I confessed

[deadsoul]

If you do not love your H, let him know and let him get on with his healing.

 

I do feel for your H. pay for him to go to affair recovery.com.

 

too bad you did not D him before you had the A.

 

Now he has the pain and loss of self esteem.

 

If he had an A like you, would it bother you at all?

 

Yes. It would bother me.

 

If you do not have feelings for him, stop the marriage and let him find someone that loves him. Is he all that bad? Not now, because he has raging anger, depression, and feelings of rejection. But before you had the A, why did you marry him? Maybe he will be someone else's soulmate.

 

No! He is an awesome guy! He's not bad at all.

 

Be honest and gentle with him, but do tell him so he does not waste his resources on a dead marriage. He certainly wonders if you ever loved him at all.

 

I have been honest with him. Even the MC thinks that I just need to give myself time, like I'm giving him. But I've told him everything I've said here. BH understands that we both need time. He's still trying to figure out if he wants to R. I completely respect that.

[deadsoul]

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I definitely feel what you do, in regards to the confusion...constantly questioning the how could I do that and why did I do that! We are in the same boat as far as the feelings but as you know I haven't told my H. I envy you because I'm not strong enough to do that. I know many here tell me I don't and can't love my BH, but I honest to God do. I didn't go into the A remotely thinking I was going to exit my M. I've been following your thread since our A are so similar. I wish you the best.

 

Please don't think that your decision to not tell is because you aren't strong enough. I respect your decision not to tell. It isn't the right one for me, but I completely empathize with both sides and would never tell anyone that one way is better. I believe you love your BH. Your priority right now is staying NC with the other guy and sorting through that. How is that going?

[deadsoul]

Eh, you probably had the stereotypical exit affair

 

If you don't have any feelings for your husband you should tell him that, just get an amicable divorce and you both can move on and find people you fit better with, no use in trying to drag out reconciliation if you don't love him, I don't see how that benefits either one of you

 

I actually expected responses like this. I'm not giving up. I really want to find my way and be a wife worthy of him.

[Marc878]

In reality you emotionally left the marriage a year ago when the affair started.

 

You may have physically been with your H and family but as you can see in retrospect you were mentally gone. Just going through the motions.

 

Disassociating and then trying to come back takes time and effort. You and definitely your H and family will be on a rollercoaster for some time. Better expect that.

 

Each day will be a challenge of some sort and the events/pieces from the past year for your H and family will probably become much clearer to them now that they all know what was going on. You may have thought it was well hidden and even if they couldn't put their finger on it something was off. That will play into this as well.

[deadsoul]

In reality you emotionally left the marriage a year ago when the affair started.

 

You may have physically been with your H and family but as you can see in retrospect you were mentally gone. Just going through the motions.

 

Disassociating and then trying to come back takes time and effort. You and definitely your H and family will be on a rollercoaster for some time. Better expect that.

 

Each day will be a challenge of some sort and the events/pieces from the past year for your H and family will probably become much clearer to them now that they all know what was going on. You may have thought it was well hidden and even if they couldn't put their finger on it something was off. That will play into this as well.

 

Thank you for saying that about the disassociating. I think you nailed it. I want to find my way back. I do not want to be that person I was for the past year.

[Life lessons]

Please don't think that your decision to not tell is because you aren't strong enough. I respect your decision not to tell. It isn't the right one for me, but I completely empathize with both sides and would never tell anyone that one way is better. I believe you love your BH. Your priority right now is staying NC with the other guy and sorting through that. How is that going?

 

Thanks dead soul. I guess my wording on me not being strong enough is maybe the wrong choice for words, here. What I meant by that is that I'm not strong enough to deal with the fallout because I know it would be dramatic. The OM has tried to contact me on several occasions. He has left multiple messages on my office line saying "wtf" basically and saying how much he misses me. I'm more than likely going to have to find a new career because I know I'll eventually see him and I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with that. I don't like saying that but it's the way I feel.

[Marc878]

Thank you for saying that about the disassociating. I think you nailed it. I want to find my way back. I do not want to be that person I was for the past year.

 

It's doable. Many overcome this. Just be prepared for the journey, 2-5 years. While your H has the ultimate decision to grant the try for R your actions/etc will play a large part in how all this turns out IF your H buys in.

 

It's been awhile and you're still there aren't you. Look back at day one (Dday).

 

It shouldn't look quite as insurmountable now.

[Marc878]

Thanks dead soul. I guess my wording on me not being strong enough is maybe the wrong choice for words, here. What I meant by that is that I'm not strong enough to deal with the fallout because I know it would be dramatic. The OM has tried to contact me on several occasions. He has left multiple messages on my office line saying "wtf" basically and saying how much he misses me. I'm more than likely going to have to find a new career because I know I'll eventually see him and I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with that. I don't like saying that but it's the way I feel.

 

As many can tell you and you have surmised this yourself. Any contact and you'll just repeat. Over and over.

 

That vicious circle jerk may be more painfull than confessing along with possible exposure of your affair.

[Life lessons]

Do you still stand by what you've previously stated? I think I recall you saying that you are basically content that you were honest with your husband. Do you have any regrets or wish you hadn't of told? If you had a redo, would you still tell your husband about the affair? I know you've said you don't think you could've lived with the guilt of not telling him. I'm curious if that has changed now?

[harrybrown]

deadsoul-

 

your H is a much better man than most men.

 

if their wife had such a long affair, told him that she did not love him, they would be done.

 

 

He must be quite a guy.

 

even though these husbands do not make hearts go pitter patter, they do work and are fathers to children. They are better men than the fantasy of being addicted to the excitement of the cheater OM.

 

i have been working for so many years now. married for over 40. still trying.

 

remember to water the grass to make it greener. These OM are not the kind for the long run. so maybe if you put all the effort into the marriage and vows and family that you did into the A, your marriage would be so much better.

 

Good luck to your family.

[Life lessons]

As many can tell you and you have surmised this yourself. Any contact and you'll just repeat. Over and over.

 

That vicious circle jerk may be more painfull than confessing along with possible exposure of your affair.

 

Absolutely Marc! I do know that I'm not able to have any contact. It does hurt, why I don't know because there was/is no love there on my part....towards the OM ... I did care...but no love. I don't know why it's still difficult for me. I'm not certain what you mean by the second part, above?? I understood the exposure but not the vicious circle jerk!?

[BluesPower]

I know I love him. I'm scared I might not be in love with him anymore because I feel so confused. Is this normal? Should I know this? And yes, I have admitted all of this. I want to fight for everything, but I want to fight for the right reasons. Like I said, I feel a lot of confusion, but I'm working on it because BH deserves the best. Sometimes I feel like I'm just inadequate and it isn't me, but that could be the depression talking too. I just don't know.

 

Those feelings are normal...

 

Let's look at the good things you have done. You confessed a horrible thing to your husband, I think because you could not live with yourself and because you loved your husband enough to lose him. Both of those are good things. As a way to recover from what you have done, they were completely necessary.

 

The inadequate feeling that you are having are also normal. I mean look what you have done. You know how bad it was. However, you had the courage to turn it around. You are grieving what you have done, you hate what you have done to your husband, these feelings are reasonable.

 

But you can't focus on them. All you can try to do is win back your husband. Win back your family.

 

As far as the "in love" or "love" thing. People really debate that a lot. I really don't feel that way though. I think you love or don't love.

 

You just need to keep doing the best you can. I can tell you that if your husband lets you back into his heart, your love feelings will grow.

 

Because if someone can get there after this type of betrayal, they love you for sure. However it works out, you can know that you are doing the right thing.

[Marc878]

Life Lessons - circle jerk is.....

 

Hiding the affair, trying to stay no contact, if you break no contact (being alone in this you have no support), it all starts over again and again. Even a phone call or message throws you doesn't it.

[Life lessons]

Life Lessons - circle jerk is.....

 

Hiding the affair, trying to stay no contact, if you break no contact (being alone in this you have no support), it all starts over again and again. Even a phone call or message throws you doesn't it.

 

Got you! There's no going back for me! I can't take another risk but yes, contact of any type would definitely start it over and I'm unwilling to start again!

[Grammie]

I read some and skimmed some of this thread...

 

deadsoul, I believe you ARE remorseful and it is evident from your posts.

 

Your statements of --- if I loved him, I wouldn't have cheated.....I don't believe that your love for him played a part in this. Let me try to explain MY views...

 

marriage has ups and downs. There isn't the constant butterflies that are there in a new relationship. Butterflies are replaced with a more deep feeling. Like instead of a burning hot fire, it is a smoldering, constant fire. The love is there, it just isn't that in-your-face, must-have-sex-right-now, love. Bills, kids, chores, work -- all of those things play a role in the marriage. People become more 'real' -- what I mean by that is your period panties aren't hidden deep in the drawer anymore, your spouse has seen them and probably even folded them. You become more comfortable with your spouse the more time that goes by.

 

Then, someone shows you attention - flirts with you. The butterflies start. It is NEW, it is fresh, he hasn't seen the period panties. Its different. Then it happened. And now you are where you are.

 

I am not saying this is how it always happens; I am saying this is a way it happens. Not every married person cheats. Sometimes, life throws curve balls and **** happens.

 

To me, it had not a damn thing to do with your love for your spouse. I had a physically abusive spouse, and I hated him. But I didn't cheat on him. I chose to divorce him instead. No one would have blamed me for cheating on him, but I didn't do it. Your decision to have an affair to ME doesn't have to do with your spouse or your love for him. It had to do with you.

 

The most telling thing about you is that you chose to confess, which I think shows your true character. You could have taken the easy way and hid it forever. yes, I think that is the easy way. But instead, you chose to be honest with your husband - giving him a chance to decide if he wants to forgive you or not. That is hands down one of the kindest things you could have done to him. You couldn't undo the fact that you cheated but you owned it and told the truth and not because you were caught. THAT shows who you are.

 

Keep communicating, keep working on you.

[Marc878]

Got you! There's no going back for me! I can't take another risk but yes, contact of any type would definitely start it over and I'm unwilling to start again!

 

Affairs are addictions if you get the addict around the source you will get relapse. Think about what a message or texts do to you. Hard to go this route on your own but I do wish you luck.

[Owl6118]

Hi DS. I am glad you still reach out with questions to your sounding board here. Lots of people with good ideas here.

 

On the question "How could I do this if I loved my husband," i still stand by what I suggested to you a month ago -- that the real question is how could you do this if you loved yourself.

 

Perhaps your husband has changed so much, and you so much, that you are indeed no longer in love with him. It happens. I wrestle with similar questions, they are what brought me here and kinda keeps me hanging around.

 

But my advice to you is the same as my advice to myself. I think it far more likely that the person we don't love is ourself, not our partner.

 

We got into a place of pain. The pain came from not loving ourself enough to address our problems-- dissatisfaction, anxiety, depression, disconnection-- in a healthy way, through courage and patience and hard work and vulnerability.

 

Instead we were selfish, which is a kind of self love, but not a healthy self love. We wanted a quick fix. So we found something that, though it cost us our integrity and required us to betray those we were most pledged to love and keep safe, offered temporary ease. And we wanted the ease. So we took it.

 

That is a kind of sick superficial self love. Underneath it is self-hatred. That self-hatred is what the affair was anesthetizing.

 

But it all has to with us. With a twisted braid of self-love and self-hatred in us. A drama we become so absorbed in that it squeezes out love for others.

 

So my answer is still the same as it was a month ago. The affair doesn't mean you don't or didn't love your husband. It means you loved -- and hated -- yourself more than you loved anyone else. All your empathy was focused on yourself. And your selfish focus was all consuming.

 

Give yourself more time, if your partner is willing to grant it. It takes time, time, time to get out of that selfish place.

 

 

From last month:

 

 

 

It turns on how you interpret selfishness.

 

You are defining love as innately positive. So real self-love would be by definition a healthy self-love, rooted in a sense of self that is secure, not in need of external validation.

 

Selfishness, I am arguing, is also a form of self-love, albeit a sick one. Remeber, I like to define love as an action, not not a feeling. Is your empathy directed outward,, to others, and do you actions follow through, in the form of kindness and compassion? Or is your empathy directed inwards, to your hurts, your resentments, so that your actions flow towards soothing your pain above others', or at the cost of others' hurt? That's what I meant by self-love. Your actions show where you are investing your empathy, and your love.

 

It is semantics in a sense. But I imagine you can see the distinction.

[Marc878]

My kids are the priority.

 

It's going. There are many ups and downs. We are in MC, have had two visits. They are emotionally draining, but good for us.

 

I guess I can ask this to you guys since I asked it today: If I really loved him, why did I do this to him? Is it worth salvaging? My feelings for him right now are confused and I don't know what to do with that. Was this a way for me to get out of the marriage? I honestly don't have the answer for that right now. I know I love him. But that seems empty because I keep coming back to: if you loved him, you would not have cheated on him. I can't seem to reconcile that in my brain.

 

I feel so confused because I still have not gotten to the root of why I did what I did, but I feel like I need to figure my own stuff out before I can resolve my feelings on the marriage. I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I feel so lost. And I know I have no right to feel that way after all I've done. But I really want to get to why I did what I did so that I never make those choices again. I don't feel like I'm there yet.

 

My background is finance. When dealing with embezzlement or a thief you get a common theme. "I felt the company owed it to me" or "I deserved to be paid more". Thats how they justify their acts.

 

In an affair it seems like a common theme is "I wasn't in love anymore" or "the spark was gone" so I deserved to have sex with the AP. I needed the high of the excitement because it wasn't in my marriage, etc. This is the Justification in the fantasy that makes it ok or usable for lack of a better term. The problem is the affair is hidden and that excuse works until discovery or the truth comes out. An affair trumps everything at the time. Spouse, family, etc not much else matters. It's the focal point for most I think. Some have called it a distraction from everyday life, etc.

 

No marriage is perfect no spouse is perfect. Anyone who's married for a period of time doesn't have the constant butterflies like when dating or newly married. An affair seems easier than working or putting time/effort into the marriage. Definitely more exciting. Perhaps that's why this route gets chosen so often.

 

The trap of an affair is the excitement makes everything high intensity. The fantasy that doesn't last except for a period of time. The ultimate high. No day to day life to interfere in the fantasy. It's all good until it isn't. Much like any addiction afterwards it's a huge withdrawal, now a big void because the spouse and family, etc are withdrawn or distant. Now the work begins to fill in the vaccum the Xaffair has left.

 

I'm not sure if that fits your situation of "why".......

[Mr Blunt]

By Deadsoul

I know I love him. I'm scared I might not be in love with him anymore because I feel so confused. Is this normal? Should I know this? And yes, I have admitted all of this.

 

 

By Blunt

The bold above; as a BS, that statement is disgusting because it is so contradictory. Also, your feelings and emotions and confusion tell you that you may not be in love with him? My advice to you on that is to shut the hell up and do not tell your husband at this stage such hurtful things. Your husband is very wounded and cannot help you with all of your damaged emotions and confusions and does not need to hear that you may not be in love with him. There just are some things that is not wise to tell your wounded BS at this time!

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Deadsoul

I feel so confused because I still have not gotten to the root of why I did what I did

 

By BLUNT

You in so many words have said that the reason you did it was for the feelings and excitement. You also said “My head always knew, but my heart and feelings were stupid"

 

From your words I can only conclude that you allowed your feeling to overrule your head and your integrity. It seems that a lot of people betray their families by allowing inappropriate feeling to control. It is my observation that feeling have become the absolute number one goal in life for many. What is so unpopular in our culture are such definitions of real love such as “does not seek its own, suffers long, thinks no evil, does not eek iniquity but seeks truth to name just a few. Such reliable characteristics such as commitment, loyalty, putting family first, and suffering long and being kind is seen a sold fashion or ignored.

 

Deadsoul, if you replaced inappropriate feelings and excitement with commitment, loyalty, putting family first, and suffering long for your loved ones, would you have done what you did? If you replaced those inappropriate feelings and excitement with those previously mentioned you will no longer be confused as to how to build your integrity and you will show your family some of the actions and attitudes of real love. Inappropriate feelings and excitement cannot be trusted and can cause great pain.

 

Your user name of Deadsoul is also an indication of what you may also work on.

 

Your regret and clarity of how your betrayal has poisoned your life is a good start. It is also a good thing that you stated “ I am broken”. With a broken and contrite heart God has a lot to work with!

[Just a Guy]

Hi deadsoul, so how are you doing these last few days? I think Owl and Mr. Blunt have had very valid suggestions to make. Marc's post too, was very illuminating. If you have been doing any reading( which I'm sure you have been) then there is a book you could read as an ancillary to everything else. The title of the book is " Heaven is for Real" by Pastor Todd Burpo. It is the story of his son Colton who had a near death experience when he was only about three or four years old. During his NDE he visited a place he described as Heaven. The book talks about many things but it also brings out how God loves us all warts and everything and for anyone who is undergoing a crisis of faith in God or in oneself, it is a book that renews one's faith in the overall love that God has for all of us. It is a book that may ressurect the dead in your soul and bring it to life. By the way, Souls are never dead. Only our bodies die but our souls live on. Your choice of your moniker is curious! Hope you continue healing and come out the other side a ressurected Soul! Warm wishes.

[deadsoul]

Do you still stand by what you've previously stated? I think I recall you saying that you are basically content that you were honest with your husband. Do you have any regrets or wish you hadn't of told? If you had a redo, would you still tell your husband about the affair? I know you've said you don't think you could've lived with the guilt of not telling him. I'm curious if that has changed now?

 

Stay no contact... it's unfortunate, but it's an addiction and at least you recognize you won't be able to resist. Stay strong.

 

I thought a lot about your questions and here it goes:

 

My regret is the look I put on my family's face when they found out the truth. My regret is the pain I've caused all of them.

 

Do I wish I hadn't have told? No. I don't wish that. I couldn't continue the way I was because I wasn't healing. Now I feel like I'm on the right path to heal. I could not have lived with the guilt of not owning my mistakes.

 

I've raised my kids that they will make mistakes in life and in order to learn from them they have to take responsibility and own them. This is what I had to do. I hate the pain I've caused everyone. It didn't "relieve" my guilt to tell. Not at all. But I feel like it put me on the right path, regardless of what happens. I couldn't live with the dishonesty anymore and I knew that the marriage would continue to have a cracked foundation if I didn't tell. Of course, now it's like it has been scorched with a fire I started. But now I have hope that it can be rebuilt.

 

To be perfectly honest, when I confessed, I was sure that was the end and I would be seeing divorce papers ASAP. I still may see those papers. But I'm still in the house and we are working on things and that has already put us in a better place.

 

So the short answer: No. I do not regret telling. I regret having the A in the first place, but now I am taking responsibility for my actions and trying to be a better person. I asked him if he wishes I kept quiet and he immediately said no. He needed to know.

 

But confessing is not for everyone and I completely understand that. I think it's just as hard to not confess (at least it was in my case).

[deadsoul]

By Deadsoul

I know I love him. I'm scared I might not be in love with him anymore because I feel so confused. Is this normal? Should I know this? And yes, I have admitted all of this.

 

 

By Blunt

The bold above; as a BS, that statement is disgusting because it is so contradictory. Also, your feelings and emotions and confusion tell you that you may not be in love with him? My advice to you on that is to shut the hell up and do not tell your husband at this stage such hurtful things. Your husband is very wounded and cannot help you with all of your damaged emotions and confusions and does not need to hear that you may not be in love with him. There just are some things that is not wise to tell your wounded BS at this time!

 

 

If I shut the hell up then I am back to being dishonest. I said all these things in MC. And I don't expect him to help me with my damaged emotions, but I do believe he needs to know that I'm damaged too and I have a lot of work to do on me. It goes back to what Owl said above about self love. I was asked once if I liked myself. Without hesitation, I said, "NO." How can I be in a relationship if I am not happy with myself. I have a lot of demons that I believe I pushed aside because I didn't want to face it. But guess what? Pain is inevitable. I have to stop going around it and start going through it. It is the only way I can become whole again. I once said I had the A to fill a missing piece. But another person cannot fill my missing pieces. I have to do it. And that's what I'm working on. But to not let BH know where I'm at with my emotions is lying again, which is what got me in trouble in the first place.

 

 

 

By Deadsoul

I feel so confused because I still have not gotten to the root of why I did what I did

 

By BLUNT

You in so many words have said that the reason you did it was for the feelings and excitement. You also said “My head always knew, but my heart and feelings were stupid"

 

Yes, I said that. Now I need to get to the root of why I needed to turn to someone else to get those feelings and excitement.

 

From your words I can only conclude that you allowed your feeling to overrule your head and your integrity. It seems that a lot of people betray their families by allowing inappropriate feeling to control. It is my observation that feeling have become the absolute number one goal in life for many. What is so unpopular in our culture are such definitions of real love such as “does not seek its own, suffers long, thinks no evil, does not eek iniquity but seeks truth to name just a few. Such reliable characteristics such as commitment, loyalty, putting family first, and suffering long and being kind is seen a sold fashion or ignored.

 

This is true. My feelings often overrule my logic. It is not one of my better traits. I am an extremely emotional person. I did one of those personality tests and I came up as the one that's extremely emotional and intuitive. The problem is logic got lost in there. I can't control my feelings... but I can control the cognitive thoughts that cause those feelings. And that's what I'm working on.

 

Deadsoul, if you replaced inappropriate feelings and excitement with commitment, loyalty, putting family first, and suffering long for your loved ones, would you have done what you did? If you replaced those inappropriate feelings and excitement with those previously mentioned you will no longer be confused as to how to build your integrity and you will show your family some of the actions and attitudes of real love. Inappropriate feelings and excitement cannot be trusted and can cause great pain.

 

Your user name of Deadsoul is also an indication of what you may also work on.

 

 

My user name is a Nine Inch Nails song, Dead Souls (which, dating myself, was originally a Joy Division song). But a lot of times I feel dead inside.

 

"Someone take these dreams away

That point me to another day

A duel of personalities

That stretch all true realities

 

That keep calling me

They keep calling me

Keep on calling me

They keep calling me"

 

Your regret and clarity of how your betrayal has poisoned your life is a good start. It is also a good thing that you stated “ I am broken”. With a broken and contrite heart God has a lot to work with!

 

Yes. I am broken. I am trying to put my pieces together. It isn't going to be perfect. You see me here admitting things, the good, bad and ugly. I could lie and push all those emotions down, but that just got me in trouble.

[deadsoul]

My background is finance. When dealing with embezzlement or a thief you get a common theme. "I felt the company owed it to me" or "I deserved to be paid more". Thats how they justify their acts.

 

In an affair it seems like a common theme is "I wasn't in love anymore" or "the spark was gone" so I deserved to have sex with the AP. I needed the high of the excitement because it wasn't in my marriage, etc. This is the Justification in the fantasy that makes it ok or usable for lack of a better term. The problem is the affair is hidden and that excuse works until discovery or the truth comes out. An affair trumps everything at the time. Spouse, family, etc not much else matters. It's the focal point for most I think. Some have called it a distraction from everyday life, etc.

 

No marriage is perfect no spouse is perfect. Anyone who's married for a period of time doesn't have the constant butterflies like when dating or newly married. An affair seems easier than working or putting time/effort into the marriage. Definitely more exciting. Perhaps that's why this route gets chosen so often.

 

The trap of an affair is the excitement makes everything high intensity. The fantasy that doesn't last except for a period of time. The ultimate high. No day to day life to interfere in the fantasy. It's all good until it isn't. Much like any addiction afterwards it's a huge withdrawal, now a big void because the spouse and family, etc are withdrawn or distant. Now the work begins to fill in the vaccum the Xaffair has left.

 

I'm not sure if that fits your situation of "why".......

 

It actually does, a lot. Thank you.

[deadsoul]

Those feelings are normal...

 

Let's look at the good things you have done. You confessed a horrible thing to your husband, I think because you could not live with yourself and because you loved your husband enough to lose him. Both of those are good things. As a way to recover from what you have done, they were completely necessary.

 

The inadequate feeling that you are having are also normal. I mean look what you have done. You know how bad it was. However, you had the courage to turn it around. You are grieving what you have done, you hate what you have done to your husband, these feelings are reasonable.

 

But you can't focus on them. All you can try to do is win back your husband. Win back your family.

 

As far as the "in love" or "love" thing. People really debate that a lot. I really don't feel that way though. I think you love or don't love.

 

You just need to keep doing the best you can. I can tell you that if your husband lets you back into his heart, your love feelings will grow.

 

Because if someone can get there after this type of betrayal, they love you for sure. However it works out, you can know that you are doing the right thing.

 

Thank you for this... you know, no matter what you are going through in your own life, you always take the time to give me words I need to read and think about. I appreciate that.

[deadsoul]

I read some and skimmed some of this thread...

 

deadsoul, I believe you ARE remorseful and it is evident from your posts.

 

Your statements of --- if I loved him, I wouldn't have cheated.....I don't believe that your love for him played a part in this. Let me try to explain MY views...

 

marriage has ups and downs. There isn't the constant butterflies that are there in a new relationship. Butterflies are replaced with a more deep feeling. Like instead of a burning hot fire, it is a smoldering, constant fire. The love is there, it just isn't that in-your-face, must-have-sex-right-now, love. Bills, kids, chores, work -- all of those things play a role in the marriage. People become more 'real' -- what I mean by that is your period panties aren't hidden deep in the drawer anymore, your spouse has seen them and probably even folded them. You become more comfortable with your spouse the more time that goes by.

 

Then, someone shows you attention - flirts with you. The butterflies start. It is NEW, it is fresh, he hasn't seen the period panties. Its different. Then it happened. And now you are where you are.

 

I am not saying this is how it always happens; I am saying this is a way it happens. Not every married person cheats. Sometimes, life throws curve balls and **** happens.

 

To me, it had not a damn thing to do with your love for your spouse. I had a physically abusive spouse, and I hated him. But I didn't cheat on him. I chose to divorce him instead. No one would have blamed me for cheating on him, but I didn't do it. Your decision to have an affair to ME doesn't have to do with your spouse or your love for him. It had to do with you.

 

The most telling thing about you is that you chose to confess, which I think shows your true character. You could have taken the easy way and hid it forever. yes, I think that is the easy way. But instead, you chose to be honest with your husband - giving him a chance to decide if he wants to forgive you or not. That is hands down one of the kindest things you could have done to him. You couldn't undo the fact that you cheated but you owned it and told the truth and not because you were caught. THAT shows who you are.

 

Keep communicating, keep working on you.

 

Thank you for this. Your period panties comment wins the internet today. Thank you. I do know I did the right thing confessing. It was hard. But I'm glad I did it. I wish I didn't have to, but I knew I couldn't fix this if I kept it hidden.