I confessed

[Marc878]

You're still there. How's your H and the kids? Cooling off any?

[deadsoul]

You're still there. How's your H and the kids? Cooling off any?

 

Thanks for asking. I'm being ignored by BH and one of my kids. It's hard, but I know they are coping the way they know how and I respect that.

 

BH is open to MC, so I'm working on getting that started.

 

One day at a time.

[Marc878]

Thanks for asking. I'm being ignored by BH and one of my kids. It's hard, but I know they are coping the way they know how and I respect that.

 

BH is open to MC, so I'm working on getting that started.

 

One day at a time.

 

That's a very good thing.

 

However, some MC's are not good. Research. If you get one that he doesn't like or you feel isn't good drop them and move on. Some can actually do more damage than good. Your IC maybe able to recommend one.

[Marc878]

Your kids will probably come around first. You are their mom.

[aliveagain]

Thanks for asking. I'm being ignored by BH and one of my kids. It's hard, but I know they are coping the way they know how and I respect that.

 

BH is open to MC, so I'm working on getting that started.

 

One day at a time.

 

Think about what your reaction might have been like if you were the same age as your kids and you just learned that your mother was bang*ng some guy for the past year. Ya they are mad at you, they might even be mad at your husband for not being man enough to keep you from straying. This is the kind sh*t going through their minds. Your mom, they don't understand that your broken. Think of the lesson you just taught them. You have to get them professional help so they don't think your relationship is what they should strive for. Give them the tools they need for their shot at happiness.

Edited February 10, 2017 by aliveagain

[Jersey born raised]

As others have mentioned to often MC push past the adultery and focus on the issues. Discuss with MC their apoarch. The issues caused by the adutery must be addressed first. Only then can the issues in the marriage be addressed.

[understand50]

Thanks for asking. I'm being ignored by BH and one of my kids. It's hard, but I know they are coping the way they know how and I respect that.

 

BH is open to MC, so I'm working on getting that started.

 

One day at a time.

 

Deadsoul,

 

You may have found your path and just do not know it yet. Hope is here, and maybe this can end better then you thought. You have ruff and hard times ahead, but remember, that you have much to make up for, my only advise is be honest with all the questions, both for him and yourself.

 

I wish you luck......

[road]

She wept for OM and her BH comforted her? Are you kidding me? That "man" deserved to be cheated on again.

 

You and the ones that liked this post do not understand or believe the

addictiveness affairs are to the WW.

 

 

This addictive nature is why it is hard for the BH to kill the affair.

Why it is hard to avoid a brief relapse during the ending of the affair.

Why NC for life is a must to prevent the affair from restarting.

Why continued contact prevents the WW from detoxing from her

addiction her OM.

 

 

Further more this addiction is why the WS grieves for their AP.

So until the WW gets over her addiction she will not be able to see

how bad her actions were after D day.

 

 

Yes some WW can drop the OM like a bad habit on D day. Some is not

all or even most. They WW built up here fantasy land and she believes

the baloney she justified to her self to have an affair. It takes time

for the WW to wake up smell the coffee and call baloney on her

justifications.

 

 

This is why recovery is a 2 to5 year period. That BH is a strong man

because he realizes that his life is better keeping his marriage and family

intact rather then divorcing. So he does what has to get done. He takes the job in hand and does not complain.

[road]

As others have mentioned to often MC push past the adultery and focus on the issues. Discuss with MC their apoarch. The issues caused by the adutery must be addressed first. Only then can the issues in the marriage be addressed.

 

 

Baloney. That is blame shifting justifying the affair.

[strugglinghubby]

Baloney. That is blame shifting justifying the affair.

 

^ Agree! Any MC who does not deal with the A first and foremost, and more importantly the fallout/impact of the A is a joker IMO. It's all good and well to want to address deficiencies in the relationship pre-affair to make the relationship stronger, but guess what, there has to actually be a relationship to improve first. If the A and it's fallout are not dealt with satisfactorily there will be no relationship, and if for some reason the betrayed partner can live in a relationship where that has been rug swept it will build all sorts of bitter resentment for a long time which will be far more damaging to the relationship than the issues pre-affair.

[strugglinghubby]

Thanks for asking. I'm being ignored by BH and one of my kids. It's hard, but I know they are coping the way they know how and I respect that.

 

BH is open to MC, so I'm working on getting that started.

 

One day at a time.

 

I only come here off and on after my experience a while ago, but I have to say I have a lot of respect for the way you're handling this. From a BH's perspective (well mine at least), if my WW would've approached her A the way you have it would've been so much better for me. I had to cut through lies, trickle truth, blame shifting, the whole works. It was really hard work, and yes we are still together and the M is getting stronger and stronger. I hope your BH has the internal strength to accept it for what it is, for both yours and his sake.

 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, you might not be able to see it yet, but it's there. Keep supporting him, help him see you're truly sorry for what you did every chance you get. It is a massive hit to a guys confidence and self worth when this happens to them, help him build himself up in his own eyes again to the strong/proud man you fell in love with all those years ago. He may be putting on a brave/strong face on the outside, from personal experience I can tell you he's a broken man on the inside.

 

Wishing you both the best of luck

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Road,

 

What do you disagree with in my last post? Please re-read it. If I wasn't clear: MC must first deal with the issues CAUSED BY

[Owl6118]

I just wanted to send you a word of encouragement today. We know its hard but I think you are doing the right things day by day. I hope your appointment with your therapist was productive.

 

Remember to let go of the outcome as best you can. The good actions you take now, from a place of honesty and humility, create the best healing for you and husband and sons no matter what. Easier said than done, but nothing about this is easy.

[deadsoul]

I just wanted to send you a word of encouragement today. We know its hard but I think you are doing the right things day by day. I hope your appointment with your therapist was productive.

 

Remember to let go of the outcome as best you can. The good actions you take now, from a place of honesty and humility, create the best healing for you and husband and sons no matter what. Easier said than done, but nothing about this is easy.

 

Thank you. It really was productive. No. None of this is easy and it's just going to get harder. But I feel like I'm coming through the worst of it and I'm getting shimmers of hope that there's a chance we can try to fix things. But the depression and anxiety feelings are really hard. I know, I did this to myself. But one of my "homework assignments" is to forgive myself. At this point, I just don't think I can. Maybe once I start making some "amends," I will lighten up on myself a little bit. But it's a path and I know it is going to be extremely bumpy. But I'm not a quitter.

[deadsoul]

I only come here off and on after my experience a while ago, but I have to say I have a lot of respect for the way you're handling this. From a BH's perspective (well mine at least), if my WW would've approached her A the way you have it would've been so much better for me. I had to cut through lies, trickle truth, blame shifting, the whole works. It was really hard work, and yes we are still together and the M is getting stronger and stronger. I hope your BH has the internal strength to accept it for what it is, for both yours and his sake.

 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, you might not be able to see it yet, but it's there. Keep supporting him, help him see you're truly sorry for what you did every chance you get. It is a massive hit to a guys confidence and self worth when this happens to them, help him build himself up in his own eyes again to the strong/proud man you fell in love with all those years ago. He may be putting on a brave/strong face on the outside, from personal experience I can tell you he's a broken man on the inside.

 

Wishing you both the best of luck

 

Thank you for this. Really. Your words mean a lot to me. I know I broke him. I have to live with that.

[deadsoul]

That's a very good thing.

 

However, some MC's are not good. Research. If you get one that he doesn't like or you feel isn't good drop them and move on. Some can actually do more damage than good. Your IC maybe able to recommend one.

 

Yes, I'm getting recommendations now. I want to make sure we have the right fit for us. And I'm trying to deal with some insurance issues too. We may just have to pay out of pocket, but I think it is a good investment.

[deadsoul]

Think about what your reaction might have been like if you were the same age as your kids and you just learned that your mother was bang*ng some guy for the past year. Ya they are mad at you, they might even be mad at your husband for not being man enough to keep you from straying. This is the kind sh*t going through their minds. Your mom, they don't understand that your broken. Think of the lesson you just taught them. You have to get them professional help so they don't think your relationship is what they should strive for. Give them the tools they need for their shot at happiness.

 

I repeated history, however, I was older when I found out. But it was hard for me. I told them I'm broken. I told them I made some bad choices and I'm taking steps to right my wrongs. One lesson I hope they learn is that people can make pretty bad choices, but it's how they handle them that makes them grow and be better.

[deadsoul]

Baloney. That is blame shifting justifying the affair.

 

Can you please elaborate on this? What am I looking for in a MC? I was a little confused by the posts in this section. Thanks.

[deadsoul]

You and the ones that liked this post do not understand or believe the

addictiveness affairs are to the WW.

 

 

This addictive nature is why it is hard for the BH to kill the affair.

Why it is hard to avoid a brief relapse during the ending of the affair.

Why NC for life is a must to prevent the affair from restarting.

Why continued contact prevents the WW from detoxing from her

addiction her OM.

 

 

Further more this addiction is why the WS grieves for their AP.

So until the WW gets over her addiction she will not be able to see

how bad her actions were after D day.

 

 

Yes some WW can drop the OM like a bad habit on D day. Some is not

all or even most. They WW built up here fantasy land and she believes

the baloney she justified to her self to have an affair. It takes time

for the WW to wake up smell the coffee and call baloney on her

justifications.

 

 

This is why recovery is a 2 to5 year period. That BH is a strong man

because he realizes that his life is better keeping his marriage and family

intact rather then divorcing. So he does what has to get done. He takes the job in hand and does not complain.

 

It has very much felt like a detoxing. And maybe still is. And can I admit this here? I'm scared. I don't ever want to do something like this again. But I never thought i would do something like this in the first place. Luckily the OM will not come back... but if he did, I have to be strong and stay NC. I'm scared to admit that I'm scared I won't be able to. I don't want to promise I won't ever have any interaction with him again. Because I did a lot of things I thought I would never ever do. I have to be accountable... I've read about false reconciliations and I do NOT want that to be me. So the bottom line? I'm scared. I don't blame BH for not trusting me... I don't trust myself at this point. But every time I start to have those thoughts, I picture my family, as I should've done in the first place. But now I have that image permanently in my head of how they felt based on what I did. i caused it.

 

I'm even scared to post this... but I keep it real here, so here it goes....

 

PS. I have PROMISED to stay NC and tell BH if it is broken. I intend to keep that promise no matter what. I HAVE to.

[QuietDan]

Forgiving self....may prove to be the hardest part.

[Marc878]

It has very much felt like a detoxing. And maybe still is. And can I admit this here? I'm scared. I don't ever want to do something like this again. But I never thought i would do something like this in the first place. Luckily the OM will not come back... but if he did, I have to be strong and stay NC. I'm scared to admit that I'm scared I won't be able to. I don't want to promise I won't ever have any interaction with him again. Because I did a lot of things I thought I would never ever do. I have to be accountable... I've read about false reconciliations and I do NOT want that to be me. So the bottom line? I'm scared. I don't blame BH for not trusting me... I don't trust myself at this point. But every time I start to have those thoughts, I picture my family, as I should've done in the first place. But now I have that image permanently in my head of how they felt based on what I did. i caused it.

 

I'm even scared to post this... but I keep it real here, so here it goes....

 

PS. I have PROMISED to stay NC and tell BH if it is broken. I intend to keep that promise no matter what. I HAVE to.

 

At some point you probably should get together with your H and issue an NC letter. Once finished give it to your H to mail/deliver. It would probably be a good idea to inform OM that everyone has been told. Family, friends, etc.

 

An once of prevention is better than a pound of cure.

[understand50]

Deadsoul,

 

Look, know you are down, and this is to be expected. If you were not, I would question your commitment to the marriage. Remember that you have taken the only path that may lead to reconciliation and some healing. The hurt and pain, is nothing to what would have been if your husband had found you out on his own. Keep this in mind, it should help you, as although this is tough going, it is the right way.

 

I wish you luck......

[Owl6118]

Thank you. It really was productive. No. None of this is easy and it's just going to get harder. But I feel like I'm coming through the worst of it and I'm getting shimmers of hope that there's a chance we can try to fix things. But the depression and anxiety feelings are really hard. I know, I did this to myself. But one of my "homework assignments" is to forgive myself. At this point, I just don't think I can. Maybe once I start making some "amends," I will lighten up on myself a little bit. But it's a path and I know it is going to be extremely bumpy. But I'm not a quitter.

 

It's the paradox of responsibility.

 

You were almost certainly not you healthiest self when you made these choices, and you will need to do some work to find out why. But there is some space for self compassion if not exactly self forgiveness in knowing younwere broken and exploring what helped break you.

 

But the greater part of self compassion will indeed come from the amends, i.e. from the other side of the paradox... from owning it anyway.

 

And the last bit of healong from compassion you will offer others in the future once you are more sorted and centered, and wiser for this pain.

Edited February 11, 2017 by Owl6118

[QuietDan]

I will pray for you and your family. For the others who believe, I hope they also will pray for you and your family.

[Owl6118]

It has very much felt like a detoxing. And maybe still is. And can I admit this here? I'm scared. I don't ever want to do something like this again. But I never thought i would do something like this in the first place. Luckily the OM will not come back... but if he did, I have to be strong and stay NC. I'm scared to admit that I'm scared I won't be able to. I don't want to promise I won't ever have any interaction with him again. Because I did a lot of things I thought I would never ever do. I have to be accountable... I've read about false reconciliations and I do NOT want that to be me. So the bottom line? I'm scared. I don't blame BH for not trusting me... I don't trust myself at this point. But every time I start to have those thoughts, I picture my family, as I should've done in the first place. But now I have that image permanently in my head of how they felt based on what I did. i caused it.

 

I'm even scared to post this... but I keep it real here, so here it goes....

 

PS. I have PROMISED to stay NC and tell BH if it is broken. I intend to keep that promise no matter what. I HAVE to.

 

Yes, you do have to keep that promise. You really do. Your life depends on it every but as much as mine depends on not drinking.

 

As for the fear of new contact and doubting your ability to stay away from it, I think you do well to drag it out into daylight where we can demythologize it. You words will hurt some here who have been hurt, and you may get some of their pain projected onto you. But putting this out in the light of day is good for you.

 

So, again, remember who this affair partner of yours is -- in full. In the full light of day. He is your willing co-conspirator in breaking your soul and and devistating your loved ones world. Charming quality in a man, that.

 

And think about where exactly this attraction comes from. Because it doesn't really come fro the real him I wager. I think you will find it comes from the image of him in your head -- which is really, if you look honestly and clearly enough, a fairy tale you embroider around him, projected from your own needs.

 

I don't think you want him at all. You just want how he made you feel about yourself.

 

To use the alcohol analogy, you don't really miss the taste of scotch. You just miss being drunk.