I confessed

[deadsoul]

He will want to know everything. Mine did. Every Single Thing. But mine then got past it all.

 

You are going to have to give a lot of blow jobs though. Like a few a week. Can I say that here? Too graphic? TMI?

 

Men are very possessive creatures. It's a big thing to them. I don't really get it but it seems to really help things. Give it a try.

 

Ha ha. Not TMI.

 

My BH is not the possessive type. Not even a little bit.

 

It's kind of strange, really. Because I'm extremely possessive. In fact, that's one of my fears: I think he has a girl hitting on him and it would be so easy to have a revenge A and frankly, I would deserve it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ha ha. Not TMI.

 

My BH is not the possessive type. Not even a little bit.

 

It's kind of strange, really. Because I'm extremely possessive. In fact, that's one of my fears: I think he has a girl hitting on him and it would be so easy to have a revenge A and frankly, I would deserve it.

 

My H had an affair at the same time as me. So you never know. Pain sandwiches all around.

[deadsoul]

My H had an affair at the same time as me. So you never know. Pain sandwiches all around.

 

Yeah, I've been reading about it. And it makes sense. And he's in a place where it'd be really easy to "get back at me." Especially when there's a willing girl like I think there is.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yeah, I've been reading about it. And it makes sense. And he's in a place where it'd be really easy to "get back at me." Especially when there's a willing girl like I think there is.

 

There is always a willing girl. Especially because my H fed her a bunch of how his wife was distant and then eventually, cheating on him. She wanted to save him. He had no intention of leaving.

 

These men are all the same. It's scary to see it from the other side. He told her he loved her too.

 

He was over it in 2 weeks. He would tell you, 'she knew I was married. What did she expect?'

 

I actually called her up and told her the truth.

 

That was weird.

[Marc878]

I hope he doesn't go down that road. It doesn't help and just makes things worse.

 

However, there are a lot of willing women and he's in a vulnerable time.

 

A good MC as fast as you can

[Marc878]

The thing is If he starts crying on their shoulder it swiftly swings into an EA. If they have contact etc it's a PA quickly. However, at this time sex probably isn't on his kind much.

[DKT3]

Yeah, I've been reading about it. And it makes sense. And he's in a place where it'd be really easy to "get back at me." Especially when there's a willing girl like I think there is.

 

Getting attention from other women at this point isn't to get back or even. Should he do it, he may say it is, may even believe it. It's much more complicated than that. It's a way for him to recapture what was lost, self esteem, ego, feeling desired. This things are emasculating, accepting back the woman that did it is hard, you feel weak, self hatred.

 

Then another woman enters the picture, honestly, your cheating wife isn't at the top of your lists of concerns, so if he gets involved it's will have very little to do with you, but the situation you put him in.

[Marc878]

Excellent analogy

[QuietDan]

Ha ha. Not TMI.

 

My BH is not the possessive type. Not even a little bit.

 

It's kind of strange, really. Because I'm extremely possessive. In fact, that's one of my fears: I think he has a girl hitting on him and it would be so easy to have a revenge A and frankly, I would deserve it.

 

Sigh... beware of projecting... you may be right...but... one of the... self induced injuries to self that some wayward experience is projecting.... some waywards... even when married to a very loyal forgiving spouses... who they... intellectually know are probable not cheating... find themselves in a constant state of fear, suspicion, and a general degree of paranoid fear that the hurt betrayed loyal spouse will in turn cheat on the wayward. Now, maybe you in fact may be justified in your concerns... however, this is something to aware of and on guard about. You may in fact need to learn to monitor and manage your fears in this area.

Ten years since.... I struggle to manage these fears at times... So... just a friendly heads up... you may need to get enlightened on this subject.

[Owl6118]

Ha ha. Not TMI.

 

My BH is not the possessive type. Not even a little bit.

 

Trauma has a way of changing people. The past may not be a reliable guide to future attitudes and behavior. More possessive, a sense or atavistic, really primal violation and desire to retake, these are common changes.

 

Meet him where he is, and be humble about what you think you know. After all you knew yourself a lot less well than you think you did, right?

 

But that said Dan's point about revenge affairs and projecting is a good one. I would await clear evidence before indulging that fear too much. It happens, but it's not common and not where your energy is best invested unless it has to be.

[Marc878]

He doesn't want details about the A at this point. He's only asked me a couple things and I answered truthfully.

 

He's trying to get past his anger and hurt. I've told him I'm not sure how he can forgive me when I can't even forgive myself. And we've talked about that we may not be able to get past it, but we both want to try.

 

Nice way to put this. You did well here. No matter what happens

[Cephalopod]

I've told him I'm not sure how he can forgive me when I can't even forgive myself.

 

This is manipulation.

 

If want a divorce get a divorce. Quit trying to get him to do it so that he can be the bad guy.

[Cephalopod]

Ha ha. Not TMI.

 

My BH is not the possessive type. Not even a little bit.

 

It's kind of strange, really. Because I'm extremely possessive. In fact, that's one of my fears: I think he has a girl hitting on him and it would be so easy to have a revenge A and frankly, I would deserve it.

 

No one deserves to be cheated on. You need to get out of this mindset. An affair is never warranted for any reason.

[Cephalopod]

There is always a willing girl. Especially because my H fed her a bunch of how his wife was distant and then eventually, cheating on him. She wanted to save him. He had no intention of leaving.

 

These men are all the same. It's scary to see it from the other side. He told her he loved her too.

 

He was over it in 2 weeks. He would tell you, 'she knew I was married. What did she expect?'

 

I actually called her up and told her the truth.

 

That was weird.

 

Broad generalization. There are both men and women out there who live with integrity and who do not stoop to revenge. Don't make her husband out to be something he's not. You don't know the man.

[Cephalopod]

Nice way to put this. You did well here. No matter what happens

 

No she didn't. She is manipulating him.

 

She has no control over when and where he forgives her or if he ever does. Her business is finding out why she has sh*t for boundaries and gave herself permission to cheat on someone she claimed to love.

[deadsoul]

This is manipulation.

 

If want a divorce get a divorce. Quit trying to get him to do it so that he can be the bad guy.

 

So telling the truth is manipulative? And the last 24 pages of this thread are all because I want a divorce and he can look like the bad guy?

 

Guess what? If I wanted a divorce, I would've said so. I would not be doing all that I can to try to save this.

 

I didn't say that to be manipulative or a martyr. It's the honest truth. It's me trying to empathize and put myself in his shoes.

[deadsoul]

No one deserves to be cheated on. You need to get out of this mindset. An affair is never warranted for any reason.

 

Saying I deserve it is a bad choice of words and makes me sound like a martyr. But I'm a big believer in karma.

 

Here's the thing: someone said it earlier that his masculinity is threatened. Here is this girl and I have evidence she is flirting with him. Why wouldn't that make him feel better? He's in a vulnerable place right now. Do I think he will respond to it? No. I trust him that he won't. At the same time, he's in a bad place and is doing some self-destructive things.

 

Even though I'm aware of it, it really can't be my focus right now. I think if I do, I'm avoiding the real issues and I need to stay focused there.

[deadsoul]

No she didn't. She is manipulating him.

 

She has no control over when and where he forgives her or if he ever does. Her business is finding out why she has sh*t for boundaries and gave herself permission to cheat on someone she claimed to love.

 

you're entitled to your opinion. I believe you are projecting your own experience on me, but I can't control that. I said what I said because I truly feel that way. However, I agree with your second paragraph. Completely.

[deadsoul]

Nice way to put this. You did well here. No matter what happens

 

I appreciate that, but it's not about "doing well" or saying the right things. It's about me being honest in ways I wasn't before. It's about me learning how to say what I feel and how to not run away and avoid facing hard truths.

[BluesPower]

DS, you know, that you will always get some people that project. He is a pretty good poster most of the time.

 

Trust me, whether you and your H make it through this or not, YOU are doing everything the right way for the right reasons. You are doing the best that you can, that is saying a lot for someone in your position.

 

If my wife had made one tenth of the effort that you are making for her affairs and her drug addiction, she would not be looking for a full time job and preparing to move out of my house.

 

If it does not work, you did all you could do after having an affair.

 

But, let me tell you some stuff about forgiveness for you and you for yourself. Some husbands are able to truly forgive their wives, but most actually just learn to live with it. And, forgiveness take a really long time, years in fact, if it happens at all.

 

You might be able to forgive yourself, with a lot of time, but most likely you too will learn to live with it as well.

 

Neither of you will ever forget what has happened. You will never forget the look in your husbands eyes when you confessed and he will never forget the day that his life changed forever.

 

But, you both can learn to live with it and over a long period of time, forgiveness may come, and it may not.

[Overtaxed]

This is manipulation.

 

If want a divorce get a divorce. Quit trying to get him to do it so that he can be the bad guy.

 

I agree; my wife, I think, was doing the same thing. Carrying on an A because she thought the "relationship was over", but, neglecting to file for D before starting said A. It's clearly manipulation, if you want a D, file; don't turn your LS into the "bad guy/girl" by forcing him/her to file by doing something awful.

[Overtaxed]

DS, you know, that you will always get some people that project. He is a pretty good poster most of the time.

 

Trust me, whether you and your H make it through this or not, YOU are doing everything the right way for the right reasons. You are doing the best that you can, that is saying a lot for someone in your position.

 

If my wife had made one tenth of the effort that you are making for her affairs and her drug addiction, she would not be looking for a full time job and preparing to move out of my house.

 

If it does not work, you did all you could do after having an affair.

 

But, let me tell you some stuff about forgiveness for you and you for yourself. Some husbands are able to truly forgive their wives, but most actually just learn to live with it. And, forgiveness take a really long time, years in fact, if it happens at all.

 

You might be able to forgive yourself, with a lot of time, but most likely you too will learn to live with it as well.

 

Neither of you will ever forget what has happened. You will never forget the look in your husbands eyes when you confessed and he will never forget the day that his life changed forever.

 

But, you both can learn to live with it and over a long period of time, forgiveness may come, and it may not.

 

Closing in on 2 months out from D-day for me, and I'd have to say, I hope you're wrong. This is all going to depend on individual situations, of course, but I can feel myself changing my view towards the A. I'm pretty confident that I'm going to be able to forgive. But, no, I'm never going to forget D-day, reading those e-mails between them for the first time, putting the timeline together, her lying to my face and me telling her to "pack up her stuff and get out". That will always be there.

 

But (and this is my reason for posting), in my eyes, I have to come to view the A as simply "another partner" that my wife had before we were married. Yes, I know that's not what it really was, but, at the end of the day, that's what it really IS right now. She slept with another man and her "count" is one higher than I knew it was before. That's the only way I can see myself getting past it, not lying to myself, but putting it into the same box I put all her other past boyfriends; "Yup, she slept with them, but she chose me".

 

For me, it's the lies that will take longer to fade. Because I never, NEVER, viewed my wife as a liar. And she is (or was), and was pretty adept at it. That's a part of her I never knew existed, and it has to be (IMHO) integrated into my viewpoint of who she is as a person. And I don't know how to do it; it's hard to take 2 totally conflicting views and put them together about a single person.

[Cephalopod]

So telling the truth is manipulative? And the last 24 pages of this thread are all because I want a divorce and he can look like the bad guy?

 

Guess what? If I wanted a divorce, I would've said so. I would not be doing all that I can to try to save this.

 

I didn't say that to be manipulative or a martyr. It's the honest truth. It's me trying to empathize and put myself in his shoes.

 

My exWW was always saying "oh I know you will never forgive me because I wouldn't forgive me if I were you..." and other pointless comments like that. She was wanting me to feel sorry for her. Just more emotional validation.

 

I got so sick of hearing that malarkey. And your husband will start getting sick of hearing it too. He wants to see your remorse put into action. He wants to see you becoming a safe person to love again.

 

Show him you are sorry. Show him through your actions and deeds. Show him that he means more to you than just some person you live with, who you tolerate and who you keep around to just help pay the bills. Talk is cheap.

Edited February 20, 2017 by Cephalopod

[HeCantBreakMe]

My exWW was always saying "oh I know you will never forgive me because I wouldn't forgive me if I were you..." and other pointless comments like that. She was wanting me to feel sorry for her. Just more emotional validation.

 

I got so sick of hearing that malarkey. And your husband will start getting sick of hearing it too. He wants to see your remorse put into action. He wants to see you becoming a safe person to love again.

 

Show him you are sorry. Show him through your actions and deeds. Show him that he means more to you than just some person you live with, who you tolerate and who you keep around to just help pay the bills. Talk is cheap.

 

I truly don't think you were being manipulative but Cephalopod has a bit of a point here. Look chances are your hubby won't forgive you for a while even if he says he does he doesn't. He probably doesn't even understand the full

Force of the emotions and all that forgiveness will entail. But when the day comes thAt he does forgive you then you let him whether you forgive you or not. You are no longer allowed to tell him what he should or shouldn't feel based on your actions you allow him to feel all of this even forgiveness it is his right. What you can do is tell him how you feel and that you don't feel worthy of his forgiveness but you want to. You tell him you are trying to figure out how to be that person who deserves him and one day you want to feel that you have eArned what he is willlng to offer you.

 

You will figure this out as you go. You won't be perfect in this but we are human and that is okay. You will make mistakes but own them and move forward . You may not have the words today but maybe you will tomorrow .. Rome wasn't built in a day but thr fact that your hubby is there tells me he wants to rebuild it

Together.

[Overtaxed]

My exWW was always saying "oh I know you will never forgive me because I wouldn't forgive me if I were you..." and other pointless comments like that. She was wanting me to feel sorry for her. Just more emotional validation.

 

I got so sick of hearing that malarkey. And your husband will start getting sick of hearing it too. He wants to see your remorse put into action. He wants to see you becoming a safe person to love again.

 

Show him you are sorry. Show him through your actions and deeds. Show him that he means more to you than just some person you live with, who you tolerate and who you keep around to just help pay the bills. Talk is cheap.

 

I agree with this entirely. This is a ploy to make the LS feel "guilt" towards to the WS and to just "shut up about it" in most cases. The WS "forgiving him/herself" is NOT in any way the LS's problem. Yes, it has to happen. And yes, it might be difficult. But it's not something you EVER burden another person with except for your IC. It's manipulation designed to control the other person and "rob them" the full depth of their pain. My wife has done a bit of this and I call her out on it immediately, you actually DID these things, willingly, knowingly and without remorse (at the time). Even if you are being literal, and you can't forgive yourself, that is the burden YOU have to carry for the things you've done, putting that on your LS is like pulling a 180 on how things are supposed to work.

 

Now, 5 years after the A is over? Yeah, if the WS is still suffering because of what they did, perhaps this conversation is appropriate. But not for a VERY long time and only when the relationship is totally solid should those words every leave the WS's lips.

 

IMHO, of course.

 

Edit to add:

 

Action, action, action. Most important part of the post above. And cannot be repeated enough. Saying to your LS "I'm so embarrassed" is nothing. Giving them the password to every account you have, your phone, telling them to do anything they want to verify your story.. That's something. That matters. Saying "I love you and want to be with you" is nothing. Showing them through your actions; looking at them with respect and pride, showing them love the way they want to receive it (sex, affirmation, gifts, etc). That matters.

 

I never placed a lot of stock in words from other people. After d-day, I placed even less in those from my wife. She was obviously capable of lying straight to my face without a moment's reflection, why would I think her words after d-day (especially right after) were any more sincere? Actions, act as if you want to fix it, act as if you care, show your LS that you are working, reading, attending sessions with professionals, loving them more every day. At least for me, that's the way you attempt to fix a relationship after an A.

Edited February 20, 2017 by Overtaxed