Being genuine versus being false.

[JuneJulySeptember]

If you want to be more interesting to women, then you first have to pick a demographic of women you want to be more interesting to.

 

I know a friend of a friend who lives in Willamsburg, Brooklyn and he's Mr. Hipster. He's got an art related job, goes to Burning Man every year, travels to exotic countries and picks up the culture, does yoga and spiritual stuff, etc.

 

Being like that would appeal to a relatively broad range of women. And yes, women love him, both as a romantic interest and as a, as women would say ... super cool BFF ...

 

And yes, a lot of people spend a lot of their lives doing activities that will make them more likeable to people.

 

I'll tell you what isn't conducive to making women or any person on this Earth like you any better ... and that is watching and following college basketball. Nothing could be more worthless as a interest or conversation topic in a social sense. At least football and baseball, some women watch and follow somewhat. But I love it. And I'm lucky, my girlfriend allows me to continue to love it. At least so far.

Edited February 10, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[ZA Dater]

If you want to be more interesting to women, then you first have to pick a demographic of women you want to be more interesting to.

 

I know a friend of a friend who lives in Willamsburg, Brooklyn and he's Mr. Hipster. He's got an art related job, goes to Burning Man every year, travels to exotic countries and picks up the culture, does yoga and spiritual stuff, etc.

 

Being like that would appeal to a relatively broad range of women. And yes, women love him, both as a romantic interest and as a, as women would say ... super cool BFF ...

 

And yes, a lot of people spend a lot of their lives doing activities that will make them more likeable to people.

 

I'll tell you what isn't conducive to making women or any person on this Earth like you any better ... and that is watching and following college basketball. Nothing could be more worthless as a interest or conversation topic in a social sense. At least football and baseball, some women watch and follow somewhat. But I love it. And I'm lucky, my girlfriend allows me to continue to love it. At least so far.

 

1: I know people like that and they never seem to want for female attention, a friend of mine is like that to a degree.

 

2: I wont ever understand this or the logic behind doing something for any other reason than you actually want to do it. I tried going to clubs and bars in the hope it would make me more normal and likeable, it didn't. I guess a vast majority of people do it so perhaps I am wrong.

 

Perhaps genuinely when it came to having the ability to learn how to flirt ad how to charm people I either wasn't in the lesson or never got the lesson because I all honesty I am totally useless at either hence the thought that I need to try build something else conversation wise.

 

If I think back to the meet ups with people which went the best it was always a person who could actually "get" me and we were able to converse for ages with time seemingly not a factor. The ultimate problem is people cannot relate to me and often me not to them, there just being nothing to talk about.

 

The more I think about interaction with potential dates the more I think its just generic with most people, objectively what makes person A more successful than me, nothing really barring the inexperience they don't project and their ability to charm and make people laugh. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have made a girl laugh.

 

I don't know really, this seems like a whole lot of effort for extremely little reward, more often than not that "reward" being a metaphorical kick in the face.

 

Perhaps the worst for me is when I hear garbage like this, designed to make me feel better but completely devoid of truth or sincerity "you are a great guy, with confidence and an mind set change you could have lots of girls"

[ZA Dater]

Wow. So many great topics - I could talk to you for hours.

 

Question is, could you also take interest in me?

 

Truthfully I think the part of me which takes an interest in actually wanting to date is disappearing, sure I hold onto the idea but with each day, each new FB status "Married/engaged/pregnant" I feel more and more left behind and out of step, at nearly 33 you shouldn't have never had a relationship.

 

I guess like most who walk this planet I hold onto some form of ideal, the hope someone would take an interest in me, the hope I would like them but increasingly I am having to realise that is unlikely to happen and perhaps the solace I am looking for can be found in material things, I enjoy books (when I get time to read), bonsai but ever since I was a kid I never really had friends.

[basil67]

Truthfully I think the part of me which takes an interest in actually wanting to date is disappearing, sure I hold onto the idea but with each day, each new FB status "Married/engaged/pregnant" I feel more and more left behind and out of step, at nearly 33 you shouldn't have never had a relationship.

 

I guess like most who walk this planet I hold onto some form of ideal, the hope someone would take an interest in me, the hope I would like them but increasingly I am having to realise that is unlikely to happen and perhaps the solace I am looking for can be found in material things, I enjoy books (when I get time to read), bonsai but ever since I was a kid I never really had friends.

 

What about the part of you which simply wishes to connect with people?

[GemmaUK]

I don't laugh but I can sometimes get others to laugh, my humour is of the rather dry kind.

 

 

You don't laugh? What, never?

How do you convey then that you find things funny/amusing?

 

How's it going with practicing smiling ZA?

I recall you said you never smile and you were making efforts to smile at people some time ago.

 

On topic being genuine outweighs being false as true you will only come out sooner or later. True you can always be improved upon though - eg by smiling or letting yourself laugh.

[ZA Dater]

What about the part of you which simply wishes to connect with people?

 

Sure but how often do I really connect with people, it is easier with guys to have a conversation but even then the limitations appear when the topic turns to girls, clubs, and who is hooking up with who.

 

There are days when I would love to connect and truthfully its probably the biggest thing I lack in life.

 

I use other things to try and counter balance this.

[coolheadal]

This happen to me 2 weeks ago at a friends party. There was a women talking and gave in my two cents. I guess she was very interested in what I had to say because in a few days on Facebook I get a private message. It was her she found me on Facebook. Like I said everything happens for a reason. I have taken her out 3 times. Last time holding hands in the park that was closed but someone the gates was open for us. Very wonderful feeling. But in all good stories they do come to end. I just saying I am not looking for perfection I am very good looking, charming traits but I tend to attract the wrong type of woman like a magnet. But I don't settle for anything less that what I looking for. If it happens it happens. I try not to be fake in person. Online same but I can't speak for others they all text to lie to me. I keep searching until someone connects on the same level. It is better to be yourself than to be something your not. I find a lot lie about they're true age and hide that fact in their pictures.

[elaine567]

If anything, this thread re-affirmed that I must simply just be me and honest about that rather than try and construct some elaborate half truth.

 

OK, true to an extent but if you have been viewed as "cold and charmless" then that is not attractive and as your list of requirements is pretty long anyway, then the needle in a haystack just became the needle in the whole farm.

No-one would suggest you become the party guy who has witty one-liner or a joke for every situation and who can charm the whole room just with his presence, but "cold and charmless" really needs worked upon.

You cannot just let that slide, you need to actively do something about that.

 

...my humour is of the rather dry kind.

Dry humour can be hilarious in a familiar setting with people who know you, but dry humour can come across very badly in situations where a person has no idea of who you really are and blunt/sarcastic "jokes" can be taken at face value and taken very seriously.

You take a big risk with that kind of humour and as you never smile either to give a hint of your true intention, then you may come across as an unfeeling, sarcastic, arrogant jerk, when in reality it was just a "joke" and not meant to be taken literally.

Some women will still smile sweetly despite being offended and not happy, but given the chance of a second date, they will decline.

That is why humour amongst those you don't know well needs to be light, cheesy and corny, lots of laughing and obvious "safe" jokes, otherwise the wires can get badly crossed.

AND that is why some will bring up a TV show or a comedian or a movie, to illustrate their sense of humour. Once that is established and mutually agreed upon then it is OK to push into a dark, or quirky or silly or raunchy, or even a slapstick sense of humour as they then know that style of humour will be appreciated by both.

Who or what makes you laugh?

[ZA Dater]

You don't laugh? What, never?

How do you convey then that you find things funny/amusing?

 

How's it going with practicing smiling ZA?

I recall you said you never smile and you were making efforts to smile at people some time ago.

 

On topic being genuine outweighs being false as true you will only come out sooner or later. True you can always be improved upon though - eg by smiling or letting yourself laugh.

 

I don't laugh often no, I am best described as serious...which probably doesn't help my cause at all.

 

As for smiling, yes I have been trying it, generally speaking with no specific aim in mind. I have an important event next weekend so I will be doing it quite a bit...hopefully.

 

Sure, I think everyone can improve and I do strive to but a lot of the issue is the shell I live in, if I were an outgoing guy with loads of friends I am sure I could do a lot better relationship wise (cant do worse it has to be said) and I cant really see any way of solving this, its a confidence issue for the most part which I thought might be solved by trying to talk up things a bit.

 

The reality of it is I exist in some sort of niche, those who are fond of me often describe me as "amazing" the number of these people are precisely three but they know me well over a space of years. Perhaps though I sell myself short because one thing I have never lacked in life is respect, I earn that easily.

 

Which is perhaps a silver lining on a dark cloud.

[ZA Dater]

OK, true to an extent but if you have been viewed as "cold and charmless" then that is not attractive and as your list of requirements is pretty long anyway, then the needle in a haystack just became the needle in the whole farm.

No-one would suggest you become the party guy who has witty one-liner or a joke for every situation and who can charm the whole room just with his presence, but "cold and charmless" really needs worked upon.

You cannot just let that slide, you need to actively do something about that.

 

Dry humour can be hilarious in a familiar setting with people who know you, but dry humour can come across very badly in situations where a person has no idea of who you really are and blunt/sarcastic "jokes" can be taken at face value and taken very seriously.

You take a big risk with that kind of humour and as you never smile either to give a hint of your true intention, then you may come across as an unfeeling, sarcastic, arrogant jerk, when in reality it was just a "joke" and not meant to be taken literally.

Some women will still smile sweetly despite being offended and not happy, but given the chance of a second date, they will decline.

That is why humour amongst those you don't know well needs to be light, cheesy and corny, lots of laughing and obvious "safe" jokes, otherwise the wires can get badly crossed.

AND that is why some will bring up a TV show or a comedian or a movie, to illustrate their sense of humour. Once that is established and mutually agreed upon then it is OK to push into a dark, or quirky or silly or raunchy, or even a slapstick sense of humour as they then know that style of humour will be appreciated by both.

Who or what makes you laugh?

 

Well I have been told "I have no personality" so I guess that amounts to the same thing as cold and charmless. I try I really do but eventually the limitations of conversation are reached and then it just doesn't work beyond that.

 

I can get passed charmless by trying to bring more of me out, which I can sometimes do, sometimes I cant, add to the fact I have a deep voice and its quite easy to see the variables don't really add up well for me.

 

Unfeeling and sarcastic are two words I have heard before. Again though this dry humour is the only humour I know, sure I can mix in current affairs and make fun of abc but that relies on the person knowing who I am talking about. Too often that doesn't happen because people are poorly informed so the joke goes over their head completely.

 

For example I will bring up The Daily Show but the effect is lost because

1: Most here have no interest in US politics

2: People don't generally watch that here.

 

Top Gear makes me laugh, The Grand Tour makes me laugh. But I cant make anyone laugh! Most of what Jerry Seinfeld does can make me laugh.

 

In truth though where I am in life doesn't make me laugh, it just makes me wish I had perhaps one amazing dating experience to look back on and I know next Tuesday this is going to be driven home like a stake through the eye.

[Jj66]

I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have made a girl laugh.

 

Oh my.

 

I wonder if there is such a thing as charm school for 35 year old men.

 

I don't know if there was a time when I didn't make a girl laugh. I'm not a comedian but quick wit is part of my charm.

[ZA Dater]

Oh my.

 

I wonder if there is such a thing as charm school for 35 year old men.

 

I don't know if there was a time when I didn't make a girl laugh. I'm not a comedian but quick wit is part of my charm.

 

Which is probably why you enjoy considerably more success than I do. I wont lie it is seemingly quite important to make ladies laugh. Even when I have by some miracle accomplished the result is much the same.

[elaine567]

Which is probably why you enjoy considerably more success than I do. I wont lie it is seemingly quite important to make ladies laugh. Even when I have by some miracle accomplished the result is much the same.

 

Most people like fun.

People want to have a good time on a date, in a relationship, in their marriage, in their life... so there has to be some laughing involved.

Life is hard enough without getting involved with a person who cannot ever make you laugh.

If a person, male or female cannot make you laugh when single, happy and carefree, how are they going to keep your spirits up when life goes pear-shaped?

Laughter bonds people together, it gets them through tough times. It defuses tense situations and makes life bearable when things go wrong.

[ZA Dater]

Most people like fun.

People want to have a good time on a date, in a relationship, in their marriage, in their life... so there has to be some laughing involved.

Life is hard enough without getting involved with a person who cannot ever make you laugh.

If a person, male or female cannot make you laugh when single, happy and carefree, how are they going to keep your spirits up when life goes pear-shaped?

Laughter bonds people together, it gets them through tough times. It defuses tense situations and makes life bearable when things go wrong.

 

I think for the majority that's true. For me when life is hard I go for a run, go cycling, sit and write something.

 

I have always thought the support of someone else is enough to get through tough times (if you need it), knowing that person is there for you and you can talk to them at any time.

 

Looks, I am probably totally wrong with all of this but it is my perspective and I accept it may be flawed but take it from whence it comes, someone who is just a loner and has adapted to that to some degree.

[ZA Dater]

Most people like fun.

 

No argument there. None at all.

 

I am just not fun in the eyes of most which again brings me back to this: you can put on a façade of fun if you try hard enough.

 

I don't self deprecate but I am outwardly realistic

: I am not fun

: I am shy

: I am not outgoing

: I don't drink

: I am not experienced

: I don't have lots of friends.

: I am not model

: While successful I am not super successful

 

So, when I see someone attractive or meet someone I pretty much run through the list above and decide its simply not worth it as the chance of success are zero from the outset.

 

This pretty much sums up me and answers all questions why I haven't ever had a gf.

[Sweetfish]

No argument there. None at all.

 

I am just not fun in the eyes of most which again brings me back to this: you can put on a façade of fun if you try hard enough.

 

I don't self deprecate but I am outwardly realistic

: I am not fun

: I am shy

: I am not outgoing

: I don't drink

: I am not experienced

: I don't have lots of friends.

: I am not model

: While successful I am not super successful

 

So, when I see someone attractive or meet someone I pretty much run through the list above and decide its simply not worth it as the chance of success are zero from the outset.

 

This pretty much sums up me and answers all questions why I haven't ever had a gf.

 

 

You want the harsh truth.

 

If you stay genuine and true to your self you will not get a girlfriend or get laid or whatever you desire. Let me rephrase that.. You may get a girlfriend and you may get laid, it will just be much harder.

 

If you create a false character... you may attracted people and you may get a girlfriend or laid... But your true self will bleed thru your fake character and relationships will slip thru your fingers.

 

Or... just like you went thru the other obstacles in your life you can learn to engage with people better and learn social cues and enhance your self... So in reality consider your self a peacock without feathers... Some how your going to have to survive without the feathers and find an alternative to achieve what you want.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Which is probably why you enjoy considerably more success than I do. I wont lie it is seemingly quite important to make ladies laugh. Even when I have by some miracle accomplished the result is much the same.

 

Don't be such a tool.

 

Everybody has a sense of humor. I work in engineering. Everybody has a sense of humor.

 

I actually honestly find typical extroverts who always have anecdotes and jokes to be kind of annoying, though my usual philosophy is "If somebody is telling a story or joke, give them the courtesy to listen."

 

That's the problem with being a struggling dude. You have problems with women, and some random person on an online forum tells you that you are 'boring', 'bitter', or 'a douchebag' and you start to believe it. If that is even what you are.

 

Seriously, what is the deal with these vague, circular logic threads/posts dude? I can't figure what is more maddening. The fact that you continue to post them, or the fact that we keep wanting to answer them.

Edited February 10, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[ZA Dater]

You want the harsh truth.

 

If you stay genuine and true to your self you will not get a girlfriend or get laid or whatever you desire. Let me rephrase that.. You may get a girlfriend and you may get laid, it will just be much harder.

 

If you create a false character... you may attracted people and you may get a girlfriend or laid... But your true self will bleed thru your fake character and relationships will slip thru your fingers.

 

Or... just like you went thru the other obstacles in your life you can learn to engage with people better and learn social cues and enhance your self... So in reality consider your self a peacock without feathers... Some how your going to have to survive without the feathers and find an alternative to achieve what you want.

 

 

Alternative must be honest that seems like a good idea at the moment I am just filling my life with work, writing, events and projects, all in the name of trying to fill that void I have. Of course there are those I do genuinely care about.

 

 

Its just so hard to go out and everywhere I turn there are couples, my friend finds it so easy and I keep getting told how easy it is but for me its never been easy. Eventually I end up feeling so down and I try and avoid this by just taking on of the abovementioned, am hoping to get published in an international magazine this year. Sure, it doesn't matter to anyone else and wont win me any brownie points because the deficiencies I have cant be overcome with achievements. The effect is magnified when people ask me "have you found a girlfriend yet".

 

 

At least I know being me isn't such a bad thing and better than trying to be someone I am not in the futile hope I can cover up all the deficiencies I have.

[ZA Dater]

That's the problem with being a struggling dude. You have problems with women, and some random person on an online forum tells you that you are 'boring', 'bitter', or 'a douchebag' and you start to believe it. If that is even what you are.

 

Trust me I don't need an online forum to tell me that, I am intelligent enough to realise I don't really appeal to anyone I find remotely interesting, sure I could go and find someone for the sake of it but why if they aren't what I want.

 

 

At the moment the balance of scales means there is enough positive to try and cloud out the things I don't have but its a very delicate balance at best.

 

 

Yes, you are right, tell yourself something often enough and eventually you will believe it.

[GemmaUK]

I'm just going to be really blunt here.

I find it quite strange that you don't often smile and don't laugh.

 

You do know that dry humour does not come over as humour without a smile/laugh & maybe a wink as well don't you?

 

My humour is pretty dry also and I adore sarcasm but I can't - simply can't do it without a smile or a laugh or pretending to run off scared in a playful way - if I didn't do any of those things it would come off as offensive - often deeply offensive to people - I wouldn't want that AT ALL!!!

I take the mick out of people I love - friends. colleagues, family - whoever - but I know them well enough and know they know me. I may shock them sometimes but done with a giggle they absolutely without a doubt know I just found a funny, offensive (but never personal) line to shoot at them.

 

My aim is to make a connection and to make them laugh and realise I am cheeky. I can also take the same in return - this is what I am displaying with these folk. Lucky for me they do come right back - and I love it! It makes life a lot of fun.

 

There is another level also - just 'safe' banter.

I had two incidents yesterday:

I work in a building where the customers come to our building - often from the UK, often from anywhere.

So, I had popped outside. It was snowing lightly but snowing, not settling.

A customer walked out of the building and looked at the weather.

We exchanged a glance and I said 'Yep! It's snowing!'

Him: Nooo! My flight home will get cancelled!!!

We were both laughing/grinning.

Me: It's OK, it's not settling - your flight will be fine.

Him: There's always a 'might'

Me: You'll be OK, if the snow lands, stays and is 1cm thick then....

and he finished my sentence ..

Him: Then the whole country comes to a total standstill!!!

Me: Oh yeah!!!! It totally does!!!

 

We formed a brief connection which was fun and smiley. It made my day brighter and likely his also - it wasn't just for my benefit - I attempted to cheer him up upon seeing his face faced with snow falling - it worked.

The snow didn't settle and his flight home would no doubt have been fine.

 

I popped to a supermarket after work and before in in the queue was a family of three. Mum, girl of around 10 and a boy around 7.

Mum put all the groceries on the conveyor and Mum and Daughter moved to the packing end.

The Son stayed this side of the till and handed each item to the cashier. On the other side the Daughter was passing the items to Mum to pack.

I stood watching. I glanced at Mum who looked a little apologetic to be honest.

I actually thought the boy was sweet so I spoke up (with a big smile) and said 'Hey! You have a great team going here!! You are one lucky Mum!'

She laughed, I asked if this was how they always are or whether it was for 'show' in public - she grinned and winked at me.

I saw her awkwardness over it taking a little bit longer and basically told her it was all good and was nice to see.

 

So yesterday I made me smile and have a laugh but also touched a couple of other folk - just for the hell of being friendly.

 

If you only smile when you find someone attractive then it's a real shame and actually pretty selfish IMO.

Be selfless - make someone else's day.

Life isn't all about you .

The benefits you get and feel from being kind, forgiving, having a joke and banter with a stranger are worth every single penny.

 

ETA: And the above are the kind of things you need to know before dating - dating is a lot about teasing - flirting basically.

If you don't have 'banter' cracked then you won't be able to flirt.

Flirting is one of the things that starts relationships but also keeps relationships alive.

Edited February 11, 2017 by GemmaUK

[ZA Dater]

I'm just going to be really blunt here.

I find it quite strange that you don't often smile and don't laugh.

 

You do know that dry humour does not come over as humour without a smile/laugh & maybe a wink as well don't you?

 

My humour is pretty dry also and I adore sarcasm but I can't - simply can't do it without a smile or a laugh or pretending to run off scared in a playful way - if I didn't do any of those things it would come off as offensive - often deeply offensive to people - I wouldn't want that AT ALL!!!

I take the mick out of people I love - friends. colleagues, family - whoever - but I know them well enough and know they know me. I may shock them sometimes but done with a giggle they absolutely without a doubt know I just found a funny, offensive (but never personal) line to shoot at them.

 

My aim is to make a connection and to make them laugh and realise I am cheeky. I can also take the same in return - this is what I am displaying with these folk. Lucky for me they do come right back - and I love it! It makes life a lot of fun.

 

There is another level also - just 'safe' banter.

I had two incidents yesterday:

I work in a building where the customers come to our building - often from the UK, often from anywhere.

So, I had popped outside. It was snowing lightly but snowing, not settling.

A customer walked out of the building and looked at the weather.

We exchanged a glance and I said 'Yep! It's snowing!'

Him: Nooo! My flight home will get cancelled!!!

We were both laughing/grinning.

Me: It's OK, it's not settling - your flight will be fine.

Him: There's always a 'might'

Me: You'll be OK, if the snow lands, stays and is 1cm thick then....

and he finished my sentence ..

Him: Then the whole country comes to a total standstill!!!

Me: Oh yeah!!!! It totally does!!!

 

We formed a brief connection which was fun and smiley. It made my day brighter and likely his also - it wasn't just for my benefit - I attempted to cheer him up upon seeing his face faced with snow falling - it worked.

The snow didn't settle and his flight home would no doubt have been fine.

 

I popped to a supermarket after work and before in in the queue was a family of three. Mum, girl of around 10 and a boy around 7.

Mum put all the groceries on the conveyor and Mum and Daughter moved to the packing end.

The Son stayed this side of the till and handed each item to the cashier. On the other side the Daughter was passing the items to Mum to pack.

I stood watching. I glanced at Mum who looked a little apologetic to be honest.

I actually thought the boy was sweet so I spoke up (with a big smile) and said 'Hey! You have a great team going here!! You are one lucky Mum!'

She laughed, I asked if this was how they always are or whether it was for 'show' in public - she grinned and winked at me.

I saw her awkwardness over it taking a little bit longer and basically told her it was all good and was nice to see.

 

So yesterday I made me smile and have a laugh but also touched a couple of other folk - just for the hell of being friendly.

 

If you only smile when you find someone attractive then it's a real shame and actually pretty selfish IMO.

Be selfless - make someone else's day.

Life isn't all about you .

The benefits you get and feel from being kind, forgiving, having a joke and banter with a stranger are worth every single penny.

 

ETA: And the above are the kind of things you need to know before dating - dating is a lot about teasing - flirting basically.

If you don't have 'banter' cracked then you won't be able to flirt.

Flirting is one of the things that starts relationships but also keeps relationships alive.

 

I do try that from time to time but for the majority of the time I just mind my own business and get done what I need to get done. Yes, I can be friendly but I don't go out of my way to talk to random people because I just come off as awkward each time I do and I then get that strange look that says "who are you". Where is live isn't really the friendliest place you will ever come across, I see this often, tourists are super friendly, local not so much.

 

 

I don't have banter by any stretch which is probably why I cant flirt, which is probably why I cant date. Maybe its a knock on effect.

 

 

At least window shopping costs nothing, even if I feel totally anonymous most of the time, me at the market on my own and everyone else with friends. You learn to deal with this but you never really feel good about it.

 

 

As an aside I have the ability to deliver this dry humour very matter of fact and with a deadpan look on my face so yes sure people probably take me too seriously.

[Sweetfish]

I do try that from time to time but for the majority of the time I just mind my own business and get done what I need to get done. Yes, I can be friendly but I don't go out of my way to talk to random people because I just come off as awkward each time I do and I then get that strange look that says "who are you". Where is live isn't really the friendliest place you will ever come across, I see this often, tourists are super friendly, local not so much.

 

 

I don't have banter by any stretch which is probably why I cant flirt, which is probably why I cant date. Maybe its a knock on effect.

 

 

At least window shopping costs nothing, even if I feel totally anonymous most of the time, me at the market on my own and everyone else with friends. You learn to deal with this but you never really feel good about it.

 

 

As an aside I have the ability to deliver this dry humour very matter of fact and with a deadpan look on my face so yes sure people probably take me too seriously.

 

 

You simply had a life were you relied on your self. Im an introvert and sometimes I can just appear to be lost or dead-pan because im crunching events or data in my head. Thinking about a past incident.

 

If you didn't grow up following societies norms... you will have trouble connecting with people.. specially women. I think you knew from a long time you were a "black" sheep and I think you kinda need to just accept your different and feel comfortable in your skin and embrace you uniqueness in a positive way and that's when people will gravitate towards you.

 

I actually like being my own self and doing my own thing and I have girlfriends and if they like my life they can stay and if they don't: The door is right there. However, as they cross my life it will be fun and fulfilling and they will be treated with the most respect and once that respect is broken between us no hard feelings

[GemmaUK]

I do try that from time to time but for the majority of the time I just mind my own business and get done what I need to get done. Yes, I can be friendly but I don't go out of my way to talk to random people because I just come off as awkward each time I do and I then get that strange look that says "who are you". Where is live isn't really the friendliest place you will ever come across, I see this often, tourists are super friendly, local not so much.

 

 

I don't have banter by any stretch which is probably why I cant flirt, which is probably why I cant date. Maybe its a knock on effect.

 

 

At least window shopping costs nothing, even if I feel totally anonymous most of the time, me at the market on my own and everyone else with friends. You learn to deal with this but you never really feel good about it.

 

 

As an aside I have the ability to deliver this dry humour very matter of fact and with a deadpan look on my face so yes sure people probably take me too seriously.

 

Banter isn't something anyone is born with. It's a risk you take - trial and error.

It's a thing you learn -same as reading people's body language and facial expressions.

Without my own reading of those people's expressions they would have looked at me like I was odd when I spoke to them - equally I would not have said anything had they not given those expressions and glanced at me.

 

You learnt to drive and race a car, you learnt to write and well enough to be getting published. Maybe people are just not interesting enough to you for you to learn the basics of human interaction.

Put the effort in and you would get rewards but you seem uninterested in putting any effort in really.

 

The thing is nothing I'm trying to explain here is being fake it's just normal personal self growth which people use and learn new things about every day.

I don't wish to offend but it sorta sounds like you are so self absorbed but yet expect the woman of your dreams to fall in your lap and accept your lack of much character/spirit.

[ZA Dater]

Maybe people are just not interesting enough to you for you to learn the basics of human interaction.

Put the effort in and you would get rewards but you seem uninterested in putting any effort in really.

 

I don't wish to offend but it sorta sounds like you are so self absorbed but yet expect the woman of your dreams to fall in your lap and accept your lack of much character/spirit.

 

Don't worry I am not offended

 

 

I have to be honest I find very few people interesting, most are all fundamentally the same (this is probably being cynical). How would you suggest I put the effort in? I talk to people but never really connect because there is nothing common to connect over.

 

 

Last night I decided to go out with a friend of mine and yes there were innumerable ladies in short black dresses, most looked great and part of me says "talk to her" but then I just remember I don't drink, dance or do any of the things people do in clubs. So I just let the idea pass by.

 

 

As someone said people want fun and with the biggest of respect to myself I am not a fun person and I never have been.

 

 

I haven't ever seen many rewards with I have put my foot into the water, nothing measurable anyway.

 

 

Don't worry I am not expecting to meet anyone nice anytime soon, so that expectation simply isn't there. I do decry the fact I get severely judged because I don't fit in but that's my own problem I guess.

 

 

Maybe one day I will go out and try chat to someone and pretend I am tourist, perhaps that will work better.

 

 

But then I am not fun so.

[elaine567]

Last night I decided to go out with a friend of mine and yes there were innumerable ladies in short black dresses, most looked great and part of me says "talk to her" but then I just remember I don't drink, dance or do any of the things people do in clubs. So I just let the idea pass by.

 

What people do in clubs is all perfectly doable for you too.

YOU don't need to drink everyone under the table or dance like a male stripper or act like a gigolo or charm all the ladies like a leading man, all you need to do is to do enough to fit in.

 

You are not stupid, but what you want to do is not "natural" to you, so you need to do some studying and some work here, you need a plan and you then need to execute it. Nothing has come "natural" to you, it doesn't come natural to most other people either, but they work on on it and it becomes second nature.

 

The world does not revolve around you. You think you are so awkward and your faults and flaw are soooo obvious to everyone, but the truth is most people will not even notice.

YOU have to get out of that shell you keep disappearing into and actually do something. Have a drink, learn to dance, be sociable with all sorts of different people, learn to have fun and relax.

 

YOU can't rely on some gorgeous woman to swoop in and put up with all your peccadilloes and "save" you.

You will wait forever.