I confessed

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul,

 

You are doing the right things, and time will help. I think you two will give reconciliation a chance.

 

I wish you luck...

 

Thanks. We still don't know if we are going to R. But we are trying. I am grateful to BH for trying, I know it's hard for him and I am prepared for it to head to D. Well, as well as I can be. But when I put myself in his shoes, I think that's ultimately what I would have to do.

[understand50]

Thanks. We still don't know if we are going to R. But we are trying. I am grateful to BH for trying, I know it's hard for him and I am prepared for it to head to D. Well, as well as I can be. But when I put myself in his shoes, I think that's ultimately what I would have to do.

 

Deadsoul,

 

You never really know. He may surprise you. I think you will find he has strength you did not know about. This will take much strength on his part if you reconcile. In any case, he will need all he can muster, forgiving, is hard, and in today's society not really celebrated. It may help to acknowledge this to him.

 

I wish you luck...

[QuietDan]

We, really don't have any idea what the Husband is coping with. A lot of the detail has not been revealed to this group. There may be multiple deal breakers that he hasn't worked through yet. He may not have reached the point where he has requested or been given the worst of the worst yet. Some of the vague hints given suggest that the things done would very likely be extremely difficult for probably any husband to cope with. He will have to figure out how much pain this relationship is worth.

[MikeM 1028]

Been wondering how you and your family are doing deadsoul. I'm hoping you two can reach R someday. Giving it time and him some space helps. At least for me it has. As a BS, I've been playing the mind movies and images every damn day since DD. And that's been a year now this month. Just remember these images WILL haunt him for a long time.

[deadsoul]

We, really don't have any idea what the Husband is coping with. A lot of the detail has not been revealed to this group. There may be multiple deal breakers that he hasn't worked through yet. He may not have reached the point where he has requested or been given the worst of the worst yet. Some of the vague hints given suggest that the things done would very likely be extremely difficult for probably any husband to cope with. He will have to figure out how much pain this relationship is worth.

 

No, you don't. And yes, a lot of detail has not been revealed to this group. Also keep in mind you are only hearing my side of the story, not his. I originally came here with hopes that if I could possibly steer someone from going down my path, that maybe if they read my story they might learn from it. I realize now that I wouldn't have listened, so why should anyone else?

 

But I stay because working through a lot of my different emotions and revealing what I want to reveal here has helped me in my own healing and helping me help bh.

[deadsoul]

Been wondering how you and your family are doing deadsoul. I'm hoping you two can reach R someday. Giving it time and him some space helps. At least for me it has. As a BS, I've been playing the mind movies and images every damn day since DD. And that's been a year now this month. Just remember these images WILL haunt him for a long time.

 

Thanks Mike. Yes, I agree the after effects will last a long time. Hope you are finding peace in your own life. We take a day at a time. Some better than others.Some worse than others. But I always know a new day is coming and I just start again each one.

[harrybrown]

Was your affair an exit affair?

 

Did you want out of your marriage?

 

If I was in your H's shoes, I would want to know that.

 

If it was not, then hope you get the chance to tell him that.

 

I am sure that he feels like he is not your first choice and this is hard on his self-esteem. (maybe feels like not one of your top ten choices)

 

One thing that helped was the written timeline of the A, and all the effort done for the OM rather than the H. If you did things with the OM that you never did for your H.

he can't figure out the puzzle without your truthful insight to your affair and your desire for any marriage with him.

 

I do hope you give him the bonding that sometimes helps.

 

And put more effort into the marriage and your H than all of that effort and time into the OM.

 

I do feel for him, and hope you get him to affair-recovery.com.

 

I am always hoping for R for the kids sake, but also that the new marriage leads to some kind of happiness.

 

your communication can help him because he had an A bomb dropped on him and your H is in a world of hurt, anger and pain.

 

Hope for better days for your family.

Edited March 25, 2017 by harrybrown
edit

[smi11ie]

I followed you thread. Was real brave of you to face this head on. Tell your husband, that with his support, you want the marraige to heal. Both need to be on point for a happy time.

[deadsoul]

Was your affair an exit affair?

No. Affair had been over 3 months when I confessed.

Did you want out of your marriage?

No. But I've considered the idea that maybe I confessed because I do. I've considered all ideas because I'm trying to be more considerate than I have been.

 

If I was in your H's shoes, I would want to know that.

 

If it was not, then hope you get the chance to tell him that.

 

I am sure that he feels like he is not your first choice and this is hard on his self-esteem. (maybe feels like not one of your top ten choices)

 

One thing that helped was the written timeline of the A, and all the effort done for the OM rather than the H. If you did things with the OM that you never did for your H.

He does not want to know at this point. This could change in the future.

 

he can't figure out the puzzle without your truthful insight to your affair and your desire for any marriage with him.

 

I do hope you give him the bonding that sometimes helps.

 

And put more effort into the marriage and your H than all of that effort and time into the OM.

 

I do feel for him, and hope you get him to affair-recovery.com.

We are actively working on things in IC and MC

 

I am always hoping for R for the kids sake, but also that the new marriage leads to some kind of happiness.

 

your communication can help him because he had an A bomb dropped on him and your H is in a world of hurt, anger and pain.

Understatement. And it sucks because I caused all his hurt, anger and pain.

 

Hope for better days for your family.

 

Me too.

 

I guess I need ten characters. Here they are.

[deadsoul]

I followed you thread. Was real brave of you to face this head on. Tell your husband, that with his support, you want the marraige to heal. Both need to be on point for a happy time.

 

Thanks I do appreciate your words... it doesn't feel like bravery. Destroying someone's life feels quite the opposite, to be honest. I guess I'm still struggling with 'it was brave of me to confess' because bravery should've entered the picture before the affair and it didn't.

 

In my case, confessing was the right thing to do. As hard as it has been, I still feel I did the right thing finally. But a part of me still wishes I had been able to keep my mouth shut. An even bigger part wishes I never had anything to confess.

 

But you know what they say... wish in one hand....

[QuietDan]

It is one thing to fix self on ones own. But, at some point in a marriage, in order to deal with issues, both people have to be involved and informed to be able to evaluate the situation and determine if there is a solution and what is mutually acceptable. It may be that there is no possible solution that is actually mutually acceptable. However, with out involving both adults, don't see that any solution will be viable or lasting. In which case, the marriage will join the 50% to 60% marriage failure rate that is part of the current American Culture. It takes two people working together for a marriage to be successful. It only takes one for failure.

[Zenstudent]

Deadsoul, not that it should matter to you, but I respect your decision and current thinking. I would much rather stay after infidelity with someone with your mindset than with one of the thousands of others we read about here.

 

Keep up the good work, you're doing fine and heading in the right direction.

[smi11ie]

Your husband will have to accept it or not. You came clean of your own accord. You both have to deal with this. Now that your last bastian of privacy has been removed, you'll need to find a way to be satisfied with that. You both are going to have to make some changes to fulfill each other's needs.

Edited March 26, 2017 by smi11ie

[harrybrown]

He never asked for a written timeline and the details of the A?

 

Does he know you were the one pursuing?

 

Hope you get some expert help. He may be done with the relationship without going thru the work to get over the pain. If he asks you to leave again, he may be finished, hope not for the families sake.

 

will he do some reading at affair-recovery.com? One counselor that I go to is definitely on my wife's side. We don't go anymore. They are good friends now. She and my wife get along fine. No help for me, but helps my wife to feel like a better person.

[Cephalopod]

Deadsoul I am among the others in saying I respect you for telling your husband about the A. I respect you for coming on here and being honest about your travails.

 

I cannot offer you advice on R because I never went through R myself. It was cut and dry with my wife and I. I knew immediately from her lack of remorse that I wanted out of the marriage.

 

I think that while your husband stews over what he wants, I think you need to mull over your feelings. From your phrasing and wording and the way you write, I don't get the sense that you desire or want to be with your husband anymore. Now that is just me extrapolating and reading between the lines. You do seem to be regretful and ashamed for what you did. You are probably incredibly embarrassed and feel like an idiot. That's good actually. But I don't sense any desire from you that you really want to bridge the gulf between you and your husband.

 

For whatever reason, whether it be sexual incompatibility or differences in outlooks or goals, you were feeling something lacking. Maybe there was nothing lacking and you have some selfish and entitled behaviors you need to address. I guess what I'm saying is you need to sit your husband down and tell him that he doesn't have to wait for you to get it together, and that you may never get it together to the point where he will feel safe with you.

 

Continue letting go of the outcome as you have been, but reassure him that you will respect him no matter what decision he makes.

[QuietDan]

Deadsoul I am among the others in saying I respect you for telling your husband about the A. I respect you for coming on here and being honest about your travails.

 

I cannot offer you advice on R because I never went through R myself. It was cut and dry with my wife and I. I knew immediately from her lack of remorse that I wanted out of the marriage.

 

I think that while your husband stews over what he wants, I think you need to mull over your feelings. From your phrasing and wording and the way you write, I don't get the sense that you desire or want to be with your husband anymore. Now that is just me extrapolating and reading between the lines. You do seem to be regretful and ashamed for what you did. You are probably incredibly embarrassed and feel like an idiot. That's good actually. But I don't sense any desire from you that you really want to bridge the gulf between you and your husband.

 

For whatever reason, whether it be sexual incompatibility or differences in outlooks or goals, you were feeling something lacking. Maybe there was nothing lacking and you have some selfish and entitled behaviors you need to address. I guess what I'm saying is you need to sit your husband down and tell him that he doesn't have to wait for you to get it together, and that you may never get it together to the point where he will feel safe with you.

 

Continue letting go of the outcome as you have been, but reassure him that you will respect him no matter what decision he makes.

 

Hopefully with some time, distance, recommitment, things may change....

I don't know... but, I have also noticed a certain lack of emotional energy about recovery. So much sounds like you are doing all of the right things, going through the motions, checking off the boxes of what needs to be done.

But, I am also still getting a bit of your husband is still your second choice by heart energy. Hopefully you will be able to fall in love with your husband again and truly desire him. Maybe you are holding back because you fear that you will get dumped by your husband anyway, so, you are emotionally protecting yourself. Unfortunately, real recovery requires being all in.

It sounds like, mentally, physically, you are all-in.

But, I also am getting the vibe that emotionally, you are holding on to most of your chips in this game.

Maybe your husband is also picking up on the vibe as well. If so, recovery is going to be very difficult and challenging for him.

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul I am among the others in saying I respect you for telling your husband about the A. I respect you for coming on here and being honest about your travails.

 

I cannot offer you advice on R because I never went through R myself. It was cut and dry with my wife and I. I knew immediately from her lack of remorse that I wanted out of the marriage.

 

I think that while your husband stews over what he wants, I think you need to mull over your feelings. From your phrasing and wording and the way you write, I don't get the sense that you desire or want to be with your husband anymore. Now that is just me extrapolating and reading between the lines. You do seem to be regretful and ashamed for what you did. You are probably incredibly embarrassed and feel like an idiot. That's good actually. But I don't sense any desire from you that you really want to bridge the gulf between you and your husband.

 

For whatever reason, whether it be sexual incompatibility or differences in outlooks or goals, you were feeling something lacking. Maybe there was nothing lacking and you have some selfish and entitled behaviors you need to address. I guess what I'm saying is you need to sit your husband down and tell him that he doesn't have to wait for you to get it together, and that you may never get it together to the point where he will feel safe with you.

 

Continue letting go of the outcome as you have been, but reassure him that you will respect him no matter what decision he makes.

 

I think you've brought up good points and they are being addressed in counseling. I have a lot of confusion. I know I love him. I've addressed this before here, but what you might be sensing is: I don't know how I can love someone and do this to them. He is not my second choice.

 

Maybe I am selfish and entitled, I don't know. Actually, there is no maybe because I was selfish and entitled having the A. But I feel so much confusion and I'm not sure what to do with it all. But it is all being dealt with in counseling. Also, as said before, you don't have the whole picture here. I can't reveal all and won't. So I can understand how you are coming to these thoughts and believe me, I think about them as I think and consider everything. I will only say negative things about me here. Maybe this thread has done all it can do for me here. I'm not sure. I do feel like some things are getting repetitive, but that's how recovery is and I get that people don't want to read 50 million whiny posts from me.

 

And yes, I will admit to protecting my heart. I'm afraid because I'm in limbo here and things might not work out. So simultaneously while trying to repair something, I also feel like I have to prepare myself for the opposite. And maybe that's a wrong way to deal with things. I don't know. I'm figuring out things as I go and trying to do the best I can. I will say this, we are working on bridging the gulf, I just don't post that stuff.

[Marc878]

If you want a chance at R or to try and save this you must be 100% all in. If not the likelihood of failure is high.

 

I get wanting to protect yourself but which is more important to you at this time?

 

If you protect yourself from hurt that may come by being vulnerable I think you've answered the question of is there a future for this marriage.

[deadsoul]

If you want a chance at R or to try and save this you must be 100% all in. If not the likelihood of failure is high.

 

I get wanting to protect yourself but which is more important to you at this time?

 

If you protect yourself from hurt that may come by being vulnerable I think you've answered the question of is there a future for this marriage.

 

Good point... more to think about as always.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Dead soul... I am convinced my confession ... and my saying to my husband I will do whatever you want me to do... I will leave and ask for nothing....

 

Played a huge part in my husbands decision to allow me to stay.

 

I truly placed my heart in his hands... because I knew if he changed his mind and kicked me out.. it was exactly what I deserved.

 

I held nothing back... he did... it took him a very very long time ... but he knew I was vulnerable.

 

Was I afraid? Of course... but I knew I was doing the right thing... I have not regretted that decision even one minute.

 

Put your heart in his hands love... and even if he decides not to reconcile..you still learned how to become humble

[MikeM 1028]

These are great comments DS. Being all in makes you vulnerable and susceptible to a big let down. But...... the emotion and vibe you give off of being completely vulnerable translates on a deeper level. IME, my WW didn't want to be all in trying to get me back as she was afraid of the let down of D and any extra efforts on her part were all form of. This translated to me as half hearted without the deepest sincerity in her apologies. As time has gone on, I can feel and see her becoming more vulnerable in keeping our M. It IS noticeable and shows me sincerity that I haven't really seen from her.

[Southern Sun]

DS, I feel for you, and because only you can know the whole story, only you will know what is the right thing to do.

 

Many people don't grasp the ambivalence a WS might feel after an affair is discovered or confessed. It is as if, to preserve the tiny amount of integrity we might have left, we MUST cast off all reservations, throw ourselves completely on the sword, and do anything and everything to reconcile the M...no matter what state it was in prior to the A, and no matter the feelings we may have about it now. As if offering ourselves up for this process is the ONLY right thing to do, the ONLY way of making ourselves "less bad." And to give the right of all future decision-making and even our financial well-being over to our BS.

 

Scary. No wonder DS might be self-protecting.

 

As much as we may not like to admit this to ourselves, there just might have been some issues in the M that made it vulnerable to an affair. Maybe. Yes, the WS should never have chosen that path for "resolving" the issues or seeking an escape or coping with any sort of difficulty. But perhaps that is what happened. There is also the chance that the M was nearly perfect and the WS cheated anyway, or that you have a serial on your hands. But often...something within the M, built up over time, and left it vulnerable. And maybe MORE vulnerable for one partner than the other.

 

So when we want our behavior to align with our value system again, and we are out of the affair and doing "the right thing," we are faced with the problems we were trying to avoid by having the affair in the first place. Yet now they are worse...much worse. I have to think some ambivalence is almost...normal.

 

It's not just the BS who has decisions to make. I think, Dead Soul, that you are doing this in the best possible way, considering an affair has already taken place: it's over; you've confessed; and now you and your spouse are dealing with your M and whether it can or should be repaired. Many others drag out this process so painfully, confessing, yet resuming the affair; stringing along those they claim to love; staying, but not being truly in.

 

Keep at it. You're doing just fine.

[QuietDan]

In a way. On the emotional level, whether you intended or not. You are expecting/wanting your husband to play the pick me dance against a man that isn't even trying to play or available to you.

You emotionally left the relationship, got dumped, show ed back up on the emotional doorstep with a guess what. But, not really feeling it, emotionally unavailable, trying to intellectually convince your husband to make a ... Half hearted attempt at recovery. Successful recoveries are based on the wayward being all in trying to convince the betrayed to just give them a chance to show and prove they really trully want to be in a relationship with the betrayed spouse. You are trying to show and prove he will be safe u

Opening up and trusting you and building a new relationship from the ground up. Bulldoze the burned out wreckage of the old marraige. This a new one. But, the responsibility needs to be 100% on you. You are a known high risk gamble for him.

[Marc878]

Just from reading your posts.

 

You don't think you could reconcile if your husband had cheated if The shoe was on the other foot.

 

You are perhaps holding back because you want to be prepared if this doesn't work out and get hurt.

 

Yet you unloaded and left a ton of devastation in your wake. Hurt others but you want to protect yourself?

 

Sorry but it doesn't sound like a candidate for R even though you did the right thing in confessing. . Unless something changes. Sounds like you still have unresolved issues

 

I'm sure there's more to the story but I can only speculate on what you have written.

[deadsoul]

Just from reading your posts.

 

You don't think you could reconcile if your husband had cheated if The shoe was on the other foot.

 

You are perhaps holding back because you want to be prepared if this doesn't work out and get hurt.

 

Yet you unloaded and left a ton of devastation in your wake. Hurt others but you want to protect yourself?

 

Sorry but it doesn't sound like a candidate for R even though you did the right thing in confessing. . Unless something changes. Sounds like you still have unresolved issues

 

I'm sure there's more to the story but I can only speculate on what you have written.

 

Good points... you're right. I do have some unresolved issues, and I am working on them... but I do need to not protect myself if I want this to work.