I confessed

[Overtaxed]

Just wanted to jump in an add my experience with trickle truthing from my WW.

 

It's a cancer. Once the A is exposed, the wronged spouse has no confidence in anything their partner says. Trickle truth is about the worst thing you can possibly do to re-establish that trust. My wife started off with some "less hurtful" stuff, and then, as the days progressed, got into the more and more damaging stuff. It put me into a constant state of crisis. Every day, more bombs dropping. And, of course, the stuff that gets trickled is the stuff that's most important to the faithful spouse (in my case, sexual stuff; in other cases, emotional stuff). My wife came clean with the emotional stuff fast, but then the sexual stuff trickled out. I still don't have it all, and, funny thing, she knows it, because she knows I have most of the electronic communication.

 

I understand the reason WS's do this, I do. But, trust me, if your partner is asking for the truth, you need to give it to them, immediately. If it's something you're really worried about, you might say "I'll answer that question, but would really like us both to sleep on it before I do". Once your spouse knows, he/she can never "unknow" it. And I think some spouses would rather not know that you never loved someone like you did the AP, or that the sex was better than he/she ever had before. I'm not that person, I need to know; but I don't think everyone is like that.

[Buckeye2]

I was selfish and stupid and addicted to the excitement and the feelings that came with the A.

 

Please search for a TED Talk by Hellen Fisher. Why we cheat, why we love.

 

It will help you understand.

[aliveagain]

Prepare a full timeline of the events, leave nothing out no matter how brutal it is for him to read and seal it in a brown envelope. Let him decide if he wants to read it and if a second chance is on the table. There can be no trickle truth and no secrets left between you and the other man. That is key. Give him a copy of your STD screens, proof that you are not pregnant and above all transparency. Do the work to make yourself a safer person to be with. Let him tell you what he needs if reconciliation is even an option, for some infidelity is just a deal breaker. Take all the sh*t he throws at you, own what you did, show by your actions that you are doing what is necessary to fix this, he is the prize.

 

This is part of my first post to you and in my opinion still stands. By writing out the full timeline you are showing him that you are not hiding anything, that there are no secrets left between you and the other man, this is a very key point. Any secrets between you and the O/M will be viewed as you choosing to protect O/M over your husband, by writing them out and handing them to your husband in a sealed envelope it shows that you are choosing your husband. He can now decide how much he wants to know because it's all there. This now gives the power that you gave to O/M back to your husband. Have your discussions with your husband, the truth is in his hands if he wants it, just answer the questions he asks of you. Make it his choice.

 

I have read that trickle truth kills more marriages then the affairs themselves. I see you changed your response about having the other man in your home, it is different from your response from last night. I understand why you did and quite frankly your priority is your husband, he should be the first to know. Honesty is still your best option, your husband is very angry and hurt but he still loves you as he did the week before all this happened. You can't stop loving someone that has been that important in your life that fast, under that anger is love, you still have a chance. Remember when you talk to him, the problems in the marriage you both own, this is all on you so own it, don't blame shift, don't use the word mistake, tell him you made bad choices, selfish choices and that you will spend the rest of your life making it up to him. Good luck.

[Marc878]

Although an affair is a lie. Your truthfulness going forward will be noticed by your H. It will be one less thing he has to wonder about. It won't be easy but it's a huge step forward for you and maybe the only thing that can bring you back together.

[Bryanp]

I wish you luck but honestly if you had engaged in any

sexual intimacy in your home; It will be extremely difficult

for your husband to get over it. It truly is the ultimate in humiliation

and disrespect. If true, then your husband will never view your home in the same way again. A home is above all where you should always feel safe and if it is violated then there really is no longer a home anymore but merely a building.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I wish you luck but honestly if you had engaged in any

sexual intimacy in your home; It will be extremely difficult

for your husband to get over it. It truly is the ultimate in humiliation

and disrespect. If true, then your husband will never view your home in the same way again. A home is above all where you should always feel safe and if it is violated then there really is no longer a home anymore but merely a building.

 

It might be extremely difficult for you to get over or someone else to get over but we have no idea what her husband might think.

 

Many told my husband to divorce me... and maybe he should have.. but he didn't. I think he even surprised himself..

 

But we never know how much we can bear or tolerate until we are in that position.

 

Reconciliation is difficult... period

 

And if this husband desires reconciliation... then as difficult as it will be... there is hope

[alsudduth]

Hi DeadSoul - I think it's great that you are holding yourself accountable. As a WS myself, I understand how hard it is on all fronts.

 

Keep seeing your counselor, keep answering your husbands questions honestly when they come, keep up with NC. The feelings you have for the OM will wane with time. It is not easy. I am at 7 months NC with my OM. I still have days where I feel weak. But like you, knowing how much I hurt my Husband and knowing that I've been given a chance to keep my family together and happy is enough to squash the thoughts of the OM pretty quick. And it's getting easier and easier.

 

Be ready to accept the consequences if your husband can't move past this. I didn't confess my affair, I got caught - and if I wanted to I could have easily explained my way out of it - but I was tired, and I hated who I became during that time, and I was tired of my husband and I constantly struggling in our relationship. I was ready for a divorce if that was what he decided, so I confessed everything to him when he saw text messages from the OM. It takes a lot of courage to confess. You are brave.

 

Work on finding your way back to yourself, and forgiving yourself for your affair. Once you are a happier, healthier person in mind anything can happen. Including reconciliation if you are truly remorseful for your actions. You can't change what happened, you can only learn from it and be a better you going forward. REGARDLESS of whether your husband divorces you or not.

 

Good Luck!

[Marc878]

I agree that the addiction dies hard. Luckily he won't contact me so I don't feel there's an issue there and I'm definitely not contacting him. I've learned to never say never though and this is what will keep me from going back: my family knows him and knows it WAS him. We've taken all the steps to block him out of our lives. Whenever I get those stupid thoughts in my head about him, I replace them with my BH's face and my kids' faces when they found out who it was and what I did. Plus, I am seeing a therapist.

 

I am determined to make better choices and anything involving him in any way, shape or form goes against everything I'm working for.

 

That said, it could happen. But an alcoholic always has to be aware that one sip can land them right back in it. I feel like this will be a similar type of battle for me

 

In most cases the OM will try and reconnect at some point. Just be prepared.

[alsudduth]

In most cases the OM will try and reconnect at some point. Just be prepared.

 

Yup. They always do. Mine has done so a couple of times, I've ignored the attempts and told my Husband as soon as it happened. OP - I think that will be important for your Husband to know that you are on HIS side now. Do what you have to in order to show your Husband that this A is over. A harsh truth I've learned is that the OM is no friend to you, how can someone love you and be willing to engage in an affair with someone that can and does harm the most important people in your life (your kids and your husband)

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yup. They always do. Mine has done so a couple of times, I've ignored the attempts and told my Husband as soon as it happened. OP - I think that will be important for your Husband to know that you are on HIS side now. Do what you have to in order to show your Husband that this A is over. A harsh truth I've learned is that the OM is no friend to you, how can someone love you and be willing to engage in an affair with someone that can and does harm the most important people in your life (your kids and your husband)

 

HMMMM.... my OM has not contacted me one single time...nor have i contacted him....so I guess they don't always.

[aliveagain]

Just checking in on you, couldn't help think about your husband and you and your situation. I was sitting at my desk answering emails to our Vancouver office, nice that I can work from home, I guess that's one of the benefits of being a founder. A song came on that was written by Bob Dylan but sung by Adele, I love both versions. It's about someone who is very in love with someone who is in a lot of pain, again, you and your husbands situation immediately came to mind. The song is called "Make You Feel My Love" (damn I hate it when I get sentimental).

 

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the earth for you

To make you feel my love

 

Give Adele's version a try, hope it helps you think about ways to deal with your situation. Give it a listen.

[drifter777]

HMMMM.... my OM has not contacted me one single time...nor have i contacted him....so I guess they don't always.

 

If I remember correctly your sexual infidelity was a one-time thing with a college professor. Not to be crass - but he may not have contacted you again because he had so much no-strings sex available he didn't "need" to pursue any one woman/girl.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If I remember correctly your sexual infidelity was a one-time thing with a college professor. Not to be crass - but he may not have contacted you again because he had so much no-strings sex available he didn't "need" to pursue any one woman/girl.

 

you are correct...

 

i was responding to Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post

In most cases the OM will try and reconnect at some point. Just be prepared.

 

 

Yup. They always do.

 

no they don't always

[drifter777]

you are correct...

 

i was responding to Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post

In most cases the OM will try and reconnect at some point. Just be prepared.

 

Yup. They always do.

 

no they don't always

 

I can certainly see how both parties in an affair many times have difficulty disengaging from each other. The excitement & sex must be hard to quit cold-turkey.

[RecentChange]

 

Yup. They always do.

 

no they don't always

 

My other man was also a FWB like the OP's. We were close for about a year, sex for 6 months before D Day (so not a one time thing).

 

It's been just over a year now, and we have NEVER contacted each other again. I have never reached out in any way, neither has he.

 

We pass each other on the street occasionally - and do not share more than glance in each other's direction.

 

It is not universal that the other man will reach out again. Perhaps in these fantasy "love" affairs, but in my experience, not in one's that were primarily sex.

[deadsoul]

Just checking in on you, couldn't help think about your husband and you and your situation. I was sitting at my desk answering emails to our Vancouver office, nice that I can work from home, I guess that's one of the benefits of being a founder. A song came on that was written by Bob Dylan but sung by Adele, I love both versions. It's about someone who is very in love with someone who is in a lot of pain, again, you and your husbands situation immediately came to mind. The song is called "Make You Feel My Love" (damn I hate it when I get sentimental).

 

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the earth for you

To make you feel my love

 

Give Adele's version a try, hope it helps you think about ways to deal with your situation. Give it a listen.

 

Thank you. Your post really means a lot to me. I'm taking a day at a time. I will check it out.

[deadsoul]

My other man was also a FWB like the OP's. We were close for about a year, sex for 6 months before D Day (so not a one time thing).

 

It's been just over a year now, and we have NEVER contacted each other again. I have never reached out in any way, neither has he.

 

We pass each other on the street occasionally - and do not share more than glance in each other's direction.

 

It is not universal that the other man will reach out again. Perhaps in these fantasy "love" affairs, but in my experience, not in one's that were primarily sex.

 

I would be extremely surprised if he contacted me. I really don't expect it. But if he does, I will immediately tell BH. But Knowing OM, he won't.

[deadsoul]

Hi DeadSoul - I think it's great that you are holding yourself accountable. As a WS myself, I understand how hard it is on all fronts.

 

Keep seeing your counselor, keep answering your husbands questions honestly when they come, keep up with NC. The feelings you have for the OM will wane with time. It is not easy. I am at 7 months NC with my OM. I still have days where I feel weak. But like you, knowing how much I hurt my Husband and knowing that I've been given a chance to keep my family together and happy is enough to squash the thoughts of the OM pretty quick. And it's getting easier and easier.

 

Be ready to accept the consequences if your husband can't move past this. I didn't confess my affair, I got caught - and if I wanted to I could have easily explained my way out of it - but I was tired, and I hated who I became during that time, and I was tired of my husband and I constantly struggling in our relationship. I was ready for a divorce if that was what he decided, so I confessed everything to him when he saw text messages from the OM. It takes a lot of courage to confess. You are brave.

 

Work on finding your way back to yourself, and forgiving yourself for your affair. Once you are a happier, healthier person in mind anything can happen. Including reconciliation if you are truly remorseful for your actions. You can't change what happened, you can only learn from it and be a better you going forward. REGARDLESS of whether your husband divorces you or not.

 

Good Luck!

 

Thank you. I remember reading your story while I was in A. I'm rereading some of the stories now that I'm out and have confessed. I'm finding I'm reading with a completely different perspective. Thank you for your comments. It really helped me to read this today.

[deadsoul]

This is part of my first post to you and in my opinion still stands. By writing out the full timeline you are showing him that you are not hiding anything, that there are no secrets left between you and the other man, this is a very key point. Any secrets between you and the O/M will be viewed as you choosing to protect O/M over your husband, by writing them out and handing them to your husband in a sealed envelope it shows that you are choosing your husband. He can now decide how much he wants to know because it's all there. This now gives the power that you gave to O/M back to your husband. Have your discussions with your husband, the truth is in his hands if he wants it, just answer the questions he asks of you. Make it his choice.

 

I have read that trickle truth kills more marriages then the affairs themselves. I see you changed your response about having the other man in your home, it is different from your response from last night. I understand why you did and quite frankly your priority is your husband, he should be the first to know. Honesty is still your best option, your husband is very angry and hurt but he still loves you as he did the week before all this happened. You can't stop loving someone that has been that important in your life that fast, under that anger is love, you still have a chance. Remember when you talk to him, the problems in the marriage you both own, this is all on you so own it, don't blame shift, don't use the word mistake, tell him you made bad choices, selfish choices and that you will spend the rest of your life making it up to him. Good luck.

 

Yes. I changed it once I realized you guys are asking the tough questions he's going to ask, but he deserves the answers to those questions so I'm not going to answer them here. But it's been good for me to get these questions because I think they will be asked and I'm preparing for it and how I will be completely transparent. So please know I'm not ignoring anything that's been posted here. I've been given so much to think about and know I'm doing this work. Just not publicly. Trust me. There's no denial here. Not anymore.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I can certainly see how both parties in an affair many times have difficulty disengaging from each other. The excitement & sex must be hard to quit cold-turkey.

 

I have read stories where disengaging is very difficult....a dear friend of mine was in an affair for 2 years....her affair was discovered...so she ended it...except she did not end it....and she was discovered again. Her BS held her on his lap as she wept for the AP...that was 2 years ago...and this time she has remained faithful to her BS....

 

So yes....I think in some cases....it is very difficult to "break up" with the affair partner.

 

But in my case it was not difficult and there has never been any contact. I guess after reading some remarks here....i am not the only one in the "no contact" category.

 

This WW seems pretty sure "no contact" will not be a problem.

[drifter777]

I have read stories where disengaging is very difficult....a dear friend of mine was in an affair for 2 years....her affair was discovered...so she ended it...except she did not end it....and she was discovered again. Her BS held her on his lap as she wept for the AP...that was 2 years ago...and this time she has remained faithful to her BS....

 

She wept for OM and her BH comforted her? Are you kidding me? That "man" deserved to be cheated on again.

[ShatteredLady]

She wept for OM and her BH comforted her? Are you kidding me? That "man" deserved to be cheated on again.

 

No-one deserves "to be cheated on". We're all very different & deal with our relationships in different ways. There are different kinds of strength & that man was doing what he felt best in his situation.

[understand50]

I have read stories where disengaging is very difficult....a dear friend of mine was in an affair for 2 years....her affair was discovered...so she ended it...except she did not end it....and she was discovered again. Her BS held her on his lap as she wept for the AP...that was 2 years ago...and this time she has remained faithful to her BS....

 

No-one deserves "to be cheated on". We're all very different & deal with our relationships in different ways. There are different kinds of strength & that man was doing what he felt best in his situation.

 

She wept for OM and her BH comforted her? Are you kidding me? That "man" deserved to be cheated on again.

 

ALL,

 

This brings up what is the one thing we do not do well here, acknowledge that each couple and circumstance is different, and while our own experience can point to a way forward, it is up to the OP (WS or BS) to find out what works.

 

I said it before, but we are are just whispers on the internet, and you must take what you need. Read everything, as it may get you thinking, and just thinking and planing is what is first needed most when infidelity hits. This is all just our own opinions on what should be done, and needs to be taken as such. There is no one magic list of actions to take, ether for reconciliation or divorce, or something in between. The bloody hell is that both BS or WS will need to find a path for them. You are alone in this, we can only hope, advise and commiserate in the end.

 

My two cents.....

[HeCantBreakMe]

No-one deserves "to be cheated on". We're all very different & deal with our relationships in different ways. There are different kinds of strength & that man was doing what he felt best in his situation.

 

I agree Shattered. Your friends husband sounds like a strong man. It takes a lot of humbling yourself, internal strength, and a belief if in the other person and your marriage to be this person.

[deadsoul]

ALL,

 

This brings up what is the one thing we do not do well here, acknowledge that each couple and circumstance is different, and while our own experience can point to a way forward, it is up to the OP (WS or BS) to find out what works.

 

I said it before, but we are are just whispers on the internet, and you must take what you need. Read everything, as it may get you thinking, and just thinking and planing is what is first needed most when infidelity hits. This is all just our own opinions on what should be done, and needs to be taken as such. There is no one magic list of actions to take, ether for reconciliation or divorce, or something in between. The bloody hell is that both BS or WS will need to find a path for them. You are alone in this, we can only hope, advise and commiserate in the end.

 

My two cents.....

 

I completely agree about this. We are all coming from different stages and perspectives and some might be more helpful than others. To be honest, there have been comments on this thread that have been very painful for me to read, but they have me thinking. Even if I don't reply to them here, I have taken in every comment and have decided which ones I really need to think about more and others that I just acknowledge might not fit my situation as much. I have to say that nearly every comment here has given me a great deal to think about. I'm considering things that my initial reaction has been, "no way, that's not me..." but as I think about it more, it may be me and I have to consider and be open to those ideas.

 

It's hard. I'm sure I've triggered people here that have been hurt by actions like mine and it's hard that I'm admitting to something awful, that I swore I'd never do and did multiple times.