Mr Scorpio Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 I met a woman about two years ago at work (where I provide music lessons). We got along well. We began to run into each other at bars around town. She invited me over to sit with her group the first time. Eventually that turned into her greeting me with warm hugs, taking photos of us, and sitting with me to talk (even when she had other people with her). She has also invited me out both to see her perform live and to her house for parties. I was attracted to her from the first second. That didn't matter though as she was married. About four months ago while we were chatting at the bar I found out that she had separated from her husband. While explaining the situation she mentioned that she and her ex (who she still resides with seemingly for financial reasons) agreed not to invite anyone over that they were interested in. I figured this crosses me off the list since I had been invited. I eventually allowed myself to believe otherwise (after some prodding some friends who saw us together at a bar on Xmas Eve). So, I invited her out on NYE to see a concert an hour away in the next nearest city. In retrospect it was likely a problem that I didn't ask her out on a date. I just asked what she had going, said "here's this concert I can get you backstage at, wanna go?". She happily said yes. She was all done up when I picked her up (hair, makeup, etc). But I didn't know if this was a date or just buddies palin' around. Because of that, and my general reserved nature, and the work relationship, I did not make any type of move (grabbing, kissing, outright flirting, etc). I dropped her off the next morning. She texted me a few hours later thanking me and saying she had a good time. A few hours later she followed up by inviting me out to come see her perform. I went. Afterward I shot her a text saying I was down to get drinks the next day. No response. I followed-up later that week asking how her week was going and asking if she wanted to go out that weekend. She said that she was busy but thanked me for the invite. I probably should have stopped everything right there in retrospect. I should have figured that she wasn't interested since she didn't propose a different time or follow-up. When I saw her next at work she was slightly reserved and quiet. Slightly. I followed-up the next day asking if she was bothered by my having asked her out. This was admittedly a somewhat weak move as my primary intention was to gauge her interest but also to let her know I was fine with just being friends. She responded saying that she had been dealing with a lot of stuff and also said that she wasn't comfortable dating anyone she has a musical relationship with. Fine. A gentle rejection. More importantly clarity. She had two more lessons after that. Normal. No discussion of anything other than music. The next week? Done. No call. No text. Just done after two years. She came into the store as I was leaving it. No eye contact. No "hey". Just two strangers. So obviously I made her uncomfortable. I don't know what the last straw was. Nor do I know if I crossed a line by either asking her out that second time or following up with the final text. I didn't go anything untoward when we went out (if anything I was too gentlemanly). And so it seems odd that she would ghost me after two years of acquaintance/friendship. Either she had no idea a single guy asking a single woman out on NYE implies interest OR I did something somewhere along the way to trigger this. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
TheWoman Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 She is still living with her husband. Perhaps they are separated or perhaps it is not that simple. Either way she is not actually available, she is still married and living in the same house as her husband. Friendly is as close as you should be getting to that situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Maybe she and her husband are working on their marriage. Or, perhaps they were never quite as separated as she made it sound and he got wind someone asking out his wife. She could have landed herself in some hot water and is therefore distancing herself from you. Either way, don't assume it's becasue you did something wrong. She is married, bottom line. Whatever the circumstances, she still legally has a husband and is living with him. That is not a situation you want to get entangled in. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 I don't think you went too far... Rather, she is not done with her marriage. She is not available or ready to date. That's the simple truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 I don't really think you committed any cardinal sin in your actions. You guys had your wires crossed. She was thinking it was just casual invitation and you were thinking romance. She wasn't interested. Don't worry about it. You did okay. There will be someone else. Put her behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Dude you didn't go too far, you found her attractive so you gave it a shot. That's what dating is all about....taking risks. Things went outside of your professional relationship, so I don't blame you for trying. You did nothing wrong. Hats off to you for having the confidence to ask her out. If it got weird that's her problem, not yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheTraveler Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Il go the opposite of what everyone is saying. You had multiple chances to make a move and you blew it. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 This is why I stayed away from women who were separated but not divorced when I was dating, even if they were living separately from their soon-to-be exes. There was always the potential for too much baggage which I try to avoid at all costs. They may be be be completely emotionally detached from their exes but I found there was still drama, more often than not. To me, it sounds like she was interested in you romantically but she either a)realized she wasn't ready to date again or b)decided to work it out with her husband. Either way, you dodged a bullet. Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 (edited) Il go the opposite of what everyone is saying. You had multiple chances to make a move and you blew it. That's what I thought too. I think she was probably looking for some physical affection when she got all dolled up to go out, and he didn't make ANY moves. She probably got bored pretty fast. If the OP wasn't sure he should have tested the waters first, holding hands or light touches. But IMO if a girl goes to the trouble of all that makeup and dressing up, I would consider it a date. I'm guessing the same chain of events transpired on the follow up date suggested by her. She was giving him another chance and he blew it. Edited February 5, 2017 by barcode88 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Sounds like her separation from her husband was an "in house" one. When she told you that they had "agreed" to not bring anyone around that they liked, she was feeding you a line of crap. If I had a dime for every time some spouse claimed to be in an "in house" separation " when in fact the other spouse had no idea any of this was occurring I'd be as rich as Howard Hughes. People use a lot of excuses about not being financially able to physically separate from their spouse for whatever reason. The fact that she was still paying for music lessons while not financially solvent enough to seek different residence and going out and spending money on leisure time activities indicate she was full of crap. Most women who are intent on separating and divorcing do everything they possibly can to gather the monetary funds necessary to make a break form their husband if in fact they are headed towards divorce. and they do it as soon as they possibly can and not pussyfoot around about it. The second she went into the banter about the mutual agreement of not bringing anyone around that they liked, your Bullschnitt detector should have been redlining. The whole line of not bringing another person around that they like is loosely translated into: I am not letting my husband know I am in the throes of an emotional affair with the guy who gives me music lessons, so why would i tempt fate by inviting him back to my place when I am still married and my husband is none the wiser thus far? Come on OP. It does not take a rocket science to see that she used every bullet point in the cheaters handbook with you. You were unwittingly having an affair with a marred woman. She got what she wanted out of you and either moved onto somebody new, decided to work on things with her husband, or as I would suspect, a combination of both. When you spilled the beans as to how you felt, she retreated and went dark because you were not following the script. So don't feel bad, you saved yourself a world of drama with this one. She played you and you no longer were serving a purpose so she moved onto the next one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 I would agree with you guys if she was single, BUT it's a different deal with someone who is going through a divorce. She used the evening as an escape from her divorce problems. Dressing up and going out was a boost for her, and having attention. She pulled back when it got serious and she realized she was sending out signals that were not intended for something romantic. Women can be emotionally vulnerable when going through a separation. Receiving attention can make them selfish and unaware. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 I don't think you went too far, however I do think she was looking to get naked with you and you didn't press her, then something else changed in her life.. either she thought better of it or she is making a go of trying again in her marriage... Either way.. till she has been divorced for a while she will be a mess to date, when I went thru my divorce and started to date again I heard time and time again that I was undatable till a year passed... I used to think WTF.. till I looked back at that time and realize I was undatable for a while after the divorce... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 I don't think she was looking to get naked at all. He did nothing bad enough that would have stopped her if that's all she wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 I don't think she was looking to get naked at all. He did nothing bad enough that would have stopped her if that's all she wanted. If she was a guy, then yes sex would be on the table.....in the kitchen? lol Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 We can all speculate what she might of been thinking/feeling, but the bottom line and only thing that matters is that she was/is not available to date right now. She might be able to have a hookup with someone (if in a vulnerable state) she is not close with (no strings attached), but that would probably be it since she is still technically married and possibly working on things. You should not contact her again and let her contact you if she wants. You sound like you could not possibly just be her friend any more because you are attracted to her. She wont just have sex with you because she can probably sense an attachment from you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Usually "in house" separations are separations where a couple is still trying to work on their marriage. They are often still sleeping together too. During that time, what usually happens, is they put the feelers out as to whom else may be interested. They would often casually cultivate the new interest(s) while trying to work things out (given that lets face it, even talk of a separation means that marriage is on the rocks and they are looking for plan B). They are put off by any serious interest/involvement though. Even out of house separations are drama central and I would stay well away from them in the future (stupidly involved in such a situation right now). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Scorpio Posted February 8, 2017 Author Share Posted February 8, 2017 I'm guessing the same chain of events transpired on the follow up date suggested by her. She was giving him another chance and he blew it. Eh. That "date" consisted me of talking to her for all of fives minutes before she sent off to talk to other friends and then play on stage. In context it seemed much more a friends hanging out. As for NYE? It is possible I could have blown it though I didn't view a concert as a great place to engage in anything physical. Live and learn I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Scorpio Posted February 8, 2017 Author Share Posted February 8, 2017 I would agree with you guys if she was single, BUT it's a different deal with someone who is going through a divorce. She used the evening as an escape from her divorce problems. Dressing up and going out was a boost for her, and having attention. The way that she termed it was that she is always looking for a reason to get out of the city. I had mentioned that I was glad she came and a little surprised given that I asked her a mere two days before NYE. I figured that was a window for her to say something along the lines of "well I like hanging out with you.." or "I enjoy your company". No. She termed it as "well I wanted to get out of the city and try something new." Moreover, she is a very extroverted person and there was zero flirtatious behavior on her part. No glances. No touches. No compliments. If she wanted me to make a move I would have needed a mind reading device. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 My guess is she felt your professional relationship would carry on outside of music lessons, and the fact you were accepting (while she was married) to socialize with her and her friends. Later now divorced, she was thinking things were still platonic between you. You were thinking date, she was thinking you were just being nice. women can be so oblivious lol. Just my advice: if you have a romantic interest, don't be their buddy or act like their buddy to work your way in there later or they will misinterpret your intentions. But you can't blame a guy for trying, am I right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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