Having a horrible, heartwreching breakup...

[morrowrd]

You need to mature, and start learning to be a man. Indecisiveness is crippling, and it's emasculating you, as is Stacy. You are choosing to stay with her, not because she said she'd change, but because she's hot. Your ex girlfriend is too good for you, you discarded her because of what? Boredom? If your so blind to pass up something good, for someone like Stacy who is a dirty girl, (but hot), you don't belong in a relationship. Date, yes - but stay out of relationships until you've learned how to be decisive, and know what you want.

[devastatedguy]

Hi everyone.

 

Thank you for your replies. I'm in a very fragile state at the moment. I haven't eaten or slept in days. I spoke to my counselor in regards to my ex who said that it was okay for me to take up contact with my ex again, and be completely honest with my ex of what has happened to me. My counselor said that I could then start building something with my ex very slowly and in the process also focus on healing. How does that sound?

 

I am just struggling with one thing, since I have broken up with Stacy, she has come to my house and she broke down in tears, she had a complete panic attack. Whenever I mention my ex she complete breaks down. She promises she will change, she promises never to do it again. She says she's realized how wrong she was. She's honestly completely broken down.

 

I know this is probably a dumb question, but should I believe her? Maybe she can change? What do you think would happen if I went back there? Thank you so much for your help.

[DarrenB]

 

I know this is probably a dumb question, but should I believe her? Maybe she can change? What do you think would happen if I went back there? Thank you so much for your help.

 

What would happen? You'd potentially be in the same predicament all over again, lose all of the progress that you've made from the initial point of re-development and perhaps be more mentally and emotionally worse than you already currently are.

 

From all that's transpired, what is there to really salvage and savor? there's been countless mistakes and calamities from various people's behalves.

 

It's not wise to go back and I wouldn't suggest it in the slightest. Change doesn't happen overnight, it requires a lot of self-fufillment/preservation, acknowledgement and a lot of time and patience. If you want the same outcome and to be tormented all over again, do so. However, again I say I do not suggest it.

[mikeylo]

Don't. Just don't.

 

She is reeling you in with tears? Talk about manipulation tactics ! Like the other poster asked, is she an older woman ? She can sense your weaknesses and is using them to her advantage and you are getting sucked in, again. Among other goodness of your ex, add another : she didn't manipulate you despite of knowing your weaknesses.

 

Choose wisely.

[anika99]

Hi everyone.

 

Thank you for your replies. I'm in a very fragile state at the moment. I haven't eaten or slept in days. I spoke to my counselor in regards to my ex who said that it was okay for me to take up contact with my ex again, and be completely honest with my ex of what has happened to me. My counselor said that I could then start building something with my ex very slowly and in the process also focus on healing. How does that sound?

 

I am just struggling with one thing, since I have broken up with Stacy, she has come to my house and she broke down in tears, she had a complete panic attack. Whenever I mention my ex she complete breaks down. She promises she will change, she promises never to do it again. She says she's realized how wrong she was. She's honestly completely broken down.

 

I know this is probably a dumb question, but should I believe her? Maybe she can change? What do you think would happen if I went back there? Thank you so much for your help.

 

OMG, this post above is exactly why you need to stay away from your ex. One minute your saying how wonderful and amazing she is, you can't lose her, she's the one, blah, blah, blah, and then in the next breath you wonder if maybe you should hook up with Stacy again. When it comes to your ex you just want to use her to make yourself feel better. You don't love her and if you bring her back into your life right now it means you don't even respect her as a fellow human being, she is just an object to soothe your ego.

 

[]

Edited January 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
unproductive to topic ~6

[KatZee]

And now you've learned a lesson. Grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greenest where you water it. You were bored. Normal. What do you think happens when you are with someone for many years? How do you think people stay married for 20,30,40,50 years? They work at it. Every single day. There's not one day you get to be lazy. Complacent. Indifferent. Unwilling to make changes. The second that happens? You get this scenario. Disgusting. You need every std test on the planet.

[mikeylo]

OP. while youve stated how your ex loved you and made you feel ( complete opposite of your current ), you dont actually love her. If you did, you wouldnt give a second thought about this Stacey anymore.

 

[]

 

If you choose to go back to ex, this Stacey will be a wedge that you have created and allowing.

 

I guess, leave the poor ex alone. []

Edited January 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
unproductive to topic ~6

[anika99]

And now you've learned a lesson. Grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greenest where you water it. You were bored. Normal. What do you think happens when you are with someone for many years? How do you think people stay married for 20,30,40,50 years? They work at it. Every single day. There's not one day you get to be lazy. Complacent. Indifferent. Unwilling to make changes. The second that happens? You get this scenario. Disgusting. You need every std test on the planet.

 

He hasn't learned his lesson at all. In his last post he asked if maybe he should get back together with Stacy. He just wants to use his ex to make himself feel better.

[bachdude]

OP, I hope you are kinder to yourself than many posters on this thread have been.

[bachdude]

Hi everyone.

 

with my ex of what has happened to me. My counselor said that I could then start building something with my ex very slowly and in the process also focus on healing. How does that sound?

 

 

How does that sound? It sounds like you need to fire your counselor!

 

 

Where is Satu?

 

 

I've seen this before. I lived it with my ex wife! Yes the tears and more tears. Promises and more promises.

 

 

And right when I thought we had moved past it, I find out the affair is still going on.

 

 

Besides, OP, you are a wreck because of this girl. You aren't even in a position to have a relationship right now.

 

 

If you were married and had kids together I would be more understanding of trying to see if it can work out. But gosh, do you know how much damage has been done to this relationship (well, of course, you know!) and how much work it will take to get it to the point of being healthy? And that assumes she truly changes!

 

 

With literally billions of women in the world, gosh, just take some time out and start fresh with a new GF.

[preraph]

My only advice to you is really for the benefit of your ex. Unless you are certain that you will never again leave your ex because something newer and shinier that looks like a model comes along, then let your ex move on with her life and get past you. I know right now you're tellling yourself this Stacy was evil and for the moment you probably think all good looking women are evil. Truth is she is good looking and has options and simply wasn't committed to you. Right now, you may think you learned your lesson, but six months from now, maybe you meet some doe-eyed beauty who seems all innocent and good and pure and you think, and rightly so, that she will treat you right. And maybe she will.

 

My point is, unless your relationship with your ex is all you'll ever need or want and not just a soft place to lay your head, do her a favor and let her find a man who thinks she is everything.

[devastatedguy]

Thanks bachdude for your kind words.

Alot of harsh words in this forum. I dont blame you all - but I came here for some comfort. I cant speak to anyone about this, its embarassing and disgusting and believe me when I say, no one is judging me more right now than I am myself.

 

I dont want to go back to my ex because she is going to "boost my ego" or just to use her. I want to go back to her because I feel like I am about to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. This girl was with me when I was ill, when I was poor, when I didnt have a job, when I had family problems, when I at was the worst point of my life. She is a good girl and I know that one day, believe i or not...I can be a good man to her. I have finally realised WHO she is- I finally know what real love is.

 

Maybe I need to dig deeper because, I actually fell for a girl like Stacy. I mean she did pretend to be a sweet girl at first, loving, caring..allt of that She wasnt. I know I asked in my previous post "can she ever change". Please people, im lost and im confused. Im a broken excuse of a man right now. Im writing this post out of complete devestation. The worst part is that I feel like I need validation from Stacy. I need her to beg me to come back, to chase me. All of it. I want to see her suffer. Has anyone that has ever been cheated on ever felt the same? Even if I did go back, what kind of relationship would it be. Its so disgusting. Please everyone dont judge me because im probably condraticting myself so much but my mind is all over the place and I am in the darkest place Ive ever been in my life.

[devastatedguy]

to those who have been cheated on...Can you please tell me more about your story? how did you cope with it? and did you stay with your partner?

 

I was cheated on multiple times by my ex girlfriend, with multiple men. It hurts so much. I cant eat, i cant sleep. Im anxious all the time, I feel so depressed. I just dont understand, why me? How could she do that? I feel like I want and need validation from her, that Im good enough. Please help me anyone.

[Redhead14]

Thanks bachdude for your kind words.

Alot of harsh words in this forum. I dont blame you all - but I came here for some comfort. I cant speak to anyone about this, its embarassing and disgusting and believe me when I say, no one is judging me more right now than I am myself.

 

I dont want to go back to my ex because she is going to "boost my ego" or just to use her. I want to go back to her because I feel like I am about to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. This girl was with me when I was ill, when I was poor, when I didnt have a job, when I had family problems, when I at was the worst point of my life. She is a good girl and I know that one day, believe i or not...I can be a good man to her. I have finally realised WHO she is- I finally know what real love is.

 

Maybe I need to dig deeper because, I actually fell for a girl like Stacy. I mean she did pretend to be a sweet girl at first, loving, caring..allt of that She wasnt. I know I asked in my previous post "can she ever change". Please people, im lost and im confused. Im a broken excuse of a man right now. Im writing this post out of complete devestation. The worst part is that I feel like I need validation from Stacy. I need her to beg me to come back, to chase me. All of it. I want to see her suffer. Has anyone that has ever been cheated on ever felt the same? Even if I did go back, what kind of relationship would it be. Its so disgusting. Please everyone dont judge me because im probably condraticting myself so much but my mind is all over the place and I am in the darkest place Ive ever been in my life.

 

The harshness you perceive here isn't about being harsh to make you feel worse, it's about taking you by the shoulders and shaking you to help you break the mind-f'ing you're doing to yourself.

 

You broke up with the first Ex for several reasons apparently, not the least of which was simply that you were unhappy. She may have been wonderful, but in the end, just not what YOU needed and that's not going to change now even if you were able to go back to her.

 

The second EX was not a good partner for different reasons. She sounds to be a very confused and immature young woman who has few, if any, boundaries. It isn't any fault or shortcoming of yours. It's HER problem. She doesn't respect herself or men either, I'd say.

 

And, it is never a good idea to jump into dating soon after a long-term relationship ends. No matter how much you THINK you're ready to move on, 99% of the time, a person still has unresolved baggage from it. Plain and simple.

 

Move on from both of these women and get focused on you and your life and get centered again before you start dating. What you have now is two layers of emotional disruption to process and get over. That's going to take some time. Be patient with yourself and be good to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve in little bits. Take a 1/2 an hour a day to sit with your feelings and at the end of that time you FORCE yourself to do something else, anything else to distract yourself from all this. Over time, you will find that you need less time each day to process, etc. It's a matter of resolve.

[bachdude]

Devestatedguy, please ignore the harsh posts. I and others get where your are coming from. My heart really goes out to you. Hang in there. It will get better.

 

 

And really, all of us here have made some foolish decisions. I wish I could look into the closet of those posters who have been harsh. I bet I'd find a few skeletons. If there are none, just give it time.

 

For those who truly know themselves, nothing anyone else does is completely strange.

 

 

And let me say something else here. And I really mean it, folks. When someone comes on a forum obviously so distraught, is it the height of irresponsibly to push them and beat them down more.

 

 

Back off!! Got it??

 

 

So OP, you ave two big blows you are dealing with. You are dealing with infidelity and the knowledge that you passed up your ex.

 

 

You made the first step. You broke up with Stacey. Now please cut of all contract with her. She is holding you back.

 

 

I'm really wishing you the best OP. Hang in there. Keep going to your counselor and don't be afraid to talk to others as well - find some good friend that will support you.

 

 

About your ex, I will defer to your counselor.

[NinjaX]

As a man, one of the most important lesson I've learned in dating is to love a woman without needing validation from her.

 

 

This woman is clearly toxic in your life. She has no respect for you and zero appreciation of your love for her.

 

 

You deserve better and need to move on. There is no need to "understand" or figure out how to solve this. I think you need to do some mental self-improvement. Build your confidence, learn true self-acceptance and not rely on other people to feel validated. Once you are at that state, then you can truly love without the neediness that drives women away.

[preraph]

Thanks bachdude for your kind words.

Alot of harsh words in this forum. I dont blame you all - but I came here for some comfort. I cant speak to anyone about this, its embarassing and disgusting and believe me when I say, no one is judging me more right now than I am myself.

 

I dont want to go back to my ex because she is going to "boost my ego" or just to use her. I want to go back to her because I feel like I am about to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. This girl was with me when I was ill, when I was poor, when I didnt have a job, when I had family problems, when I at was the worst point of my life. She is a good girl and I know that one day, believe i or not...I can be a good man to her. I have finally realised WHO she is- I finally know what real love is.

 

Maybe I need to dig deeper because, I actually fell for a girl like Stacy. I mean she did pretend to be a sweet girl at first, loving, caring..allt of that She wasnt. I know I asked in my previous post "can she ever change". Please people, im lost and im confused. Im a broken excuse of a man right now. Im writing this post out of complete devestation. The worst part is that I feel like I need validation from Stacy. I need her to beg me to come back, to chase me. All of it. I want to see her suffer. Has anyone that has ever been cheated on ever felt the same? Even if I did go back, what kind of relationship would it be. Its so disgusting. Please everyone dont judge me because im probably condraticting myself so much but my mind is all over the place and I am in the darkest place Ive ever been in my life.

 

I think you answered your own question there. This is the crux of your problem. You WERE using her (and probably other women) for ego validation and that means you have some deep insecurities. A lot of us do. Since this one ruined your life, your insecurities, it would probably be worth the time and money to get some insight into when this all started and exorcise it through therapy before getting back into a relationship. Otherwise, you will keep sabotaging yourself. I mean, you had someone who fed your ego in every possible way, but you still needed more, so that's pretty severe and it means you're letting it rule you. Be prepared, because once you understand and maybe get rid of some of that need, then this ex who you say adores you and validates you may not be what you need anymore. This is why I say work on it first. Good luck.

[Robert]

Folks, we did some clean up in here of the harsher posts and will remind everyone that the threadstarter came here for support and if you cannot post with civility and respect towards other members, we ask you to please move on and post elsewhere.

 

Thank you,

~6

[seekingpeaceinlove]

OMG, MAN, SERIOUSY!?!?!?! SERIOUSLY??

 

Re-read your first post in this thread. You titled this thread, "Evil Girlfriend has broken me." You poured your heart out how this evil gf lied to you, cheated on you, had sex with another man in the morning and then with you at night. She and her roommate were sharing multiple men while in a relationship with you.

 

You claim all of this deceit, lies..broke you and then immediately attached your emotions to your previous ex (who you broke up with out of boredom) and put her on a pedestal professing that she is an angel.

 

The fact that you even asked whether you should give Stacy another chance tells us that you are emotionally unstable and need to be alone until you heal. You are in no way shape or form ready for a relationship right now.

 

You don't value yourself enough and those around you who deserve it.

 

Focus on yourself first and learn from your mistakes before you jump into something else that will devastate you further.

 

Leave Stacy alone. Leave your "Angel" alone. Date yourself. Date yourself until you are happy with yourself, alone, and with no other attachment.

 

 

 

Hi everyone.

 

Thank you for your replies. I'm in a very fragile state at the moment. I haven't eaten or slept in days. I spoke to my counselor in regards to my ex who said that it was okay for me to take up contact with my ex again, and be completely honest with my ex of what has happened to me. My counselor said that I could then start building something with my ex very slowly and in the process also focus on healing. How does that sound?

 

I am just struggling with one thing, since I have broken up with Stacy, she has come to my house and she broke down in tears, she had a complete panic attack. Whenever I mention my ex she complete breaks down. She promises she will change, she promises never to do it again. She says she's realized how wrong she was. She's honestly completely broken down.

 

I know this is probably a dumb question, but should I believe her? Maybe she can change? What do you think would happen if I went back there? Thank you so much for your help.

[bachdude]

to those who have been cheated on...Can you please tell me more about your story? how did you cope with it? and did you stay with your partner?

 

I was cheated on multiple times by my ex girlfriend, with multiple men. It hurts so much. I cant eat, i cant sleep. Im anxious all the time, I feel so depressed. I just dont understand, why me? How could she do that? I feel like I want and need validation from her, that Im good enough. Please help me anyone.

 

 

I can only say what helped for me. Being a musician was so helpful. I really would lose myself in music, put my male ego aside and cry like a baby. I also did a lot of screaming into a pillow and punching the pillow for my anger. I'm pretty sure I punched the dude who had the affair in the pillow face a hundred plus times. Exercise is great. Head out to the gym and pump some iron.

 

 

Do you have many friends OP? Isolating yourself will only make it worse. You may not feel like it but head out with friends.

 

 

And how people treat us is completely separate from our worth as people.

Edited February 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[spiderowl]

Reading between the lines, Stacy is pretty, fun, attractive to guys, didn't seem bothered about commitment, and not boring like your ex was at the time. So you left your ex for this 'appealing' girl. I am sure you are not the only guy who has found out that all that glitters is not gold.

 

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling because it must be devastating to find out the girl you have fallen for is so lacking in empathy and care. All you can do is to learn from this experience. I doubt you can get your ex back; if she is wise she will not risk it because you were lured away by someone far more glamourous than her. You can learn to look deeper for the best qualities in a partner rather than just the way they look or how popular they seem to be.

 

For dealing with the pain, well I can't see you feeling better until you get out of this current relationship. She does not sound as if she will ever be faithful and it must be hell living with someone who lies so much. You need to reclaim your pride in yourself by leaving her and making a different life for yourself. You can reclaim yourself and your values and that getting your own place would be the first step.

[spiderowl]

Hi everyone.

 

Thank you for your replies. I'm in a very fragile state at the moment. I haven't eaten or slept in days. I spoke to my counselor in regards to my ex who said that it was okay for me to take up contact with my ex again, and be completely honest with my ex of what has happened to me. My counselor said that I could then start building something with my ex very slowly and in the process also focus on healing. How does that sound?

 

I am just struggling with one thing, since I have broken up with Stacy, she has come to my house and she broke down in tears, she had a complete panic attack. Whenever I mention my ex she complete breaks down. She promises she will change, she promises never to do it again. She says she's realized how wrong she was. She's honestly completely broken down.

 

I know this is probably a dumb question, but should I believe her? Maybe she can change? What do you think would happen if I went back there? Thank you so much for your help.

 

Should you believe her? Has she been entirely honest with you most of the time? No? Well, why should you believe her this time?

[mikeylo]

Your best revenge would be to put her in past and not look back. Get your ex back if possible and build a life together. That will be THE best revenge you are looking for.

[winny]

Karma..

 

Break up with that girl Stacy... Go and apologize to your ex.

Whether she will take you back or not is her decision.

But don't lose the lesson that you got out of this whole experience.

[anika99]

Thanks bachdude for your kind words.

Alot of harsh words in this forum. I dont blame you all - but I came here for some comfort. I cant speak to anyone about this, its embarassing and disgusting and believe me when I say, no one is judging me more right now than I am myself.

 

I dont want to go back to my ex because she is going to "boost my ego" or just to use her.

I want to go back to her because I feel like I am about to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. This girl was with me when I was ill, when I was poor, when I didnt have a job, when I had family problems, when I at was the worst point of my life.

She is a good girl and I know that one day, believe i or not...I can be a good man to her. I have finally realised WHO she is- I finally know what real love is.

 

Maybe I need to dig deeper because, I actually fell for a girl like Stacy. I mean she did pretend to be a sweet girl at first, loving, caring..allt of that She wasnt. I know I asked in my previous post "can she ever change".

Please people, im lost and im confused. Im a broken excuse of a man right now. Im writing this post out of complete devestation. The worst part is that I feel like I need validation from Stacy. I need her to beg me to come back, to chase me. All of it. I want to see her suffer. Has anyone that has ever been cheated on ever felt the same? Even if I did go back, what kind of relationship would it be. It

s so disgusting. Please everyone dont judge me because im probably condraticting myself so much but my mind is all over the place and I am in the darkest place Ive ever been in my life.

 

The first bolded just means that your ex loved you a lot, it doesn't mean you love her. What do you love about her that doesn't revolve around things she did and sacrificed for you? You feel gratitude, you realize that she did a lot for you, but this does not equal love. You do not love her.

 

The second bolded is exactly why it would be wrong and selfish of you to attempt to get back together with your ex. You can't go back to her while you are still devastated and screwed up over Stacy because you are a mess and don't know what you want. If you go back to your ex now you will use her. Maybe your conscious mind cannot accept this, but right now in your pain your ex looks like a breath of fresh air. But you won't always be in pain, you will recover and then you will look at your ex and feel the same things that led to you breaking up with her the first time. She deserves better.