I confessed

[Marc878]

DS,

 

What you've done by your current actions is given yourself a chance.

 

Trying to overcome this by yourself and dragging all that baggage along alone I'm not sure you'd have been successful. You may have just "gotten by". Now you can reach out for help/guidance. Most people are willing to "lend a hand".

 

Now you have the ability of not letting your past choices define you and it shouldn't.

 

You can build on what you've destroyed because you leveled or purged that old shaky foundation. Your children can learn a great deal from you. They will have their flaws/issues to deal with. However, your handling things can become an example to them. It may not seem like that now but it will develope over time.

 

I've learned more from bad managers than good ones. Learn from this you can't ever undo the past. At some point you'll need to put that all behind you and keep it where it belongs. In the past.

 

It's still early and you have a hard road ahead but there is light at the end of the tunnel where there wasn't before.

[deadsoul]

Hi deadsoul, so how are you doing these last few days? I think Owl and Mr. Blunt have had very valid suggestions to make. Marc's post too, was very illuminating. If you have been doing any reading( which I'm sure you have been) then there is a book you could read as an ancillary to everything else. The title of the book is " Heaven is for Real" by Pastor Todd Burpo. It is the story of his son Colton who had a near death experience when he was only about three or four years old. During his NDE he visited a place he described as Heaven. The book talks about many things but it also brings out how God loves us all warts and everything and for anyone who is undergoing a crisis of faith in God or in oneself, it is a book that renews one's faith in the overall love that God has for all of us. It is a book that may ressurect the dead in your soul and bring it to life. By the way, Souls are never dead. Only our bodies die but our souls live on. Your choice of your moniker is curious! Hope you continue healing and come out the other side a ressurected Soul! Warm wishes.

 

Thank you. I am not a religious person. I do believe there is something out there bigger than me. But my views could probably start a whole debate/argument, so I'm going to keep them to myself I will say I respect all religions and beliefs as long as they aren't used to hurt or judge against people who don't share those beliefs.

 

My moniker is tribute to Nine Inch Nails. I'm listening to them a lot lately.

[Owl6118]

My moniker is tribute to Nine Inch Nails. I'm listening to them a lot lately.[/quote

 

 

"I hurt myself today / to see if I still feel." Heh. Yeah.

[deadsoul]

My moniker is tribute to Nine Inch Nails. I'm listening to them a lot lately.[/quote

 

 

"I hurt myself today / to see if I still feel." Heh. Yeah.

 

One of my favorite songs.

 

I wear this crown of thorns

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time

The feelings disappear

You are someone else

I am still right here

[deadsoul]

by the way, that should say, "I wear this crown of ****"

 

another... I had to google these... because I'm too lazy to type

 

"The Fragile"

 

she shines

in a world full of ugliness

she matters when everything is meaningless

 

fragile

she doesn't see her beauty

she tries to get away

sometimes

it's just that nothing seems worth saving

I can't watch her slip away

 

I won't let you fall apart

 

she reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by

hoping someone can see

if I could fix myseld I'd - but it's too late for me

 

I wont let you fall apart

 

we'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide

I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side

...but they keep waiting

...and picking...

 

it's something I have to do

I was there, too

before everything else

I was like you

Edited March 5, 2017 by deadsoul

[understand50]

Deadsoul,

 

Several things, but I want to go over your thought that maybe you should leave and divorce your husband, as because you really do love him, you feel that you have caused him and the family such pain they all would just be better off with out you. I think this is the worst thing you can do, and is on a par with you cheating in the first place. When you cheated you took everything from your husband, by just leaving because you feel you are not good enough and want to spare him, you would be again taking from your husband again. You would not be letting him decide what he needs from you. He may decide later to divorce, but let him make that decision, have the love in your heart to allow him to control that. I have given my take on remorse, and I think it fits you to a T.

 

Remorse, true remorse, in the context of infidelity, or any action(s) that you have done to grievously wound your spouse, child or other family members, is the ability to look beyond yourself, your well being, and your own interests and feel the pain and hurt caused by your actions, and in so doing, begin to try and make things right to restore trust in an relationship. It is allowing the injured person to select what they need to heal, from you, and for you to supply it to the best of your understanding and ability. At it core, you place their needs above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. You must lastly become an open book, and live mutually transparent with them.

 

You will feel better, you will heal, if you now allow your husband to decide what he needs from you to heal himself. Please allow him this.

 

You feeling of "how could I love my husband when allowed myself to engage in this with another man. I still have some warm feeling for him, and for what we did." Of course you do. You were intimate with him, shared your body and part of yourself with him. Of course you may allways have some good feeling. I do not think the love is a binary thing. We humans can love more them one at the same time. What sets our spouse apart, is our commitment to them. You allowed your own needs to over ride your commitment to your husband, does not mean you hated him, or did not love him. It means that during this time you forgot your morals, and did evil. You are not the only one, and will not be the last. What can set you apart, is knowing you did wrong and working to try and make things right, and allow your husband and family the gift to continue on with the wife and mom they do love. Even in the end, if your husband divorces you, you are the mother of his children, and some love from the past will remain. Work on putting your AP in the place he belongs, a mistake, and evil thing you allowed yourself to do, and will no longer allow yourself to do in the future. We all have blemishes on our souls, but we can redeem ourself's if we allow the better part of our nature to control our future.

 

You had love for your husband and family, that is why you have the courage to confess, and try and make things right. You will have doubts, that is normal and being human, but dig deep and bring up your courage to face the future what ever it brings you and stay the course. Show your love for your husband by allowing him to decide what he needs from you.

 

As always I wish you luck.....

[Simoo]

Deadsoul, how r things going in the house ?tell is a little bit more about ur husband's feelings, reactions, what questions did he ask ? If he asks really intimate questions about what happened with OM would/did you answer them ? do ur kids know what's happening? and how they doing ? And what do u mean when u say ur family's look on u changed? I know it's a lot of questions, but I would really like to know the aftermath not only on u but on everyone else.

[Owl6118]

 

One of my favorite songs.

 

I wear this crown of thorns

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time

The feelings disappear

You are someone else

I am still right here

 

I like Trent's version. But as an aging white man Johnnie Cash's amazing cover speaks to me as well.

[drifter777]

 

One of my favorite songs.

 

I wear this crown of thorns

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time

The feelings disappear

You are someone else

I am still right here

 

What does this mean?

[Cephalopod]

I do not believe you do not love your husband. You loved him enough, or at least had enough regard for him to give him the truth and the chance to make a choice for himself.

 

Maybe there might be enough tinder left to re-stoke the flame?

 

I think as long he is willing, you need to give your marriage every chance you can. Right now you are still foggy. Give it some more time.

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul,

 

Several things, but I want to go over your thought that maybe you should leave and divorce your husband, as because you really do love him, you feel that you have caused him and the family such pain they all would just be better off with out you. I think this is the worst thing you can do, and is on a par with you cheating in the first place. When you cheated you took everything from your husband, by just leaving because you feel you are not good enough and want to spare him, you would be again taking from your husband again. You would not be letting him decide what he needs from you. He may decide later to divorce, but let him make that decision, have the love in your heart to allow him to control that. I have given my take on remorse, and I think it fits you to a T.

 

Remorse, true remorse, in the context of infidelity, or any action(s) that you have done to grievously wound your spouse, child or other family members, is the ability to look beyond yourself, your well being, and your own interests and feel the pain and hurt caused by your actions, and in so doing, begin to try and make things right to restore trust in an relationship. It is allowing the injured person to select what they need to heal, from you, and for you to supply it to the best of your understanding and ability. At it core, you place their needs above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. You must lastly become an open book, and live mutually transparent with them.

 

You will feel better, you will heal, if you now allow your husband to decide what he needs from you to heal himself. Please allow him this.

 

You feeling of "how could I love my husband when allowed myself to engage in this with another man. I still have some warm feeling for him, and for what we did." Of course you do. You were intimate with him, shared your body and part of yourself with him. Of course you may allways have some good feeling. I do not think the love is a binary thing. We humans can love more them one at the same time. What sets our spouse apart, is our commitment to them. You allowed your own needs to over ride your commitment to your husband, does not mean you hated him, or did not love him. It means that during this time you forgot your morals, and did evil. You are not the only one, and will not be the last. What can set you apart, is knowing you did wrong and working to try and make things right, and allow your husband and family the gift to continue on with the wife and mom they do love. Even in the end, if your husband divorces you, you are the mother of his children, and some love from the past will remain. Work on putting your AP in the place he belongs, a mistake, and evil thing you allowed yourself to do, and will no longer allow yourself to do in the future. We all have blemishes on our souls, but we can redeem ourself's if we allow the better part of our nature to control our future.

 

You had love for your husband and family, that is why you have the courage to confess, and try and make things right. You will have doubts, that is normal and being human, but dig deep and bring up your courage to face the future what ever it brings you and stay the course. Show your love for your husband by allowing him to decide what he needs from you.

 

As always I wish you luck.....

 

Thank you. I've read this a couple times now and it helps.

[deadsoul]

I do not believe you do not love your husband. You loved him enough, or at least had enough regard for him to give him the truth and the chance to make a choice for himself.

 

Maybe there might be enough tinder left to re-stoke the flame?

 

I think as long he is willing, you need to give your marriage every chance you can. Right now you are still foggy. Give it some more time.

 

Thanks... yes, we are both giving it time. He still is on the fence about R and I completely understand that... He asked me if I would forgive him and move past it if it had been the opposite. I hope I would. But I answered him honestly and said I didn't know if I could. So I guess I understand if he can't.

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul, how r things going in the house ?tell is a little bit more about ur husband's feelings, reactions, what questions did he ask ? If he asks really intimate questions about what happened with OM would/did you answer them ? do ur kids know what's happening? and how they doing ? And what do u mean when u say ur family's look on u changed? I know it's a lot of questions, but I would really like to know the aftermath not only on u but on everyone else.

 

BH asks very few questions. I'm still prepared for him wanting to know and have told him anything he wants to know, be prepared for the truth because he may hear some things he doesn't want to hear. Yes, I would answer those questions. It would be really hard to do, but if he wants to know and if that will help him in his healing, then he deserves the truth to any question he asks. Yes, unfortunately my kids know everything. They know too much and that wasn't by my choice/doing. They are struggling with that. They all look at me different. One has admitted not trusting me now. It's hard to hear that, but understandable. Friends have been told that I wish didn't know, but I have to live with that too. I have to live with a lot of consequences these days and I take them because I have to make sure I truly understand how much I hurt the people I love in order to not make those mistakes again.

 

The aftermath on everyone else is tough. I caused it all, so I get to live with that. The analogy that I set my whole life on fire and now we are all trying to recover/rebuild really fits. Everything is scorched right now.

 

We have reassured the kids that we are still their parents, we still love them very much and we are working through our issues the best we can. They are teenagers, so they get that.

 

I hope I answered everything. It's been a month. There are bad days and not so bad days. But I take each one at a time. That's all I can do.

[Marc878]

That's something in the heat of an affair that's never thought about. Discovery or in your case confession. Once it's out you have no control over where it goes.

[Marc878]

It will dissipate over time. But will always linger in the background.

 

Your future actions will help the situation. Kids rejuvenate quickly and did not get the full force of this so they will come around in time.

 

You're doing well and all the right things.

[road]

BH asks very few questions. I'm still prepared for him wanting to know and have told him anything he wants to know, be prepared for the truth because he may hear some things he doesn't want to hear. Yes, I would answer those questions. It would be really hard to do, but if he wants to know and if that will help him in his healing, then he deserves the truth to any question he asks. Yes, unfortunately my kids know everything. They know too much and that wasn't by my choice/doing. They are struggling with that. They all look at me different. One has admitted not trusting me now. It's hard to hear that, but understandable. Friends have been told that I wish didn't know, but I have to live with that too. I have to live with a lot of consequences these days and I take them because I have to make sure I truly understand how much I hurt the people I love in order to not make those mistakes again.

 

The aftermath on everyone else is tough. I caused it all, so I get to live with that. The analogy that I set my whole life on fire and now we are all trying to recover/rebuild really fits. Everything is scorched right now.

 

We have reassured the kids that we are still their parents, we still love them very much and we are working through our issues the best we can. They are teenagers, so they get that.

 

I hope I answered everything. It's been a month. There are bad days and not so bad days. But I take each one at a time. That's all I can do.

 

 

 

This is why many marriages need to move far away for a fresh a start

after an affair for their marriage to recover.

 

 

Have you thought about doing this?

 

 

Ask your BH and see what he thinks.

[deadsoul]

This is why many marriages need to move far away for a fresh a start

after an affair for their marriage to recover.

 

 

Have you thought about doing this?

 

 

Ask your BH and see what he thinks.

 

He wanted me to leave originally and I refused. I am not leaving.

 

Something those in active affairs should try to put in their heads because this will probably be said to you:

"You made the whole (time of affair) of our lives a lie."

 

He's right.

[Cephalopod]

He wanted me to leave originally and I refused. I am not leaving.

 

Something those in active affairs should try to put in their heads because this will probably be said to you:

"You made the whole (time of affair) of our lives a lie."

 

He's right.

 

If I'm not mistaken, I think road actually meant the two of you and your family pulling up roots and moving somewhere else together as a fresh start.

 

But I would imagine that is too early right now. DDay is still fresh and only a few weeks ago.

 

Right now you are still in the emergency room trying to stop his bleeding.

[Simoo]

I'm sorry about everything that happened, but I think ur main focus should be ur kids right now, cuz as u said they're teens, that means they understand everything that's going on, and im sorry to say this but it's really tough on them especially if it's spread among the entourage or school, and i wanted to ask : what would you do if ur H doesn't want to reconcile ? If he begins dating other women ? will you move on as quick with someone else or sleep with some rebound guy ? sorry again if the questions r too personal.

[merrmeade]

He wanted me to leave originally and I refused. I am not leaving.

 

Something those in active affairs should try to put in their heads because this will probably be said to you:

"You made the whole (time of affair) of our lives a lie."

 

He's right.

It's very good you understand this. We did not all get this from our wayward spouses. Be sure you are communicating that you understand. The easiest way is simply to say that you understand x by rephrasing in briefly but in your words what it is "he's right" about. This would have been so helpful for me. It puts him first.

 

The other thing is to be open to his questions and learning how much he wants to know and how much may be too much. The truth. If you're not hiding anything more, it will be obvious and will go a long, long way.

[deadsoul]

I'm sorry about everything that happened, but I think ur main focus should be ur kids right now, cuz as u said they're teens, that means they understand everything that's going on, and im sorry to say this but it's really tough on them especially if it's spread among the entourage or school, and i wanted to ask : what would you do if ur H doesn't want to reconcile ? If he begins dating other women ? will you move on as quick with someone else or sleep with some rebound guy ? sorry again if the questions r too personal.

 

If we decide not to reconcile, I hope to make the whole D process as amicable as possible. I think that's important for the kids. I don't want to know if he's dating other women. No. I will not move on to someone else. I want to find happiness within before I let someone else into my crazy again.

[deadsoul]

It's very good you understand this. We did not all get this from our wayward spouses. Be sure you are communicating that you understand. The easiest way is simply to say that you understand x by rephrasing in briefly but in your words what it is "he's right" about. This would have been so helpful for me. It puts him first.

 

The other thing is to be open to his questions and learning how much he wants to know and how much may be too much. The truth. If you're not hiding anything more, it will be obvious and will go a long, long way.

 

It hurt me a lot that he said that. And I "used my words" and told him while he was right, it hurt a lot to hear that. So there was a lot of conversation around that. Anything he's asked, I've told him. If I don't have an answer, I tell him that too. Or I ask if I can think about it before I respond. Or sometimes I respond and tell him I've thought more about it and add or amend what I've said. But no lies.

[merrmeade]

It hurt me a lot that he said that. And I "used my words" and told him while he was right, it hurt a lot to hear that. So there was a lot of conversation around that. Anything he's asked, I've told him. If I don't have an answer, I tell him that too. Or I ask if I can think about it before I respond. Or sometimes I respond and tell him I've thought more about it and add or amend what I've said. But no lies.

Sounds like you're doing everything you can and should be doing. Much more than my husband could or would. But one thing he did have - was commitment to simply keep going (and mine).

 

We'd often end our talking sessions with some new detail followed by an angry outburst from him. He couldn't handle opening up or shining a light on his failures (in his mind) and the next day would be extra sweet and attentive. He'd try to make it up in actions. I'd rather he'd been like you, but his actions showed commitment to make it up to me in the long run. IC would have helped him but that's another story.

 

Your husband is still dealing with the trauma and trust issues. The only way you can show him that he can trust you is to show that you accept his doubt as a natural consequence to what happened and stay committed to reconciliation whatever or however long it takes. That is a "long-run" scenario. In other words, it may take him a long time. But you did cause it, and I hope you have what it takes to stick with it no matter how many hundred times he rejects you or isn't ready to trust.

[Marc878]

You're still there. How's it going?

[deadsoul]

You're still there. How's it going?

 

It's going. Thanks for asking. Doing IC and MC and just taking a day at a time. No decisions have been made, and I'm grateful for that.