I confessed

[harrybrown]

is there anything you can do to help your BH self esteem?

 

was the OM better, or in some way is your BH better?

 

Hope you can get to affair recovery.

 

just imagine that he was the one that had the A.

 

How would you feel? angry? Hurt? Horrified? what would you have him to to fix this? then do that for him, if you still love him. If you do not, then file for D and let him try to work thru the pain.

 

Do think about what this does to a spouse.

 

It hurts more than you can imagine.

[deadsoul]

Yes, you do have to keep that promise. You really do. Your life depends on it every but as much as mine depends on not drinking.

 

As for the fear of new contact and doubting your ability to stay away from it, I think you do well to drag it out into daylight where we can demythologize it. You words will hurt some here who have been hurt, and you may get some of their pain projected onto you. But putting this out in the light of day is good for you.

 

So, again, remember who this affair partner of yours is -- in full. In the full light of day. He is your willing co-conspirator in breaking your soul and and devistating your loved ones world. Charming quality in a man, that.

 

And think about where exactly this attraction comes from. Because it doesn't really come fro the real him I wager. I think you will find it comes from the image of him in your head -- which is really, if you look honestly and clearly enough, a fairy tale you embroider around him, projected from your own needs.

 

I don't think you want him at all. You just want how he made you feel about yourself.

 

To use the alcohol analogy, you don't really miss the taste of scotch. You just miss being drunk.

 

Yes. I feel like part of being honest is admitting it. And I will completely agree: I don't miss him one bit. I miss the feelings and the excitement. There was so much about him that I didn't like. And I knew that things would've never worked out with him. I want to get to the bottom of what my pull to him was (is?) and why I went down that unhealthy road. I will say that since I confessed, my "feelings" for him dropped way down. It's as if the fog is finally clearing. My head always knew, but my heart and feelings were stupid.

 

My life absolutely depends on staying NC. One thing that got me into this mess was hiding my feelings and compartmentalizing and justifying everything. I feel like by dragging my icky thoughts into the light of day, I'm accountable to me and everyone around me. Typing them out for the world to see really makes me see the ridiculousness of some of my thoughts. But I let them live and fester in my head for too long and I can't do that anymore. I'm prepared to get some of that pain projected on to me from others. It will serve as a reminder to me what will happen if I even think about going down that path again.

 

Can I ask a question and please ignore if you want. As an alcoholic, can you say, "I'll never have a drink again."? "I'll never do that to my family again."?

 

Or do you have to say, "I know the consequences of what will happen if I drink again"

 

I guess I'm asking how it works because I see myself in an addiction of sorts and I feel like saying "I'll never do it again" is setting myself up for a fall. Does that make sense?

[deadsoul]

is there anything you can do to help your BH self esteem?

 

was the OM better, or in some way is your BH better?

 

Hope you can get to affair recovery.

 

just imagine that he was the one that had the A.

 

How would you feel? angry? Hurt? Horrified? what would you have him to to fix this? then do that for him, if you still love him. If you do not, then file for D and let him try to work thru the pain.

 

Do think about what this does to a spouse.

 

It hurts more than you can imagine.

 

This is my primary focus these days. And yes, we are working on getting MC. W

[deadsoul]

At some point you probably should get together with your H and issue an NC letter. Once finished give it to your H to mail/deliver. It would probably be a good idea to inform OM that everyone has been told. Family, friends, etc.

 

An once of prevention is better than a pound of cure.

 

Yes. I completely agree. I don't want to contact OM though. If BH decides we should do a NC letter, I will, but I want it to ultimately be his decision. I am resolved to stay NC and will tell him if I am contacted in any way.

[Marc878]

Yes. I feel like part of being honest is admitting it. And I will completely agree: I don't miss him one bit. I miss the feelings and the excitement. There was so much about him that I didn't like. And I knew that things would've never worked out with him. I want to get to the bottom of what my pull to him was (is?) and why I went down that unhealthy road. I will say that since I confessed, my "feelings" for him dropped way down. It's as if the fog is finally clearing. My head always knew, but my heart and feelings were stupid.

 

My life absolutely depends on staying NC. One thing that got me into this mess was hiding my feelings and compartmentalizing and justifying everything. I feel like by dragging my icky thoughts into the light of day, I'm accountable to me and everyone around me. Typing them out for the world to see really makes me see the ridiculousness of some of my thoughts. But I let them live and fester in my head for too long and I can't do that anymore. I'm prepared to get some of that pain projected on to me from others. It will serve as a reminder to me what will happen if I even think about going down that path again.

 

Can I ask a question and please ignore if you want. As an alcoholic, can you say, "I'll never have a drink again."? "I'll never do that to my family again."?

 

Or do you have to say, "I know the consequences of what will happen if I drink again"

 

I guess I'm asking how it works because I see myself in an addiction of sorts and I feel like saying "I'll never do it again" is setting myself up for a fall. Does that make sense?

 

My uncle was an alcoholic. He was on the wagon for @ 7 years. He was at a Christmas party and took one drink. He was drunk for most of the next 3 years or so.

 

NC must be your life going forward. Not just OM but any situation similar.

 

IMO when/if you ever get to true remorse that will help immensely.

 

The alternative is divorce. Having 50% custody of your kids, your H having someone else in his life. Your kids spending half their time with their step mother, etc.

 

Make no mistake this senario plays out all the time. A very real possibility.

 

Temper your desires with this. You control you and no one else. You're not as weak as you think you are. It takes a huge amount of strength to confess like you have. Don't throw that away for a 15-20 minute high.

[Owl6118]

 

Can I ask a question and please ignore if you want. As an alcoholic, can you say, "I'll never have a drink again."? "I'll never do that to my family again."?

 

Or do you have to say, "I know the consequences of what will happen if I drink again"

 

I guess I'm asking how it works because I see myself in an addiction of sorts and I feel like saying "I'll never do it again" is setting myself up for a fall. Does that make sense?

 

Wow. Those are really good questions. Whew. Surprisingly hard to answer.

 

No, I don't say I will never have a drink again. I say I will not drink today. One day at a time.

 

And no I don't say I will not drink today not becuase "I know the consequences of what will happen if I drink again," though those are real and they do motivate me. But much more important is what I really say, which is, "I never want to be that person again." See, the first kinda implies that if there were no consequences I'd go back in a flash. But that's not true for me, not now. I am content to be me. I know longer want to be a person who anesthetizes his pain. I'd rather be a person who works through it instead of just numbing it.

 

It's like walking on a broken ankle as I think someone else said recently. Even if you promised me I would feel no pain from it, do you think I would want to walk on that twisted festering stump instead of healing it?

 

When you really hit bottom, you want to get better becuase your soul is sick to death of being sick. Not becuase the hangover is bad.

 

Now, these answers are for you, OK? This is one of those things were you have to make some judicious choices about your truth for yourself and your therapist vs. truth for your husband. He simply should not have to hear about these cravings. It is not his job to offer you compassion or even have to deal with these feelings you have on this subject.

 

I think the truth you share is "I never want to be a person who betrays again. I am sickened by who I became and what I have done. I don't want to be her any longer. I will work every day not to be her again. Day after day after day."

[deadsoul]

My uncle was an alcoholic. He was on the wagon for @ 7 years. He was at a Christmas party and took one drink. He was drunk for most of the next 3 years or so.

 

NC must be your life going forward. Not just OM but any situation similar.

 

IMO when/if you ever get to true remorse that will help immensely.

 

The alternative is divorce. Having 50% custody of your kids, your H having someone else in his life. Your kids spending half their time with their step mother, etc.

 

Make no mistake this senario plays out all the time. A very real possibility.

 

Temper your desires with this. You control you and no one else. You're not as weak as you think you are. It takes a huge amount of strength to confess like you have. Don't throw that away for a 15-20 minute high.

 

I truly regret what I've done. Does that mean I'm not truly remorseful? I am committed to rebuilding my family and I am going give everything I have not to ever jeopardize that again.

[deadsoul]

Wow. Those are really good questions. Whew. Surprisingly hard to answer.

 

No, I don't say I will never have a drink again. I say I will not drink today. One day at a time.

 

And no I don't say I will not drink today not becuase "I know the consequences of what will happen if I drink again," though those are real and they do motivate me. But much more important is what I really say, which is, "I never want to be that person again." See, the first kinda implies that if there were no consequences I'd go back in a flash. But that's not true for me, not now. I am content to be me. I know longer want to be a person who anesthetizes his pain. I'd rather be a person who works through it instead of just numbing it.

 

It's like walking on a broken ankle as I think someone else said recently. Even if you promised me I would feel no pain from it, do you think I would want to walk on that twisted festering stump instead of healing it?

 

When you really hit bottom, you want to get better becuase your soul is sick to death of being sick. Not becuase the hangover is bad.

 

Now, these answers are for you, OK? This is one of those things were you have to make some judicious choices about your truth for yourself and your therapist vs. truth for your husband. He simply should not have to hear about these cravings. It is not his job to offer you compassion or even have to deal with these feelings you have on this subject.

 

I think the truth you share is "I never want to be a person who betrays again. I am sickened by who I became and what I have done. I don't want to be her any longer. I will work every day not to be her again. Day after day after day."

 

I never want to be that person again. Ever. And that is such the truth. I am sickened by who I became. I WILL work every day not to be her again. And I am taking one day at a time.

 

edited... I completely agree that the first implies I'd go back if there weren't consequences. Thank you for saying that.

[Owl6118]

I truly regret what I've done. Does that mean I'm not truly remorseful? I am committed to rebuilding my family and I am going give everything I have not to ever jeopardize that again.

 

Regret gets you started but remorse takes time. Regret is what we were discussing above. It's fear of consequences.

 

Remorse cokes with tume. Its a deep, deep, piercing sadness and disappointment for what you let yourself become. And a deep, deep sadness for how indifferent and careless and cruel you were to others.

 

When the idea of numbing yourself by being intoxicated, whether with alcohol or limerance or sex, becomes revolting, aesthetically and spiritually revolting, that's remorse. It takes time.

[Marc878]

I truly regret what I've done. Does that mean I'm not truly remorseful? I am committed to rebuilding my family and I am going give everything I have not to ever jeopardize that again.

 

What’s the difference between regret and remorse?

 

Regret has to do with wishing you hadn’t taken a particular action.

 

Remorse comes from true empathy for the pain the other person is feeling because of your actions.

 

Only you can answer your question.

[Cephalopod]

Remorse is also about taking your husband's pain and making it your own. True, encompassing empathy. You aren't there yet, but if you continue working on yourself you will get there. It's all about reconnecting with him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I truly regret what I've done. Does that mean I'm not truly remorseful? I am committed to rebuilding my family and I am going give everything I have not to ever jeopardize that again.

 

regret and remorse are not the same thing and you may eventually get to the remorse stage...but sweetheart...you are less than a week out

 

We all know you are sorry...we know you regret what you did

 

Concentrate on getting better ...find out why you allowed yourself to cheat...make yourself transparent...and show your husband that you still want him....show him you will do whatever it takes to heal the pain you have caused....and if he decides that he cannot and will not give you a second chance....do what you can to make the divorce process as easy as possible for your children.

 

Read linda macdonald's book how to help your spouse heal from your affair..continue therapy....and answer his questions.

 

Sometimes...Betrayed spouses just cannot accept the damage done by the wayward...and for them the answer is to remove the cancer. It may not be what you desire...but he can only do what he is capable of doing.

 

This process takes a long time...I wish that there was a quick fix...but there isn't.

 

I am really sorry...I know how this feels....and it sucks

[BluesPower]

Regret vs remorse...

 

What a huge topic, and we talk all the time about it.

 

I have no doubt that you truly regret what you have done.

 

But, even still, what you don't really understand is how horrible hurt your husband is and will be for a long long time to come.

 

You remember that look that you saw on his face when you confessed. That horrible look, where you could actually see his soul dying as you looked on?

 

That is only the beginning of the pain that your affair has and will cause him. Now, he doubts himself as a man, as a lover, as a husband, he doubts himself about everything. And at the same time that he loves you, he hates you.

 

Inside, his is almost dead. There is just a little spark of life left inside him and he does not know if he will make it though the day.

 

Over time he will let you see some of his pain, a little at a time. Some will come though anger, some will come through tears, some will come through the sadness inside him that you will notice and can do nothing about.

 

It is a pain that you caused with your selfishness that you will never know. It is a pain deeper than the regret that you now feel and deeper than the pain that you now feel for hurting him and your children.

 

It is a pain that he will never, ever get over, he will only learn to live with it. If you have the courage, as it seems like you may, only you can help with it, but you can never make it go away.

 

You will understand more of his pain over time, and at some point, you will start to feel in the smallest degree, some of his pain. And you will also know that you are only feeling the slightest amount of what he is living with and it will hurt worse than anything you have ever felt in your life. And still it is just the smallest amount of what he lives with every day.

 

You will cry deep sobbing tears for him as you begin to feel some of his pain. You will not be able to stop crying over that pain.

 

THEN you will know what remorse feels like. Then you will be remorseful.

[QuietDan]

Deadsoul,

Just did a quick scan of your postings... may have missed something...

Why do you want to save your marriage with your husband?

Great opportunity for an exit. If you have grown apart... have nothing in common... completely different sex drives and interests... like different things...

Why put both of you through years of hell to save this relationship?

What is there to save? A dead friendship? Do you have anything in common with him?

Do you two like to do anything together as a couple?

What are you trying to save? Yah... I get he is a great guy and doesn't deserve this... all the guilt and remorse...regret... so you rebuild your self and try to do the right thing....

But, what is the right thing? Why?

I don't think I remember seeing he is my best friend anywhere... Actually... there is a lot here missing compared to what I have seen in the past from many a remorseful wandering spouse... I may be wrong.... I may have missed something.... more than likely I did....this is getting to be a lengthy thread...

Lots of angst about the right and wrong about how poor of a way using infidelity to resolve personal and marital issues...

Why should either one of you go through the pain of Recovery?

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul,

Just did a quick scan of your postings... may have missed something...

Why do you want to save your marriage with your husband?

Great opportunity for an exit. If you have grown apart... have nothing in common... completely different sex drives and interests... like different things...

Why put both of you through years of hell to save this relationship?

What is there to save? A dead friendship? Do you have anything in common with him?

Do you two like to do anything together as a couple?

What are you trying to save? Yah... I get he is a great guy and doesn't deserve this... all the guilt and remorse...regret... so you rebuild your self and try to do the right thing....

But, what is the right thing? Why?

I don't think I remember seeing he is my best friend anywhere... Actually... there is a lot here missing compared to what I have seen in the past from many a remorseful wandering spouse... I may be wrong.... I may have missed something.... more than likely I did....this is getting to be a lengthy thread...

Lots of angst about the right and wrong about how poor of a way using infidelity to resolve personal and marital issues...

Why should either one of you go through the pain of Recovery?

 

You have asked some great questions... and here is my answer... I've deliberately not answered any questions about my BH here because I don't want to put those emotions and feelings out here. But I've asked myself all the questions you are asking and I have answers to most of them, but I feel that anything to do with BH I'm keeping private, sharing with him or my IC.

 

I will say this: I love him, he's my best friend and I'm determined to try for R if he's open to it. But I'm not saying anything about him here good or bad.

 

OM? I don't care about him so I talk about him here no problem. I feel like I have to get my feelings/confusions about him out here so that I can move forward with R.

 

So I can see where many are getting the impression I'm looking to get out. Maybe after more counseling, that may be the ultimate solution. But I truly hope not.

 

Here is something I'm grappling with: If I love him so much, how could I have done this to him? I did the worst thing I can do to someone to the person I love.

 

But thank you for asking those tough questions. I'm choosing not to answer them here, not to be evasive or avoidant, but to keep some of this private.

 

I will also say this: if I didn't care about R, I would not be here exposing the raw, ugly parts of myself that need to be exposed so that I can heal myself as well.

[deadsoul]

Regret vs remorse...

 

What a huge topic, and we talk all the time about it.

 

I have no doubt that you truly regret what you have done.

 

But, even still, what you don't really understand is how horrible hurt your husband is and will be for a long long time to come.

 

You remember that look that you saw on his face when you confessed. That horrible look, where you could actually see his soul dying as you looked on?

 

That is only the beginning of the pain that your affair has and will cause him. Now, he doubts himself as a man, as a lover, as a husband, he doubts himself about everything. And at the same time that he loves you, he hates you.

 

Inside, his is almost dead. There is just a little spark of life left inside him and he does not know if he will make it though the day.

 

Over time he will let you see some of his pain, a little at a time. Some will come though anger, some will come through tears, some will come through the sadness inside him that you will notice and can do nothing about.

 

It is a pain that you caused with your selfishness that you will never know. It is a pain deeper than the regret that you now feel and deeper than the pain that you now feel for hurting him and your children.

 

It is a pain that he will never, ever get over, he will only learn to live with it. If you have the courage, as it seems like you may, only you can help with it, but you can never make it go away.

 

You will understand more of his pain over time, and at some point, you will start to feel in the smallest degree, some of his pain. And you will also know that you are only feeling the slightest amount of what he is living with and it will hurt worse than anything you have ever felt in your life. And still it is just the smallest amount of what he lives with every day.

 

You will cry deep sobbing tears for him as you begin to feel some of his pain. You will not be able to stop crying over that pain.

 

THEN you will know what remorse feels like. Then you will be remorseful.

 

 

This group of posts about remorse vs. regret really hit me on a deep level. Thank you to all that posted about that. You are all right... I am not truly remorseful yet.

 

Ouch. That was painful to admit. The little bit of comfort (? not sure if that's the right word choice) is reading that it's a process and it will come with time. Good. I want to be truly remorseful. I feel like I've experienced it some, but I have not experienced full empathy of BH and his emotions yet. I'd be lying if I said I was.

[BluesPower]

All of that is of course your decision...

 

But understand this. You will not get the amount of advice that you may need to sort through your actual feelings if you don't lay it all out on the line.

 

I loved my wife the whole time that I was cheating, but I am still divorcing her. Not for any one woman or for the things she has done to me. I am divorcing her because she really does not love me. Bottom line. It took 27 years to figure that out, because I am a fool, but there is no coming back from that realization.

 

Her affairs and her drug addiction I could forgive, but never the fact that she does not love me. She just used me for breeding stock and a paycheck.

 

I advise you to put all your feelings out there. Just writing them out to LS will help you solidify them in your mind.

 

I think overall, you are doing well and no one knows what the future holds but I for one wish you luck and happiness whatever happens...

[deadsoul]

All of that is of course your decision...

 

But understand this. You will not get the amount of advice that you may need to sort through your actual feelings if you don't lay it all out on the line.

 

I loved my wife the whole time that I was cheating, but I am still divorcing her. Not for any one woman or for the things she has done to me. I am divorcing her because she really does not love me. Bottom line. It took 27 years to figure that out, because I am a fool, but there is no coming back from that realization.

 

Her affairs and her drug addiction I could forgive, but never the fact that she does not love me. She just used me for breeding stock and a paycheck.

 

I advise you to put all your feelings out there. Just writing them out to LS will help you solidify them in your mind.

 

I think overall, you are doing well and no one knows what the future holds but I for one wish you luck and happiness whatever happens...

 

Good points made here. I will think about it. Probably the things that are making me the most uncomfortable are the things that need to be discussed.

[BluesPower]

That is probably true...

 

All I am saying is that, if you really loved your husband as more than a friend you would still be attracted to him physically. Are you?

 

Maybe your love is more platonic now? It is?

 

Here is the deal, if you "really love" him like you say you do, why? That is the question. Is it the lifestyle that you have, is it the comfort, is it the kids?

 

If you are not all in, and you love him, but you don't have that spark for him, then set him free. I think the worst thing a woman can do to a man is not sleep around on him. It is staying with him when you know he loves you and YOU know that deep down you really DON'T love him the way that you should.

 

Let me give you an example from my life. Now I am a bit of a womanizer and I am not proud of it. But after my marriage, I just cannot give myself to one woman any more. In fact, I am so broken that I really cannot love any woman the way that I loved (and still do really) my STBXW.

 

I have several GF's that love me more than my wife ever did, and I regret that I cannot love them back the way that they love me. I should let them go and just be alone.

 

The point is that it feel really great to have a woman that loves you that much, even though I can't love them the same. And I know I suck for being with them.

 

If you have lost it for your husband, and it happens, let him find a woman out that that wants to love him the way that maybe you cannot.

 

Does that make any sense?

[Marc878]

This group of posts about remorse vs. regret really hit me on a deep level. Thank you to all that posted about that. You are all right... I am not truly remorseful yet.

 

Ouch. That was painful to admit. The little bit of comfort (? not sure if that's the right word choice) is reading that it's a process and it will come with time. Good. I want to be truly remorseful. I feel like I've experienced it some, but I have not experienced full empathy of BH and his emotions yet. I'd be lying if I said I was.

 

What you've seen/witnessed with the look on his face is unfortunately "the tip of the iceberg" of what's going on inside. You aren't on the receiving end so you can't comprehend the devastation.

 

Men for the most part tend to keep things inside (not a good thing). It would be best if he could share/tell you what he's feeling. Much like releasing the pressure inside. If not it has a tendency to fester and linger.

 

I suspect you'll notice quite a bit of weight loss on him. Eating or holding food is usually a problem at this time. As well as lack of sleep.

[BaileyB]

Dead soul,

 

I will admit that I haven't read through the entire discussion. But, I have been very impressed by your humility and your ability to face the hard reality of the situation. I really do wish you well in this journey, whatever happens with your marriage. And, hang tight with your kids... Kids want their parents to be happy. Just love them, and they will come around.

[Just a Guy]

Hi dead soul, I saw that you had posted on Zombie's thread. If you have read his reaction after he was able to establish the extent of his wife's betrayal and the pain that he is enduring you will know the extent of your husband's pain. As someone said his soul died in front of your very eyes. If you keep reading the accounts of people like Zombie and Barry you will get an inside view of what a BH feels and suffers through, something you may never get to know fully about your husband's suffering at least at present where communication between you two may be minimal.

 

The saving grace in your case has been that you confessed voluntarily and are placing yourself in a vulnerable position to show your husband that you are truly sorry for what you did to him and are prepared to suffer the consequences of your actions. That is part of the remorse process. As someone else said when you are able to assume some of the pain that your husband is suffering from then only will true remorse start to fill your being and you will truly begin to empathize with your husband. I wish you the best as you go forward and hope you can stay the course you are on. Warm wishes.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I loved my husband too... funny way of showing it isn't it?

 

But at that moment in time.. I loved me more... than I did him.

 

We fool ourselves into thinking we are more important than we really are.

 

I looked for excuses to be mad at my husband ... I built a case against him. He had not changed... I did... I was the one who moved in our relationship.

 

I hope you get your answers... I am still not sure how I became that person... but I keep very tight boundaries because I never want to become that person again. I remind myself daily what I almost lost.... my whole world.. I risked everything ... how could I do that?

[understand50]

Deadsoul,

 

There was a good discussion on what remorse is. It did go off the rails in the end, but the first part is really good. Mrs Adams had several good posts as did several other. I think this will help you. We are not born with this. My wife, and I are working though this, but at a much lower level and intensity, as we have reconciled and are working on our marriage. In other words, she still does not really get it, but I love her and have hopes.

 

Guilt vs remorse vs shame as it relates to affairs

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/610566-low-sex-partner-affair-fresh-d-day

 

" All,

 

In the English language, Remorse means the following:

 

noun, deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction.

 

So from a strictly literal grammatical point of view, remorse, is just a handy way of stating that you have regret, shame, guilt and so fourth for your actions. I think for us here, a larger meaning is evident. We have had many give their personal meaning from Mrs J.A, to Merrmeade, Shattered Lady, and others. Each has a take, and "knows" what this means, but in relating gives a twist.

 

Here is what I think, Remorse, true remorse, in the context of infidelity, or any action(s) that you have done to grievously wound your spouse, child or other family members, is the ability to look beyond yourself, your well being, and your own interests and feel the pain and hurt caused by your actions, and in so doing, begin to try and make things right to restore trust in an relationship. It is allowing the injured person to select what they need to heal, from you, and for you to supply it to the best of your understanding and ability. At it core, you place their needs above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. You must lastly become an open book, and live mutually transparent with them.

 

Of course, there are limits. I would say, physical harm, or loss of human dignity should not be offered, or accepted, but the one who has trespassed, must be willing to put the other ahead of them in the relationship.

 

My two cents."

 

 

I wish you luck.....

[Mrs. John Adams]

Deadsoul,

 

There was a good discussion on what remorse is. It did go off the rails in the end, but the first part is really good. Mrs Adams had several good posts as did several other. I think this will help you. We are not born with this. My wife, and I are working though this, but at a much lower level and intensity, as we have reconciled and are working on our marriage. In other words, she still does not really get it, but I love her and have hopes.

 

Guilt vs remorse vs shame as it relates to affairs

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/610566-low-sex-partner-affair-fresh-d-day

 

" All,

 

In the English language, Remorse means the following:

 

noun, deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction.

 

So from a strictly literal grammatical point of view, remorse, is just a handy way of stating that you have regret, shame, guilt and so fourth for your actions. I think for us here, a larger meaning is evident. We have had many give their personal meaning from Mrs J.A, to Merrmeade, Shattered Lady, and others. Each has a take, and "knows" what this means, but in relating gives a twist.

 

Here is what I think, Remorse, true remorse, in the context of infidelity, or any action(s) that you have done to grievously wound your spouse, child or other family members, is the ability to look beyond yourself, your well being, and your own interests and feel the pain and hurt caused by your actions, and in so doing, begin to try and make things right to restore trust in an relationship. It is allowing the injured person to select what they need to heal, from you, and for you to supply it to the best of your understanding and ability. At it core, you place their needs above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. You must lastly become an open book, and live mutually transparent with them.

 

Of course, there are limits. I would say, physical harm, or loss of human dignity should not be offered, or accepted, but the one who has trespassed, must be willing to put the other ahead of them in the relationship.

 

My two cents."

 

 

I wish you luck.....

 

Great post

 

I will add.. to be remorseful means to take action... it isn't enough to just feel it

 

And most never achieve it... it took me 30 years...

 

Can you mend a broken relationship without it? Well yes... but I think most betrayed spouses will forever desire to see it in their wayward.. because until they do I think a fear will always remain that their wayward really doesn't totally understand how much pain they have caused... and if you don't understand... you might do it again.

 

We had a wonderful relationship those thirty years I was still searching... but now that I know what it is.., our relationship moved to a whole new level. He knows I know... and he rests in that knowledge.

 

That doesn't mean that it never hurts or he never triggers.. but he knows that when he dies I feel his pain and do everything I can to reassure him that I know and I will never hurt him again.