I confessed

[deadsoul]

It's given me a lot to think about in relation to where i'm really at, with the things that brought me here. I see my own IC tonight. I'm glad, we have some things to discuss.

 

I had mine too. It was really hard. But I have some specific things to work on in the next couple weeks. Hope yours went well.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Some. And I've answered honestly and we're kind of at a stalemate right now. I don't even know if that's the right word. Basically we are kind of living separately in the same house right now.

 

One of my healing podcasts said today that the first 3 months are the hardest- I believe this. Both of you may be going through Post traumatic stress syndrome. I know it seems odd that you may be there too but I know I was.

 

My husband was hyper-vigilant if i even breathed wrong it meant something that I was cheating again or didn't love him enough. I felt smothered I was extremely numb and just wanted to stare off into space not explain why I didn't hug him tight enough. I wanted to be the safe place for him but it took everything inside of me to be mentally and emotionally present for more than 5 minutes. We fought about things we would never normally fight about and cried about more.

 

My husband was going through the mind movies, the intrusive thoughts, the feelings of pain, anger, embarrassment. I guess what I am saying is do not measure the state of your marriage right now because right now you are both trying to come to grips with this entire thing. Your husband probably hasn't even fully grasped the situation and neither have you fully.

 

Keep pushing, if you want the marriage do not let a day go by that you do not fight for it and push through your own S** to be there for him. Talk to him. talk talk talk- it is truly healing to lay it out there and to allow him to do the same.

[QuietDan]

Deadsoul

Hope all is well with you.

From the perspective of one of the foolish ones who didn't confess, but was discovered,...

I really wish I had gone your route, in the end, you did the right thing in my opinion, not the easy way, but the right way.

I really hope that, you and your husband will be able to work through this and come back together eventually.

[redbaron007]

I don't want to think about AP. He's the least of my concerns. I don't hate what he did to my marriage... I hate what I did to my marriage.

 

That is the right attitude. Ignore the people who advocate you should "hate" the OM. Your OM was not married to your BH, you were. Your OM did not cheat on your BH, you did. Your hating the OM will mean nothing to your BH and I'm glad you recognize that.

[road]

Nothing wrong with hating the OM. Difficult to not hate your own partner

in crime against one's own marriage.

[Cephalopod]

Some. And I've answered honestly and we're kind of at a stalemate right now. I don't even know if that's the right word. Basically we are kind of living separately in the same house right now.

 

He's going to be angry and hurt for a long, long time. You emasculated him.

 

If you and he stay together you will need sex therapy.

[Friskyone4u]

I don't want to think about AP. He's the least of my concerns. I don't hate what he did to my marriage... I hate what I did to my marriage. He had little respect for my marriage or his friendship with my BH, but that's on him, not me. I'm responsible for what I did. He ghosted me. And truly, as much as it hurt at the time, did me a huge favor.

 

I chose to do what I did. I don't want to spend any more time and energy thinking about AP. If I hate him down the road, yay. But I really just don't want him to occupy any part of me and I believe hate allows that. Right now I don't want to think about him and if I catch myself doing it, I quickly change my thoughts.

 

 

That statement right there is why you have way above average odds of saving your marriage. No blame shifting, no thoughts of cake eating, nothing but some pretty quick good old fashioned remorse. Doesn't mean it will not still be a deal breaker for your husband, who seems to want to take the medicine a bit at a time since he is asking "some' questions. thats OK. He has to go at own pace.

 

Many positive things you have done

(1) confessed and got the burden of living a lie off your back

(2) ignored you genius friend who told you to keep your husband in the dark and hope he never found out some other way, which would have made you much more susceptible to restarting the affair.

(3) have eliminated most social friends and situations where you would run into OM

(4) and provided transparency and accepted accountability

 

That is about as good as it can be EXCEPT for the little tidbit about OM not having a clue he can't just ring you up for a booty call. Should you and hubby continue to make progress i suggest you discuss that one and make your plan WITH hubby on what he expects if OM comes a calling again.

[deadsoul]

That statement right there is why you have way above average odds of saving your marriage. No blame shifting, no thoughts of cake eating, nothing but some pretty quick good old fashioned remorse. Doesn't mean it will not still be a deal breaker for your husband, who seems to want to take the medicine a bit at a time since he is asking "some' questions. thats OK. He has to go at own pace.

 

Many positive things you have done

(1) confessed and got the burden of living a lie off your back

(2) ignored you genius friend who told you to keep your husband in the dark and hope he never found out some other way, which would have made you much more susceptible to restarting the affair.

(3) have eliminated most social friends and situations where you would run into OM

(4) and provided transparency and accepted accountability

 

That is about as good as it can be EXCEPT for the little tidbit about OM not having a clue he can't just ring you up for a booty call. Should you and hubby continue to make progress i suggest you discuss that one and make your plan WITH hubby on what he expects if OM comes a calling again.

 

Neither of us have any desire to speak/contact him. I truly don't believe he's going to contact me, but if he does, BH and I have discussed what I will do.

[QuietDan]

I remember reading an account of a wayward wife who found herself lost to an addictive affair that she was not able to break free on her own. She actually got to the point where she realized that she could not end the affair by her own force of will. She went to her husband and confessed her affair and pleaded with her husband to help her break free of the addictive affair that she said she was trapped in. As I recall, she found her husband to be extremely helpful and compassionate. Seemed to understand and was empathetic to her difficulty with ending the affair. The marriage then lasted an additional 15 years. Unfortunately, about 14 years after the wife's affair ended, the husband ended up having an affair with some young woman that he was working with. As I recall, she said he seemed to be genuinely filled with regret and remorse and pleaded with his wife for forgiveness. However,

She also mentioned that after witnessing the emotional pain and torment that her husband suffered for years after the affair, she wasn't willing go through the same ordeal.

So, She kicked him out of the house as soon as she found out and immediately filed for divorce.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Quiet Dan,

 

I have a different level of disrespect for those who experienced adultery due to choices made by their spouses and then years later after reconciliation due the same with that spouse or a later one and do the same. While one can apperciate how destructive adultery is to the BS, to experience it is to have a far deeper impact. To be willing to then do so speaks volumes about them as a person.

[road]

I remember reading an account of a wayward wife who found herself lost to an addictive affair that she was not able to break free on her own. She actually got to the point where she realized that she could not end the affair by her own force of will. She went to her husband and confessed her affair and pleaded with her husband to help her break free of the addictive affair that she said she was trapped in. As I recall, she found her husband to be extremely helpful and compassionate. Seemed to understand and was empathetic to her difficulty with ending the affair. The marriage then lasted an additional 15 years. Unfortunately, about 14 years after the wife's affair ended, the husband ended up having an affair with some young woman that he was working with. As I recall, she said he seemed to be genuinely filled with regret and remorse and pleaded with his wife for forgiveness. However,

She also mentioned that after witnessing the emotional pain and torment that her husband suffered for years after the affair, she wasn't willing go through the same ordeal.

So, She kicked him out of the house as soon as she found out and immediately filed for divorce.

 

Typical WS they can handle doing the cheating but will not tolerate being cheated on.

[Cephalopod]

She also mentioned that after witnessing the emotional pain and torment that her husband suffered for years after the affair, she wasn't willing go through the same ordeal.

So, She kicked him out of the house as soon as she found out and immediately filed for divorce.

 

Speaks a lot about gender roles doesn't it?

[fenix]

Speaks a lot about gender roles doesn't it?

 

That is not fair... this forum is full with betrayed wives that stayed and worked in their married.

What you can learn from that story is that being betrayed doesn't give you a free pass to cheat in the future, once you decide to stay in the marriage you recommit to the marriage and you are supposed to be loyal and faithful. If you don't you should not expect your BS (previous WS) to stay ... every story is different and every person is different.

[Southern Sun]

Some. And I've answered honestly and we're kind of at a stalemate right now. I don't even know if that's the right word. Basically we are kind of living separately in the same house right now.

 

This is a very turbulent time. Whatever today brings, tomorrow will be different. Nothing stays the same...if that gives you any comfort.

 

Just keep making right decisions. When something is under your control, do it well and upright. That's all your job is right now.

[Jersey born raised]

Actually it speaks to a person who grew up not gender. My only question to her would be what did you do to heal him and the marriage. I recently begun to marriage consisting as three entities: spouse one, spouse two and the marriage. A family consists of four parts. The first three, plus children.

 

A child's primary relationship is the relationship with the marriage, then the individual parents.

 

So to bring it back to OP work on your children's relationship with first the family, then their dad, then you, finally with each other.

[Marc878]

How's it going DS?

 

Your kids should come around first if they haven't already.

[deadsoul]

My kids are the priority.

 

It's going. There are many ups and downs. We are in MC, have had two visits. They are emotionally draining, but good for us.

 

I guess I can ask this to you guys since I asked it today: If I really loved him, why did I do this to him? Is it worth salvaging? My feelings for him right now are confused and I don't know what to do with that. Was this a way for me to get out of the marriage? I honestly don't have the answer for that right now. I know I love him. But that seems empty because I keep coming back to: if you loved him, you would not have cheated on him. I can't seem to reconcile that in my brain.

 

I feel so confused because I still have not gotten to the root of why I did what I did, but I feel like I need to figure my own stuff out before I can resolve my feelings on the marriage. I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I feel so lost. And I know I have no right to feel that way after all I've done. But I really want to get to why I did what I did so that I never make those choices again. I don't feel like I'm there yet.

 

I don't know the normal way to feel. I know I want to do what's right for my family... but I have some confusion on what is right for me and BH...

[Dub]

Eh, you probably had the stereotypical exit affair

 

If you don't have any feelings for your husband you should tell him that, just get an amicable divorce and you both can move on and find people you fit better with, no use in trying to drag out reconciliation if you don't love him, I don't see how that benefits either one of you

Edited March 4, 2017 by Dub

[BluesPower]

No it is not that simple dub and deadsoul.

 

DS, your feelings are pretty normal for the most part. Your marriage got to a point that you really may have felt like it was over or you did not care if it was over.

 

Was this an exit affair? You know even those that start as Exit's can really just be a wake up call to the marriage.

 

Here is the deal. I love my wife, and I am divorcing my wife. For a lot of reasons but mostly because she does not love me, bottom line.

 

Opinions will very, but I believe that you can love your spouse and still have an affair. Many will say no, but many are also not a BS and a WS like me.

 

I think the why will come in time for you, but in a way it does not really matter. Basically, it boils down to, unhappy in marriage, had an affair, made really poor decisions.

 

What you need to decide is if you really love your husband. If you don't then divorce, if you do then fight like hell for your marriage. It is about that simple.

 

Over time you will understand the whys better but for now if you want it you have to focus on your marriage.

[Marc878]

My kids are the priority.

 

It's going. There are many ups and downs. We are in MC, have had two visits. They are emotionally draining, but good for us.

 

I guess I can ask this to you guys since I asked it today: If I really loved him, why did I do this to him? Is it worth salvaging? My feelings for him right now are confused and I don't know what to do with that. Was this a way for me to get out of the marriage? I honestly don't have the answer for that right now. I know I love him. But that seems empty because I keep coming back to: if you loved him, you would not have cheated on him. I can't seem to reconcile that in my brain.

 

It's hard to try and rationalize the irrational. Only you can answer the question you are seeking the answer to. Patience and time will make it clearer. Rushing to an answer may just cause you more confusion at this time. Many try and seek "why do we hurt the ones we love". Most cannot answer the "why" upfront.

 

I feel so confused because I still have not gotten to the root of why I did what I did, but I feel like I need to figure my own stuff out before I can resolve my feelings on the marriage. I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I feel so lost. And I know I have no right to feel that way after all I've done. But I really want to get to why I did what I did so that I never make those choices again. I don't feel like I'm there yet.

 

You ARE lost at this time but knowing it is a good first step.

 

I don't know the normal way to feel. I know I want to do what's right for my family... but I have some confusion on what is right for me and BH...

 

You appear to be doing well and probably better than you think. It's still early....

[Marc878]

Have the kids reconnected?

 

H still distant?

[Life lessons]

My kids are the priority.

 

It's going. There are many ups and downs. We are in MC, have had two visits. They are emotionally draining, but good for us.

 

I guess I can ask this to you guys since I asked it today: If I really loved him, why did I do this to him? Is it worth salvaging? My feelings for him right now are confused and I don't know what to do with that. Was this a way for me to get out of the marriage? I honestly don't have the answer for that right now. I know I love him. But that seems empty because I keep coming back to: if you loved him, you would not have cheated on him. I can't seem to reconcile that in my brain.

 

I feel so confused because I still have not gotten to the root of why I did what I did, but I feel like I need to figure my own stuff out before I can resolve my feelings on the marriage. I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I feel so lost. And I know I have no right to feel that way after all I've done. But I really want to get to why I did what I did so that I never make those choices again. I don't feel like I'm there yet.

 

I don't know the normal way to feel. I know I want to do what's right for my family... but I have some confusion on what is right for me and BH...

 

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I definitely feel what you do, in regards to the confusion...constantly questioning the how could I do that and why did I do that! We are in the same boat as far as the feelings but as you know I haven't told my H. I envy you because I'm not strong enough to do that. I know many here tell me I don't and can't love my BH, but I honest to God do. I didn't go into the A remotely thinking I was going to exit my M. I've been following your thread since our A are so similar. I wish you the best.

[harrybrown]

If you do not love your H, let him know and let him get on with his healing.

 

I do feel for your H. pay for him to go to affair recovery.com.

 

too bad you did not D him before you had the A.

 

Now he has the pain and loss of self esteem.

 

If he had an A like you, would it bother you at all?

 

If you do not have feelings for him, stop the marriage and let him find someone that loves him. Is he all that bad? Not now, because he has raging anger, depression, and feelings of rejection. But before you had the A, why did you marry him? Maybe he will be someone else's soulmate.

 

Be honest and gentle with him, but do tell him so he does not waste his resources on a dead marriage. He certainly wonders if you ever loved him at all.

[deadsoul]

Have the kids reconnected?

 

H still distant?

 

No, kids have not completely reconnected, but we are working on it. H is trying to talk more, but he's understandably going through ups and downs too.

[deadsoul]

No it is not that simple dub and deadsoul.

 

DS, your feelings are pretty normal for the most part. Your marriage got to a point that you really may have felt like it was over or you did not care if it was over.

 

Was this an exit affair? You know even those that start as Exit's can really just be a wake up call to the marriage.

 

Here is the deal. I love my wife, and I am divorcing my wife. For a lot of reasons but mostly because she does not love me, bottom line.

 

Opinions will very, but I believe that you can love your spouse and still have an affair. Many will say no, but many are also not a BS and a WS like me.

 

I think the why will come in time for you, but in a way it does not really matter. Basically, it boils down to, unhappy in marriage, had an affair, made really poor decisions.

 

What you need to decide is if you really love your husband. If you don't then divorce, if you do then fight like hell for your marriage. It is about that simple.

 

Over time you will understand the whys better but for now if you want it you have to focus on your marriage.

 

I know I love him. I'm scared I might not be in love with him anymore because I feel so confused. Is this normal? Should I know this? And yes, I have admitted all of this. I want to fight for everything, but I want to fight for the right reasons. Like I said, I feel a lot of confusion, but I'm working on it because BH deserves the best. Sometimes I feel like I'm just inadequate and it isn't me, but that could be the depression talking too. I just don't know.