Other man, been deceived [UPDATED]

[ShatteredLady]

To tell or not to tell?

 

This is a debate that often comes up here. It's usually divisive. On the infidelity forum which has a far higher percentage of betrayed it's usually more one sided...Tell!

 

I know that your relationship is over. In my opinion that doesn't really make a huge amount of difference. I know that your motives can be questioned. Again, speaking as a betrayed, I don't care. I'd want to know the truth of my life!!

 

You know she's married because he contacted you assuming that you were knowingly guilty of adultery. I can understand you being too shocked at the time to get into a long conversation. She has had a good oportunity to come clean & chances are she has.

 

Again, speaking as a BS, living with that terrible feeling that your gut is screaming but you don't KNOW for sure the truth is awful. It's emotionally crippling! I would have been deeply grateful if someone had sent me a timeline of the affair WITH PROOF.

 

We know that you are innocent but he doesn't. If he has been told lies he will need proof to believe the truth. It's just how it is. If he's thinking you are a man who willingly had an affair with a newly married woman he will be judging ALL of your morals.

 

I do NOT think that ignorance is bliss. We can't be positive how her betrayed spouse feels but statistically (from talking to a LOT of bs & reading forums) it far more likely that he would want to know everything.

[oldshirt]

Should I call the husband and tell my side of the story? Who knows what she has been telling him.

 

.

 

... and who knows what she's been telling you...

 

You simply have no idea what is truth here and what is smoke and mirrors.

 

From what you have been given, the H knows at least something. How important is it in the cosmos that he knows your side of it??? I don't really know.

 

She is obviously a master manipulator and con woman. But where your obligation here begins and ends, I don't know.

 

I guess my recommendation to you is this - if it will help you to sleep at night and help you to move on and put this whole trainwreck behind you if you were to tell him the whole story and get it off your chest, go for it.

 

But if you search your feelings and your true motive is to get back at her or God forbid, try to bust them up so you can get her back, then do everything in your power to simply turn and walk away and never look back ever again.

 

So simple formula; if it is about helping you put this behind you and move forward with your life without her in it in any way shape, or form, then maybe disclosing the level of her con and fraud is beneficial.

 

But if it is about her in any way or especially if it is about trying to get her back - then no way, no how!!!

 

Either way, you have dodged not only a bullet, but a meteor strike here. Don't do anything that is going to put you back in the path of this disaster unless you can document some kind of true benefit to you moving on with your own life without her in it.

[ShatteredLady]

Having said all of that...

 

This lady is a mess! I gather she's pretty much given-up on her oldest children. Does she feel that's she's done so much damage in their lives that it's beyond her to change & rebuild relationships?

 

That's awful! They are her children.

She should be fighting tooth & nail, she should be working on herself to become a truly repentant mother they can be proud of.

 

She's trying to build a life for her last child BUT continues behavior which brings pain & drama into her life!

 

Is this REALLY the woman you want? She has lied & manipulated you for YEARS! Why on earth would you bring that kind of ongoing pain into your life? Why did she think HE was a better choice for stability than YOU? Did he just propose first? Does he have more money?

 

Why?

[sandylee1]

The reason I'd tell him, is I wouldn't want anyone including him, thinking I was knowingly with a married person. It doesn't matter that he doesn't know you, but I'd want to clear my name and then stay well away from that crazy woman.

 

A hot mess is an understatement for what she is.

[bbanner]

I love hearing all these opinions. Let me clarify, I do not want her back in my life. I know she has a lot of issues. I feel bad for her. If i knew my neighbor was going to be robbed, I would tell them. In this case, maybe she isnt who her husband thinks she is. He should have to waste years of his life too. As I said before, if I was in his shoes, I would want to know.

 

Thank you for all the input. I hope people keep adding to this. There's great reasoning behind both sides.

[bbanner]

shatteredlady, those are questions I am unable to answer. My therapist said it didnt make any sense either. I recently found out some information about him. I know I make much more money than he does. I'm getting to the point where I no longer need to know those answers and am able to move on.

[NTV]

Do you journal? A lot of times seeing the thoughts you have written down in black and white help. Especially when filtering bullcrap.

[bbanner]

NTV,

Yes I have been writing in a journal. It really does help alot.

[bbanner]

So I took in all the advice, I dodged a huge meteor shower. Last week i emailed her, wanting an apology. A few hours later, I received an angry text from her husband. We exchanged a few texts. She told him I was just a guy flirting with her. She had been living with him for 10 years! He had suspected things. We were very cordial. We exchanged notes and I feel very bad for him. He will be proceeding with a divorce. He even talked about getting a beer after this is all done. He is glad we talked. This site is great. Thank you for everyone's view points.

[Lovetoo]

S2B, I may have not been clear. I didnt know she was seeing anyone else until last month. We stopped seeing each other once it came out. So, yes, I am a victim in this. And I am trying to move forward.

 

It's hard. I know. We're there no signs at all? Whether their were or not, it's a reality now and we must find ways to recover. To heal.

 

I wouldn't contact her husband. Waste of your energy. I guess you should ask what would you like to accomplish with contacting him and if it's worth it.

 

Be compassionate with yourself. Forgive her and forgive you. Decide on a way to occupy your thoughts, time and energy. To help you move on. If it doesn't work try something else. Just keep moving. Eventually you'll get there.

 

She, does NOT deserve you. Nor your thoughts or time.

Edited April 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[bbanner]

So a couple weeks go by after I told the husband about our relationship and how I had no idea about him. I wanted to get a face to face apology from her and maybe an explanation. I wanted to try and understand her.

 

We work in the same field and I was going to be cordial or run from her if I should ever cross paths again. I sent her an email asking for the apology, she said had no answers for me and just sent me an apology by text. I proceeded to call the husband, who 2 weeks before was an ally and said we should have a beer. He does a 180 and tells me I'm causing chaos in their lives. He decided they will go to therapy and work on their marriage.

 

I bummed i wont get an apology, but I dont really need it. But how can this husband still consider being married to her? 3 years and 9 months of their marriage, she was having sex with me and having a relationship. Its funny, when I first learned of him, I wanted her to stay with me and leave him. It's like I see myself how I was a few months ago. Hopefully he will get some good therapy and value himself more and see her for what she is. How could he trust her again? Love can be so blinding.

Edited April 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[angel.eyes]

Who cares! She's not your problem. Stop contacting them under the guise of "closure." You've wasted way too much of your life on her already. Block, delete, and move on.

[bbanner]

As a refresher, I was in a relationship for over 3 1/2 years.

As I believed, she lived a distance away and had a room in someone elses home, so we did everything at my place. We saw each other often even she had ever changing work hours. Long story short, I found out she was in another relationship for 8 years and got married to him last summer. She said she wasnt sure where we were headed and was going to make things work in the other relationship even though that relationship went in every direction. She said she got desperate. She and I had a couple of bumps, but we were doing amazing the last 4 months of it, the months after she got married. It was my ideal relationship, I was ready for her to move in and was going to propose. She didnt have the decency to end our relationship before she got engaged. Our relationship ended when her husband saw our texts. She lied to him for a few months, telling him I was just a flirtation. I know this because he and I actually spoke and I told him the nature of our relationship.

 

I felt so betrayed. i was angry and depressed and went through a lot of emotions. I did the IC for quite sometime and still go occasionally. I was doing pretty well. Its been about 5 months now. Over the last two days, I have found myself to be very angry again, angrier than I had been initially when I first found out. I think mostly because, she hurt me in such a profound way and she has no real consequences, last I heard, she and her husband are going to counseling and working on things. All I got was a text saying " I'm sorry I hurt you and I have no answers for you".

 

Is it normal to have all this anger come up again? I feel like I going through what a betrayed person would go through. I had no idea he existed, he didnt know I existed either.

[oceansaway]

Yes. 5 stages and Phases of grieving. You have just moved into the anger stage. It will someday pass and you will get through it

[Telemachus]

Embracing anger is like taking poison and hoping another person will die from it. You're doing harm only to yourself. Let the anger go. When it surfaces, don't embrace it.

 

You aren't the first to have been deceived, and you won't be the last. Make use of what you learned from this experience. She didn't end it before she got engaged to the other man, but it's over now. Let it, and the anger go. Hold only the lesson to embrace a healthy skepticism.

 

You use the word "amazing" to describe your relationship with her. Big red flag - too good to be true isn't true. You believed many things that you shouldn't have believed because you wanted them to be true, no matter how fanciful or improbable they were, amazing even.

[bbanner]

I thought I had already gone through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression and on my way through acceptance. Can stages be revisited?

[Clockwatching]

Hi bbanner,

 

That is a profound betrayal, and I am absolutely not surprised that you're angry and haven't processed it all yet.

 

What I'm wondering about is whether you're angry at her for her actions, angry at yourself for accepting the situation even though you blatantly were unhappy with it, or a combination of both?

 

In my view, you need to find out what you're angry about and who you're angry with - anger is usually because underneath it we feel helpless. Ask yourself what you feel helpless about? Do you still feel at the whim of your emotions? Do you feel like you honoured yourself when you found out what she had done?

 

Half of the problem with betrayal is that we lose our sense of trust in ourselves - we beat ourselves up saying things like 'how could I be so stupid?', 'why didn't I see it?', 'I can't ever have true love because I'm obviously not good enough'. It feels like not only has someone else stabbed us in the back, but now we're doing it to ourselves too.

 

It sounds like it was such a shock to find out what you found out, and to keep her in your life you violated your own boundaries and ignored how you felt hoping that you were good enough that she would choose you. Have you often had to prove yourself in your life to other people?

 

Going against how you feel will always leave you in hot water, you lose your centre and sense of who you are so your emotions will naturally fluctuate because they're calling for your attention.

 

What we can do to help a trauma like that is go back in our minds to the moment that it happened, and we can change the memory - if you wished that you had acted with more confidence and power, do that - shout and scream, throw things, blow things up (in your mind, obviously). The mind is your playground so do whatever it is that you want to do to express how you feel - this is honouring your emotions.

 

From this space, it's easier to pick things that make us feel better and help us to move forward feeling more empowered.

 

I hope something in there has helped, it sounds like an awful situation to have been in.

[Darren Steez]

You'll come out the other side of the tunnel and you'll breathe a sigh of relief.

 

1. Someone above smiled down on you and revealed the true nature of this woman to you.

2. She's a user and a liar, even if you had been in a relationship with her most likely she would have cheated or something else serious enough by then you would have been trapped.

3. She absolutely doesn't ride into the sunset. Her marriage now exists in a place without trust. She guise which she portrayed herself during the courtship and the engagement has been revealed to be a lie. Her husband probably ironically envies you as the one that managed to get away because he's now stuck with her and she's capable of doing it again.

 

Go buy yourself an adult beverage and celebrate this close call.

[bbanner]

What I'm wondering about is whether you're angry at her for her actions, angry at yourself for accepting the situation even though you blatantly were unhappy with it, or a combination of both?

 

I'm angry at her actions. I have no choice to accept the situation, It's awful. She did what she did, I cant change that. I'm unhappy with it. I'm no longer with her, nor do I want to be.

 

Do you feel like you honoured yourself when you found out what she had done?

I dont think I have yet.

Half of the problem with betrayal is that we lose our sense of trust in ourselves - we beat ourselves up saying things like 'how could I be so stupid?', 'why didn't I see it?', It feels like not only has someone else stabbed us in the back, but now we're doing it to ourselves too.

 

I definitely feel like I need to be a bit more cautious.

[bbanner]

Thanks Darren, good to read that again and again.

Thanks to all the replies. I really do appreciate this forum. Still going through this process.

[Southern Sun]

Yes, anger is very, very normal. Anger will come and go, and so will all the other emotions. The grieving process is not linear. You don't get to go through each one in neat little stages and then be done. Unfortunately. You will go through a phase, move to the next, then regress, then go forward, then cycle back around, and so on. Standard Operating Procedure.

 

The anger hits me when the feeling of my boundaries being violated comes back pretty hard...that feeling of being taken advantage of...that sense that someone took advantage of my love for them, used my good nature, to take care of THEIR wants and needs, consequences to me be damned.

 

It goes away. I don't mean I'm not still angry. But it just doesn't use up my energy in the same way.

[bbanner]

How long has it been with you SoutherSun?

[Southern Sun]

How long has it been with you SoutherSun?

 

Sorry, I've been off for several days.

 

It's been over with my xMM for a year now. I would say I did not start feeling much better until about 9 or 10 months. I am a lot better now, but still some days the anger comes. Thankfully not much sadness or anxiety anymore.