Can a marriage still heal if

[JamesM]

James, understand and appreciate what you're saying. And your premise obviously carries some weight, otherwise I doubt this or similar forums would exist.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

TBH, I am not convinced that it is the reason in this case at all. This time or the first time. But the thought crossed my mind.

 

The thing is when there are affairs like this and he is caught for the "first time," it is difficult to assume that it could very well be the first time. As you say, we are cynical.

 

I have no clue if the husband did or did not cheat in the first 17 years, but I guess I try to take the "high road" and assume (I know, not good) that it is for the sake of discussion. Some people are really naive when it comes to hiding secrets, so it is possible.

 

But what happens is we reevaluate our whole life with them. A few years ago, a situation in my marriage happened where I caught my wife in a doozy of a lie. She had overtly covered up something with stories and lies over an almost two year period. My gut old me something was up, but what she was lying about didn't seem to matter. I eventually discovered her coverup and found evidence to show her lies for the almost two years.

 

Prior to that, I never imagined she could keep a secret from me at all, let alone lie to my face...and keep doing so while I even showed her evidence to the contrary. The weird thing is that I would not have cared if she had told me the truth.

 

It was a financial thing and not a sexual thing, but it still was about dishonesty.

 

And after that for the next few months, I struggled with (so I was told) many of the same issues that someone who has been betrayed sexually does. It took some time for us to work through this.

 

Not to be off topic, but my point is...now I always struggle with wondering what else over the past two decades may have been hidden or lied about. Maybe nothing. Maybe only small things. But yes, maybe she had an affair and hid that too.

 

I doubt it about the affair, because I think I know her when it comes to that area of our life, but yet, maybe that is why we have had problems. I am certain that she has lied more than once about things because I have had those same "little red flags" in the past that I brushed off.

 

So my point is from all of that rambling, yes, a marriage can heal, but it is not easy. Yes, you can rebuild the trust, but there will probably always be a lingering doubt in your mind since this has happened twice already. Even from small betrayals, it can happen.

 

If it happens once, then I am a firm believer that marriages can reconcile. If it happens twice, then there is still a possibility but it becomes much more doubtful. And if it is more than that, then the odds are really bad.

 

In your case, it comes down to you. No, you cannot heal the marriage alone. You need him. You need him to be completely open and honest.

 

Are you going to be willing to live with him for the next how ever many years with the doubt in the back of your mind about what he does? Will you be able to live with the fear that will be there when he is out for a night and you wonder if he really is where he says he is? You dealt with this once before, but my guess is that it will be much worse than before.

 

But you will need to answer one simple question that is not easy to answer long term. Above all, is he worth it?

[Red123]

And just how do you know that "he was completely faithful for 17 years"?

 

I caught my husband 4 years ago and he confessed to having had 3 other affairs over the course of our marriage. If he he'd not told me, I would NEVER have known. I did not suspect it at the time and have no memory of questionable behavior even now. I only know because he confessed it to me. There were no cell phones nor constant sources of information then. It was easier to keep such secrets. I would bet any amount of money your husband was NOT completely faithful for 17 years.

 

Well, you can have that opinion, with the understanding that you get a small snippet of my life by reading my post. I found this post almost attacking, the way you worded the "and just how do you know" as though I am doing something wrong I believe that he was faithful for that timeframe and it really doesn't matter if anyone believes that or not. I also find it interesting that you claim you would never reconcile twice, yet your H has had 4 affairs, I get that you found out about them all at the same time but it's still 4 others during your marriage. Maybe you think I need tough love or something but I find your posts to my threads a little harsh. It's highly unlikely I will be reconciling, but I don't see how my situation is so much worse than yours that I shouldn't reconcile and you should.

[Red123]

Hi Red, your comment about having been diagnosed with a chronic illness just before the A started struck a chord with me. I have a chronic disease, was diagnosed just before the A and also had cancer, it resulted in me being medically retired and limits my mobility and ability to do so much. Before that I was uber fit, was a high achieving professional with an excellent salary. Around the same time H was in Iraq and was involved in a really bad event that was out of his control, it resulted in him feeling 'not good enough'. It was a combination of Combat Stress and my illness and his feeling hopeless and helpless. He began to feel he was no use, wasn't any good for me and so the A began. We had been together over 23 yrs and it was so out of character.

 

He said the A was a sort of self fulfilling prophecy as in, I am a bad, useless man, I am having an affair, I am a bad useless man, rinse, repeat. Not saying this is any way an excuse for an A, but it is one of the reasons. I wondered how your H coped when you told him about your diagnosis, if he felt he couldn't do anything to help, if he changed after you had been diagnosed and whether you feel it might have contributed to the affair decision. Not for one moment suggesting getting ill was something you could control, been there, done that whole guilt thing and the where have I gone feeling. Just that it is often one of the major life changes that happens that precedes an affair.

 

I hope you are feeling a lot better and learning to live with whatever you have. It is so, so hard. Me and my H have reconciled, he is my rock, life has changed so much. Don't know if I could forgive a second affair, the first almost broke me and us. But, you do what YOU need to. I wrote lists, pro's and cons, what I could live with and what I could leave. I find looking for balance and what worked for me was m,y decider, that and that I loved (love) H with all I have. I so hope it works out for you xx seven

 

Thank you for the reply. I have thought along the lines of what you are saying. I guess for me the first affair was before my illness came into play and he does not have PTSD to my knowledge. I do believe my illness has effected him and that it has been hard on him, but he still made the wrong choice to cheat.

[Red123]

TBH, I am not convinced that it is the reason in this case at all. This time or the first time. But the thought crossed my mind.

 

The thing is when there are affairs like this and he is caught for the "first time," it is difficult to assume that it could very well be the first time. As you say, we are cynical.

 

I have no clue if the husband did or did not cheat in the first 17 years, but I guess I try to take the "high road" and assume (I know, not good) that it is for the sake of discussion. Some people are really naive when it comes to hiding secrets, so it is possible.

 

But what happens is we reevaluate our whole life with them. A few years ago, a situation in my marriage happened where I caught my wife in a doozy of a lie. She had overtly covered up something with stories and lies over an almost two year period. My gut old me something was up, but what she was lying about didn't seem to matter. I eventually discovered her coverup and found evidence to show her lies for the almost two years.

 

Prior to that, I never imagined she could keep a secret from me at all, let alone lie to my face...and keep doing so while I even showed her evidence to the contrary. The weird thing is that I would not have cared if she had told me the truth.

 

It was a financial thing and not a sexual thing, but it still was about dishonesty.

 

And after that for the next few months, I struggled with (so I was told) many of the same issues that someone who has been betrayed sexually does. It took some time for us to work through this.

 

Not to be off topic, but my point is...now I always struggle with wondering what else over the past two decades may have been hidden or lied about. Maybe nothing. Maybe only small things. But yes, maybe she had an affair and hid that too.

 

I doubt it about the affair, because I think I know her when it comes to that area of our life, but yet, maybe that is why we have had problems. I am certain that she has lied more than once about things because I have had those same "little red flags" in the past that I brushed off.

 

So my point is from all of that rambling, yes, a marriage can heal, but it is not easy. Yes, you can rebuild the trust, but there will probably always be a lingering doubt in your mind since this has happened twice already. Even from small betrayals, it can happen.

 

If it happens once, then I am a firm believer that marriages can reconcile. If it happens twice, then there is still a possibility but it becomes much more doubtful. And if it is more than that, then the odds are really bad.

 

In your case, it comes down to you. No, you cannot heal the marriage alone. You need him. You need him to be completely open and honest.

 

Are you going to be willing to live with him for the next how ever many years with the doubt in the back of your mind about what he does? Will you be able to live with the fear that will be there when he is out for a night and you wonder if he really is where he says he is? You dealt with this once before, but my guess is that it will be much worse than before.

 

But you will need to answer one simple question that is not easy to answer long term. Above all, is he worth it?

I do think he is worth it, we have been together since we were 18. I just don't think I want to put the work in again. Some would say that the the first A 4 months and the second 9months is a small amount of time in a 20 year relationship and it is. My issue is all the pain and work that comes afterwards and not wanting to put myself through it.

[JamesM]

I do think he is worth it, we have been together since we were 18. I just don't think I want to put the work in again. Some would say that the the first A 4 months and the second 9months is a small amount of time in a 20 year relationship and it is. My issue is all the pain and work that comes afterwards and not wanting to put myself through it.

 

So if he is worth it but you don't have the energy to work at it (which I totally understand), what are your plans?

[Red123]

So if he is worth it but you don't have the energy to work at it (which I totally understand), what are your plans?

 

Right now just working on me. My IC asked that I not make any major decisions for the next 3 months. So I am trying to focus on myself, getting well and working toward my personal goals. I am trying to emotionally distance myself from him and I am going out with friends as often as I can. They are a great support for me and they always remind me how amazing I am.

[merrmeade]

Well, you can have that opinion, with the understanding that you get a small snippet of my life by reading my post. I found this post almost attacking, the way you worded the "and just how do you know" as though I am doing something wrong I believe that he was faithful for that timeframe and it really doesn't matter if anyone believes that or not. I also find it interesting that you claim you would never reconcile twice, yet your H has had 4 affairs, I get that you found out about them all at the same time but it's still 4 others during your marriage. Maybe you think I need tough love or something but I find your posts to my threads a little harsh. It's highly unlikely I will be reconciling, but I don't see how my situation is so much worse than yours that I shouldn't reconcile and you should.

You're right. My post was completely insensitive. It's hard enough to endure what you're going through. I shot it off with my own thoughts and reactions, not thinking of you and I'm sorry.

 

My husband's cheating was definitely worse - twice as bad to be exact (2x2) since I was completely unaware. I should have known. I can say that I won't let it happen again, but I said that before finding myself in that position the first time. I'm sorry even to be comparing our deplorable situations.

 

The real difference that I was reacting to (but didn't say) is that - I'd like to think - if it happened again (if my husband cheated again), I'd be relieved to have a solid reason to stop trying. That probably does not reflect your situation either.

 

I can't say what YOUR husband might have done, but 17 years is a long time. I just didn't see an explanation as to why the last three years were different.

 

Again, I regret making it harder for you than it already is. You did nothing to deserve more insensitivity and heartache.

[elaine567]

If the husband has indeed been faithful for 17 years and has now had 2 affairs in the space of 3 years, then my worry for the OP is that he may consciously or subconsciously be looking for a replacement, a way out, an exit affair.

He may not have found a suitable candidate yet, hence his desire to cling to the marriage at the moment.

 

Not every man can cope with the idea of having a sick wife and whilst the diagnosis date does not match up with his first affair he may still have been very aware at that time that the OP was sick.

[seren]

Mr Lucky, my H went to Iraq one person and came back as someone totally different. Walking around for 10 days having to wear the best part of two of your team on your clothing does things to a person's mind, in my H's case, that coupled with my illness made him feel not good enough, that he didn't deserve his perfect life or his sick and potentially terminal wife. I saw the best of men (which is was and is) become someone I didn't recognise. An awful lot of PTSD and combat stress people have affairs or do irrational things. Par for the course.

 

The reason I asked Red if she thought it might have been the trigger for the A is that very often we set ourselves up as being 'This' person, we want to fix things for those we love and when we cannot we very often label ourselves as failures, that the person we love would be better off without us, yet we lack the ability to walk away. That is what happened to my husband and while Red's H might not have PTSD, infidelity often happens when one partner has a chronic illness, it isn't an excuse, but very often a reason.

 

My H's affair was so self destructive, love just didn't factor into it, escapism, being a different person who didn't have to feel a failure, who would go out and act like a much younger man with no care, then come home and act so out of character. It was a hot mess, now, he has counselling, he struggles daily with what he did, but we are here and, I say this from the bottom of my heart, we are very happy and we never forget, but we love despite the scar it left on our marriage.

 

People's lives are all very different, some have affairs because they meet someone else they love more than the BS, some for sex and some because the affair enables them to escape their life and be someone else. No reason is enough of an excuse, but they are reasons. I balanced what if we split up against what if we reconcile, TBH leaving wasn't on the cards for either of us as neither of us wanted to spend the rest of our life without the other.

 

 

Red I read you don't think you will stay, only you know what will work for you, reconciling is tough. I hope the split is as painless for you all as it can be and that you don't get too sick with all the stress. xx (sorry for the T/J)

[Red123]

You're right. My post was completely insensitive. It's hard enough to endure what you're going through. I shot it off with my own thoughts and reactions, not thinking of you and I'm sorry.

 

My husband's cheating was definitely worse - twice as bad to be exact (2x2) since I was completely unaware. I should have known. I can say that I won't let it happen again, but I said that before finding myself in that position the first time. I'm sorry even to be comparing our deplorable situations.

 

The real difference that I was reacting to (but didn't say) is that - I'd like to think - if it happened again (if my husband cheated again), I'd be relieved to have a solid reason to stop trying. That probably does not reflect your situation either.

 

I can't say what YOUR husband might have done, but 17 years is a long time. I just didn't see an explanation as to why the last three years were different.

 

Again, I regret making it harder for you than it already is. You did nothing to deserve more insensitivity and heartache.

 

Thank you. I believe that we all think we would do things a certain way when we are not faced with it. There are posts on this forum where I state that he got one chance but never again, yet here I am dealing with my youngest daughter telling me she is afraid we are going to divorce and that her friend is going through that with her parents and it's horrible. I don't know what to do and I will never again state I know what I would do. I am pretty sure I'm done but you never know, maybe his counselling will change him. I'm not committed to anything right now.

[Red123]

Mr Lucky, my H went to Iraq one person and came back as someone totally different. Walking around for 10 days having to wear the best part of two of your team on your clothing does things to a person's mind, in my H's case, that coupled with my illness made him feel not good enough, that he didn't deserve his perfect life or his sick and potentially terminal wife. I saw the best of men (which is was and is) become someone I didn't recognise. An awful lot of PTSD and combat stress people have affairs or do irrational things. Par for the course.

 

The reason I asked Red if she thought it might have been the trigger for the A is that very often we set ourselves up as being 'This' person, we want to fix things for those we love and when we cannot we very often label ourselves as failures, that the person we love would be better off without us, yet we lack the ability to walk away. That is what happened to my husband and while Red's H might not have PTSD, infidelity often happens when one partner has a chronic illness, it isn't an excuse, but very often a reason.

 

My H's affair was so self destructive, love just didn't factor into it, escapism, being a different person who didn't have to feel a failure, who would go out and act like a much younger man with no care, then come home and act so out of character. It was a hot mess, now, he has counselling, he struggles daily with what he did, but we are here and, I say this from the bottom of my heart, we are very happy and we never forget, but we love despite the scar it left on our marriage.

 

People's lives are all very different, some have affairs because they meet someone else they love more than the BS, some for sex and some because the affair enables them to escape their life and be someone else. No reason is enough of an excuse, but they are reasons. I balanced what if we split up against what if we reconcile, TBH leaving wasn't on the cards for either of us as neither of us wanted to spend the rest of our life without the other.

 

 

Red I read you don't think you will stay, only you know what will work for you, reconciling is tough. I hope the split is as painless for you all as it can be and that you don't get too sick with all the stress. xx (sorry for the T/J)

 

Thank you for your compassionate replies. I really appreciate it right now.

[Red123]

If the husband has indeed been faithful for 17 years and has now had 2 affairs in the space of 3 years, then my worry for the OP is that he may consciously or subconsciously be looking for a replacement, a way out, an exit affair.

He may not have found a suitable candidate yet, hence his desire to cling to the marriage at the moment.

 

Not every man can cope with the idea of having a sick wife and whilst the diagnosis date does not match up with his first affair he may still have been very aware at that time that the OP was sick.

 

I honestly don't believe this was an exit affair. His first was when we were on the brink of separation and we did separate for a while. This one was after my diagnosis, but he has stood by me and taken care of me when needed when it comes to my illness. Except for the whole screwing a married woman thing lol.

[Red123]

So I'm still in my house, and the inhouse separation really sucks. It is so hard to do this but I keep telling myself it's temporary. It doesn't help that my WS is swearing he will change and is in therapy. Today my friend came by and asked me to have lunch with her. We went to a restaurant/ pub that is really close to where my WH works and my home. We were having some wine and I was looking out the window and who is walking by but the MOW with a man that I know well that's worked with WH for years, he's a married man too and has an amazing wife. I thought two things, is she moving on to him and maybe my WH is telling the truth about NC. It doesn't really matter but man seeing her was such a trigger. I purposely didn't tell him about where I was either, part of me thought I might see him with her. Nope, he was where he said he was.

[Spring23]

So I'm still in my house, and the inhouse separation really sucks. It is so hard to do this but I keep telling myself it's temporary. It doesn't help that my WS is swearing he will change and is in therapy.

 

The truth is he doesn't know if he can change. Change is difficult and takes a lot of time.

 

Right now you have some information about him and his behavior what you do with that is up to you.

[Red123]

The truth is he doesn't know if he can change. Change is difficult and takes a lot of time.

 

Right now you have some information about him and his behavior what you do with that is up to you.

 

I completely agree. He is also super swamped and stressed at work so I don't see him putting any significant amount time toward change.

[Mr Blunt]

By RED

Right now just working on me. My IC asked that I not make any major decisions for the next 3 months. So I am trying to focus on myself, getting well and working toward my personal goals.

 

Red you are right on the right track IMO!

 

 

 

 

 

You said some really powerful positive things about your husband and your relationship with him. See below:

 

By RED

He is the model husband again and has ended it fully with her

I was diagnosed in 2015 but it started late 2014. He has supported me fully through all of it.

The saddest part is that we get along so well, and have so much fun together

I have amazing friends and lots of support but I always considered him my best friend.

I do think he is worth it, we have been together since we were 18.

I really love the man

 

 

 

You are hurt to the bone right now so your hurt may cancel out the good that you described above. What you described above is very strong bonding plus you have children together. I am not trying to tell you to R; I am just recognizing the positives that you had/have in your relationship.

 

 

My advice would be for you to write down all the positives and the negatives and contemplate that list for several more months, years?. The bottom line is for you to take actions that will be best for you. No matter what action you take you will have lost something in your relationship with your husband. Life for me IS LOOKING AT WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT AND MAKING THE BEST OUT OF THAT. Do not expect fairness in life but adjust for your benefit.

 

In your case the question is not “to be or not to be” but Will your life be better with or without your husband? Take your time to come to a conclusion; six months is not enough time.

 

 

For you I would say keep working on your hurt and emotions. You can get rid of the anger and maybe even forgive. That would be for your benefit. Forgiveness is getting rid of the negative emotions that are keeping you from joy, IMO.

[Red123]

By RED

Right now just working on me. My IC asked that I not make any major decisions for the next 3 months. So I am trying to focus on myself, getting well and working toward my personal goals.

 

Red you are right on the right track IMO!

 

 

 

 

 

You said some really powerful positive things about your husband and your relationship with him. See below:

 

By RED

He is the model husband again and has ended it fully with her

I was diagnosed in 2015 but it started late 2014. He has supported me fully through all of it.

The saddest part is that we get along so well, and have so much fun together

I have amazing friends and lots of support but I always considered him my best friend.

I do think he is worth it, we have been together since we were 18.

I really love the man

 

 

 

You are hurt to the bone right now so your hurt may cancel out the good that you described above. What you described above is very strong bonding plus you have children together. I am not trying to tell you to R; I am just recognizing the positives that you had/have in your relationship.

 

 

My advice would be for you to write down all the positives and the negatives and contemplate that list for several more months, years?. The bottom line is for you to take actions that will be best for you. No matter what action you take you will have lost something in your relationship with your husband. Life for me IS LOOKING AT WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT AND MAKING THE BEST OUT OF THAT. Do not expect fairness in life but adjust for your benefit.

 

In your case the question is not “to be or not to be” but Will your life be better with or without your husband? Take your time to come to a conclusion; six months is not enough time.

 

 

For you I would say keep working on your hurt and emotions. You can get rid of the anger and maybe even forgive. That would be for your benefit. Forgiveness is getting rid of the negative emotions that are keeping you from joy, IMO.

Thanks for this post. It was really thoughtful. I intend to continue to work on myself, I was in the process prior to the Dday because my illness took me down hard and I don't want to stay down. You are right there is a lot of good with us, however he has gotten really good at lying to me and I have zero trust for him now. My biggest reason for not wanting to reconcile is that nagging voice of will he do it again and when. Like I'm waiting for the next big blow to hit. I do however want to forgive regardless of our marital status. For me, for him and our family.