Posting this so I don't text my ex

[Sweetfish]

I edited the original post just in case she was lurking although I don't think she's the type to.

 

She's 27, so has been in a solid relationship for her whole adult life, I'm not sure exactly how long until she met me, let's say 8 months so maybe not long enough but she spent a good bit of time alone, she loves her own company, lives alone, family lives away.

 

She didn't want a relationship when she met me but it just worked, I don't think people's lives should really change in a relationship, she can still have her freedom as I want mine I told her to make sure shes missing my company not company from anybody, we definitely spent too much time together but for me it was okay as I've never had a long long relationship.

 

She mentioned that she realised it had gotten serious quickly, and it panicked her, she was very very vague in the breakup, and gave me no reasons why.

 

Her ex was on the scene trying to get her back when I first started a relationship with her but she always told me about the messages he sent, and she blocked his number, he messaged her friend and she told him that she is happy and to leave it alone now so I doubt it's the ex but it could be a I guess. In dealing with him it didn't drag out, he said he wanted to leave, she said there's the door and apart from meeting a couple times, that was it.

 

My advice to myself would be delete, ignore move on but I'm going to see her on Sunday and told her to take the weekend to really think about what she wants, it's me who has to live with the what ifs.

 

She's not a massive texter but it wasn't a breadcrumb, it wasn't a 'I miss you' or a 'I've been thinking about you' it was a full blown admission that she had messed up.

 

To me it ended basically as the 'honeymoon period' had ended and she panicked. I was fine but her reasons are fairly legit, we hadn't done as much fun things as we usually had, she mentioned that but then said she knows it's because of the bad weather.

 

And in the terms of offloading guilt, I guess possibly, I told her I felt abandoned when i was having a hard time, but after the breakup I told her I was gutted but it takes two, life goes on, all the best. she asked why I didn't tell her I was struggling, honestly, I deal with things alone, I always have.

 

I'm going to see her Sunday with an open mind and see what she has to say.

 

Responding and going to talk to her is a big mistake.

 

Wonder if you'll get the ole... lets be friend and see how the future goes.

[GeorgeWP93]

Responding and going to talk to her is a big mistake.

 

Wonder if you'll get the ole... lets be friend and see how the future goes.

 

Probably and if I do then I shall just go no contact again and her decision has been made by me, at least I don't have a what if. What can I say, she's shown no signs up until breaking up with me that she's an emotionally unstable woman.

 

If she does it again, I'll understand the reasoning and be able to move on easier.

 

My pal is married to a woman he was broken up with for a month.

[marky00]

Responding and going to talk to her is a big mistake.

 

Wonder if you'll get the ole... lets be friend and see how the future goes.

 

Yeh something in her SMS just didn't feel right to me.

 

 

Yep it's a big breadcrumb, let's call it a crouton.

 

 

But I just think that someone who leaves during the honeymoon phase (when things should be at their best and easiest) is a big red flag. And an even bigger red flag is doing a complete 180 so soon after.

 

 

Had there been 6 months hard NC or something, I think that could have been a more genuine attempt at reconciliation.

 

 

Her sms just had way too much emotion in it. That's not the way a reconciliation can or should work.

 

 

Hopefully I am wrong. Now that you have gone this far, I guess you might as well go all the way.

[Blue1988]

When God takes away someone in your life, that means you will not be needing her in the next chapter of your life. It means that He has something better for you.

[Blue1988]

I was dumped just right after Christmas. I thought I could die. God is good. I'm here now, feeling good.

[GeorgeWP93]

I understand completely what you're saying but if it had been 6 months hard no contact then out of the blue I get a text from her saying something similar, instantly I would think, she's been about, dated about, got bored, realised the grass is greener and then come back because I was alright.

 

I'm a strong character and I feel a good judge of people, I will see what she has to say, I'm not instantly getting back with her and act like nothing's happened, frank words will be said, I will make sure she knows I don't take ****, she already does really.

 

We spent far too much time together in hindsight, not that it particularly bothered me. But I can understand for someone who was in a restrictive relationship for quite a while that it might be too much.

 

I think that especially on this forum, people will say, don't take an ex back, period, ever and maybe they're right but she's not an overly emotional girl, and a stubborn, independent one as well. If she had just replied with something basic, she would have been ignored but it was a long heartfelt honest message, admitting a mistake, followed by another long one explaining her reasoning.

 

I have to give it a go, if it doesn't work out, it's a lesson learned.

[marky00]

I understand completely what you're saying but if it had been 6 months hard no contact then out of the blue I get a text from her saying something similar, instantly I would think, she's been about, dated about, got bored, realised the grass is greener and then come back because I was alright.

 

So what?

 

 

At least these are legit reasons.

 

 

You think someone who dumps you due to lack of feelings will ever return because they are madly in love with you? OF COURSE NOT. And relationships don't always start with both people madly in love (although it does help)

 

 

But right now, there is simply no valid reason for her returning in this way.

 

 

Do you think 2 weeks is long enough for her to examine herself and her horrible behaviour? I say HELL NO.

 

 

And you after 6 months NC, u don't respond to the first crumb. You look for consistency and regularity.

 

 

You hadn't mentioned previously she sent a follow up text. Now that your neck deep in, you might as well follow through but don't take those words at face value.

 

 

Oh, and I am not one of those people who say an "Ex is an Ex for a reason". A lot of people burn bridges and ignite the relationship at the end because that is who they are. I am not that person, which is why I always hear from my exes at some point down the line.

Edited February 9, 2017 by marky00

[SevenCity]

Responding and going to talk to her is a big mistake.

 

Wonder if you'll get the ole... lets be friend and see how the future goes.

 

It's not a mistake. It is the path the OP has chosen.

 

For me I would rather endure further pain than the what ifs in my head forever.

 

George is right in that people on LS have a bunch of rules and regulations to take an ex back. Way I read it is she regretted her deicision after two weeks and the OP wants to see what's up. Nothing wrong with that IMO.

[marky00]

It's not a mistake. It is the path the OP has chosen.

 

For me I would rather endure further pain than the what ifs in my head forever.

 

George is right in that people on LS have a bunch of rules and regulations to take an ex back. Way I read it is she regretted her deicision after two weeks and the OP wants to see what's up. Nothing wrong with that IMO.

 

Problem is its been 2 weeks only so it will still be raw for both yet still long enough to have caused considerable damage to the relationship.

 

 

Had it been a few months, things would be calmer. It's most likely that both people are going to say some things they might regret later.

Edited February 9, 2017 by marky00

[SevenCity]

Problem is its been 2 weeks only so it will still be raw for both yet still long enough to have caused considerable damage to the relationship.

 

 

Had it been a few months, things would be calmer. It's most likely that both people are going to say some things they might regret later.

 

George sounds like he's got a level head but you could be right.

 

He seems a lot like me. If he didn't take this opportunity and it passed he would be kicking himself with regret forever.

 

I've never gotten back with and ex and only tried with my last one (never again). Since you seem to have experience with this it would be helpful to hear more insight from your perspective.

[jamili]

Im definitely curious about this one. Thats certainly a juicy breadcrumb and i personally would have responded to it as well. Its super, super hard to ignore breadcrumbs in general, even the lame a** ones...but a full blown im sorry i messed up is too good to pass up. It would be enough for me to at least hear her out. The pain of regret or 'what could have been' is worse than the pain of rejection to me.

 

In any case when you see her, if she offers friendship and it turns out to be a guilt thing.... you know what to do.

 

Keep us updated!

[marky00]

Since you seem to have experience with this it would be helpful to hear more insight from your perspective.

 

Yeah, I definitely have experience on this one.

 

 

This Ex of mine was the only one I have gotten back with, in total over 9 years we had 3 breakups. First time I was the dumper and the last 2 times it was her. So yeah I know a thing or two about this

[marky00]

Im definitely curious about this one. Thats certainly a juicy breadcrumb

 

In case you missed it Jamili.

 

 

I have created a new Loveshack term called CROUTON.

 

 

CROUTON = oversized breadcrumb

[jorgeg3d]

Marky, you guys clearly have a bad cycle of breaking up/getting back. That's not a healthy relationship man. I know cause I did it with my ex wife for 17 years before I was finally done and tired of it. We broke up and separated at least a dozen times in that time frame. So, I know a thing or two about bad cycles.

 

If it happens once, then ok, give it a shot second time around, but this would be your 4th reconciliation if you return right? You should not go back, because guess what? It'll happen again.

[marky00]

Marky, you guys clearly have a bad cycle of breaking up/getting back.

 

 

Never said it was healthy but it was an LDR.

 

 

This isn't about me, it's about the OP. But if people want advise on how to get past a breakup and get back into a relationship, I know a thing or two about the subject.

[SevenCity]

Never said it was healthy but it was an LDR.

 

 

This isn't about me, it's about the OP. But if people want advise on how to get past a breakup and get back into a relationship, I know a thing or two about the subject.

 

Well let's hear it!

 

Only thing I've found that helps is time and a better woman.

 

Unfortunately both take longer than you want.

[marky00]

Well let's hear it!

 

Only thing I've found that helps is time and a better woman.

 

Unfortunately both take longer than you want.

 

Not saying going back is the better option but it is possible if you have a reasonable high pain threshold. I think my pain threshold is way in the sky, I don't know why.

 

 

And the more times you go back and make things work again for at least a while, that pain threshold just increases. You definitely evolve and change faster out of necessity.

 

 

Of course I have only gone though this with one person so not sure if my experience is representative of all other cases.

 

 

But in my experience with it, if you are going to have any success out of a reconciliation, you have to shrug off the idea you are going to get a grand apology and have all your wounds healed by going back. It just doesn't work that way.

 

 

You have to accept that things are different and that your not simply continuing from where you left off. Even if the BU was only for a few days, same rule applies.

 

 

Think about it logically. The original relationship was successful because it started randomly and without baggage. Thus, for a reconciliations, you need a similar mindset.

 

 

I'm not saying an apology or talk about the past should never happen but that needs to be set aside for quite a while until both parties have started to see some positives in the re-connection.

[Sweetfish]

It's not a mistake. It is the path the OP has chosen.

 

For me I would rather endure further pain than the what ifs in my head forever.

 

George is right in that people on LS have a bunch of rules and regulations to take an ex back. Way I read it is she regretted her deicision after two weeks and the OP wants to see what's up. Nothing wrong with that IMO.

 

Why are we against it...? Because now your setting up the tone.

 

She leaves...

She cries..

He comes back...

 

Manipulation.

 

She hasn't had the time to see and feel the depths of what she has done. The fabric and depth of the relationship has been torn and ripped apart on something as little as she doesn't feel the spark and you think going back based on a very immature txt message (which i read btw) is a good move?

 

 

This does not in my opinion yield a healthy future relationship

 

4-6 months means she or he has steadily thought and came to a conclusion they have feeling for the person as in this frame of time they could have simply given up. They could actively work on their faults and not make decisions based on feelings.

 

This situation is based on irrational feelings.

 

As a dumpee they should not feel a what if... they should be more like.. "sucks for you"

Edited February 10, 2017 by Sweetfish

[SevenCity]

Why are we against it...? Because now your setting up the tone.

 

She leaves...

She cries..

He comes back...

 

Manipulation.

 

She hasn't had the time to see and feel the depths of what she has done. The fabric and depth of the relationship has been torn and ripped apart on something as little as she doesn't feel the spark and you think going back based on a very immature txt message (which i read btw) is a good move?

 

 

This does not in my opinion yield a healthy future relationship

 

4-6 months means she or he has steadily thought and came to a conclusion they have feeling for the person as in this frame of time they could have simply given up. They could actively work on their faults and not make decisions based on feelings.

 

This situation is based on irrational feelings.

 

As a dumpee they should not feel a what if... they should be more like.. "sucks for you"

 

You are going under the assumption that the OP has run out and bought a ring to lock her down on Sunday. From what he has posted he seems pretty level headed (as much as you can be in this situation). He has decided to hear what she has to say. He may not want to get back if she tries - we don't know.

 

Women base the entire relationship on emotions. They start because of emotions and they leave because of emotions. Why would coming back based on emotions be any different?

 

But it seems like you feel once they leave, that's it? Correct me if I'm wrong. I think that is a good policy but easier said than done in a lot of cases.

 

As far as the timing two weeks to me is a sweet spot. They have had a chance to reflect and caused you hurt but nothing that can't be forgotten. They haven't moved on with their lives so much you don't recognize them anymore. There likely is not a new BF and she's not moved in with someone (this is assuming she didn't jump to a new guy and it didn't work out).

 

For those suggesting 6 months min I don't understand that. The hurt and anger in me has grown exponentially the longer that time goes on (5 months now) and I'm getting much closer to the "It's too late".

 

Then others say that you shouldn't get back until you are over it. Once you are over it why would you possibly want to go back????

 

For the record Sweetfish, I almost always agree with your posts especially those on the way women love vs. men. Not picking a fight - but want to hash out your perspective more.

[marky00]

For those suggesting 6 months min I don't understand that. The hurt and anger in me has grown exponentially the longer that time goes on (5 months now) and I'm getting much closer to the "It's too late".

 

Because we are looking a it from the dumper's point of view.

 

 

Dumpers (especially women) typically take a lot longer to re-evaluate a breakup.

 

 

That's just the way it works.

 

 

2 weeks might be a sweet spot from the dumpee's point of view but it's not enough time to allow some real change to have occurred from within the dumper.

[marky00]

Then others say that you shouldn't get back until you are over it. Once you are over it why would you possibly want to go back????

 

Because the only successful reconciliations (that actually last) are essentially new relationships.

 

 

The mindset of going back to the original relationship that failed never works.

 

 

It's a case of wiping the slate clean and saying : well we loved before, let's see if we can love again by allowing it to happen naturally.

 

 

Your basically just rolling the dice again with someone you tried with before. If you were capable of loving before, you may be capable of loving again.

[SevenCity]

Because we are looking a it from the dumper's point of view.

 

 

Dumpers (especially women) typically take a lot longer to re-evaluate a breakup.

 

 

That's just the way it works.

 

 

2 weeks might be a sweet spot from the dumpee's point of view but it's not enough time to allow some real change to have occurred from within the dumper.

 

Fair enough, but what if she just realized it was a big mistake? Had an outside pressure and just couldn't handle things thinking the RL was the cause?

[SevenCity]

Because the only successful reconciliations (that actually last) are essentially new relationships.

 

 

The mindset of going back to the original relationship that failed never works.

 

 

It's a case of wiping the slate clean and saying : well we loved before, let's see if we can love again by allowing it to happen naturally.

 

 

Your basically just rolling the dice again with someone you tried with before. If you were capable of loving before, you may be capable of loving again.

 

I would have a real hard time going back after I've gotten over a girl. I would think "Why would I want to subject myself to that again?"

 

Moreover, I don't think I would ever fully trust her again.

 

I guess that's why most dumpees say "No thanks" when the dumper comes back.

[marky00]

I would have a real hard time going back after I've gotten over a girl. I would think "Why would I want to subject myself to that again?"

 

Moreover, I don't think I would ever fully trust her again.

 

I guess that's why most dumpees say "No thanks" when the dumper comes back.

 

Reconciliations aren't easy but I can imagine that there would be a real thrill out making one last forever.

 

Life is about risks. And that sometimes means dealing with pain.

[marky00]

Fair enough, but what if she just realized it was a big mistake? Had an outside pressure and just couldn't handle things thinking the RL was the cause?

 

2 weeks isn't really enough time to re-evaluate a life changing decision.

 

 

At the very least she should take more time to figure out how the hell she made such a stupid mistake if that is indeed the truth.

 

 

She could have sent a message saying she has some doubts about the decision and is working on herself and would like to contact the OP when she has figured her crap out. I think a message like that would have been more sincere.