I confessed

[deadsoul]

if you don't mind me asking, did you do extremely sexually explicit things with the other guy that you didn't do with your husband? That could have an impact on if he decides to give you another chance.

 

I don't mind you asking. But in the spirit of honesty, I don't want to discuss this on a MB when I haven't discussed it with my BH yet.

Edited February 5, 2017 by deadsoul
added the yet.

[Marc878]

The truth is what you need at this time. An affair can destroy or end a marriage.

 

Lies and trickle truthing will END a marriage.

 

It won't be good upfront but honesty as total and brutal as it is may be your only way of this working out.

 

if your H sees that and an R is possible it will be a big step in recovery if it's possible.

 

This isn't over.

[aliveagain]

For any of you in the midst of an A, picture yourself telling your children that what their father (or mother) said about you is true and that you were selfish and not thinking of the family first. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I expect my children to be angry and hurt for awhile and I respect that and will give them whatever they need to heal. But I have failed as a parent and admitting that honestly was very, very tough. Because I tell you what, "He filled a piece of me that was missing." does not cut it. And that was the excuse I gave to myself about why I was doing it. I convinced myself that I was happier and felt completed.

 

Um yeah. No. Not even close. Like I said, practice saying that to your kids and spouse and see how that flies.

 

 

We refer to that as "rewriting the marriage history" so you can justify to yourself that you are being unfaithful to your family. If you don't rewrite the history you have to accept what it is that you are really doing to all the people that love you. The hardest thing to do is bring your innocent children into adult problems, it's hard from both sides. I had to explain why I was leaving to a five year old, it broke my heart and to this day I have never gotten over it. I am a betrayed spouse who had to endure an affair child who I thought was mine. No one wins when infidelity comes into your life. Whatever your problems were before...................just doesn't come close.

[Marc878]

I don't mind you asking. But in the spirit of honesty, I don't want to discuss this on a MB when I haven't discussed it with my BH yet.

 

You don't need to divulge that.

 

Your kids should only be told in a sanitized overall version. Period!!!!! I do not believe in lying or hiding from older teenage children but common sense needs to be applied here.

[deadsoul]

The truth is what you need at this time. An affair can destroy or end a marriage.

 

Lies and trickle truthing will END a marriage.

 

It won't be good upfront but honesty as total and brutal as it is may be your only way of this working out.

 

if your H sees that and an R is possible it will be a big step in recovery if it's possible.

 

This isn't over.

 

Exactly. I will tell him anything he wants to know. But I don't want to post those details here, if that's okay. I will be honest with all of it. He will also have to be prepared to hear some things he doesn't want to hear. Anything he's asked me so far, I've been completely up front and honest. But I want him to take the initiative on what he wants to know and what he doesn't. Right now he's hurt and angry and doesn't trust me. He may never get over those things. All valid and understandable. I will give him whatever he needs to get through this. I take the blame for this 100%. There was another choice I could've made and I didn't.

[deadsoul]

You don't need to divulge that.

 

Your kids should only be told in a sanitized overall version. Period!!!!! I do not believe in lying or hiding from older teenage children but common sense needs to be applied here.

 

Completely agree. However BS has already given them an un-sanitized version of what he knows so far. So I admitted those things. Because I will no longer lie.

[elaine567]

I haven't read every post and I am sorry if you ave already answered this, but did you have a good solid marriage before all this "madness" happened?

[Marc878]

Exactly. I will tell him anything he wants to know. But I don't want to post those details here, if that's okay. I will be honest with all of it. He will also have to be prepared to hear some things he doesn't want to hear. Anything he's asked me so far, I've been completely up front and honest. But I want him to take the initiative on what he wants to know and what he doesn't. Right now he's hurt and angry and doesn't trust me. He may never get over those things. All valid and understandable. I will give him whatever he needs to get through this. I take the blame for this 100%. There was another choice I could've made and I didn't.

 

This is no ones business. It's between you and your H

 

Only answer what he asks for. let him make the decision on it. He may or may not want details.

[Marc878]

If you haven't once he calms down some it would be good to ask for a chance at Reconcilling. Give him plenty of space first and don't push it. You'll know when the time is right if that's what you seek.

 

At least he'll know you are willing. Sometimes asking at the right time/moment makes a difference.

[aliveagain]

Please do not tell him you made a mistake, no one makes a mistake for a year. Tell him you were weak, you were stupid and above all else you were confused and made stupid, stupid choices and if he can see it within himself to give you a second chance you will spend the rest of your life earning his forgiveness. Then just shut up. The sun will always shine after every storm, there is still hope as long as your under the same roof.

Edited February 5, 2017 by aliveagain

[MidnightBlue1980]

Completely agree. However BS has already given them an un-sanitized version of what he knows so far. So I admitted those things. Because I will no longer lie.

 

How old are your kids? Mine know nothing of everything that happened but I heard they drew a lot of sad pictures in school and at my in-laws. I see it is too late for you but I have no intention of telling my kids any of what happened between us, it is not their business. Your husband will probably regret telling your kids. While many people don't judge or even really care apart from some juicy gossip, kids can be very impacted by these things and it can really have a detrimental impact on them in their adult lives. On the other hand, if they are older, I don't know, I guess it helps them see that life is not perfect.

 

Get used to the abuse from your husband. I suffered it for months. Words I can't type here. Shoving me, fist threatening in my face, public humiliation. If I didn't have kids and was not basically trapped in the marriage, would I have left? Yes. It is really hard to rebuild a marriage after an affair, plus he had one too but somehow that was different. Finally I did say enough, or I'm out. It did stop and it's better today but in a fight, he will bring it up, and I will bring up his, only to have something to throw at him. It honestly sucks. Your marriage is basically never the same after these things. You are left with a broken marriage and all these feelings for someone else who does not give a crap about you. It's all bad.

 

I guess I should end this on a positive note. My kids are very happy today. They don't remember 2015 and are doing well. So there is that.

[Marc878]

In case you haven't other man and anything pertaining to nil will have to be purged permanently.

[Owl6118]

In case you haven't other man and anything pertaining to nil will have to be purged permanently.

 

Many -- including me -- would recommend that you NOT purge any digital evidence. If you have emails, chat transcripts, or electronic data, please do not delete it unilaterally.

[aliveagain]

Many -- including me -- would recommend that you NOT purge any digital evidence. If you have emails, chat transcripts, or electronic data, please do not delete it unilaterally.

 

Only with the approval of your husband.

[Marc878]

Many -- including me -- would recommend that you NOT purge any digital evidence. If you have emails, chat transcripts, or electronic data, please do not delete it unilaterally.

 

Ah, good point. I was thinking along the lines of no personal contact, social media, gifts, etc.

[Zenstudent]

There's a question you should prepare for - a question that will remain in your husbands head for a very long time:

 

"If you didn't value our marriage any more than you thought it was ok to stab me in the back and leave me bleeding - why is it suddenly good enough to save? "

 

Do you have any idea about the amount of work it's gonna take to rebuild?

[deadsoul]

There's a question you should prepare for - a question that will remain in your husbands head for a very long time:

 

"If you didn't value our marriage any more than you thought it was ok to stab me in the back and leave me bleeding - why is it suddenly good enough to save? "

 

Do you have any idea about the amount of work it's gonna take to rebuild?

 

The question about the state of our marriage... we have had some problems and as I've said many times before, I had a choice and I made the wrong one in trying to solve it with an A.

 

He has already asked this question, Zen. And my answer is that sometimes you have to make the wrong choice(s) (because I did it more than once!) to figure out what the right one was all along. And I'm sorry that it isn't a fantastic game changing answer, but that's the honest truth.

 

Blue, the kids are teens. I wasn't planning to divulge as much information as they've been given, but I also wasn't going to lie to them.

 

The comment about choices and mistakes? I think it's just words. Yes I made choices. Yes, those choices were mistakes. Does it matter what we call it? I f-ed up royally. I will be paying a price for this for a long, long time. I'm not feeling the relationship will be salvageable without intervention (counseling), but I'm willing to do what it takes and do the work to try. I may try for a long time and it may not work out in the end, but I will at least be able to say I tried to do the right thing after doing the wrong one for so long. To me, that's more than worth the effort and time. I do believe our initial issues will have to be looked at and that's where he may find he has some work to do and he may not be able to do that work.

 

One thing I did was disable all my social media accounts and delete them all from my phone.

[Owl6118]

The comment about choices and mistakes? I think it's just words. Yes I made choices. Yes, those choices were mistakes. Does it matter what we call it?

 

You get the underlying point, but BSes can be very particular about the words. They are looking for the words as well as the underlying sentiment. It's just a helpful guideline.

 

Deleting social media is a good step.

 

You are making a whole series of good choices. Keep on. They will pay dividends to YOU, as steps to rebuilding your respect for yourself, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.

[deadsoul]

You get the underlying point, but BSes can be very particular about the words. They are looking for the words as well as the underlying sentiment. It's just a helpful guideline.

 

 

Good point. Thanks for that.

[sandylee1]

You certainly seem to have done some self reflection and realised the affair was a bad choice.

 

Will you accept it if your children want to live with their dad if/when you separate or get divorced?

 

They probably don't see you as a safe parent right now.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I really don't have a bunch of advice as you have really addressed all of the issues and well on your way to recovery. Don't concede any of your legal rights out of guilt for the affair, they are two different things. Think about custody, visitation, finances and develop a plan. The more that you and your husband can agree to between yourselves, the less that we be eaten up in attorney fees. You need to forgive yourself, even if your husband cannot. Your husband is hurt and may say some mean and hurtful things before it is over. I tell all betrayed spouses that post here that there WS deserves to be treated with respect for their children's sake if nothing else. Really nothing is ever gained in being spiteful, it lowers you not the person you are attempting to injure.

 

You did mention that there were issues in the marriage before the affair that you wished you had addressed. Do you think that your husband would have listened? I know that has nothing to do with the affair, but was just curious. Finally, take inventory of the marriage and those things that you could have done better if given another chance. This will be beneficial regardless if you reconcile or not. Best of luck to you and your family.

[deadsoul]

You certainly seem to have done some self reflection and realised the affair was a bad choice.

 

Will you accept it if your children want to live with their dad if/when you separate or get divorced?

 

They probably don't see you as a safe parent right now.

 

I will have to accept it. They are old enough to choose. And that's a horrible spot to put them in, but if they don't want the traditional 50/50 agreement, I am not going to fight their wishes. I'm going to do my best to build my relationships back up with them. I have to earn their trust again as well.

[deadsoul]

I really don't have a bunch of advice as you have really addressed all of the issues and well on your way to recovery. Don't concede any of your legal rights out of guilt for the affair, they are two different things. Think about custody, visitation, finances and develop a plan. The more that you and your husband can agree to between yourselves, the less that we be eaten up in attorney fees. You need to forgive yourself, even if your husband cannot. Your husband is hurt and may say some mean and hurtful things before it is over. I tell all betrayed spouses that post here that there WS deserves to be treated with respect for their children's sake if nothing else. Really nothing is ever gained in being spiteful, it lowers you not the person you are attempting to injure.

 

You did mention that there were issues in the marriage before the affair that you wished you had addressed. Do you think that your husband would have listened? I know that has nothing to do with the affair, but was just curious. Finally, take inventory of the marriage and those things that you could have done better if given another chance. This will be beneficial regardless if you reconcile or not. Best of luck to you and your family.

 

I don't feel on my way to recovery. I feel quite the opposite.

 

He didn't listen to the issues. But that's still no excuse. I needed to do more and try harder. In a way, it does have to do with the A because I turned to that rather than trying harder. In my mind, I was justifying what I was doing, which was wrong.

[Marc878]

I don't feel on my way to recovery. I feel quite the opposite.

 

He didn't listen to the issues. But that's still no excuse. I needed to do more and try harder. In a way, it does have to do with the A because I turned to that rather than trying harder. In my mind, I was justifying what I was doing, which was wrong.

 

No marriages are perfect. They must be owned by both @ 50/50 or balanced.

 

Your therapist must be a good one. Your knowledge around this is good and if it is to be saved now you'll need all the help, wisdom you can get.

[road]

If you want to go straight to divorce and skip any chance at R this would probably do it.

 

Thinking clever is what put you where you're at.

 

IMO if you want to try and save your marriage keep a low profile at this time. Your H can't just take everything without your signature on the bottom line.

 

I agree consulting lawyers is not how a WW shows her BH that she

wants to recover their marriage.