I am the MM that entered the barren wasteland of infidelity that drained me....

[wanderingsoullost]

This is so true. It has to be one of my favorite yet simplest quotes on LS. And to add on, God will never send anyone to you while you are married.

 

But we know who will send you temptations.

 

 

 

This is one of the few times when I read the story and thought the same thing. This woman had you in her cross hairs and was aiming to get you from the beginning. This was not a friendship that happened to cross the line. She knew what she was doing.

 

Yes, you are responsible for your choices, but to say that ALL of the blame falls on you would be wrong. It is like being caught in a boat in the ocean without water. All around you is water that looks so delicious and satisfying. It looks so perfect, but it will kill you.

 

 

Yes but why me haha when I make far less than her and also far less successful career wise.

 

When I got to know her better, she revealed to me that she was quite jealous of my family from looking at the surface prior to knowing all my problems. When I revealed my problems to her, she became quite angry at how I was underappreciated at home along and how my wife doesn't deserve a man like me. Its not just the special feeling that attracted me intensely, it is also our common philosophy towards life and her risk taking attitude when it comes to entrepreneurship.

 

One of the worst thing when it comes to affair make out is while the passion is there and you feel absolutely in heaven, something is still stabbing your heart and soul because you know you are doing something wrong. The OW asked me on several occasion why it seems that I can't give it all or feel certain disconnect, as if I am not 100% hers in both heart and soul - these comments basically drove my emotions off a cliff.

Edited February 10, 2017 by wanderingsoullost

[wanderingsoullost]

I hope this place will allow me to get some answer and closures. This thread has my story - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/612659-i-am-mm-entered-barren-wasteland-infidelity-drained-me

 

But one thing that always lingered in my mind - is it common for the OW to STRONGLY first initiate physical intimacy and lead all the way into full blown physical affair? What is going on in the mind from a female perspective?

[basil67]

Women are also entirely capable of having their hormones overtake their brain function.

[independentwoman]

Yes but why me haha when I make far less than her and also far less successful career wise.

 

When I got to know her better, she revealed to me that she was quite jealous of my family from looking at the surface prior to knowing all my problems. When I revealed my problems to her, she became quite angry at how I was underappreciated at home along and how my wife doesn't deserve a man like me. Its not just the special feeling that attracted me intensely, it is also our common philosophy towards life and her risk taking attitude when it comes to entrepreneurship.

 

One of the worst thing when it comes to affair make out is while the passion is there and you feel absolutely in heaven, something is still stabbing your heart and soul because you know you are doing something wrong. The OW asked me on several occasion why it seems that I can't give it all or feel certain disconnect, as if I am not 100% hers in both heart and soul - these comments basically drove my emotions off a cliff.

 

Your wife would be much better off without you. You should just divorce her and let her go meet someone who will be faithful whilst she's still young.

[seren]

Sounds like you rather enjoy the role of being a KISA (knight in shining armour) to the OW, it reads like she makes you feel more of a 'man' than your wife. How you and the OW are alike because she is taking a risk and that you are both alike in this way. I think a lot of us would take a risk if we didn't have responsibilities and bills that needed paying and relied on a steady income. When I was on my own with a small child taking a risk wasn't possible as I had to ensure my child had all he needed, which made a boring 9 till 5 the only way to ensure that. While 9 till 5 wasn't particularly exciting, it ensured I took care of him first.

 

Therein lies the root of your thread and dilemma, 9 to 5 can be boring, can feel like we are trapped, giving in to the responsibilities versus the new and risky, however, that's life when we aren't just me and I. I find it ironic that you are so admired by the OW and that she feels angry that you are unappreciated when you are cheating on your pregnant wife, bit of hypocritical thinking going on there. I imagine your pregnant wife is worried about how you both will manage to bring up your child on a limited income, it isn't romantic, but neither is being pregnant and with a husband who, no matter how you think you are hiding it, is being different and distant.

 

If you cannot commit to your wife, child and marriage and become the responsible parent and husband that you are needed to be, then leave. As you say, your wife has wealthy parents, so she needn't go hungry, she might miss you, she will have a tough time accepting infidelity, but, she will recover in time and maybe meet someone who will make her and the child their first priority and not themselves. I am not bashing you, I am of the mind that sometimes people meet someone they are more in tune with, what I would bash you for is continuing to stay in an affair and lie to your wife. Tell her the truth, go be with the OW and her child (leaving your wife to be a single woman and maybe meet her KISA) and have the entrepreneurial life together where uncertainty is the order of the day until the business takes off. The barren wasteland of infidelity will be a thing of the past, for your wife, the barren wasteland of being lied and cheated on will also be a thing of the past.

 

I would just ask one thing, please don't minimise your wife to the OW, imagine yourself in your wife's shoes and how you would feel to know she was running you down to another and wonder at a woman who can cheat with a man who has had recent sex with his wife, who leaves her to cheat and who enables the deceit. Be grown up about it and sort it out, do it properly, ensure she doesn't feel it is her fault, accept responsibility for cheating and make sure you support her and your child, always. Good luck with your business, it is hard work, bit like being a partner and parent.

[cocorico]

 

is it common for the OW to STRONGLY first initiate physical intimacy and lead all the way into full blown physical affair? What is going on in the mind from a female perspective?

 

Women initiate sex when we want sex, just as men initiate sex when they want sex. What was going on in her mind was that she wanted sex.

[FoundMyStrength]

I hope this place will allow me to get some answer and closures. This thread has my story - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/612659-i-am-mm-entered-barren-wasteland-infidelity-drained-me

 

But one thing that always lingered in my mind - is it common for the OW to STRONGLY first initiate physical intimacy and lead all the way into full blown physical affair? What is going on in the mind from a female perspective?

 

What others have said, women also get sexual urges and act on them.

 

Also, from your original post, it sounds like an emotional connection developed first. That was the same for me, a very intense EA followed by one instance of a PA. For me, there was an unbearable back and forth as my xMM deepened the EA and physical intimacy (holding hands, kissing cheeks and heads, cuddling up on a bench during our walks). We were getting closer and closer to real physical intimacy and all it took was one kiss to tip the balance. Neither of us intended for it to happen, but both of us were waist-deep in love, and felt a very strong need to express that love through touch. If she was already falling for you, it's possible she felt that need too.

[Lady2163]

I first met XMM when I was around 20, young and dumb. I thought he was attractive and I was attracted to him. I made the first move and we had a one night stand. Roughly 20 years later we met again, I apologized if I ever hurt him or caused him guilt and I was genuinely sincere about it. We exchanged emails and I sent a perfunctory bread and butter message. His response was NOT bread and butter.

 

Now, we I was twenty ish, I wanted to have sex, but I didn't want boys who would spread it around that I was an easy lay. Well, married men don't normally gossip.

 

When we met up again, I had actually googled him years before and found out he was still married and didn't contact him. I was just starting out a new business and was a workaholic. I hadn't had sex in twenty seven weeks. When we reconnected, I needed someone who was a good fit in the bedroom, but wasn't going to demand the time you should put in a relationship.

 

It really was convenience for me, both times. We were intimate for seven years. I suppose I just got to a point where I did care about him too much, since I couldn't bear to see him lose everything for a few stolen hours a month with me. Also, he asked to give up sex with me for Lent and that made me feel....icky. I suppose I should feel somewhat flattered, since I know when you do that, it is supposed to be a sacrifice, but all my Catholic friends usually give up something they view as bad or unhealthy. So, sex with me was bad and unhealthy. Ouch!

[ShatteredLady]

I've read your thread. She WANTED YOU by every possible definition of that phrase. I don't really understand what you want to resolve in your mind from this question. She wanted a new partner, a father figure for her child, a business 'helper', a partner.

 

Is it a cultural thing that you're questioning her initiation? What's YOUR answer? What do YOU want to hear? The answers to those questions will be very enlightening. If the answers aren't already in your mind you should really think about it.

[aileD]

Shattered---

 

I don't think she wanted HIM. She just wanted what he could offer. Could be any man who had the means to take care of her.

 

Classy

[Southern Sun]

I've been reading for 4 pages now, so I've forgotten some of it, but your entire tone OP screams "VICTIM." It's just killing me. Do you hear yourself? At all?

 

You gave us this background about how your wife's family basically emasculated you from early on, setting you up for failure. You talk about your wife having a better career than you and even mention that HER parents say she only works for fun (which I find kind of insulting, BTW). And then go on whining about how the last years have been all about making money and it's just set you on this road to misery or something.

 

So essentially you are telling us (yourself) that when you met OW, you were well on your way to being primed for her admiration, because you were already beaten down and unappreciated. Oddly, I don't think I remember that your wife actually did any of this. Maybe my recall is off. And I guess you just felt so trapped and stymied by all of this pressure because you couldn't become the entrepreneur of your dreams...like the OW.

 

And is she just soooo successful? Or do you just admire her moxy?

 

I know you guys have mutual indignation for one another: you just can't believe what she's gone through and man, she just can't believe what you've gone through. But let me tell you - that's exactly how affairs start. This, oh, poor thing...let me lick your wounds for you.

 

I also understand that you think you've found someone with an interest similar to yours, but that will not make a relationship. I promise you. Everything looks rosy right now, but that bloom will fade. It's not really THAT special. What was it about your wife that drew you to her? She had things too.

 

AlwaysGrowing had some wonderful things to say about relying on others to reflect back to you what it takes to "be a man." You can't chase that from another person. It has to be self-made and self-grown. You have suffered from not having that deep inside of you.

 

And finally...SHE was the one to initiate everything and SHE seemed to run the show. Yes, she sounds like she was looking for something from you, I'll give you that. But you have free will and you were exercising every part of it. Please do open your eyes. Own your choices. Own your life. Take charge and do it with authority. At least start doing SOMETHING you can feel good about.