Posting this so I don't text my ex

[whatdeww18]

Fair enough, but what if she just realized it was a big mistake? Had an outside pressure and just couldn't handle things thinking the RL was the cause?

 

I think having 2 weeks to re-evaluate is applicable for something that caused her to be stressed like a big fight or something of that nature.

 

For a break up and reconciliation based on changed feelings, although subjective, has a general pattern that is witnessed in many threads that takes months. There is a really long thread where a dumper came to post about her thought process, and how she only began to miss her ex 4 months after the break up. Thoughts of coming back took around 6 months, I believe.

 

Sweetfish had a post in there comparing a dumper from a while back and the OP in that thread. The pattern is there. Takes time for the dumper when the reason for leaving was "feelings changed."

 

However, I agree the OP doesn't sound like he's going into the talk on Sunday with expectations of a grand gesture and reconciliation. It's to figure out what she's thinking and he can be the judge of what happens.

 

I would be on the same boat with Sweetfish and Marky00, some more time would be beneficial.

Edited February 10, 2017 by whatdeww18

[SevenCity]

I think having 2 weeks to re-evaluate is applicable for something that caused her to be stressed like a big fight or something of that nature.

 

For a break up and reconciliation based on changed feelings, although subjective, has a general pattern that is witnessed in many threads that takes months. There is a really long thread where a dumper came to post about her thought process, and how she only began to miss her ex 4 months after the break up. Thoughts of coming back took around 6 months, I believe.

 

Sweetfish had a post in there comparing a dumper from a while back and the OP in that thread. The pattern is there. Takes time for the dumper when the reason for leaving was "feelings changed."

 

However, I agree the OP doesn't sound like he's going into the talk on Sunday with expectations of a grand gesture and reconciliation. It's to figure out what she's thinking and he can be the judge of what happens.

 

I would be on the same boat with Sweetfish and Marky00, some more time would be beneficial.

 

I know of the thread - I wonder where she stands with her ex?

 

The difference being is this RL was 6 months long if I recall correctly. I don't think being apart for 6 months after only being together 6 months is the answer.

[Sweetfish]

You are going under the assumption that the OP has run out and bought a ring to lock her down on Sunday. From what he has posted he seems pretty level headed (as much as you can be in this situation). He has decided to hear what she has to say. He may not want to get back if she tries - we don't know.

 

The O.P. of these threads always appears to LOOK level headed. That a false... he has posted in many threads and you can see his anger and hurt and he is still raw and that is not level headed. You don't see straight for weeks, may be months. The reason we give advice is because many of us are not under the spell of love. That's why alcoholics go to AA because they need an objective view and support from others rather than friends and families. That's why they make the post, for help.

 

Women base the entire relationship on emotions. They start because of emotions and they leave because of emotions. Why would coming back based on emotions be any different?

 

But it seems like you feel once they leave, that's it? Correct me if I'm wrong. I think that is a good policy but easier said than done in a lot of cases.

YES and NO. That's actually an insult to some of the women here... They base a relationship on MANY factors maybe more than men. However, the way they feel is a DOUBLE EDGE sword and because women have embraced "feelings" as their official guide it does lead them into trouble for the "unstable" or "inexperience" female.

 

A skilled man can make a female feel a certain way. That is the double edge sword. Many men at my job I worked at exploited those feelings to hookup with girls and dump them and its done on dating sites. Narcissist exploit it and relationships and marriages fall because of it.

 

 

Women are more emotional than men due to the way the brain is constructed..but some Men or Women have problems regulating their emotions or desires. The HUGE conflict with female advice here is women are more complex than men, But tend to simplify things.

 

They can hardly "shame" another women or believe that other women are malicious or unstable. The clean breakaway is that when woman does X she did it because that's how women are. That is the biggest CRAP that is marketed here and in society. However, when the guy does same said X he is a jerk and no good.

 

 

So very often its the men here that take the blame for the demise of a relationship and the first word you always get is being insecure or he did something wrong.

 

As far as the timing two weeks to me is a sweet spot. They have had a chance to reflect and caused you hurt but nothing that can't be forgotten. They haven't moved on with their lives so much you don't recognize them anymore. There likely is not a new BF and she's not moved in with someone (this is assuming she didn't jump to a new guy and it didn't work out).

two weeks is a sweet spot if you had a really big fight. Dumping a guy and saying he does nothing for her to come back 2 weeks later to say.. Oh sorry false alarm. That is NOT a sweet spot.

 

The Ex has displayed a very very important flag. No matter what the circumstances are she can pull the plug and she can cry crocodile tears and he will come. She is whats important.

 

I cannot comprehend just loosing feelings for somebody, numerous times it's happened to me I can honestly say that sometimes it's been my fault for loss of attraction but the last time, I had her besotted, I had my own life, I had her family and friends on my side asking me for advice with relationships, I was filled with compliments about how non judgemental I am. We both aren't lovey dovey, the banter was harsh and that's how I like it, nothing had changed. She says she supported me through my hard time, this month my aunts died, nan has been diagnosed with cancer, cousin is potentially not getting married through depression and anxiety, mother is in a relationship she hates, grandad is demented, not once did I get asked, 'you don't seem yourself George, what's up?' She invited me down and we spoke about things but never actively helped me mentally.

 

On the other hand when she was in hospital over Christmas I was there cleaning her flat for when her parents arrived, in January when she was having a hard time I never lost attraction when she wasn't herself. This is what I don't understand about humans? Time and time again I get it reinforced that people truly are only in it for themselves, women have needlessly lied to my face when they had no reason to just to reap the benefits, these are supposedly nice girls.

 

So two weeks is going to change her core behavior

No its not... that's why I said it isn't wise for him to go back.

but its you that yearn for the same thing to happen to you as what happen to the O.P.

 

so your actually projecting what you wish can happen to you and that is fair thinking and I don't fault you for it.

 

For those suggesting 6 months min I don't understand that. The hurt and anger in me has grown exponentially the longer that time goes on (5 months now) and I'm getting much closer to the "It's too late".

Dumpers and Dumpees and women and men grieve differently and on a different timeline. 6-8 months thru you will probably feel the indifference and you probably wont care anymore and that's when she will come back and it will be too late.

 

And sometimes they don't come back.

 

Let me advise you on something... You probably wanted to marry the ex that dumped you and be the man (or women) that stood by their sides thru thick and thin. It cost 233,000 dollars on average to raise a kid. That's just one kid. You probably want to own a decent house right? Where I live the going price of a good house in a safe community is 350k to 500k with mortgage and insurance will cost you say 2-4k a month plus utilities. You have to worry about taxes and medicare and work your ass off to pay the mortgage. Your parents raised you, put you thru school or maybe your in a trade school or maybe your just some guy that works in a hotel making minimum wage. Your just a guy doing your thing prepping your self for the future.. your family and you might not be a the star father or husband...but you worked hard to get to where your at.

 

You meet a girl that you like and you show her what you have and with her you want to grow and build something. You date her and and you exchange I love you's and you travel together or go to the movies or whatever. You guys are a team and unbreakable. Everything is 100% on your end.

 

One day out of the blue she just says (you know what don't feel the spark anymore) and as seen many times on L.S. said Man or women is with another person on facebook parading their love.

 

YES! you want to reach anger and a point of no return. Because imagine if that is done after you have married. Built a house, a family, all those hard years your parents invested in you and you invested in your self. Hell, some guys didn't have their parents help them and they struggled thru to get to where they are so that you can have it all taken away all because "Oh I don't have the spark anymore" or "some dude at work exploited her feelings" or "hector, played orbiter" You think your going to see your future daughter everyday.. No you'll see her on the weekends after you worked your 9-5 Monday thru Friday and you may get to see her every other weekend.

 

 

Look its understandable relationships don't workout and things go to crap and you have to go your separate ways. Breaking a relationship because your scared or other light hearted things is not worth carrying on thru marriage UNLESS THEY FULLY GRASP AND CHANGED WHAT THEY DID WRONG and Im saying this because most people who are with the S.O. want to of course make it to the next step.

 

unfortunately, their are many men and women out their who have no regards to the relationship and have no problems jumping into another relationship quickly and swiftly or making irrational decisions. I said this before and I will say it again. There is always someone better than your S.O. the guy or girl at work.. the bartender. The Boss at your job or the gamer girl that loves all the games you like. So the idea that I see on L.S. is "Jump Ship" go with your heart? WTF... what happen if i'm really pissed with my wife because she did something and the girl at work decides this is her chance to make her move and exploits the fact me and my wife are going thru a hard time

 

 

Let me introduce you to the most important human trait we seem to lack in this era

 

Loyalty

noun:

 

the quality of being loyal to someone or something.

"her loyalty to her husband of 34 years"

 

a strong feeling of support or allegiance.

plural noun: loyalties

Now...based on what I stated and what you saw... would you risk getting back with this girl? You think she had time to think about the other things she may have done wrong.. NO.

 

This is why I shake my head when I see men or women grasp back for the exe that showed their true colors... only to be played in future and receive more pain later on..not knowing they are highly more valuable than the exe and the only thing most these dumpers (not all) supply is a codependent fixation that the dumpee seeks and no other value.

 

 

/end rant

Edited February 10, 2017 by Sweetfish

[SevenCity]

The O.P. of these threads always appears to LOOK level headed. That a false... he has posted in many threads and you can see his anger and hurt and he is still raw and that is not level headed. You don't see straight for weeks, may be months. The reason we give advice is because many of us are not under the spell of love. That's why alcoholics go to AA because they need an objective view and support from others rather than friends and families. That's why they make the post, for help.

 

Agreed. Though I doubt the helpfulness of the advice as it often falls on deaf ears. People are going to do what they want to do - regardless if someone says it's a bad idea. I understand the OP is hurt (can't blame him) but he comes across with more sense than the average poster who was just dumped. Advise is akin to telling an alcoholic they should not drink because it's bad for them. Only when they realize they have a problem will they start to listen.

 

YES and NO. That's actually an insult to some of the women here... They base a relationship on MANY factors maybe more than men. However, the way they feel is a DOUBLE EDGE sword and because women have embraced "feelings" as their official guide it does lead them into trouble for the "unstable" or "inexperience" female.

 

You can reference many threads here that show women discussing the reasons for leaving a guy and it all boils down to how they feel. Be it a RL or dating. I don't see many saying "He's got this, this and that which I haven't found in another man so I am going to work on this and express my feelings. Rather, it all boils down to "I'm not feeling it". Guys can do this too but in a LTR they tend to be A LOT more objective.

 

A skilled man can make a female feel a certain way. That is the double edge sword. Many men at my job I worked at exploited those feelings to hookup with girls and dump them and its done on dating sites. Narcissist exploit it and relationships and marriages fall because of it.

 

 

Women are more emotional than men due to the way the brain is constructed..but some Men or Women have problems regulating their emotions or desires. The HUGE conflict with female advice here is women are more complex than men, But tend to simplify things.

 

Yes, they are more emotional than men - that's my point. Those emotions tend to guide their decisions more so than men do. Men analyze and weigh pros and cons. Women often go with what they feel.

 

What's more frustrating is that women don't even realize what they respond to emotionally. They say "Oh just want a nice guy" and meanwhile they are emotionally responding to the bad boy. Those bad boy (ie: alpha) qualities are what hooks most women. They refuse to admit this but their ACTIONS speak for them. Look what happens when a guy is too nice? Dumpsville.

 

 

They can hardly "shame" another women or believe that other women are malicious or unstable. The clean breakaway is that when woman does X she did it because that's how women are. That is the biggest CRAP that is marketed here and in society. However, when the guy does same said X he is a jerk and no good.

 

 

So very often its the men here that take the blame for the demise of a relationship and the first word you always get is being insecure or he did something wrong.

 

By doing something wrong it is usually he took her for granted or stopped being alpha.

 

 

two weeks is a sweet spot if you had a really big fight. Dumping a guy and saying he does nothing for her to come back 2 weeks later to say.. Oh sorry false alarm. That is NOT a sweet spot.

 

Agreed. However MANY women say the guy is no good / did nothing for her because that's how she is FEELING in that moment. And what do guys do? Use reason and logic: "But I did this, that and the other thing!". Women read that as he doesn't understand me and doesn't care and is trying to minimize my concerns. It's not logic, it's emotion.

 

The Ex has displayed a very very important flag. No matter what the circumstances are she can pull the plug and she can cry crocodile tears and he will come. She is whats important.

 

Agreed on this one. You set the pattern by allowing her to come back. But he hasn't allowed anything but hearing her out. This is a short term RL so I don't believe the same rules apply as if they were together for years.

 

So two weeks is going to change her core behavior

No its not... that's why I said it isn't wise for him to go back.

but its you that yearn for the same thing to happen to you as what happen to the O.P.

 

so your actually projecting what you wish can happen to you and that is fair thinking and I don't fault you for it.

 

I will admit that I would have liked to hear those words from my ex; however, my situation is completely different. She was not selfish at all (sans the way she handled the breakup) and we were together for 7 years and much older than the OP I assume.

 

At this point, I don't know that I would want to hear it. The damage has been done and I don't think I could ever forgive her for it.

 

Dumpers and Dumpees and women and men grieve differently and on a different timeline. 6-8 months thru you will probably feel the indifference and you probably wont care anymore and that's when she will come back and it will be too late.

 

And sometimes they don't come back.

 

I said it before and I'll say it again, the universe somehow communicates to your ex that you are over it and this somehow triggers them wanting you back.

 

I don't think my ex will ever contact me again so I'm not worried. I'm interested in moving on.

 

Let me advise you on something... You probably wanted to marry the ex that dumped you and be the man (or women) that stood by their sides thru thick and thin. It cost 233,000 dollars on average to raise a kid. That's just one kid. You probably want to own a decent house right? Where I live the going price of a good house in a safe community is 350k to 500k with mortgage and insurance will cost you say 2-4k a month plus utilities. You have to worry about taxes and medicare and work your ass off to pay the mortgage. Your parents raised you, put you thru school or maybe your in a trade school or maybe your just some guy that works in a hotel making minimum wage. Your just a guy doing your thing prepping your self for the future.. your family and you might not be a the star father or husband...but you worked hard to get to where your at.

 

You meet a girl that you like and you show her what you have and with her you want to grow and build something. You date her and and you exchange I love you's and you travel together or go to the movies or whatever. You guys are a team and unbreakable. Everything is 100% on your end.

 

One day out of the blue she just says (you know what don't feel the spark anymore) and as seen many times on L.S. said Man or women is with another person on facebook parading their love.

 

YES! you want to reach anger and a point of no return. Because imagine if that is done after you have married. Built a house, a family, all those hard years your parents invested in you and you invested in your self. Hell, some guys didn't have their parents help them and they struggled thru to get to where they are so that you can have it all taken away all because "Oh I don't have the spark anymore" or "some dude at work exploited her feelings" or "hector, played orbiter" You think your going to see your future daughter everyday.. No you'll see her on the weekends after you worked your 9-5 Monday thru Friday and you may get to see her every other weekend.

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm VERY glad this happened before we got married. I've been though a divorce already and don't want another under my belt.

 

Look its understandable relationships don't workout and things go to crap and you have to go your separate ways. Breaking a relationship because your scared or other light hearted things is not worth carrying on thru marriage UNLESS THEY FULLY GRASP AND CHANGED WHAT THEY DID WRONG and Im saying this because most people who are with the S.O. want to of course make it to the next step.

 

unfortunately, their are many men and women out their who have no regards to the relationship and have no problems jumping into another relationship quickly and swiftly or making irrational decisions. I said this before and I will say it again. There is always someone better than your S.O. the guy or girl at work.. the bartender. The Boss at your job or the gamer girl that loves all the games you like. So the idea that I see on L.S. is "Jump Ship" go with your heart? WTF... what happen if i'm really pissed with my wife because she did something and the girl at work decides this is her chance to make her move and exploits the fact me and my wife are going thru a hard time

 

Real romantic love is completely separate than the honeymoon phase. Unfortunately, many people don't understand that. They don't get that the butterfly feelings will eventually end.

 

Let me introduce you to the most important human trait we seem to lack in this era

 

 

Now...based on what I stated and what you saw... would you risk getting back with this girl? You think she had time to think about the other things she may have done wrong.. NO.

 

I'll agree with you on this one - I forgot about that post you quoted where she was not reciprocating. But, I still feel it is the OP's journey to see this through. Only he can come to that realization. He has to do what feels right for him - not what people tell him to do.

 

 

This is why I shake my head when I see men or women grasp back for the exe that showed their true colors... only to be played in future and receive more pain later on..not knowing they are highly more valuable than the exe and the only thing most these dumpers (not all) supply is a codependent fixation that the dumpee seeks and no other value.

 

 

/end rant

 

I struggle with that as well. I will dump a woman who is not a good person (now) but in the past I've made the mistake of falling for a girl who was just bad. It doesn't make getting over them any easier - in fact it can be worse.

 

Not only did they dump you but you have the added benefit of knowing you are a fool and they pulled the wool so expertly over your eyes.

 

By your logic, anyone who is married and their spouse had an affair should be happy it's over and not hurt at all. The opposite is true, when they show their true colors your entire world crumbles. It's like you were living a lie and that is the worst pain of all.

 

Going back is never a good idea but it will make the pain of being without them subside - the original problems are still there and will come up again though.

[jamili]

Going back is never a good idea but it will make the pain of being without them subside - the original problems are still there and will come up again though.

 

I disagree with this. I hear this all the time on this site and I think it's either a defensive coping mechanism for people to handle the fact that there ex isn't coming back, or it's just a jaded view after being dumped and hurt by the person.

 

I know way too many happily married couples who broke up for some time and then eventually found each other again and got back into a relationship together, and then lived happily there after. It won't work IF both parties don't change and grow after a breakup, true. But If you aren't changing or growing after a breakup, then you aren't doing it right. You must change after a breakup, and learn, or you will find yourself in the same spot again REGARDLESS of if it's the ex who comes back or a totally different person. The relationships will fail again and again until you grow and change. It doesn't matter if you are the dumper or the dumpee, both have to change for it to work.

 

That's what I think it's better if you have NC for a long while, and then get back together after you have had time to reflect on yourself, grow and change. You becoming more relationship savvy. You fine-tune your ability to deal with certain situations. You identify the problems and behaviors you contributed that helped lead to the cause of the breakup. Both people must do this, or their next relationship will fail, no matter who the subsequent partner ends up being.

 

Now if you know you have made these changes, and have grown as a person, and are more equipped and self-aware to deal with another relationship and do the right things, then I see no problem in getting back with an ex, and seeing if they too grew and changed. You won't know, if you don't try. If they have not grown, you will know, and the relationship can end again. Fine. At least you know. Or, maybe they did grow and change, and it will work out - great! But you never know if you don't try.

 

This is why I 100% believe in second tries.

[Sweetfish]

its not about falling on deaf ears... its giving out tools. Everyone here is giving the O.P. tools and information. He can do what he pleases with the tools and information.

 

But other people read these threads and they can take those tools as well.

 

Look alpha/beta logical is a losing battle.

 

At first a women will fall for the Disney theme and land a good guy.

By the time she is 18-21 she may yearn for what the college life or club life has to offer and that prince is holding her back. So eventually she needs a good-guy again to support her need for a nuclear family and she will seek this good-guy and depending on other various factors she will stay with that man or she will yearn for the "sex-in- the-city" life.

 

so a women can go thru her life going thru males as such.

 

Beta to Alpha to Beta.

Beta to Alpha to beta to Alpha.

Alpha to beta

Beta to Alpha

BETA to BETA

 

Men don't usually have this methodology.. they don't jump between naughty and nice. Men usually have a clear view what they want and its sex from a good looking women or just good sex.

 

So playing the Alpha card can actually get you dumped just as equally to a Beta card. The Alpha card just gains you more access to women because an Alpha male by todays definition plays on females emotions (fun) and on women who yearn for a man who just can barely slip from her fingers.

 

The problem and I like this analogy is.

 

Your hungry and you need to eat to survive and be happy. You see a field of berries, but half of those berries are poisonous. However, they all look the same. That's the difference in dating women vs. men.

 

 

Lets say there is a field of men and they are represented as berries.

 

you can usually see which male berries are poisonous or can be poisonous....but its the thrill that attracts women towards these berries. Many refuses to pick the good berries for what ever reasons (biology or society and what not)

 

 

Lets say there is a field of women and they are represented as berries.

 

many you just can't tell if these berries are poisonous and even the other berries don't know that "other women" berries are poisonous. so the best thing to do is say most of these berries are not poisonous for the sake of not tarnishing all the berries n the field.

 

 

So men start to get jaded and angry going thru the field of women because of a core issue : codependent men end up with codependent women and this creates a poor immature and toxic relationship that can not show its ugly face months or years later

Edited February 10, 2017 by Sweetfish

[marky00]

I know of the thread - I wonder where she stands with her ex?

 

The difference being is this RL was 6 months long if I recall correctly. I don't think being apart for 6 months after only being together 6 months is the answer.

 

 

The relationship in the other post was also 6 - 8 months long.

[marky00]

Going back is never a good idea but it will make the pain of being without them subside - the original problems are still there and will come up again though.

 

 

SevenCity, you don't go back to failed relationship. That never works.

 

 

I think your issue right now is your at the point where your almost moving on but still clinging on somewhat. That's why you make these comments.

 

 

If you go to the second chances forum, you will see that for the few successful reconciliations that happen, they are always considered new relationships and the time apart was always a long time, often around 1-2 years.

 

 

When people get back together 3 days after a fight or w/e, that isn't a reconciliation. That was just 2 immature people using a breakup as a bargaining chip or whatever.

[jamili]

The relationship in the other post was also 6 - 8 months long.

 

Yup, and she didnt even start missing him until 4 months after the breakup, and didnt start wanting him back until 6 months. I think as long as there was an emotional connection between the parties, the timeline of the phases the dumper goes through is likely roughly the same.

 

1-2 months: Relief

3-4 months: Freedom

4-6 months: Single life novelty wearing off. Missing dumpee.

6-8+ months: thinking about the good times, intensely missing dumpee, potential reconciliation, etc.

 

Obviously this is purely speculative in every case... but it seems common enough to be roughly referenced imo

[SevenCity]

SevenCity, you don't go back to failed relationship. That never works.

 

 

I think your issue right now is your at the point where your almost moving on but still clinging on somewhat. That's why you make these comments.

 

 

If you go to the second chances forum, you will see that for the few successful reconciliations that happen, they are always considered new relationships and the time apart was always a long time, often around 1-2 years.

 

 

When people get back together 3 days after a fight or w/e, that isn't a reconciliation. That was just 2 immature people using a breakup as a bargaining chip or whatever.

 

You misunderstood. I'm not saying going back to a bad RL is a good idea, I was saying while people do it.

 

It's never a good idea but I've seen many cases where people go back - even women to abusers.

 

I know that most successful reconciliations are after a period of time. I just don't understand why someone would go back once there are no longer feelings. I can't fathom going back to a girl I've gotten over. Doesn't make sense to me.

[SevenCity]

The relationship in the other post was also 6 - 8 months long.

 

That I didn't know. I can't understand how people can be apart longer than they were together then want to go back.

 

Does not compute.

[marky00]

That I didn't know. I can't understand how people can be apart longer than they were together then want to go back.

 

Does not compute.

 

 

Well, most people fall in love maybe like very 5 or 6 years, sometimes more. So you can wait around for that or re-connect with someone you have a history with and roll the dice. And if your 40+, maybe even more of a reason.

 

 

If u were in a successful relationship for years and it ends, that doesn't refute the fact that there was and still is a reason for that happening.

 

 

It takes a while to get your head around the fact that successful reconciliations only occur when both parties are totally over the former relationship. Once both are healed they both have the potential to bring positive influences back into the relationship.

[jamili]

That I didn't know. I can't understand how people can be apart longer than they were together then want to go back.

 

Does not compute.

 

Personally man, i dont think there are any brightline rules as to proportion of time relative to length of the relationship. I think all that matters is that there was a bond between the parties, and the strength of that bond means more than the length of a relationship. For example, you could theoretically have a stronger, deeper bond with someone in a 6 month relationship than you did with another person in a 2 year relationship. Time together doesnt necessarily determine the level or depth of connection. I know I myself was in a relationship with someone for almost a decade with whom i didnt have nearly the connection and bond with that ive had in some much shorter realtionships.

 

Additionally, there is the theory that shorter relationships are more likely to reconcile than longer ones, since short ones have the mystery of "what could have been", whereas long ones are often played out and often leave no doubt as to long term compatibility.

 

Ultimately, time is likely an illusion anyways

[SevenCity]

its not about falling on deaf ears... its giving out tools. Everyone here is giving the O.P. tools and information. He can do what he pleases with the tools and information.

 

But other people read these threads and they can take those tools as well.

 

Look alpha/beta logical is a losing battle.

 

At first a women will fall for the Disney theme and land a good guy.

By the time she is 18-21 she may yearn for what the college life or club life has to offer and that prince is holding her back. So eventually she needs a good-guy again to support her need for a nuclear family and she will seek this good-guy and depending on other various factors she will stay with that man or she will yearn for the "sex-in- the-city" life.

 

so a women can go thru her life going thru males as such.

 

Beta to Alpha to Beta.

Beta to Alpha to beta to Alpha.

Alpha to beta

Beta to Alpha

BETA to BETA

 

Men don't usually have this methodology.. they don't jump between naughty and nice. Men usually have a clear view what they want and its sex from a good looking women or just good sex.

 

So playing the Alpha card can actually get you dumped just as equally to a Beta card. The Alpha card just gains you more access to women because an Alpha male by todays definition plays on females emotions (fun) and on women who yearn for a man who just can barely slip from her fingers.

 

The problem and I like this analogy is.

 

Your hungry and you need to eat to survive and be happy. You see a field of berries, but half of those berries are poisonous. However, they all look the same. That's the difference in dating women vs. men.

 

 

Lets say there is a field of men and they are represented as berries.

 

you can usually see which male berries are poisonous or can be poisonous....but its the thrill that attracts women towards these berries. Many refuses to pick the good berries for what ever reasons (biology or society and what not)

 

 

Lets say there is a field of women and they are represented as berries.

 

many you just can't tell if these berries are poisonous and even the other berries don't know that "other women" berries are poisonous. so the best thing to do is say most of these berries are not poisonous for the sake of not tarnishing all the berries n the field.

 

 

So men start to get jaded and angry going thru the field of women because of a core issue : codependent men end up with codependent women and this creates a poor immature and toxic relationship that can not show its ugly face months or years later

 

You are not understanding the qualities of an alpha male. Alpha does not mean you use women or pray on their emotions to get laid. That's a bad boy.

 

An alpha stands his ground, treats the woman well, supports and provides for her, but doesn't let her walk all over him. He wants to be with her but if she leaves he'll be ok - and she knows this.

 

A beta male does not take action and does not set the direction of the relationship. It makes women resentful. I've seen it countless times. My neighbor's wife is the alpha in their RL. He is a small whisper of a man and she is a large behemoth with short hair. She yells at him so loud I can hear it across the street. These are the guys who say "yes dear" just so she will stop complaining.

 

 

In a RL someone usually has feminine qualities and the other masculine. A beta male relinquishes his masculinity and forces the female to take on that role.

 

It's prevalent in sitcoms where guys are portrayed as bumbling idiots who are serving and placating the woman.

 

Most women respond well to a guy who is alpha. Look at the posts here about how women like guys who plan dates and take initiative by asking them out. How confidence is one of he most attractive (alpha) qualities women cite.

 

It's the same in the wild - the females want to mate with the alpha so the offspring have the best chance of survival. On a biological level women are no different. But they will test you.

 

To use your example of women picking the poison berries, most of them think they can change the berry into a non poisonous one. Women don't go for a guy wanting to get used and dumped. They think I'll change them!

 

And if they do they will lose interest because the alpha qualities that attracted them were just a facade.

 

This is why it's so critical to remain in your center and be the person the woman fell in love with. Show yourself as needy or take her for granted and she will leave.

[jamili]

George - any update on this??

[marky00]

George - any update on this??

 

Just another successful reconciliation not updated on LS.

 

 

Too busy having fun

[Sweetfish]

Just another successful reconciliation not updated on LS.

 

 

Too busy having fun

 

He'll update us;)

[academicmoss]

I can't understand how people can be apart longer than they were together then want to go back.

 

Does not compute.

 

I completely agree with this. My ex and I were together for 7.5 months. He blocked me on Sunday telling me he needed a break from the stress. I reacted and then went into NC mode. He reached out on Tuesday morning and when I ignored those, he called my phone Tuesday night and then sent a really long emotional text, starting out okay, then went into anger, then went into I've probably already moved on and how somebody will appreciate his friendship and Yada Yada.

 

Okay, because we were only together for 7 months, I don't see how it would take him 6 months to regret his decision, as opposed to someone who was involved for years. If he and I were going to reconcile, it won't be months from now. He would have to figure himself out rather soon or I'd lose complete interest. The longer time goes by, for me, the more I pull away. I don't know. Maybe I'm weird.

[jamili]

I completely agree with this. My ex and I were together for 7.5 months. He blocked me on Sunday telling me he needed a break from the stress. I reacted and then went into NC mode. He reached out on Tuesday morning and when I ignored those, he called my phone Tuesday night and then sent a really long emotional text, starting out okay, then went into anger, then went into I've probably already moved on and how somebody will appreciate his friendship and Yada Yada.

 

Okay, because we were only together for 7 months, I don't see how it would take him 6 months to regret his decision, as opposed to someone who was involved for years. If he and I were going to reconcile, it won't be months from now. He would have to figure himself out rather soon or I'd lose complete interest. The longer time goes by, for me, the more I pull away. I don't know. Maybe I'm weird.

 

Its because you were the dumpee and it's normal. Sometimes dumpers ride a "high" for the first several months and dont even begin to process the breakup until this time. Its just the way the brain works, not really something he did intentionally. Dumpers and Dumpees are on opposite timelines. If you moved on, that's usually the best time for a succesful reconciliation, so i wouldnt shut the door on that unless you truly want nothing to do with him anymore and hate him.

[jamili]

He'll update us;)

 

Apparently not so

[Bromeo]

The O.P. of these threads always appears to LOOK level headed. That a false... he has posted in many threads and you can see his anger and hurt and he is still raw and that is not level headed. You don't see straight for weeks, may be months. The reason we give advice is because many of us are not under the spell of love. That's why alcoholics go to AA because they need an objective view and support from others rather than friends and families. That's why they make the post, for help.

 

YES and NO. That's actually an insult to some of the women here... They base a relationship on MANY factors maybe more than men. However, the way they feel is a DOUBLE EDGE sword and because women have embraced "feelings" as their official guide it does lead them into trouble for the "unstable" or "inexperience" female.

 

A skilled man can make a female feel a certain way. That is the double edge sword. Many men at my job I worked at exploited those feelings to hookup with girls and dump them and its done on dating sites. Narcissist exploit it and relationships and marriages fall because of it.

 

 

Women are more emotional than men due to the way the brain is constructed..but some Men or Women have problems regulating their emotions or desires. The HUGE conflict with female advice here is women are more complex than men, But tend to simplify things.

 

They can hardly "shame" another women or believe that other women are malicious or unstable. The clean breakaway is that when woman does X she did it because that's how women are. That is the biggest CRAP that is marketed here and in society. However, when the guy does same said X he is a jerk and no good.

 

 

So very often its the men here that take the blame for the demise of a relationship and the first word you always get is being insecure or he did something wrong.

 

two weeks is a sweet spot if you had a really big fight. Dumping a guy and saying he does nothing for her to come back 2 weeks later to say.. Oh sorry false alarm. That is NOT a sweet spot.

 

The Ex has displayed a very very important flag. No matter what the circumstances are she can pull the plug and she can cry crocodile tears and he will come. She is whats important.

 

 

 

So two weeks is going to change her core behavior

No its not... that's why I said it isn't wise for him to go back.

but its you that yearn for the same thing to happen to you as what happen to the O.P.

 

so your actually projecting what you wish can happen to you and that is fair thinking and I don't fault you for it.

 

 

Dumpers and Dumpees and women and men grieve differently and on a different timeline. 6-8 months thru you will probably feel the indifference and you probably wont care anymore and that's when she will come back and it will be too late.

 

And sometimes they don't come back.

 

Let me advise you on something... You probably wanted to marry the ex that dumped you and be the man (or women) that stood by their sides thru thick and thin. It cost 233,000 dollars on average to raise a kid. That's just one kid. You probably want to own a decent house right? Where I live the going price of a good house in a safe community is 350k to 500k with mortgage and insurance will cost you say 2-4k a month plus utilities. You have to worry about taxes and medicare and work your ass off to pay the mortgage. Your parents raised you, put you thru school or maybe your in a trade school or maybe your just some guy that works in a hotel making minimum wage. Your just a guy doing your thing prepping your self for the future.. your family and you might not be a the star father or husband...but you worked hard to get to where your at.

 

You meet a girl that you like and you show her what you have and with her you want to grow and build something. You date her and and you exchange I love you's and you travel together or go to the movies or whatever. You guys are a team and unbreakable. Everything is 100% on your end.

 

One day out of the blue she just says (you know what don't feel the spark anymore) and as seen many times on L.S. said Man or women is with another person on facebook parading their love.

 

YES! you want to reach anger and a point of no return. Because imagine if that is done after you have married. Built a house, a family, all those hard years your parents invested in you and you invested in your self. Hell, some guys didn't have their parents help them and they struggled thru to get to where they are so that you can have it all taken away all because "Oh I don't have the spark anymore" or "some dude at work exploited her feelings" or "hector, played orbiter" You think your going to see your future daughter everyday.. No you'll see her on the weekends after you worked your 9-5 Monday thru Friday and you may get to see her every other weekend.

 

 

Look its understandable relationships don't workout and things go to crap and you have to go your separate ways. Breaking a relationship because your scared or other light hearted things is not worth carrying on thru marriage UNLESS THEY FULLY GRASP AND CHANGED WHAT THEY DID WRONG and Im saying this because most people who are with the S.O. want to of course make it to the next step.

 

unfortunately, their are many men and women out their who have no regards to the relationship and have no problems jumping into another relationship quickly and swiftly or making irrational decisions. I said this before and I will say it again. There is always someone better than your S.O. the guy or girl at work.. the bartender. The Boss at your job or the gamer girl that loves all the games you like. So the idea that I see on L.S. is "Jump Ship" go with your heart? WTF... what happen if i'm really pissed with my wife because she did something and the girl at work decides this is her chance to make her move and exploits the fact me and my wife are going thru a hard time

 

 

Let me introduce you to the most important human trait we seem to lack in this era

 

 

Now...based on what I stated and what you saw... would you risk getting back with this girl? You think she had time to think about the other things she may have done wrong.. NO.

 

This is why I shake my head when I see men or women grasp back for the exe that showed their true colors... only to be played in future and receive more pain later on..not knowing they are highly more valuable than the exe and the only thing most these dumpers (not all) supply is a codependent fixation that the dumpee seeks and no other value.

 

 

/end rant

 

Jesus sweet, how poignant and wise. This is almost exactly what happened with me in several instances. I had a house, awesome job, and tried to make a life with her.

 

She left, gave me a no lube hard time (boom), and I came back for more, forgetting my worth. Drove me into a depression with the push pull, and I had to go through hell to pull myself out.

 

Almost 3 months after I finally went nc in January. I see much more objectively, that a marriage to this woman would be an utter disaster.

 

And yes, you can see my posts go from desperate, to pissy, to sad, to accepting also. Lol

 

We live and learn. I feel like a different person, and the feeling of peace is very welcome. It's been a long time coming.

[Gene Clark]

I'm not a Mr Nice Guy as such, I just want a relationship you support each other in. I didn't bend over backwards for her or any women now I've grown up, maybe I'm ridiculous but I want to live in a world where the people who are close to me I can help and support as well as have life experiences and fun with. Maybe I'm living in a dream world.

 

It's not a dream world because I live in that world too.:^)

[marky00]

See he never came back. I told you.

 

 

He'll be back one day with his tail between his legs

 

 

Sigh .....

[GeorgeWP93]

Really random but it's all going well touch wood, my life doesn't evolve around my relationship and it isn't the be all or end all of my life and never has been, I like being alone and although this relationship may not last forever, it instantly went back to being as it was after a few very frank and honest discussions. The hardest thing for me is a relationship ending when all seems good, I want arguments, disagreements and obvious reasons it wouldn't work

 

Although this relationship may not last forever, it's definitely been worth giving it another shot. I'm not telling everyone to go running back at the first sign of your ex reaching out but there are exceptions if it is a genuine heartfelt message.

 

Any questions, I'll try linger to answer.