I confessed

[Southern Sun]

This. Exactly!!!

I hope I do too. So far BH seems to be giving it to me.

 

Some people do genuinely enter affairs with no love left for their spouses. Their marriages are dead...but typically, they know it. There is resentment, contempt, and they say, to heck with it. I "deserve" to feel loved. (Still really poor logic, but it happens).

 

But I knew (even at the height of my confusion) that I wasn't done with my marriage when I started the affair. Absolutely not. I even told my xAP that my M was good! You must have known that to some extent as well. You didn't leave your H, did you? You called him a FWB. You tried to keep emotions separate.

 

Looking back, we were on auto-pilot. We had some long-standing issues we were avoiding. Things had gotten a little stale, a little boring. And there were those certain things that we both did that sort of drove the other one a little nuts.

 

But...are those marriage-enders? When otherwise you are great friends and partners and love each other and have wonderful kids and family and...?

 

I DID struggle for a time. What if we had outgrown each other? What if I had just changed? What if what I wanted in a man was different now? What if I couldn't be what HE wanted? What if we could never live up to each other's expectations???

 

Much of it I believe was fatalistic thinking in the midst of terrible pain. I was also comparing him unfairly to a man who never had to live up to ANY expectations. To a man who didn't mind breaking up my marriage. What kind of man was that anyway?

 

I really couldn't see the forest for the trees. Time. Give it time.

[harrybrown]

agree.

 

your OM is not the fantastic person you ever thought he was.

 

He is a fake, and not real. A figment of your fantasies.

 

A real good man does not cheat with a married woman. (unless he is married to her)

 

Hope your H will read some on affair recovery .com. Also hope his self esteem improves and his pain is lessened.

Edited February 18, 2017 by harrybrown
edit

[Friskyone4u]

Dead soul,

 

Looks like BH has still not made any firm decisions if you have him going to MC.I am telling you this is where you need to be careful. The LAST thing he probably needs to hear right now from some therapist is to just move on and to determine what was wrong that enabled you to do this.

 

I suggest you immediately write TWO timelines. The first one is "R" rated, with the facts of how and when it started, your feelings, your "justifications", and the TRUTH that you did not end it, OM did and does not know you will not sleep with him again. The second one is the "X" rated version, including all the sordid details, sex acts if they are something you have not done with husband, the lies you told to be alone with OM< and anything else you remember. NOTHING held back.

 

If percentages hold, at some point he is going to ask for something. The worst answer you can give is "I can't remember".

 

Right now, he probably feels like if he asks any questions he will get lied to no matter what you say, and/or that if he finds out any more it will be totally over, but at times that changes. Having it is writing makes it more believable because you cannot then go back and change what you said.

 

I am still afraid that you are sitting on a time bomb because your former OM has no clue that you are not still available. Your R if it happens, can get blown out of the water by a wrong reaction when he comnes "fishing" again. Remember, one wrong move on your part and it becomes another D Day and it all starts all over.

 

One more suggestion to you. As long as your girlfriends do not know and accept that you do not want to be in a position to be around OM, you are in danger of however innocently being physically in proximity to OM. You need to drive and not be drunk anytime you go out socially. I do not think hubby will accept that you had no way to leave.

 

And lastly, you indicated in some sense you were "pining" for OM. If that is not starting to dissipate you have some real more serious problems.

[Southern Sun]

And lastly, you indicated in some sense you were "pining" for OM. If that is not starting to dissipate you have some real more serious problems.

 

I disagree, and this is a scary thing to tell her.

 

While those feelings are very unwelcome and no BS wants to hear that they exist, they are normal. Unfortunately. Please do not listen to this. Just because they are there does not mean something is wrong with you or that your love for your husband won't come back. You've developed an unhealthy attachment to your OM. It takes time and NC to dissolve it, more time than you think. That doesn't mean your BH will be okay with this...but I'm telling you so you don't think something is wrong with you or that an effort to reconcile is pointless.

[Life lessons]

To be honest, unfortunately, as much as I'd give anything to steer someone away from making these choices, I think about where I was and if I honestly ask myself if I would've listened, I probably wouldn't have. But if I could go back in time, I know the exact day I would go back to and I would make a different choice.

 

What I would hope is that if someone is at the crossroads, that they please, please, please talk to their significant other or a close friend who will help set him/her straight. But chances are, once you are on a destructive path, you continue until you hit bottom.

 

I agree with this! It always feels different when you're the one doing it. Whether it's denial of being caught or knowing or rather thinking you can end the A whenever. Although that's so much more difficult than one thinks. I always read all these posts that state it's the worst mistake ever yet it's still hard to escape it. I know I would lose it if I lost my husband of 15 years. It's like people want their cake and to eat it. Guess it is that way in all honesty. People aren't going to listen unless they are ready to listen. It's hard when someone tells you things and they don't really know because they're not in the A.

[Life lessons]

I haven't read this entire thread yet but do you know why the single partner ghosted you?? Did you know or think it was gonna happen? Any feelings that he was that kind of person?

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

I asked you earlier if you had read some threads and you responded you had and some hit home and dropped the subject. The real question in asking what I did was the "why they struck home". I had hoped you would share the "why" and how it applied. I understand a sense of loyalty to your spouse not to share some thoughts. Actually I questioned HeCantBreakMe very closely on the subject as the lack of response from her caused me to believe she was rugsweeping. A concern fully warranted as she went back to her AP for several months. Her answer was very honest and reassuring and I respect her dedication in maintaining her position.

 

Please read the threads by Southern sun http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/384043-southern-sun/ and AlieD

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/443983-ailed/

 

AlieD is actually a BW. I am simply amazed at her shear will power to save her marriage. You might find strength in her threads to stay strong in not letting go. Also DKT3 threads and his wife's http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/356879-dkt3/. He actually divorced for several years, had several reiationships and remarried. AlieD and DKT3 will illustrate the need for endurance.

 

Finally what literature have you read? What have you found that you are using? I would suggest 5LoveLanguages be included. A quick search will bring their web site with a very good profile page. If it hits home buy the book.

 

Finally you need to actually explore these threads and others and either post on them or better yet post these thoughts here and share what insights you ave gained and questioned how to use these new insights in your marriage.

 

Hang in there, keep posting when you get access to PM you will be able to contact posters who have shared or hinted at similar issues in their marriage directly in a more open and frank manner. I have never seen a PM broken on this board although caution is always needed. Especially with opposite sex posters. I recall one board where a woman was manipulated into becoming divorced OW.

[Jersey born raised]

While this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/613944-post-natal-depression has nothing to do with your situation see Alchemy response to Downtown (post 13) it shows exactly to type of response I hope you give.

[deadsoul]

I haven't read this entire thread yet but do you know why the single partner ghosted you?? Did you know or think it was gonna happen? Any feelings that he was that kind of person?

 

Nope. Don't know why, except that he's a weak coward, didn't think that would happen and to be honest, he isn't my concern anymore.

[deadsoul]

Hi,

 

I asked you earlier if you had read some threads and you responded you had and some hit home and dropped the subject. The real question in asking what I did was the "why they struck home". I had hoped you would share the "why" and how it applied. I understand a sense of loyalty to your spouse not to share some thoughts. Actually I questioned HeCantBreakMe very closely on the subject as the lack of response from her caused me to believe she was rugsweeping. A concern fully warranted as she went back to her AP for several months. Her answer was very honest and reassuring and I respect her dedication in maintaining her position.

 

Please read the threads by Southern sun http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/384043-southern-sun/ and AlieD

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/443983-ailed/

 

AlieD is actually a BW. I am simply amazed at her shear will power to save her marriage. You might find strength in her threads to stay strong in not letting go. Also DKT3 threads and his wife's http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/356879-dkt3/. He actually divorced for several years, had several reiationships and remarried. AlieD and DKT3 will illustrate the need for endurance.

 

Finally what literature have you read? What have you found that you are using? I would suggest 5LoveLanguages be included. A quick search will bring their web site with a very good profile page. If it hits home buy the book.

 

Finally you need to actually explore these threads and others and either post on them or better yet post these thoughts here and share what insights you ave gained and questioned how to use these new insights in your marriage.

 

Hang in there, keep posting when you get access to PM you will be able to contact posters who have shared or hinted at similar issues in their marriage directly in a more open and frank manner. I have never seen a PM broken on this board although caution is always needed. Especially with opposite sex posters. I recall one board where a woman was manipulated into becoming divorced OW.

 

I apologize for not answering more in depth. I promise, I think about everything that is read here and I often answer these types of questions in my journal. But if I feel they are too personal to share here, I don't. I know that's seen as rug sweeping, but trust me, I internalize everything I've read on this thread. I come back and read it multiple times because I'm finding different posts affect me differently, depending on where I'm at. I'm not sure that's the answer you're looking for? A lot of you have pushed me way beyond my comfort level... and that's not a bad thing. It's why I'm here. I'm definitely a work in progress and I notice if I get off track at all, one of you comes along and pushes me right back on it and I need that. Anyway, I will think about your questions some more and try to answer them if I can.

 

I have one I'm really grappling with right now that's been asked on this thread numerous times and I just can't post my answer here because I'm still trying to figure it out myself. But it's a big one. I plan to work on it in IC and MC though because I feel like it will make or break us if I don't figure out the answer or some sort of resolution. And I'm not going to lie, I want to run like hell rather than answer it. But I know I have to do the hard work and I'm not backing down now.

[deadsoul]

Some people do genuinely enter affairs with no love left for their spouses. Their marriages are dead...but typically, they know it. There is resentment, contempt, and they say, to heck with it. I "deserve" to feel loved. (Still really poor logic, but it happens).

 

But I knew (even at the height of my confusion) that I wasn't done with my marriage when I started the affair. Absolutely not. I even told my xAP that my M was good! You must have known that to some extent as well. You didn't leave your H, did you? You called him a FWB. You tried to keep emotions separate.

 

Looking back, we were on auto-pilot. We had some long-standing issues we were avoiding. Things had gotten a little stale, a little boring. And there were those certain things that we both did that sort of drove the other one a little nuts.

 

But...are those marriage-enders? When otherwise you are great friends and partners and love each other and have wonderful kids and family and...?

 

I DID struggle for a time. What if we had outgrown each other? What if I had just changed? What if what I wanted in a man was different now? What if I couldn't be what HE wanted? What if we could never live up to each other's expectations???

 

Much of it I believe was fatalistic thinking in the midst of terrible pain. I was also comparing him unfairly to a man who never had to live up to ANY expectations. To a man who didn't mind breaking up my marriage. What kind of man was that anyway?

 

I really couldn't see the forest for the trees. Time. Give it time.

 

All of this. Thank you. I keep coming back to your posts. And I read your story awhile back. Actually I think I've read it a few times because it really affected me. But I need to do it again post Dday. I've found that has really changed my perspective and I'm ready to "hear" things I wasn't ready for before.

 

Thank you again for taking the time to post these things. It really helps me a lot and I appreciate it. You've gone through it and you understand.

[Marc878]

What's the status on H and the kids? Like we said you're still there and this is far from over.

[deadsoul]

I disagree, and this is a scary thing to tell her.

 

While those feelings are very unwelcome and no BS wants to hear that they exist, they are normal. Unfortunately. Please do not listen to this. Just because they are there does not mean something is wrong with you or that your love for your husband won't come back. You've developed an unhealthy attachment to your OM. It takes time and NC to dissolve it, more time than you think. That doesn't mean your BH will be okay with this...but I'm telling you so you don't think something is wrong with you or that an effort to reconcile is pointless.

 

Thank you for this. I do feel the attachment dissolving. I'm finding I don't miss HIM. I miss the feelings and excitement. But not him. I have felt something is wrong with me for feeling this, but the more time in NC, the more I see OM for what he really was and what he represented.

[deadsoul]

What's the status on H and the kids? Like we said you're still there and this is far from over.

 

Bh and I are starting to talk more. Had a great talk tonight, in fact. He asked me some really tough questions, ones that had been asked here. And I was ready for them. I answered honestly. And ones I'm still grappling with, I told him that too, but that I would give him the answers once I had them. I told him my thinking though to let him know I wasn't evading, just am still working on it myself. I'm watching the kids close... one is still upset with me but talking to me.

 

It's going to be a long road (understatement). He told me he's not sure he can get past it, that he is extremely angry. I said I understood, that I'm not so sure I'd be able to get past it either if the shoe was on the other foot. I said I was going to fight for us and he appreciated that.

[Marc878]

If you haven't figured this out yet the fantasy of an affair can never be matched in a marriage.

 

Why? In an affair it's forbidden fruit which is high end excitement. It only occurs in short periods of time so it's all pleasurable and good. No kids or bill paying, housework, etc. it's just pleasure time. The electricity around that is like sex on steroids. Even if the sex is just ok it seems to be more because of the circumstances. Although the affair can't last long in most cases the menories do.

That's why even though it's real at the time it's still only a fantasy. Reality comes sooner or later.

 

That's why most affairs never turn into anything more as the fantasy turns into reality it dies.

 

Those memories that you have will be there forever and on the opposite side they'll also be there with your H.

 

Now you see why affairs are so destructive and it's the gift that keeps on giving.

 

It's important that both you and your H know how much time and effort go into an R with no guarantees at the end.

 

2-5 years.

[Marc878]

Most BS are in shock upfront and hit the anger stage which is understandable. After some time your H will come to a conclusion. Is the marriage worth it? Your actions will play a part in how this goes if he's capable of R. Many aren't.

 

You will also need to dig deep. Is R possible for you?

 

As you're well aware it changes the dynamics. It will for all practical purpose have to be a new marriage. The old one is gone. You can't get that back.

 

Would H be what you're looking for now. Would you be what he'd want?

 

Saving a marriage at any cost or for the kids IMO is a bad idea.

 

You both have some time and effort to think about what path to take.

 

Do not jump into R!!!!

[deadsoul]

Most BS are in shock upfront and hit the anger stage which is understandable. After some time your H will come to a conclusion. Is the marriage worth it? Your actions will play a part in how this goes if he's capable of R. Many aren't.

 

You will also need to dig deep. Is R possible for you?

 

As you're well aware it changes the dynamics. It will for all practical purpose have to be a new marriage. The old one is gone. You can't get that back.

 

Would H be what you're looking for now. Would you be what he'd want?

 

Saving a marriage at any cost or for the kids IMO is a bad idea.

 

You both have some time and effort to think about what path to take.

 

Do not jump into R!!!!

 

Time seems to be the big thing. Luckily he is in no hurry to make big changes at this point and I am not either. I want to do what's right for all of us. But you've asked some good questions... and given me more to ponder...

[Marc878]

Your H sounds level headed (no one is upfront). Talking is good. It's usually the biggest problem in a marriage. Lack of communication.

 

Most people aren't mind readers

[Marc878]

Don't forget. IMO no matter which road you all take right now no contact is imperative. Even friends that knew and hid the affair. They are enemies to your relationship. Even as much as just passing some info to you can send you into a place you can't afford to be at this time.

 

Beware!!!

[Marc878]

You're at least doing things the right way. The truth upfront if this can be salvaged will get trust back much quicker than discovery and the destructive trickle truthing, etc.

 

Is your H asking question of a general nature or details? It depends on the individual but it sounds like he's taking the time to think things through which is smart.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi DeadSoul,

 

Your answer is fine. As I posted HeCantBreakMe at one time postes the same thought as you. She stated her husband is a very private person, she had already betrayed him once with her EA/PA Limerance and would not do so again, but she is forthright about her thoughts, emotions, and actions. While many here may say REGSWEEPIMG at times it is admirable. I believe she is not rugsweeping as she is transparent at herself. Use IC first and MC later to discuss these issues.

 

One huge caution, issues are issues. Sometimes they are one sided, sometimes any where between 10% 90%. They must be addressed and the two of you learn how to discuss and fight. (No hitting below the belt or above the neck and no whereing your belt around your neck).

 

Adult is adultery which while may have created a toxic enviroment that csused you to arbitrary choose adultery, never the less has create a whole new set of issues that must be dealt with first. If the MC or IC tries to focus on issues first tell the MC in front of your husband their approach is wrong, repeat what I said and inform the MC the two of you will seek a new MC. This will clearly show your husband you are owning the adultery.

 

Now how about some of the books suggested for example "Not Just Friends" and 5 love languages can you post thought on them?

 

Have you read anything about regret and remorse?

[Jersey born raised]

This thread might help you clarify your thoughts http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

While emotions are still raw some lashing out occurs. At some point this must stop. This thread is a good example of the standard/boundaries your BS needs to be held to http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

[aliveagain]

I am glad you are talking, as long as your talking there is hope. Your husband is dealing with a lot, the love pair that was him and you has been infected and you are the cause of the contamination, you brought a O/M into your lives. One of his first feelings will be the feeling of hopelessness, his views of your future together has been permanently thwarted, he's now walking alone. When you enacted your adulterous impulse you violated his(all men do this) rules of possession with unfortunate results. One of these unfortunate results is the damage to his masculinity, he has suffered a defeat to the other man and in his own sanctuary.

 

The only way for you to overcome this is to make him feel that he has triumphed over his rival. He needs to reclaim his territorial rights over the challenger male. This is why I brought up getting rid of anything in your home that may trigger him. Men are concerned about sex, we count the number of times you had sex with O/M during your affair. We want to know how good the O/M was. One of the big mistakes we men make is we target the rival for all our hatred. We do this so we can preserve our feelings for our spouses as crazy as that sounds. He needs to know that other man was never better then him, love can't be forced, it's a feeling and a choice and you chose your husband. Even though the affair was over when you confessed it to your husband, he still triumphed because of your choice.

[deadsoul]

You're at least doing things the right way. The truth upfront if this can be salvaged will get trust back much quicker than discovery and the destructive trickle truthing, etc.

 

Is your H asking question of a general nature or details? It depends on the individual but it sounds like he's taking the time to think things through which is smart.

 

He doesn't want details about the A at this point. He's only asked me a couple things and I answered truthfully.

 

He's trying to get past his anger and hurt. I've told him I'm not sure how he can forgive me when I can't even forgive myself. And we've talked about that we may not be able to get past it, but we both want to try.

[MidnightBlue1980]

He doesn't want details about the A at this point. He's only asked me a couple things and I answered truthfully.

 

He's trying to get past his anger and hurt. I've told him I'm not sure how he can forgive me when I can't even forgive myself. And we've talked about that we may not be able to get past it, but we both want to try.

 

He will want to know everything. Mine did. Every Single Thing. But mine then got past it all.

 

You are going to have to give a lot of blow jobs though. Like a few a week. Can I say that here? Too graphic? TMI?

 

Men are very possessive creatures. It's a big thing to them. I don't really get it but it seems to really help things. Give it a try.