Daisy2013 Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 After reducing our A to a friendship so there can be less burden of guilt towards God, he is still whining how miserable he is. I try to help with practical suggestions, but they fall on deaf ears and he continues to wallow in the funks. He is emphatic that there is no intimacy at home and his W has pretty much said just that to him. He refuses to do anything about his life and says he has to play out the game and do all that is expected ... husband and the roles he plays in other venues. He would let a lot of people down if he left. He says he wants to be with me, but I know he will never take that step. Too much pride there of what people will think. And he says he isn't sure love lasts and is real because in each of his marriages, it had dissipated. But on the orher hand, he claims to not doubt our love. I'm tired as I have done all I can do to make my friend happy, but fail. Hearing every day "life sucks" by a man his age who I do love dearly is wearing me down. Truly hurts to see him like this. To the point if he loves his W, then make it work, and have said so. I am told "there's nothing there." Other than telling him I can no longer help him, I don't know what more to do. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 After reducing our A to a friendship so there can be less burden of guilt towards God, he is still whining how miserable he is. I try to help with practical suggestions, but they fall on deaf ears and he continues to wallow in the funks. He is emphatic that there is no intimacy at home and his W has pretty much said just that to him. He refuses to do anything about his life and says he has to play out the game and do all that is expected ... husband and the roles he plays in other venues. He would let a lot of people down if he left. He says he wants to be with me, but I know he will never take that step. Too much pride there of what people will think. And he says he isn't sure love lasts and is real because in each of his marriages, it had dissipated. But on the orher hand, he claims to not doubt our love. I'm tired as I have done all I can do to make my friend happy, but fail. Hearing every day "life sucks" by a man his age who I do love dearly is wearing me down. Truly hurts to see him like this. To the point if he loves his W, then make it work, and have said so. I am told "there's nothing there." Other than telling him I can no longer help him, I don't know what more to do. Any suggestions? Why is any of this YOUR problem? Tell him to go whine to his wife. Then tell him you're not going to talk to him anymore because your presence is obviously not helping him to move on Then change your number and ignore him. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Tell him he's an adult and he needs to decide what he wants and DO something about it instead of just sitting and complaining about how unfair it is. You can't help him, he hasn't made up his mind yet that he even wants to be helped. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Your continued presence in his life is hurting him more than helping him. While you are there, he's not going to move on and sort his life out. Removing yourself from his life would be the best way to help him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted February 5, 2017 Author Share Posted February 5, 2017 Thank you. Like many who find themselves in this type of R, we really truly enjoy each other. It isn't about sex, but at the gist of it, our friendship. He kept opining that because we were good friends platonically for many years before the A, we could simply revert back. He also said if we were just friends, it would be one less complication in his life, but that he didn't want me to go. Made sense. But it's difficult when there is a friendship love that includes lust and chemistry, and how we feel about each other. I have thought perhaps the time has come to say goodbye again (recall the A ended, so that was a goodbye), it would be the greatest gift to give him. I showered him with small b'day gifts recently involving a common interest we share (did not spend a lot of money here) to try to cheer him up, it worked for a few days. When one says they love someone, one looks out for their best interest despite their own desires and pain. Time to pull on my big girl panties, face the reality, and show one last time my love. He is my heart, and it would be good for him to have a fulfilled life. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 This isn't 'friendship' it's an emotional affair. You lose though! He still is married and I do not believe his 'whining' word for word. If he was that miserable, he'd leave. That's what unhappy people do, they divorce. Being 'friends' with him, keeps you invested and into him, preventing you from ever opening your heart to someone else. He has a life built, friend and family entwined with his wife, he's still LIVING LIFE with her. You're missing out on building a family unit with a man who will love only you. I know you won't but I do hope you find the courage to end it and walk away from him for good and go full on no contact. He is never leaving his wife. He is happy enough as things are, that's the truth of it. He's too lazy or too scared to make the changes, IF what he has told is even true. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 If his wife doesn't know about it, honey it ain't friendship, it's an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 He'll survive without you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 Thank you. Like many who find themselves in this type of R, we really truly enjoy each other. It isn't about sex, but at the gist of it, our friendship. He kept opining that because we were good friends platonically for many years before the A, we could simply revert back. He also said if we were just friends, it would be one less complication in his life, but that he didn't want me to go. Made sense. But it's difficult when there is a friendship love that includes lust and chemistry, and how we feel about each other. I have thought perhaps the time has come to say goodbye again (recall the A ended, so that was a goodbye), it would be the greatest gift to give him. I showered him with small b'day gifts recently involving a common interest we share (did not spend a lot of money here) to try to cheer him up, it worked for a few days. When one says they love someone, one looks out for their best interest despite their own desires and pain. Time to pull on my big girl panties, face the reality, and show one last time my love. He is my heart, and it would be good for him to have a fulfilled life. Actually, it really is about sex. I'm not saying men don't have female friends but they keep the two separate. He is whining and carrying on because he wants to get laid. He is not leaving his wife, right? If he was really just your friend, he would be happy since you seem to be pretty okay with the situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted February 6, 2017 Author Share Posted February 6, 2017 He'll survive without you. Yes, I am fully aware of that. Pretty sure it's me who is afraid the most to cut the final cord. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted February 6, 2017 Author Share Posted February 6, 2017 Actually, it really is about sex. I'm not saying men don't have female friends but they keep the two separate. He is whining and carrying on because he wants to get laid. He is not leaving his wife, right? If he was really just your friend, he would be happy since you seem to be pretty okay with the situation. Beats me. They don't have it and he never has pushed it with me, honestly. I think he is emotionally starved. But, who knows, really. He could be lying to me and/or I could be one of many he's had and played this game with. I just don't know. But no, he won't leave. Too many divorces under his belt and refuses to go through another, and too many expectations to live up to. Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 (edited) This should be quite easy for you. The NC I mean. A grown ass man is whining, how sexy is that? Edited February 6, 2017 by BuddyX Grammar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 To me from what you post it sounds as if he's just an unhappy person. He may know that he'd be unhappy no matter who he was with so that's a big reason he doesn't want to leave his wife. On the other hand, you're fortunate not to be with him. I doubt he'd be any different married to you than he is married to his wife. It sounds to me as if you're tired of hearing him whine, it's dragging you down, though you believe you love him. Times that by ten and know what it would be like to be married to him, a real downer! It sounds to me as if he needs someone on the side to pep up his life, feed his ego, etc., in a way it'd be impossible for a wife to do 24/7. Possibly if the two of you ended up married he'd need someone on the side to keep him pepped up, ego fed, etc. Be glad you're not his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 You can't MAKE someone else happy. He's unhappy because he is an unhappy person. It's time for you to look after yourself! He's not the type to figure your feelings into the long term equation...I guarantee it. You could be describing my exH - he will ALWAYS have a wife and another woman... and he will never be happy for one day in his miserable life. You could be one of many... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 Actually, it really is about sex. I'm not saying men don't have female friends but they keep the two separate. He is whining and carrying on because he wants to get laid. He is not leaving his wife, right? If he was really just your friend, he would be happy since you seem to be pretty okay with the situation. .....truth..... Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 So... went and checked your previous threads for your story... Seriously? You've been complaining about this guy since 2013 when you were unceremoniously friend zoned. You know what to do... you've beeem told a million times on here. The difference is that back in 2013 you wasted 2 years on this cry-baby of a man child. Now it's 6... How many more years are you going to waste on this? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 So... went and checked your previous threads for your story... Seriously? You've been complaining about this guy since 2013 when you were unceremoniously friend zoned. You know what to do... you've beeem told a million times on here. The difference is that back in 2013 you wasted 2 years on this cry-baby of a man child. Now it's 6... How many more years are you going to waste on this? Nothing changes wh n nothing changes. ANY change must come from you. How old are you? You realize you've chosen to waste many years of you're life with a married dude when you could have been dating an available guy who could offer you much more than this scumbag? Are you avoiding available men for a reason? Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 Leave him alone until he stops whining. Then leave him alone for good because he whined for so long. Theres a difference when people are really in trouble and people who do it for attention and its not hard to see that difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted February 6, 2017 Author Share Posted February 6, 2017 Thanks everyone. Yes, it has been a few years, this is a whirlwind. To answer a question, I am old enough to have kids in college. I post here because many are in the same boat and I garner strength from reading and also posting and receiving responses. I suppose it is silly and ridiculous to keep this going. I thought the friend zone could work. Time to find a therapist to find out what's wrong with me. I have tried before, but timing never worked out. I was literally at the doorstep of one while in tears and they had written down the wrong appt. time and couldn't see me, and I didn't return because I thought it was unprofessionally handled. I am strong in every aspect of my life but this. One would never know. Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 get off the fence and create his own happiness. Time for you to back out, and tell him just that. The old push/pull is not healthy for you - AT ALL. Friendzone does not work here, it was something else at one time - and there really isn't any going back to being friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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