Infatuation, One-sided crushes, Obsession.... losses... etc.

[Tanyasinclair]

I'm new here, and... I haven't participated on any forums for a long time. I'll admit that a big reason why I'm trying this place is because I really just need someplace fresh and new to try talking about some things. I just feel like I've already used up/dried up every other avenue of potential support, I'm tired of turning to my friends and family about the same old issues, and... while I have tried professional counselling of a sort, in at least one limited area, I just feel it's not for me.

 

So... I just need to turn to a new area for a "fresh start" or a "fresh perspective" I guess, and... sometimes going to a place where nobody has ever seen me before and is not familiar with me (or too closely involved with me) can help because sometimes, strangers can offer more insights and a more objective opinion of me, my circumstances, and anything else without letting their own bias and emotions (or some ****ty bull**** I pulled in the past) muddle their judgement or the way they look at me or the situation.

 

With that out of the way.... the only thing I ask here is just... please, please don't belittle me for this just because everything I experienced is entirely virtual, entirely one-sided, and... even if 90% of everything that happened was either my fault orrrr a portion of it was only in my imagination. I mean.... there are cases where if you get crazy enough, or obsessed enough, or have enough problems in your own life for a time where you are confused and seeking escape, even the most far-fetched and childish fantasy can seem real.

 

So please keep that in mind, even if I'm sure my experience will pale compared to others, and I'm sure it will seem very silly and childish compared to others, especially since there was nothing physical involved and, as I said, it was one-sided. :/

 

But anyway, here we go....

 

First of all, well... let's just say I had some pretty unusual life-circumstances to where I basically grew up alone (partly because I was homeschooled, but there were other factors too).

 

In the end, I didn't really get my first real, deep, unsupervised social interactions until I was nearly 20. And I basically went from being someone who never told anyone anything at all, to a complete and utter attention-whore, and a thorough drama queen at times.

 

So my first bad crush happened about a decade ago, and... since it was the first, and perhaps because it happened at a later age than it normally does in people, to this day part of me still isn't really over what happened, even if I've grown to accept it and I don't think about the guy nearly as much as I once did.

 

Basically, back then, the way it began was actually really silly in retrospect. I opened up to him, so he chose to open up to me about some of his problems, and to me, at that time, it meant that sparks were flying and we were falling in love. When in reality, the only thing it actually was was just talking, even if we had shared some info about our personal experiences with each other.

 

But I had grown up with the Cinderella mindset, plus one of my parents was rather foolish-minded, basically telling me that as long as you find someone who is 1: a Christian, 2: that God seems to push you toward, and 3: Someone who has very specific political, spiritual, religious, and personal tastes (and if their hobbies ideally line up with yours), then bam, you have the perfect match and you can get married and have your babies.

 

(Bear in mind my parents were nutty enough to agree to be engaged after knowing each other a week, then they spent a course of time "courting" where one or the other would have to travel to see the other because they lived in different states, and they only saw each other a few times over the course of months and talked on the phone a few times, and got married by the end of the year..... but yeah, whatever.)

 

In the end, I thought I was in love with this guy, and.... again, what did I really have to go on, especially since I was emotionally immature, I had zero experience dealing with people, and I was dealing with first-time infatuation?

 

I spent a lot of time being passive-aggressive, I tried to change the guy, I gave him angry rants whenever he said the slightest thing that pissed me off, and.... he understood my situation and where I was coming from, so to his credit he actually did give me a lot more patience than he should have, in retrospect, because he was trying to be a friend. But... my own emotions muddled up everything I guess, because I wanted what I wanted and I could not give it up.

 

I had spent my entire life being told that I had certain dreams that I could count on, that I could look forward to. Someday, my parents would own a house and possibly valuable land or a self-sufficient farm that we'd all live off of, we wouldn't need anything from society, and I would inherit it all. Someday, I would meet my perfect man, and I'd have children and be a terrific housewife. I was told over and over that these things would happen, and I was even told, when I was 17, that that's when I needed to start thinking about how many children I wanted. And when I was 18, I was given permission to join a dating website or do anything else i wanted in that area, just as long as Dad got to meet the guy first before I did anything.

 

I had also been told at that time, that my first date would consist of the guy coming over when Dad was around and I would cook dinner for everyone to show off my home-making/potential housewife skills or whatever, plus Dad would be there to make sure nothing at all happened.

 

So from that POV, it's really no wonder I started turning to the internet at that time for exploration, companionship, etc. Even if I was a foolish, foolish person... although anyone around 18-20 can still be pretty foolish and naive anyway.

 

In the end.... I technically got my first "boyfriend" when I was 18, but that only lasted a few weeks because the guy was a fruitcake..... as you can imagine would happen if an 18-year-old decided to agree to be the girlfriend of the first 35ish-year-old who says he's looking for a girlfriend in a Christian chatroom.

 

But my first serious crush was the one I referred to above.... which was a friendship that kinda lasted about twoish years, but ended badly because 1: the guy was only interested in being friends (and had zero interest in an internet fling, and made that quite clear), and 2: Because of my own attitude. I did not handle my emotions well at all, I had a mental image of him that I had fallen in love with and I desperately wanted him to live up to that image, and.... I guess I had felt like.... since I had poured so much emotion into it, I had shared personal data with him and whatnot.... then maybe I felt... I was somehow "owed" something, or that I could somehow lay claim to him, or that if I tried hard enough to pick at him he would magically become everything that I wanted or needed him to be.

 

After that ended.... I did kinda go through something for a while where I would develop crushes on different guys. Over the years, I think I had crushes on like... perhaps seven different guys, each of varying degrees.

 

And in each instance, they were entirely one-sided, (with the exception of that very foolish first one) and they did basically seem to be based on me-me-me. In looking back, I'm not even sure anymore what I wanted or expected out of any of them. I guess I wanted perfection, I wanted someone to be everything that I wanted or needed them to be, I wanted them to say all of the things that I wanted or needed them to say, and I wanted them to make me happy and make me feel good all the time, because...... somehow I thought that's what love and being in a relationship were supposed to be.

 

I made people uncomfortable, and.... I also played on people's emotions and I played games with them sometimes, perhaps out of boredom sometimes or because I was satisfied or I wasn't getting what I wanted... I don't know. In the end, I don't think I ever did any significant or lasting harm to anyone, (although if anyone decided to push it I could've been gotten after for some emotional harrassment perhaps), but.... I never broke any laws and things always had a way of terminating before I pushed anything too far. If anything, I think at worst I was only a subtle stalker and a very whiny and screechy, overdramatic pest.

 

The thing is.... within the last couple of years, (which is what I'm kinda trying to get at here), I really do feel like history of my first really bad crush, the one I really drove nuts, ended up repeating itself, just.... although it had similar elements to what happened regarding my first bad crush, there were also several differences that left a significant impact on me.

 

Don't get me wrong, the guy did absolutely nothing to encourage me. If he did do anything, it was completely unintentional on his part, trust me. All he did was try to be a good friend, and really, he was. It just.... I first met this guy sometime in 2012 I think, but the deep infatuation didn't start until Summer 2014.

 

Please bear in mind here that in 2014, my life was just beginning to settle down after several sudden moves, a lot of expolosive family drama (remember when I said my parents got married fast without getting to know each other? Nice time for two people to start finding out everything they hate about each other just as their 30th anniversary is coming up) plus I was dealing with a lot of confusion and whatnot in other areas.

 

And.... I was lonely, it felt like all of my friends were gone, and... due to my own problems (and in some ways, my own inability to accept changes and my own immature attitude at times) I began to lose more friends.

 

So... this guy. There was ONE weekend, NOTE: JUST ONE WEEKEND, in Summer of 2014, where he buys me two games on Steam, and then offers to show me the ropes on how to play one of them because he sees I like it so much. We skype-chat for the very first time, and I hear his voice, and.... the way he interacts with me, the way he guides me, even some of the phrases that he uses... he really warms the deepest parts of my heart because I hadn't had anyone interact with me in that way since my dad did when I was very young, and for a moment I felt like I could have that back and I wanted to keep experiencing that so badly, especialyl since.... even though this guy was always pretty different from my dad, there are just some areas where they were uncannily and eerily similar, at least somewhat.

 

After that, the infatuation grew and became an obsession. Except... I think for a long time, he wasn't even aware that I was feeling this way because I was so quiet about it and I didn't even do much of anything or say much. Plus this was around the time when he had some singificant changes going on in his own life, so I think he was too stressed and preoccupied to really notice anything with me.

 

Either way, it got bad. Every time I saw him online, I would sit around and want him to talk to me, and the times he spoke to me became rarer and rarer because he was meeting and interacting with new and different people, plus I was becoming more distant and more difficult to interact with myself. But it still got to the point where I got very angry and jealous inside whenever I saw him reaching out to other people or even just speaking to them a little, I felt more and more enraged that I couldn't have more of his attention, more of his time, more of his notice.... I guess.... as creepy as this may sound, I really did feel like I wished I could somehow lay claim to him, find out everything there was to know about him, and have him all to myself.

 

Eventually I felt like I had to say SOMETHING, and I wanted to get over this infatuation or whatever, so I flat-out told him some stuff. I told him at first that I idolized him and kinda why. Then later on I ended up telling him I had a huge crush on him.

 

He was very gentle and kind about it in response, he basically just said that he was not interested in being any more than friends.

 

But... my emotions and my obsession with him just wouldn't let up. I rambled at him, I made angry rants at him, I direly wanted him to.... I don't know, treat me like a princess or go out of his way to make me feel special, I don't know. And I got angrier and angrier when it seemed like he wouldn't pay as much attention to me but he would make even small gestures of notice or affection to others on places like Twitter or Facebook.

 

It didn't help matters any that I really regarded him as... almost a god. He lived in another country, and he would sometimes talk about how his country seemed to do a few things better than the US, and... I honestly felt like, as long as he lived in that country and spoke well of it, then his country must be Heaven on Earth and it was a place I wanted to go to, especially if I could be near him. (Although travel for me was impossible because there is no way I can visit another country, not without a passport and definitely not on my budget.)

 

I know I ended up really hurting him in the end, but I think I showed him a side of my nature and a side of my thoughts I never really had before, and I cut off contact because the fantasy of having him.... the notion of wanting him in a certain way and knowing I could never have him... the way he never lived up to the mental image I had of him.... and other things....

 

The only thing I could do was terminate contact. And I also knew full well that in some ways, I had also... used him, because he was more than willing to listen, when he could, to me whine about my problems. It was just better for both of us for me to end it.

 

i did make one last ditch-effort back in October (just this last October, in 2016) to kinda explain where I was coming from and to reveal how obsessive I had gotten and what kinds of things i was thinking, and I know I thoroughly offended and upset him, for many different reasons, and I probably sounded like a complete lunatic and I said everything very very badly. But at least I was no longer keeping it pent-up, and... maybe I was hoping that something could be worked out somehow, because I also didn't want to lose him... he had done so much for me, he had been my mentor and my idol on so many levels, he had given me so much, too.

 

But he basically said that he wasn't interested in getting back in touch while I was "this far from any reality", and he told me to have a good life and not to bother replying. Which was still actually very, very kind compared to what he could have said.

 

Thing is.... I will say that I am doing much, much better now that I am away from him, now that I have him blocked, because........ it's not even because he did anything wrong. It's just that I could no longer take having him on facebook, where I could constantly see him posting on this person's status, or he would post something and reply to other people, and I would only think about how I didn't have him, how I didn't know him as well as I would have liked, how he was paying attention to others at bleh bleh time and not me..... and yet I also felt unworthy to approach him because I regarded him so highly, I felt so shy, and the worse my infatuation and obsession got, the more.... awkward, and harder, it became to approach him.

 

I think part of the reason why our talks became less frequent was because there were areas where I was getting on his nerves, and also because.... he wasn't sure how to approach me anymore. Plus there had been times when I had indicated that I wanted to be left alone, or that I preferred to initiate contact, when actually all that I wanted was to indulge in a fantasy where I said I wanted to be alone or made a vague, passive remark about something or other, and I wanted him to be the first to chase after me..... and I got annoyed when he never really did, and I got even more pissed when I did something for attention and HE didn't respond, but others did instead, because.... like a child, I was thinking inside, "Ugh I didn't WANT you, I wanted HIM."

 

I really did make him up to be like a prince in my mind.... an exotic wonder who lived in a faraway country that had to be ten-times better than the US, who had a marvelous accent, who had all kinds of wisdom, who had been kind enough to buy me gifts once in a while as a sweet gesture... although that was apparently something he regularly did for people he considered close friends and cared about, which.... when the reality of that originally sank in more, I guess I kinda got jealous (Even though there was nothing wrong with him giving gifts to any/all of his friends), orrr maybe it made me feel slightly "less special", even if there was no reason to feel that way.

 

In the end... I guess I really had this foolish notion where.... I was so badly caught up in a fantasy far outside of reality, where.... I downplayed mentally everything nice and helpful he'd ever done for me, because I was focusing on the things I wished he was doing for me or with me instead. I focused more on things he said that hurt my feelings, amplifying them, instead of focusing on how he really did do a lot of things to try and help me, even to the point of inconveniencing himself a bit on days when he was really busy.

 

In the end.... I just feel like... to some extent, I am finally learning my lesson in some areas that I don't think I ever did before. I have hurt people and really upset them, especially since I have been told that I tend to take advantage of people's willingness to listen, and I tend to make things one-sided.

 

The thing is.... It has apparently taken me nearly 12 years to get this through my thick, stubborn, bull-headed skull, but... I've finally reached the realization and conclusion that.... while I have some social needs, I can actually be pretty toxic to people at times, at least in some cases, and well.....

 

I guess.... I've just realized that I actually don't like people that much. For that matter, I don't like myself that much, either. :/ People are never good enough, they never fulfill every need, and...

 

I'm way better off just being single, because I will be the first to admit here that I am self-centered, I want what I want and I want it the way I want it, and I always seem to get more caught up in fantasies or the images of how I want things, or other people, to be than how they actually are... or anything that is realistic.

 

I also can't seem to handle it if people place expectations or needs on me. I am a lone wolf, I beat to my own drum, I don't like it when people come into my space, or I only fixate on one individual of my selection who happens to be the focus of my fancy.... and then I get continually disappointed and upset that they aren't being a good little person who will mold into fulfilling my fantasy or being/doing/saying whatever I feel it is I want/need them to.

 

I really don't know what this means for me or my future yet, but... I really don't myself working well in any kind of relationship, especially since I am self-absorbed, and there are a lot of areas where I get jealous easily and I am a bit like an attention-whoring child, and I just want what I want and I want it a certain way. I have learned to loosen up and bend a bit over the years, to where I follow the rule of "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all", and.... apparently, at first glance, people can actually find me rather charming and kind when they first meet me, and I am friendly by nature, but.... there are a lot of things about me that leave a lot to be desired. And only those who have interacted with me long-term, only those who have seen what crap I am capable of pulling, really know this.

 

So.... I don't know. I hope this post made some kind of sense, and I hope I put it in the appropriate category. Just.... if anyone got anything useful out of this, good. If anyone has any thoughts or insights to offer, please feel free to share.

 

If nothing else, it just felt really, really, REALLY good to get this all out somewhere.

[lana-banana]

Welcome! Hi! Come on in, the water's fine.

 

Your post was lengthy so I'm not entirely sure where to start, but I will say for something so long it was remarkably well-written and coherent, which suggests you're very clear on the various factors that led to your current situation. As we get older we realize just how much our upbringing contributes to our attitude, expectations, and mental processes; unfortunately, your parents didn't do you a lot of favors. It's good you recognize they weren't realistic about what dating is in this world, and it's also good that you struck out on your own beyond that. If you want to keep making progress, you could try writing I-statements about relationships (I feel I am entitled to X, I believe the most important thing a man should do is Y) and identify which ones come from your parents. You could also ask yourself which ones are healthy and which ones aren't. A therapist or psychologist can help you evaluate if you're not sure.

 

It is actually not that uncommon for young women to go too far in pursuing someone. (I think it's probably pretty common for men too, but for some reason that phenomenon isn't covered as widely.) I don't mean harassment or stalking, but just pestering until the other person tells you off. It sounds like you may have pushed it a little far past that with this guy, but that's okay. Not everyone grows up with a clear sense of boundaries. When you're isolated, you don't understand what's socially appropriate and what isn't. My guess is most of us have been the mildly crazy ex or infatuated outsider once, but most of us have also learned from that experience. Once you realize there's a whole universe out there beyond you and your feelings which won't usually be validated by people fulfilling your needs, you get some perspective. And once you're on the receiving end of a "crazy ex" you understand even more.

 

Relationships are not about fantasies. Even with the best possible partner you have to make a lot of compromises, and there will be miserable times. If you sincerely believe you can't make those compromises or put someone else's needs ahead of your own then no, you are in no shape to be with anyone. But people can change. Not everyone who is selfish now is doomed to be selfish forever. In fact, your self-awareness is a promising first step. Once you know what you need to fix, you can start thinking about how to make it happen.

 

I think you would benefit from a therapist or psychologist. You don't seem to have any problems with severe emotional dysregulation that would require psychiatric medication, so don't bother with that. Just find someone you can talk to about understanding your cognitive processes. Sometimes all we need is a little thoughtful feedback to better understand why we are what we are, and what obstacles exist between us and the people we want to be.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. Your experience is more universal than you realize. But it won't define your life or your future unless you allow it to.

[d0nnivain]

Two things jumped out at me

 

 

1. You had the wrong therapist. You need to keep searching until you find somebody that you can connect to. It took me a few years to get the right one. I eventually found 2 but now I feel like I have outgrown the current one so the search begins anew. But because as you describe your issues, they go way back, you are going to need a professional to sort through some of them. A bunch of untrained strangers on the internet are going to be of limited value.

 

 

2. IMO, you place far too much emphasis on the virtual & have not properly developed the skills to deal with actual people in real life. Stay off the internet, especially social media and dating sites. Getting obsessed with FB "friends" on the other side of the world who you will never meet just upsets you. Also your virtual friends aren't real. There is only 1 person on my social media who I am "friends" with who I have never met. He's a friend of a friend who for years hired me to do work for him so we actually communicate by phone, email & letter when he pays me.

 

 

You also need to learn to be safe on line. For example -- if your screen name is your actual first & last name -- EEEEEK! Change it before you get hurt, stalked, something bad.

 

 

In addition to therapy, you need to make real world local friends. Do you have work colleagues? Can you join a group near you that does something you are interested in? If you are still involved in Christianity, do speak to your pastor or minister to help you get a firmer grip on reality v fantasy. Doing so should lessen the obsessiveness you experience.

[Tanyasinclair]

Firstly I want to say thank you for the replies. And secondly, don't worry. "Sinclair" has always been sort of a joke I use as a fake last name, and my real name isn't Tanya, it's just the name of someone I kinda liked a long time ago.

 

Anyways, I have also been learning more about myself over time, and I've come to realize that in a lot of ways, I actually just.... really don't like people, and I mean, to the point where I actually prefer being a recluse. Like... I don't know, I think I just have one of those "I don't want to share the planet" mentalities.

 

I also do appreciate the post I saw in this thread about how internet friends are not real. I mean... I've actually been coming to that conclusion more and more myself over the last few months, to the point where I've seriously had to question what IS real.

 

About the only exception I will make is one friend who is much older than me, (I guess you could say I've proverbially "adopted" her an emotional/symbolic sense as a surrogate mother figure or grandmother), but this was kind of a unique case. It was because during the 2006 era or so, I befriended a kid (bear in mind that he lied about his age so I thought I was dealing with a teenager at least, plus I had the emotional maturity and mindset of a child myself back then), but this young man and I found ourselves with similar issues and similar interests, and did have a pretty strange and close-knit friendship, but....

 

His grandmother, (the woman I indicated) began to love me as much as she loved him because she saw us as kindred spirits, she saw how much he became fond of me, and she just... understood things. She also seemed to know I meant no harm or anything.

 

To give an example of how awesome this friendship was (and still is), let's just say something happened in 2013 during one of the crazy moves where my family ended up stranded with nowhere to go and literally nothing except our car and everything in it, and she wired us some funds right where we were and even directed us via cell phone to a nearby western union to pick up the money. And it was enough to help us get going again and to reach a destination where we could receive shelter for at least a while.

 

Something that I have cherished over the last couple of years is when I have had phone conversations with this woman. She has given me warm advice, and in some ways she has helped me get a better perspective that has actually helped me function day-by-day better, and more importantly, hate my parents less. (I mean, I do still feel that my parents deserve some of my bitter feelings because they earned it, but Mom at least has really gone out of her way to acknowledge what she did wrong, and at this point I blame Dad more for being an idiot than her, but.... nevertheless, living in constant hatred does absolutely nothing but erode your soul and drive you crazy.)

 

So my point there is just that I feel some internet friendships can turn into something deep like family, but.... my circumstances were probably unique, because I just happened to find other individuals (yes they were children at the time) who had similar issues, and.... I had the luxury that probably not many young adults would get; a second chance at having a childhood, even if it was in a very strange way. And considering these young people were very intelligent and also mature for their age in their own way, well.... I guess it was just a good balance?

 

In the end, they all did sorta end up leaving because, as you would expect, all children grow up and they move on to jobs, college, possibly even begin to start their own families.

 

And... in my state of mind, I guess I just didn't take it well for a long time. It's because for a time, some of these people (no matter what their ages were) were literally my safe-haven, kinda like a little tribe I could call my own and always count on for support and to do fun things with. We did all kinds of things like write self-insert fanfiction, we did role-plays, we co-authored general stories.... or we just talked and acted silly.

 

But you know, even if the older woman-child (me) ended up staying a child even in her early-to-mid-twenties, teenagers can't stay children forever. Again, they move onto college, work, etc.

 

It was like one of my FB friends told me, when he was trying to impart some of his wisdom on me. "Free time these days is a luxury, not a standard." And he also made it clear several times that things are never gonna go back to being the way they used to be, and on top of that, he really liked his current busyish schedule and his future aims/goals, and that he could never again enjoy the days where he just lounged around and did nothing much.

 

Either way.... I do realize that random strangers on the internet probably can't do as much as a trained professional. However, I have found that through reading and through talking to the right person at the right time, I have already gleaned powerful insights which helped lead me to epiphanies that have helped a great deal. While it's probably not ideal, I have found that sometimes, a snippet here or a snippet there can help me quite a bit.

 

It's kinda like looking for a gold mine. You're in a barren land where there is a lot of dust, dirt, holes where people tossed garbage, some areas with fools' gold that distracts you or lures your attention, but... when you do find a genuine gem or nugget, it's well worth all the stumbling around or sorting through crap. And sometimes all it takes is that one chance encounter with just the right person, under the right circumstances, with the right insight to share. And that's what I've been thriving on and, in some areas, I've been successful in finding. I wouldn't be who I am today or even where I am today without many of the people I've encountered/interacted with online.

 

Anyway....

 

I really feel like I am much more emotionally and mentally stable than I was a few years ago, especially since I'm more solid in myself, I know a lot of things I didn't before, and one huge thing that helped me quite a bit is getting Mom's side of things. I had to realize I didn't have all of the facts of what really happened in my youth, it was important to get her perspective and get her to fill in some of the details, and....

 

if anything, I find myself blaming Dad more than anything on the crap that happened and the way things turned out. To be fair, he had the worst possible examples growing up, and his family lived the soap opera life and they were also very manipulative users. Plus there may have been abuse involved, definitely verbal anyway. So... he already didn't have a good leg to start on, especially when starting a family himself. His father was an absolute *******.

 

Nevertheless....

 

Well, I won't rehash anything that I already pretty much said in my original post.

 

But what I will say is... something I do seem to struggle with these days is... I guess I'm still dealing with the residual effects of... dreams of grandeur? I mean... again, my parents did some pretty poor planning and just seemed to deal with things... sloppily.

 

To an extent, I actually sort of blame society for some of the problems, considering the stigma placed on mental health and behavioral issues (namely my brother who did have some problems and still does), not to mention... well, nothing is perfect, not even in the job world or the educational world.

 

And the fact is... I never really did well in school, and I hated school, and I just didn't jive very well with the subjects. Part of this was because I didn't have good teachers at all in some areas, (my parents even admitted themselves that they have no patience for teaching and just aren't cut out for it), but I guess part of it is also a stubborn/personal preference that I have, like....

 

For one thing, (I am sure others may disagree), if you just want to learn to be a carpenter, then you don't necessarily need to know why World War 2 happened or answer a ton of questions regarding specific dates. While I understand it is important to understand history to know what happened in order to have access to that knowledge and to help prevent history from repeating itself (hopefully, ideally), it just feels like it is not a requirement. Or it shouldn't be.

 

I just don't agree with the whole "well-rounded" education thing. A car mechanic doesn't need to know about anatomy unless he or she chooses to become a doctor, or pursue the subject as a hobby. It's almost like expecting a student to learn Spanish when they're going to to live in Paris just because someone decided it was a good idea.

 

I hope I don't sound like I am dissing education, and I'm not trying to sound like a know-it-all snob, and.... maybe some of this still goes back to my own sense of individuality and how I was never allowed to develop or explore (or find out) my own preferences, but...

 

I just feel like I have learned that a lot of the things in this world leave a lot to be desired, especially if you dive into something feet-first expecting some sort of fantasy to be fulfilled.

 

Frankly.... when I really think about it, my dad (while he was...... the only real example I had to go by for many years) is.... actually kind of a sad story. In a lot of ways, I find myself pitying him more and more, even if he brought a lot of things onto himself.

 

Again, he made a terrible mistake in getting married without REALLY getting to know the other person and without working out future plans/goals/etc with this person. But....

 

In a way, the entire thing really is like a tragedy. :/ He managed to get a wife and two kids as society standards seemed to dictate, (even if he apparently agreed to have kids in the same way one might agree to go to the grocery store to pick up a couple loafs of bread), and.... He just never had a solid career in place, and each thing he started to go for ended up falling flat for one reason or another, so he never did reach his dream goals.

 

It finally reached the point where he was out of work, and Mom ended up having to become the breadwinner because she had access to the career that could pay for everything and allow us to live comfortably, but.... the original agreement was apparently that she would just work for a few years while Dad considered his options and whatnot.

 

To be fair... we did end up living in a caretaking position and on a farm where there was so much that needed to be done that there wasn't much time for anything else, especially on top of getting Mom to work and other things going on, so that played a huge factor into things.

 

But... Dad did try a few things, such as writing his own program on his own computer (he never wanted to go through a company for fear that they would take anything he made and try to call it their own), and that never went anywhere because there was no market or venue of sale since he didn't go through any company or organization. He also tried some minor tech-related things, he even tried writing a book series, which also didn't really amount to much, even if the books were published through self-publishing.

 

In the end.... I also think he ended up going a little nutty in his own way, for a time, because he became a bit.... fascinated with survivalists, the idea of basically finding like-minded people and trying to establish your own little society and way of life apart from everything and everyone else.... I think in his own way, he blamed society and the government for some of his lack of success, because he never wanted to be part of any system, he wanted to be his own way and do his own thing and succeed on his own, and too many people factors and government regulations were in the way for him to feel like he could really do anything or get anything accomplished.

 

So in the end, I guess my final point that I've been trying to get at is... To me, because of everything he had instilled into me, there is a part of me that feels like I am still waiting for "someday" to happen, because when I was a kid he said a lot of things were gonna happen, almost like a mystical thing that was supposed to unfold like automatic clockwork.

 

"Someday", I was supposed to meet my perfect prince charming and start a family.

 

"Someday", we were all supposed to get our own land, our own dream home, our own way of life seperate from society, where we would have everything we needed and wouldn't have to have anything to do with society or the rest of the world.

 

"Someday" we would start our own business or organization and have enough money to live on where we'd be wanting for nothing.

 

"Someday" "Someday" "Someday".... "Someday".

 

I just... don't know. I know that it is foolish to wait for "someday", but.... there is a part of me (maybe it is just subconscious and psychological), where.... I kinda feel like I'm.... owed something?

 

I mean, nobody really owes me ANYTHING, and I've actually had the privilege to be given a lot of the things I've been given on a silver platter. I have been greatly blessed. But nevertheless.....

 

I do feel like I was lied to, and I was mislead with significant expectations, and it could also be because I was stupid, naive, I wanted things to be nice and easy, and I wanted the world to flow a certain way and be some kind of utopia. But nevertheless....

 

Maybe I am being a big baby in some ways, I probably am, I just feel like.... I don't *think* I feel like the world owes me something, I mean, it owes me nothing and really, as long as I have food and shelter, it doesn't seem to offer me much that I want or that appeals to me anyway. If anything, I just want to be left alone and I just want enough to alleviate my boredom, which I do have.

 

But... somehow, I just feel like.... there is still this sense of disappointment and dis-satisfaction within me where I feel.... cheated, I guess is the best way to put it. I was told that bleh bleh was supposed to happen, bleh bleh was supposed to turn out this way or that way. And it didn't.

 

And maybe in some ways, even though I've still turned out pretty well for myself I think, I can't quite forgive reality for not matching up to the one I was told I could expect, even if what I dreamed and hoped for was a delusional reality that had no hope of surviving actual reality.

 

The fact is, I am actually acting like a spoiled brat even in SAYING this, because.... in the long run, even if things (or my parents) kinda prevented me from doing much of anything or kept me out of things, I actually ended up getting to try a lot of things in later years that were practically handed to me on a silver platter, and I learned from experience that some of those things weren't really me or my cup of tea anyway. It just would have been nice to be able to try them and say so for myself, rather than have my parents oh-so-knowingly say, "our daughter wouldn't like this" and thus not even letting me try much of anything.

 

So I don't know, it really has been a mixed bag. In the long run, I did manage to get to try several things, (Even if many of them were silly little things) that most people got to try or experience when they were much younger, and for me, it was all new. But.... perhaps in a way, it also ended up devestating me more than it would have children, because my mind had the chance to really play things up and daydream more and more, imagining it all to be more wondrous and fulfilling than the reality of the experience actually would be, and then... after I tried it, it left me feeling like, "Why do people even like to do this???"

 

Anyway I think that's enough of a post for now.

[Sweetfish]

I think you would benefit from a therapist or psychologist. You don't seem to have any problems with severe emotional dysregulation that would require psychiatric medication, so don't bother with that. Just find someone you can talk to about understanding your cognitive processes. Sometimes all we need is a little thoughtful feedback to better understand why we are what we are, and what obstacles exist between us and the people we want to be.

 

I'm sorry to say this... but I beg to differ. The O.P. shows clear NPD traits

 

If not....sociopath traits

[lana-banana]

I'm sorry to say this... but I beg to differ. The O.P. shows clear NPD traits

 

If not....sociopath traits

 

Those are personality disorders, not mood disorders. I'm not a doctor and don't believe in armchair psychoanalysis, but even if the OP was a narcissist or had sociopathic tendencies, those conditions aren't managed with medication. The standard approach is CBT/DBT.

 

From this alone I don't think the OP has any dramatic damage. She just sounds very, very self-absorbed. It's up to her own desire and the services of a professional to see if she can change that.

[losangelena]

OP, my advice would be to go back to therapy.

[Sweetfish]

Those are personality disorders, not mood disorders. I'm not a doctor and don't believe in armchair psychoanalysis, but even if the OP was a narcissist or had sociopathic tendencies, those conditions aren't managed with medication. The standard approach is CBT/DBT.

 

From this alone I don't think the OP has any dramatic damage. She just sounds very, very self-absorbed. It's up to her own desire and the services of a professional to see if she can change that.

 

Agreed... im not a doctor either. So giving the O.P a clean bill of health would be equal to armchair psychoanalysis.

 

But providing other view points may give insight to the O.P. Also the O.P has stated she has gone thru professional help and does like the professional help she has received very common in NPDs.

 

Getting help will allow for more stable and healthy relationships.

[Tanyasinclair]

I have posted a lot over the last couple of days, and it has felt really good to get numerous insights, and I really do feel like all of this, and everyone here, has been helping me to sort out my head a bit. Plus it has simply been nice to get things out, no matter how ugly and crappy it has been, plus... there is always an element of risk when you make yourself vulnerable and reveal the ugly things you've kept locked up inside... it's kinda like getting naked, I guess. But thus far, I have not been disappointed on this forum, and everyone has spoken their minds without being mean, cruel, or condescending in any way whatsoever, so I have deeply valued my time here more than I can say.

 

Anyway, I guess I have simply been dealing with a lot of very crappy emotions, and ones that I haven't had any luck at dealing with until recently.

 

One thing I am finding more and more is that.... well, again, I grew up in a sheltered existence, and while I find that there are some areas where perhaps there is nothing overly wrong with this, the unfortunate side-effect is that, apparently, some of us who grew up in relative seclusion apparently don't start dealing with ten-year-old social issues, or even teenaged social issues (first crushes, peer pressure or other social pressures, the list goes on) until we're already starting our adult years.

 

So I guess this simply means that I went through some of the things that most ten-year-olds go through when I was in my early twenties. And now, it seems like I have evolved to the point where my experiences have taken me, in some fashion, to more in the area of where 15 or 16-year-olds usually experience things. Or... in some areas, depending on the issue, perhaps I have regressed back to acting a bit like a ten-year-old in some areas.

 

I do think it is a matter of personal growth, and where you happen to be at mentally and emotionally.

 

Plus.... if you happen to be a pretty sensitive individual to begin with, and you don't really start dealing with certain kinds of pressures, social complications, or emotional experiences until you are nearly 20, I think the effect on you can end up being more devestating than it would have been if you had experienced it when you were much younger.

 

Then again.... I have been reading up on the symptoms of those who are high-functioning autistics, and while I have never been diagnosed for anything, I keep finding more and more signs that I might be on the autistic spectrum, especially since I have family members who are autistic and I have been told by several friends that I seem to attribute many of the signs/symptoms of an autistic individual.

 

And.... I'm no expert on this, but I also know from a few articles I've read that one of the problems with autistics can be that they sound intelligent and even be book-smart and have excellent language skills, yet have the emotional maturity of a five-year-old. Which.... if this applies to me in any way, it makes me wonder if my emotional development may have been delayed until I was already an adult regardless of whether I grew up in seclusion or not. Particularly since I always seemed to struggle socially in my youth, and I was also the type who never seemed to want to do or try anything until I myself decided that it was my idea to do so and I was ready for it, and.... it could be that, while some people thought my parents were just holding me back, maybe they sensed that there were some things that I just wasn't ready for yet, and it wasn't the place of other people to decide either?

 

I mean... I dunno. I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. That's why I keep thinking aloud and seeking feedback and external insights from others. But... I just also feel like there are some things where... while society and the general people around can be well-meaning and pragmatic, the structure of society and what people can consider "the norm" can also fail to notice or take into consideration what might be the preference of the individual.

 

Or, they fail to consider whether what was okay for this individual over here might end up being extremely traumatic for this individual over here, for any number of reasons, and that you can't always put everybody through the mainstream, and... I'd like to believe that doctors and psychologists and other professionals can help with this, but they can also be expensive, it can be a hassle to arrange appointments, and there are usually only so many professionals to go around.

[Tanyasinclair]

I have googled the personality disorders that were mentioned here, I even took a couple of online tests, and one of them suggests I have a "Type B" personality and a tendency for drama, or.... something like that. Which, in some areas would sound about right, especially considering that... over the years I've had a fetish for drama, plus I seem to have gotten a major thrill out of watching dramatastic TV shows, sometimes I get a.... sort of sick pleasure out of hearing about other people's drama, (it depends on the person and the situation though) and I have gotten a thrill out of writing self-insert fanfiction stories where "I" get to be the sick or wounded damsel in distress in some fashion, where other characters care about me deeply and worry to death about me and try to help.

 

Either way....

 

I guess another thing is just... I know I have been really trying to work on getting over a very, very bad case of emotional dependency, and that does seem to be a big part of my problem. I have gotten much better about it, it's just....

 

If you manage to latch onto someone, to the point where you can endlessly talk that person's ear off for almost any length of time, and this sort of thing goes on for weeks or months.... I guess you can get pretty spoiled. And then if something happens where that person just can't do it anymore, (especially if they get burnt out and start dealing with a lot of new things in their own life) well... depending on how needy you were and how attached and clingy you got to that person, it can also seem almost traumatizing to let go or to accept that that person just can't do it anymore.

 

The thing is.... I happen to know that the guy I got really attached to... well, there was a period of time when I was away for a few months, and apparently during that time, someone else had latched onto him and manipulated him and demanded all of his attention all the time, and she made him her ultimate rock and became completely dependent upon him, and it completely overwhelmed and nearly broke him. And apparently when he made it clear he couldn't really do that anymore, she dropped him and never spoke to him again.

 

So it was obvious why he couldn't do that anymore with me, though perhaps if he had explained that better upfront to me I might have been able to adjust a bit more, it's just....

 

I dunno. There was a period of time when I was emotionally distraught for many reasons, and so emotionally needy, that I clung to anyone who would listen, and I would drive some people to the point of exhaustion. I guess it's just....

 

When you latch onto someone, it can be hard to wean yourself off of that person, and... it could be that if you never learned emotional independence as a child, or if you go through enough harrowing things, you'll want to latch onto someone who welcomes you willingly into their metaphorical arms and stay there, because it's safe, because they're giving you a shoulder to cry on, and it's like having the human version of the ultimate teddy bear or security blanket.

 

In my attempt to get over my... neediness and addiction to this person, I actually found myself crying at night in the absence of him from my life, in the same way that I would have sobbed my eyes out back when I was a small child, when I had misplaced my favorite teddy bear. It was exactly that kind of crying, that kind of neediness and clingliness, which... is rather childish and pathetic if you cry that way over a human.

 

I think part of it was also because I had latched onto the individual as sort of like... a surrogate parental figure in some ways as well, and I desperately wanted or needed that person to do something for me, or fill a void, that my parents had failed to fill during my growing-up years. Which.... was also pretty sad and pathetic.

[Sweetfish]

I have googled the personality disorders that were mentioned here, I even took a couple of online tests, and one of them suggests I have a "Type B" personality and a tendency for drama, or.... something like that. Which, in some areas would sound about right, especially considering that... over the years I've had a fetish for drama, plus I seem to have gotten a major thrill out of watching dramatastic TV shows, sometimes I get a.... sort of sick pleasure out of hearing about other people's drama, (it depends on the person and the situation though) and I have gotten a thrill out of writing self-insert fanfiction stories where "I" get to be the sick or wounded damsel in distress in some fashion, where other characters care about me deeply and worry to death about me and try to help.

 

Either way....

 

I guess another thing is just... I know I have been really trying to work on getting over a very, very bad case of emotional dependency, and that does seem to be a big part of my problem. I have gotten much better about it, it's just....

 

If you manage to latch onto someone, to the point where you can endlessly talk that person's ear off for almost any length of time, and this sort of thing goes on for weeks or months.... I guess you can get pretty spoiled. And then if something happens where that person just can't do it anymore, (especially if they get burnt out and start dealing with a lot of new things in their own life) well... depending on how needy you were and how attached and clingy you got to that person, it can also seem almost traumatizing to let go or to accept that that person just can't do it anymore.

 

The thing is.... I happen to know that the guy I got really attached to... well, there was a period of time when I was away for a few months, and apparently during that time, someone else had latched onto him and manipulated him and demanded all of his attention all the time, and she made him her ultimate rock and became completely dependent upon him, and it completely overwhelmed and nearly broke him. And apparently when he made it clear he couldn't really do that anymore, she dropped him and never spoke to him again.

 

So it was obvious why he couldn't do that anymore with me, though perhaps if he had explained that better upfront to me I might have been able to adjust a bit more, it's just....

 

I dunno. There was a period of time when I was emotionally distraught for many reasons, and so emotionally needy, that I clung to anyone who would listen, and I would drive some people to the point of exhaustion. I guess it's just....

 

When you latch onto someone, it can be hard to wean yourself off of that person, and... it could be that if you never learned emotional independence as a child, or if you go through enough harrowing things, you'll want to latch onto someone who welcomes you willingly into their metaphorical arms and stay there, because it's safe, because they're giving you a shoulder to cry on, and it's like having the human version of the ultimate teddy bear or security blanket.

 

In my attempt to get over my... neediness and addiction to this person, I actually found myself crying at night in the absence of him from my life, in the same way that I would have sobbed my eyes out back when I was a small child, when I had misplaced my favorite teddy bear. It was exactly that kind of crying, that kind of neediness and clingliness, which... is rather childish and pathetic if you cry that way over a human.

 

I think part of it was also because I had latched onto the individual as sort of like... a surrogate parental figure in some ways as well, and I desperately wanted or needed that person to do something for me, or fill a void, that my parents had failed to fill during my growing-up years. Which.... was also pretty sad and pathetic.

 

The thing that concern me was the manipulation of people in your other thread and thats a clear sign of NPD or if you tend to mirror people for your own benefits. If you have access to someone that deals with Cluster B type individuals I would look into that as these fetishes may creep up in your relationships if things don't go your way or you get bored with certain people.

[Tanyasinclair]

I... think there are a lot of reasons why any of us might end up choosing someone who is actually bad for us. I don't know, maybe they represented something to us that we needed at the time (especially since everybody goes through a "teenage rebellious streak", some just go through it later in life than others, I think.... or possibly twice in life, if you believe in the "mid-life crisis" thing.)

 

You might also end up with the wrong person because they remind you of someone, therefore they serve a sense of familiarity, and... I dunno.

 

The thing is, I have lost several friends within very recent years who, at one time, I could have sworn would be there forever, and they themselves would have mutually agreed that they would always be there, and that they loved me very much.

 

Also... bear in mind that due to a sheltered/secluded existence, I didn't really start making my first friendships until I was already a legal adult. Soooo I guess this meant that dealing with certain kinds of emotions, and childish tendencies in relationships, came along later in life and started effecting me harder. That's what I kinda think, at least.

 

But anyway....

 

I think for a period of time, well... you know, the feelings shared between myself and other individuals were mutual, and were very strong, but it was also a time when my family life and general reality were not very good at all, and I happened to link up with other individuals who were going through very similar problems and trying to escape their own realities as well, so.... perhaps that wasn't an ideal mesh in the first place.

 

Plus... while I am not saying that those individuals were necessarily bad, (or at least not ALL bad), I guess I was a lot less picky back then, because... if you're lonely, lost, confused, feeling hopeless, and desperate enough, you will basically take whatever you can get. And I was just lucky enough not to end up with any creepy stalkers or anything.

 

Anyway... starting in 2014, it has really seemed like the friendships I used to consider really close, the best of the best, began to drop like flies. And for a time, I was devastated over each one, some more than others, but....

 

I also found, over time, that I think part of what was happening was that I was beginning to assert myself more, I was starting to decide for myself what I really thought about certain things, and... well, to be fair, I did present myself as a rather pathetic individual to some of these peeps, one who desperately needed to be guided or pushed in a certain direction, but....

 

I found myself clashing more and more with some of these people in the end, especially since.... I began to feel more and more that some of these individuals were more interested in having me agree with them, or having their opinion come out of my mouth, than they were actually making up my own mind about some things. It could be that that wasn't their intention, but... there were several cases where I would part ways with an individual, (sometimes rather messily or rather coldly) and in the end it seemed like we more or less had the mutual agreement of, "Wow, I actually don't like you that much."

 

So in a way, it mystifies me how there can be several cases like this, where some people will come together, become excellent venting buddies, bond strongly, and have a lot of fun together in fandoms, discussing spirituality, politics, among other things, yet..... in the end, you end up realizing you were never all that happy in the relationship to begin with, and while parting is painful is also ends up being the best thing that could have happened.... and you find yourself more mentally sane and you even find yourself easing out of some terrible habits after getting away from that person.

 

I... just wonder how it is possible that someone can get into what seems like a strong, powerful friendship with someone, something that feels like it was the best thing on the planet you could have possibly discovered, and then.... it finally reaches a point where it either coldly ends like a cord being cleanly sliced through, or messily where both parties have it out one last time and then it ends.

 

Frankly, one individual I used to be with was someone who, for a time, had so many problems in her life, and... I think the biggest thing we ever had in common, really, was an interest in writing, certain fandoms, and that the both of us used to spend long periods of time acting like complete snobs who knew better than anyone else in the world how other people should think and live, and I remember I used to get a large thrill out of it whenever we would just rant together and passionately hate the world together. When that sort of thing stopped, there didn't seem to be much there anymore.

 

Then there was another friend who I loved dearly, this one was a unique case because she had a very complex mind, and.... somehow, she and I just seemed to be able to speak the same language and blend our psyches together. We could even bounce all over the place with topics, forming intricate trees and branches of multiple thought processes that each of us could readily keep up with, plus.... we were ranting buddies too, and for a time we passionately ranting about how much we hated the world and loved every moment of that bonding. Eventually though.... that, too, fizzled.

 

Frankly, it just seems like the friendships that I thought were the best, the most Golden things on Earth, also seemed to have a fair bit of toxicity in them. (But again, when you go through a lost, desperate and lonely spell of depression, without anywhere else to turn, again you'll also take what you can get and be grateful for it.) A lot of them seemed to be based upon passionate rants about this, mutual hatred for that, and building proverbial structures that included this, excluded that.

 

Plus... it would seem my parents also made similar mistakes. There was one woman who Mom considered to be her very best friend for a period of time, when she really needed someone, even to the point where she would flat-out say that this person was ten times better than her own family would ever be and met her needs in ways that nobody else ever had. This was the same person who coldly ditched my mother one day by blocking her without any explanation, and hasn't spoken to her sense. It really hurt my mom at first, but now, in retrospect, even she says that she isn't sure now what she ever saw in that person, and even said that that person had been a horrible influence in a number of ways.

 

And my dad would sometimes even half-give-up on a person who is decent and honest in favor of someone who lies, manipulates, or acts all-around nasty to those who won't give what they want. I think again it was the unfortunate environment he grew up in, but... still.

 

So... I don't know. Why is it that sometimes we can seem so... susceptible to people who are bad for us, acting like they are the best gift to mankind on God's green earth, when things just end up turning very ugly in the end? And why do we sometimes go... intentionally seeking out people who are toxic, dramatastic, or... whatever? :/

[Tanyasinclair]

Honestly.... well, I would like to think that I do have a fair number of feminine qualities, but there are also areas where I feel a bit more like a guy? I hope that I don't sound sexist or... anything like that in this post. It's just....

 

Well, when I was a kid I was always more of a tomboy, and I never really liked skirts or dresses. Plus another thing is that when I was a child, I absolutely HATED dolls, I was never interested in dressing up, doing hair, or makeup (I'm still not interested in those things). I was the one who played with toy cars and trucks in the dirt, and I would get dirty with my enormous collection of plastic dinosaurs.

 

When I got older, I started to admire myself in the mirror a bit more, and for a little while I would kinda experiment with jewelry or such, but overall I didn't like wearing it very often. I never really went out anywhere very often, (sometimes I would wear it if I attended a wedding or some other formal event), but otherwise I always felt like jewelry, while nice to have in order to look at once in a while, (I do like sparkly and shiny things sometimes), it's just... cumbersome. If you wear a necklace, you have to worry about it getting caught or tangled on something, and you have to remember to take it off before you go to bed. If you wear rings, you have to take them off whenever you do any cleaning or wash dishes. In the end, for me individually at least, jewelry is just a pain.

 

Anyway... I don't know, I also find myself feeling a mixture of wanting to be passive and going with the flow, and wanting to be more dominant. It could simply be my personality, but... I do find that um... even if I try my best not to be rude, I find myself mentally responding with "IDIOT" whenever my dad, or sometimes my mom, make a suggestion to me or try to tell me to do something a certain way without considering why I might be doing it my way in the first place. Usually after a bit more communication, I find that they had a reason for saying what they said, one that I hadn't considered, or in some cases they were just tired and weren't thinking of why I was doing this or that that way. Then the "idiot" thought is instantly regretted and forgotten.

 

I'm.... not sure if this has anything to do with an actual gender-identity topic or if it's just your typical parent/kid dynamic in some fashion. I guess my point is... I'm trying to determine if I might possibly be a lesbian, I feel I may be at least bisexual. Or possibly pansexual.

 

The thing is... well, for various reasons I've never really been into the touch-feely thing anyway, and...

 

Perhaps this is because I have never been physically intimate with anyone, but I also find the idea of kissing or touching someone in certain ways to be rather appalling, and I really don't see the appeal of kissing. I feel that I may sound like an overgrown child in saying this, but... while I can appreciate the beauty of seeing a couple kiss in a TV show or movie, the thought of actually doing it myself is kinda "ew". Not to mention there is the thought of someone getting into your personal space to that level, putting their mouth on yours, smelling their breath and their saliva getting on your lips or possibly in your mouth... EW EW EW EW EW EWWWWW.

 

Plus.... for some reason or other, well.... I tend to find myself more attracted to girls than guys.

 

If I see a poster or an image that has a really attractive woman, especially if she has a lot of skin exposed or is dressed very very nicely, I will find myself staring and admiring her. In fact, I've even found myself admiring female characters in my favorite shows. Lately I have been watching Deep Space Nine, and in episodes where Dax, Leeta, or some other nice-looking female character dress up in a nice suit or style their hair a certain way, I will notice it, and I will even feel something I don't feel when I look at the male characters or pictures of guys.

 

Overall, I'm not really interested in a relationship right now, especially since I have enough of my own problems, and I seem to have more than enough selfish streaks and whatnot, plus I rather enjoy my single life. And if you ever get certain.... needs, there are methods for self-pleasure. But...

 

I just find it interesting that in a lot of ways, I can look a bare-chested guy and think "yuck". I feel turned off, appalled, like it's unnatural for me to want to look at that.

 

There are some exceptions, like.... I look at male forms who seem to have somewhat more "feminine" prerequisites, such as Legolas from the Lord of the Rings movies. But otherwise, yeah.

 

But there is also the fact that I seem to get.... turned on emotionally and intellectually. If I seem to mesh very well with someone, if we click extremely well, and if it seems there is something there where our psyches can blend, sometimes I will get obsessed over that person or want to follow them to the ends of the earth. I don't even get interested in that person sexually, I just want the continued mesh of spirit, emotion and mind, and I will want to go deeper and deeper.... even if that person can't or doesn't want to longterm, or even if it doesn't really work out.

[Downtown]

Tanya, I suggest you seriously consider the comments provided here -- and in another of your threads -- by Sweetfish. I believe she made some very insightful observations about the possible role of strong NPD traits. I also agree with lana-banana that you don't seem to be describing any warning signs for emotional instability (as could arise from bipolar or another mood disorder). Instead, you seem to be describing yourself as a fairly stable woman who likes a lot of alone time, who prefers dealing with virtual people instead of real-world people, and who enjoys fantasizing (taking advantage of your very active imagination).

 

I therefore suggest you take a look at the behavioral symptoms for SPD (Schizoid Personality Disorder) to see if most of those warning signs sound very familiar to you. I recommend the description of SPD at OutoftheFog and the description of SPD and "Secret Schizoids" at Wikipedia. If those discussions ring some bells, I would suggest you discuss it with a very good therapist. Take care, Tanya.

[Tanyasinclair]

Sooo I've had a lot of time to mull a lot of things over, talk to some different people, get some different perspectives, and just process everything that I've heard/read on this forum (in some cases, even by reading other threads that have nothing to do with me, where I have nothing useful to contribute myself, but I can glean something by observing the problem and reading the responses from others.)

 

While I was in the shower today, I felt like I really had a powerful epiphany. And you know... sometimes you really have to get down to the grass roots of WHY you are doing some of the things you are doing, and why you want/expect certain things from others, so that you can stop doing it and improve.

 

I kinda realized.... there is actually one vital thing at the bottom of everything, as to why I expect so much from others, why I feel entitled to being treated and accepted a certain way, among..... other things.

 

I finally realized just WHAT it is that has been the most.... driving force in my life. Like... just WHAT is the one, key thing that has always motivated me, always made me feel like I was something special, that I was gonna go places and be something someday?

 

It was my Dad. For a long time, he was the center of my universe. And in retrospect, I think he liked that quite a bit. While I was growing up, we were best friends, especially since in a way, he was the only one around. Mom was always working and my brother always had the mental capacity of a five-year-old due to the disabilities he was born with.

 

On top of that.... in retrospect, I also feel that my dad really liked having something around that he felt he could mold, control, and try to shape to be just what he wanted it to be, especially since his own family had tried to do the same with him while he was growing up; my theory is that in a way, he subconsciously felt like it was HIS turn, orrr maybe it just felt good and empowering for him to have something that would soak up nearly everything he said, that he could basically... program, tell what to think, etc.

 

And since I was also the type who never seemed to be accepted too well by my peers, and I was never overly social anyway, well... That, along with the way my dad seemed to expect certain things, and he would ALWAYS correct me with what opinions to have and what was the correct way to think if I didn't follow his line of thinking exactly, well.... I got used to the idea that as long as you're a good girl, and you live up to the image that someone else has of you, and you do what you need to do to maintain and enhance that image, you'll do awesomenly in life... or at least, you won't be rejected.

 

Then comes the day when you finally get exposed to more people, alternate opinions, and you start developing your own mind and you start to realize that Daddy actually had a LOT of flaws and some of his opinions were complete BS, it shatters your mind and makes you wonder what to think, what to believe, and who you can really turn anymore.

 

So... even though I hated the way that my dad molded me and did his best to program me with how to think and what kind of personality to have and etc, (without even trying to get to know the real me) well... I guess... unintentionally, I kinda made that my lot in life.

 

I turned to other people instead who were good at firmly stating their opinions, and people who seemed to like the fact that I would soak up whatever they were saying, and I ate it up especially if it was something that contradicted anything my dad put into me while I was growing up, because I felt like... I NEEDED the backup forces to tell me that it was okay to disagree with anything my dad taught me, and that it was also okay to hate him and his opinions.

 

The only problem is.... that lead to some very unhealthy friendships that were centered around me basically saying everything I hated about my life, and stating everything I disagreed with/wanted to disagree with. Because.... I was looking for that kind of support, and i was looking for security and the "right" to say whatever I wished and to disagree with everything I had ever been taught.

 

And in the end, I ended up in some friendships where I found people who, in some ways, were similar to my parents in some manner, whether it was their sensibilities or their bossiness in wanting me to agree with their opinions, and.... for a time, as long as they disagreed with anything I had been taught growing up, I followed it like a mule follows a carrot.

 

Only problem was that eventually.... I kinda started to get over myself, understand more of where my parents were coming from, and I recognized that they were trying to do better and that they had realized (as much as they are ever going to) that they really did mess up in a lot of ways, and I actually did receive some apologies (from my mother at least, although none from Dad, though he's not the apologizing type anyway)

 

So... I guess my point is....

 

My biggest goal in life seems to be... that I just want approval, if someone has an image they set before me, then as long as I'm getting something out of it I'll do my best to live up to that image even if I have to lie and fake stuff, because that's what I had to do with my dad during my growing-up years because he'd have it no other way. And he was good at lying and faking stuff, too.

 

I guess.... I had a long period of time where I would do anything, say anything, just to feel like I have the sympathy, support and protection of anyone who would listen, and I would do anything, SAY anything, to feel like I could keep it. And this also lead to me getting hurt several times and hurting other people.

 

Anyone wants to feel valued, like they can be something, and like they have something grand to look forward to in the future.

 

Unfortunately, I basically got brought up in the environment where.... as long as you maintain an image and make people think that you're something that you're not, you won't be rejected and you'll even get stuff. And you can always, ALWAYS wait and look forward to your ship to come in someday, because it is society's fault and everything is the government's fault for being in too much control, and someday America is going to collapse and we'll all create a glorious new order where maybe we can achieve space travel, and the Christian people will be in charge again rather than the nosy government and their police force constantly looking down our shoulders and breathing down our necks.

[Tanyasinclair]

I've just....

 

It also just seems like I am very, very sensitive to criticism, to whenever it feels like someone is trying to tell me what to do with ANY potential threat or hint or rejection or if I don't do it or don't do it their way, and I also seem to have a problem with it whenever someone I've latched onto (especially if it is someone I have "adopted" or latched onto in the way that i'm using them to fill a role similar to that of one of my parents, especially Dad), I will have a HUGE problem with it if they hurt my feelings, if they get angry with me in any way whatsoever, if they are the least bit impolite.

 

Or if they do end up making me upset, failing to live up to an image I set for them, or anything at all... I don't know, it almost seems like I end up sort of treating them like I require them to get down on their knees and perform the ultimate sacrifice to me and the gods before I might consider forgiving them or really accepting their apology or maybe getting over my hard feelings.

 

I also feel that I probably do sound like a raving lunatic here. I probably am. I'm just... trying to work through my thoughts, feelings, and personality difficulities. And I'm stating things as I see them.