Whats the real problem finding Love

[Mysterio]

Hi Everyone. I hope that 2017 is going your way.

 

What do you all think is the real problem with people getting together for real love.

 

No Hook up and and One Night stands. If you were to asses in a few sentences. What springs to mind. Is it Physical looks/Lifestyle or Personality.

 

For me as a man. Its not Physical looks/Lifestyle. I think its personality. I think too many of us are trying to force people to be a certain way, instead of looking at them at the way they really are. Life is actually magical. I think we come here thinking that if we do XYZ, we will get results. For some things its like that. For others its not.

 

I think social media and the world around us, tells it like if you don't have a love interest, able to have sex everyday and someone telling you half a dozen times a week they love you. In a, for the most part Male/Female relationship. Something is wrong with you and you are missing out.

 

Then we try to go out there, striving to have it and sometimes its to our detriment. I want the Romantic Love that is out there, but on my terms, where we care about each other beyond the romance and sex of it.

 

So again. In your mind whatever that may be. What do you think is the real problem in finding love.

[Lilyana76]

I think people are too picky...

 

I definitely lean towards the personality more than looks or lifestyle. If they can make me laugh, and hold a great conversation, I'm in.

 

One of my best friends recently stopped seeing a guy, because he had a messy car. (garbage on the floor and what not) ... I can see that as being annoying, but a deal breaker?

 

People have a idealistic view of "the one" and if someone doesn't meet that, they cut them out.

 

Maybe I'm more open minded than most, I would give most the chance, and go by their behavior and personality more than anything else.

[Mysterio]

Detailing it in no order.

 

Looks. I would want my woman to be well groomed. Light make up. Well put together. Not sloppy. Nice white teeth. If they are stained and crooked. She would get them taken care of. No chin hairs.

 

Personality. A woman that sees me and wants to love me up and baby me. She does not have to keep telling me that she loves me, but by her actions. She shows me like. Getting me tickets to my fave rock band. Planning evenings out for us.

 

Lots of physical affection. Nice and easy going. More Girl next door type. Like Betty from the Archie comics. Something like that. Or Renee Zelwegger's character from Jerry McGuire.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I think people are too picky...

 

I definitely lean towards the personality more than looks or lifestyle. If they can make me laugh, and hold a great conversation, I'm in.

 

One of my best friends recently stopped seeing a guy, because he had a messy car. (garbage on the floor and what not) ... I can see that as being annoying, but a deal breaker?

 

People have a idealistic view of "the one" and if someone doesn't meet that, they cut them out.

 

Maybe I'm more open minded than most, I would give most the chance, and go by their behavior and personality more than anything else.

 

Yeah, I have a female friend that has a messy car, too...not really food stuffs, but just storage boxes piled in the back and paperwork in the front. Her house isn't so bad. I mean, it doesn't qualify for vermin or anything.lol

 

And I thought my car was bad...here's had a lot more.

 

But yeah, dumping someone on that alone is quite silly. Then these very same people turn 40 and their friends and relatives are asking them, "So how come you're still single?"

 

"Yeah, I someone had a messy car, so I dumped them."

 

Really? I mean.....really?

[carhill]

What do you all think is the real problem with people getting together for real love.

 

The human brain is ever-changing and such change flies in the face of expectations of constancy.

[salparadise]

Aside from the superficiality of initial attraction and compatible personalities (you first have to find mutual desire), the larger problem is people protecting their hearts and egos... turning down opportunities for real love and connection to avoid the risk of becoming vulnerable. The ego part applies to both genders; holding out for some imaginary perfect person who makes THEM look good.

[central]

For me, it's overall compatibility. Personality type must mesh with mine. I used the Myers-Briggs types for initial screening - as an INTJ, my best matches (both theoretically and in actuality) were INFJ and INFP. Then, is there real physical attraction? I want to be madly attracted at first, even knowing that may fade somewhat in time.

 

However, that is just a starting place: beyond that, it's: do we share the same values and attitudes on important issues; do we have compatible life goals (family, career, living style, location); do we believe similarly enough to support each other, from religion to politics; do we have some shared interests that we can do together (travel, hobbies, sports, etc.); and are we very sexually compatible (similar levels of libido/frequency, range of desirable sexual activities, who initiates, any kinks or fetishes that may be an issue, etc.)?

[Mysterio]

I think as much as we hate to say it. Physical attraction and lust cuts through anything for awhile.

 

We really can't even project anything beyond 2 yrs. No one here dating can go, who will stay together and who will fall apart.

 

Everyone has different temperaments. No two ways about it. When I look at myself. In order for me to stay steady with a woman. She is going to have to be single. Love and Adore me. We lock into our passion of interesting conversations and laughs/physical affection. Thats our core centre. After that Music and working out. Everything else will be flowing with what works or does not work between us, with flexibility.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Hi Everyone. I hope that 2017 is going your way.

 

What do you all think is the real problem with people getting together for real love.

 

No Hook up and and One Night stands. If you were to asses in a few sentences. What springs to mind. Is it Physical looks/Lifestyle or Personality.

 

For me as a man. Its not Physical looks/Lifestyle. I think its personality. I think too many of us are trying to force people to be a certain way, instead of looking at them at the way they really are. Life is actually magical. I think we come here thinking that if we do XYZ, we will get results. For some things its like that. For others its not.

 

I think social media and the world around us, tells it like if you don't have a love interest, able to have sex everyday and someone telling you half a dozen times a week they love you. In a, for the most part Male/Female relationship. Something is wrong with you and you are missing out.

 

Then we try to go out there, striving to have it and sometimes its to our detriment. I want the Romantic Love that is out there, but on my terms, where we care about each other beyond the romance and sex of it.

 

So again. In your mind whatever that may be. What do you think is the real problem in finding love.

 

Probably looks.

 

I think that if all men in the world looked like Brad Pitt and all women looked like Angelina Jolie that people would get together based on personality and people would be happier ... theoretically.

[Mysterio]

When ever I hear people talk about their SO or dating. I never hear anything like. I wish they had blonde hair instead of Blonde or they are too short. Or they have acne or braces. Or they are bald or have greasy hair.

 

It comes down to a vibe and personality/lifestyle now that I think of it. My ex and I broke up over that I did not want to have kids right away. I felt that she was pushing that on me. We only went out for 5 months. We are still friends and see each other 3 times a year or so.

 

For me. The looks thing will fade in the sense that now your more locked into lifestyle and personality after awhile. I think our social environment tries too much to make it sound like we are missing out.

 

Realistically. Until we pass over to the other side. We will all go through a lot of people, as I have said before. all that Marriage and kids do will slow it down.

 

No 23 yr old Male/Female, straight or gay, who gets married and then gets widowed or divorced at age 30 or so. Will go romantic relationship-less until they pass away from natural causes in their 80's. No way is that going to happen. Maybe someone who is 75 may go the rest of their lives like that if they make it to 95.

 

Men always seem to me to be ready for Romantic relationships. Where women are a bit hesitant.

 

Seems like my parents/grand-parents were not picky. My Mother and Grandmother were both cheated on by Dad/Grandfather and produced a kid. Both couples never got divorced. It was due to more of a one night stand. Or my Mom/G-Mom reduced affection towards their husbands and they sought out another woman to meet their needs.

 

So if I had to time line everything in a think tank type of way. Your born, then from age 16 to 96 when you will most likley pass or so. You will have various romantic relationships with the opposite sex. Doubtful you will just have one. I say most people will go through 5 major people in your life, that you get to have deep meaningful relationship. 10 of them will be first dates and flings. So thats about 15 people either way. Due to those factors. Thats why I think that we are basically going through a lot of ups and down in dating and finding a steady love.

Edited February 6, 2017 by Mysterio

[normal person]

Biological urges compounded by lack of desirable partners.

 

Think about your perfect, ideal partner. The chances of you meeting that person and having them like you back just aren't likely. But most people would rather be with someone else who ticks some of the boxes rather than wait and search for the person who ticks all of them, and you can't blame them. Finding your perfect person is damn near impossible. Hopefully you don't resent the person you end up with when you realize they weren't perfect for you.

[ClaireAnne]

I believe that problem of finding true love lays in our personal insecurities. People tend to present themselves to others in some uniform ways, and the way to mutual love and admiration lays in showing the real you to others, including your different sides, fears, even weaknesses. You can like someone just because his/hers looks, flawless smile and self-confidence, but you start to be attached to people when you meet their passions and fears. Most of the time we are not ready to show that to other people, and that's why usually love doesn't happen.

 

I have recently read the article on the topic of how to make a guy fall in love with you, and it was actually a good one (you can check it out - How to Make A Guy Fall In Love With You...In 4 Phrases | Get The Guy) that says that we should show other people traits that are not commonly found in one person (e.g. show them that besides being independent, we sometimes do need help). That is a way to show others that we are the unique person, and that is a way to actually connect with someone.

Edited February 7, 2017 by ClaireAnne

[bebe23]

Biological urges compounded by lack of desirable partners.

 

Think about your perfect, ideal partner. The chances of you meeting that person and having them like you back just aren't likely. But most people would rather be with someone else who ticks some of the boxes rather than wait and search for the person who ticks all of them, and you can't blame them. Finding your perfect person is damn near impossible. Hopefully you don't resent the person you end up with when you realize they weren't perfect for you.

 

Exactly. I know the man I married probably ISN'T the perfect person for me. I don't know if I would have ever met 'the perfect person for me.'

 

Going back to Myers-Briggs personalities, I'm an INFP. I had my husband take the M/B quiz and he came out as an ESFJ, just one letter short of being the complete opposite, but maybe that's good because we compliment each other. Also, us INFP's are known for our idealism. We want the perfect, ideal fantasy, and absolutely nothing will ever satisfy us in this life.

 

Because I am this way, I've gone through a few years in a dark depression which centered around this:

 

What if I married the wrong man, and missed out on the perfect one for me who is 'out there' and I never got to meet?

 

I kept obsessing about this, and thinking- if I was 20 years younger than I am, and my husband and I were young and had met in 2011 instead of 1991 when Internet dating and Facebook were not existent, I wonder if I might have not stayed with him and cast a broader net, like all across America, where 'THE PERFECT ONE' would be. A single girl in her 20's can do that these days if she is willing to move and isn't tied down. She can meet someone online three states away, or even across an ocean, who reciprocates her feelings and ticks more of the boxes she'd really like.

 

I didn't have that chance, because 26 years ago we pretty much just dated in our own college and social circle, in a small community where options just weren't there. But I look back and so fondly remember when my husband and I were dating and getting to know each other. We used to hike in the woods and drive by the lakes and watch ducks and birds, just simple, romantic things.

 

I don't think I could recreate such a thing today, with online dating and social media. It makes me still believe that 'real life' and social circle are still the best ways to find love! I'm finally beginning to snap out of that uncertainty and the 'blaming my husband for his faults and not being perfect!' thing and realize that I could not have given that up. The struggles I have with my marriage CAN be fixed with a little help and our own strong religious faith.

Edited February 8, 2017 by bebe23

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Think about your perfect, ideal partner.

 

In a hypothetical sense, nobody's partner is close to ideal.

 

A more realistic exercise is to take all of the men/women that you've gotten to know fairly well over the last say 15 years. That's a good amount for most people. Coworkers, classmates, friends. Doesn't matter if they're taken. If someone in that boat is much better for you than your mate, then I'd strongly reconsider your mate.

 

I think most people will find that somebody who is willing to stomach them for the long periods of time they've dated, spent countless hours together, etc is a pretty rare thing.

[Newcitygirl]

My friends always say my expectations are up there. I don't think they are. After a series of bad relationships I knew specifically what I wanted.

 

My requirements:

 

1) Christian (or some other form of religion)

2) Personality

3) Good guy

4) Little to no baggage

[CptInsano]

My friends always say my expectations are up there. I don't think they are. After a series of bad relationships I knew specifically what I wanted.

 

My requirements:

 

1) Christian (or some other form of religion)

2) Personality

3) Good guy

4) Little to no baggage

 

Sorry, you ruled me out already.

[carnelian]

Lilyana,

I totally agree w/ you. I am not dating any more.

Let's face it though. If you and I had a choice of someone we enjoyed talking tovery much and being with who was average or below average looking and someone you thought is

handsome or very cute (and good figure) we would choose the latter. In the end, I think, looks "trump" personality and humor. (No reference to Donald

is intended!)

 

Before you can know the real person there, we first assess his/her appearance

and that's where the interest stops or goes forward.

[todreaminblue]

i feel the world has gotten scarier as far as dating goes......it used to be pretty cut and dried and pretty simple...its gotten too complex ..a bit dangerous actually......men are scared of getting cast as sexually abusive or sexual harrassment cases and women are scared of exactly that .....or some women are...i am one....the dynamics for dating have changed...and i am not sure its for the better.......at all..values old school ones ...like respect integrity and courtesy arent so high up ther ein attributes to be admired....i still do and i am sure alo tof peopel do ...but somehow.....us as peoples who do respect these attributes dont fit in anymore......just be yourself is considered bad advice for dating...if you can believe that...i think dating has become more about portraying soemthing you arent to fit the ideal of someone who isnt the one for you....like player philosophy or pick up artistry is respected more than honesty by some......deb

Edited February 13, 2017 by todreaminblue

[mightycpa]

It has always been my experience that love finds you, you don't find it.

 

Encountering love is relatively easy. Encountering love that lasts, that's the real trick.

[Ieris]

I think some couples spend more time battling with one another, rather than working together and winning as a team.

 

Having the last word, getting the upper hand is hardly winning when you have lost him/her.

[basil67]

These days, I think part of the problem is GIGS. Not "they left me after 2 years, must be GIGS", but GIGS in the way that when presented with too much choice, people have trouble making a decision.

 

The idea of multi dating even does my head in. So many posters seem so desperate to find a relationship, they won't even slow down enough to get to know one person at a time. How can a person really be given a chance when both parties are bouncing from one person to another.

 

I just think that modern dating is consumerism gone mad.

[SevenCity]

These days, I think part of the problem is GIGS. Not "they left me after 2 years, must be GIGS", but GIGS in the way that when presented with too much choice, people have trouble making a decision.

 

The idea of multi dating even does my head in. So many posters seem so desperate to find a relationship, they won't even slow down enough to get to know one person at a time. How can a person really be given a chance when both parties are bouncing from one person to another.

 

I just think that modern dating is consumerism gone mad.

 

I hate multi dating with a passion. But I multi date for a variety of reasons:

- women flake often

- their true colors don't come out for a few weeks

- the ratio of women I reach out to online has a very low response rate (this is the case for most guys)

- I've been in pleasant messaging conversations that end abruptly for no reason

- A lot of women online are just looking for attention with no intention to meet

- It allows me to not put too much faith into one woman

- they often don't look like their pictures

- first date chemistry is hard to find

 

It's a numbers game. It may be a product of online dating as it was not like this when I was younger

[SevenCity]

Lilyana,

I totally agree w/ you. I am not dating any more.

Let's face it though. If you and I had a choice of someone we enjoyed talking tovery much and being with who was average or below average looking and someone you thought is

handsome or very cute (and good figure) we would choose the latter. In the end, I think, looks "trump" personality and humor. (No reference to Donald

is intended!)

 

Before you can know the real person there, we first assess his/her appearance

and that's where the interest stops or goes forward.

 

As my feelings develop for a woman she gets more attractive in my eyes. My ex gf was by far not the best looking girl I've dated (before or since) but I've never loved someone as deeply.

 

Same holds true for good looks. The last girl I dated was at least a 9. After dating her for a month I was no longer attracted to her because of her crappy personality. Same with the girl before her. They both got ugly real quick.

 

I agree there has to be a level of attraction initially, but the looks for me are in direct relation to who she is as a person and how she treats me.

[BadFrequency]

Numbers.

 

I got 'online' in 1995, AOL

 

we had this little 'world' of just us locals who'd go in chat rooms.. sort of a revolving little social world. Quaint.

 

 

Then come post 9/11... the ads on tv, the advertisments, "go daddy", myspace, fb, now on CNN, now even the PRESIDENT uses it. OMG.

 

End of the world.

 

It's THAT. Numbers.

 

 

I said it in 1995, I'll say it in 2025...

 

It's Numbers.

 

Kills love.

 

 

Like traffic kills that 547hp engine... with twin turbo.

[ZA Dater]

Hi Everyone. I hope that 2017 is going your way.

 

What do you all think is the real problem with people getting together for real love.

 

No Hook up and and One Night stands. If you were to asses in a few sentences. What springs to mind. Is it Physical looks/Lifestyle or Personality.

 

For me as a man. Its not Physical looks/Lifestyle. I think its personality. I think too many of us are trying to force people to be a certain way, instead of looking at them at the way they really are. Life is actually magical. I think we come here thinking that if we do XYZ, we will get results. For some things its like that. For others its not.

 

I think social media and the world around us, tells it like if you don't have a love interest, able to have sex everyday and someone telling you half a dozen times a week they love you. In a, for the most part Male/Female relationship. Something is wrong with you and you are missing out.

 

Then we try to go out there, striving to have it and sometimes its to our detriment. I want the Romantic Love that is out there, but on my terms, where we care about each other beyond the romance and sex of it.

 

So again. In your mind whatever that may be. What do you think is the real problem in finding love.

 

I believe the problem is a "throw away society" where "oh someone else will come along or something better will come along".

 

All this has perpetuated is a cycle of rejection for people who don't conform to what society deems to be normal.

 

There seems to be little appreciation of people as people but rather a will to force conform everyone.

 

An ever more sexual society, the proliferation of this, be in it film or literature has put a premium on sexual performance over personality.

 

I also think if you land up inexperienced by a certain age you can kiss any chance of love goodbye.