Help me figure out this mess

[Tiredwife]

This is a long story. I began with my MM 2 years ago. It began with a working relationship, then friendship, flirtation, and a kiss. Fast forward from there. Here I am all this time later and I want out. I'm married as well. I've known logically that he would never leave his wife. He has even told me he loves her. I know this. But deep within me I have had a fantasy in my head of building a life with him.

 

He's several years older than me, very married, with grown children and grandchildren. He loves his family. I love my family, too. I believe he has also entertained the fantasy of being together, making statements about running away together and asking me to marry him. I've always played it off as a joke because I knew realistically it couldnt happen. But now the thoughts of ending it has torn my heart apart. I do love him, enjoy spending time with him and being with him physically.

 

Going no contact isn't possible. He is my boss and there is no way I can find another job with comparable pay, which I need to support my family. So my problems are two-fold - I have to let go of the foolish fantasy and figure out a way to end this peacefully while still working with him. He will be hurt. He will be angry. He tells everyone that I am his best friend and he tells me constantly that he doesn't ever want things to change. Why would he? He has a wife at home who caters to him and has me for everything else. How do I do this?

 

Do I slowly pull back from the relationship and let things die? Do I confront him about how I feel? I will see him daily at work but I can try to limit that to necessary interactions only. As far as my own heartbreak, I guess I just have to push through it. I love him dearly and believe that he loves me. But the cost is just too great for him and I've known that all along. I think I've just finally accepted it and realized how awful it is to always come second. I really need help.

Edited February 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and edit title

[AlwaysGrowing]

Humans have an easier time identifying when an unfair circumstance is being done to them (always coming in second), they have a much harder time identifying when they are being unfair to others (your own husband coming in second).

 

I often wonder how much less drama we would inflict on others if we put equal weight to how we are treating others instead.

 

If one is emotionally and mentally checked out of their primary relationship, how does one give commitment, loyalty and respect to that relationship?

 

If one is going through a crisis of self identity is it fair to their SO to be kept in the dark? Would we want to be the SO in the dark? If not, do we have a duty to our own sense of self respect/integrity to NOT be that person to another?

 

I have found that when we focus on our own short-comings (and make corrections), we are less likely to tolerate the short-comings of others that negatively effect our lives.

[Tiredwife]

I feel like I have failed everyone in my life, especially my husband. I'm just going through the motions. The fact that I could fall in love with another man - what does that say about my marriage?

[whichwayisup]

I feel like I have failed everyone in my life, especially my husband. I'm just going through the motions. The fact that I could fall in love with another man - what does that say about my marriage?

 

No, rephrase that, what does it say about you?

 

Don't blame your 'marriage' or husband here, you chose this, you let yourself fall for another man and you made the decision to cheat and betray your husband. If you were unhappy and felt your needs weren't being met, you could have chosen to speak to your husband and done marriage counseling together.

[aileD]

The loss in income is a small sacrifice to pay if you want to keep your marriage and family. That is If your husband will forgive you.

 

You have to be willing to walk away from the job. It's not possible to be friends or to have daily contact in any environment. Read all the stuff here, having any contact all, ever, is a set up for failure and/or extra long suffering.

 

You have to be willing to sacrifice. Bottom line.

 

Find something else first before you leave....but leave. Especially if you want any chance at saving your marriage

[AlwaysGrowing]

I feel like I have failed everyone in my life, especially my husband. I'm just going through the motions. The fact that I could fall in love with another man - what does that say about my marriage?

 

When we fail ourselves, everyone else is collateral damage.

 

How was your marriage prior? Take a few days to define that. Look at old photos, try to recapture those thoughts/feelings from that time.

 

If you find, that the "going through the motions" feelings came after the affair, you might want to take a huge step back from where you are right now.

 

Get thyself into IC.

[Tiredwife]

When we fail ourselves, everyone else is collateral damage.

 

How was your marriage prior? Take a few days to define that. Look at old photos, try to recapture those thoughts/feelings from that time.

 

If you find, that the "going through the motions" feelings came after the affair, you might want to take a huge step back from where you are right now.

 

Get thyself into IC.

 

It was not happy. I started dating him at 14. At 16 he forced me to have sex and due to a religious upbringing I felt I needed to marry him. And marry him I did at 19. We've had a successful life, financially secure with great kids. I've never been happy. I've never had an orgasm from sex with him. AP is only my second sex partner. In fact, the second man I've ever even kissed. I don't know how I ended up here. If I can salvage my job I would be more than capable of leaving. However, religious beliefs contribute to my staying married. What a hypocrite I am. I know I can make it financially. I pay all the household bills now while he "saves" his money in accounts that don't have my name on them. My life is in shambles and I feel hopeless.

[Tiredwife]

I want to add that I don't have orgasms with AP, either, but I do desire him. I'm just so screwed up. What I crave the most from AP is the sweet kisses on the head, sincere smiles, hugs, etc. but he does tell me that he loves to have sex with me and has no idea I don't have orgasms. I can't even be honest in a dishonest relationship. I don't know what to do with my life after having been with my husband for 28 years. Physically, I know I am attractive. I thwart advances from men daily. I am not in any way interested in pursuing sexual relationships with men. My A just happened because he first validated me as a person and acknowledged my hard work. Looking back, he probably was just playing me all the times he has told me how much I mean to him. He's told me he loves me three separate times and each time I've pretended not to hear him because I didn't know how to respond. I just don't know how I got here.

Edited February 5, 2017 by Tiredwife
Typo

[deadsoul]

Yikes. I think counseling is in order first. The way your relationship started with your H, there is definitely issues there.

 

And then you are cheating, but not having O's with the AP?

 

Obviously this can't continue as it's going or you wouldn't be posting, so you have some challenging decisions to make. I think firstly, counseling is in order to sort your feelings for your BH and you do definitely need to end things with the AP. I'm not sure how to extricate yourself from that one since he's your boss. But you may need to leave the job and take a pay cut. Hubby can start paying the household bills instead of saving all his money in his name (!!!)

 

Good luck.

[sandylee1]

Is it really religion keeping you with your husband or is it what you think others will say?

 

Because asides from the hypocrisy you stated yourself, religion can't mean that much to your inner self, as you're committing adultery and haven't mentioned any guilt about it... It's more you know he isn't leaving his wife.

 

Why are you faking orgasms with MM?

[Tiredwife]

Is it really religion keeping you with your husband or is it what you think others will say?

 

Because asides from the hypocrisy you stated yourself, religion can't mean that much to your inner self, as you're committing adultery and haven't mentioned any guilt about it... It's more you know he isn't leaving his wife.

 

Why are you faking orgasms with MM?

 

It's what people would say and the harsh judgement I would receive. I do have incredible guilt from this situation. I suppose I didn't express that here. There is so much more to my story. Way too much to write.

 

And why am I faking orgasms in an A? Am I that desperate for attention and adoration? Or do I feel like a failure because I can't have them? I really don't know. I just wish I was in a healthy, safe and fulfilling relationship where I could love and be loved. What in the world would make someone have a PA with someone when there is very little physical pleasure? I don't even know who I am and each day I fall a little deeper in to despair.

[somanymistakes]

Honestly it sounds to me like what you need most is friends. People you can rely on and trust, and get (non-sexual) physical affection from. Because you really sound like you need a hug.

 

You are not in a good situation. You have not been properly supported or cared for for a long time, and it has left you lonely and miserable and willing to accept whatever you can get. But the more you accept these things, the harder it is to get yourself out of them. You've ended up so tied down that you don't know how to move.

 

As you say - you don't really know who you are anymore. You need to find that out. And doing that may require making some very difficult decisions and giving up a lot of 'safety'... because it doesn't sound like either your husband or your AP is good for you.

 

How old are your kids? If you disappeared, what would happen to them? If you walked out the door and left your husband and your job with nothing but a suitcase, where would you go? Is there anyone who would take you in? (I am ABSOLUTELY NOT suggesting you should run off, just suggesting you think through the worst-case scenarios, because facing the WORST can sometimes be helpful in figuring out what's better than that.)

[Tiredwife]

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Edited February 6, 2017 by Tiredwife
Too much info

[angelheart077]

@Tiredwife, Sounds like you are really in a tough spot and I cannot imagine how hard this must be on you. Situations such as these are never easy to navigate. Sounds like you already know in your heart steps you should maybe take to help make a break from this hurtful relationship. There may be some counseling services locally that could maybe walk you thru them. My heart breaks for you and I pray you seek the help you need to get free. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry.

 

I don't have any advice for you, except to say that I can appreciate how you would be vulnerable and seek the affection of a kind man. You husband treated you badly when you were younger, and he continues to treat you unfairly. I can't imagine staying with someone who treats me badly for that many years. I hope you find some answers.

 

Unfortunately, you won't find your answers with the other man. It is unlikely that he will leave his wife and I can't imagine that he will be pleased when you end your affair, because this situation serves him perfectly.

 

Yet another reason why I dislike organized religion... Although I respect your beliefs, the fact that you would stay with a man that you do not love, who has treated you badly, because of religious beliefs is heartbreaking for me.

Edited February 8, 2017 by BaileyB

[aileD]

Tiredwife,

 

You just need to focus on you. You're a mess right now and you were a mess before, that's why you attracted and were attracted to this type of man and unhealthy relationship.

 

You need to take some time to focus on YOU and your mental health. If it's not feasible to leave your marriage, then work on yourself anyway. Get to therapy, read some books, keep a journal or something. Work on making yourself healthy THEN and only then will you be making the right choices and feel good about them.

 

Don't worry about these men....just take the time to get to know yourself again and then it will be clear what you want and what you won't settle for.

[Southern Sun]

You feel...trapped. Right?

 

Trapped in a marriage with a man who forced you to have sex at a young age; who you felt forced to marry at a still quite young age; and who hides money from you.

 

Trapped in a second relationship with a man who writes your paycheck, who you probably never would have gotten involved with had it not been for the daily time and proximity, and his subtle power over you (even if it doesn't overtly FEEL like that).

 

And trapped in a job that pays the bills because how could you cope without the cash? What if you want to leave your M? How can you leave your AP? He needs you. I bet he tells you that. And how can you quit your job without explaining WHY to your husband?

 

Have you ever felt the ability to say "no" to much of anything? "I don't want to do that?"

 

There ARE ways out of these conundrums. You just can't see them yet.

 

You do need help. Therapy...please.

[eye of the storm]

Tiredwife, you are not alone. There are countless people going home to spouses they don't like. But they, and you, don't have to.

 

Divorce is not fun. Not at all. But the aftermath of divorce is not all bad. I thought my life was over after my divorce. In the beginning I would come home and grieve the empty house when my kids were with their dad. But slowly, as I healed, I realized I didn't dread going home. I didn't dread the negative energy that permeated my marital home. I could relax and be me.

 

So if your marriage is like you said. Call an attorney and get a forensic accountant. If you are in a place with community property laws, you have a right to half his accounts. Even if your name is not on them. Many times people use private accounts as a way to control their spouse, by him having savings and you not, he has more power. You can't walk away because then you have nothing to rebuild while he does.

 

I'm going to take your word you can't leave your job right now. You should, but until you can or will, here is my advice there. Now this will only work if you truly want to get out of the A. Slow down. Next time he wants sex, you have a headache, or a woman's infection. If you are near 50, blame hormones. Next time he wants to get kissy, sneeze. You hope its allergies but you might be coming down with something. Keep tissues handy. After awhile, mention your doctor thinks your lack of interest in sex is your hormones changing, and it might take years to come back.

 

You are actually lucky, you are not super hot for the sex.

 

If what you are looking for is someone to appreciate you, you have some options. A friend of my daughter came from a not great home. One day on a whim (he was looking for something to put on his resume) he went to a senior home for vets. He has been volunteering there ever since. He told me how much he means to these people and how great it feels. I have noticed he is calmer and more confident. Lots of hugs. Animal shelters have a huge need too.

 

We are always more comfortable with the devil you know. Right now, you are miserable. But you know it. You know that you may not like it, but you can deal with it. Change is so scary. But, better things are out there. As long as you cling to things that hurt you, you can't grab the things that will make your life better.

[eye of the storm]

You feel...trapped. Right?

 

Trapped in a marriage with a man who forced you to have sex at a young age; who you felt forced to marry at a still quite young age; and who hides money from you.

 

Trapped in a second relationship with a man who writes your paycheck, who you probably never would have gotten involved with had it not been for the daily time and proximity, and his subtle power over you (even if it doesn't overtly FEEL like that).

 

And trapped in a job that pays the bills because how could you cope without the cash? What if you want to leave your M? How can you leave your AP? He needs you. I bet he tells you that. And how can you quit your job without explaining WHY to your husband?

 

Have you ever felt the ability to say "no" to much of anything? "I don't want to do that?"

 

There ARE ways out of these conundrums. You just can't see them yet.

 

You do need help. Therapy...please.

 

Quoted because this needs to be read twice!

[BTDT2012]

I feel like I have failed everyone in my life, especially my husband. I'm just going through the motions. The fact that I could fall in love with another man - what does that say about my marriage?

 

It says nothing about you marriage. Your choice to have an affair is about you.

[gia37]

Of course it says something about her marriage. She is not happy in her marriage, that's why she has an affair.

[Tiredwife]

I'm overwhelmed by all the kind and supportive words. Since I initially posted here things have changed with AP. I haven't seen him much this week because of circumstances and that gave me time to think. I decided I could break away from both. I think he could sense that and he became an emotional, blubbering mess. We did talk for a couple of hours one day and he told me he loved me after all this time. I think he means it. I think he really wishes things were different. But they aren't. I haven't had any physical contact with him and can hold my ground. I don't know if he really loves me or just loves the support and comfort I give him. I do know I am very different from his wife in many ways. His wife is very needy. I've had to care for myself since a young age. Life shapes us in to what we are. When he told me he loved me it was after explaining all the things I meant to him. After he said he knew he shouldn't say it but he was going to anyway. Inside, he is broken, too. He's had much heartache in his life. He shoulders great responsibility. My heart hurts for him. But it hurts for me, too. Again, thank you all for your kind words. I've done therapy before but it didn't help because I lied to the therapist and just couldn't open up. I'm definitely in need of help.

[Miss Clavel]

 

 

Do I slowly pull back from the relationship and let things die? Do I confront him about how I feel? I will see him daily at work but I can try to limit that to necessary interactions only. As far as my own heartbreak, I guess I just have to push through it. I love him dearly and believe that he loves me. But the cost is just too great for him and I've known that all along. I think I've just finally accepted it and realized how awful it is to always come second. I really need help.

 

yes.

 

pull back. slowly. play this as a tragic love affair that "was never meant to be". it sounds like you could honestly add, "we took vows, "we have to do right thing" "we can't hurt other people""the children". blah blah blah.

 

cry, look sad, and siggghhh. keep saying, "maybe in another life" and "i'll never forget you" until he he's had a chance to "play" his part in the drama of "love gone wrong'. hopefully you will be able to keep your job. until you find something better.

 

that takes care of the "heartbreaking" love affair, at work no less.

 

after that quietly, look into your finances!! helloooo!!?

 

don't think your stbx husband isn't hiding money against the day he leaves you. and he can prove you don't need child support or alimony since you've been paying everything for years, without a dime from him. for that reason i would NOT confess the affair.

 

since you've been going behind his back for years it shouldn't be hard for you to do so again and find a good lawyer. one that can advise you about, child support, visitation, alimony, custody and the division of assets. say nothing to anyone, don't let on to your stbx until your lawyer advises you to either leave or have your stbx leave.

 

take "free one-hour consultation" from as many lawyers as you can since they will not be able to represent your stbx husband after they "consult" with you, thus preventing him from getting the best lawyers he can to use against you.

 

next, go and sit in your car, lock the doors, pull out your phone and google vibrators.

 

buy one, along with a hand mirror, some KY lube and a copy of which ever romantic/soft porn novel that floats your boat. have these things sent to you , wherever, in a "plain brown wrapper".

 

take the package somewhere private behind a locked door and take this important aspect of your life into your "own hands". for the love of god.

 

 

good luck.

Edited February 13, 2017 by Miss Clavel

[FoundMyStrength]

I don't know if he really loves me or just loves the support and comfort I give him. I do know I am very different from his wife in many ways. His wife is very needy. I've had to care for myself since a young age. Life shapes us in to what we are. When he told me he loved me it was after explaining all the things I meant to him. After he said he knew he shouldn't say it but he was going to anyway. Inside, he is broken, too. He's had much heartache in his life. He shoulders great responsibility. My heart hurts for him. But it hurts for me, too.

 

Yes, please do get away from him. Your MM sounds like my xMM. Broken in his own way, and with a wife who needs him in a way that makes it unable for him to get reciprocal support from her. I too have been through the type of life that made me independent and a perhaps too willing and able caretaker. The thing is, though, that makes us vulnerable to men like them. They see in us the very thing they don't have in either themselves or their marriage. But they aren't brave enough to leave, so they just take and take, and are NOT CAPABLE (I believe) of giving back. This was the first time in my life I ever said no, I simply can't give anymore to this person. I have to leave and protect myself. I hope you have the strength to do so as well.

[mightycpa]

Of course it says something about her marriage. She is not happy in her marriage, that's why she has an affair.

No!

 

 

Not happy in your marriage?

 

-- separation

-- divorce

-- therapy

-- couples counseling

-- kill the spouse

-- have a baby (not a great solution, but people do it)

 

You have the affair because you're too {fill in the blank} to do any of the above.