I confessed

[deadsoul]

Dead soul... I am convinced my confession ... and my saying to my husband I will do whatever you want me to do... I will leave and ask for nothing....

 

Played a huge part in my husbands decision to allow me to stay.

 

I truly placed my heart in his hands... because I knew if he changed his mind and kicked me out.. it was exactly what I deserved.

 

I held nothing back... he did... it took him a very very long time ... but he knew I was vulnerable.

 

Was I afraid? Of course... but I knew I was doing the right thing... I have not regretted that decision even one minute.

 

Put your heart in his hands love... and even if he decides not to reconcile..you still learned how to become humble

 

 

I needed to read this. Thank you.

[deadsoul]

I saw OM on the street today. Pulled over. Called him a coward. Said a couple other things. Told him goodbye. He was completely unemotional, non-reactive. Asked me how he was supposed to end it?

 

Duh, like a human.

 

Came right home and told BH the whole interaction.

 

I thought I would feel better doing that. I had originally planned to run the other way and I didn't. It was like the whole last few months just came to a head and I thought it would give me closure so I could move on. But all I've done is broken NC.

 

and what's worse is I had an interaction with him, even if it was negative and even though I came home and told BH immediately, I was upset and crying.

 

I don't want OM. I thought that saying those things would set me free of him finally. But all it did was hurt BH more.

 

Had I driven away, I would've regretted not saying the things I've wanted to say. But now I regret saying them because it hurts R with my H.

 

I feel like I'm back at square one. BH is not my second choice. He's my first. I just didn't show that for awhile. And now I've just gone backwards in the whole fiasco.

 

I showed BH this post. I showed him what I was writing and he's been reading all of this. It's going to take him awhile because there are so many pages.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes back to square one

 

I am sorry

 

And you plunged the knife right back into your husbands heart

 

You cannot do that love and ask for him to trust you .... you cannot keep hurting him...

 

Each time you drive him further away

 

I am really really sorry

 

You should have completely iognired him and run home straight into your husbands arms and told him you will do whatever it takes to heal him.

 

You are still in your own head

 

That's not remorse

Edited March 26, 2017 by Mrs. John Adams

[harrybrown]

hope your husband has a good week.

 

give him some access to affair-recovery .com.

 

It did me some.

 

some of the other counselors were too much one sided for my ex WW.

[Marc878]

I saw OM on the street today. Pulled over. Called him a coward. Said a couple other things. Told him goodbye. He was completely unemotional, non-reactive. Asked me how he was supposed to end it?

 

Duh, like a human.

 

Came right home and told BH the whole interaction.

 

I thought I would feel better doing that. I had originally planned to run the other way and I didn't. It was like the whole last few months just came to a head and I thought it would give me closure so I could move on. But all I've done is broken NC.

 

and what's worse is I had an interaction with him, even if it was negative and even though I came home and told BH immediately, I was upset and crying.

 

I don't want OM. I thought that saying those things would set me free of him finally. But all it did was hurt BH more.

 

Had I driven away, I would've regretted not saying the things I've wanted to say. But now I regret saying them because it hurts R with my H.

 

I feel like I'm back at square one. BH is not my second choice. He's my first. I just didn't show that for awhile. And now I've just gone backwards in the whole fiasco.

 

I showed BH this post. I showed him what I was writing and he's been reading all of this. It's going to take him awhile because there are so many pages.

 

I would suspect to your H this came across as you still carrying a cross for him. Which you are. You got your feelings hurt when he dumped you and your actions speak louder than your words.

 

Actions - OM still matters or you would have went the other way.

[Cephalopod]

Why did you call him a coward? Because he wouldn't commit to you? Because he dumped you hard when he was through using you?

 

You aren't close to being over this guy. Not anywhere close.

 

Let me ask you, if he had come running over to you and dropped to his knees crying for you to forgive him and begging you to take him back, what would you have done?

 

Man, I feel so bad for your husband.

[Quiet Storms]

I'm curious why you were upset and crying. If the point was to give you closure as you said, then that would not have been your response.

 

You were upset and crying because he was unresponsive and unfeeling and emotionless to you. And that upset you because you are not over him.

 

I hate to say that when I know your husband is reading, but he deserves to know the truth.

[Friskyone4u]

I saw OM on the street today. Pulled over. Called him a coward. Said a couple other things. Told him goodbye. He was completely unemotional, non-reactive. Asked me how he was supposed to end it?

 

Duh, like a human.

 

Came right home and told BH the whole interaction.

 

I thought I would feel better doing that. I had originally planned to run the other way and I didn't. It was like the whole last few months just came to a head and I thought it would give me closure so I could move on. But all I've done is broken NC.

 

and what's worse is I had an interaction with him, even if it was negative and even though I came home and told BH immediately, I was upset and crying.

 

I don't want OM. I thought that saying those things would set me free of him finally. But all it did was hurt BH more.

 

Had I driven away, I would've regretted not saying the things I've wanted to say. But now I regret saying them because it hurts R with my H.

 

I feel like I'm back at square one. BH is not my second choice. He's my first. I just didn't show that for awhile. And now I've just gone backwards in the whole fiasco.

 

I showed BH this post. I showed him what I was writing and he's been reading all of this. It's going to take him awhile because there are so many pages.

 

 

Deadsoul

 

Very sorry this happened, but I was concerned from the very beginning when you said you had a plan on what you would do since you said you might run in to him.

 

You obviously did the right thing telling your husband immediately, so great job on that.

 

But of all things to say to OM why on earth would you call him a coward. because he basically dumped you??? if I was you Bh that would bother me more than the break of NC. I'm not sure how what you said could be interpreted , and remember perception is sometimes more important that the facts, as anything other than you are pissed he did not break up with you "properly". i might be missing it and I apologize.

 

But why was a single man a coward for stopping having sex with a married woman if he found a girlfriend that he wanted to be faithful to or fo whatever reason. The perception to me is you wanted to hear he was sorry and or missed you or carded for you regardless of whether or not you want him or not. That is a problem you two are now going to probably have to work through.

 

you know you should have ignored him, told hubby you saw him and ignored him.

 

Hope this does not push hubby off the fence. You have tried hard but you better make a promise to yourself to not repeat this one if you run into him again.

[BluesPower]

Guys... Please do not bash her, she made a stupid mistake.

 

She has been one of the few WW that actually did the right thing, and now we are going to bash her for being stupid????

 

She knows she was stupid to have the affair in the first place, she is honest with her husband, doing all the right things.

 

Could everyone give her a break. I am just saying...

[Marc878]

Guys... Please do not bash her, she made a stupid mistake.

 

She has been one of the few WW that actually did the right thing, and now we are going to bash her for being stupid????

 

She knows she was stupid to have the affair in the first place, she is honest with her husband, doing all the right things.

 

Could everyone give her a break. I am just saying...

 

I'm not seeing any bashing. Point out where you see that. From what I'm reading it's some very sound perception and advice.

[deadsoul]

No bashing. All of it well deserved.

 

And I'm looking hard at the truths in everything you've all said.

 

I thought that saying those things today would get me closure so I could finally move on. But it didn't. It just made things worse for BH. I keep hurting the one I love and want a future with.

[Quiet Storms]

No bashing. All of it well deserved.

 

And I'm looking hard at the truths in everything you've all said.

 

I thought that saying those things today would get me closure so I could finally move on. But it didn't. It just made things worse for BH. I keep hurting the one I love and want a future with.

 

On the upside, you aren't making excuses. You immediately told your BH. You're showing him this thread. You are being honest with him.

 

It takes a long time to get over having someone you used to care about treat you like garbage. There is a lot of anger involved. I'm sure that had something to do with your reaction to seeing him.

[Life lessons]

Oh no, dead soul, I am so sorry that you ran into the OM. Don't beat yourself up to bad! We all make dumb decisions. You thought it'd help----you didn't realize you were doing harm.

 

Like the saying goes....hindsights 20 20. It's hard to know what one would do when in a situation such as yours. I would hope that I would avoid the OM, but honestly, I've said a lot of things that I'd hope not to do...that I've done.

 

I saw you mentioned that you told your husband about the encounter. How'd he handle it? I do hope he understands and realizes that you thought this would help and bring closure!

 

I'm keeping up on your thread and I hope you and your H get through this difficult time. I can see that you love him very much. I'm sure he sees that as well.

 

You have been soooo strong!! Much stronger than myself. I don't know if you've mentioned my story to your H, but if so, that may help a little....that way he will realize that you made a choice to tell him...unlike me! I know it's horrible for me to say, but that speaks volumes.

 

Stay strong DS.

 

Also, I just realized I could get pm's so I will check them shortly...

[Life lessons]

I'm curious why you were upset and crying. If the point was to give you closure as you said, then that would not have been your response.

 

You were upset and crying because he was unresponsive and unfeeling and emotionless to you. And that upset you because you are not over him.

 

I hate to say that when I know your husband is reading, but he deserves to know the truth.

 

IMO, it doesn't necessarily mean she's not over him....as far as the "relationship" goes. If I remember correctly they were friends before the A. Correct me if I'm wrong....but if that's the case then it could've been more hurt from the friendship stance than the "relationship" itself. I guess what I'm saying is just because she was upset doesn't necessarily mean she has deeper feelings for him or that she's not over him. I'm also certain that stress in general is playing a huge part on her nerves. She thought it would make her feel better and get some closure....you done the right thing in telling your husband DS.

[Marc878]

IMO, it doesn't necessarily mean she's not over him....as far as the "relationship" goes. If I remember correctly they were friends before the A. Correct me if I'm wrong....but if that's the case then it could've been more hurt from the friendship stance than the "relationship" itself. I guess what I'm saying is just because she was upset doesn't necessarily mean she has deeper feelings for him or that she's not over him. I'm also certain that stress in general is playing a huge part on her nerves. She thought it would make her feel better and get some closure....you done the right thing in telling your husband DS.

 

Sugar coating or making excuses for this doesn't help. You learn more from the harsh truth and reality.

[Life lessons]

Marc, I'm not trying to sugarcoat anything. I'm only saying that there's other views to be looked at.

[Unforseen]

I'm sorry to hear that things turned out that way. As you already know, whatever the reasoning behind it, I'm sorry you didn't just pass on by. I watched my WW send a message to an OM telling him it was done and that they weren't going to be talking anymore. Later I found out that she reached out to him again because she felt she owed him a better explanation. In her D Day confused mind it was the right thing to do. To me it was another twist of the blade in my soul and another example of her complete lack of regard for my feelings.

 

That was difficult for me to 'get over'. I pray that your H will understand that you are lashing out against the OM and that you don't want to see him ever again. I'm also sure that you will learn from your choice and realize the OM isn't worth the breath expended to cast an insult.

[Owl6118]

Some clarity for you both may come from his being able to read this thread. The transparency will move you both forward in the long run, be your road together or apart. So there's that.

 

Draw a line under this day, its done and cant be undone. Try to get some sleep, both of you. You can get to work on starting to understand why you made today's choices as you did, and where you stand after them, in the morning,

[Marc878]

DS, IMO you need to concentrate on IC. At this time I don't think R is a priority.

 

Your H is smart not commiting upfront. R is extremely hard and takes a huge amounted of time and effort. I don't think you're ready for that.

 

Maybe you can be but not right now. I think you grasp the basics and know what's needed but it doesn't seem to me that your heart is in it. Which means it's just not possible at this time.

 

That doesn't mean it can't happen but you'll need full commitment which you don't have at this time. You both need to back off and not rush into this halfheartedly. I think that would be a grave mistake.

 

There is no definite timeline you have to follow. Think this thorough the both of you.

[QuietDan]

I saw OM on the street today. Pulled over. Called him a coward. Said a couple other things. Told him goodbye. He was completely unemotional, non-reactive. Asked me how he was supposed to end it?

 

Duh, like a human.

 

Came right home and told BH the whole interaction.

 

I thought I would feel better doing that. I had originally planned to run the other way and I didn't. It was like the whole last few months just came to a head and I thought it would give me closure so I could move on. But all I've done is broken NC.

 

and what's worse is I had an interaction with him, even if it was negative and even though I came home and told BH immediately, I was upset and crying.

 

I don't want OM. I thought that saying those things would set me free of him finally. But all it did was hurt BH more.

 

Had I driven away, I would've regretted not saying the things I've wanted to say. But now I regret saying them because it hurts R with my H.

 

I feel like I'm back at square one. BH is not my second choice. He's my first. I just didn't show that for awhile. And now I've just gone backwards in the whole fiasco.

 

I showed BH this post. I showed him what I was writing and he's been reading all of this. It's going to take him awhile because there are so many pages.

 

Let's look at the risk of closing this as you desire.

Intimate one on one talk with O.M.

You where/are the pursuer.

You where dumped/ghosted.

If he choses to let you spend time with him to talk, he has all the power.

If you two talk... with your history and the nature of your past relationship, you are immediately at risk for full relapse.

Depending on his mood, the relationship will immediately....with... probable token resistance, go any directions he wants.

Perhaps he might be in the mood to test your limits.

What sort of limits do you have with him?

From all hinted indication, next to none. Maybe after your last bit of dignity and self respect collapses, what ever past limits you had with him would probable evaporate.

Let's take a look at this latest encounter/confrontation.

Calling him a coward, challenging his manhood?

Given your history, do you really want to put him to the test to see if he will try to prove his manhood to you?

Where you interested in reaching some sort of negotiated relationship ending.

Looking for one or two or three or..... departing endearing romantic good bye dates and sexual encounters?

Are you still really wanting to try to talk him out of ending the relationship with you? Hoping that he will reconsider?

You say otherwise. But... really....just... really think about this.... if you didn't care, you would have been able to and would have wanted to ignore him.... avoid any contact with him.

The first concern/thought should be what would your husband want you to do in that situation. You say you love your husband and you want to repair/recover/restore your marriage. How does this help your husband to heal, help restore your husbands trust, help to restore your husbands desire for you, help restore your trust in yourself, help to restore your marriage?

Was this the act of a loving trustworthy wife and mother, or the act of an angry hurt spurned lover?

Any contact with the other man, you risk returning to a full blown wild sex love affair relationship with him.

Is that what you want?

[Dub]

I honestly think the reason you were so emotional was because you miss him and still have feelings and deep down you still didn't want the affair to end, and you are upset with him for ending it. Honestly, from the hints in your posts it seems like you most likely gave this guy every single thing he wanted sexually with no regards for your husband, you probably did things with him that you never did with your husband, and enjoyed sex with him more than you did with your husband which may be the reason you are so emotionally attached to him.

[DKT3]

I'm starting to think that your confession was an attempt to force your husband to end the marriage. Well actually I've thought that since you started posting because of the way you continued to comment about how you would not were the roles reversed. It seems to me that you had an expectation that he would end things prior to your confession​. The more I read the more I'm convinced you simply want husband to pull the plug.

 

As.for.OM, I don't think that was about closure, I think it was subconsciously an attempt to have him make a different choice, to reverse direction. You then run right home and again confess. Yes the right thing to do, but in light of your comments before that, again seems to be an attempt to get husband to pull the plug.

 

Now, I'm not sure what's behind that desire, maybe you feel he deserves better, maybe you just really want to be free so that I'm will see you as single and change his mind, maybe you just don't want to be married anymore. Don't know, I do know your not committed to R or your marriage. No need in beating about the bush on that. It's almost like your packing you're bags in the hope that it will convince him to throw in the towel, while you half heartedly says in a whisper I want to stay, I want it to.work.

 

Maybe it's fear, maybe in all of this you know he will decide to walk, and that is what you're protecting. My wife said she always knew I would divorce her even though she somehow convinced herself I wouldn't. I do that think she opened up to me just to not expose anymore in part because she knew it was ending anyway. Oddly it was once she was holding the divorce papers that she finally because transparent.

[QuietDan]

I saw OM on the street today. Pulled over. Called him a coward. Said a couple other things. Told him goodbye. He was completely unemotional, non-reactive. Asked me how he was supposed to end it?

 

Duh, like a human.

 

Came right home and told BH the whole interaction.

 

I thought I would feel better doing that. I had originally planned to run the other way and I didn't. It was like the whole last few months just came to a head and I thought it would give me closure so I could move on. But all I've done is broken NC.

 

and what's worse is I had an interaction with him, even if it was negative and even though I came home and told BH immediately, I was upset and crying.

 

I don't want OM. I thought that saying those things would set me free of him finally. But all it did was hurt BH more.

 

Had I driven away, I would've regretted not saying the things I've wanted to say. But now I regret saying them because it hurts R with my H.

 

I feel like I'm back at square one. BH is not my second choice. He's my first. I just didn't show that for awhile. And now I've just gone backwards in the whole fiasco.

 

I showed BH this post. I showed him what I was writing and he's been reading all of this. It's going to take him awhile because there are so many pages.

 

lt sounds like O.M. was on foot. Was this near his place of residence or where he likes to hang out? Were you looking for him? Have you been trying to stalk him since he ghosted you?

[deadsoul]

I do not love or want to be with OM. My actions yesterday seem to say otherwise. I did not confess to BH so he would pull the trigger. I was wrong to say I don't think I could R if the shoe was on the other foot because to be honest, I don't know what I would do.

 

One thing the whole fiasco yesterday made me realize is that I was still focusing on a stupid rejection from a person I thought was my friend. I was basing my self-worth on that rejection. When I saw him yesterday, something inside me just snapped. I didn't want him to be sorry and had he been? I don't believe that would've changed anything. I just needed to say the things I said.

 

Maybe I wasn't 100% in on R when I confessed. But my actions yesterday made me realize that yes, I need a lot more work on healing myself because I love my BH. And the talking we did yesterday was more than we've done in years. I came right home and told him about it. Not so he would file. But because I realized I had been dwelling on something stupid. And I really saw the distorted thoughts I had.

 

I'm not responding to individual posts because I'm emotionally drained. I have read each one carefully though and am giving thought to all of it, whether I agree or not. But I feel like yesterday was a huge turning point and wake up call for me. One I desperately needed.

 

I will say it again: yesterday I realized a lot of things. But the main one is I am now 100% in on my BH. I don't expect anyone to believe that. My track record sucks. But my actions from here on out will say it all.

[Marc878]

Good, maybe this was the wake up call you needed.

 

You did seem sort of detached