I confessed

[deadsoul]

Is he asking you about the sex? Whether you did things with the OM that you never did or would do with him. Was the OM better in bed, more well endowed, and on and on....?

 

If so, it is what every BH goes through, because much of a man's self-worth is tied in to whether or not he can sexually please his wife...and....do it well enough that she would never look to any other man for sexual satisfaction.

 

All you can do is be up-front, honest and factual. Leave the reasons and the feelings and the emotions out of it. Then you just have to let the truth take its course. You cannot control the outcome.

 

up-front, honest and factual. That's my plan... I've told him when he's ready to ask the questions, he will get the truth. He said he's not ready to ask them. But that could change at any time and I know that.

[Birdies]

Question....

 

my feelings for BH are all over the place. I'm not really ready to elaborate on them yet, but I'm just going through so many emotions. I hope that doesn't sound too vague. But is this normal? Is this part of coming out of the fog? He said some things to me that I'm not comfortable sharing here, but it really affected me (nothing mean. Just some hard truths) and I'm scared that it may hinder my part if we decide to R.

 

Ugh. I sound so vague and I'm sorry. I think the shock of what I've confessed is starting to wear off? I don't know.

 

I'm worried about my kids...

 

I'm just sad.

 

The whys of why I did what I did might break me and H for good. I don't want to lie. But the truth is going to really hurt. And he's going to ask.

 

Hard to know how to respond since this post is pretty vague. But yes, I think feeling numb and/or a mix of emotions is normal. The collision of your pretend world and your real world is a big metaphorical nuclear bomb going off and it's disorienting. On top of that, you're having to dig deep and address the root cause of what you did. And if you're like me, you're getting a lot of conflicting stuff from your husband... grief, sorrow, clinging to you, hating you, verbal abuse, disgust, anger, hard questions, empathy for how sucky this all is... that is disorienting as well. And your own emotions are all over the place... you can't lose him, but do you really love him, is this all going to be too much work, how can you live without him, etc.

 

This isn't a very helpful post but I just wanted to say that I can relate and send a virtual hug.

 

As for talking to your husband, I agree that all you can do is just be honest with him, and with yourself. Don't shy away from the hard stuff, that's how this happened in the first place. Have you gotten into counseling yet? That can really help you as you work through all of this.

[Marc878]

Question....

 

my feelings for BH are all over the place. I'm not really ready to elaborate on them yet, but I'm just going through so many emotions. I hope that doesn't sound too vague. But is this normal? Is this part of coming out of the fog? He said some things to me that I'm not comfortable sharing here, but it really affected me (nothing mean. Just some hard truths) and I'm scared that it may hinder my part if we decide to R.

 

Ugh. I sound so vague and I'm sorry. I think the shock of what I've confessed is starting to wear off? I don't know.

 

I'm worried about my kids...

 

I'm just sad.

 

The whys of why I did what I did might break me and H for good. I don't want to lie. But the truth is going to really hurt. And he's going to ask.

 

Do yourself a favor. Compare his words to your actions.

 

If you were in his shoes what would you think/do?

[Owl6118]

He said some things to me that I'm not comfortable sharing here, but it really affected me (nothing mean. Just some hard truths) and I'm scared that it may hinder my part if we decide to R.

 

So... to paraphrase... you worry that you may not be able to forgive him or reattach to him if he continues to dwell on and look squarely at and vocalize hard but true things about you?

 

Well, it's not uncommon. Sometimes empathy diminishes further rather than returns in the end. It would be very, very sad if that were the case, but its not unheard of. In essence, the affair becomes an exit affair after all in the final working out.

 

 

The whys of why I did what I did might break me and H for good. I don't want to lie. But the truth is going to really hurt. And he's going to ask.

 

It might. That's a common outcome. But if so, the breaking was done when the choices were made and the actions taken. That is when the bullet took flight, no matter how long it spent on its trajectory.

[QuietDan]

Deadsoul

The type of questions your husband may be asking, or ready to ask, or hinting at..

I am going to go out on a bit of a limb here.

Some of the marriage relationship recovery affair experts cover a topic that is a little bit hard to find and a bit complicated. It covers an unintended unanticipated problem that some woman find out the hard way when they have and sexual affair sometimes. Some woman discuss how they had a great satisfying sexual relationship with their husbands before an affair.

Then during the affair, they ended up losing there desire and no longer enjoy sex with their husbands. Even the aspect of the physical sexual pleasure that once was there disappears.

From what I have read, after all, I am not a woman...

During the process of recovery, their desire, passion, and sense of physical pleasure will often return.

However, I am given to understand that this is not a quick process,

It can take as long as a year or two before gets back to the point it was before the affair happens....

Now... I am just speculating of course...

However.... if this is a topic that your husband is concerned with....

Hopefully some of the wayward woman who have been through this will provide some insight whether or not this is really true, what their experience was regarding this sensitive subject, and what you might need to be prepared for regarding this topic....

I don't know... just thinking.... I know this can be a stumbling stone....

and....if both of you are willing to work on it... if there is an issue in this area... it sounds like there might be some hope....

[aliveagain]

If you want to earn some trust points, do as I suggested earlier, have a complete written timeline of your affair that lists everything relating to your infidelity, seal it in a brown envelope and give it to him. Have him ask his questions, your answers will match what's in the brown envelope and he can read as much as he can bear.

[BluesPower]

DeadSoul...

 

I know that you are having trouble deciding what to post and some of it is too hard to post.

 

Still, I applaud you for what you have done confessing to your affair. As hard as it was it was the right thing to do. And the courage that it took to confess is not something everyone can do. It may break up your marriage but you still did the right thing.

 

I am going to guess some of the issues that you may be having and things that when you tell the truth are going to tear your husband apart. If you want to say yes/no about any of them or not that is fine.

 

1) You are still not sexually attracted to your husband. Your not sure why but you have not been able to get there.

 

2) The sex that you had with the OM was the best sex you have had in your life, and far better than it ever was with your husband.

 

3) Your OM was bigger.

 

4) You OM lasted longer.

 

5) Your OM was overall better in bed than your husband ever was.

 

6) You were sexually attracted to your OM more than you ever were to your husband.

 

7) Your OM made you climax more than your husband ever could.

 

8) You performed sexual acts with your OM that you never have and even denied with your husband.

 

If most of these are true, I won't lie, your husband is really going to have a hard time with it.

 

But, you are doing the right thing.

[understand50]

Deadsoul,

 

I have stated that the one thing that is hardest for a WS, is realizing that they are not in control at this point. They need to wait for their spouse to decide, on reconciliation, and now in your case, how much information they need and want.

 

If I was your husband, I would want everything, the good the bad and the ugly. I would want this, because I would need to know what I was forgiving. This is me. I think though we make this into a binary situation. I am sure the the sex with the AP was fine, maybe even great, but I am also sure that your sex life at some point was good with your husband. If nothing more, you had forbidden sex with another man inside your marriage, and that must have been a high in itself, even if the "real" sex was mundane. Be open, honest, and see how he is taking the details, try and lessen the impact but always come sown on the side of being honest and giving him what he needs to heal.

 

I have admired your courage in all this. Don't let it fail you now. Your only path forward is to be open and honest. Keep what you need to to yourself from LS. Your story and struggle is not some entertainment for us. Share what you think you need to.

 

I wish you luck.....

[harrybrown]

Your H needs to hear the ugly truth.

 

So tell him.

 

but remember, how would you feel if he had an A? You would want to know.

 

Do tell him why! and if you do not love him, let him know and give him a reasonable D.

 

At least do that much for him.

 

Good luck to you, your family, and your H. with his pain. I hope he finds a way back for his self esteem.

 

 

Wish you had filed for D from him before your A and saved him some pain.

 

Your OM is not the wonderful person that you ever thought. And you are not the only one that he is fooling around with.

[QuietDan]

Sometimes if the betrayed is not interested in the details, or getting around to asking questions, it may that it was on fact a deal breaker. They are in the process of detachment and the details don't matter because they are reaching a point that they don't care to really emotionally reinvest themselves into the relationship.

[BeholdtheMan]

Worse thing you can do it confess.

 

This is detestable and cowardly advice, trying to spin self-serving deceit as selfless courage.

 

People have the right to know the truth

[Cephalopod]

Sometimes if the betrayed is not interested in the details, or getting around to asking questions, it may that it was on fact a deal breaker. They are in the process of detachment and the details don't matter because they are reaching a point that they don't care to really emotionally reinvest themselves into the relationship.

 

This is quite true.

 

I had no interest whatsoever in hearing the lurid details of my serial cheating exWW's various sexual exploits with other men. She was a vile creature and I kicked her to the curb. I didn't need the weight of all that shameful stuff pulling me down for the rest of my life.

[Mrs. John Adams]

He will ask you what he needs to know... stay the course

[understand50]

Again, it is up to Deadsoul's husband to decide what he wants, and for her to provide, in the most humane way possible the information. This is not hard, in that knowing what is right really never is, it is hard because of the stakes involved and the the hurt and pain. Deadsoul has shown courage and real understanding of what she has done, and the consequences to her and her family. Seeing all that make this hard, but I think in the end she know that doing the right thing, letting her BS have what he needs is best.

 

So... I wish her luck.

[deadsoul]

So... to paraphrase... you worry that you may not be able to forgive him or reattach to him if he continues to dwell on and look squarely at and vocalize hard but true things about you?

 

Well, it's not uncommon. Sometimes empathy diminishes further rather than returns in the end. It would be very, very sad if that were the case, but its not unheard of. In essence, the affair becomes an exit affair after all in the final working out.

 

 

 

 

It might. That's a common outcome. But if so, the breaking was done when the choices were made and the actions taken. That is when the bullet took flight, no matter how long it spent on its trajectory.

 

No no, he is saying truths... They aren't things I need to forgive him for. They are things that put out in the cold light of day may hinder R.

[deadsoul]

Again, it is up to Deadsoul's husband to decide what he wants, and for her to provide, in the most humane way possible the information. This is not hard, in that knowing what is right really never is, it is hard because of the stakes involved and the the hurt and pain. Deadsoul has shown courage and real understanding of what she has done, and the consequences to her and her family. Seeing all that make this hard, but I think in the end she know that doing the right thing, letting her BS have what he needs is best.

 

So... I wish her luck.

 

Thank you for this... I finally got the insurance crap sorted through and I am setting up MC today. Hopefully we will get an appointment soon.

[deadsoul]

Your H needs to hear the ugly truth.

 

So tell him.

 

but remember, how would you feel if he had an A? You would want to know.

 

Do tell him why! and if you do not love him, let him know and give him a reasonable D.

 

At least do that much for him.

 

Good luck to you, your family, and your H. with his pain. I hope he finds a way back for his self esteem.

 

 

Wish you had filed for D from him before your A and saved him some pain.

Your OM is not the wonderful person that you ever thought. And you are not the only one that he is fooling around with.

 

I do too...

 

 

 

I do love him. But those words feel so empty right now after my actions. A voice in my head says, "If you loved him, you wouldn't have done what you did..."

[Southern Sun]

Question....

 

my feelings for BH are all over the place. I'm not really ready to elaborate on them yet, but I'm just going through so many emotions. I hope that doesn't sound too vague. But is this normal? Is this part of coming out of the fog? He said some things to me that I'm not comfortable sharing here, but it really affected me (nothing mean. Just some hard truths) and I'm scared that it may hinder my part if we decide to R.

 

Ugh. I sound so vague and I'm sorry. I think the shock of what I've confessed is starting to wear off? I don't know.

 

I'm worried about my kids...

 

I'm just sad.

 

The whys of why I did what I did might break me and H for good. I don't want to lie. But the truth is going to really hurt. And he's going to ask.

 

deadsoul...I've been where you are.

 

I "semi" confessed at my first D-Day (he asked with some suspicion, I spilled). I forced my second D-Day by actually confessing. Yes, I went back for more.

 

I can kind of surmise what you are meaning in this post. I assume your H is saying things that are painful for you to hear, that you're not sure you can deal with going forward. As well, you are confronting your own feelings about your BH...do you REALLY want to be married? If you did, why in the world did you do this in the first place??

 

My suggestion...if you are given the opportunity to stick around, or even simply not divorce (even if he wants to physically separate), it would be best if you can not make major life decisions right now. You are in shock and still probably very confused about your feelings. You are doing some mental gymnastics too. I think women, more than men, have a need to justify why in the world they did such a "despicable" thing, when they believe they are generally good people. We begin to believe we must not love our husbands that much. We must deep down want something different. We can never feel what we WANT to feel about them. I'm not saying it isn't the case. Sometimes it is. But sometimes, we just did some selfish sh ! t, got sideways, and our feelings are a RESULT of our behavior and not the cause of it.

 

I am a couple months shy of a year of my second D-Day. We are really JUST NOW starting to feel human again. I don't say that to discourage you. We've had plenty of good times in between. But it does take a lot of patience and sometimes pure white-knuckling to get through. If, that is, your H decides to allow it...and you want it as well. There have been plenty of times where I have feared that we would go through all of this pain and STILL not make it. It's been moment by moment, day by day.

 

So, if you can, just try not to make any major decisions. A lot is up to your spouse, but you aren't helpless. Perhaps you will consider hanging in if your BH is willing to. And seeing where it takes you.

[Owl6118]

TJ, with apologies to DS.

 

Southern Sun, this makes my day. I am so glad for you and this place you'very reached.

[Southern Sun]

TJ, with apologies to DS.

 

Southern Sun, this makes my day. I am so glad for you and this place you'very reached.

 

Thank you

 

I am so very grateful...and I say this to encourage deadsoul...I thought something was wrong with my marriage. I thought I must not love my BH, if I could do what I did. I had handed myself over to this OM. But with time, NC, perspective...I see what a number this did on me and my attachment to my husband. This isn't the ending for everyone, but I just hope DS that you have TIME to consider what ending - or just what is next - is best for you.

[Owl6118]

No no, he is saying truths... They aren't things I need to forgive him for. They are things that put out in the cold light of day may hinder R.

 

Yes, I was being a little hard on you, showing that you were setting the table for a pity party of one for a moment there. Our friend Southern had good advice for you for when those moments come.

[deadsoul]

deadsoul...I've been where you are.

 

I "semi" confessed at my first D-Day (he asked with some suspicion, I spilled). I forced my second D-Day by actually confessing. Yes, I went back for more.

 

I can kind of surmise what you are meaning in this post. I assume your H is saying things that are painful for you to hear, that you're not sure you can deal with going forward. As well, you are confronting your own feelings about your BH...do you REALLY want to be married? If you did, why in the world did you do this in the first place??

 

My suggestion...if you are given the opportunity to stick around, or even simply not divorce (even if he wants to physically separate), it would be best if you can not make major life decisions right now. You are in shock and still probably very confused about your feelings. You are doing some mental gymnastics too. I think women, more than men, have a need to justify why in the world they did such a "despicable" thing, when they believe they are generally good people. We begin to believe we must not love our husbands that much. We must deep down want something different. We can never feel what we WANT to feel about them. I'm not saying it isn't the case. Sometimes it is. But sometimes, we just did some selfish sh ! t, got sideways, and our feelings are a RESULT of our behavior and not the cause of it.

 

I am a couple months shy of a year of my second D-Day. We are really JUST NOW starting to feel human again. I don't say that to discourage you. We've had plenty of good times in between. But it does take a lot of patience and sometimes pure white-knuckling to get through. If, that is, your H decides to allow it...and you want it as well. There have been plenty of times where I have feared that we would go through all of this pain and STILL not make it. It's been moment by moment, day by day.

 

So, if you can, just try not to make any major decisions. A lot is up to your spouse, but you aren't helpless. Perhaps you will consider hanging in if your BH is willing to. And seeing where it takes you.

 

Thank you for this. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I've been feeling... well... everything you've said here pretty much sums it up. Thank you. I don't feel so alone and lost after reading this.

[deadsoul]

Yes, I was being a little hard on you, showing that you were setting the table for a pity party of one for a moment there. Our friend Southern had good advice for you for when those moments come.

 

haha. I know there is no pity allowed here. And thank you. I value your comments so I take them all.

[deadsoul]

Thank you

 

I am so very grateful...and I say this to encourage deadsoul...I thought something was wrong with my marriage. I thought I must not love my BH, if I could do what I did. I had handed myself over to this OM. But with time, NC, perspective...I see what a number this did on me and my attachment to my husband. This isn't the ending for everyone, but I just hope DS that you have TIME to consider what ending - or just what is next - is best for you.

 

This. Exactly!!!

I hope I do too. So far BH seems to be giving it to me.

[Owl6118]

Lots of empathy, but no, not much pity. It doesn't help you get to where you are again who you deserve to be, and your family deserves you to be.