I confessed

[Marc878]

I hope so. But I don't know. That was another reason i confessed though. Even though i felt I could've "gotten away with it," I lived with the guilt of that chance of getting caught. And it would've been so much worse if he had found out another way.

 

Yes, the threat of discovery hanging over your head would've just impeded what you need to do.

 

If you haven't read this please do it'll help. Good luck yo you and your H

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[Marc878]

Almost 19 years

 

Do you have children?

 

Look at this as positive as you can. It can be the start of a good and better life.

 

As you've seen no one has beaten you up. Why? Because you're honest and owning you're decision. It's the only way you can get to where you want to be.

 

No marriage is perfect but it takes two to have a good one.

[Jersey born raised]

I poised these questions to ConInLa who is thinking about confessing while in an on going adulterous relationship. You are both adults, a trait of which is preparing for future events. So

 

No contact: is this an absolute or not? If it is absolute why?

 

Trickle truth: what is it, why does it destroy marriages that might have been saved. What are it's elements.

 

Gasliighting what is it why does it matter? Do you post reflect it?

 

Timeline: why?

 

What are triggers and how do you help him cope with them.

 

Mind Movies: what are they, how do you help him cope?

 

What will you say or do when he looks at your children, triggers about something and you realize what he is really trigging about? Don't say it can't be true accepted range is up to 16 percent. It is based on research for genetic pre-disposition in which 16% of the people did not correctly identify paternity correctly. Mix in with those numbers where individuals where adopted but that percent was not excluded?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes. I've read all her threads. Anything by Midnightblue really hit home for me. I wish she was still posting.

 

I did answer that question and said it would probably be going on still, if I'm going to be honest. I would hope it wouldn't.

 

No. I don't hope my husband will file. I'm hoping to get back to the place where we were before I made these bad choices, if that is meant to be. If I'm meant to be alone at the end of this, that may be what I need to finally grow up and make better choices. I have no expectations of things working out with the AP, nor do I want them to. I did not like the obsessive/addicted things I did while in it. I never felt secure. It was not love.

 

I'm here. I just stopped posting around Christmas time. I was trying to move on and not sure I could help anyone, but I read the threads. I just posted a pretty bad update on the OW board.

 

You did the right thing telling. I understand the take it to the grave thing, but that is more for a drunken ONS, not a year long affair. Plus if you stay together, now you can work on your marital problems. It is a long road though.

[deadsoul]

so if your husband left you would go to the AP?

 

Nope. That's over.

[deadsoul]

I'm here. I just stopped posting around Christmas time. I was trying to move on and not sure I could help anyone, but I read the threads. I just posted a pretty bad update on the OW board.

 

You did the right thing telling. I understand the take it to the grave thing, but that is more for a drunken ONS, not a year long affair. Plus if you stay together, now you can work on your marital problems. It is a long road though.

 

You helped me a lot. You just didn't know it. I always admired your advice and your struggles and your honesty... so even when you think you didn't, you did.

[deadsoul]

Do you have children?

 

Look at this as positive as you can. It can be the start of a good and better life.

 

As you've seen no one has beaten you up. Why? Because you're honest and owning you're decision. It's the only way you can get to where you want to be.

 

No marriage is perfect but it takes two to have a good one.

 

Yes. I have kids. You're right. No marriage is perfect. But when things went wrong for me, I needed to have the courage to say so and I didn't. Actually I did and I didn't get the greatest reaction, but that still doesn't justify what I did whatsoever. I needed to keep trying to speak up.

[deadsoul]

I poised these questions to ConInLa who is thinking about confessing while in an on going adulterous relationship. You are both adults, a trait of which is preparing for future events. So

 

No contact: is this an absolute or not? If it is absolute why?

 

Trickle truth: what is it, why does it destroy marriages that might have been saved. What are it's elements.

 

Gasliighting what is it why does it matter? Do you post reflect it?

 

Timeline: why?

 

What are triggers and how do you help him cope with them.

 

Mind Movies: what are they, how do you help him cope?

 

What will you say or do when he looks at your children, triggers about something and you realize what he is really trigging about? Don't say it can't be true accepted range is up to 16 percent. It is based on research for genetic pre-disposition in which 16% of the people did not correctly identify paternity correctly. Mix in with those numbers where individuals where adopted but that percent was not excluded?

 

I read that book. And am prepared for all of this. As well as I can be, that is. I am prepared to be upfront and honest about all of it if/when he asks. My hope is we can get some MC to help us cope with the aftermath of this and also what led me down that path. Again, not saying any of this is his fault, but I think there were/are issues we both avoided and shouldn't have. I'm feeling like the ball is in his court right now and I'm waiting to see what his next move is. I owe him that and more.

 

To be honest, I feel like I'm in shock and in autopilot right now. So I can only imagine what he is going through. It has to be 100 times worse. And i caused it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You helped me a lot. You just didn't know it. I always admired your advice and your struggles and your honesty... so even when you think you didn't, you did.

 

Wow. I'm touched.

 

It's a long road to recovery. We did not go to MC, we don't believe it in it for us. We spent a lot of time together this year, much walking, hiking and talking. It's been a year now and our marriage is in a much better place. I mean, it's a million times better than it ever was.

 

But

 

My H is actually pretty fine. It's me. I'm changed. People comment on it. I have found it hard to move on.

[seren]

I am of the camp that thinks confessing makes reconciling easier for the BS. My husband confessed, it meant that all the odd, unexplained behaviour that was going on during the A made sense, it told me I wasn't going out of my mind or that I had screwed up. It also opened a door to honesty, to being able to lay it all out on the table for me to make sense of. Had I found out and I would have found out or someone would have told me, then I don't think we would have had a chance to fix what was broken.

 

Reconciliation cannot succeed without honesty, even brutal, painful honesty is a million times better than lies, but, without it you are fighting an unseen, unknown problem, a marriage cannot be fixed if only one knows why it is broken. Reconciling needs a solid foundation, truth gives that, love feeds it. had I not loved my H and he me, we couldn't have withstood the storm that comes after a D Day, no one can, even if that love has been buried under problems, even if D Day has such anger that love seems the last thing on a BS's mind, it will thrive if both work together and if both want it to work. It is damned hard work, it almost turns you inside out and if successful, can make a marriage and relationship that is stronger than before.

 

I found that it made us both look at what we had, the feelings we had for each other that had become pushed aside with the everyday and with each of our problems that we hid from each other, for different reasons. I wish you and your H the very best and hope you can reconcile, it takes years, it can feel like a never ending question and answer session, but there will be a day when you know you have turned a corner and your life will go on. Time, truth and love and of course, talking and listening are what are needed now. Good luck x

[bubbaganoosh]

I think you did the right thing by telling him rather than hiding the affair.

 

Too many times when people who are in affairs have been caught in their own lies and the truth comes out or worse when the BS has to here it from a friend or relative.

 

Honestly none of the three is something they want to here but I'll tell you that it took guts to fess up.

 

I don't know what will happen to your marriage but I wish you the best of luck.

[harrybrown]

Did you write your H the timeline of the A? that in the long run can help.

 

One place that helped was affair recovery.com.

 

find it online.

 

Hopefully you were tested for stds and did not get pregnant.

 

hope better times for your family. Do keep the OM away from your family.

 

sorry for your H. It is hell for him. loss of self confidence. feel less of a man.

 

Hope you did not do things with the OM that you never did with your H.

 

Good that you did tell. I do hope your H will be willing to try affair recovery.

 

Did you keep the OM away from your kids? Hope so and hope you never had OM in your home. If you still have things from the OM, best to throw those out.

 

The OM -did he know your H? Did you withhold affection from your H while in the A? watch out for your H loving you less and less.

 

And not wanting anything to do with you. A year is a long time.

 

good luck.

[Jersey born raised]

I get there are issues. The hardest part about marriage is learning how to speak to to issues and having the courage to do so. Lacking these two results in quiet despair, just settling, or often in adultery.

[road]

Sincere congratulations on confessing for it was the right thing to do for so

many reasons. You have taken the first step to recovering. May you have

more steps.

[Cephalopod]

I read that book. And am prepared for all of this. As well as I can be, that is. I am prepared to be upfront and honest about all of it if/when he asks. My hope is we can get some MC to help us cope with the aftermath of this and also what led me down that path. Again, not saying any of this is his fault, but I think there were/are issues we both avoided and shouldn't have. I'm feeling like the ball is in his court right now and I'm waiting to see what his next move is. I owe him that and more.

 

To be honest, I feel like I'm in shock and in autopilot right now. So I can only imagine what he is going through. It has to be 100 times worse. And i caused it.

 

Don't just sit there. Be proactive whether or not he decides to R. You need to start individual counseling to figure out why you let your boundaries fall and why you gave yourself permission to cheat. Write your husband a complete and detailed timeline of the affair and the events leading up to it. Tell your parents and his parents what you did. Accept full responsibility for your bad decision. You know your husband had nothing to do with this. This was all on you. If you take that responsibility, and allow him to see you working in yourself, he might just decide you are worth another chance.

[BetrayedH]

You made the right choice. Seren is right. Now you have a chance at rebuilding from a solid foundation. You can commit to an honest and authentic life. And your H is granted the right to make an informed decision. If he's going to try to forgive you, you've just shown him that you might deserve it. Well done.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm a WW. I was in a FWB with a single friend of ours for a year.

 

I'm curious why you chose to describe your affair this way? I haven't seen a PA labeled as such before.

 

In your mind, was the relationship different from a "normal" affair?

 

Mr. Lucky

[JS84]

How is your spouse holding up?

[Just a Guy]

Hi deadsoul, it is wonderful that you confessed your affair to your husband. As others and you yourself have said, had he found out on his own the blow to him would have been soul shattering. With the truth there is a likely hood that you two will be able to work your way back to a good relationship again. The thing is that through all his pain, your husband will respect you for having been honest and truthful with him and that, if nothing else, will be a big factor in helping him to make the decision to reconcile. From now on as has been emphasized often enough on this forum, you will have to be fully transparent with him, answer all his questions even if they are repetitive, give him the space he needs when he needs it, and provide him the emotional support that he requires to help him heal from the grievous wound to his heart that you have delivered him.

 

Your statement that you will never forget the look on his face when you confessed to your affair is telling in it self of the pain that he is suffering right now. All this you will have to do even while suffering in your own hell, with no support from him. However the good thing is that you have had three months from the end of your affair till date for you to have recovered your balance to a large extent. For your husband it is as if your affair ended today. For those who advocate the 'Don't tell' path, I would repeat the adage "The truth shall set you free". This is not only true for you but also for your husband. The thing is that your husband might have had his suspicions and if he had delved into details at a later time and discovered what had been happening then the trust factor so essential to recovery would have been almost completely eliminated.

 

In any case I wish you the very best of luck going forward and I do sincerely hope it all works out well for you in the end. Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

Are you prepared for a divorce?

Have you consulted a lawyer and know your rights?

Do you have your ducks in a row?

Are you protecting your assets?

Your life may take on a different shade if he clears out all your joint accounts and stops the credit cards and refuses to pay the mortgage, for instance.

Can you afford to be single parent? Do you work? Do you have any money of your own?

Are you prepared for huge legal bills, long custody battles over your children, the sale of your house and all the other things that divorced couples can fight about?

You may say now you want to roll over and give him what he wants, but you won't be saying that once all this emotional fog clears and you realise you have signed away your kids, your assets, and your future...

Men with cheating wives can get very vindictive, he may show a completely different side to the man you think you know.

It is all very well wallowing in a pool of guilt and saying over and over you deserve it and woe is me, but you need to think clever here..

 

I am not saying you will divorce but you need to be prepared.

You have to get practical, your kids will depend on you and "guilt" does not pay any bills, nor does it make for happy, well adjusted children.

[deadsoul]

I'm curious why you chose to describe your affair this way? I haven't seen a PA labeled as such before.

 

In your mind, was the relationship different from a "normal" affair?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I don't know what a normal affair is, to be honest. I know that this was a friends with benefits situation. I know that I got attached/addicted/whatever.

 

There were never declarations of love or any of that. So I called it what it was.

[deadsoul]

How is your spouse holding up?

 

Not good.

 

All the "well done for telling" does not erase the looks/pain on my family's faces.

 

And yes, I should've thought of that before I did what I did. So yes, I'm paying a very steep price right now. I was selfish and stupid and now the consequences of that are hitting me very hard.

 

I am preparing for the worst.

 

The A was not worth it. Not at all. Not by a long shot.

[oldshirt]

Are you prepared for a divorce?

Have you consulted a lawyer and know your rights?

Do you have your ducks in a row?

Are you protecting your assets?

Your life may take on a different shade if he clears out all your joint accounts and stops the credit cards and refuses to pay the mortgage, for instance.

Can you afford to be single parent? Do you work? Do you have any money of your own?

Are you prepared for huge legal bills, long custody battles over your children, the sale of your house and all the other things that divorced couples can fight about?

You may say now you want to roll over and give him what he wants, but you won't be saying that once all this emotional fog clears and you realise you have signed away your kids, your assets, and your future...

Men with cheating wives can get very vindictive, he may show a completely different side to the man you think you know.

It is all very well wallowing in a pool of guilt and saying over and over you deserve it and woe is me, but you need to think clever here..

 

I am not saying you will divorce but you need to be prepared.

You have to get practical, your kids will depend on you and "guilt" does not pay any bills, nor does it make for happy, well adjusted children.

 

I agree with the above. Yes it's somewhat heartwarming to hear all this talk about confessions and hopes for reconciliation and redemption and such - but to be responsible also means that you need to be prepared for some serious adulting.

 

One of the pitfalls of forums such as this is that the cases we see here are somewhat skewed and biased. The majority of the BS's we see post here are in the middle of the Shock and Horror stage and are doing the "Pick Me!"Dance.

 

What we don't see are the countless other BS's out there that simply drop the microphone and exit stage-left.

 

...and we don't see the BS's that keep their WS's around for payback where they don't divorce them but remain married and instead of actually reconciling and improving the conditions of the marriage, they actually use the infidelity as a whip to flog the WS and allow the marriage to continue a downward spiral.

 

Relationship forums like these are slanted towards BS's that are desperate to save the marriage and will crawl through broken glass and rusty thumbtacks to do the heavy lifting keep the WS.

 

The reality is that is a stage that wears off for many. And for many others that we don't hear about, are simply disgusted and feel disdain for the WS and turn their backs. The BS's that fall into that category do not show up in relationship forums asking how to win back the affections of a WS.

 

So where I am going at with all of this is, be prepared. You may think this is going to turn all warm and fuzzy and that you two will have long walks on the moonlit beach to discuss your marital issues and turn a corner towards a more fulfilling marriage (and I hope you do) but often the reality is anything but.

 

Be prepared for anything.

[oldshirt]

.......and the caveat to preparing for divorce is when your H sees you going to lawyers and separating accounts and taking inventory of all your stuff and looking at the apartments for rent in your area, he will have to assume that indicates you are prepping to leave for good and in order for him to be responsible, he will need to start preparing as well.

 

This will be a fine balance at best.

[wmacbride]

I'm also in the camp of "don't tell if you don't have to". I've been married, I've been an OW and I've been cheated on by boyfriends. I never cheated in my marriage and since we've been divorced for so long, I don't want to know if he did.

 

There are things you say in a marriage that are lies. Some of them are sort of humorous. Any man on the planet knows the answer to the question, "do I look fat in this"? Is a definitive, fast, resounding NO. Just as women have to suck it up when aging starts, penis wilts and hair falls out.

 

A spouse has cheated. How humorous and amusing.

 

You never tell a man you faked an orgasm and they never tell you they don't like how you taste. Neither can be taken back or corrected.

 

Perhaps if they tried a little bit of HONESTY, they could be corrected

Your life is going to change. Make sure you keep going to counseling and make sure you know your limits. I realize you have to be totally transparent and will face wrath, just don't let the wrath cross over into abuse.

 

Sorry, but this is absolutely terrible advice. You have no idea what it's like to be a bs, and one thing they almost universally want is the truth.

 

I find it odd that people compare hiding an A from your spouse to other white lies" like saying no to your wife if she asks if a dress makes her rear end look huge.

 

Also, one of the almost universal reason given for cheating by ws is they are not happy in the M. How on earth is continuing to lie and be deceptive going to change that?