Whats the real problem finding Love

[LookAtThisPOst]

Exactly. I know the man I married probably ISN'T the perfect person for me. I don't know if I would have ever met 'the perfect person for me.'<snip>

 

Funny that you mentioned this, I know of 2 women I met on dating sites that had been married to men they claimed they were NEVER attracted to in the first place.

 

One had a kid with one of their husbands, marriage lasted barely a few years and she's back online.

 

I guess they did it out of society's expectations and the one with the kid, chances are she did it to have a child in her life apparently, but who knows?

 

Somewhere they felt the pressure to get married to their high school sweet heart only because, everyone else was marrying their corresponding HS sweethearts.

 

I often wonder how unpleasant their honeymoons were?

Edited February 14, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[red.velvet]

For me it's personality, respect and loyalty.

 

I have to be attracted to the guy though. He doesn't need to be drop dead gorgeous, but I should see him and want todo some naughty things to him. Lol!

 

I'm however losing out a lot because I am not willing to hook up before I am in a committed relationship. I've told guys who are trying to sleep with me that I don't have sex unless I'm in a relationship, and for some reason, that has scared lots of guys away.

[SevenCity]

For me it's personality, respect and loyalty.

 

I have to be attracted to the guy though. He doesn't need to be drop dead gorgeous, but I should see him and want todo some naughty things to him. Lol!

 

I'm however losing out a lot because I am not willing to hook up before I am in a committed relationship. I've told guys who are trying to sleep with me that I don't have sex unless I'm in a relationship, and for some reason, that has scared lots of guys away.

 

Good for you. But it's probably better than them lying to you and getting into a RL just so they can get in your pants.

 

For me this is putting the cart before the horse though. I don't know if I want to be committed unless we've had sex. Test driving the car before I buy so to speak.

[Shining One]

I'm however losing out a lot because I am not willing to hook up before I am in a committed relationship. I've told guys who are trying to sleep with me that I don't have sex unless I'm in a relationship, and for some reason, that has scared lots of guys away.

I wouldn't assume it's scaring them off. It's likely they have a conflicting requirement. I usually won't agree to a committed relationship until after we've had sex. I've walked away from women who disagreed and it had nothing to do with fear on my part. However, I'm usually willing to compromise (sex and commitment at the same time).

[CptInsano]

Looking at my parents' generation I can see clearly how a long-term relationship and marriage had a sizeable economic component. The goal was to raise kids and move upward economically. While these goals are somewhat mundane, they are also tangible and achievable. Sure, romantic love was a part of the mix, but it was balanced against the goals of just getting through this life together.

 

Today I have the impression that a relationship is seen as a neverending source or sexual and romantic fulfillment, causing quite a bit of consternation when it turns out to be something else.

 

I think it is the search for perfection that makes it so hard for many people.

[WaitingForBardot]

I have a couple of ideas about this based on my friends and acquaintances, both women and men, that have been more or less chronically single.

 

First, they seem to have an inability to differentiate their wants from their needs. I personally want many things, many of which I will never get. A bummer for sure, but I can live without them. OTOH, my needs are relatively few. They must be satisfied, especially in a romantic relationship, but perhaps because they are few in number and relatively simple, I have never had a problem finding someone who satisfies them.

 

Second, they have this IMO bizarre inability to recognize that other people have the same natural right as they do to decide what they want/need in a relationship. I guess I'm lucky, or pragmatic, or apathetic, or ??, but when I don't click for someone I like I just think that sucks and move on, while these friends will pine endlessly over people and complain about the unfairness of society, the universe, etc, simply because that one person doesn't feel the same as they do.

[red.velvet]

I wouldn't assume it's scaring them off. It's likely they have a conflicting requirement. I usually won't agree to a committed relationship until after we've had sex. I've walked away from women who disagreed and it had nothing to do with fear on my part. However, I'm usually willing to compromise (sex and commitment at the same time).

 

Why? Why would you walk away if someone wants commitment before sex? It's not a marriage, so you can walk away if after they're your girlfriend and you have sex, you don't want them anymore.

[Shining One]

Why? Why would you walk away if someone wants commitment before sex? It's not a marriage, so you can walk away if after they're your girlfriend and you have sex, you don't want them anymore.

In this situation, commitment would mean I'm giving up my other options and I'm agreeing to celibacy until she decides otherwise. Even though we're committed, there is no guarantee that sex will ever happen. It also shows an unwillingness to compromise on her part, which does not bode well for the future. I've been burned by "commitment now, sex later (maybe)" women in the past, so I'm no longer accepting of that arrangement.

[ZA Dater]

Second, they have this IMO bizarre inability to recognize that other people have the same natural right as they do to decide what they want/need in a relationship. I guess I'm lucky, or pragmatic, or apathetic, or ??, but when I don't click for someone I like I just think that sucks and move on, while these friends will pine endlessly over people and complain about the unfairness of society, the universe, etc, simply because that one person doesn't feel the same as they do.

 

Agree totally but when that want/need is being defined by society and the media then do you not think there is something radically wrong?

 

Sure its good to move on PROVIDED you are someone who has at least had some success. What makes things hard is an ever increasing number of people who enjoy no success at all, for them there is a massive rabbit hole of alternatives such as

: paying

: hiring

: using other people for gratification

: dating severely down to feel superior

 

INHO the biggest and most pervasive problem is a sense of "that will do" alternated with blatant consumerism. Pick up ANY female magazine and you will find at least one article

 

: what your man should do in bed

: what he should look like

: how to get that hunk.

 

Rinse and repeat for men's magazines. My point here is sure we all like someone who looks good but has this been pushed too far, have the lines become blurred.

 

One thing that would interest me is trying to find common ground between those on this forum who absolutely battle, I genuinely think we all share something in common.

 

Its a tough world to date and I am starting to think the idea is far better than the actual reality.

[Weezy1973]

To voice an unpopular opinion...the truth is it's not hard to find love at all. Most adults are in relationships (around 80%). When you take out young adults that are focusing on their careers, and people that genuinely prefer being single, the percentage of people searching for love and unable to find it are few and far between.

 

It likely seems like a much larger number than it is because these people will commiserate on the internet.

 

And from what I've seen, the reasons these particular people can't find love is pretty individual, but often includes things like: social anxiety, being somewhere on the autism spectrum, childhood trauma of some sort, damaging prior relationships, mental disorders, personality disorders, fear of getting hurt etc.

 

Most people that want to find love, find love. There are reasons, some of which are listed above, why some people struggle.

[CptInsano]

To voice an unpopular opinion...the truth is it's not hard to find love at all. Most adults are in relationships (around 80%). [/Quote]

 

And that implies that they found love?

[WaitingForBardot]

And from what I've seen, the reasons these particular people can't find love is pretty individual,

Crudely paraphrasing Tolstoy: Coupled people are all alike; every single person is uncoupled in his/her own way.

[Weezy1973]

And that implies that they found love?

 

Sure, as far as we know. Using actual statistics and facts will paint a more accurate picture than random speculation based on internet musings.

 

They found love; doesn't mean it will last.

[Weezy1973]

Duplicate post..

[The_Dork_Lard]

My main problem, not just with lovers, but with most of my old mates too, is that I've had a lifelong preoccupation with curiosity and learning, and I suppose one could say truth searching. I've realised that my deepest, most sub-conscious agenda both in myself, and in relationships has always been existential, and much less practical or domestic, and not at all parental - I could probably be considered a genetic dead end partner-wise. I've no desire to pro-create, and so my energy goes into deep philosophical thinking (which will never put food on the table, I know). My ultimate goal in a relationship is to understand my partner at an extremely deep level, and visa versa, implying a mutual acceptance. The reason being, I've always felt deeply DEEPLY lonely since age 3. It never goes away, and I thought romantic partners would solve that. My logic is thus: to be understood fully is to be seen fully, and to be seen fully is to exist. I exist, so therefore I am, and somehow this ties in with acceptance and validation. Soul mate and all that. What's that I hear? That's the thunderous sound of roaring laughter coming from the observing universe.

 

Consequently, I've always pushed my introverted mind (even went back to uni aged 31) and evolved my understanding of the world, and of my world, especially my inner world. However, not one of my exes ever did, even a little. Every one of them remained stagnant regarding philosophical matters, current affairs, or politics. None of these things were important to them, which just was. I accept it. I never met a deep thinking, introverted girl. Well, one, but she was also a huge Jekyll and Hyde alcoholic self harmer, and, well, I don't have to say how that one ended.

 

So where I grew spiritually and philosophically, they never did, and I outgrew them all in a sense. They never understood me, nor desired to understand me other than in brush stroke adjectives: sexy, funny, intelligent - the usual. I never heard a really abstract and specific observation about me, and so never felt understood or seen. I know most of my exes ended up marrying and having children, whereas I've ended up in a completely isolated state, living alone in a bedsit wearing women's things, jerking off in a full length mirror screaming "YES" at the precise moment steam erupts from the chimney.

 

This is my real problem finding love. I think too deeply about it. For me love is the ultimate state of existence. The ultimate. The sad thing is, I feel incredible passion for so much in life, and am not one of those people who close themselves off to love through fear of pain. I'll take the pain as the inevitable cost of the pleasure (even though I end up posting here in dramatic overtones at times). It's worth it in my opinion. It's worth it. It's worth enduring for the experience of connectedness that precedes it. Once we learn that everything, even life itself has an expiry date, life becomes much more valuable and enjoyable.

 

So dating is very difficult for me because I have to work with all my willpower to keep it light hearted enough to be accepted. I can, but it's fake. The real me wants to discuss phenomena such as love, power, and passion, existence, meaning, and lack thereof. When somebody sits in front of me and tells me their favourite band is Mumford and Sons, wtf am I supposed to say to that? I was on a first date once, and some crappy Amy Whinehouse song came on, and she said "you're gonna dance to this in a minute". I was like "whoa, have you ever watched a Samuel Beckett play?". Needless to say, there was no second date.

 

So yeah, I find it hard, and this is why.

[CptInsano]

Sure, as far as we know. Using actual statistics and facts will paint a more accurate picture than random speculation based on internet musings.

 

Sorry, but you are referencing one thing and implying another. People are together for a number of reasons, love is just one of the possible motivations.

 

Finding love and being a couple are two different things.

Edited February 16, 2017 by CptInsano

[ZA Dater]

 

So dating is very difficult for me because I have to work with all my willpower to keep it light hearted enough to be accepted. I can, but it's fake. The real me wants to discuss phenomena such as love, power, and passion, existence, meaning, and lack thereof. When somebody sits in front of me and tells me their favourite band is Mumford and Sons, wtf am I supposed to say to that? I was on a first date once, and some crappy Amy Whinehouse song came on, and she said "you're gonna dance to this in a minute". I was like "whoa, have you ever watched a Samuel Beckett play?". Needless to say, there was no second date.

 

So yeah, I find it hard, and this is why.

 

I can relate to the above all too well. There are ways around that to some extent but as you say its comes across as false.

 

This insular society is created by the need to conform to some sort of standard.

[PrettyEmily77]

Not really sure there's any problem finding love - it's just we all assign a different meaning to this word.

 

I won't describe myself as being 'chronically single' but I am single now, happily so and I don't feel deprived of love. I have a close relationship with my family and good friends I've known for decades. I like my life the way it is now, and after surviving a particularly dysfunctional long-term relationship , I find it near impossible to trust a man enough to let him in fully into my life - I've tried, but the mental damage has not yet been fully repaired.

 

I don't think the type of man I would be truly suited to exists; at the same time, spending quite a while introspecting and getting to know myself better, I have also realised that I'm fine with it.

 

I could be proven wrong in the future, but I'm fine either way.

[PrettyEmily77]

These days, I think part of the problem is GIGS. Not "they left me after 2 years, must be GIGS", but GIGS in the way that when presented with too much choice, people have trouble making a decision.

 

The idea of multi dating even does my head in. So many posters seem so desperate to find a relationship, they won't even slow down enough to get to know one person at a time. How can a person really be given a chance when both parties are bouncing from one person to another.

 

I just think that modern dating is consumerism gone mad.

 

That, and blame-shifting, assigning a mental disorder to an ex without taking the time to recognise your own flaws or short-comings, having expectations about others you are not willing to meet yourself, lack of self-awareness and personal accountability.

 

Admitting to your own flaws is no sign of insecurity, but wanting to be in a relationship no matter what, without addressing them first, is not a good idea either in my opinion.

[Chilli]

started again.

 

l've noticed since l've been single that everything is internet and date sites and media and shopping lists and ridiculous expectations and dating dating dating dating.

But what's the point of dating dating dating dating when the one person you should be with will only be one in 1000s anyway.

Don;t people use their senses they were suppose to be born with anymore because when your standing across a room from that special somebody , you can feel everything you need to know in a second, and you can throw all that dating and all that bs out the window . You just like who you like when it comes to love, forget the others l reckon.

Edited February 16, 2017 by Chilli

[GunslingerRoland]

First, they seem to have an inability to differentiate their wants from their needs. I personally want many things, many of which I will never get. A bummer for sure, but I can live without them.

 

I think this is key. No one is perfect, yet people seem to be seeking perfection in a partner. Checklist dating, looking for the first opportunity to bail. No one said that making a life with another person would be easy, but a lot of people think that if every thing isn't easy and perfect it's not meant to be, that just isn't realistic. I'd say it's caused by hollywood movies, but even in the movies it doesn't come that easily for couples.

[Chilli]

Yeah on date sites they def' seem way way out there with expectations and shopping lists over rate themselves ridiculously.

 

 

How has everyone found dating sites ?

Do you think it's possible to meet the real thing like that?

 

l guess it is gonna happen once in a blue moon for a few lucky people but l wonder on average if people in general have much success.

Not talking just dates , but marriages.