Married, but having child with Mistress - Help!

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by Northwoods

Well - I told my wife about the affair and she is being supportive. I appologize for the lack of current details but I was just given a bombshell that I'm adjusting to. I just learned today that OW will not carry the child to birth. It is growing in the wrong spot and the doctor said that if she does not have a miscarriage in the next week that they will go in and remove it for her before it causes harm to her.

 

Although I admit that this situation sucked from the beginning (and I wish I had made better decisions), its hard to think that my living child will be dead in a week. Unfortunately, my work schedule didn't allow me to be present at the doc's office with OW but I'm confident in this situation. She had two doc visits today due to the circumstances.

 

Problem Solved? - I hardly think so. I plan to work with my wife to rebuild our marriage from my affair. We have counseling tonight and I'll continue to go, be an open book and honest about everything in hopes that I won't ever have any remote thoughts about infidelity ever again.

 

Quite honestly - I just don't know what to even offer to the OW at this point. I feel like I'm just going to go to hell if I just stop talking to her at this point. She's going to need someone to talk to about this and I'm worried about stepping up to try to be even a remote friend at this point. I said my marriage would come first and it absolutely must. I have to keep my eye on the long term goal - my wife has been very supportive and I won't betray her again.

 

Thoughts?

 

Wow. That is quite a shocker. Hey, I don't mean to sound insensitive, I'm sure the OW is upset by this...BUT...In a way it's a blessing in disguise.

 

Take this as a fresh start, DO everything, and I mean everything to make it up to your wife. Definately take a look at DazednConfused's thread - Will give you insight to help you through your situation at home, and help get inside your wife's head...(From a Betrayed spouses point of view...)

 

You don't owe the OW much. You won't go to hell if you stop talking and supporting her. Hon, the affair is OVER. As sad as her losing this baby is, don't forget what she did, how she did it and her manipulating behaviour. The guilt you feel is normal but don't let it ruin what is infront of you...Your wife. She counts much more than the OW. Please remember that and make sure your wife knows she is number one...Not number two.

 

The OW should seek counsilling for the loss of the baby. Suggest it to her, but do not become her support system. you don't know if this baby was actually yours...Don't forget that either. I don't know if you want pursue anything afterwards to find out if it was, or if it is best to close the door and not know...

 

You're extremely lucky to have a wife who is willing to stick by you and work this out. This is your second chance.

 

Keep posting and take care!

[whichwayisup]

Oops, didn't see this post by you...

 

I told her that OW said she was pregnant and that it could very possibly be mine. She does not yet know that the baby won't make it.

 

Many on here had said that I should go to the doc appt and that's why I thought it important to try. Unfortunately, I couldn't. Still - I do believe that she's not lying about the miscarriage. ...if there is one thing I believe about her, this is it.

 

Right after I wrote the above post I thought that this is probably the best time to actually break off contact with OW - not the worst. I feel bad about leaving her in such a vulnerable state, but she has many friends and a big support group. I just can't give 100% to my wife if I'm giving anything at all to OW and I have my priorities... as cold as that is.

 

Why did you not tell your wife about this? She deserves to know - even if you need to process it, include your wife in everything now - that means telling her your thoughts that there is a small chance this whole thing could not even be true - OW may not be pregnant and is playing a game. DID you actually talk to the doctor? IS there actual proof she is without a doubt?? You say you know her, but she didn't tell you she was sleeping with afew others while you were with her. Becareful with the trust....She's fooling you bit by bit and knows how to play you and the guilt card.

 

As you said, she has many friends, and a good support group. I'm sure she will seek professional help too, so she should not be your 1st priority...That goes to your wife from now on.

[Craig]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

there is a small chance this whole thing could not even be true - OW may not be pregnant and is playing a game. DID you actually talk to the doctor? IS there actual proof she is without a doubt?? You say you know her, but she didn't tell you she was sleeping with afew others while you were with her. Becareful with the trust....She's fooling you bit by bit and knows how to play you and the guilt card.

I agree. Do you have any reliable third party proof of anything OW has said?

[lynnspies1]

I really think she lied to you North, I don't think she was ever pregnant. She just wanted to see if you would ever leave your wife.

 

If she was truly having an ectopic pregnancy they would go in and remove it not "wait for her to miscarry". There is too much chance of rupture or infection.

 

I am truly glad for you and your wife. A child would surely have added to this mess. Keep your pants on and in the future should things not work out with you and your wife "wrap the rascle even when she says she is on the pill."

 

Lynn

[Sal Paradise]

Right after I wrote the above post I thought that this is probably the best time to actually break off contact with OW - not the worst. I feel bad about leaving her in such a vulnerable state, but she has many friends and a big support group. I just can't give 100% to my wife if I'm giving anything at all to OW and I have my priorities... as cold as that is.

 

Its not wrong or cold. She knew what she was getting into when she got involved with a married man. Your wife is the only persons feelings you should be concerned with. Your marriage can't be fixed as long as you stay in contact with the ow. No Contact at all is the only way for your wife to ever have a chance at getting past this. And its your only chance to get past it.

 

Don't use guilt as an excuse to stay in contact with the OW. She'll be fine. Your wife however won't be fine if you spend any energy on the ow.

[Sal Paradise]

I also think she probably lied about being pregnant. She was trying to force you leave your wife. Its so obvious.

[Ladyjane14]

I have to agree. It's odd that as soon as you started to balk....suddenly the pergnancy was no longer viable.

 

You seem to have alot of sympathy for this woman. But there's NOTHING you can do to help her, not really. And whatever attempt you make to do that, actively hurts your wife.

 

Your wife is still probably in shock about the whole thing. She'll be dealing with some pretty strong emotions over the next couple of weeks. She's the one who is in need of your comfort, and the one you can actually be effective in helping.

 

You don't have to read very far in this particular forum to see the devastating effects of continued contact after D-Day.

[Northwoods]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Oops, didn't see this post by you...

 

Why did you not tell your wife about this? She deserves to know - even if you need to process it, include your wife in everything now - that means telling her your thoughts that there is a small chance this whole thing could not even be true - OW may not be pregnant and is playing a game. DID you actually talk to the doctor? IS there actual proof she is without a doubt?? You say you know her, but she didn't tell you she was sleeping with afew others while you were with her. Becareful with the trust....She's fooling you bit by bit and knows how to play you and the guilt card.

 

As you said, she has many friends, and a good support group. I'm sure she will seek professional help too, so she should not be your 1st priority...That goes to your wife from now on.

 

I had just found out that the baby wouldn't make it an hour or so before making that post and hadn't spoken to my wife to let her know that the baby wouldn't make it. Oddly enough - that might be the saving grace of my marriage. God has other plans for me, I suppose.

 

My wife was well aware about the affair and that the baby could have been mine, and she now knows that the baby won't make it.

[Northwoods]

Seeing some of these threads that say roughly the same thing by multiple people really worry me. I know that OW took a pregnancy test - I saw the results. The timing does make me question if it was mine, but I felt confident that she was pregnant since I saw that little dipstick. BUT - I never saw her take the test, I didn't see her buy the test, I didn't see the box, I didn't see the doctors notes... etc. Further, yesterday, I didn't get to go to the doctor with her when she said that she'll lose it. She was very graphic is what the doctor told her, but basically they can't find the baby inside her and they think that its already "broken apart" and if it doesn't flush out in the next week (she'll need to go to ER when it starts to happen) they will go in and clean up.

 

So - its graphic, and her story has been relatively current but I just can't believe that I might have simply been had. I can't believe that she was lonely and just wanted to try to steal me from my wife. I know that she has been very direct and told me that "she knew she had me" from the beginning after asking just a couple questions about my home life - but to think that this was a plan actually angers me. Sure makes cutting 100% contact easy.

 

I'm not quite sure that my wife fully understands what happens because she's been very supportive throughout this entire process. Its obvious that it effects her, but she seems more concerned that she did something to make me want to leave and wants to make sure that I have never have that desire again. Honestly - if this relationship was missing something before (or if I was just not seeing it) - its not missing anything now. I've very lucky to have someone so understanding and willing to work with me. I won't betray her again.

 

Edit : Re-reading my own post almost makes it look like my wife is trying to take ownership for any of this and I'm trying to not let her. I knew what I was getting when I said my vows and she didn't back down from any of it - I strayed and I take full responsibility.

 

I just don't want anyone to think that I'm sharing any of this blame. Even OW told me that I shouldn't take all the responsibility - if I was taken care of at home I wouldn't have strayed. I don't believe in this - I could have left first, tried to do something about it or any other number of things, instead I was scum and cheated. Even if I was set up from the beginning, I shouldn't have falled for the bait. Its my fault and I'm just trying to openly admit my mistakes so that I have it all in the open to learn from.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not quite sure that my wife fully understands what happens because she's been very supportive throughout this entire process. Its obvious that it effects her, but she seems more concerned that she did something to make me want to leave and wants to make sure that I have never have that desire again. Honestly - if this relationship was missing something before (or if I was just not seeing it) - its not missing anything now. I've very lucky to have someone so understanding and willing to work with me. I won't betray her again.

 

It could be a wake up call, for both of you - A second chance to live life together and BE happy. Really and truely love eachother.

 

Think of it as like that plane crash yesterday in here Toronto. First reports came out noone knew if anybody had survived. It's a miracle that every person got out alive, and not too many were seriously injured. It's a life altering experience.