EX GF initiates contact after 1 month silence.

[im_derek2]

Hello..

Here is a description of my original breakup...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/609586-holiday-breakup

 

Anyways--We broke up in November and I spent much of December being very respectful of her space, but firmly communicating to her that I wanted to work on the relationship. During this time I was also very emotional--definitely a new experience for me.

 

She listened to all of my promises and reasoning but was unmoved. A mutual friend told me that she went on a Christmas trip with a new guy and also spent New Year's with him.

 

It was a relief that I had truly given it my best effort, that I didn't let the relationship die quietly, but I realized that NC was my only option. On January 1, I wished her a Happy New Year, deleted my facebook account, and began NC.

 

On Feb 1, at 3am, she began messaging me. For the last 5 days we have been exchanging limited messages.

 

I am:

-never initiating conversation

-keeping conversation brief and always positive

-not replying immediately

-not telling her everything

-always ending conversation

-not talking about the relationship/reconciliation

 

I know I am breaking NC, but I am adhering to some principles. I do want her back, and I understand that she broke up with me for good reasons; I want an opportunity to prove that I've changed.

Corey Wayne asserts that the best strategy is to walk away and never look back. I agree with this logic. However, knowing my ex, she is unlikely to ever be that assertive. I know reconciliation is on her terms, but I don't think she has the personality to pull the trigger. I think she may provide me hints that I should pursue her.

 

I am not going to settle for friendship, but will use the conversations I have with her to assess the situation, I guess.This is a tough spot for me. I am risking hurting myself again. But if I disappear I'll always wonder "what if"

 

Thank you for any insight.

[Sweetfish]

Hello..

Here is a description of my original breakup...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/609586-holiday-breakup

 

Anyways--We broke up in November and I spent much of December being very respectful of her space, but firmly communicating to her that I wanted to work on the relationship. During this time I was also very emotional--definitely a new experience for me.

 

She listened to all of my promises and reasoning but was unmoved. A mutual friend told me that she went on a Christmas trip with a new guy and also spent New Year's with him.

 

It was a relief that I had truly given it my best effort, that I didn't let the relationship die quietly, but I realized that NC was my only option. On January 1, I wished her a Happy New Year, deleted my facebook account, and began NC.

 

On Feb 1, at 3am, she began messaging me. For the last 5 days we have been exchanging limited messages.

 

I am:

-never initiating conversation

-keeping conversation brief and always positive

-not replying immediately

-not telling her everything

-always ending conversation

-not talking about the relationship/reconciliation

 

I know I am breaking NC, but I am adhering to some principles. I do want her back, and I understand that she broke up with me for good reasons; I want an opportunity to prove that I've changed.

Corey Wayne asserts that the best strategy is to walk away and never look back. I agree with this logic. However, knowing my ex, she is unlikely to ever be that assertive. I know reconciliation is on her terms, but I don't think she has the personality to pull the trigger. I think she may provide me hints that I should pursue her.

 

I am not going to settle for friendship, but will use the conversations I have with her to assess the situation, I guess.This is a tough spot for me. I am risking hurting myself again. But if I disappear I'll always wonder "what if"

 

Thank you for any insight.

 

 

You want to improve your self and you changed...

 

But she is a perfect snowflake right with zero problems.

[salparadise]

Well, I don't know that anyone can give you a definitive answer, but if you talked to her quite a bit and the notion of reconciliation hasn't been floated by either of you... then what the heck have you been talking about? The weather?

 

If I were you, I'd be inclined to ask, "why are we talking, and what do you want with me?" If she says, Oh I just wan to be friends then tell her that's not going to work for you. Then ask directly if she wants to discuss reconciliation. If she denies being interested then tell her, "in that case I need to go back to no contact, and I'll be moving on with my life." And mean it.

 

What you can't do is allow her to hold you hostage emotionally. It's possible that if the above scenario happened and you go NC while at the same time leaving the door open, she might call back and say she's ready. You will have still held firm and not been a doormat, but while leaving the door open.

 

Don't get into an ambiguous situation where you're sort of pursuing and she's sort of holding you at arm's length. That would suck bad. Let her know it's either on or off –– no halfway crap. It sounds like she wants to get back but doesn't want to be the first to bring it up. ^^ This will get the topic on the table at least.

Edited February 5, 2017 by salparadise

[Marc878]

Quit being a puppet on her string. Go your own way. You'll never develope into who you need to be by hanging onto this.

[Simple Logic]

Hello..

Here is a description of my original breakup...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/609586-holiday-breakup

 

Anyways--We broke up in November and I spent much of December being very respectful of her space, but firmly communicating to her that I wanted to work on the relationship. During this time I was also very emotional--definitely a new experience for me.

 

She listened to all of my promises and reasoning but was unmoved. A mutual friend told me that she went on a Christmas trip with a new guy and also spent New Year's with him.

 

It was a relief that I had truly given it my best effort, that I didn't let the relationship die quietly, but I realized that NC was my only option. On January 1, I wished her a Happy New Year, deleted my facebook account, and began NC.

 

On Feb 1, at 3am, she began messaging me. For the last 5 days we have been exchanging limited messages.

 

I am:

-never initiating conversation

-keeping conversation brief and always positive

-not replying immediately

-not telling her everything

-always ending conversation

-not talking about the relationship/reconciliation

 

I know I am breaking NC, but I am adhering to some principles. I do want her back, and I understand that she broke up with me for good reasons; I want an opportunity to prove that I've changed.

Corey Wayne asserts that the best strategy is to walk away and never look back. I agree with this logic. However, knowing my ex, she is unlikely to ever be that assertive. I know reconciliation is on her terms, but I don't think she has the personality to pull the trigger. I think she may provide me hints that I should pursue her.

 

I am not going to settle for friendship, but will use the conversations I have with her to assess the situation, I guess.This is a tough spot for me. I am risking hurting myself again. But if I disappear I'll always wonder "what if"

 

Thank you for any insight.

 

Why don't you ask her "why are you contactng me?" She either wants to get back together or she doesn't.

[im_derek2]

We have only exchanged 10 messages or so in the last few days.

I mentioned I started Crossfit and got a promising full time job offer. My masters will be complete in June.

These are changes I have made in my life not for her, but for me.

 

I am fully aware that she hasn't addressed her issues. And like me, she isn't perfect either.

 

I actually did ask her why she started messaging me.

 

This was her response: "I don't know...last time we talked you were still in a really difficult place. It's still important to me to know how you're doing, which is hopefully well. Don't think it really matters much in the scheme of things why, if it is not something I should do or you want then I'll stop."

[Marc878]

Awwww, she wants to be your friend. What do you want?

 

Look man she was out playing the field during the holidays and you need to do the same. You need to see others. Like she is.

[im_derek2]

Awwww, she wants to be your friend. What do you want?

 

Look man she was out playing the field during the holidays and you need to do the same. You need to see others. Like she is.

 

You're right, objectively it is very clear that she wants to be friends now.

 

I am disciplined enough not to fall for that trap. However, I am also convinced that she would be the type of girl never to come out and say she wants me back. This is where I am confused.

 

I guess I can take some comfort that she knows that my future looks promising. She has no access into my life: no mutual friends, no social network, etc. If it weren't for these messages she would have no way of knowing which direction my life was heading.

 

What's my next move if she reaches out to me again?

Edited February 5, 2017 by im_derek2

[salparadise]

You're right, objectively it is very clear that she wants to be friends now.

 

Maybe, you said in an earlier post that she might be wanting you to pursue her again. And you said just now that she wouldn't be able to say so if she wanted to reconcile. So I wouldn't jump to either conclusion.

 

What's my next move if she reaches out to me again?

 

Well, do you want her back or not? Marc878 thinks you should turn the page on this one. I don't see it in such B&W terms. If you're serious and REALLY want her back... as in her personally and not just a warm body to sleep with, then you're going to have to make some kind of move and quit sitting on the fence. You're choice.

 

Here's the thing... you're going to have to risk that precious pride if you want to try and get back with her. But it takes a bigger person to take that risk than it does to slam the door to protect it. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride to get what you want, and that's perfectly okay.

 

How do you feel? Is it worth swallowing your pride for a chance, or is it not? If not, then turn that page and move on. If so, then you know what you have to do––take the lead and ask her out. You don't have to say you're getting back together, just ask her out so you can connect again, and then shift to the long game. At some point you may need to come right out and say that you're not interested in pussy-footing around anymore. It's either on or off.

 

Don't let her play mind game and hold you in limbo. Press for what you want if it's worth it, and if not go NC and move on. If you give it a try and she insists on playing games, you still have the other option available.

[isolatedgothic]

I get the feeling she is throwing you what they refer to as "bread crumbs." She is seeing if you can boost her ego, because whatever happened with her and the other guy didn't work out, and now she needs something to fill the space left in her heart.

 

If she wanted to reconcile, she would say so in a direct way and you would not have any question about it. It seems as though she is using you as a place holder till the next one comes along.

 

Ask her what she wants. If her answer is not, "I made a horrible mistake, I hurt you and I am so sorry, and I want you back," then you can assume you are being strung along and your heart is on its way to being hurt all over again.

[im_derek2]

 

Here's the thing... you're going to have to risk that precious pride if you want to try and get back with her. But it takes a bigger person to take that risk than it does to slam the door to protect it. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride to get what you want, and that's perfectly okay.

 

How do you feel? Is it worth swallowing your pride for a chance, or is it not? If not, then turn that page and move on. If so, then you know what you have to do––take the lead and ask her out. You don't have to say you're getting back together, just ask her out so you can connect again, and then shift to the long game. At some point you may need to come right out and say that you're not interested in pussy-footing around anymore. It's either on or off.

 

Thank you. You articulated this very well. This is how I feel about life in general---if you want it you have to go after it. To me strong men can walk away, but stronger men can return. To me, the pain would be worth the result.

 

I will play it by ear. If I don't hear from her again, I can guess she felt guilty about hurting me, and me doing well in life "excuses" her action.

If she keeps reaching out it is on me to wait for the right moment and plan the right meeting.

[jamili]

Keep us updated on what happens, I'm curious about this one.

[Sweetfish]

"I don't know...last time we talked you were still in a really difficult place. It's still important to me to know how you're doing, which is hopefully well. Don't think it really matters much in the scheme of things why, if it is not something I should do or you want then I'll stop."

 

 

This statement clearly shows why you should continue NC. This irrational and hot and cold thinking will pull you into an abyss of more pain.

[Sweetfish]

Thank you. You articulated this very well. This is how I feel about life in general---if you want it you have to go after it. To me strong men can walk away, but stronger men can return. To me, the pain would be worth the result.

 

I wish member bluespower can see this statement so he can tell you about returning to the plantation.

 

The strongest man knows when to cut his ties completely at the expense of pain.

 

But if you do want to learn a lesson... I guess this is the pain you must go thru.

[im_derek2]

Thanks everyone for your help.

I appreciate it as I have trouble thinking clearly at the moment.

 

Yes, she dumped me, but she had reason to, as I was depressed and not fun to be around. I can't resent her for her actions.

[im_derek2]

So here is an update...

 

 

Brief background

-My ex broke up with me November 19.

-Throughout December we communicated with mixed results.

-On Christmas she said she appreciated my sincere effort to work on the relationship but wasn't interested.

-On January 1, I began NC

 

 

Recent events

-she started reaching out on February 1 at 3am.

-We exchanged about 15 text messages over the next 5 days.

-on Monday at 9pm she texts me and asks if "i'd still be there for her?"

-I didn't know what this meant so I replied, albeit hesitantly

-we agreed to meetup at a local bar at 10pm

 

 

The meetup Monday 2/6

-she apologized profusely for asking me to come

-she kept asking if I was "ok" or if seeing her "was too much"

-she then cried and said her life is falling apart: she is losing control at work, and her family in our city doesn't have time for her

-with the "heavy" subject matter, I couldn't really orient the conversation toward a happy topic, so we talked about life and naturally our relationship came up.

- I relayed to her some of the changes I've made in my life the last two months. I mentioned I am seeing a therapist, and that I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about her.

-I gave her some advice about men in general--advice that would've saved our relationship. I was caring, but my tone was indifferent; I never mentioned a reconciliation between us. This was advice that would help her in any future relationship with a man.

-She admitted that she has always avoided confrontation in life and she wished she could change. (what was particularly frustrating in our relationship was she never communicated her needs to me. Well she did, and then promptly left me)

-She said she should've been more supportive of me

-She said she compared me to her previous ex, and didn't give me a fair chance. She had dated him 5 years before me.

-I held her hand and tried to kiss her when she left--she did not let me kiss her. I held hands with her because during our relationship I wasn't affectionate enough with her and I wanted to demonstrate a change in me.

-She said she would like to see me again in a different setting.

-We drank at the bar until 1am and then parted ways.

-The whole evening I let her talk, and while I was supportive I made a conscious effort not to be her friend.

 

 

Thoughts after:

-I have no idea what happened. Was this a reconciliation? A coaching session? An attempt for her to befriend me?

-In a way I had to go meet her, just to see.

-In 2 months the tables have turned. This is a woman that did not give a **** about me a month ago. I am functioning in life right now, I am not happy, but I am certainly coping. Based on our conversation she is neither happy nor is she coping.

-Since Monday she sent me one text message thanking me for meeting up with her, and apologizing if this set back my recovery. (This language suggests it was a coaching session). There was no question, so I did not reply.

-Since November I have been improving my life, and I think she has just compartmentalized her problems.

-I know she dated another guy within 3 weeks of leaving me, and now he is no longer in her life.

-I want to stress that I know it will not work between us unless she works on herself and I continue to work on myself.

-I do think that acknowledging that she contributed to the breakup is a step in the right direction for her. I do recognize that it does not mean she wants to work on it. That's a whole other step.

 

 

 

 

Well back to NC for me. Working on myself everyday. Yes this was a setback (so far) but it will only make me stronger.

 

 

I hope this helps someone in a similar situation to me.

[Sweetfish]

Thoughts after:

-I have no idea what happened.

 

 

I think I do.

 

She finally got the guilt off her shoulders and you going in for the kiss confirms to her you will not be moving forward and she doesn't feel it.

 

You confused her apology with attraction

[jamili]

-she apologized profusely for asking me to come

-she kept asking if I was "ok" or if seeing her "was too much"

-she then cried and said her life is falling apart: she is losing control at work, and her family in our city doesn't have time for her

 

 

- I relayed to her some of the changes I've made in my life the last two months. I mentioned I am seeing a therapist, and that I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about her.

 

-I gave her some advice about men in general--advice that would've saved our relationship. I was caring, but my tone was indifferent; I never mentioned a reconciliation between us. This was advice that would help her in any future relationship with a man.

 

-I held her hand and tried to kiss her when she left--she did not let me kiss her. I held hands with her because during our relationship I wasn't affectionate enough with her and I wanted to demonstrate a change in me.

-She said she would like to see me again in a different setting.

 

 

 

Ok man, I'll tell you exactly what I think happened here.

 

1. You have become her emotional "shoulder to cry on", without any of the other benefits of having a girlfriend. She's using you for emotional support while moving on, while no longer seeing you in a sexual context.

 

2. She's friendzoning you hard (see 1).

 

3. Using you for advice about men? *Cringe* Dear God man. Have some self respect. I don't mean this offensively.

 

4. She rejected you romantically, again.

 

 

So, in summation, you have become her Doormat. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying this to help you out. GTFO of there man. What you should have done is laid it down right after the breakup - you are walking away, done with her. If she doesn't want you romantically, you aren't waiting around. And walk. Never look back.

 

When she contacted you one month later, you should have stayed NC and let her sweat it. Instead you agreed to met up as friends, showing you aren't good enough for her. Further, you were emotional support sponge, giving all that caring boyfriend nice guy warmth, and then giving her advice about dating other men. It's just... emasculating and she is disrespecting you IMO by doing this. Likely lost even more attraction to you after this meeting... I'm sorry to say this, and I really hope I'm wrong, but that's what it looks like to me. The act of preventing you from kissing her.. ugh, man, a blow right to the balls.

 

Cut contact ASAP. Please STOP being her doormat. Walk away. You are going to turn into her Beta orbiter. NC Forever, until and IF she someday realizes what she lost and expressly asks for you back. Otherwise, I'd advise ignoring everything and anything from her from now on. Disappear.

[im_derek2]

Well that's tough to hear.

 

 

But thanks for it.

 

 

I do feel like I maintained my distance--that I wasn't being a friend to her, but maybe I was.

 

 

I don't have anything left to tell her, and I will not be just a friend, that's for sure.

 

 

I guess she did manipulate me.

[jamili]

Well that's tough to hear.

 

 

But thanks for it.

 

 

I do feel like I maintained my distance--that I wasn't being a friend to her, but maybe I was.

 

 

I don't have anything left to tell her, and I will not be just a friend, that's for sure.

 

 

I guess she did manipulate me.

 

I dont think she did it consciously. I dont think there was malicious intent. Its just biology. She dumped you because she was no longer attracted to you and found you to be a lower value man. She was subconsiously testing you by contacting you and seeing if you would meet up, which you did. Subconsiously validated her reason for breaking up with you i.e. that you arent a dominant male. The fact that you sat there and let her vent and ask advice about dating other guys was passive of you and not masculine, her subconsious again receives validation. What you did is what her girlfriends would do. In all likelihood she really likes you as a person but you are no longer making her feel tingly inside.. your passive submissive behavior confirms this during the meetup.

 

What you have to do is walk away. Your attitude must be: "this girl blew it with a great man. Im not meeting up with this chick for **** unless she's begging for me back. I cam go out tomorrow and find 20 women 10x better than this one so why waste my time." And let her chase you. Ignore her calls, ignore her texts, actually move on and show her you dont need her. She either gets all of you or none of you, you aren't willing to be her emotional support if she isnt commiting to you or sleeping with you. A confident, dominant male would do this, and she knows this subconsiously. Its very likely why she lost feelings in the first place.

 

Im sorry man. You need more confidence. Dont meet up with her unless shes asking for you back, and make her work for it. People only value what they dont have or what is scarce. You are better than this, you can find a woman easily who will appreciate your value, and you won't waste time with one who doesnt value you - that's the attitude you need to adopt.

[im_derek2]

The fact that you sat there and let her vent and ask advice about dating other guys was passive of you and not masculine, her subconsious again receives validation. What you did is what her girlfriends would do. In all likelihood she really likes you as a person but you are no longer making her feel tingly inside.. your passive submissive behavior confirms this during the meetup.

 

 

 

I agree with what you're saying BUT she did not ask for advice on dating other men.

 

 

I brought it up. I brought it up to show that I don't care whether she uses this advice on me or the next guy. I wanted to show her how I have really been working on myself--I am now capable of this high-level thinking.

I deliberately made some comments like, "because we won't be seeing each other again, it's important you should know some successful strategies to help you in the future.."

 

 

 

I deliberately did that to be indifferent, to be confident, to show that I could walk away.

 

 

She asked for advice on how to fix her life. I used to opportunity to tell her that many of the problems that she is experiencing now (with her cousins and boss) occurred in our relationship.

 

 

I used to the opportunity to turn the discussion from her problems to our problems.

Edited February 11, 2017 by im_derek2
Clarification

[jamili]

I agree with what you're saying BUT she did not ask for advice on dating other men.

 

 

I brought it up. I brought it up to show that I don't care whether she uses this advice on me or the next guy.

 

 

 

I deliberately did that to be indifferent, to be confident, to show that I could walk away.

 

 

She asked for advice on how to fix her life. I used to opportunity to tell her that many of the problems that she is experiencing now (with her cousins and boss) occurred in our relationship.

 

 

I used to the opportunity to turn the discussion from her problems to our problems.

 

Hmm, ok. Well, I mean the thing about women is when you deliberately try to act confident, indifferent, etc. , they can see right through it. You actually have to be confident, moved on, and independent for that to work. Don't beat yourself up over it - it was only 1 month of NC - this is why you can't even try to reconcile until many, many more months or even years. You actually have to move on for it to work. Pretending that you have moved on won't cut it. And she has to move on too. You guys have to grow as people. The only thing you can do is remove yourself from the picture completely, and not wait for her. IF she someday comes back and tells you she wants to try again, that's one thing. But until then you have to let go and completely move on, whilst bettering yourself constantly.

 

It's not like you blew any reconciliations forever. Count your blessings, reconciliations after only 1 months basically never work. You need to give it way more time. Reset your NC timer, and from now on you are a ghost. Don't reach out to her, just keep moving on with your life. She'll likely contact you again in the future, I almost guarantee she will- ignore it. She seriously needs to feel your loss. Right now, she has you in her life (she thinks) and she can also go and hook up with other guys and date other guys while she has you on a string, and then cut that string when she doesn't need you anymore. Again, she's not doing this to be malicious, it's like a biological behavior to find mates.

 

But when you disappear, she'll be thinking... "hmm what ever happened to Derek2.. he used to be there for me, and I liked his company and the emotional connection we had." and she'll reach out to you.. silence. "Did he move on? Did he find another woman?? Was I not good enough for him??? I don't get it, I dumped him, he should be pining over me still!". And then she will begin to doubt herself and question her decision for leaving you in the first place. But you have to be a total GHOST during this time. She has to understand, and deeply internalize the fact that you are GONE from her life FOREVER i.e. she will NEVER EVER again talk to you for the rest of her existence, unless she acts ASAP. If she still has any feelings for you at that time, and if you really meant anything to her, she might try - and that would involve her pursuing YOU.

 

^That might never happen, she might just move on. But either way, you maintain yourself respect and you aren't on her string or being her doormat any longer - you are moving on and taking care of yourself! And you value yourself enough to know you aren't going to hang around while this girl figures out what she wants - you are moving forward.

 

Also keep in mind generally Dumpers don't even begin to start to miss the Dumpee for a long time after the breakup. Many months later... maybe 6+ months until she starts forgetting the bad stuff and remembering the good times. And this is the time you definitely want to be out of the picture completely.. because she will be thinking about you in a good light, and you will be GONE, and it hit her, one way or the other, and she will think about making a decision.

[dumbass2]

Wow, I'm sorry, but some of that stuff was cringe worthy. You showed her that you can be a good friend to her. Sorry, that's all she wants and you did nothing to make her want to get back with you romantically. She shot you down on a simple kiss. You say you tried to be indifferent (an act) and it didn't work because you are not indifferent at all and she can sense that. Hey, you tried and were shot down. We all make mistakes when we get dumped. Just get on solid NC and move on because I can see no hope in this one.

[im_derek2]

Thank you very much for your advice.

[Been]

Man come on. 3weeks she was already dating????And she went somewhere with this new man on New Years Eve?

You didn't hear from her at all when everything was going great and then all the sudden she wants to meet up?Funny how its after her fling went down in flames.

And then lays all her problems on you. NEWSFLASH. She doesn't get to do that anymore-your not her boyfriend. Or her friend.

Love how she said she should have been more supportive. That was your opening to say why weren't you then? I'll answer it for you-because she didn't CARE enough to.

Go NC. Don't let someone walk all over you.