Lost in Affair

[GoldenR]

We aren't friends on social media, so no need to do that. My spouse has no clue about the affair, so these other things would seem ridiculous and alarming to him.

 

No matter how many years go by, at some point, be it 1 month or 25 years, he will find out. It always happens. ALWAYS. And at that point while it may be ancient history to you, it's present day to him. And he'll call the entire marriage since then a lie. And chances are he won't stay in the marriage.

 

The odds are more in your favor if you confess. The sooner, the better the odds.

[HereNorThere]

They're all still ways he can contact you. Even if it's symbolic, you need to cut every way he could possibly get his hooks back in. You could simply say that telemarketers are constantly calling and you'd like to change your number. But hey, I'd hate for you to be inconvenienced.

 

It's obvious you like control. I get it because it takes one to know one. That's why OM is so addictive to you, you can't control him. It's a challenge and gets your blood pumping. Trust me, I'm a bit a validation hog myself. I totally get it.

 

You control your husband by withholding sex and your OM by giving it to him in hopes that one day you can take it away and gain power over him. However, he's not stupid enough to get involved in this mess. He's desperate enough to take an easy lay but smart enough to run when your life implodes. It's the world's easiest relationship for him. You stop by, have sex, go home to let your husband deal with your abusive personality and sleep farts.

 

Nothing has changed and it never goes away. It's funny that you think there's nothing to confess now. Lol, lol, lol, surely you know delusional that is. This is a part of you now, FOREVER. Every time you see a show about infidelity, you'll think about it. Every holiday, every anniversary, every time your husband does something you don't deserve, it will eat at you. It's called cognitive dissonance - Your actions do not align with your beliefs and values. You will be a prisoner to this imbalance until you correct it. Continuing to lie does not correct the imbalance.

 

Lol, you sent a long text message about how you don't want to talk anymore (again.) Does it not dawn on you that calling someone to tell them you don't want to talk is sending a conflicting message? If you don't want to talk to them, you don't talk to them about not talking to them. You just want to make sure he's there as a nice, soft landing when your life gets destroyed. He won't be but keep hedging your bets. Like I said, you're waaaaaay too far gone.

Edited February 11, 2017 by HereNorThere

[ConInLA]

Is there a chance that down deep you really do not have any respect left for you husband?

When a wife fails to respect her husband...no good can come from that...

 

I definitely respect my husband. He isn't a pushover by any means. I just don't think he would respond positively to this. He would probably choke the living s#it out of me, actually. It's actually on the contrary though, I don't have much respect for my AP because he is the same as me. There is nothing respectable about our actions. I love, respect, and admire my husband. Clearly, I didn't respect him or our marriage when I cheated but I am talking big picture here.

[Marc878]

The question is do you want to have a good full life? If you want it to be as full as you can make it you have to fix yourself. Living with demons is hard as you've found.

 

You have to make your life what you want it to be. Not let it take you wherever.

 

Easier said than done. However, if you can figure this out it becomes more simplistic and a whole lot easier.

 

It's called enjoying life. Something I doubt you've experienced much of.

[ConInLA]

The question is do you want to have a good full life? If you want it to be as full as you can make it you have to fix yourself. Living with demons is hard as you've found.

 

You have to make your life what you want it to be. Not let it take you wherever.

 

Easier said than done. However, if you can figure this out it becomes more simplistic and a whole lot easier.

 

It's called enjoying life. Something I doubt you've experienced much of.

 

Yes, you're right BryanX. I actually never really thought of it as "living with demons" but that's absolutely what it is. And I am trying to be proactive with finding out about myself,l that's why I started IC. I'm hoping to find out what makes me happy again because clearly if I thought an affair was going to help, I've lost myself.

[Marc878]

Yes, you're right BryanX. I actually never really thought of it as "living with demons" but that's absolutely what it is. And I am trying to be proactive with finding out about myself,l that's why I started IC. I'm hoping to find out what makes me happy again because clearly if I thought an affair was going to help, I've lost myself.

 

I hope you're successful.

[GoldenR]

Con -

 

Your posts.....man, Idk. They're all over the place. So you respect your husband, but just not for those 130 some odd days, right? But now you respect him again? But during that time, there was no reason for you to not respect him....I mean, he didn't drink in excess, he wasn't on drugs, he wasn't physically abusive, he didn't gamble away yall's money.....you just didn't respect him during that time, but now that he's changed nothing, now you do?

 

Nope....you still don't. Until you tell him, you're showing him the ultimate sign of disrespect. At this point, your marriage is a lie. And he deserves to make an informed decision regarding your months of many, many bad choices.

[QuietDan]

ConInLA

"He would probably choke the living s#it out of me, actually." If you told your husband about this infidelity, do you really think your husband is that type if a man?

[BluesPower]

Con listen, I know that a lot of people here have been hard and I know that you realize that they are all trying to help.

 

There are some things that you have got to understand and admit to yourself.

 

1) You have ZERO respect for your husband, and sweetheart you need to understand that. You have been having unprotected sex with a single man for how long? That is ZERO respect.

 

2) For whatever reason you lost your desire for your husband = ZERO respect. I mean is he just not good in bed? Does he not know how to please you? Is he fat and ugly now? Did you talk to him about the issues you were having in the bed room? Did you talk about things with him to spice it up?

 

I am betting that you did not. You just let the love and passion die in your marriage. Some of that is due to losing respect for your husband the father of your children. Some of it is just you. Maybe he let the passion die as well, A LOT of men refuse to BEG their wives for sex and they also get tired of initiating sex ALL THE TIME. That gets old for everyone.

 

3) You don't want to tell him because he will probably divorce you for what you have done. You are scared and understandably so. But you know what, you do not respect your husband and until you have the courage to tell him, you never ever will. In the back of you mind he will always be the stupid cuckold that cold not catch you having and affair. And in the back of our mind he was the man that was not MAN enough to keep you happy in the bedroom.

 

These harsh truths about yourself and your affair, you are going to have to come to grips with.

 

If you are to have a chance at a honest happy marriage, you have to understand the TRUTH about what you have done and that you actually have ZERO respect for your husband, even though he actually deserves your respect.

[HereNorThere]

After giving you a little tough and raw truth, I admittedly don't feel great about myself. Since you've been out the game for a while, I'll provide you with some constructive criticism that you can help you. I dunno, for some reason you've been on my mind. I can tell there's a level of naïveté in your posts but I do think reality is slowing starting to set in.

 

After re-reading posts, I saw where you're having this sort of quarter-life crisis, grass is greener syndrome questioning whether or not you want to be married. Sure, it's kinda nice being single and dating whomever you want. I live that right now and it has its benefits. Here's the thing though, I really, truly hope you like man-child, emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic men like myself and OM because anyone will tell you, a single mother of two kids at your age, we're who you'll be dating. You know who all the women who end up with me are really looking for? YOUR HUSBAND. Girl, they would snatch him up so fast, OMG. You on the hand, you'll get limitless sex if you chose, just make sure you lock the door behind you when you leave. As a gentleman, I insist on you using my Uber account for your ride home. Chivalry is not dead, m'lady. See you back on tinder later, k?

 

You have no idea how your husband will react. I'd really like to go into this but I'm not going to contribute to you justifying continuing to lie. I saw where said you think he would forgive you. - Just remember, when he Googles, this place or one of the two places I post show up. You better hope I'm busy at work or one of the other harsh truth people aren't around. And that goes for any of his other male friends or family as well. Love wasn't enough to stop you from cheating, so you should have your doubts about its power to make him stay. Add that in with you being demanding, frigid and humialting him and your chances may not be what you think they are. Your Mommy is the only one who loves you unconditionally, write that down.

 

Okay, you aren't going to confess. I get it but it's not something I understand. I wouldn't be able to look at my significant other without falling apart but that's me. I think the affair fog has you compartmentalizing or maybe this is just you. At the rate you're going now, you will get caught. How can I tell? You're too naïve. Sorry, Con, you just weren't cut out for a life of crime. So, you aren't going to confess, we're past that. Here's what I'd like to get through to you - In case you do get caught, there's things you do NOW to mitigate the damage. Changing your phone number is a huge one. Going to marriage counseling, getting your kids into counseling, considering a long term move to another neighborhood, building new bridges with your husband, planning romantic trips, seeing a sex therapist, going to strip clubs together, huff some spray paint and choke each while having sex (HereNorThere safety tip #8837 Never play the choking game alone, you need a spotter for safety reasons) jk, btw - Whatever it is you need to do. Yes, they will make your life and marriage better but what I'm saying is that these are tangible things you can point to if and when you get busted. You can say, "It was a mistake and I knew I had to make it right. Here are the things I did, on my own, to make sure it will not happen again. No one asked me to do them, I did them because it was the right thing to do to protect my family."

 

Congratulations, you went through all that trouble to figure out sex with a new person is fun for a while. You could have just asked us though. You mentioned sex with someone for years is repetitive, well DUH. Us man children having a saying "No matter how hot she is, there's someone out there tired of sleeping with her." I'm willing to bet that you're the one who is the gatekeeper to trying new things with your husband and spicing it up. After all, you're the dominate one in this relationship. I bet your husband has a thousand different ways he'd like to manhandle you into submission. You just shame him for it and then complain that's it's repetitive. All that relates back to your use of sex as a weapon of control.

 

I would like to write a post with some information about stopping the obsessive, intrusive, manic thoughts related to your OM. I've been in therapy nearly 5 years now and have a wealth of information and resources for you. I'll try to get to it tomorrow. For now, remember, fantasizing, googling, thinking about him is just as much a breach of NC as contact. It's not over until you let it die in your mind. This will be the hardest part because it means you are truly accepting the end.

Edited February 12, 2017 by HereNorThere

[QuietDan]

With out knowing the real facts, I don't see how your husband will be able to respond in appropriate way as it relates to the real problems that are going on in this relationship.

 

It is difficult at best to get through this type of stuff with knowing the actual fact needed to make correct decisions that are appropriate to the problem.

 

I only see the disconnect in this relationship continue to grow and act as a separating force between you and your husband.

 

With all of this stress coming into the relationship, with all of this loss of honesty, transparency, intimacy, truth, and respect, it seem like your husband has a lot of unmet needs.

 

Usually people always start to search out ways to fill those needs one way or the other.

 

In a healthy relationship, your spouse is there to fill those needs.

However, if your spouse is getting there needs taken care of elsewhere...

 

Hopefully he doesn't find himself tempted to get those needs met outside of your relationship and seek comfort, validation, and intimacy elsewhere as well....

 

Another problem that many way wards suffer from after a while is a bit of a degree of insecurity and fear that the loyal spouse will start to eventually cheat as well. Have you started to check up on your husband to see if he might be starting to drift into an affair yet?

Maybe he has already had one and you don't know about it.

[QuietDan]

Time is not your friend with this secret. A secrete of this magnitude, creates separation and lack of intellectual and emotional intimacy in relationships.

As you have already seen in so many ways already. Your ability to relate to the people around you starts to drift away. They do not have the same knowledge and perspective on a lot of issues. With this secrete, you are not able to share lessons learned or your unique perspective on the topics. After all... to share what you know, good or bad, you risk discovery. So... you keep on drifting apart....

Conversations don't happen or quickly get steered to safe meaningless conversations... your world views start to drift apart. Keep this secret, and 10, 15, 20 years from now, there is a good chance you two will almost be complete strangers to each other. Most of your conversations that have any meaning or depth will be loaded with minefields related to the fear of discovery. You will find yourself never really being able to share what you really believe and think. It will spread to a lot of different topics. So, most of your conversations will be lacking excitement, energy, transparency, sharing.

You will find yourself in safe, vanilla, sanitized conversations that do not have much personal value for either one of you. The greatest challenge with this secrete is what doesn't get said, what isn't shared, what is avoided... it very slowly continues to destroy the relationship by rotting it from the inside out.

You will find yourself married to a person that you have very little in common with other than history. Sitting around watching TV in silence. Or, you have your friends he has his and you end up being two complete strangers sharing the same house.

You will have empathy or tolerance for things that he doesn't, he will have empathy and tolerance for things that you do not, and you will never be able to really discuss so very many issues due to this secrete. Or the secretes that that sprout and grow from this main vine of deception.

This secrete is like gangrene to your relationship.

It's like having an arm infected with gangrene in the jungle.

Cut it off, hopefully it isn't to late and you might be able to save the life.

Or, leave it, try to make the person as comfortable as possible, if you are lucky you might have some pain killers to give them to reduce the suffering a little, and watch the person die a slow horrible painful death.

[ConInLA]

Con listen, I know that a lot of people here have been hard and I know that you realize that they are all trying to help.

 

There are some things that you have got to understand and admit to yourself.

 

1) You have ZERO respect for your husband, and sweetheart you need to understand that. You have been having unprotected sex with a single man for how long? That is ZERO respect.

 

2) For whatever reason you lost your desire for your husband = ZERO respect. I mean is he just not good in bed? Does he not know how to please you? Is he fat and ugly now? Did you talk to him about the issues you were having in the bed room? Did you talk about things with him to spice it up?

 

I am betting that you did not. You just let the love and passion die in your marriage. Some of that is due to losing respect for your husband the father of your children. Some of it is just you. Maybe he let the passion die as well, A LOT of men refuse to BEG their wives for sex and they also get tired of initiating sex ALL THE TIME. That gets old for everyone.

 

3) You don't want to tell him because he will probably divorce you for what you have done. You are scared and understandably so. But you know what, you do not respect your husband and until you have the courage to tell him, you never ever will. In the back of you mind he will always be the stupid cuckold that cold not catch you having and affair. And in the back of our mind he was the man that was not MAN enough to keep you happy in the bedroom.

 

These harsh truths about yourself and your affair, you are going to have to come to grips with.

 

If you are to have a chance at a honest happy marriage, you have to understand the TRUTH about what you have done and that you actually have ZERO respect for your husband, even though he actually deserves your respect.

 

1. You're right bluespower. I realized this yesterday when I was struggling with thinking about and contacting my AP. I realized that I am still disrespecting my husband. I claim to not to want to do it anymore but yet there I was yesterday thinking about this man. I am slowly starting to hate him. Only because, as a man who has been in this situation before, I realize he had nothing but negative intentions. None of them were good. He doesn't deserve my energy or my thoughts anymore. I was saddened yesterday when it hit me that I have been disrespecting the one man who has ever loved me. My own father didn't care to know me but this man has gone above and beyond to SHOW ME that he loves me. He doesn't use his words, he just shows me. No our marriage hasn't been easy but the fact that I thought CHEATING on him was the best option, shows me that I am currently undeserving of his love. I'm not sure why I turned to sex with someone else as an outlet. It was easy and available. I'm just doing the best I can to come to terms with all of this. I don't want to wreck my family because I believed in some jerk for a few months. I started counseling so that I can become a better version of myself for them. I want to be better.

[ConInLA]

Time is not your friend with this secret. A secrete of this magnitude, creates separation and lack of intellectual and emotional intimacy in relationships.

As you have already seen in so many ways already. Your ability to relate to the people around you starts to drift away. They do not have the same knowledge and perspective on a lot of issues. With this secrete, you are not able to share lessons learned or your unique perspective on the topics. After all... to share what you know, good or bad, you risk discovery. So... you keep on drifting apart....

Conversations don't happen or quickly get steered to safe meaningless conversations... your world views start to drift apart. Keep this secret, and 10, 15, 20 years from now, there is a good chance you two will almost be complete strangers to each other. Most of your conversations that have any meaning or depth will be loaded with minefields related to the fear of discovery. You will find yourself never really being able to share what you really believe and think. It will spread to a lot of different topics. So, most of your conversations will be lacking excitement, energy, transparency, sharing.

You will find yourself in safe, vanilla, sanitized conversations that do not have much personal value for either one of you. The greatest challenge with this secrete is what doesn't get said, what isn't shared, what is avoided... it very slowly continues to destroy the relationship by rotting it from the inside out.

You will find yourself married to a person that you have very little in common with other than history. Sitting around watching TV in silence. Or, you have your friends he has his and you end up being two complete strangers sharing the same house.

You will have empathy or tolerance for things that he doesn't, he will have empathy and tolerance for things that you do not, and you will never be able to really discuss so very many issues due to this secrete. Or the secretes that that sprout and grow from this main vine of deception.

This secrete is like gangrene to your relationship.

It's like having an arm infected with gangrene in the jungle.

Cut it off, hopefully it isn't to late and you might be able to save the life.

Or, leave it, try to make the person as comfortable as possible, if you are lucky you might have some pain killers to give them to reduce the suffering a little, and watch the person die a slow horrible painful death.

 

I'm not sure about all of this. We all have secret and/or problems. I choose to think positively about my withholding of this. I hope it helps to teach me something, so I can grow from it. We never 100 percent know anyone. No one talks about affairs, so I am sure that that won't be a conversation topic anyway in my personal life.

[ConInLA]

After giving you a little tough and raw truth, I admittedly don't feel great about myself. Since you've been out the game for a while, I'll provide you with some constructive criticism that you can help you. I dunno, for some reason you've been on my mind. I can tell there's a level of naïveté in your posts but I do think reality is slowing starting to set in.

 

HereNorThere, I have no problem with blunt honesty. I am usually the person giving blunt honesty to the people around me, so who am I to take offense when it is given to me. Now as far as your dating advice, I am not even a TINDr type of girl. And contrary to what I may type on this board, I never was one to just sleep around with a bunch of different guys. Also, I don't want to be single. I want to be with my family. My AP SEEMED fun but in all honesty, he was just a jerk and a distraction. Each day that passes, I see him for what he is. He pretended to "care" and still pretends to "care about what happens to me." But, really he doesn't. It was only sex, he gave me nothing more but safe conversation. He just would hate to see another family wrecked like he wrecked his. Well, I guess. I don't really know him when it all boils down. Even talking or thinking about him lately makes me sick because I see I was basically manipulated (willingly) by someone I wouldn't even date (divorced, father of 3) in real life. You're absolutely right this is the only type of man that would be available to me, which actually makes me snap out of my affair fog even quicker. It's crazy how us women just love the assh#les and treat the good guys like crap. Some of us! As far as confessing goes, I am not sure why you feel the need to push it so much. Isn't the fact that I stopped sleeping with the guy partly enough? Hell, I didn't have to. Isn't the fact that I voluntarily started attended counseling showing that I am aware of the fact, that yes I DO have a personality defect. I'm trying!!

[GoldenR]

I'm not sure about all of this. We all have secret and/or problems. I choose to think positively about my withholding of this. I hope it helps to teach me something, so I can grow from it. We never 100 percent know anyone. No one talks about affairs, so I am sure that that won't be a conversation topic anyway in my personal life.

 

I get it....you want the safety a security of your H who in reality is nothing more than your plan B. YOU want to stay with HIM. Of course you do. But how do you feel about taking away your husband's ability to make an informed decision regarding if HE wants to stay with YOU after your A?

 

I've never cheated, but I know I couldn't live with that on my mind.

[Cephalopod]

I'm not sure about all of this. We all have secret and/or problems. I choose to think positively about my withholding of this. I hope it helps to teach me something, so I can grow from it. We never 100 percent know anyone. No one talks about affairs, so I am sure that that won't be a conversation topic anyway in my personal life.

 

You are deluding yourself. With every day that you withhold the truth and withhold intimacy from your husband, you are adding more and more stones to the wall between you.

 

How stupid do you think your husband is? Do you honestly believe he is not, right now, feeling the enmity and coldness from you. Do you believe he is so daft, as to not reach conclusions and begins to suspect what you are doing?

 

You are headed for a tremendous trainwreck, and it is going to be horrifying and earthshaking. Your only chance is to sit down with him and tell him the truth, before he finds out himself and exposes you on his own. At least you have some ability to control how the exposure to your kids, family and friends will occur. You cannot be certain how he will go about it.

[ConInLA]

I get it....you want the safety a security of your H who in reality is nothing more than your plan B. YOU want to stay with HIM. Of course you do. But how do you feel about taking away your husband's ability to make an informed decision regarding if HE wants to stay with YOU after your A?

 

I've never cheated, but I know I couldn't live with that on my mind.

 

So you think my plan A is what exactly?? An emotionally disconnected, corrupt, divorced, father of 3. I don't think so, sweetie. My AP was never an option for me, which is why I chose him anyway. I'm not sure what I wanted from this but I don't think my intention was ever to leave my marriage. I just wanted "SOMETHING" that made me feel connected again.

[ConInLA]

You are deluding yourself. With every day that you withhold the truth and withhold intimacy from your husband, you are adding more and more stones to the wall between you.

 

How stupid do you think your husband is? Do you honestly believe he is not, right now, feeling the enmity and coldness from you. Do you believe he is so daft, as to not reach conclusions and begins to suspect what you are doing?

 

You are headed for a tremendous trainwreck, and it is going to be horrifying and earthshaking. Your only chance is to sit down with him and tell him the truth, before he finds out himself and exposes you on his own. At least you have some ability to control how the exposure to your kids, family and friends will occur. You cannot be certain how he will go about it.

 

Ok, I really think y'all are confusing what I am saying. I have sex with my husband. He has been saying I have "pity sex" with him for YEARS!! Well,before an affair. It's a joke that we have. And it's quite the contrary, I am not cold to him at all. We have our moments like every other married couple.

[BuddyX]

So you think my plan A is what exactly?? An emotionally disconnected, corrupt, divorced, father of 3. I don't think so, sweetie. My AP was never an option for me, which is why I chose him anyway. I'm not sure what I wanted from this but I don't think my intention was ever to leave my marriage. I just wanted "SOMETHING" that made me feel connected again.

 

Plan A is always happiness. Are you happy with your Husband?

Edited February 13, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[GoldenR]

So you think my plan A is what exactly?? An emotionally disconnected, corrupt, divorced, father of 3. I don't think so, sweetie. My AP was never an option for me, which is why I chose him anyway. I'm not sure what I wanted from this but I don't think my intention was ever to leave my marriage. I just wanted "SOMETHING" that made me feel connected again.

 

 

You yourself have said that you're only just now realizing what kind of man OM really is. So yes, while you were knee deep in your A, he was your first choice. Only after "waking up" have you decided that your husband is again who you want.

[Cephalopod]

So you think my plan A is what exactly?? An emotionally disconnected, corrupt, divorced, father of 3. I don't think so, sweetie. My AP was never an option for me, which is why I chose him anyway. I'm not sure what I wanted from this but I don't think my intention was ever to leave my marriage. I just wanted "SOMETHING" that made me feel connected again.

 

I don't know what your plan A is. Your head is so full of delusions right now, I don't think you know left from right.

 

Maybe plan A is "yourself"? Maybe you need to set your husband free and become your own self-sustaining, self actualized person, instead of putting the burden and responsibility for your happiness on others: specifically your husband or affair partner.

 

You are responsible for your own happiness and self esteem. Not your husband, not your dad, not your family or friends....YOU. And until you accept this you will be doomed to make the same bad decisions over and over.

 

But I'm not telling you anything you haven't already heard.

 

But it has to start with the truth.

[GoldenR]

And I have yet to see you address this question, although many here have asked....from my post above:

 

But how do you feel about taking away your husband's ability to make an informed decision regarding if HE wants to stay with YOU after your A?

[ConInLA]

Plan A is always happiness. Are you happy with your Husband?

 

For the most part. I think that I was going through a difficult and stressful time and instead of turning to my husband, I turned to my AP. I thought the issue was him, but really it was me. I knew I needed therapy but I just didn't want to do the work.

[Cephalopod]

To be more specific, it is your husband's responsibility to create a safe and loving environment that will "facilitate" your being able to make yourself happy. And vice versa. But that is the extent of your mutual responsibilities.

 

But happiness, contentment and fun are not what create a strong and loving marriage. Those are only the by-products. Marriage has always been hard, but now it is almost impossible in this day and age where so many societal and economic factors pit husbands and wives against each other.