I confessed

[Marc878]

Are you prepared for a divorce?

Have you consulted a lawyer and know your rights?

Do you have your ducks in a row?

Are you protecting your assets?

Your life may take on a different shade if he clears out all your joint accounts and stops the credit cards and refuses to pay the mortgage, for instance.

Can you afford to be single parent? Do you work? Do you have any money of your own?

Are you prepared for huge legal bills, long custody battles over your children, the sale of your house and all the other things that divorced couples can fight about?

You may say now you want to roll over and give him what he wants, but you won't be saying that once all this emotional fog clears and you realise you have signed away your kids, your assets, and your future...

Men with cheating wives can get very vindictive, he may show a completely different side to the man you think you know.

It is all very well wallowing in a pool of guilt and saying over and over you deserve it and woe is me, but you need to think clever here..

 

I am not saying you will divorce but you need to be prepared.

You have to get practical, your kids will depend on you and "guilt" does not pay any bills, nor does it make for happy, well adjusted children.

 

If you want to go straight to divorce and skip any chance at R this would probably do it.

 

Thinking clever is what put you where you're at.

 

IMO if you want to try and save your marriage keep a low profile at this time. Your H can't just take everything without your signature on the bottom line.

[Lady2163]

Sorry, but this is absolutely terrible advice. You have no idea what it's like to be a bs, and one thing they almost universally want is the truth.

 

I find it odd that people compare hiding an A from your spouse to other white lies" like saying no to your wife if she asks if a dress makes her rear end look huge.

 

Also, one of the almost universal reason given for cheating by ws is they are not happy in the M. How on earth is continuing to lie and be deceptive going to change that?

 

Well, I was avoiding some of the other lies we people tell. The OP feels lousy both for the affair and for coming clean.

 

I've had several bait and switch relationships. Bait and switch is a premediatated seduction and betrayal. My marriage was a bait and switch. Before we were married he cooked and did his own laundry (and sometimes mine) and seemed to be a hard worker and have his act together. After marriage he seemed to think he didn't have to shower every day and somehow he forgot how to do laundry. Before marriage he would cheerfully eat me for hours. On our wedding night he popped off with the "I don't really like how you taste."

 

No, I've never been a betrayed SPOUSE, but I've been a betrayed live-in fiancée with 20 some days to go before the wedding. I wasn't supportive of his "dream" that would put us $100,000 in debt and no guarantee the business would take off. Oddly, his ex-wife was supportive and was willing to work two jobs to support them while he got his business off the ground. So, he was supposed to go talk to her about some details of moving her stuff out of the storage area of the house....and never came home that night.

 

To move forward with the marriage, OP felt she had to be honest. Honesty? Honestly? I think she should evaluate switching counselors IF she told her counselor she wanted to do this OR if the counselor nudged her in that direction. AND she didn't prepare her for every reaction and every consequence, that's a bad counselor. If OP hid this desire from counselor or did it spur of the moment that is also a different set of circumstances.

[Mr. Lucky]

My hope is we can get some MC to help us cope with the aftermath of this and also what led me down that path. Again, not saying any of this is his fault, but I think there were/are issues we both avoided and shouldn't have. I'm feeling like the ball is in his court right now and I'm waiting to see what his next move is. I owe him that and more.

 

To be honest, I feel like I'm in shock and in autopilot right now. So I can only imagine what he is going through. It has to be 100 times worse. And i caused it.

 

How long ago was your confession?

 

And given that R is just one of the possible outcomes of MC, is your H willing to go?

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Your H can't just take everything without your signature on the bottom line.

 

You don't need a signature to clear out the joint accounts.

[Marc878]

You don't need a signature to clear out the joint accounts.

 

no matter what assets are a 50/50 split. The records are there she'll get her cut.

 

However, if she's more concerned about financial matters she could go straight to an attorney and file for D on Monday. Split everything immediately.

 

If her H at this time sees the kind of activity you're advising what do you think his actions will be?

[Bryanp]

I admire your honesty.

Hopefully you have been tested for STD's as well.

 

Here are some thoughts that your husband will be thinking and you will probably need to address them.

1. Your husband will believe that for the last year his marriage was a fake and was unreal.

2. Your husband will be thinking that you and the OM were laughing about him for playing him for such a fool.

2. Your husband will have a difficult time attempting to ever trust you again since you lied and betrayed him so easily for a year.

3. Your husband will think you never loved him since you had no problem cheating on him for a year and putting his health at risk for STD's.

4. Your husband will want to know if you ever brought him to your home?

5. Finally this the big one....Were you ever intimate with your husband after you had been intimate with the OM on the same day?

 

 

I am just telling you that this is probably what he is thinking and you better have some explanations for them. Your husband right now feels totally emasculated and rejected by the one person he put his faith in. More than likely he feels like a total failure as a spouse and especially as a man who was not good enough to keep his wife from searching out and finding a lover.

 

Good luck to you.

[Owl6118]

It will be hard for some time to come not to dwell on what you have lost. And there is some value to that, in that processing what motivated your decisions that got you here is part of remaking yourself into a person who is safe to herself and others.

 

But do not forget to count your gains. Today, for the first time i a long time, you have reclaimed yourself as a person of integrity. Today you do not have to live behind a mask, present but not really present in the lives of your loved ones.

 

That is not a small thing at all. From this little seed of integrity can flower a life of integrity and purpose.

[deadsoul]

It will be hard for some time to come not to dwell on what you have lost. And there is some value to that, in that processing what motivated your decisions that got you here is part of remaking yourself into a person who is safe to herself and others.

 

But do not forget to count your gains. Today, for the first time i a long time, you have reclaimed yourself as a person of integrity. Today you do not have to live behind a mask, present but not really present in the lives of your loved ones.

 

That is not a small thing at all. From this little seed of integrity can flower a life of integrity and purpose.

 

Thank you for this. It does appear I need to lawyer up. No STDs. He's already told me he doesn't want to go to counseling and there's no saving this. This is a case where confessing is leading to divorce. This is what I deserve. My next steps are protecting my children and my assets. I can support myself. He's told his family and I imagine our friends are next so I'm about to find out who my real friends are and I have a pretty strong feeling there aren't going to be many. But I will hold my head up high as I can and do the best I can with what I have. My priority is my children and then working on being a better me.

 

This is the worst thing I've ever done in my life. My IC did tell me to confess. And no, didn't prepare me for this aftermath, but what's done is done.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you for this. It does appear I need to lawyer up. No STDs. He's already told me he doesn't want to go to counseling and there's no saving this. This is a case where confessing is leading to divorce. This is what I deserve. My next steps are protecting my children and my assets. I can support myself. He's told his family and I imagine our friends are next so I'm about to find out who my real friends are and I have a pretty strong feeling there aren't going to be many. But I will hold my head up high as I can and do the best I can with what I have. My priority is my children and then working on being a better me.

 

This is the worst thing I've ever done in my life. My IC did tell me to confess. And no, didn't prepare me for this aftermath, but what's done is done.

 

My H told everyone too. You would be surprised how most people don't really want to get involved and actually don't judge you as much as you would think. Everyone has their secrets and skeletons.

 

I'm sorry your husband has decided to end your marriage. What do you want? I know you said what you deserve and so on, but what do you want? If he asked you, do you want to save it or is there a part of you that is relieved?

[Marc878]

Thank you for this. It does appear I need to lawyer up. No STDs. He's already told me he doesn't want to go to counseling and there's no saving this. This is a case where confessing is leading to divorce. This is what I deserve. My next steps are protecting my children and my assets. I can support myself. He's told his family and I imagine our friends are next so I'm about to find out who my real friends are and I have a pretty strong feeling there aren't going to be many. But I will hold my head up high as I can and do the best I can with what I have. My priority is my children and then working on being a better me.

 

This is the worst thing I've ever done in my life. My IC did tell me to confess. And no, didn't prepare me for this aftermath, but what's done is done.

 

This is a typical reaction up front. However, this may not be over yet. Yes, prepare for the worst and protect yourself but don't burn any unnecessary bridges yet. These things have many ups and downs.

 

Was your other man a known or friend to your H?

[Dub]

if you show your husband you are actually remorseful than he may give you a second chance down the line

[Just a Guy]

Hi deadsoul, as OWL said you have established yourself as a person of integrity. It does not matter if your husband has reacted negatively. You would not have been able to face him day in and day out if you had kept your secret festering within you. It would have been like a poison which would have eaten your soul. I guess when you entered the affair with this friend at a subconscious level you knew that things could go south and that you would have to face consequences. In spite of that you let yourself have the affair. I guess as adults we have to face up to the consequences of our choices good or bad especially the bad. Some people react in a positive way to the truth being told some react negatively. I guess you probably assessed your husband's reaction even before you told him. That indicates a strength of character very few people in your situation would display.

 

Overall I think that whatever has happened will make you a better and stronger person. I endorse your decision to hold your head high and weather the storm ahead. What people think is firstly, irrelevant to you personally as it does not affect you in any physical manner. Yes, emotionally you may be affected but that is if you let it. Secondly, people have short memories and if someone avoids you because of what has happened then take it as good riddance. What happened to you is something that human beings are subject to due to the weakness that all of us have. What is more important is that you have taken responsibility for your actions and deeds. How many do that? It takes courage, great courage to do what you have done and you have something to be proud about even though what happened before was something that you felt ashamed about. As they say time heals all and so with the passage of time you will recover and feel better. More importantly, this experience has taught that you have a weakness such as this and you now have the opportunity to work on it and thereby emerge a better and more healthy person at the end of it. Wish you all the very best as you move forward. Keep posting here to get support whenever you think you need it. Cheers.

[deadsoul]

Hi deadsoul, as OWL said you have established yourself as a person of integrity. It does not matter if your husband has reacted negatively. You would not have been able to face him day in and day out if you had kept your secret festering within you. It would have been like a poison which would have eaten your soul. I guess when you entered the affair with this friend at a subconscious level you knew that things could go south and that you would have to face consequences. In spite of that you let yourself have the affair. I guess as adults we have to face up to the consequences of our choices good or bad especially the bad. Some people react in a positive way to the truth being told some react negatively. I guess you probably assessed your husband's reaction even before you told him. That indicates a strength of character very few people in your situation would display.

 

Overall I think that whatever has happened will make you a better and stronger person. I endorse your decision to hold your head high and weather the storm ahead. What people think is firstly, irrelevant to you personally as it does not affect you in any physical manner. Yes, emotionally you may be affected but that is if you let it. Secondly, people have short memories and if someone avoids you because of what has happened then take it as good riddance. What happened to you is something that human beings are subject to due to the weakness that all of us have. What is more important is that you have taken responsibility for your actions and deeds. How many do that? It takes courage, great courage to do what you have done and you have something to be proud about even though what happened before was something that you felt ashamed about. As they say time heals all and so with the passage of time you will recover and feel better. More importantly, this experience has taught that you have a weakness such as this and you now have the opportunity to work on it and thereby emerge a better and more healthy person at the end of it. Wish you all the very best as you move forward. Keep posting here to get support whenever you think you need it. Cheers.

 

thank you very much for this. I needed it. I'm sobbing right now. I don't feel very courageous. And yes, I knew this is how he would react when I told him. But I knew I couldn't live with the secret anymore either. I knew I was living a lie and even though only I knew it, it was not fair to the rest of them. There were so many days he looked at me with love and I thought, "if you knew what I did, you wouldn't look at me like this." And it kills me that I've hurt my family the way I did and have destroyed them. And it kills me to see how they look at me now. The jury is still out on whether it was worth confessing. But I feel like at least now I can take proper responsibility for what I've done and face the consequences of my actions and learn from them.

 

I know after experiencing this, that I will never judge people the way I used to. I feel like this is karma getting me. I will accept people warts and all and align myself with the ones who are like me, broken, but actively trying to be better, rather than repeat the same mistakes over and over.

 

 

But I am broken.

[aliveagain]

In my opinion you did the right thing, he deserves to be able to make decisions that affect his life for himself. When you chose to have your affair you took his rights away from him, what you did was selfish, sorry but that is the truth. Your relationship, again in my opinion, would have failed anyway because one, there was deception and lying and a relationship without honesty will always fail in some major way over time. Trust/honest is the foundation of a healthy marriage. Two, by bringing a third person into an already troubled marriage all you did was trade the time you should have invested building a better relationship with your husband for cheap short term thrills from a predator. In essence you changed the value your husband saw in you. All he can think about right now is O/M and you conspired against him, you chose O/M over him and your family, he is the one on the outside. You and O/M plotted and had secrets together against him, he wasn't party to your secrets so that made him the outsider.

 

Secrets always have a way of coming into the light, today, tomorrow, 10 years from now. The pain to him would be the same no matter when he would have found out. Anyone that tells you to keep it a secret never learned their lesson, this is about you and your integrity and there is only one way to earn it back. One of your biggest challenges will be to get him to believe you still love him and always did. Your next challenge is to make him feel safe. Promising him anything will have no value to him because you already trashed your sworn promises to him(please tell me you didn't bring O/M into your home). If you want a shot at saving your marriage offer him a brutal post nuptial agreement(prepared by your lawyer and paid for by you) that gives him almost everything if you divorce because of a new infidelity, remember, your word means sh*t right now. You confessed and because of that fact there is always hope.

 

Prepare a full timeline of the events, leave nothing out no matter how brutal it is for him to read and seal it in a brown envelope. Let him decide if he wants to read it and if a second chance is on the table. There can be no trickle truth and no secrets left between you and the other man. That is key. Give him a copy of your STD screens, proof that you are not pregnant and above all transparency. Do the work to make yourself a safer person to be with. Let him tell you what he needs if reconciliation is even an option, for some infidelity is just a deal breaker. Take all the sh*t he throws at you, own what you did, show by your actions that you are doing what is necessary to fix this, he is the prize.

[oldshirt]

This is a typical reaction up front. However, this may not be over yet. Yes, prepare for the worst and protect yourself but don't burn any unnecessary bridges yet. These things have many ups and downs.

 

Was your other man a known or friend to your H?

 

I agree. This ain't over. The new chapter has only just begun.

 

Circle your wagons and stand your ground so that you aren't taken to the cleaners and are not exploited, used or manipulated and never settle for less than what you are legally entitled to by law.

 

But do not fling any mud, do anything to intentionally hurt or disparage anyone and do not burn any bridges.

 

This is a volatile and unstable situation right now and anything can happen.

[Owl6118]

You will find, amidst the rubble, some unexpected grace notes.

 

One thing you may learn is how much there is to learn about some of your friends. You will find that some of them have been waywards, or have overcome alcoholism, or drug abuse, or major depression, and they use their experience to try to help others. These people will find ways to make themselves known to you, and will reach out to you with compassion.

 

And in time, you will do the same for others if you stay on the road of integrity.

 

Remember too that even now, you are teaching your kids how to get on in the world. Teaching them by the example you set now how to face their greatest personal failings with humility and integrity will be a lesson that will serve them well in their own times of trial.

Edited February 5, 2017 by Owl6118

[deadsoul]

I agree. This ain't over. The new chapter has only just begun.

 

Circle your wagons and stand your ground so that you aren't taken to the cleaners and are not exploited, used or manipulated and never settle for less than what you are legally entitled to by law.

 

But do not fling any mud, do anything to intentionally hurt or disparage anyone and do not burn any bridges.

 

This is a volatile and unstable situation right now and anything can happen.

 

Yes. The OM was a friend in our lives. I will never fling mud to BH. I will assert myself for what's rightfully mine, but I will do my best to keep all this as amicable as possible. My kids are my priority right now (which they should've been last year) and my only goal is to get them through this the best I can. If BH decides he wants to R, I will take all the steps necessary to make that happen. That's ultimately what I would like to happen, but I'm pretty sure it isn't going to be that way at all. This was a deal breaker for him. And I don't like it, but I respect and honor that. (Too little too late on the respect and honor, though, right?). But from here on forward, I can do the things I didn't do before. He said some ugly things to me today. All deserved. And he was right. I'm not trying to be a martyr here, but he was right. But I am going to assert that no matter what he thinks of me as a person/wife, I deserve to be treated with respect as the mother of his children.

[deadsoul]

My H told everyone too. You would be surprised how most people don't really want to get involved and actually don't judge you as much as you would think. Everyone has their secrets and skeletons.

 

I'm sorry your husband has decided to end your marriage. What do you want? I know you said what you deserve and so on, but what do you want? If he asked you, do you want to save it or is there a part of you that is relieved?

 

I want to try to put my family back together. I owe them that. But if we try and it doesn't work, I'll know I've tried the way I should've before this happened. But there are issues that weren't dealt with that will need to be dealt with. And I think that's going to be tough for all of us. But I'm ready to do that work if he is. But if he's not, and it's looking to be that way, I have to respect that because I did not try to solve things the right way to begin with.

Edited February 5, 2017 by deadsoul
added more.

[oldshirt]

He said some ugly things to me today. All deserved. And he was right. I'm not trying to be a martyr here, but he was right. But I am going to assert that no matter what he thinks of me as a person/wife, I deserve to be treated with respect as the mother of his children.

 

were the things he said nonjudgemental facts such as, "you have severely damaged my trust in you and our relationship and I don't believe I will be able to trust you or view you the same anymore."

 

Or did he say inflammatory, derogatory things intended to hurt and defame you such as, "you are nothing but a nasty, skanky cheating #$%@ and I don't want your stench around here anymore."

 

One is a valid description and expression of his perspective , the other is a form of abuse.

 

Noone should subject themselves to abuse and mistreatment, even if they themselves have done something bad.

[Marc878]

Yes. The OM was a friend in our lives. I will never fling mud to BH. I will assert myself for what's rightfully mine, but I will do my best to keep all this as amicable as possible. My kids are my priority right now (which they should've been last year) and my only goal is to get them through this the best I can. If BH decides he wants to R, I will take all the steps necessary to make that happen. That's ultimately what I would like to happen, but I'm pretty sure it isn't going to be that way at all. This was a deal breaker for him. And I don't like it, but I respect and honor that. (Too little too late on the respect and honor, though, right?). But from here on forward, I can do the things I didn't do before. He said some ugly things to me today. All deserved. And he was right. I'm not trying to be a martyr here, but he was right. But I am going to assert that no matter what he thinks of me as a person/wife, I deserve to be treated with respect as the mother of his children.

 

Your H is in a very bad place. Everything he though he knew about you and the marriage has been blow up. Anger is blinding but what did you expect upfront?

 

If you want a chance at saving this give lots of space. Move yourself out of the bedroom. He should stay.

 

He'll be angry for a period of time but IMO that under the circumstances may not be a bad thing. It means you, the marriage meant a lot now it's all gone. after he calms down and that will come he may see things in a different light. Patience is what you need at this time. You're in shock too from his reaction.

 

How old are your kids? Do they know?

[aliveagain]

There is only one way to get through this and that is to go through it, take the lead from your husband. It will be the subtle things that will make the difference, remember, he was betrayed by his closest confidant and by the sounds of it, his best friend. He is morning the loss of what he believed he had, let him morn, give him whatever space he needs. You are still in the home, he hasn't kicked you out so there is still hope. Show him remorse. Get rid of anyone that knew or facilitated your affair, they are not friends of the marriage. His friend, your affair partner was never a true friend, make sure you send him a no contact demand but only after your husband has approved it. Become safe again, can't emphasise that point enough.

[deadsoul]

Your H is in a very bad place. Everything he though he knew about you and the marriage has been blow up. Anger is blinding but what did you expect upfront?

 

If you want a chance at saving this give lots of space. Move yourself out of the bedroom. He should stay.

 

He'll be angry for a period of time but IMO that under the circumstances may not be a bad thing. It means you, the marriage meant a lot now it's all gone. after he calms down and that will come he may see things in a different light. Patience is what you need at this time. You're in shock too from his reaction.

 

How old are your kids? Do they know?

 

Kids are teenagers. He told them. In detail. I've told them I will not lie to them that anything they want to know I will tell them, but to truly think if they really want to hear the answers before they ask.

 

I don't feel the things he said were abusive. He was honest in his feelings and said some truths. It was hard for me to hear, but it was true. And I acknowledged that. No one has been abusive on this board. Some of you have given me some harsh truths. But I didn't feel they were demeaning in any way. BH did it in the same way.

 

You're giving me hope here... and frankly, I'm pretty sure there isn't any. But I will be patient and give him his space and hope that he will be able to see things differently. At this point, it's all about him, as it should've been before.

[Dub]

if you don't mind me asking, did you do extremely sexually explicit things with the other guy that you didn't do with your husband? That could have an impact on if he decides to give you another chance.

[deadsoul]

For any of you in the midst of an A, picture yourself telling your children that what their father (or mother) said about you is true and that you were selfish and not thinking of the family first. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I expect my children to be angry and hurt for awhile and I respect that and will give them whatever they need to heal. But I have failed as a parent and admitting that honestly was very, very tough. Because I tell you what, "He filled a piece of me that was missing." does not cut it. And that was the excuse I gave to myself about why I was doing it. I convinced myself that I was happier and felt completed.

 

Um yeah. No. Not even close. Like I said, practice saying that to your kids and spouse and see how that flies.

[Marc878]

There is only one way to get through this and that is to go through it, take the lead from your husband. It will be the subtle things that will make the difference, remember, he was betrayed by his closest confidant and by the sounds of it, his best friend. He is morning the loss of what he believed he had, let him morn, give him whatever space he needs. You are still in the home, he hasn't kicked you out so there is still hope. Show him remorse. Get rid of anyone that knew or facilitated your affair, they are not friends of the marriage. His friend, your affair partner was never a true friend, make sure you send him a no contact demand but only after your husband has approved it. Become safe again, can't emphasise that point enough.

 

aliveagain is correct. This is very early.

 

Your actions/words at this time will be crucial.

 

I know you're shocked at his behavior but you shouldn't be. It would be good for you to put youself in your H's shoes at this time. In a perfect world you would both calmly sit down and discuss this but it's not where you're at.

 

It takes 2-5 years for a marriage to recover from an affair. If you both put in a lot of time and work but the heavy lifting will fall on you. You need to take some time and reflect as well if your H offers you the gift of R could you do what it's going to take? Sometimes there too much damage and you end up wasting precious time and life for something that could never be.

 

You have some thinking to do