I confessed

[Owl6118]

I think you know this already, as you have written more than once about going back to your thread and rereading and seeing some posts in a new light with time and distance. But take it all as grist for your mill.

 

Set aside the emotions and cast it as data. When a poster attributes a motive to you that you violently disagree with, you can always just say "Some people report they perceived X action in Y way." Maybe it will apply to you or your husband, maybe it won't. But it's all data.

 

Sometimes your husband indeed won't feel that way, or you won't.

 

Sometimes you will have received a valuable tip to a feeling or reaction he may have that you would not have expected or would have seemed counterintuitive, but you'll handle it better for having been forewarned.

 

Maybe most often it will spark a train of thought like "No, he's totally not that way, but he is THIS way, and I only perceive that by being forced to think about why he isn't that way." Like with the 'is he possessive' question. Ok, maybe he's not and still won't be possessive. But what IS he by contrast, that gives a sense of where his pride or certainty or whatever is wounded, so that you can be empathetic to whatever his specific worst wounds are.

 

It's all grist for your mill.

[Cephalopod]

I'm not a counselor so I can't always provide uplifting words of positive encouragement. I'm just a guy who picked a bad person to marry and I learned hard lessons from that experience. One lesson i learned the hard way is that a person can be manipulative without being aware that they are.

 

OP your saving grace is that you are regretful for what you did. My ex was never regretful, remorseful or truly sorry. She would go on about what a POS she was and that she was not worthy of forgiveness. By saying that she was a loser and not worthy of forgiveness, what she was really doing was giving herself an out. Since she was convinced that I would never forgive her, she gave herself permission to dive into her depravity with no more guilt.

 

I'm not comparing you to my ex. I'm pointing out to you what I perceive as wrongful and destructive to your progress. Now is not the time to focus on his willingness to forgive you. Let go of the outcome and work on what you can work on.

[DKT3]

These things are extremely difficult as a BS....I recall thinking "if only I could hate her it would be so much easier" but I didn't, I would find myself doing nice things then being pissed at myself for doing them in turn lashing out in anger at her. If only I could hate her.

 

My point in sharing that is you can't get too high or too low based on his behavior or words at this point. He is involved in a battle within, wishing he could hate you but no matter how hard he gets he can't stop caring. This is where the WS can really help. Show empathy, do not be defensive in the face of his angry, a lot of times you can defuse his anger by acknowledgement of his pain and how your actions caused it. Today he may view you as a list of horrible names and want a divorce, tomorrow he can't view his life without you and want to make love all day, the Wednesday back to you being that list again. In the eye of that, as hard as it maybe you have to be stable and consistent. Remember, it's still not a reason to accept abuse or give up your voice...

[understand50]

Deadsoul,

 

You husband may go out and seek an affair. It happens, but it also depends on your husband. He may not. That you are worried, is normal. You, as in all the rest of this, will have to wait and see. I am sure the MC will point out that his actions could be the final break, and he should think about what he is doing.

 

You can point that out too, just because you went bad, does not give him leave to. The old saying two wrongs do not make a right is correct. From what you wrote, it seems that he is going or will go to MC, that you two are talking and these are good signs. So I have some hope your you and yours, and I think you are doing better then you know. You two have gotten past the first shock, and that is a good thing. This will take a long time and have many twist and turns, just remember to stay committed, and go in for the long haul. It took my wife and I nearly 30 years and her financial infidelity, for us to really talk out all our issues. This will be a ongoing thing, along with all the other marriage stuff that comes up. I hope your husband is also working on your marriage. If so that will be a good sign.

 

I want you to keeping mind, that although you have strayed, it does not give your husband or anyone else the right to abuse you. Mentally or physically it does not matter. The idea that the BS can and must go out and try and right the scales is false. He has the same vows as always, and needs to keep them if he wants to keep the marriage. If he feels he must step out, he needs to divorce. Do not accept bad treatment, as reconciliation, true reconciliation is the reestablishment of love, respect and trust in the marriage. This is from both of your. It will be a work in progress for a time, but both should expect a certain amount of respect and support, because you are husband and wife.

 

This is all hard work, and it is for both of you. Him not working hard, is just as bad as if you did not try and understand remorse. I think that in a successful reconciliation, both become partners in the process, and that helps you both becomes true and full partners in the marriage once again.

 

I wish you luck......

[deadsoul]

I'm not a counselor so I can't always provide uplifting words of positive encouragement. I'm just a guy who picked a bad person to marry and I learned hard lessons from that experience. One lesson i learned the hard way is that a person can be manipulative without being aware that they are.

 

OP your saving grace is that you are regretful for what you did. My ex was never regretful, remorseful or truly sorry. She would go on about what a POS she was and that she was not worthy of forgiveness. By saying that she was a loser and not worthy of forgiveness, what she was really doing was giving herself an out. Since she was convinced that I would never forgive her, she gave herself permission to dive into her depravity with no more guilt.

 

I'm not comparing you to my ex. I'm pointing out to you what I perceive as wrongful and destructive to your progress. Now is not the time to focus on his willingness to forgive you. Let go of the outcome and work on what you can work on.

 

Now that you've said this, I can see your point more and where you're coming from. And I can see how it is perceived as manipulation now. I'm only talking about forgiveness now because one of my "homework assignments" in my IC is to forgive myself. How can I forgive myself? I can't. How can I expect him to forgive me down the road when I can't forgive myself? I'm truly not giving myself an out. I can see now how it is perceived this way. The difference between me and your ex maybe is that I DO feel extreme guilt and extreme regret. I am not saying this to be a martyr. I truly, truly feel this way so it really hurt me when you said I was being manipulative. But now that it's not 2 in the morning, I can approach your comments with more rationality than I could this morning when I was having a bit of a pity party for one because I'm not sleeping.

 

None of this is going to be easy. And I know I'm going to make mistakes as I try to do the right thing. The thing I like about this board is you all have different experiences and it helps me to see different points of view so I can learn. I'm trying to "grow up" and be a better person and make better choices. That's why I'm here.

[deadsoul]

These things are extremely difficult as a BS....I recall thinking "if only I could hate her it would be so much easier" but I didn't, I would find myself doing nice things then being pissed at myself for doing them in turn lashing out in anger at her. If only I could hate her.

 

My point in sharing that is you can't get too high or too low based on his behavior or words at this point. He is involved in a battle within, wishing he could hate you but no matter how hard he gets he can't stop caring. This is where the WS can really help. Show empathy, do not be defensive in the face of his angry, a lot of times you can defuse his anger by acknowledgement of his pain and how your actions caused it. Today he may view you as a list of horrible names and want a divorce, tomorrow he can't view his life without you and want to make love all day, the Wednesday back to you being that list again. In the eye of that, as hard as it maybe you have to be stable and consistent. Remember, it's still not a reason to accept abuse or give up your voice...

 

Thank you for this. There are so many highs and lows right now with him and with me. I'm trying really hard to be assertive. He's trying really hard to do the right thing and I can see that.

[deadsoul]

I think you know this already, as you have written more than once about going back to your thread and rereading and seeing some posts in a new light with time and distance. But take it all as grist for your mill.

 

Set aside the emotions and cast it as data. When a poster attributes a motive to you that you violently disagree with, you can always just say "Some people report they perceived X action in Y way." Maybe it will apply to you or your husband, maybe it won't. But it's all data.

 

Sometimes your husband indeed won't feel that way, or you won't.

 

Sometimes you will have received a valuable tip to a feeling or reaction he may have that you would not have expected or would have seemed counterintuitive, but you'll handle it better for having been forewarned.

 

Maybe most often it will spark a train of thought like "No, he's totally not that way, but he is THIS way, and I only perceive that by being forced to think about why he isn't that way." Like with the 'is he possessive' question. Ok, maybe he's not and still won't be possessive. But what IS he by contrast, that gives a sense of where his pride or certainty or whatever is wounded, so that you can be empathetic to whatever his specific worst wounds are.

 

It's all grist for your mill.

 

Thank you. I'm an extremely emotional person and I have to learn to stop and think because I do have a rational side when my stupid emotions don't get in the way.

[deadsoul]

I truly don't think you were being manipulative but Cephalopod has a bit of a point here. Look chances are your hubby won't forgive you for a while even if he says he does he doesn't. He probably doesn't even understand the full

Force of the emotions and all that forgiveness will entail. But when the day comes thAt he does forgive you then you let him whether you forgive you or not. You are no longer allowed to tell him what he should or shouldn't feel based on your actions you allow him to feel all of this even forgiveness it is his right. What you can do is tell him how you feel and that you don't feel worthy of his forgiveness but you want to. You tell him you are trying to figure out how to be that person who deserves him and one day you want to feel that you have eArned what he is willlng to offer you.

 

You will figure this out as you go. You won't be perfect in this but we are human and that is okay. You will make mistakes but own them and move forward . You may not have the words today but maybe you will tomorrow .. Rome wasn't built in a day but thr fact that your hubby is there tells me he wants to rebuild it

Together.

 

Thank you. This post is one of them that allowed me to look closer at his comment and see his point.

[deadsoul]

Closing in on 2 months out from D-day for me, and I'd have to say, I hope you're wrong. This is all going to depend on individual situations, of course, but I can feel myself changing my view towards the A. I'm pretty confident that I'm going to be able to forgive. But, no, I'm never going to forget D-day, reading those e-mails between them for the first time, putting the timeline together, her lying to my face and me telling her to "pack up her stuff and get out". That will always be there.

 

But (and this is my reason for posting), in my eyes, I have to come to view the A as simply "another partner" that my wife had before we were married. Yes, I know that's not what it really was, but, at the end of the day, that's what it really IS right now. She slept with another man and her "count" is one higher than I knew it was before. That's the only way I can see myself getting past it, not lying to myself, but putting it into the same box I put all her other past boyfriends; "Yup, she slept with them, but she chose me".

 

For me, it's the lies that will take longer to fade. Because I never, NEVER, viewed my wife as a liar. And she is (or was), and was pretty adept at it. That's a part of her I never knew existed, and it has to be (IMHO) integrated into my viewpoint of who she is as a person. And I don't know how to do it; it's hard to take 2 totally conflicting views and put them together about a single person.

 

I've read a little of your thread. I need to go back and read some more.

[HeCantBreakMe]

These things are extremely difficult as a BS....I recall thinking "if only I could hate her it would be so much easier" but I didn't, I would find myself doing nice things then being pissed at myself for doing them in turn lashing out in anger at her. If only I could hate her.

 

My point in sharing that is you can't get too high or too low based on his behavior or words at this point. He is involved in a battle within, wishing he could hate you but no matter how hard he gets he can't stop caring. This is where the WS can really help. Show empathy, do not be defensive in the face of his angry, a lot of times you can defuse his anger by acknowledgement of his pain and how your actions caused it. Today he may view you as a list of horrible names and want a divorce, tomorrow he can't view his life without you and want to make love all day, the Wednesday back to you being that list again. In the eye of that, as hard as it maybe you have to be stable and consistent. Remember, it's still not a reason to accept abuse or give up your voice...

 

My husband said the same exact thing to me.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Now that you've said this, I can see your point more and where you're coming from. And I can see how it is perceived as manipulation now. I'm only talking about forgiveness now because one of my "homework assignments" in my IC is to forgive myself. How can I forgive myself? I can't. How can I expect him to forgive me down the road when I can't forgive myself? I'm truly not giving myself an out. I can see now how it is perceived this way. The difference between me and your ex maybe is that I DO feel extreme guilt and extreme regret. I am not saying this to be a martyr. I truly, truly feel this way so it really hurt me when you said I was being manipulative. But now that it's not 2 in the morning, I can approach your comments with more rationality than I could this morning when I was having a bit of a pity party for one because I'm not sleeping.

 

None of this is going to be easy. And I know I'm going to make mistakes as I try to do the right thing. The thing I like about this board is you all have different experiences and it helps me to see different points of view so I can learn. I'm trying to "grow up" and be a better person and make better choices. That's why I'm here.

 

I think forgiveness is one of those things that is a lot like love- it is a verb and something you do daily. You choose to love your spouse just like you choose to forgive him much like you choose to forgive and love yourself. Some days it is harder to do that and some days may seem easier. But if you wake up every day and you look in the mirror and you forgive yourself and you love yourself then your actions will reflect those changes. You need to 'earn' your own forgiveness much like you need to earn his. Right now you may not feel you deserve forgiveness because you are still hurting too, or thinking about the OM - I get this it is a torn feeling inside.

 

You will start learning how to control your thoughts the further you get away from the affair and the more your actions prove not just to him but to yourself that you are a spouse worthy of forgiveness and love then you will start feeling worthy of it yourself.

 

I guess in my roundabout way i am saying - the forgiveness will come from both him and yourself but like everything on here 'it just takes time' (oh and of course the right action behind it).

[Cephalopod]

Deadsoul what you did was the emotional equivalent of shooting your husband in the chest with a .44 magnum. He's bleeding out.

 

He is not ready for marriage counseling. Right now what he needs is IC for grief and PTSD. He needs a counselor who is an expert in grief counseling and trauma therapy to help him navigate through the intense emotional upheavals that are wracking through him.

 

See, when a person is shot they are taken to the emergency room to fix the wound and stop the bleeding. Once they are stabilized they are moved into IC to be watched and cared for constantly 24/7. Then, when they are in the clear, they are moved to a patient room to finish their healing until they are well enough to go home. Then later they might have to come back for physical therapy.

 

Asking your husband to go to MC right now is like asking a person who who was just brought in to the ER to skip intensive care and bedrest and go straight to physical therapy.

 

He isn't ready for marriage counseling. He is in no emotional or psychological condition to be looking for the why's and wherefores of why the marriage was so bad that you thought it necessary to go out and have an affair. That is for waaaaay down the road. Right now he needs intensive care from a professional who can help him navigate his pain.

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul what you did was the emotional equivalent of shooting your husband in the chest with a .44 magnum. He's bleeding out.

 

He is not ready for marriage counseling. Right now what he needs is IC for grief and PTSD. He needs a counselor who is an expert in grief counseling and trauma therapy to help him navigate through the intense emotional upheavals that are wracking through him.

 

See, when a person is shot they are taken to the emergency room to fix the wound and stop the bleeding. Once they are stabilized they are moved into IC to be watched and cared for constantly 24/7. Then, when they are in the clear, they are moved to a patient room to finish their healing until they are well enough to go home. Then later they might have to come back for physical therapy.

 

Asking your husband to go to MC right now is like asking a person who who was just brought in to the ER to skip intensive care and bedrest and go straight to physical therapy.

 

He isn't ready for marriage counseling. He is in no emotional or psychological condition to be looking for the why's and wherefores of why the marriage was so bad that you thought it necessary to go out and have an affair. That is for waaaaay down the road. Right now he needs intensive care from a professional who can help him navigate his pain.

 

He's going to IC and wants the MC. When I first confessed, I told him when he was ready, I really wanted to go to MC to try to fix it. He came to me a few days later and asked me to set it up. So I did.

[Birdies]

Now that you've said this, I can see your point more and where you're coming from. And I can see how it is perceived as manipulation now. I'm only talking about forgiveness now because one of my "homework assignments" in my IC is to forgive myself. How can I forgive myself? I can't. How can I expect him to forgive me down the road when I can't forgive myself? I'm truly not giving myself an out. I can see now how it is perceived this way. The difference between me and your ex maybe is that I DO feel extreme guilt and extreme regret. I am not saying this to be a martyr. I truly, truly feel this way so it really hurt me when you said I was being manipulative. But now that it's not 2 in the morning, I can approach your comments with more rationality than I could this morning when I was having a bit of a pity party for one because I'm not sleeping.

 

None of this is going to be easy. And I know I'm going to make mistakes as I try to do the right thing. The thing I like about this board is you all have different experiences and it helps me to see different points of view so I can learn. I'm trying to "grow up" and be a better person and make better choices. That's why I'm here.

 

I know exactly what you mean - it's very difficult to reconcile your perception of yourself as a good person, with the knowledge that you willfully made a million different decisions that all deeply hurt the person you love most in the world. I don't know that I will ever be able to truly forgive myself either, even though my exH has told me that he forgives me and he wants me to forgive myself too.

 

In my experience, the best way to get close to that point of self-forgiveness is to act with as much integrity and kindness as you can, from this point forward. To recognize the selfishness and cruelty of your actions and trying to make up for them, rather than rugsweep or justify. It helps. It sounds like you're doing that - so keep it up. This shlt isn't easy for anyone.

[Cephalopod]

He's going to IC and wants the MC. When I first confessed, I told him when he was ready, I really wanted to go to MC to try to fix it. He came to me a few days later and asked me to set it up. So I did.

 

That's good.

[DKT3]

Deadsoul what you did was the emotional equivalent of shooting your husband in the chest with a .44 magnum. He's bleeding out.

 

He is not ready for marriage counseling. Right now what he needs is IC for grief and PTSD. He needs a counselor who is an expert in grief counseling and trauma therapy to help him navigate through the intense emotional upheavals that are wracking through him.

 

See, when a person is shot they are taken to the emergency room to fix the wound and stop the bleeding. Once they are stabilized they are moved into IC to be watched and cared for constantly 24/7. Then, when they are in the clear, they are moved to a patient room to finish their healing until they are well enough to go home. Then later they might have to come back for physical therapy.

 

Asking your husband to go to MC right now is like asking a person who who was just brought in to the ER to skip intensive care and bedrest and go straight to physical therapy.

 

He isn't ready for marriage counseling. He is in no emotional or psychological condition to be looking for the why's and wherefores of why the marriage was so bad that you thought it necessary to go out and have an affair. That is for waaaaay down the road. Right now he needs intensive care from a professional who can help him navigate his pain.

 

I second the not ready part....We tried before I was ready, before she was being honest with me and it was aweful. Most therapist will tend to do a big picture thing but I was no where near ready to hear or talk about her anger and resentment. I was undecided as to my future plans or goals in terms of her and the marriage. Now here I'm sitting with two people telling me I'm a jackazz. (Never mind that I actually was, had to recognize that later at my pace). It only solidified my decision to get out.

 

If for both, MC once he has determined which direction he wants to go. This takes 100% commitment from both, anything less is a waste of time.

[Cephalopod]

And make sure whatever MC you get, that person must hold you accountable for your screw-ups, and not start doing the blame-game on your husband. The minute that happens you need to stand up and say "this session is over. You're fired" and grab hubby and walk out.

 

A good MC will hold both of you accountable, not take excuses or crap from either one of you, give you homework, and expect you both to participate fully in the healing process.

[harrybrown]

Deadsoul-

 

I am usually hoping for R if it can work.

 

You may not be glad that you told, but in the relationship, that was a good big step to take.

 

Sorry your H is in such pain.

 

Keep up the good work.

 

Hope you are able to find some happiness with your H.

 

has he read any on affair. recovery.com? It has helped me.

[Mr Blunt]

By Deadsoul

But I HATE that I did something so destructive to my family... and yet still have "feelings" for the OM.

 

I can honestly admit that I hate myself and am disgusted by my actions. I'm even more disgusted by the fact that I still catch myself thinking about OM.

 

 

 

 

Originally Posted by Life lessons

I haven't read this entire thread yet but do you know why the single partner ghosted you?? Did you know or think it was gonna happen? Any feelings that he was that kind of person?

 

 

By Deadsoul

Nope. Don't know why, except that he's a weak coward, didn't think that would happen and to be honest, he isn't my concern anymore.

I do feel the attachment dissolving. I'm finding I don't miss HIM. I miss the feelings and excitement. But not him. I have felt something is wrong with me for feeling this, but the more time in NC, the more I see OM for what he really was and what he represented.

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

I am a BS and my WW spouse confessed; I did not have to discover the A. ONE very impotent issue, if there is going to be any chance of an R, is your feelings and attitude towards the OM. If your husband is like I am then you have no chance being in your husband’s life or heart if you hold on to any positive desires for the OM.

 

As Mrs. John Adams explained, hatred for the OM is very healing to the BS and I can agree with that 100%; especially in the first year or two. However, no thoughts or feelings (apathy) of the OM are now good enough for me. My WW knew that she had no chance at R unless he was completely out of her thoughts and feelings. I watched her for over 4 years and saw no indication of her having any feelings for him and I did not catch her at any attempts at contact with the OM nor the OM trying to contact her. That along with others actions on her part made me believe that she was truly over the OM. That is when I remarried her as I divorced her within 6 months of her confessing the A.

 

 

Deadsoul, because you seem so truthful I do believe that your husband will believe that you are starting to despise the OM or at least becoming apathetic to him. That is very important for your husband to come to believe 100%.

 

It is very early, but so far there have been a few actions on your husband’s part that tells me that he is starting to lean in the direction of an R.

 

 

Also, In my situation my teenage daughter moved out of the house and into my sister's home when the betrayal was discovered and did not want to see her or talk to her for months. My daughter even told me to have an affair and then tell my wife about it. My daughter was irate for months. My sons just held there head down and withdrew.

 

After a few years they all came around and they love their mother very much. In fact my daughter is probably the closest to her of all the children. As for the boys, no one dare try and hurt their mother or they will be relentless in preventing the hurt or giving the perpetrator a mafia type response. The children and their mother are so very close now but it took years of her proving with ACTIONS that she was truly sorry and never did anything like that again. One of the great things about our successful R is that the children and grandchildren are so very close to both of us. That has so enriched us both!

[Simoo]

Hi again, I'm glad u liked my thread, I have a very a one sided opinion when it comes to cheating, but strangely enough I feel for u and wanna help u at least with comforting words, and like I said previously I read a lot of threads and i mean a lot and your really lucky to still have ur husband by your side. If I were you, I would sit down with my kids and talk to them, don't make them go to counselling, they need to know that their mother fears for them and is concerned about them. Concerning you and your husband, maybe some time a part would be beneficial, not a long time but maybe 3 days to a week maybe not total NC but minimum contact.

If you're husband were to ask you detailed questions about your intimacy with OM, would you be comfortable to answer them knowing it'll hurt him and make him think abt his woke with another guy ?

[Southern Sun]

By Deadsoul

 

 

By Blunt

I am a BS and my WW spouse confessed; I did not have to discover the A. ONE very impotent issue, if there is going to be any chance of an R, is your feelings and attitude towards the OM. If your husband is like I am then you have no chance being in your husband’s life or heart if you hold on to any positive desires for the OM.

 

As Mrs. John Adams explained, hatred for the OM is very healing to the BS and I can agree with that 100%; especially in the first year or two. However, no thoughts or feelings (apathy) of the OM are now good enough for me. My WW knew that she had no chance at R unless he was completely out of her thoughts and feelings. I watched her for over 4 years and saw no indication of her having any feelings for him and I did not catch her at any attempts at contact with the OM nor the OM trying to contact her. That along with others actions on her part made me believe that she was truly over the OM. That is when I remarried her as I divorced her within 6 months of her confessing the A.

 

 

Deadsoul, because you seem so truthful I do believe that your husband will believe that you are starting to despise the OM or at least becoming apathetic to him. That is very important for your husband to come to believe 100%.

 

It is very early, but so far there have been a few actions on your husband’s part that tells me that he is starting to lean in the direction of an R.

 

 

 

I'm sorry to say, but feelings can't be forced. One can choose what to act on, how to act on them, what to discuss and what to keep to oneself, what to focus on and what to try to push away. But feelings themselves are either there or not.

 

I do think we can exacerbate feelings that already exist by focusing on them, or by acting in certain ways. And I think that we have the ability to COMPOUND our feelings...so where one issue starts, we can make it bigger and more complex...something it never had to be. So there, we have control.

 

No person or thing can force DS to despise the OM. It would be a shame for her M to end, if it otherwise would have made it, if she didn't get to that point in the 'time' her BH demanded. Everyone moves at their own pace. And if she doesn't immediately despise him, it doesn't mean something is wrong with her or that she doesn't deeply regret her actions. She's getting there. It takes time to put everything together. I will say one thing about being a WW...to despise the OM is in some way having to despise yourself. Unless that man was a true sexual predator, you have to admit that you basically did the same things he did. So yes, you can be sickened by him. But didn't you do the same thing? How are you any better? It's a lot to come to grips with.

[understand50]

 

No person or thing can force DS to despise the OM. It would be a shame for her M to end, if it otherwise would have made it, if she didn't get to that point in the 'time' her BH demanded. Everyone moves at their own pace. And if she doesn't immediately despise him, it doesn't mean something is wrong with her or that she doesn't deeply regret her actions. She's getting there. It takes time to put everything together. I will say one thing about being a WW...to despise the OM is in some way having to despise yourself. Unless that man was a true sexual predator, you have to admit that you basically did the same things he did. So yes, you can be sickened by him. But didn't you do the same thing? How are you any better? It's a lot to come to grips with.

 

I do not think they have gotten to that point. There are so many things that have to be talked out. Deadsoul, despising is the least of your worries. My wife's ONS guy, she is just indifferent. They have not been in touch in 40 plus years. I think the larger task is for you to remain NC, and tell your BS if the AP try's to get back in touch. If you read the folks who post here a lot, you should know it takes a lot time. Mrs J.A. took many years until she despised her AP. That is the key, this is all going to take time, and effort and a lot of talking things out.

 

Deadsoul, be honest and humane with your husband, but do not shine him on. You enjoyed the sex, the attention, found your AP appealing. If you did not, one would have to wonder how this all happened. Be honest, I think in the end this will pay more for you and him, then trying to shield him from what you were feeling. You were somewhat in love with the AP, or you were very much in lust. Point is there was a connection with him. You will both need to work this out, it will be hard, but if you are going to know true remorse, a part of that is admitting to yourself and your loved one, just what feeling you had. Just what went on. YOu can not change the past, nor should you sugar coat it. How can he really forgive, if he does not know what he is forgiving?

 

 

I wish you luck.....

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hi Deadsoul,

 

These podcasts have helped me and my husband tremendously. I think you will enjoy them. We like to listen to them separately and then talk about them together. They are all free you just have to download them in Itunes or if you have an Iphone you can listen to them on the Podcast app.

 

By the way I really like Joe Beam (the guy who hosts these) he had an affair, left his spouse for the other lady, and three years later he went back and remarried his wife. So he has been there and lived it and understands it.

 

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/marriage-radio-with-joe-beam/id978519992?mt=2

[Owl6118]

On forgiveness, I think in the early days of recovery it is easier to think in terms of actions than an end state. The goal is not to let shame for the past mire you down in depression and self-loathing, such that it prevents healthy action in the present.

 

Some of us like Southern and me and others like to talk about love as an action, not a feeling. Self-forgiveness too can be an action.

 

The past cannot be changed. But the story of today, this one day, has yet to be written. Right now, we choose how to act.

 

So how would you act if you had self-forgiveness? A person who had forgiven herself might

 

1. Do small kind things. Go to the store when the milk is running low, even if she is tired. Pick up the teenagers socks for the 33rd time even though you resent it.

 

2. Accept that thoughts of the past will come, and with them feelings, but then gently but firmly redirect her attention to the present moment and the future.

 

3. Fail sometimes. Fail to focus on the present, spiral into shame. But get up the next hour or the next day and go to work again acting in the present.

 

4. Tell the truth about the big things, no matter how terrified we are. (And all things BS wants to know relating to the affair are big things).

 

The point is, you actions you take and the choices you make today are not dictated by the past, or by whether you feel you can or should forgive yourself for the past, or whether others forgive you for the past.

 

For my worst transgressions, I am not sure self-forgiveness ever really comes. But with the accumulation of days and months and years of acting differently, it becomes -- not irrelevant, but --- what? academic? It becomes a debate about a person long ago and far away. Sometimes I forgive him. Sometimes I don't think some of the things he did are or should be forgiven. But -- I am not him anymore, and have not been for a long, long time.

[Mr Blunt]

By Southern Sun

No person or thing can force DS to despise the OM.

 

By Blunt

Your statement above is correct Southern Sun

 

 

My points to deadsoul were:

 

 

1 If your husband is like I am then you have no chance being in your husband’s life or heart if you hold on to any positive desires for the OM.

 

 

2 My WW knew that she had no chance at R unless he was completely out of her thoughts and feelings. I watched her for over 4 years and saw no indication of her having any feelings for him and I did not catch her at any attempts at contact with the OM nor the OM trying to contact her.

 

 

 

By Southern Sun

And if she doesn't immediately despise him, it doesn't mean something is wrong with her or that she doesn't deeply regret her actions.

 

By Blunt

I did not say that something is wrong with her if she does not IMMEDIATLY despise him. I did say that there was no chance of R unless he was completely out of her thoughts and feelings. I gave my wife 4 years (NOT Immediately) and she gave every indication that the OM was out of her life. Our R is over 20 years now. No strong man that I know of will accept a betrayer back if that betrayer keeps her feelings for the OM. Of course there are men that will compromise and accept the WS back but then what kind of man does she have?

 

 

I do believe that Deadsoul has regret but that is not enough; she is going to have to take a lot of hard ACTIONS because what she has done has caused a lot of serious damage. I hope she gets to the point that she puts herself and her family first and gets the OM completely out of her thoughts and feelings. Is she does not then her R will fail or be a cripple IMO