I confessed

[deadsoul]

I've been reading here for months.

 

I'm a WW. I was in a FWB with a single friend of ours for a year. It ended. He dumped/ghosted me (I deserved that, right?)

 

I confessed. I'm posting now because I wish I could convince you that when you tell your spouse, the father of your children, what you've done, you will never forget the look on his face. Ever.

 

And unfortunately, until you go through it, you won't listen.

 

I don't know what's going to happen to me. I do know I wish I could turn back time to that moment where I was at the cross roads and had chosen a different direction. I wish I had dealt with the problems in my marriage rather than "fill my missing piece" with someone else. Because you know what? You can't. Another person can't fill that piece.

 

take care

[aileD]

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you the best. Is your husband willing to reconcile? We'll be here for support

 

Just curious ...do you think you if you weren't dumped/ghosted then you would have ended it and come clean on your own?

[BenchCoach]

This is a good first step. Not very many are willing to do it.

[Marc878]

With a confession you have a chance. The truth is best. An affair can destroy a marriage but the lies WILL destroy it.

[ConInLA]

I am in a similar situation. I really can relate to trying to fill that void with another human being. It doesn't work and it just makes things much worse for everyone involved. I hope everything works out for you and that you and your husband get through this difficult time! If you don't mind me asking, why did you confess to your husband??

[Vinny1951]

Worse thing you can do it confess. All that does it get rid of your guilt but it dumps it on your mate and rocks his or her world. What does confessing accomplish? You get rid of your guilt and you think that by being honest your mate will be all happy about your honesty? Nope, you have just told your mate that you broke his trust and his heart. He will forever feel like he can not trust you completely again and will be suspicious of anything you do out of the ordinary. Besides telling him that you are untrustworthy, you are telling him that you can deceive and lie to him easily.

 

If you are truly sorry, you eat your guilt and resolve to never do it again. You should not destroy your husband's life so you can feel better. I do not know why people think that confessing is a show of being honest and that they can be trusted again. Isn't keeping it to yourself and never doing it again a better choice than telling him that his trust in you was misplaced and you are an admitted liar and deceiver?

 

Damage is done so nothing you can do about that. Just know that while it may be possible to make it work going forward, regaining trust take a very long time and even then it will never be the same again. Also note that part of the process will be for him to bring it up over and over again and you will have to put up with that without it affecting your behavior towards him. He will be suspicious of you and question you a lot. You have to learn to do things in a way that does not make him suspicious. In other words you have to live your life like an open book and live it so that he is reassured that you have no opportunity to cheat again. Also be prepared for him to throw your cheating in your face during future major arguments. If you did not confess, your life would not have changed as it is going to and not in a good way either.

 

Good luck but you will have a long road ahead of you. This will gnaw at your husband for many years. He may forgive but he will never forget. There is one thing that is almost a constant in life, past behavior is a pretty good indicator of future behavior. That is why I dumped my first fiancee. Good thing that I did because she went on to cheat on the guy she married and he divorced her.

[deadsoul]

He ghosted me 3 months ago. I came clean today. There was no threat of Dday.

 

Why did I tell? Because I owed it to my BH to tell him the truth if we were to stand a chance. Do I think we will reconcile? Not sure, but most likely no. And I don't blame him one bit. But I am ready to take the consequences of my actions. The even worse part will be when my kids find out what I've done.

 

I've probably been lurking for two years... and I've read both sides on to tell or not to tell. Ultimately, I think it's a personal decision. And for anyone reading and thinking that keeping it a secret and carrying on is easy, it wasn't. At all.

 

I think karma has kicked my a$$ every which way and I deserve every bit of it.

 

Again, if you are at that crossroads and you know that line... and it just feels so good to cross it... I'm here to tell you, it is not worth it. Have the courage to tell your significant other that you're having these feelings and work them out together.

 

I will say that my feelings for OM were obsessive and addictive. They weren't real. And I truly believe I'm only upset that it's over because of the rejection. I was on the worst roller coaster of my life and I said and did things I wouldn't normally do. And I'm going to be honest and say I still feel the withdrawals. But that's all it is.. it wasn't real. I was addicted to the excitement and the feelings. Stupid me got attached. I still fight those feelings for him. And none of that is fair to my BH. He deserves so much better. He's a good man and he deserves way better.

 

I'm ready to be beaten up here. I deserve every bit of it. And this isn't a woe is me pity party. I'm taking responsibility for my actions and owning them, as ugly as they are. While I don't deserve to be forgiven by BH, I am in IC working on forgiving myself and looking hard at myself on why I made these choices and how to not make them in the future.

[BenchCoach]

Why did I tell? Because I owed it to my BH to tell him the truth if we were to stand a chance.

 

Bingo!!!

 

 

I've might've missed it somewhere, but how long were you in this affair?

Edited February 4, 2017 by BenchCoach

[deadsoul]

Off and on for over a year

[deadsoul]

Worse thing you can do it confess. All that does it get rid of your guilt but it dumps it on your mate and rocks his or her world. What does confessing accomplish? You get rid of your guilt and you think that by being honest your mate will be all happy about your honesty? Nope, you have just told your mate that you broke his trust and his heart. He will forever feel like he can not trust you completely again and will be suspicious of anything you do out of the ordinary. Besides telling him that you are untrustworthy, you are telling him that you can deceive and lie to him easily.

 

If you are truly sorry, you eat your guilt and resolve to never do it again. You should not destroy your husband's life so you can feel better. I do not know why people think that confessing is a show of being honest and that they can be trusted again. Isn't keeping it to yourself and never doing it again a better choice than telling him that his trust in you was misplaced and you are an admitted liar and deceiver?

 

Damage is done so nothing you can do about that. Just know that while it may be possible to make it work going forward, regaining trust take a very long time and even then it will never be the same again. Also note that part of the process will be for him to bring it up over and over again and you will have to put up with that without it affecting your behavior towards him. He will be suspicious of you and question you a lot. You have to learn to do things in a way that does not make him suspicious. In other words you have to live your life like an open book and live it so that he is reassured that you have no opportunity to cheat again. Also be prepared for him to throw your cheating in your face during future major arguments. If you did not confess, your life would not have changed as it is going to and not in a good way either.

 

Good luck but you will have a long road ahead of you. This will gnaw at your husband for many years. He may forgive but he will never forget. There is one thing that is almost a constant in life, past behavior is a pretty good indicator of future behavior. That is why I dumped my first fiancee. Good thing that I did because she went on to cheat on the guy she married and he divorced her.

 

You know, you're exactly right and I tried to live that way for awhile. I will never ever forget the look on his face. Ever. So if you think it made me feel better to confess? it didn't. Not at all. But this is me, mistakes and all. No judgment from me on anyone who chooses not to tell. Believe me, I tried that route, but it felt more dishonest and dirty than the A did. But that's just me.

 

Nope. He's not going to trust me. And I've destroyed something that was precious. And he may choose to D and I will respect that and do it amicably. I owe him that. If he chooses to R, I have a very long road in front of me and I know that too. But at least it will be real and honest.

[Dub]

do you love your husband?

[deadsoul]

do you love your husband?

 

very much so. I think there were issues that we didn't deal with and I needed to deal with them rather than doing what I did. I am not putting the blame on him at all. I had a choice and I made the wrong one.

[Dub]

very much so. I think there were issues that we didn't deal with and I needed to deal with them rather than doing what I did. I am not putting the blame on him at all. I had a choice and I made the wrong one.

 

would is still be going on if the other guy didn't ghost you?

[Lady2163]

I'm also in the camp of "don't tell if you don't have to". I've been married, I've been an OW and I've been cheated on by boyfriends. I never cheated in my marriage and since we've been divorced for so long, I don't want to know if he did.

 

There are things you say in a marriage that are lies. Some of them are sort of humorous. Any man on the planet knows the answer to the question, "do I look fat in this"? Is a definitive, fast, resounding NO. Just as women have to suck it up when aging starts, penis wilts and hair falls out.

 

You never tell a man you faked an orgasm and they never tell you they don't like how you taste. Neither can be taken back or corrected.

 

Your life is going to change. Make sure you keep going to counseling and make sure you know your limits. I realize you have to be totally transparent and will face wrath, just don't let the wrath cross over into abuse.

[deadsoul]

would is still be going on if the other guy didn't ghost you?

 

Great question. I was trying to end it. Honestly? After all I've read here, probably.

[deadsoul]

I'm also in the camp of "don't tell if you don't have to". I've been married, I've been an OW and I've been cheated on by boyfriends. I never cheated in my marriage and since we've been divorced for so long, I don't want to know if he did.

 

There are things you say in a marriage that are lies. Some of them are sort of humorous. Any man on the planet knows the answer to the question, "do I look fat in this"? Is a definitive, fast, resounding NO. Just as women have to suck it up when aging starts, penis wilts and hair falls out.

 

You never tell a man you faked an orgasm and they never tell you they don't like how you taste. Neither can be taken back or corrected.

 

Your life is going to change. Make sure you keep going to counseling and make sure you know your limits. I realize you have to be totally transparent and will face wrath, just don't let the wrath cross over into abuse.

 

 

I know. And I very well may regret telling. I actually kind of do already. But this was a big lie. Much bigger than wilting penises and hair falling out. There is still a part of me that feels I did the right thing. But it doesn't matter. The toothpaste is out of the tube. I can't put it back in.

[BuddyX]

Can you do me a favor? Can you stick around LS for a little bit and repeat your story to anyone in an A or contemplating one.

[Dub]

Great question. I was trying to end it. Honestly? After all I've read here, probably.

 

how long were you and your husband married?

[Jersey born raised]

Have you read HeCantBreakMe thread. Some of her story echoes yours, when you get PM or buy a membership you might try PMing her. She shows a lot of discretion when discussing some the Dynamics in her reconciliation out of respect for her husbands sense of privacy. She might be willing to share advise or info though a PM.

 

What threads have you read that hit home for you?

 

Are you really all in? Did you miss the question about would this still be going on if he hadn't dumped you? Are your sure you did not confuse hoping your husband would file?

[deadsoul]

how long were you and your husband married?

 

Almost 19 years

[deadsoul]

Have you read HeCantBreakMe thread. Some of her story echoes yours, when you get PM or buy a membership you might try PMing her. She shows a lot of discretion when discussing some the Dynamics in her reconciliation out of respect for her husbands sense of privacy. She might be willing to share advise or info though a PM.

 

What threads have you read that hit home for you?

 

Are you really all in? Did you miss the question about would this still be going on if he hadn't dumped you? Are your sure you did not confuse hoping your husband would file?

 

Yes. I've read all her threads. Anything by Midnightblue really hit home for me. I wish she was still posting.

 

I did answer that question and said it would probably be going on still, if I'm going to be honest. I would hope it wouldn't.

 

No. I don't hope my husband will file. I'm hoping to get back to the place where we were before I made these bad choices, if that is meant to be. If I'm meant to be alone at the end of this, that may be what I need to finally grow up and make better choices. I have no expectations of things working out with the AP, nor do I want them to. I did not like the obsessive/addicted things I did while in it. I never felt secure. It was not love.

[lolablue17]

because you confessed voluntarily out of your own initiation, it gives a better chance for reconciliation.

[deadsoul]

Can you do me a favor? Can you stick around LS for a little bit and repeat your story to anyone in an A or contemplating one.

 

To be honest, unfortunately, as much as I'd give anything to steer someone away from making these choices, I think about where I was and if I honestly ask myself if I would've listened, I probably wouldn't have. But if I could go back in time, I know the exact day I would go back to and I would make a different choice.

 

What I would hope is that if someone is at the crossroads, that they please, please, please talk to their significant other or a close friend who will help set him/her straight. But chances are, once you are on a destructive path, you continue until you hit bottom.

[deadsoul]

because you confessed voluntarily out of your own initiation, it gives a better chance for reconciliation.

 

I hope so. But I don't know. That was another reason i confessed though. Even though i felt I could've "gotten away with it," I lived with the guilt of that chance of getting caught. And it would've been so much worse if he had found out another way.

[Dub]

Yes. I've read all her threads. Anything by Midnightblue really hit home for me. I wish she was still posting.

 

I did answer that question and said it would probably be going on still, if I'm going to be honest. I would hope it wouldn't.

 

No. I don't hope my husband will file. I'm hoping to get back to the place where we were before I made these bad choices, if that is meant to be. If I'm meant to be alone at the end of this, that may be what I need to finally grow up and make better choices. I have no expectations of things working out with the AP, nor do I want them to. I did not like the obsessive/addicted things I did while in it. I never felt secure. It was not love.

 

so if your husband left you would go to the AP?