I confessed

[harrybrown]

How is your H doing?

 

Keep a close watch on him.

 

My friend committed suicide a few months after finding out about his wife and her AP.

 

The kids were devastated.

 

It did not seem to bother the widow that much, but maybe she kept her pain inside. She did not cry at the funeral, maybe her tears were private.

 

Really bothered me, but I need to be less judgmental.

[ConInLA]

Hi deadsoul,

I just thought I would check on you. I hope things are well!

[BluesPower]

How you doing as well. We have missed hearing how you are doing?

[deadsoul]

thanks for asking. Nothing new to really talk about. It's just a lot of up and downs right now and I just get through each day. I will say I'm in a much better place than i was before I confessed. Even though many things are tougher and more challenging, I'm finally able to do some much needed work on myself, with honesty.

 

I still don't know what will happen in the future and I don't have hope because I'm afraid to, but I feel like whatever happens, we will work together to make sure our kids are our priority.

 

Still in IC and MC... BH isn't sure MC is helpful, but I really like the lady and I think it is very helpful. She's very direct and to the point and she really gets to the heart of the matter and I like that.

 

ConinLA, where are you at in your situation?

Blue, hope you are doing well too.

[harrybrown]

you pursued the OM for the A, I read in one of your statements.

 

Now pursue your H with all of your energy and charm and love that you have for him and had for the OM. I believe you when you said you did not love him, (the OM)but your opened the door for the OM and gave him a wonderful gift for very little.

 

Take down the door for your H.

 

I would like to see your H happy, and healing for your family.

[Just a Guy]

Hi deadsoul, good to see you posting. If anything it shows that there is a sliver of hope for you. I remember that in a previous post you said that you were not religious. Being religious is not necessary for one to have Faith and Hope. Whether we accept it or not we are all spiritual, that is, we all have souls. The Faith and Hope comes from our spiritual selves, our souls. When you say you fear having Hope this comes from not having Faith. Not having Faith is quite surprising if you consider it carefully. For instance you go to sleep every night confident that you will wake up the next morning and go about your daily routine and do not lie in bed at night quivering in fear that the next moment will be your last. This confidence comes from faith. When you pick up a glass of water and bring it to your lips to drink, you do not for a moment doubt that you will be able to successfully drink the water. That is Faith in your capacity to do something so simple yet so complex in terms of your neuro-physical coordination necessary to execute this simple task. When you drive your car you have Faith that you can successfully steer the car in such a way as to avoid hitting other cars on the road and reach your destination without a mishap. You do not worry about having a tyre burst which will send your car careening across the road and resulting in an accident.

 

The only thing about the kind of Faith that you need to enable you to have Hope is that here you are uncertain about the end result. This kind of Faith is the very highest kind. It comes from a belief that there is something greater than you which is guiding you in a way to successfully reach your end result without you knowing before hand that you will be successful. We go wrong when we let our fears over rule our Faith. I guess my point here is to encourage you to have Faith in yourself and also in that Great Unknown who or which will steer you in the right direction if you will only allow it to. Hope this helps to some extent. Warm wishes.

[Marc878]

thanks for asking. Nothing new to really talk about. It's just a lot of up and downs right now and I just get through each day. I will say I'm in a much better place than i was before I confessed. Even though many things are tougher and more challenging, I'm finally able to do some much needed work on myself, with honesty.

 

I still don't know what will happen in the future and I don't have hope because I'm afraid to, but I feel like whatever happens, we will work together to make sure our kids are our priority.

 

Still in IC and MC... BH isn't sure MC is helpful, but I really like the lady and I think it is very helpful. She's very direct and to the point and she really gets to the heart of the matter and I like that.

 

ConinLA, where are you at in your situation?

Blue, hope you are doing well too.

 

A good MC is great. A bad one can cause more damage. No marriage is perfect and no H or W is either. We all can do better. An affair is never justifiable.

 

If she tries to blame your H for the affair you may look on it favorably but he'll move further away.

[Quiet Storms]

I haven't read your whole thread but congratulations to you for doing the right thing. It sounds like you have your head on straight and are motivated to make things work as long as he is. I wish you well.

[deadsoul]

A good MC is great. A bad one can cause more damage. No marriage is perfect and no H or W is either. We all can do better. An affair is never justifiable.

 

If she tries to blame your H for the affair you may look on it favorably but he'll move further away.

 

No, she doesn't blame him at all. She says that's on me. But she says we have communication issues that need a lot of work. Like I said, she's very to the point. When we are discussing things, she has called us both out on stuff and I like that.

[deadsoul]

I haven't read your whole thread but congratulations to you for doing the right thing. It sounds like you have your head on straight and are motivated to make things work as long as he is. I wish you well.

 

I wouldn't read the whole thing either if I were you. It is damn long! But to be honest, I've read it multiple times. Some things said early in the thread I wasn't ready to hear, or I think about them differently.

 

If my head was on straight, I would not be here. But I'm a work in progress. I'm working on getting there. ;-)

[deadsoul]

How is your H doing?

 

Keep a close watch on him.

 

My friend committed suicide a few months after finding out about his wife and her AP.

 

The kids were devastated.

 

It did not seem to bother the widow that much, but maybe she kept her pain inside. She did not cry at the funeral, maybe her tears were private.

 

Really bothered me, but I need to be less judgmental.

 

Yikes. BH doesn't seem to be suicidal.

 

For the record, I don't cry at funerals. I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with me. I cry when I don't want to, like when I get mad. I hate that.

[Marc878]

Yikes. BH doesn't seem to be suicidal.

 

For the record, I don't cry at funerals. I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with me. I cry when I don't want to, like when I get mad. I hate that.

 

So what. Everyone handles emotions differently. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

[Cephalopod]

Yikes. BH doesn't seem to be suicidal.

 

For the record, I don't cry at funerals. I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with me. I cry when I don't want to, like when I get mad. I hate that.

 

My brother did give signals before he killed himself. Had I known what they were I would have called the cops and had him locked up.

 

First he went to everyone just a distraught mess. We all tried to comfort him as best we could. I let him stay with me for a week and I took him camping. He was a heartbroken mess. But then all of a sudden it just stopped, and he became very calm. He stayed that way for about the next two weeks. He became detached and aloof. He stopped talking about his WW's affair and just went low profile.

 

One day, about three days before he killed himself, he came by my house with a box full of stuff. It was a bunch of stuff our dad gave him many years earlier. "Hey I was doing some cleaning and thought you meant gut want these," he told me. Most of the items were my dad's WWII medals and keepsakes.

 

I didn't really stop to think about why he did that, but after he died I found out from my other siblings and several family friends that he had given away a bunch of stuff to them also.

 

Looking back now I know he was setting his affairs in order, and making sure all his treasured possessions had good homes. He also had told many people how much he loved them and how glad he was they were in his life.

 

The day before he killed himself he called me and told me thanks for helping him get through the first weeks after his DDay and that he loved me. He sounded very upbeat and positive, like he had turned the corner on his grief. We planned to meet up that weekend for breakfast at a local diner. But of course that meeting never came.

 

He did not act like a distraught person, nor did he ever threaten or talk about suicide. He just did it. No warning, no goodbyes.

 

I tell you this to make you aware so you know what to look for.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I wouldn't read the whole thing either if I were you. It is damn long! But to be honest, I've read it multiple times. Some things said early in the thread I wasn't ready to hear, or I think about them differently.

 

If my head was on straight, I would not be here. But I'm a work in progress. I'm working on getting there. ;-)

 

We are all works in progress .....and we take two steps forward and one back sometimes.

 

when I first came to a relationship forum....i was very different than i am today. I have grown in many ways.....and i think my best accomplishment is that i have grown to be an extremely compassionate person.

 

Give yourself time....you will get there.....don't be too hard on yourself....but at the same time...hold yourself accountable.

 

I so hope and pray...that things turn out the way you want. They did for me....and if they did for me....they certainly can for you. Keep hope alive friend.....

[ConInLA]

thanks for asking. Nothing new to really talk about. It's just a lot of up and downs right now and I just get through each day. I will say I'm in a much better place than i was before I confessed. Even though many things are tougher and more challenging, I'm finally able to do some much needed work on myself, with honesty.

 

I still don't know what will happen in the future and I don't have hope because I'm afraid to, but I feel like whatever happens, we will work together to make sure our kids are our priority.

 

Still in IC and MC... BH isn't sure MC is helpful, but I really like the lady and I think it is very helpful. She's very direct and to the point and she really gets to the heart of the matter and I like that.

 

ConinLA, where are you at in your situation?

Blue, hope you are doing well too.

 

I'm way better. I am glad to see that you and your spouse are attempting R. I do find your action of confession to be very brave. All I can say about my situation is that I am glad it's done. I slowly feel like I am getting back to me. Well, I actually don't want to be back to the old me, but a better version of myself. I'm working on it.

[deadsoul]

I'm way better. I am glad to see that you and your spouse are attempting R. I do find your action of confession to be very brave. All I can say about my situation is that I am glad it's done. I slowly feel like I am getting back to me. Well, I actually don't want to be back to the old me, but a better version of myself. I'm working on it.

 

I'm so glad you are done. I don't feel brave, for sure. But I'm glad you're working on being better. I am too.

[DKT3]

I'm so glad you are done. I don't feel brave, for sure. But I'm glad you're working on being better. I am too.

 

Part of being better is actually being better. Your confession is a step in that direction even if your marriage doesn't work out.

 

Lastly, I'm not sure one should feel brave for giving someone you love control of the direction they go in life. But, in my opinion it shows true love and compassion. It's easy to lie and mislead, it's harder to be honest with something like this. Maybe not brave, but for sure the right thing to do when your goal is being the best version of yourself.

Edited March 19, 2017 by DKT3

[ConInLA]

Part of being better is actually being better. Your confession is a step in that direction even if your marriage doesn't work out.

 

Lastly, I'm not sure one should feel brave for giving someone you love control of the direction they go in life. But, in my opinion it shows true love and compassion. It's easy to lie and mislead, it's harder to be honest with something like this. Maybe not brave, but for sure the right thing to do when your goal is being the best version of yourself.

 

Yes, she should feel brave because she is in the minority. MOST people do not tell their spouse when they have affairs. It definitely takes a strength that I and many others do not have.

[QuietDan]

Yes, she should feel brave because she is in the minority. MOST people do not tell their spouse when they have affairs. It definitely takes a strength that I and many others do not have.

 

Yah...lol... most do not have to tell the spouse they are having the affair... it blow up in they're face and the spouse finds out and all hell breaks loose, or, the relationship falls apart because the couple are...growing apart... and they end up in a divorce.... no discovery made... but the relationship fails...

 

Was the relationship dead and dying before the affair?

Did the affair make things worse?

Instead of using a third party person as an escape, what if the problems were confronted and the relationship problems resolved instead of swept to the side, could the relationship have moved to the next level of maturity, the couple learning to resolve the problems that are haunting the relationship and the marriage ultimately survive and thrive?

However, since it seems... that after having read... many... accounts... usually associated with... my ex never found out about the affair... part of the 50% or 60% failed marriage statistics..... I wonder if the affair was avoided... the person got angry enough.... or frustrated enough to confront the issues... or seek marriage or individual counseling instead of resorting to the affair... the... "Ex" might not be part of the description....

[DKT3]

Yes, she should feel brave because she is in the minority. MOST people do not tell their spouse when they have affairs. It definitely takes a strength that I and many others do not have.

 

To draw a comparison, it would drive me crazy when people (mostly women) would compliment me on my involvement with my kids....They would say stuff like it's surprising, or amazing...It's not it's what's expected, it's my job. It's your job to care for your spouse it is not brave. Unlike with kids, If you can't than it's not a job for you, one should step aside and allow someone else to fill that role.

Edited March 20, 2017 by DKT3

[MikeM 1028]

DS, I have no words of wisdom for you or any advice to offer. I posted in life lessons thread and thought I should post here. As a BS myself and only finding out of the A thru a co-worker, I've come to respect you for deciding to confess. I couldn't imagine how difficult it was to do. I wish you and your family the best of luck with R.

 

I've read your entire thread and just wanted to reaffirm that I believe you're on the right path. Giving your BH the time he needs and try not to lose focus of R when he has relapses. The mind movies and all his thoughts are probably devoted to the betrayal and will for a long time. I'm a year past DD and on my way to D, which I struggle with as well as the constant relapses. Stay focused on his healing! Tons of us here are wishing you a successful R.

[deadsoul]

DS, I have no words of wisdom for you or any advice to offer. I posted in life lessons thread and thought I should post here. As a BS myself and only finding out of the A thru a co-worker, I've come to respect you for deciding to confess. I couldn't imagine how difficult it was to do. I wish you and your family the best of luck with R.

 

I've read your entire thread and just wanted to reaffirm that I believe you're on the right path. Giving your BH the time he needs and try not to lose focus of R when he has relapses. The mind movies and all his thoughts are probably devoted to the betrayal and will for a long time. I'm a year past DD and on my way to D, which I struggle with as well as the constant relapses. Stay focused on his healing! Tons of us here are wishing you a successful R.

 

Thanks and welcome. I saw a little of your story on the other thread. That's tough about the baby. I still don't know what the future lies for me. I just take a day at a time.

[harrybrown]

how is your H doing?

 

what are you doing to help him with his pain?

[deadsoul]

He's taking a day at a time, like I am. He's angry, he's hurt, and loves me and lots of things in between. How am I helping? Talking to him when he needs to talk and doing whatever he needs me to do to help him through this. Meanwhile, I'm looking hard at myself and trying to be better.

[understand50]

He's taking a day at a time, like I am. He's angry, he's hurt, and loves me and lots of things in between. How am I helping? Talking to him when he needs to talk and doing whatever he needs me to do to help him through this. Meanwhile, I'm looking hard at myself and trying to be better.

 

Deadsoul,

 

You are doing the right things, and time will help. I think you two will give reconciliation a chance.

 

I wish you luck...