I am the MM that entered the barren wasteland of infidelity that drained me....

[wanderingsoullost]

Hello All – This is my first time posting after seeing all the helpful feedback and guidance from fellow members on some of life’s darkest and soulless moments. I never thought one day I ‘d have to come face the barren wasteland of infidelity myself as a perpetrator. I’ll try to retell my situation in the most concise manner possible and I hope it doesn’t sound too overly confusing or illogical. I have not shared the detail of my emotional affair anywhere else and this forum is the only avenue that provided an outlet for me, a place for others to chime in and throw your thoughts, judgement and criticism. (English is not my first language so I apologize for any tardiness)

 

About Myself:

I am in my early thirties, has been married since 2011, and knew my wife since 2006. Together we have an four year old boy and another baby due late this year. We met in the final years of college (2008) and lived together since 2010. My career has not been stable since 2013 due to the industry I am in and encountered multiple layoffs which has greatly affected the family’s stability and her confidence in me as a breadwinner for the family. I feel very guilty about not being able to provide adequately for the family and have always wanted to find like-minded business partners and go down the entrepreneurial route to have some control of my future and destiny.

 

My wife has a stable career and comes from a wealthy family and her parent’s on many occasions have flaunted their wealth directly or indirectly at me saying how their daughter is only working for “fun” or to pursue her interest and passion. They have also said that lack of money is never an issue for them and the problem lays squarely on me for not choosing the right career path or trying hard enough. Inside me, I was thinking if you are so wealthy, then why all the pressure to force me to provide even more income for the family when you already have financial freedom? I was given the impression that the yardstick of success for their family is the amount of money you make and the wealth you amass. So for the past few years, the marriage has been consumed by finances and I became even more obsessed at “making it” to prove my self-worth.

 

In the meantime, I tried to be a responsible member of the household and helped as much as I can with housework, taking care of the kids and all the other misc. stuff related to a house (repairs, labor work etc.) However, I very seldom feel recognized, appreciated or loved and the constant topic that surround my ears is about my lack of financial contribution towards the household. This led to a lot of resentment from both sides whereby I basically feel that I am worthless to the family unless I can “make it” or bring in steady income year after year. This has obviously driven a wedge emotionally between me and my wife over the years and sometimes I feel trapped with no way out of the situation ie. gaining my freedom.

 

The Other Woman

 

Last year fall, I ran into this lady - a single mom in her late 30s with a three year old boy at an event and we “clicked” immediately after some conversation. (She knew from the beginning that I am married) I did not know she was a single mom until a few weeks later after chatting over lunch and this lead to an unknown type of feeling in my heart, a mix of sympathy, reverence and respect. She basically got out of a six year marriage whereby the husband is never home due to “business” reasons. (Her husband initiated the divorced) This forced her to run her own household while trying to find ways to make ends meet for herself and her son.

 

I got to know her pretty well and part of our connection is due to fact that she is an successful entrepreneur with her own line of nutraceutical products and is looking for a business partner. Since business management is my background and I felt a strong connection with her and therefore I asked if I can join forces with her to help the product succeed. The thought of why isn’t my wife like her crossed my mind on several occasions.

 

Since becoming friend and earning each other’s trust, she asked for some small help such as fixing the computer and other misc. stuff that guys are more capable of. After performing these small tasks, I was thanked in the most sincere way that really tug at my heartstrings. It’s a feeling of appreciation and gratitude that I haven’t felt in a long time. Her words are also full of emotions such as “It has been a long time since I felt this way”, “with you around helping me I feel that a big burden has been lifted from my shoulder”, “why can’t my ex-husband be like you” etc.

 

Frequent lunches, text messaging and phone calls become a common theme and more emotional connections formed. One day she asked if I can give her a hug because she wants some security and comfort. Since I am developing a type of attraction and bond from all her compliments and heartwarming thanks, I hugged her and she wouldn’t let go – she began kissing me on my neck, forehead, face and eventually a full blown French kiss. I had to forcefully separate myself with her because I am worried things will go out of control. She thanked me profusely for the hug and I feel even stronger sense of intimacy and bond with her – part sexual and part emotional. This then led to a slippery slope of frequent hot make out sessions that is mind blowing but also wracked with guilt. Despite our frequent make out, she wanted to go all the way with intercourse and this is where I insisted that this line cannot be crossed.

 

Our interactions then became a mix of business and personal talk and I revealed to her how unhappy I was in my current marriage and wanted to find ways to either improve things or get out. This is where things get interesting:

 

• Depending on the day, this lady will offer me sincere advice on how fix things at home, advising me not to pursue divorce because things are not as bad as I thought

• Sometimes she suggest me to divorce ASAP and leave the unhappy marriage and find freedom elsewhere or join forces with her to build a bright future

• You are the first person in my life that I've connected with so deeply and trusted completely

• Want me to move in with her ASAP and go for an extended vacation together

• She also said I am the perfect type of man she is looking for to help her with her business and to take care of the household

• Other times she will say I am completely not suitable for her in terms of personality and compatibility.

• I am totally not good enough and she needs to stay active in the dating scene to find the Mr. Right.

• Paint a very bright future of me and her together should I divorce and how the two of us will lead towards a very wonderful life

• Whenever I need to leave or go home, she will try different ways to prolong the or stall saying our time spent together is never enough and it saddens her to see me leave

 

On more than one occasion, her comments tugged my heart very deeply because it is exactly the dream of independence and entrepreneurship that I am looking forward to.

 

Moreoever, I truly began to develop deep emotions towards her, almost like an overpowering type of love and care. Whenever we see each other it seems that time comes to a standstill and our heart wrenches in pain whenever the times for me to leave or go home. This lead to me discussing our hypothetical future together, expressing my desire to be with her, and loving her. I’ve even thought long and hard how we can rebuild a new future should I leave my wife and kids.

 

She also became very possessive and my phone started ringing almost on a daily basis whenever she ran into any sort of issues (emotional and personal or other random stuff) to but being the typical helpful buy I tried to help whenever I can because part of my is sympathizing with her since she has no man around the house. If for some reason I could not take her call or not attend to her on a timely basis, she will get angry and it will take a bit of effort on my side to smooth things over. She will also frequently check up on me via txt message saying if I am thinking about her and if I am free to spend more time with her or have dinner together. Twice she wanted to cut off all contact with me saying how I am a married man and what we are doing is not right but eventually she changed her mind back and forth.

 

Despite all these, time spent with her have some truly indescribable positive vibe and I’ve never felt so alive, cared, loved and motivated in all these years. The unfortunate part is I’ve never experienced anything remotely similar with my wife.

 

D-Day

My wife did not know the full extent of our affair but she sensed that I am a changed person because I am growing increasingly unhappy at home. One day I said maybe we are not suitable for each other and should separate and this is where things went downhill at home and became immediately suspicious of this new “friend”. Her pregnancy is also causing some wild emotional swings and I am truly scared for her health and the unborn. She also tried her best to salvage the marriage and started communicating more with me to and finally understood my frustrations over the years.

 

Epilogue

Long story short, I’ve decided to stay with my family and decided to pursue NC with this lady friend in order to maintain some calm and semblance before things go too far. It is a hard decision to make and I feel something has died inside of me. Before going NC, I decided to inform her to get some closure and she said some of the most heart wrenching comments that still haunts me.

 

Basically her ending comments are along the line of “You know how we felt together and if we are replaceable. I respect your decision and if in the future we cease all contact you will always be in my mind and heart because these few months are some the happiest in my life. You will always be in my prayers and thoughts and I will be like a shining star always on the lookout for you”

 

What’s Next

The past few months was an emotional roller coaster ride of epic proportion and I am not sure when I can recover from the experience:

• Did she really love me or is it just affair love or limerence?

• Or did I run into a manipulative person with narcissist personality disorder?

• Is she my twin flame or soul mate?

 

Are all these perfect imagery and wonderful future together all part of the affair fog and dopamine driven fantasy? Some of them felt so real while others are just so unrealistic. Like how can someone that I’ve just known me for less than a month determine that I am the most suitable partner and trust me completely?

 

My wife basically told me if you take the leap of faith and leave the family, you will just become a pawn to help her achieve her own goal and eventually be discarded like trash. I fully understand the risk of leaving my existing family and not all new relationship will work out but I’ve always wondered if we have such a strong connection maybe we are destined to be together one or another? Or maybe all these are caused by my unclear mind?

Edited February 4, 2017 by wanderingsoullost

[BirdieBelle]

It's a positive sign that you have made a choice and are pursuing it. With a baby on the way, it would be good if you and your wife could focus on improving your family life.

You two have a long way to go to catch up on effective communication. You must learn to make your feelings known to her, but you must also stop tying your self-worth to your job situation.

As for the other woman, it definitely sounds like limerence. I seriously doubt she was your soulmate. Not even close.

I hate to tell you that it may take months and even years to stop thinking about her. If you want your marriage to have a chance, you must continue no contact. You cannot let your mind go there, but must instead keep your focus on your wife and family and on your own emotional well being.

Good luck. You won't feel like you made the right choice on a lot of days. But if you do still have feelings for your wife, you have a chance at success.

[Ronni_W]

It doesn't really sound as if the 'other woman' is your Twin Flame or Soul Mate. The type of connection you feel is very common between two people where one is lacking self-esteem and feels worthless and under-appreciated while the other is a single parent struggling to run a household and feels lonely.

 

You have been expending a lot of Energy trying to live up to your in-laws' ideas and ideals, and, in so doing, draining and depleting yourself.

Jumping into a different relationship is not going to help you increase your self-image and sense of self-worth.

 

Give your attention to working out exactly how you want your life to look, and then set your priorities so that you are working towards that every day.

If you want to be a good father and a good husband, then there are some things that you just don't get to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

I basically feel that I am worthless to the family unless I can “make it” or bring in steady income year after year.

 

Not exactly an unreasonable expectation for a man with (soon to be) two young children. Does this requirement surprise you?

 

Like all cheaters, you've revised the facts of the marriage to suit your needs. You've looked at the life you created and decided its challenges are your opportunities for cheap and easy validation. Nice for you, sucks for everyone else you promised to honor and profess to care about.

 

You've created quite a mess. That you're still looking over your shoulder at the OW doesn't generate much faith in your ability to clean it up. And all you've done in the meantime is reinforce the character concerns you claim have held you back.

 

If you've been following a plan, tough to discern from here what it is...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

As a deeply betrayed & broken person I found your post a huge trigger. Like all adulterers you are trying to place the blame anywhere but firmly on your shoulders...where it clearly belongs.

 

Do you realize that the story of your affair is no different from all the others? It seems like you have a VERY long way to go before you even resemble a decent husband.

 

This IS NOT 'just' an emotional affair!

 

"This then led to a slippery slope of frequent hot make out sessions that is mind blowing but also wracked with guilt. Despite our frequent make out, she wanted to go all the way with intercourse and this is where I insisted that this line cannot be crossed."

 

Share all the details with your wife & you might start to understand how cruel it is to be committing "mind blowing" adultery on your PREGNANT WIFE!

[Poppy47]

Maybe you are a great match and deserve each other.

 

I think the blame falls on you both.

 

Poppy.

[whichwayisup]

This OW fell for you hard, it started off as a caring friendship but when you two crossed the line and as time went on her you got to see her a side of her that probably isn't really her. Affair feelings are addictive and can make people do crazy things, act up/act out due to the highs and lows of A.

 

Don't leave your wife and kid(s) for another woman you barely know. You don't just jump out of a marriage and then hope it works out with this OW just because she made your heart (and body parts) thump. IF you leave your wife, file for divorce and be co parents to your young toddler and soon to be born baby. Don't just leave then try out life with this other woman and then run back home to your wife and kids when it doesn't work out. That's cowardly.

 

Leave your marriage because it's something you want, no matter if the OW is waiting for you or not. Leaving FOR someone else rarely works, especially if you realize you made a big bad decision and regret leaving your wife and kids behind to play step daddy to her kid(s). And then there's all that, how in the future does the step parenting kick in...Can you imagine another man helping raise your children? Let alone your wife accepting this OW near the kids... The baby isn't born yet and there's NO way your wife would allow OW near him/her.

 

Just giving you food for thought, this isn't just 'now' you need to think ahead into the future since kids are involved.

 

Also the financial side of this is something too. You'd have to pay her child support even though she comes from a family of wealth.

 

I hope you realize what you could lose, go to marriage counseling with your wife and try to reconnect and fix things. FORGET the OW, you've said goodbye, now cut off all contact, change your email and cell number if need be. If you want your wife and family to stay intact you gotta do NC.

[wanderingsoullost]

This OW fell for you hard, it started off as a caring friendship but when you two crossed the line and as time went on her you got to see her a side of her that probably isn't really her. Affair feelings are addictive and can make people do crazy things, act up/act out due to the highs and lows of A.

 

Don't leave your wife and kid(s) for another woman you barely know. You don't just jump out of a marriage and then hope it works out with this OW just because she made your heart (and body parts) thump. IF you leave your wife, file for divorce and be co parents to your young toddler and soon to be born baby. Don't just leave then try out life with this other woman and then run back home to your wife and kids when it doesn't work out. That's cowardly.

 

Leave your marriage because it's something you want, no matter if the OW is waiting for you or not. Leaving FOR someone else rarely works, especially if you realize you made a big bad decision and regret leaving your wife and kids behind to play step daddy to her kid(s). And then there's all that, how in the future does the step parenting kick in...Can you imagine another man helping raise your children? Let alone your wife accepting this OW near the kids... The baby isn't born yet and there's NO way your wife would allow OW near him/her.

 

Just giving you food for thought, this isn't just 'now' you need to think ahead into the future since kids are involved.

 

Also the financial side of this is something too. You'd have to pay her child support even though she comes from a family of wealth.

 

I hope you realize what you could lose, go to marriage counseling with your wife and try to reconnect and fix things. FORGET the OW, you've said goodbye, now cut off all contact, change your email and cell number if need be. If you want your wife and family to stay intact you gotta do NC.

 

Thanks for the reply and the time to read my long post. Her actions and behavior has baffled me especially the constant swings. I guess one can never see the other person's true side in an affair unless the relationship is genuine?

 

To be honest, I did think long and hard about divorcing but taking the leap means there is no turning back and if things don't work out with the OW then like my wife said, my life will be in perpetual ruins.

[minimariah]

so, WHY is your wife pregnant...? was the baby planned? why didn't you insist on using protection...? on one hand - you feel TRAPPED... and here you are, trapping yourself even further with having another child.

 

from everything in your post - it does seem like you failed your wife and like the main problem is YOU. you didn't bother to communicate much, you don't seem like someone who really thought marriage and parenthood through, you care WAY too much about other people's opinion and you seem unable to put an end to it RIGHT AWAY... yeah, it definitely seems like it's you.

 

Did she really love me...?

 

i don't know. nobody knows. from your description - it doesn't seem like she loved you, no.

 

Or did I run into a manipulative person with narcissist personality disorder?

 

i wouldn't go that far - she probably isn't a narcissist. she does sound SUPER manipulative and uses some of the oldest tricks in the book + it seems like she just wants a new husband, partner and a dad to her son. that's about it - it really seem like she's fishing for a replacement more than anything else. she's single, it's hard, she needs someone to help... she's trying to find herself a suitable person for the role and it looks like you were the 1st right catch.

 

I guess one can never see the other person's true side in an affair unless the relationship is genuine?

 

As usually have one advantage - they aren't burdened by the DAILY LIFE. it's all passion and bliss with occasional when-will-we-be-together irrelevant fights. paying bills, financial issues... As don't have ANY of that. if you divorce - you'll have to be a dad to your kid AND your OW's kid. blending families, the relationship between your W and the OW, the OW possibly stepping on the W's toes... you will have trouble and disagreement with ALL OF THAT. you'll have to be a tampon zone and making the OW happy... and at the same time - keeping the peace with the wife. the OW seems like someone who would lose her sh*t if you decide to attend your child's birthday without her; she seems like someone who would get mad if you decide to spend time with YOUR children on your own, without hers. finances - you'll have to pay for your kids and her kid because... if you're going to trips and buying presents for your kid... you gotta do the same for hers - especially if you'll live with them. so your expenses will skyrocket and you're already not on the same page with money.

 

the good thing = you ARE aware of all of this. it's why you (mostly) see through the OW's bull and i think you resonate pretty maturely about all of this.

 

...my life will be in perpetual ruins.

 

it won't.

 

if you leave your wife - i assume she will get the primary custody - the fact that you won't see your children daily or raise them anymore will probably be the biggest issue. if your relationship with this OW doesn't work out and if you end up being unhappy once the monotony of the daily life sets in --- you'll break it off and be single or date again.

 

life does go on.

[OWAmy]

As a former OW I can tell you that she likely feels betrayed and hurt. It will possibly feel like a double blow of abandonment - first her husband...and then you. In difficult times with difficult news to digest aren't we all capable of saying the most poisonous things to people? Perhaps she meant them at the time, but more so she lashed out at the pain and hurt.

 

I have come to view things very simply now. You were the fortunate one with a choice. Yes, having that choice may seem like a curse but you had it nonetheless. You chose to stay and when making that choice other choices disappeared. Maintain NC and block. We all say the same because it is easier all round.

 

How can you realistically leave when you have a child on the way? You can't.

 

I am with my xMM now but I know all about cutting ties and going no contact and ending an affair. Leave her alone to live her life.

[whichwayisup]

As a former OW I can tell you that she likely feels betrayed and hurt. It will possibly feel like a double blow of abandonment - first her husband...and then you. In difficult times with difficult news to digest aren't we all capable of saying the most poisonous things to people? Perhaps she meant them at the time, but more so she lashed out at the pain and hurt.

 

I have come to view things very simply now. You were the fortunate one with a choice. Yes, having that choice may seem like a curse but you had it nonetheless. You chose to stay and when making that choice other choices disappeared. Maintain NC and block. We all say the same because it is easier all round.

 

How can you realistically leave when you have a child on the way? You can't.

 

I am with my xMM now but I know all about cutting ties and going no contact and ending an affair. Leave her alone to live her life.

 

She chose to divorce her husband (nothing to do with OP) and also, she's NOT a victim in all this, she knew he was married with a child and another on the way. She wasn't 'betrayed' by him, she chose to have an A, knowing full the stakes.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the reply and the time to read my long post. Her actions and behavior has baffled me especially the constant swings. I guess one can never see the other person's true side in an affair unless the relationship is genuine?

 

To be honest, I did think long and hard about divorcing but taking the leap means there is no turning back and if things don't work out with the OW then like my wife said, my life will be in perpetual ruins.

 

You're welcome.

 

In an affair you only see the good stuff, not the bad and flawed part. If she was unhappy and complained a lot, wasn't fun, didn't make you feel so good, I highly doubt you'd continue an affair, let alone leave and be with her, right? It wasn't an out in the open real relationship, it was hidden with secrets and lies, on the expense of your wife.

 

Do you love your wife? That's the question. Is your marriage worth fixing?

[OWAmy]

This is very likely how the OW will view it.

 

Unless you've being in an affair you never quite get how the skewed thinking goes. Yes...it is illogical. That's the point.

[FoundMyStrength]

Also a former OW here. I can't speak for the woman you met, but I can tell you that being in the position of OW is unbearably painful and hard. Maybe she's being deliberately manipulative, but it's just as possible that she is very conflicted by the situation she is in. When I was in my EA with xMM, my sense of happiness, love, guilt, shame, etc., varied on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis.

 

As an OW, you are falling in love with someone who is, legally and morally, already taken. You are being pulled toward the person by the forces of sexual desire, dopamine rushes, companionship, dreams of a future, and love. Simultaneously, you begin resenting the person for being married, begin disliking/hating yourself for doing something you genuinely believe is wrong, and try repeatedly (and unsuccessfully) to pull away.

 

The kindest, most compassionate thing you can do for this woman is to never contact her again. Those heart-wrenching comments she made? I said the same to my xMM. And I meant them. I will always love him. I will always wish him happiness and goodness in his life. But the affair nearly destroyed me. 5 months later, I am still picking up the pieces of my self-worth and learning to forgive myself for doing something I once thought unimaginable. Please leave this woman alone so that she can heal.

[aileD]

Listen to your wife.

 

This isn't love. Real Love comes after a couple years of limerence. You hit limerence hard. Mostly because she filled all the checkboxes that were unchecked at home.

 

But that's not how life works. You have to work to check off all the boxes at home, not some here and some there and some somewhere else.

 

the business side- I don't think she would have purposefully used you to further herself. But I think that's how it would have turned out. Because this affair wasn't meant to last, and you would probably lose whatever you put into the business.

 

Deal with your problems at home. You have valid problems, but they're not a reason for a divorce or an affair. They're not problems that can't be overcome.

 

If you can't overcome these things within the marriage you committed yourself to and with the woman who you married and is the mother of your children, then you're not going to have a successful relationship after it. You need to get through the storm and see the other side.

 

It will be hard to forget this girl. But don't kid yourself. It is not this woman herself that you miss....you haven't known her long enough for that. You will miss the way she makes you feel. There could be a million women out there that make you feel like that, she's not special...she's just the one that was willing to let you dishonor your marriage and disrespect your wife. She was the one selfish enough to be a part on threatening the future family lives of your children. She was the one willing to sleep with a married man who's wife is pregnant. She's not amazing. She's selfish.

 

If you work on it with your wife, you can check off all the boxes at home.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Many men have KISA issues, especially in today's world when the definition of being a "man" is being challenged on all fronts (income, body, parenting, household, work, husband....etc).

 

It seems that men are more likely to fall into a KISA role when they themselves have not determined what it means to "be a man". So, when another is mirroring "man" to them, they follow that path...because...well...there it is...no introspective work required...just take it in. But, it is a false sense of self for the man, for he himself did not define it, nor give it to himself. He allowed another to set his worth, a worth that now is tied to the other person, a worth that is dependent on the other person "mirroring" it back, a worth that is not wholly owned, a worth that is fleeting, a worth that leaves one feeling more empty than before.

 

From where I sit, your most pressing issue is how you feel about yourself. Resentments are relationship killers. Building resentment is owned by the one doing the building. The onus is on self to dismantle a resentment building relationship. IC can help you to figure out the how's and whys about your resentment building. It is generally rooted in our own poor problem-solving skills. I have found that folks who build resentment are usually folks who are not happy with who they are, it is easier to place the fault at anothers feet for how we feel about ourselves than to make ourselves accountable.

 

It isn't easy being brutally honest about ourselves to ourselves. It is a journey that requires time and being able to challenge our beliefs about ourselves. Most of us find, that we have a lot of work to do on how we are moving through our life....and I mean...internal, conscious thought/rewiring work.

 

On some level, one realizes that they are crossing emotional/physical boundaries that are not acceptable to their SO.....boundaries that one certainly expects their own SO not to cross. But, you did. Did the AP really bring out the best version of you? Is the AP business venture a way to get something of your "own"? Would it really be yours? Are you trying to prove your income value to your wife/her family by piggybacking on the business of the AP? Do you think this is a healthy way to prove your worth?

 

Finding a good IC that will work through your issues with you should be job one.

[wanderingsoullost]

From the bottom of my heart - thank you all for the replies and insights. This OW just gave me a picture so bright, full of freedom and joy that is literally like nirvana - a feeling that I've been trying to find for ages without avail. Deep inside me I know that I am still dependent on her to achieve the feeling of "freedom" because and she might be using me to fill a void in her life. I just don't get how can she and I become so selfish and be consumed by this of feeling that we lost all logic and sense (ie. me not feeling a bit sad for my wife or caring about her feeling)

 

I believe I still love my wife because if not I'll probably have taken the leap of faith and left for good. But for some reasons I just do not have the same type of intense feeling for her compared to the OW. I just see all the positives and shining light from the OW but none from my wife. I know this might all part of the affair fog or brain chemical cocktail at work and will take a while to dissipate.

 

Lets put it this way, it is akin to someone standing on top of a cliff with the valley hidden in fog, if one were to take the leap of faith, you will not know if you will hit water or solid ground and walk out of it alive.

[aileD]

From the bottom of my heart - thank you all for the replies and insights. This OW just gave me a picture so bright, full of freedom and joy that is literally like nirvana - a feeling that I've been trying to find for ages without avail. Deep inside me I know that I am still dependent on her to achieve the feeling of "freedom" because and she might be using me to fill a void in her life. I just don't get how can she and I become so selfish and be consumed by this of feeling that we lost all logic and sense (ie. me not feeling a bit sad for my wife or caring about her feeling)

 

I believe I still love my wife because if not I'll probably have taken the leap of faith and left for good. But for some reasons I just do not have the same type of intense feeling for her compared to the OW. I just see all the positives and shining light from the OW but none from my wife. I know this might all part of the affair fog or brain chemical cocktail at work and will take a while to dissipate.

 

Lets put it this way, it is akin to someone standing on top of a cliff with the valley hidden in fog, if one were to take the leap of faith, you will not know if you will hit water or solid ground and walk out of it alive.

 

This is all normal. You're probably rewriting a little bit of history in your marriage to, in order to fit your justifications for the affair

[FoundMyStrength]

I know this might all part of the affair fog or brain chemical cocktail at work and will take a while to dissipate.

 

Trust me, it is very much part of the affair fog and chemical cocktail. Shortly after going NC, I took a painful stroll down memory lane and read some of our chat logs. Some of the things he said, you would have thought I walked on water. That I, literally, was blessed with superhuman capacities. He didn't see any of my flaws. The ones he did see, he turned into positive traits. And he gave me plenty of positives I don't even have. He just plain made some up for good measure.

 

All this to say, my xMM used to say things similar to "This OW just gave me a picture so bright, full of freedom and joy that is literally like nirvana." Because, in the moment, that's how I made him feel. But not for a moment do I believe that I am some sacred repository of freedom and nirvana. That stuff is inside you, wanderingsoul, and you can get it elsewhere. By rejuvenating your marriage or your career. If your marriage isn't working, perhaps by getting a divorce. This OW is just a woman. It's up to you to fix your internal world so that you feel bright and free.

[wanderingsoullost]

Trust me, it is very much part of the affair fog and chemical cocktail. Shortly after going NC, I took a painful stroll down memory lane and read some of our chat logs. Some of the things he said, you would have thought I walked on water. That I, literally, was blessed with superhuman capacities. He didn't see any of my flaws. The ones he did see, he turned into positive traits. And he gave me plenty of positives I don't even have. He just plain made some up for good measure.

 

All this to say, my xMM used to say things similar to "This OW just gave me a picture so bright, full of freedom and joy that is literally like nirvana." Because, in the moment, that's how I made him feel. But not for a moment do I believe that I am some sacred repository of freedom and nirvana. That stuff is inside you, wanderingsoul, and you can get it elsewhere. By rejuvenating your marriage or your career. If your marriage isn't working, perhaps by getting a divorce. This OW is just a woman. It's up to you to fix your internal world so that you feel bright and free.

 

Thanks all for the replies. The funny thing is the OW said something similar - like "Someone sent you from above to help me during the darkest time in my life. I can't be ascertain if my feeling towards you is true love but I simply enjoy the moment."

 

She pointed out all of my positives and that is what gave me a great feeling of recognition and admiration, something that has been lacking at home. And then some other days things will completely go the opposite spectrum and she will say "Our personality and habit is complete unsuitable for each other".

[darkmoon]

did the OW have any friends? sounds like you were all she had, and this made her dramatic, all over you like a teenager, imho

 

not taking away your good points, but the things you quote sound like movie-lines, maybe she was in a whirl

[aileD]

Thanks all for the replies. The funny thing is the OW said something similar - like "Someone sent you from above to help me during the darkest time in my life. I can't be ascertain if my feeling towards you is true love but I simply enjoy the moment."

 

She pointed out all of my positives and that is what gave me a great feeling of recognition and admiration, something that has been lacking at home. And then some other days things will completely go the opposite spectrum and she will say "Our personality and habit is complete unsuitable for each other".

 

God will never send you someone else's spouse. Ever.

[FoundMyStrength]

Thanks all for the replies. The funny thing is the OW said something similar - like "Someone sent you from above to help me during the darkest time in my life. I can't be ascertain if my feeling towards you is true love but I simply enjoy the moment."

 

She pointed out all of my positives and that is what gave me a great feeling of recognition and admiration, something that has been lacking at home. And then some other days things will completely go the opposite spectrum and she will say "Our personality and habit is complete unsuitable for each other".

 

That's also true, and also part of the affair fog. It definitely goes both ways. I look back at some of my own messages, and it's hard to recognize myself. Even my diction and writing style was different. And I definitely made xMM out to be perfect in every respect. Now that I'm 5 months out, I do still see why I was attracted to him, and do still care about him, but I also can see flaws and imperfections that just didn't register at the time. He got bored easily, was impatient, liked to talk about himself more than listen, and was simultaneously emotionally excitable and avoidant, which is a goddawful combination. The affair fog obscured all of this from my view, and that was reflected in what I told him. It was a fantasy.

 

My advice to you is to go back to your wife, try to make it work, try to find the happiness you had with OW in your real life. This may or may not work. Not all marriages are meant to be. But this will allow you to escape the affair fog, and see the affair more clearly, to see the OW more clearly. Whatever you do, go complete NC, so that both of you can begin to heal, whatever the ultimate outcome.

[wanderingsoullost]

did the OW have any friends? sounds like you were all she had, and this made her dramatic, all over you like a teenager, imho

 

not taking away your good points, but the things you quote sound like movie-lines, maybe she was in a whirl

 

OW said she has very few "true" friends that she trusts completely and I am one of the few rare ones. In addition, highly successful people have very few real friends around them (based on her words). Her behavior is really a mix of teenager, angry, very gentle and meltdown, almost like the seasons. Some of the other weird stuff she said includes "Don't you feel I am just taking advantage of you emotionally and physically to help fill my void?"

 

That's also true, and also part of the affair fog. It definitely goes both ways. I look back at some of my own messages, and it's hard to recognize myself. Even my diction and writing style was different. And I definitely made xMM out to be perfect in every respect. Now that I'm 5 months out, I do still see why I was attracted to him, and do still care about him, but I also can see flaws and imperfections that just didn't register at the time. He got bored easily, was impatient, liked to talk about himself more than listen, and was simultaneously emotionally excitable and avoidant, which is a goddawful combination. The affair fog obscured all of this from my view, and that was reflected in what I told him. It was a fantasy.

 

My advice to you is to go back to your wife, try to make it work, try to find the happiness you had with OW in your real life. This may or may not work. Not all marriages are meant to be. But this will allow you to escape the affair fog, and see the affair more clearly, to see the OW more clearly. Whatever you do, go complete NC, so that both of you can begin to heal, whatever the ultimate outcome.

 

I think this is the key, as a matter of fact, before the appearance of OW, things were relatively okay and not completely broken beyond hope. It is just this lady invoked some of the feelings that I've never experienced before, not even when I was first dating my wife. I hope such feelings can be re-discovered in my marriage.

Edited February 6, 2017 by wanderingsoullost

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks all for the replies. The funny thing is the OW said something similar - like "Someone sent you from above to help me during the darkest time in my life. I can't be ascertain if my feeling towards you is true love but I simply enjoy the moment."

 

She pointed out all of my positives and that is what gave me a great feeling of recognition and admiration, something that has been lacking at home. And then some other days things will completely go the opposite spectrum and she will say "Our personality and habit is complete unsuitable for each other".

 

Besides the fact you're married to another woman the part I bolded above is very troubling to me, even if you were single and dating this woman. It seems to me this woman has pendulum swings of love and acceptance to rejection of you. She seems unstable to me because of this.