I confessed

[deadsoul]

Please don't take offense. Some people don't write the way they talk, or act, and so I have to glean what I can by your prose. I'm sure this is devastating to you.

 

As far as evaluating your love for your husband, you need to take some time doing that, because you are still very much in the fog over your feelings for the OM. A year or so down the road, your total love and limerance towards your husband may return full force, and if he divorces you, you will truly be devastated when the reality of what you gave up finally hits you.

 

No offense taken at all. You've given me things to think about and I appreciate it.

[deadsoul]

It is OK to admit to yourself the right now you still feel feelings for AP that feel like love.

 

I am sure he has real attractive qualities, like you do, or I do. Things that were objectively attractive.

 

But remember the compartments. You compartmented yourself to him, too. Showed him only your wittiest and most empathetic and interested and attractive self. And kept your doubts and warts, and dirty laundry and unwashed dishes and work stress all safely away from him in your real life compartment where he never had to deal with them. For the space of a text or an email or an assignation you could be wonderful.

 

And he did exactly the same thing to you. Exactly. The. Same.

 

But outside the affair compartment you had become many ugly things. Like someone who lied, fluidly and easily and repeatedly, to thone who had utmost faith in you. This is a very ugly thing. Most of us don't choose to trust or associate with people who do this. But that is who you became.

 

And he was and is just the same. As easy and fluid a betrayer as you.

 

When you take the compartments down you will see him as who he is in whole. He will seem a lot less lovable.

 

I think you will find, with time, that you did not love him really. The person you really loved was yourself.

 

Real love is the actions we take. The actions of an affair -- the lies, the betrayals -- show mostly a crisis of monstrously metastasized self-love. A love that will sacrifice real character for a hit of self esteem.

 

 

Owl. Your user name is spot on. You're a wise one and I have appreciated your comments and am really thinking about them.

[QuietDan]

So far for me, the best guiding light for what love is come from the Bible. I can't help but notice that it is defined by verbs, actions, attitudes, behavior... It is a definition that both convicts and inspires me. I use this as a light house beacon in the night time stormy dark seas of life. When you read through what love is...An affair is in many ways the opposite of love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)

4*Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5*It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6*Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7*It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8*Love never fails.

[deadsoul]

It is OK to admit to yourself the right now you still feel feelings for AP that feel like love.

 

I am sure he has real attractive qualities, like you do, or I do. Things that were objectively attractive.

 

But remember the compartments. You compartmented yourself to him, too. Showed him only your wittiest and most empathetic and interested and attractive self. And kept your doubts and warts, and dirty laundry and unwashed dishes and work stress all safely away from him in your real life compartment where he never had to deal with them. For the space of a text or an email or an assignation you could be wonderful.

 

And he did exactly the same thing to you. Exactly. The. Same.

 

But outside the affair compartment you had become many ugly things. Like someone who lied, fluidly and easily and repeatedly, to thone who had utmost faith in you. This is a very ugly thing. Most of us don't choose to trust or associate with people who do this. But that is who you became.

 

And he was and is just the same. As easy and fluid a betrayer as you.

 

When you take the compartments down you will see him as who he is in whole. He will seem a lot less lovable.

 

I think you will find, with time, that you did not love him really. The person you really loved was yourself.

 

Real love is the actions we take. The actions of an affair -- the lies, the betrayals -- show mostly a crisis of monstrously metastasized self-love. A love that will sacrifice real character for a hit of self esteem.

 

This is the only part I disagree with in all your wise words. I was selfish and stupid and addicted to the excitement and the feelings that came with the A. But someone who loves herself would not do these things. I looked to OM to fill a missing piece and someone who loves herself would not do that. My IC asked me point blank, "Do you like yourself?" and I had no hesitation before the "NO!" flew out of my mouth. And I kind of shocked myself by saying that, but I realized it was true. I can honestly admit that I hate myself and am disgusted by my actions. I'm even more disgusted by the fact that I still catch myself thinking about OM. These are things I need to fix in myself. Because I truly believe that when I feel good about myself, OM will barely be a blip on my radar.

 

Even though things are still crap at home, I have a sense of peace that I've finally come clean and owned my actions. I feel horrible that I have that when everyone around me is in a lot of pain, but I have this small voice in me that is telling me I finally did the right thing after a series of wrong things. That gives me hope. I go to IC tomorrow, where I will tell her everything that's happened the past week and make a plan to better myself.

[Owl6118]

I hear what your saying.

 

It turns on how you interpret selfishness.

 

You are defining love as innately positive. So real self-love would be by definition a healthy self-love, rooted in a sense of self that is secure, not in need of external validation.

 

Selfishness, I am arguing, is also a form of self-love, albeit a sick one. Remeber, I like to define love as an action, not not a feeling. Is your empathy directed outward,, to others, and do you actions follow through, in the form of kindness and compassion? Or is your empathy directed inwards, to your hurts, your resentments, so that your actions flow towards soothing your pain above others', or at the cost of others' hurt? That's what I meant by self-love. Your actions show where you are investing your empathy, and your love.

 

It is semantics in a sense. But I imagine you can see the distinction.

Edited February 8, 2017 by Owl6118

[Marc878]

It's day 3 and you're still there. How's it going?

[deadsoul]

I hear what your saying.

 

It turns on how you interpret selfishness.

 

You are defining love as innately positive. So real self-love would be by definition a healthy self-love, rooted in a sense of self that is secure, not in need of external validation.

 

Selfishness, I am arguing, is also a form of self-love, albeit a sick one. Remeber, I like to define love as an action, not not a feeling. Is your empathy directed outward,, to others, and do you actions follow through, in the form of kindness and compassion? Or is your empathy directed inwards, to your hurts, your resentments, so that your actions flow towards soothing your pain above others', or at the cost of others' hurt? That's what I meant by self-love. Your actions show where you are investing your empathy, and your love.

 

It is semantics in a sense. But I imagine you can see the distinction.

 

Ah, okay. Now I understand. Thank you. Makes much more sense.

[deadsoul]

It's day 3 and you're still there. How's it going?

 

It's the small things... I've been sleeping on the floor for the past few days (the floor was actually better than the couch) and I got a small bed today and am setting up a little space for myself in the spare room. BH talked to me last night and asked me a lot of questions and was very angry. I answered everything honestly, even if it was ugly and he didn't want to hear it. When he was done talking to me, he let me know and I left the room. Other than that, he ignores me so I'm taking his cue and keeping myself busy. I will do everything he wants me to do within reason, but I am refusing to leave the house and stay somewhere else. It's my house too.

 

Thanks for asking.

[Marc878]

Hey, at least he's talking. He's doing some thinking it sounds like. Anger is to be expected and not a bad thing at this time. Internalizing would not be good.

 

Your honesty will go a long way.

 

It's not over yet. Stay on course.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is the only part I disagree with in all your wise words. I was selfish and stupid and addicted to the excitement and the feelings that came with the A. But someone who loves herself would not do these things. I looked to OM to fill a missing piece and someone who loves herself would not do that. My IC asked me point blank, "Do you like yourself?" and I had no hesitation before the "NO!" flew out of my mouth. And I kind of shocked myself by saying that, but I realized it was true. I can honestly admit that I hate myself and am disgusted by my actions. I'm even more disgusted by the fact that I still catch myself thinking about OM. These are things I need to fix in myself. Because I truly believe that when I feel good about myself, OM will barely be a blip on my radar.

 

Even though things are still crap at home, I have a sense of peace that I've finally come clean and owned my actions. I feel horrible that I have that when everyone around me is in a lot of pain, but I have this small voice in me that is telling me I finally did the right thing after a series of wrong things. That gives me hope. I go to IC tomorrow, where I will tell her everything that's happened the past week and make a plan to better myself.

 

Love means putting the needs and wants of others before our own needs and wants. Love is a verb....it is an action. Your actions proved that you loved yourself more you loved anyone else. Yes... you were selfish....and stupid...and addicted to the high of the feelings you felt while cheating. But you loved yourself more for a year....and you made a conscience decision to do so.

 

Now....I believe you do not like yourself right now..so if asked the question...do you like yourself? of course you don't. You are disappointed in yourself.....you have hurt people you love....you are disgusted.

 

I would like to warn you about something...and you have eluded to it several times.

 

If you are thinking about the om...if you are desiring him...if your feelings about him right now are in any way good ....then you are lying to yourself and to your husband. you need to look at the om in honesty. This man helped you to murder your marriage...yes your marriage as you knew it is dead. He helped you stab your husband in his heart...he stole from your husband and your children. He took what did not belong to him. If you truly look at the man he is....and hate yourself....then you must also realize that your feelings for him deserve that same hatred.... Because everything you have become...he helped you become.

 

I am not blaming him...you are completely responsible for your own choices...and i am glad to see you hold yourself accountable....but you did not cheat alone....and he is also responsible for what he has done to your family. That reason alone is enough for you to despise him.

 

If you hope to reconcile...you MUST come to terms with the emotions you are feeling toward the om. If your husband thinks you have anything but hatred for the om...he will feel that you are continuing to betray him. It truly is that simple....he will doubt EVERYTHING you say to him...every action will be viewed as false....because right now...what he wants to hear is that you hate the om....because i assure you ...he does.... and he has to hate him more than he hates you....because if he turns that hatred toward you.....there will be no reconciliation.

 

My husband asked me frequently...do you hate the om...and for a long time...my response was...I feel nothing.

 

As I grew in my knowledge of remorse....I understood why he kept asking me that question....he wanted to know i understood that he hated him and why....and he wanted to know that i understood what that did to him.

 

You see...my affair changed my husband forever....not just our marriage...but who he was. He became a person who could hate. That's my fault....I made the choice to do that to him....and while i plunged the knife deep into my husbands heart.. the om gave me the knife...

 

I don't want anyone to misunderstand what i am saying....WE as cheaters are completely and totally responsible for our decisions to cheat....but you don't cheat without an an affair partner.....

[Marc878]

Has he asked you to leave?

[deadsoul]

Has he asked you to leave?

 

Yes. And I told him I would not. That was the first day. Hasn't said anything since.

[deadsoul]

Love means putting the needs and wants of others before our own needs and wants. Love is a verb....it is an action. Your actions proved that you loved yourself more you loved anyone else. Yes... you were selfish....and stupid...and addicted to the high of the feelings you felt while cheating. But you loved yourself more for a year....and you made a conscience decision to do so.

 

Now....I believe you do not like yourself right now..so if asked the question...do you like yourself? of course you don't. You are disappointed in yourself.....you have hurt people you love....you are disgusted.

 

I would like to warn you about something...and you have eluded to it several times.

 

If you are thinking about the om...if you are desiring him...if your feelings about him right now are in any way good ....then you are lying to yourself and to your husband. you need to look at the om in honesty. This man helped you to murder your marriage...yes your marriage as you knew it is dead. He helped you stab your husband in his heart...he stole from your husband and your children. He took what did not belong to him. If you truly look at the man he is....and hate yourself....then you must also realize that your feelings for him deserve that same hatred.... Because everything you have become...he helped you become.

 

I am not blaming him...you are completely responsible for your own choices...and i am glad to see you hold yourself accountable....but you did not cheat alone....and he is also responsible for what he has done to your family. That reason alone is enough for you to despise him.

 

If you hope to reconcile...you MUST come to terms with the emotions you are feeling toward the om. If your husband thinks you have anything but hatred for the om...he will feel that you are continuing to betray him. It truly is that simple....he will doubt EVERYTHING you say to him...every action will be viewed as false....because right now...what he wants to hear is that you hate the om....because i assure you ...he does.... and he has to hate him more than he hates you....because if he turns that hatred toward you.....there will be no reconciliation.

 

My husband asked me frequently...do you hate the om...and for a long time...my response was...I feel nothing.

 

As I grew in my knowledge of remorse....I understood why he kept asking me that question....he wanted to know i understood that he hated him and why....and he wanted to know that i understood what that did to him.

 

You see...my affair changed my husband forever....not just our marriage...but who he was. He became a person who could hate. That's my fault....I made the choice to do that to him....and while i plunged the knife deep into my husbands heart.. the om gave me the knife...

 

I don't want anyone to misunderstand what i am saying....WE as cheaters are completely and totally responsible for our decisions to cheat....but you don't cheat without an an affair partner.....

 

I was hoping you would come here and give me your advice. I've admired your comments on other threads. You've given me lots more to think about and ponder so I don't have a response yet. But thank you for your time and your perspective. I truly appreciate it.

 

All of you have given me different things to consider and think about and I truly appreciate it and the support/tough love/etc. has been phenomenal. Thank you.

[Marc878]

Yes. And I told him I would not. That was the first day. Hasn't said anything since.

 

Typical reaction upfront.

 

I have seen this senario almost exactly once before. WW came clean and 100% honesty. Seemed to be going well but she couldn't or wouldn't stop thinking of OM (it was a sexual affair not in love) almost 9 months later she hooked back up with the other man. she did not see a therapist for help. Affair addictions die hard.

 

Better work on this aspect. No contact of any kind is imperative!!!!!

[Mrs. John Adams]

I was hoping you would come here and give me your advice. I've admired your comments on other threads. You've given me lots more to think about and ponder so I don't have a response yet. But thank you for your time and your perspective. I truly appreciate it.

 

All of you have given me different things to consider and think about and I truly appreciate it and the support/tough love/etc. has been phenomenal. Thank you.

 

Deadsoul...my affair was very brief...so I cannot relate to your situation completely. But I too confessed....I too know how that feels. You know it is the right thing to do but at the same time you are scared to death...because even though you made the decision to cheat....you obviously have some regret....and in confessing you are giving your spouse the ammunition to blow your life apart. You stand to not only lose your family but you stand to lose your home and the respect of family and friends...and you lose your self respect.

 

It would be so much easier to keep the secret....and live a lie the rest of your life. But you were willing to lay yourself out to your spouse and say...I have wronged you....and i am willing to do my best to show you that i understand what i have done....and i am asking you to consider giving me another chance even though i do not deserve one.

 

Just like you cannot cheat without an affair partner....you cannot reconcile a marriage alone.

 

Three days....is not enough time for him to even begin to process all of this....just as your world is destroyed...so is his.

 

You have received wonderful advice here. My favorite books have been recommended....therapy, and seeking legal advice....are all good things to pursue.

 

You might even want to see a doctor....or recommend your husband see a doctor...you might need an anti depressant to help you sleep.

 

You are being honest with him....and are allowing him to ask the questions he needs answers to. He may ask questions for months and years. Be willing to give him answers...because that will help him process.

 

This is a long hard road to walk....and hopefully...in a few days....you can begin the walk together. Right now...I know you feel so alone and so afraid....hang in there.

 

If I can help in any way...please ask. It has been a long time...but i still remember the pain...I still remember the struggle....

 

I want to offer you this....as long as he is listening....as long as you become transparent and show him that you are sincere.....there is hope.

 

Hope will get you through today into tomorrow....one step at a time...one day at a time. Take care of yourself.......

[deadsoul]

Typical reaction upfront.

 

I have seen this senario almost exactly once before. WW came clean and 100% honesty. Seemed to be going well but she couldn't or wouldn't stop thinking of OM (it was a sexual affair not in love) almost 9 months later she hooked back up with the other man. she did not see a therapist for help. Affair addictions die hard.

 

Better work on this aspect. No contact of any kind is imperative!!!!!

 

I agree that the addiction dies hard. Luckily he won't contact me so I don't feel there's an issue there and I'm definitely not contacting him. I've learned to never say never though and this is what will keep me from going back: my family knows him and knows it WAS him. We've taken all the steps to block him out of our lives. Whenever I get those stupid thoughts in my head about him, I replace them with my BH's face and my kids' faces when they found out who it was and what I did. Plus, I am seeing a therapist.

 

I am determined to make better choices and anything involving him in any way, shape or form goes against everything I'm working for.

 

That said, it could happen. But an alcoholic always has to be aware that one sip can land them right back in it. I feel like this will be a similar type of battle for me

[Dub]

Did you tell the OM's wife?

[deadsoul]

Did you tell the OM's wife?

 

He's divorced. So I don't feel the need to. ;-)

[aliveagain]

You have been given some amazing advice. The very first thing we tell a betrayed spouse is to believe very little of what comes out of the wayward spouses mouth and to watch for their actions because actions don't lie. Your husband is watching yours. The best way to deal with your O/M issues is with the help of a trained counsellor, one that has experience with infidelity. You can't control your betrayed spouses actions so control the ones you can, yours. Work on yourself, find out why your husbands validation wasn't enough for you and why O/M's was. You will have to answer this for him one day so dig deep. He will want to know why you kept going back if you weren't in love with the other man.

 

Since you didn't answer my "please tell me you never brought the other man into your home" comment should we assume sex also happened in your home? If it did it will be a lot harder for your husband to deal with and that could affect reconciliation. If his sanctuary was compromised you will have to get rid of everything that could trigger your husband, everything, even the cloths you bought and wore for other man. Hope your up for the challenge, I have to tell you I worry about your thoughts for other man.

[deadsoul]

You have been given some amazing advice. The very first thing we tell a betrayed spouse is to believe very little of what comes out of the wayward spouses mouth and to watch for their actions because actions don't lie. Your husband is watching yours. The best way to deal with your O/M issues is with the help of a trained counsellor, one that has experience with infidelity. You can't control your betrayed spouses actions so control the ones you can, yours. Work on yourself, find out why your husbands validation wasn't enough for you and why O/M's was. You will have to answer this for him one day so dig deep. He will want to know why you kept going back if you weren't in love with the other man.

 

Since you didn't answer my "please tell me you never brought the other man into your home" comment should we assume sex also happened in your home? If it did it will be a lot harder for your husband to deal with and that could affect reconciliation. If his sanctuary was compromised you will have to get rid of everything that could trigger your husband, everything, even the cloths you bought and wore for other man. Hope your up for the challenge, I have to tell you I worry about your thoughts for other man.

 

Sorry I missed that. I never brought him into the bedroom. But he has been in my house numerous times because he was a friend of the family (not a close one).

 

To be honest, I worry about those thoughts too and I'm definitely going to talk about it tomorrow. I do NOT want to go back there. Ever. I feel like talking about them and admitting them here, as painful as it is, makes me accountable. And I need to be accountable for everything I do. You send all those 2x4s my way, girl. I will take those hits if it will knock some damn sense into me.

Edited February 8, 2017 by deadsoul

[road]

Sorry I missed that. I never brought him into the bedroom. But he has been in my house numerous times because he was a friend of the family (not a close one).

 

To be honest, I worry about those thoughts too and I'm definitely going to talk about it tomorrow. I do NOT want to go back there. Ever. I feel like talking about them and admitting them here, as painful as it is, makes me accountable. And I need to be accountable for everything I do. You send all those 2x4s my way, girl. I will take those hits if it will knock some damn sense into me.

 

Trickle truthing still I see. So OM was not in the bedroom.

 

 

OM was in the house because he was a friend of the family.

That statement does not say you did not have the OM during

the affair as your AP. So it does not clear up if you and the OM

did or did not do any affair related stuff in your marital home

or property or even your car.

 

 

I have read countless stories where the BH dragged his bedroom set

out to the backyard to have a campfire after the OM and his WW fouled

it up.

[deadsoul]

Yes. I'm trickle-truthing here. On a public message board. Because anything I have not spoken to him about yet I will not put here. But he will get the whole truth, with all the ugly when he asks. I've told him that. But I will not put that here before he gets it. Following that rule, I need to stop admitting I've still fought thinking about OM until I tell him that too. To be honest, after I admitted that here, I've really seen the crazy and stupidity in those thoughts and now he just makes me feel sick inside.

[deadsoul]

Obviously I've made some bad choices. I have a lot of work to do. I'm probably going to do things "wrong" as I try to do them right. But I'm going to do the best I can. It's all I can do.

[Owl6118]

But he will get the whole truth, with all the ugly when he asks. I've told him that. But I will not put that here before he gets it. Following that rule, I need to stop admitting I've still fought thinking about OM until I tell him that too. To be honest, after I admitted that here, I've really seen the crazy and stupidity in those thoughts and now he just makes me feel sick inside.

 

Working on a written timeline is a good way to hold yourself accountable. Waiting passively for him to ask can be a way to give yourself permission to be passive too. I push the timeline as a way to hold yourself accountable without putting it on him to ask for accountability.

 

Be judicious. I understand not answering the more disturbing affair mechanics questions here until you have confessed them to him-- that is empathetic to him, you are imagining himself in his shoes.

 

But you are in triage and sometimes need help putting direct pressure on the bleeding so you don't bleed out. You got good feedback when you confessed the OM thoughts. And, those thoughts are not something your husband can ever help you with so you will need help from elsewhere.

 

If you need help, give yourself permission to ask for it, case by case, would be my best advice to you. This is a time for making a lot of hard choices among imperfect options.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes. I'm trickle-truthing here. On a public message board. Because anything I have not spoken to him about yet I will not put here. But he will get the whole truth, with all the ugly when he asks. I've told him that. But I will not put that here before he gets it. Following that rule, I need to stop admitting I've still fought thinking about OM until I tell him that too. To be honest, after I admitted that here, I've really seen the crazy and stupidity in those thoughts and now he just makes me feel sick inside.

 

it has been 4 days since you confessed.....you are answering all of his questions.....that is not trickle truthing.

 

I poured out my heart to my husband...giving way too many details way too fast. It was a huge mistake.

 

I should have told him the facts...and then allowed him to ask what he wanted to know...and then given him the answers to his questions.

 

There are some here who have never received the truth from their cheating spouses...and they resent that...as well they should....but their situation does not necessarily apply to everyone else's situation.

 

Trickle truthing is when you intentionally withhold information....to cover up the crime committed.

 

I do not hear in your comments that you are trickle truthing.....and I will also remind you and others as well....

 

you don't owe us any explanations at all. You do not need to tell us any details....that you are not comfortable in sharing. You came here to share and to ask questions....and you can at any time you decide to....shut it down.

 

I was crucified when i first came....over details that some here had difficulty with.....I was not familiar with the terminology of the forum. I had always called my infidelity "an affair". I had never been on a forum...i had never read any infidelity books.

 

In describing my affair I used the terminology one night stand...because i was only intimate 1 time with my affair partner. My husband who was on the forum before me....had described my affair as an ea pa..(which i had no idea what meant). I was attacked over and over for months...that i was trickle truthing....it had been 30 years since i cheated....so...i started using my old terminology and i always refer to it as my affair.....

 

Trickle truthing? because i called it one thing and my husband called it another? Was it still the same affair and did I not tell confess what happened? Did the title of my affair change what i had done? Was my husband ok with my description? Did I owe anyone else...especially forum members....any explanations?

 

The simple answer to this is I do not owe anyone but my husband anything...and neither do you.