I confessed

[drifter777]

Seriously? I give up. I'm sitting here pouring out my innards, admitting that I'm dealing with feelings for OM and now my posts are tainted because BH reads them.

 

I just don't know what to say to this other than you're entitled to your opinion.

 

You don't see my point? Think about it from his perspective & tell me I'm wrong.

[deadsoul]

You don't see my point? Think about it from his perspective & tell me I'm wrong.

 

Sunday morning I showed him the thread with 40 pages of posts. Coincidentally, that afternoon I had a run-in with OM. So you are seeing my reactions and posts from that. Especially when I've hit a bit of a turning point.

 

I'm not here to tell you you are right or wrong. To be honest, I think BH looks more at what you guys write than what I write. Because I talk to him. But I will ask him tonight if he feels my posts are tainted and if I'm writing this stuff to manipulate him.

 

I feel as if I'm writing the way I did before.

Edited March 28, 2017 by deadsoul

[QuietDan]

I don't see much of an additional filtering going on.

In some ways you have always had a fairly guarded and filter approach to this thread. I don't remember specifically if thought you might eventually share this thread/ postings. I somewhat assumed that you were posting in a mindful manner as if your husband could eventually end up reading them. Which was fairly wise. It may have limited some of the potential benefits. However, it also limited some of the potential harms, a possible some stumbling blocks for marraige relationship recovery.

[understand50]

Sunday morning I showed him the thread with 40 pages of posts. Coincidentally, that afternoon I had a run-in with OM. So you are seeing my reactions and posts from that. Especially when I've hit a bit of a turning point.

 

I'm not here to tell you you are right or wrong. To be honest, I think BH looks more at what you guys write than what I write. Because I talk to him. But I will ask him tonight if he feels my posts are tainted and if I'm writing this stuff to manipulate him.

 

I feel as if I'm writing the way I did before.

 

Deadsoul,

 

I feel you are writing the same. In many ways I see you struggling with what you have done and coming to terms with the outcome. As I have stated in the past, you need to take what you can from us here. You are the source of truth, as all we have is what you have written. I think your main question as you go along is "How does this hurt or help your reconciliation." You need to focus on your husband and what his needs are in all this. Also keep in mind you are human, and will make errors. You were not born knowing how to do this, you are learning and at a steep learning curve. Your husband is also in the same position. All we can do here is help point you in the right direction, and along our own life experiences.

 

I think you have done very well so far, keeping in mind what you did to cause all this. I am going to post my take on remorse again, as I think it may help you.

 

 

"In the English language, Remorse means the following:

 

noun, deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction.

 

So from a strictly literal grammatical point of view, remorse, is just a handy way of stating that you have regret, shame, guilt and so fourth for your actions. I think for us here, a larger meaning is evident. We have had many give their personal meaning from Mrs J.A, to Merrmeade, Shattered Lady, and others. Each has a take, and "knows" what this means, but in relating gives a twist.

 

Here is what I think, Remorse, true remorse, in the context of infidelity, or any action(s) that you have done to grievously wound your spouse, child or other family members, is the ability to look beyond yourself, your well being, and your own interests and feel the pain and hurt caused by your actions, and in so doing, begin to try and make things right to restore trust in an relationship. It is allowing the injured person to select what they need to heal, from you, and for you to supply it to the best of your understanding and ability. At it core, you place their needs above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. You must lastly become an open book, and live mutually transparent with them.

 

Of course, there are limits. I would say, physical harm, or loss of human dignity should not be offered, or accepted, but the one who has trespassed, must be willing to put the other ahead of them in the relationship."

 

I think that the main point is allowing your husband to decide what he needs from you. If you can do this, I think you can help him heal. Keep in mind he, and you, will never forget what you have done. The key, in my case and my Opinion, to reconciliation, is to build a relationship from the past that allows trust that the "bad" actions will not be repeated, and that respect, and love are re-enforced. Some have stated, that you take on the hurt and pain from them. I do not know how you do that. I think you show you understand, from a deep point of view what you did, and work to show that you will never do it again, and understand all the pain and hurt you inflected.

 

Allowing and then giving your husband what he needs, is not easy. He may not know what he wants, but working to find out, as a couple, and you working to show remorse may be all that needs or can be done.

 

As Always, I wish you luck.......

[jenkins95]

Excellent post Understand50. I've read that three times and will be back for more tomorrow.

 

I too think that she is doing really well.

 

I do feel that some of the criticism on this thread is a little mean. I don't think it was necessary to label the confrontation on Sunday as betrayal. I feel it was really just a lapse of judgement which she regretted immediately. Also, some posters are suggesting that she is manipulating and filtering this thread in the knowledge that her H will read it. Personally i don't buy it, i feel she is being genuine... And there are plenty of things she has written that she would probably cringe at if she knew her H had read it.

 

I'm not attacking the posters who said these things, i agree with most of what they write, and reading honest, no nonsense opinions and criticism will help her to see exactly how bad her choices have been (as it did and does for me). I just feel that deadsoul needs support and that we should cut her a bit of slack.

 

Just my opinion. This is a very interesting thread with lots of excellent contributions. Keep posting guys.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Dead soul

 

Seriously....break time

 

[]

Edited April 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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