Married, but having child with Mistress - Help!

[Opium]

Personally - I believe that a broken family is inevitable... I will lose my wife, ruin my relationship with friends and family because of this affair and the relationship with the mistress won't last because we're simply not compatible for this kind of long term commitment.

 

You should have thought about this before you slept with her! I'm sorry but I don't feel for you one bit and I think you need to do whatever is best for your WIFE not the MISTRESS. You're not married to the mistress the only commitment you have with your MISTRESS is the child. I would also get a DNA test ASAP!!!

 

Make a decision, grow some BALLS, and confront your mistakes. Make things right but no matter what the damage is done.

[Debster]

When determining when someone is pregnant, the doctor will use a pregnancy wheel that assumes the woman has a 28 day cycle and ovulated on day 14. That is not the case with many woman. For example, I have a 30 day cycle and ovulate on day 17.

 

Anyways, they start counting the time of pregnancy from the last menstrual period (LMP).

 

So say if she had her period the first of the month and ovulated on the 14th day of the month. She must have then had sex with you somewhere between the 11 - 15th day of the month in order to get pregnant. At the end of the month (assume 28 days), she would be considered four weeks pregnant, even though you only had sex 2 weeks earlier. The first two weeks are the menstruation and preparing to ovulate.

 

Does this make sense?

[lynnspies1]

Hence,

 

You need to find out for sure that she is pregnant. She will not be able to tell for sure who's kid this is since she has been laying down for three guys in a short period of time. She will have to have a DNA test done and something tells me she will give you a hard time about going through with it.

 

For some reason, I think she is not pregnant and is using this to play you. I see her telling you in a few weeks or son that she had a miscarriage. Get it writing and go to the doctor with her when she has the ultrasound to prove approximately how far along she is. I think she will squirm when you tell her you are going to ALL her future appointments!

 

God, I am so jaded! Sorry, my bad life...Lynn

[Northwoods]

Originally posted by Debster

When determining when someone is pregnant, the doctor will use a pregnancy wheel that assumes the woman has a 28 day cycle and ovulated on day 14. That is not the case with many woman. For example, I have a 30 day cycle and ovulate on day 17.

 

Anyways, they start counting the time of pregnancy from the last menstrual period (LMP).

 

So say if she had her period the first of the month and ovulated on the 14th day of the month. She must have then had sex with you somewhere between the 11 - 15th day of the month in order to get pregnant. At the end of the month (assume 28 days), she would be considered four weeks pregnant, even though you only had sex 2 weeks earlier. The first two weeks are the menstruation and preparing to ovulate.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Well - this explains a lot. Technically - she was 2 wks pregnant before we had sex. Assuming that she's told any truth about any of her dates and she hadn't been with the other man for 2+ wks prior to me, then it raises the chances of it being mine.

 

She says she's going to get an ultrasound today. Also said she was keeping the baby no matter what. She also told me again that if I wanted to turn my back and walk, I could. She would never seek me out for any support or to have any relationship with this child. I'm tempted - it could be someone else's kid and she's obviously not someone I want to be hooked to for 18 years. Either way - I'm still going to tell my wife (on the weekend b/c it will definately effect my job if I try to come in to the office the next day).

[LucreziaBorgia]

She would never seek me out for any support or to have any relationship with this child.

 

My guess is that she'll change her tune when this baby is born - it will be the sword of Damocles hanging over your head for the rest of your life if you don't get solid answers either way. Either the OW will continue to use her child as a bargaining chip with you, or the kid will grow up and seek you out down the road. You'll definitely want to be getting some legal counsel on this to prevent that uncertainty factor.

 

I hope it will go ok with talking to your wife about it. It won't be easy.

[Northwoods]

Today the OW tells me that an abortion is out of the question. Doesn't matter if the child is mine, her husband's or the OM's. She said that she went to a doctor last night and discussed things in length for 2 hours. Said that a lot of the info that I've researched on the web is likely incorrect... and I admited that I found much of my info on forum's such as this one.

 

It bothered me a bit because she point blank said that her and the doc mentioned that I might just be trying to get out of my responsibility. She put me on the spot and I flat told her that I wanted to walk... a decision she said she'd let me have. Of course, she wrote back and has called... obviously that 'offer' is out of the question. I didn't think I really wanted to take her up on that anyhow, but at least now I know she won't 'let me go' so easily - an obvious sign she could change her mind and come back later for some kind of support (even though she said she didn't want the child growing up in a broken family).

 

So basically - I gotta tell my wife and prepare that there is a very good chance its my child. Problem is that she doesn't want me to step out of the picture until the child is born because she's confident its mine and she doesn't want me to miss hearing its heart beat for the first time, or pictures of the child inside her belly, or it being born... etc - she says she wants me to be a part of that and I'm TOTALLY not convinced its mine now. The trust has been shattered... I feel it could be mine about 75% now (remember, when I first started this thread I was 99% sure).

 

How do I keep a "working" relationship with someone I don't fully trust, but do care about, until this child is born? If its my kid, I do want to be a part of its like (even if that's between two homes and two houses with two mommies, two daddies, etc). I don't want to absolutely kill my relationship with OW if we're truely sharing this child. Its important to note that I still hope to be working on my own relationship with my wife during this time.

 

Just cut her off cold until a DNA test shows it mine? Try to stay mutual friends? Keep cool with her and on the low? Let the wife leave and try to work something out with OW? What do you think?

[LucreziaBorgia]

First things first: tell your wife. Then you and she can decide together what path to take for the future.

[whichwayisup]

So basically - I gotta tell my wife and prepare that there is a very good chance its my child. Problem is that she doesn't want me to step out of the picture until the child is born because she's confident its mine and she doesn't want me to miss hearing its heart beat for the first time, or pictures of the child inside her belly, or it being born... etc - she says she wants me to be a part of that and I'm TOTALLY not convinced its mine now. The trust has been shattered... I feel it could be mine about 75% now (remember, when I first started this thread I was 99% sure).

 

Yes, you must tell your wife asap. This is snowballing and everyday new information is coming out. This OW is liable to CALL your wife and spill all to her. The problem I see is, the OW is expecting you to become her husband and an instant family. Drop the wife and your family and run to her. NO second thoughts or doubts, just DO IT. Sorry, life doesn't work that way. I don't trust her words at all. I mean, wtf happened to protection here? 3 men and she got pregnant? So all three of you slept with her and my best guess is, she figured one of you guys would get her knocked up. Sorry to be so crase about it, but she's full of it. The info you've gotten about the menstral cycle is pretty much bang on, here on LS. The fact still remains that the OW isn't exactly sure how far along she is and WHEN she got pregnant. Until you see an Ultrsound and do blood tests (I mean you be there so there is NO Messing with results etc.) don't trust OW.

 

How do I keep a "working" relationship with someone I don't fully trust, but do care about, until this child is born? If its my kid, I do want to be a part of its like (even if that's between two homes and two houses with two mommies, two daddies, etc). I don't want to absolutely kill my relationship with OW if we're truely sharing this child. Its important to note that I still hope to be working on my own relationship with my wife during this time.

 

That is a tough one. Be considerate, but distant. Detach yourself emotionally from the OW. And don't expect much from your wife when she finds out. I do hope she gives you another chance and give her the time to grieve and deal with the rollercoaster she's about to go on. This isn't going to be easy for her, or for you. Her whole life is about to be turned upside, not only an A but the possibility of a child involved. Expect the worst, hope for the best.

 

 

Just cut her off cold until a DNA test shows it mine? Try to stay mutual friends? Keep cool with her and on the low? Let the wife leave and try to work something out with OW? What do you think?

 

I don't know. Your wife's reaction will have alot to do with this situation with the OW. For starters, this OW should understand your position now and back off. Both of you should be talking but not seeing eachother much. I mean, do not cuddle and kiss her, be intimate etc.

 

DO you love your wife? DO you want her to leave you? Could you picture your life with OW and ending marriage with wife? These questions are valid as your wife will soon have the choice. If she kicks you out and says goodbye - What are you going to do? Think about it. Try to work it out with her or run to OW? I hope I'm not upsetting you and making this worse, you just may have to think of everything and anything here because she's gonna be blindsided big time when the truth comes out.

[Northwoods]

whichwayisup, these are all very valid questions and I'm glad that you're asking them. I want to work things out with my wife, and I want to be there for her. I took a vow, lost sight of it and want to try to make right on it. I understand that she has every right to leave, and part of me thinks she should so that she can find someone who won't do her so wrong... but I want to make this right.

 

The OW is all over the place on her emotions, her dates of who she was with, etc. Yes - I admit I had feelings for her but it was prior to finding out that she was with us all in such a short time period and was only interested in one thing. I actually believed that she was interested in ME.

 

I'm probably more of a scumbag for doing this... but today I told her that I had already told my wife. I did this in part to show her that I'm not interested in a relationship with her, but also in part to see her reaction thinking I might not be there until the child comes, but knowing I want to be a part of its life. She had a few main concerns out of the gate... in this order...

 

1) Will her husband find out before Monday when she goes for an alimony hearing. She doesn't want to lose that money - it will help support her and she desperately needs it.

2) This is the end of our relationship, other than casual friendship so that I can see my child when s/he is born. She was sick thinking that she would have to "share" her baby with my wife... but I told her that she's sharing her child with ME, not necessarily my wife (if we're still together).

3) Will her husband find out?

4) If we won't have a relationship, she thinks that she just wants to have an abortion and get rid of it.

 

She said that she has some thinking to do and that she'll call me later. She also said that she has done a good job of finding guys that aren't really interested in her, which is odd because she openly admitted that she was first interested in me because I was married and she could have nothing more than a sexual relationship with me.

 

Up until this very day, I have been 100% open and honest to the OW. After feeling so betrayed, and realizing she was renigging on the "walk" option (which I honestly didn't want to take advantage of anyhow), I wanted to find out where her true feelings were for me, the ex, this child, etc and I felt that the only way to do it was to be dramatic and put her on the spot with a reality check. I feel bad that in the process of trying to be honest and come clean through this that I had to lie, but its obvious what's important to her.

 

She told me again that her car just 'quit' on her this morning and that she needs a new one. I don't know exactly what her goal is, but her actions told me she was mad that I wouldn't be able to help her get a new one. She hasn't asked for one, but this car just won't do if she has a child. Plus - its 13 years old and she does need a new one anyhow. Said something about me not "back-paying" her once I find out that the child truely is mine. It was a quick conversation and it might taken a little out of context here, but the fact that it even came up worried me. I don't really think she's only worried in money or stealing me from my wife, but I guess I don't know anything.

 

Remember - the reality check here is that this COULD be my child. I just don't know what to offer to OW until the DNA test shows that it conclusively is or isn't. Nothing?

[whichwayisup]

Good to hear that you want to work things out with your wife. Better tell her real soon, I know you said this weekend, but if the OW beats you to it (she could, to stir up s*** at home, never say never) and tells her before you really get a chance, that situation will not be good at all.

 

Still sounds like OW is fishing about. Her story still doesn't seem right and there a pieces missing. Her mentioning about back-payment, I guess she's meaning about the pregnancy. Not quite sure. So, come out and ask her. DO not be afraid of this woman as if you stand down to her, she will be in full control and hold all the power. This is NOT the OW you fell for, she's not that person at all. Who knows what her game. Time will tell.

 

Have you spoken to a Lawyer yet? If not, do so and fast. Make sure you start a daily journal of all the events going on with OW and the dates. Just so you don't forget little details that could come up in the future.

 

Her ex will eventually find out, she can't hide it from him. She better hope he doesn't have a PI looking in at her because if so, her secrets out of the bag come Court Day.

 

She's still manipulating you by telling you abortion if it isn't yours. That doesn't make much sense. She seems very unstable, and it's not the hormones!

 

Reality yes, the possibility this child is yours is high, but only because of the information she has given you. When the ultrasound gets done, you will find out what is going on with the conception dates and the chances of the child being yours. GO to that appt. Ask the DR questions, don't hold back. In the meantime, show concern for her health, her pregnancy, but limit personal conversations. Don't be cold to her, but definately distant emotionally. Either way, whatever happens will happen and things will play out as they will.

 

Keep posting and glad to help you out. Tough and awful situation you're in.

[aloneinTX]

don't let the OW control you with a child. The OW will not have the say about you in the childs life........that is what the courts are for. Just like the OW you may also be a parent to this child and DO have rights.

 

Tell your wife and seek legal advice.

[Brandi Renee]

Question -

 

Why did you have a mistress in the first place???????????? NO one here has addressed that.

 

You state that the OW was intersted in you , as if your wife had lost it??????

[erika2610]

Originally posted by Brandi Renee

Question -

 

Why did you have a mistress in the first place???????????? NO one here has addressed that.

 

You state that the OW was intersted in you , as if your wife had lost it??????

 

He didn't feel wanted by the Wife..

[Ladyjane14]

OW seems to have misrepresented herself all the way down the line. She told you in the beginning that she only wanted a sexual relationship with no strings attached? Well.... it seems she's attached a pretty substantial string to you now, doesn't it?

 

That ought to p*ss you off. No birth control is 100% perfect, but damn. Was she using any at all? Or did she misrepresent THAT as well?

 

And your wife is going to FREAK when she finds out that YOU weren't using a condom. Bad enough to risk possible pregnancy, but if you've still been maintaining a sexual relationship with the wife....you've exposed her to an STD/hiv risk that she didn't sign off on.

 

OW seems like a bit of a whack-job to me. If she's engaged in sexual relations with at least 3 guys that you know of, and if she's already misrepresented herself on the issue of "no-strings" attached....then there's a good possibility that she's not being entirely forthcoming now.

 

And she wants you to buy her a car? So, now she's crying to you about her finances and wants to attach even MORE strings. You are being very quickly wrapped up in a spider's web of them.

 

Break free while you can. Get into a NO CONTACT situation with her now. Change your phone numbers and emails, and if she contacts you at work, let her know that you WILL get a restraining order to stop her from stalking you.

 

Meantime, see a qualified family attorney. You're going to need one. Find out what your legal rights are IF this child turns out to be yours. Find out how you can file for a subpoena to get DNA testing after the birth, and decide if that's the course you want to follow.

 

Start putting some money aside. You'll be needing that too. At the minimum, you'll need attorney's fees, and if it's your child you could be sued for medical costs on the birth and child support.

 

You're going to have to tell your wife. It'll help you emotionally to understand that your marriage was OVER from the moment you allowed your penis to make your decisions for you. The covenant was irreparably broken.

 

If you accept that the marriage is over, there's no place to go but UP from there. In other words, if your wife will consent to a reconciliation with you, it becomes a NEW DEAL, a new contract. Something better than what you had before even. Afterall, you were unhappy enough to seek outside the marriage. Now, you have an opportunity to lay it all out on the table and either make it or break it.

 

You have a better shot at reconciliation when you deal from a position of honesty. This news comes from you, and NOT a third party.

 

If your wife doesn't want to stay with you, then give yourself a time-out away from women altogether for awhile. Give yourself time to make your OWN choices, and not be led around by circumstance.

[Brandi Renee]

If he did not feel wnated was it sexually or emotionally - because it sounds as if he is still " doing " his wife too...........

 

 

Northwood - did you ever tell your wife any of these things before you went out on her??? there is another post here you should defintely read - married with no sex....

 

it is possibly what your situation was before it turned into this.

[hotgurl]

I admit I had feelings for her but it was prior to finding out that she was with us all in such a short time period and was only interested in one thing

 

I find this and this

 

After feeling so betrayed,

 

Very ironic. So you were sleeping with your wife and her why can't she sleep with other people.

 

As for all the cycle discussions most people have 28 days cycles but not all. Some people ovulate right after their period some fter 14 day some during thier period and some women even ovulate twicw a month. So unless your are very accatinated with her cycle and use fetility testsed for all puposes she could have gotten pregnant at any time of the month. And eveything is just a big fat guess untill you do a dna test.

 

And did you get tested for STDs

[passing by]

If you have a modicum of love in your heart left for your wife at all anymore you will spare her the ultimate humilation of having to hear about her husband's pantless escapades from the mouth of the woman he slept with. At the very least, give her that much. It's how I found out. From the bottom of my heart, please, don't do this to her.

 

Send the kids to grammas. Make her a drink. Sit down with her and tell her everything. Be completely honest. Do not LIE anymore or try to blame her for your stupid behavior. It's only fair you do this for her.

[Guest]

Northwoods

 

You need to tell your wife TODAY! Every conversation you have with the OW is another betrayal of your wife. The longer you wait the worse this will be! Do you think that if you don't tell her this problem will just magically disappear? It will not!

 

Your wife deserves to know what kind of man she is married to!

[Northwoods]

Sounds like I've had a lot of questions since I was last on the board.

 

When I first got together with OW I believed that she had only been with her husband that she was no longer with sexually (they are going through a divorce). Yes - we used protection and futher, I firmly believed that she was on the pill. She even had them to show me one day and there was no reason to question her. I had no problem that she had been with other people in the past, but she made it sound like she had only been with two men in her life and that they were a part of her past ... not that she was actively still doing them both.

 

My relationship at home does lack any kind of sexual relationship and it did lead me away. I admitted here and I'll admit again - I thought I could get my fix of a sexual relationship with OW while having everything else in my relationship at home already taken care of. It was a poor decision and I accept that I made a mistake.

 

(at work - more to come)

[Sal Paradise]

Have you told your wife yet?

 

Something you need to consider is that your wife may not want you involved with the child at all. She may make you make a choice between her and the child. I can't imagine staying with someone who had a child from infidelity. The only way most people get over the affair is if their spouse goes absolutely no contact with the other person. With a child involved that will never be possible if you plan to be involved in its life.

 

She's had the worst luck of anyone I've ever known - I just don't know what to think about this.

 

Karma is a bitch. I don't feel sorry for people who cheat or people who get involved with people who are married.

[whichwayisup]

North, it seems the OW lied about birthcontrol. She may have shown you the pills but she may not have been taking them. Yes, there are a percentage of women who get pregnant even when being on the pill ... Maybe she is one of those low percentages but I highly doubt it because of her manipulating games and the lies.

 

My relationship at home does lack any kind of sexual relationship and it did lead me away. I admitted here and I'll admit again - I thought I could get my fix of a sexual relationship with OW while having everything else in my relationship at home already taken care of. It was a poor decision and I accept that I made a mistake.

 

I commend you for admitting this here and being truthful to yourself about this situation, but what counts is your wife's thoughts on this, not ours. We're the support group and here to help, not hang you out to dry...

 

When you tell your wife (if you haven't already) be 100% honest and be a complete open book to her. Don't hold back anything! She is going to be hurt no matter what, so don't lie about anything at all, even the smallest detail. She asks you the question, answer it even if it kills you inside...

 

Hang in there and hopefully with this out in the open a amall weight will be lifted...It will be out in the open and no more secrets/hiding and sneaking around.

[Northwoods]

Well - I told my wife about the affair and she is being supportive. I appologize for the lack of current details but I was just given a bombshell that I'm adjusting to. I just learned today that OW will not carry the child to birth. It is growing in the wrong spot and the doctor said that if she does not have a miscarriage in the next week that they will go in and remove it for her before it causes harm to her.

 

Although I admit that this situation sucked from the beginning (and I wish I had made better decisions), its hard to think that my living child will be dead in a week. Unfortunately, my work schedule didn't allow me to be present at the doc's office with OW but I'm confident in this situation. She had two doc visits today due to the circumstances.

 

Problem Solved? - I hardly think so. I plan to work with my wife to rebuild our marriage from my affair. We have counseling tonight and I'll continue to go, be an open book and honest about everything in hopes that I won't ever have any remote thoughts about infidelity ever again.

 

Quite honestly - I just don't know what to even offer to the OW at this point. I feel like I'm just going to go to hell if I just stop talking to her at this point. She's going to need someone to talk to about this and I'm worried about stepping up to try to be even a remote friend at this point. I said my marriage would come first and it absolutely must. I have to keep my eye on the long term goal - my wife has been very supportive and I won't betray her again.

 

Thoughts?

[Debster]

To clarify - I know you told your wife about the affair, but did you tell her about the baby as well??

 

Your first loyalty is to your wife and to earn back her trust and love.

Going to doctor's appointments with the OW and being there for her is not a good way of winning your wife back IMO.

[Northwoods]

Originally posted by Debster

To clarify - I know you told your wife about the affair, but did you tell her about the baby as well??

 

Your first loyalty is to your wife and to earn back her trust and love.

Going to doctor's appointments with the OW and being there for her is not a good way of winning your wife back IMO.

 

I told her that OW said she was pregnant and that it could very possibly be mine. She does not yet know that the baby won't make it.

 

Many on here had said that I should go to the doc appt and that's why I thought it important to try. Unfortunately, I couldn't. Still - I do believe that she's not lying about the miscarriage. ...if there is one thing I believe about her, this is it.

 

Right after I wrote the above post I thought that this is probably the best time to actually break off contact with OW - not the worst. I feel bad about leaving her in such a vulnerable state, but she has many friends and a big support group. I just can't give 100% to my wife if I'm giving anything at all to OW and I have my priorities... as cold as that is.

[Debster]

It's not cold, IMO.

It's finally getting your priorities straight.

End all contact.

Win back your wife and deserve and honour her love.

Good luck.