I confessed

[deadsoul]

I see you still feel a lot of fellowship with those of us who are alcoholics or addicts. Excellent, fellowship is the single best part of being an alcoholic. I am dead serious. It's wonderful. There is no more empathetic group of people than sober alcoholics and sober narcotics addicts. And I personally add ex-waywards to my rogues gallery of friends and soulmates. Such good souls, if sometimes a little sad or whistful.

 

So how do you do it? Well, I did it with the traditional 12 steps of AA. Here they are.

 

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

 

Step One, well, you have already worked hard on it. You know you couldn't stay out of the affair, that you got ghosted never got yourself out. You know thoughts of it still come to you unbidden and against your will. You know your soul was dying. Which is a poetic way of saying you were an unmanageable mess.

 

Step 2. Uh oh, the God stuff. Remember these were written in the 1920s in a very different world. If you are a conventional believer, take them as written. If like me you are an agnostic bordering on atheist, be as free as you like in defining higher power. Higher power can be the power of a group, like this one, to apply their collective moral support and wisdom to tell you what you need to hear. It can be the power of aestbetic faith, that there is beauty and meaning in acting with kindnesss in the world. But the idea is you can't change on willpower alone. You get this I think, else you would not have confessed, and wouldn't be here learning.

 

Step 3, 4, 5. You surrendered a lot of will in confessing, and in your ongoing transparency about your doubts and shortfalls. You are on this journey.

 

Step 6 and 7. Now the hard stuff. You are smart, you have a quick mind, it shows in your writing. I am sure you have pride in that and in other things too. A lot of pride. Oh, we addicts and waywards are big ones on pride. Big ones for turning our intellect onto your faults -- husband, boss, whomever. Big ones for reasoning away our own. But look where you are. Are you ready to get humble, give up pride, and ask in a small scared voice "is it possible to be better? Will I be safe if I let go of my Pride? What will be left of me?" It is so not easy. Pride is so comforting. You can sit in the wreckage of your life and clutch pride like a threadbare blanket around you and simply refuse to change. Even now.

 

Step 8 and 9. Another way of saying remorse.

 

Step 10 through 12. Growing to be a new, quieter, somewhat sadder, but more humble and generous and compassionate you. A you for whom cheap validation is empty of attraction, a subject of indifference. And a you who helps others in our fellowship in the toybox of broken toys.

 

 

So there you go. A guide to sobriety of any kind, a steps to a healthy life and soul.

 

I can't even begin to thank you for how much your words have reached me. I have come back and read this thread numerous times and you seem to always nail it for what I'm experiencing and feeling. I thank you from the bottom of my dead soul.

[deadsoul]

Hi deadsoul, there have been some wonderful thoughts expressed here on remorse, the path to it, what it looks like, and where you are in the journey towards it. In fact I am amazed at the extent of interest and thought provoking expression of views that your thread has generated, something I have not seen here on LS in a long time, if at all. Owl and Herenorthere have spoken words of wisdom. So have many others and it may be difficult to name everyone. Aliveagain is someone who comes to mind. My point is that you have been given a lot of food for thought and you are truly blessed that people have expressed the best of their thinking to help you along your way.

 

I just want to add a couple of points to what everyone has had to say. The first is something I mentioned in passing which is that you have opened yourself to vulnerability with respect to your husband. To me this is something very important in your journey forward. When your husband realizes that you have made yourself vulnerable to him he will begin to realize how deeply you care about giving him back his self respect and his position as the most important person in your life. He needs to know this to help him heal and recover his manliness which have taken a body blow because of your affair.

 

The other point that I wanted to highlight was that your affair, it's termination, your confession and your husband's reaction culminating in an emotional melt down for both you and your husband, has created an opportunity for you to introspect deeply about everything in your life leading up to your involvement in your affair and also on the period while you were active in it. It also gives you the opportunity to look closely at the innermost workings of your mind, your personality strengths and flaws, infact , at your whole persona. It gives you the opportunity to analyse those traits in your personality which enabled you to violate your vows and disrespect your husband enough to have an affair. This is an opportunity that you must embrace wholeheartedly and utilize to the fullest extent. You may not like some of the things that get thrown up to the surface but it is all part of the healing process for you and thereby, for the healing process of your husband.

 

I don't know if you are a religious person or not but that is not so important. What is important is whether you are a spiritual person or not. If you are indeed spiritual or even if you are not and have a tepid interest in things spiritual I would suggest that you get down on your knees or maybe even sit in a chair in a secluded part of your home and pray to the Almighty for forgiveness of your transgressions and for showing you the way forward in your relationship with your husband and in your life in the future as a wife, a mother and as someone who is a responsible, trustworthy and dependable person in the home and outside of it. I think this last will be the essential act which will help you start to heal and move forward with your life. Warm wishes.

 

Thank you for this. You know? I had lurked here for so long and I think I had to be ready to "hear" (read) the wonderful wisdom that people have. All different experiences and yet they come together and try to help a broken person like myself. This has been probably hands down the toughest week I've ever gone through. But I made it. And I know I have many more tough weeks ahead of me. And when I feel like giving up or quitting, I come here and I read this thread and it reminds me... to keep going. I made so many many bad choices. But coming here and posting about it? One of those smart ones. I do not know what is going to happen to me or my family. But I do know I am strong and I will not be defeated. I will never be able to turn this into a positive thing, but I will be able to learn and grow and be a better me. That's the best I can do in this *****ty situation (that I caused).

[Marc878]

He ghosted me. I truly do not believe I'm going to hear from him again. He is a weak coward. He got what he wanted. I think I was ghosted because he moved on to someone else so i really don't think he even considers me at all, which is fine.

 

However, if I'm wrong, my BH will be the first to know. I've disabled all social media, which is how we communicated. I've distanced myself from mutual friends, which is tough, but am doing that out of respect for BH. I don't want any opportunities to run in to him. I have a plan in place. If he contacts me, that's when BH can make the decision to write a NC statement.

 

At some point he'll probably get the urge. IMO you need to head that off at the pass. Also your friend who knew about the affair needs the same NC treatment.

 

You want to move on from this the choices you need to make maybe tough but are needed.

 

How close was this friend? Does your H know her well?

[Owl6118]

I can't even begin to thank you for how much your words have reached me. I have come back and read this thread numerous times and you seem to always nail it for what I'm experiencing and feeling. I thank you from the bottom of my dead soul.

 

I have a lot of hope for you.

 

I have tried to mention it several times, but to make the promise explicit -- if you stay on this road someday you will be in a position to offer hope to someone else as a result of the journey you have taken. That is one of the only blessings that can come from shipwrecking yourself, but it is not a small one. There are ways you can turn this to good for others in time, and in that you will find a small but durable kernel of self esteem again, one built on a better and firmer foundation. Hold that thought on the dark days, OK?

[Friskyone4u]

He ghosted me. I truly do not believe I'm going to hear from him again. He is a weak coward. He got what he wanted. I think I was ghosted because he moved on to someone else so i really don't think he even considers me at all, which is fine.

 

However, if I'm wrong, my BH will be the first to know. I've disabled all social media, which is how we communicated. I've distanced myself from mutual friends, which is tough, but am doing that out of respect for BH. I don't want any opportunities to run in to him. I have a plan in place. If he contacts me, that's when BH can make the decision to write a NC statement.

 

Deadsoul

 

If I understand this correctly he ghosted you before you confessed? Is that what prompted you to confess and not the guilt???

If you are correct and in essence he "dumped" you for another "conquest", then you can take it to the bank that when Romeo hits an"dry" spell , and he will, he will easily find you through these friends even though you are not running around with them much. He has no reason not to. You never actually turm d

Him down for sex.

You would be better off while this is fresh in BH mind to do the NC and see how OM reacts. Then you are in control

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul

 

If I understand this correctly he ghosted you before you confessed? Is that what prompted you to confess and not the guilt???

If you are correct and in essence he "dumped" you for another "conquest", then you can take it to the bank that when Romeo hits an"dry" spell , and he will, he will easily find you through these friends even though you are not running around with them much. He has no reason not to. You never actually turm d

Him down for sex.

You would be better off while this is fresh in BH mind to do the NC and see how OM reacts. Then you are in control

 

He ghosted me 3 months ago. I just recently confessed. Him ghosting me and the guilt are not what prompted me to confess. What prompted me to confess was wanting to do the right thing if my relationship was going to move forward. I felt like I was living a lie and it was poisoning everything around me. So maybe you can say I confessed because of the guilt... but I mainly did it because I needed to take responsibility and own my mistakes otherwise I am doomed to repeat them.

[HereNorThere]

Reporting live from trenches of the dating world here. Ghosting definitely doesn't mean a person won't come back around. I've been doing this a while and I've been ghosted, girl got married, had kid, divorced, came back around 7 years later. Happens all the time.

 

Usually ghosting just means they're chasing someone else for a while. Unless you take steps to make sure they can't contact, they'll "probe" one day when things fizzle out with their new crush. Seriously, this happens more often than not. You've been warned.

 

Hope you're starting to feel a little better. I'm a bit of a glutton for punishment so guilt is like a second language to me. I can empathize with how you feel, no doubt. Keep yourself busy and focus on the things in your life that you can control. The only thing that's the end of the world is the world. No one is dead and life can return to sense of normal once everyone is done processing their grief. Until then, stay strong and keep doing the right things. People will remember your humility when they look back at what you've done.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi deadsoul, I just was able to read your thread. I'm a FWW too. It seems to me you are on the right path. But make no mistake...it's a long path. A hard path. A painful path. It took about 18 months before my marriage with my H turned the corner toward reconciliation. Before then I never was sure whether he wanted to stay with me or not...but I decided that I was going to work on being a better and healthier person whether we stayed together or not. I think that helped him see that I was serious about changing and doing the work on me and our marriage.

 

One thing we did in the time after d-day was have "talk times." They were scheduled times, with a set length (30 min, 1 hour) to talk about the A. During these talk times, any topic was up for grabs, as well as the A. And talking had to involve listening and being respectful. Usually after the talk time we'd both do something different to get some breathing space. Maybe these would be helpful for you...we did this instead of MC.

 

Finally one last thing...the feelings you currently have for xOM...my A ended a few months before d-day also. But I found after d-day I started thinking about him all over again, even wanting to reach out a few times (I didn't). I realized I was using him as an escape. To escape the mess I'd made of my life. Once I realized this, the thoughts receded. Maybe this is the case for you too?

 

Finally here's my old thread from a few years ago. Maybe it will help. And PM me if you would like.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/421926-my-story-fww

[Cephalopod]

Deadsoul do you feel that your husband is your plan B now? That you have settled for him? Did you feel that way during the affair?

 

If the AP would have left his wife and kids and asked you to move in with him, would you have done it?

 

If so, how are you reconciling these questions with your husband? Is he okay with being your backup plan, if indeed that is what you see him as?

 

I'm not trying to attack you. I may be completely off base, but I had to ask that question. There is another poster here who is not wanting to confess to her husband, and I am desiring to see the differences between the two of you...this aspect of a husband being plan B being of highest interest.

[deadsoul]

AP was single. I had tried to break it off with him right before he ghosted me. I knew that I didn't want to be with him. It isn't actually him I miss, to be honest. I know that things would've never worked between us so there's no "riding off into the sunset" with him.

 

I don't feel attacked at all. I think you are asking valid questions. I'm doing a lot of soul searching right now and am asking myself these same types of questions.

 

BH is definitely not plan B. I will say that. I have a lot of work to do on me and us (if he's willing) and at the end, maybe there is no plan anyone. Maybe it's just me on my own. I'm not sure yet.

 

Deadsoul do you feel that your husband is your plan B now? That you have settled for him? Did you feel that way during the affair?

 

If the AP would have left his wife and kids and asked you to move in with him, would you have done it?

 

If so, how are you reconciling these questions with your husband? Is he okay with being your backup plan, if indeed that is what you see him as?

 

I'm not trying to attack you. I may be completely off base, but I had to ask that question. There is another poster here who is not wanting to confess to her husband, and I am desiring to see the differences between the two of you...this aspect of a husband being plan B being of highest interest.

[deadsoul]

Hi deadsoul, I just was able to read your thread. I'm a FWW too. It seems to me you are on the right path. But make no mistake...it's a long path. A hard path. A painful path. It took about 18 months before my marriage with my H turned the corner toward reconciliation. Before then I never was sure whether he wanted to stay with me or not...but I decided that I was going to work on being a better and healthier person whether we stayed together or not. I think that helped him see that I was serious about changing and doing the work on me and our marriage.

 

One thing we did in the time after d-day was have "talk times." They were scheduled times, with a set length (30 min, 1 hour) to talk about the A. During these talk times, any topic was up for grabs, as well as the A. And talking had to involve listening and being respectful. Usually after the talk time we'd both do something different to get some breathing space. Maybe these would be helpful for you...we did this instead of MC.

 

Finally one last thing...the feelings you currently have for xOM...my A ended a few months before d-day also. But I found after d-day I started thinking about him all over again, even wanting to reach out a few times (I didn't). I realized I was using him as an escape. To escape the mess I'd made of my life. Once I realized this, the thoughts receded. Maybe this is the case for you too?

 

Finally here's my old thread from a few years ago. Maybe it will help. And PM me if you would like.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/421926-my-story-fww

 

Wow thanks. This makes a ton of sense. And yes, I'm going to read your thread. I can't PM yet. I have to be a member for 30 days. But I may have some questions for you as I go if you don't mind.

[deadsoul]

Reporting live from trenches of the dating world here. Ghosting definitely doesn't mean a person won't come back around. I've been doing this a while and I've been ghosted, girl got married, had kid, divorced, came back around 7 years later. Happens all the time.

 

Usually ghosting just means they're chasing someone else for a while. Unless you take steps to make sure they can't contact, they'll "probe" one day when things fizzle out with their new crush. Seriously, this happens more often than not. You've been warned.

 

Hope you're starting to feel a little better. I'm a bit of a glutton for punishment so guilt is like a second language to me. I can empathize with how you feel, no doubt. Keep yourself busy and focus on the things in your life that you can control. The only thing that's the end of the world is the world. No one is dead and life can return to sense of normal once everyone is done processing their grief. Until then, stay strong and keep doing the right things. People will remember your humility when they look back at what you've done.

 

I don't know what he'll do because he isn't my concern, to be honest. I would be surprised if he contacted me, but I still have a plan in place if he does. There's a chance I'll run into him at some point anyway so I have to have a plan for that too. He's not my problem or my concern. I'm finally seeing him for what he is and what he represents.

[Marc878]

I don't know what he'll do because he isn't my concern, to be honest. I would be surprised if he contacted me, but I still have a plan in place if he does. There's a chance I'll run into him at some point anyway so I have to have a plan for that too. He's not my problem or my concern. I'm finally seeing him for what he is and what he represents.

 

Ah, the fog dissipates.

[deadsoul]

Ah, the fog dissipates.

 

It's about time, right?? I was starting to scare myself. But yes, it FINALLY is.

[Marc878]

Looking back you'll understand why NC is imperative. If that's not in place it turns into a vicious circle. Especially upfront.

 

No matter what get good solid boundaries in place. They have to become a way of life.

[Friskyone4u]

I don't know what he'll do because he isn't my concern, to be honest. I would be surprised if he contacted me, but I still have a plan in place if he does. There's a chance I'll run into him at some point anyway so I have to have a plan for that too. He's not my problem or my concern. I'm finally seeing him for what he is and what he represents.

 

Deadsoul

 

And what is the plan if you run into him. And what is the plan to avoid that????

I know what the plan should be, but would be interested in what you have formulated.

[Simoo]

Well I'm sorry for everything you're going through, and all I can say is that I respect the way your handling things but, I kinda think you're a little too Pacific regarding your relationship continuing though I might be wrong, if you really do love your husband wich deep down sound like you do, and the best way to know if that's true is imagining what you'd feel if you saw him right now with another woman, and from the little you said about him, he is a pretty opinionated guy, and even all of the hurt you caused him, I still think he loves you, the lash outs are normal, everyone acts differently about their pain, I guess all I'm saying is if you truly want it to work out, you have to tell him, not that you're sorry, you must've said that already, you need to tell him that you love him after all and that you would show him that and spend the rest of your life doing so if he's to give you another chance, cuz like I said I think you still love him so you gotta say it not let him take all the decisions here cuz he's hurt and a hurt person tend to make rash decisions they regret afterwards. Anyways best of lucky.

[Just a Guy]

OWow Simoo, well said but a few commas and fullstops would help immensely. Also maybe break it up into a couple of paragraphs. However, whatever you said really gels.

[Jersey born raised]

Keep posting. It helps to vent. Hope you reconcile.

 

Try posting your thoughts on sone of the material you have read. Comments will help you understand some of what you read.

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul

 

And what is the plan if you run into him. And what is the plan to avoid that????

I know what the plan should be, but would be interested in what you have formulated.

 

still working on that... I want it to be worked out with BH and he isn't ready to have that conversation yet.

[deadsoul]

Question....

 

my feelings for BH are all over the place. I'm not really ready to elaborate on them yet, but I'm just going through so many emotions. I hope that doesn't sound too vague. But is this normal? Is this part of coming out of the fog? He said some things to me that I'm not comfortable sharing here, but it really affected me (nothing mean. Just some hard truths) and I'm scared that it may hinder my part if we decide to R.

 

Ugh. I sound so vague and I'm sorry. I think the shock of what I've confessed is starting to wear off? I don't know.

 

I'm worried about my kids...

 

I'm just sad.

 

The whys of why I did what I did might break me and H for good. I don't want to lie. But the truth is going to really hurt. And he's going to ask.

Edited February 15, 2017 by deadsoul

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul

 

And what is the plan if you run into him. And what is the plan to avoid that????

I know what the plan should be, but would be interested in what you have formulated.

 

It won't let me edit this... but my current plan is to ignore and run like hell the other direction. Though there's a part of me that wants to call him a cowardly pathetic douche first, but that's not going to help anything.

[Friskyone4u]

Question....

 

my feelings for BH are all over the place. I'm not really ready to elaborate on them yet, but I'm just going through so many emotions. I hope that doesn't sound too vague. But is this normal? Is this part of coming out of the fog? He said some things to me that I'm not comfortable sharing here, but it really affected me (nothing mean. Just some hard truths) and I'm scared that it may hinder my part if we decide to R.

 

Ugh. I sound so vague and I'm sorry. I think the shock of what I've confessed is starting to wear off? I don't know.

 

I'm worried about my kids...

 

I'm just sad.

 

The whys of why I did what I did might break me and H for good. I don't want to lie. But the truth is going to really hurt. And he's going to ask.

 

Dead soul,

 

You are making a big mistake if you hold back and try to control the outcome by not telling the "why's" that you think you know because you want to "protect" him.

 

As far as your "plan" if you ruin into OM. You better figure that one out quick and to give you a hint I hope for your sake that plan does NOT involve any kind of "closure" meeting. Your rule should be to pretend your husband is seeing the entire situation and if you really want to R you better know what to do.

 

And part of that plan, however painful for you, should include losing your social circle if it is inevitable for you to run into OM like you say. That would go a hell of a long way towards giving your BH some reason to trust you than wondering every time you went out with "friends" if OM was going to be around.

[Cephalopod]

The whys of why I did what I did might break me and H for good. I don't want to lie. But the truth is going to really hurt. And he's going to ask.

 

Is he asking you about the sex? Whether you did things with the OM that you never did or would do with him. Was the OM better in bed, more well endowed, and on and on....?

 

If so, it is what every BH goes through, because much of a man's self-worth is tied in to whether or not he can sexually please his wife...and....do it well enough that she would never look to any other man for sexual satisfaction.

 

All you can do is be up-front, honest and factual. Leave the reasons and the feelings and the emotions out of it. Then you just have to let the truth take its course. You cannot control the outcome.

[deadsoul]

Dead soul,

 

You are making a big mistake if you hold back and try to control the outcome by not telling the "why's" that you think you know because you want to "protect" him.

 

As far as your "plan" if you ruin into OM. You better figure that one out quick and to give you a hint I hope for your sake that plan does NOT involve any kind of "closure" meeting. Your rule should be to pretend your husband is seeing the entire situation and if you really want to R you better know what to do.

 

And part of that plan, however painful for you, should include losing your social circle if it is inevitable for you to run into OM like you say. That would go a hell of a long way towards giving your BH some reason to trust you than wondering every time you went out with "friends" if OM was going to be around.

 

No. I'm done lying. But I'm scared the truth will break us even more. But I will tell the truth.

 

so the ignore/run like hell plan is not a good one? ;-) Sorry. Not trying to be funny... I'm just picturing myself running like a little chicken.

 

I've already separated myself from the social circle that includes him. It's hard because I have some good friends in that circle, but I have to do this.