Married to man but can't stop thinking about my first love (a female) from school

[Lostlady38]

Hi

Have never ever posted on a forum before but I am really struggling and can't trust anyone enough to talk to with what feels like a huge problem for me.

 

At secondary school when I was 15/16 I became best friends with a girl...this girl was messed up..self harmed felt suicidal and was very attention seeking and lied a lot but I am the sort who like helping people and I really cared about her so I stuck by her..turns out I think this was all happening because she was struggling with her sexuality. And eventually she began having feelings for me I got freaked out and pushed her away every time she tried anything or said anything like that and she would go off and harm herself. I still cared about her and felt obliged to stick by her...eventually I started developing feelings for her and she had cut all of my other friends off somehow and we ended up in a proper relationship at 15.

Eventually we were both madly in love with each other and all.of that other **** didn't matter...she became more balanced. We had to keep it very secret and no one else ever knew

My parents wouldn't of accepted it. Eventually I went to college and she stayed on for further education at school our relationship kept going for a few months after this. But we were struggling with us each wanting our own social lives and found it hard to keep things going as we lived in different towns. But we still loved each other. But finally I felt free to pursue my heterosexual side which I thought I always had been until this girl anyway. I was completely straight before this girl and still am only attracted to men..this girl is just an acception.

So I enjoyed my new freedom and I decided to block this girl and put the whole thing behind me.

A year later my now husband came along it wasn't love at first sight but gradually I fell in love with him and we married 5 years later. We now have children and have been married 5 years.

Our marriage is ok but I feel like I am.not in love with him...but I do love him. Things are stressful with young children and my husband is such an impatient person with the shortest temper..there is a lot of shouting in our house. I don't feel happy at all at the moment in our marriage. He is rarely affectionate. I have spoken to him about his lack of affection and that he needs some anger management or something for his short fuse but nothing ever changes and he denies he has a problem.

 

For the last 6 months...since a dream about my first love from.school I have not been able to get her out of my head. I loved her so much but things at the time would just never of worked out. I have messaged her and we have spoken on the phone a few times recently... I have very strong feelings for her... I can't help but think if I hadn't tried to please my parents and family I would of tried to give things another go with this girl a couple of years after breaking up (she invited me to hers one night 2 years after but I declined but was tempted but was with my now husband)

I am not gay but this girl is so special to me....I just don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about her and wondering what my life would be like with her. We are supposed to be meeting up this weekend and I don't know if it's a good idea or not now as my feelings are so strong before I've even seen her (I haven't seen her in 13 years)

 

I feel like maybe I just put the blinkers on because I wanted a normal heterosexual life and desperately wanted kids and now my husband just isn't the guy I thought I'd married and I can't get my first love out of my thoughts.

 

Please help!!

[BluesPower]

Well, let's look at this...

 

So you are saying that you are not actually bi-sexual it is just that you have a deep love for this woman.

 

First, if you are having issues with worrying about being gay or bi, I really just would not. In this day and age a lot of people come out as bi-sexual.

 

That should not really be a concern.

 

What should be a concern is that if you go see her, you are going to have sex and then you will be in an affair. I have had enough affairs and have been the victim of them as well and I can tell you that it is a very tough place to go.

 

If your husband finds out he will not care that she is a woman. He will see it as cheating.

 

Do you love this woman enough to leave your husband and uproot your children to be with her?

 

The things that you are feeling in your marriage are totally normal at this point of life. If you want the keep your marriage you have to work on it and deal with the issues that are going on there.

 

I personally do not agree with the "Love" and "in love" distinction that a lot of people make. I know it is popular to say that and think that way, but I personally think it is a cop out.

 

You either actually love your husband or you don't. You may care for him, like him most of the time, you may be fond of him, but none of that is "LOVE".

 

So your choices are to have an affair with your first love, or put the work into the marriage. I as sure that the feelings you had as a girl will come back and the sex will be exciting and enjoyable, but you are still going to be cheating on your husband, marriage, and your children.

 

Is that what you want?

 

If you want to keep your marriage, you have to fight for it. It takes a lot of hard conversations and you have to be willing to walk away if you are going to save it.

 

So if your husband does not want to realize that he has an anger problem then you have to explain to him calmly, that if he does not get help with this issue, then you will file for divorce because you cannot live like this anymore.

 

As someone that has been through this it is common for men this age to go into work career mode and not deal with the stress properly. That stress turns to anger.

 

So you have to decide what you want to do? Stay married? Divorce? Or, have an affair and probably divorce?

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel like maybe I just put the blinkers on because I wanted a normal heterosexual life and desperately wanted kids and now my husband just isn't the guy I thought I'd married and I can't get my first love out of my thoughts.

 

The same sex aspect of your post is immaterial. There's a common template many cheaters - and those considering cheating - follow. At the first sign of serious problems in the relationship, they take the conflict-avoidant and selfish way out by assuming their first love/soulmate/special friend is the answer.

 

What they end with is all the existing marital issues with the added chaos and drama of an affair. Families are destroyed, relationships ruined, homes broken. You indeed have problems in your marriage. Resolving them first before considering other avenues allows you to honor the commitments you made and protect those you care about. Think long and hard about what you're doing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

You are bi sexual and still in love with a woman. I think it is time to tell your husband the truth and figure out what you are going to do about it.

[kvolm2016]

You mentioned that you have not seen her in 13 years but have spoken with her a few times recently. Neither of you are who you were 13 years ago. Has there been something in your recent conversations based on who she is now that has sparked your attraction? Or is your current attraction primarily based on the memories of your past relationship? And what do you hope to discover or gain from your upcoming meeting?

[Lostlady38]

Thankyou for all of your time responding.

Yes it has been 13 years since I last saw her. There is definitely still something there between us having spoken to her on the phone. But we were best friends and haven't changed that much in 13 years it's seemed...our lives have obviously taken different paths but I still feel a strong connection with her. But because we were also best friends and I had to cut her off to try and forget about her I guess that part (the friendship) I have still really missed so it's so nice just to be in touch for that reason but unfortunately the other feelings are also still there.

 

What I would love to gain from meeting her is to realise that I shouldn't be risking my marriage for this girl and that actually we didn't work out for a reason and never would work again and I would love for there to be no physical attraction at all anymore and to be able to either say goodbye to her for good (something I never said before I just blocked or to even be able to stay friends with her if the attraction really isn't there. And it would be happy days and this problem wouldn't exist anymore.

But despite hoping for this outcome I risk feeling even more for her....I would remain alcohol free for the meeting and we are meeting in a public place...I really am not wanting to cheat on my husband I just need to sort these feelings out once and for all whichever way it turns out I just need an answer for sure...I feel ill with stress and lack of sleep and not able to eat properly.

[Poutrew]

You are feeling sick for a reason. Even if you meet up with this woman in a public place, you will wind up having sex with her. Your justifications for the meet up are just that, justifications and rationalizations. Libido will take over and you will not be able to check into a cheap, rent by the hour motel, fast enough. Will you even be thinking about how you are treating your husband and family when you are in bed with this woman, and whilst you are having sex with her? Nope. I only hope that you wont keep stringing your man along. He isn't your pet... let him go so he can perhaps find a woman worthy of loving him for real...

[Lostlady38]

Poutrew...that was harsh but probably true. I do love my husband very much and so so want to feel in love with him again. I think it is me just getting itchy with the frustration of our routine and life feels boring. Hence why I started dreaming of my ex. But how do I get past thinking about this girl? My feelings feel so strong. I never ever thought I'd be capable of cheating I've been with my husband 11 years all together and not once has it crossed my mind. I was completely devoted! I wonder if it is just boredom or that he has changed so much and not really in a good way and that's making me rethink my decisions. I don't know I just know I'm really struggling and really want these feelings to go away but I don't know how. That is why I am on here...not to be made out to be a bad person...if I was a bad person I wouldn't be on here I would be off sleeping with my ex without a care the world!!

[Poutrew]

Harsh perhaps, but necessary in my opinion. You have a lot to loose, over just a 'feeling'. Your feeling, should you choose to act on it, is going to affect the lives of many people, not just your own. And, I can see how you have painted yourself into a corner... the most direct way to fight this feeling is to tell your husband, which is something you feel you cannot do. But, if you are facing an outcome which will be disastrous no matter which way you turn, I think you ought to bite the bullet and do what you should have done before you married: tell him. At least you will have chosen the honorable path. As far as you thinking your husband has changed over the years, could it be perhaps that you have changed and are no longer seeing things the way you once did? The only way to begin to come to grips with things is to tell the truth and accept responsibility for the outcome. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't know I just know I'm really struggling and really want these feelings to go away but I don't know how.

 

You deal with the feelings by working on this part first:

 

I wonder if it is just boredom or that he has changed so much and not really in a good way

 

Put the energy back into your marriage. Go to marriage counseling if necessary. Cut off all contact with this and/or any other previous lovers, act lovingly towards your spouse. Appreciate the family and life you've built together.

 

If all this fails, you can end your marriage and plan the next step. Once single, you can sleep with anyone from Amy Adams to Zac Efron, it's your choice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Noideanow]

I say act on the feeling to the benefit of everybody set your husband free (He has the chance to find a woman who truly loves him and is attracted to him) and show your kids that life is about being true to the heart and feelings afterall what Else have got in this World to guide our way// hunger and thirst and sensitivity to every feeling in your body and soul is what makes you survive and thrive to the benefit of those around you:cool:

[mightycpa]

I'm really struggling and really want these feelings to go away but I don't know how.

That's actually achievable. You need to feel these feelings until they hold no power over you any more. You need to pine over her, obsess over her, write letters declaring your love, etc.,etc.,etc., until you've exhausted that desire. At some point, you'll realize you are in love with a memory, not the person she is today. These feelings will subside, and they will never haunt you again.

 

The bad news is that the price of your love for this woman may have been the love you feel for your husband. You may never get that back.

[kvolm2016]

But despite hoping for this outcome I risk feeling even more for her....I would remain alcohol free for the meeting and we are meeting in a public place...I really am not wanting to cheat on my husband I just need to sort these feelings out once and for all whichever way it turns out I just need an answer for sure...I feel ill with stress and lack of sleep and not able to eat properly.

 

Smart of you to put some boundaries on first meeting with no alcohol and a public place. Probably normal that you are feeling anxious because it is a very uncertain situation. I wonder of some of the stress is due to feelings of guilt related to your husband?

[kvolm2016]

Want to talk about how your meet up went? Hope you came away from it feeling like you had some clarity and peace!

[Mr. Lucky]

Smart of you to put some boundaries on first meeting with no alcohol and a public place.

 

Want an easy boundary? Tell your husband about the meet-up. Better yet, take him with you ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

Poutrew...that was harsh but probably true. I do love my husband very much and so so want to feel in love with him again. I think it is me just getting itchy with the frustration of our routine and life feels boring. Hence why I started dreaming of my ex. But how do I get past thinking about this girl? My feelings feel so strong. I never ever thought I'd be capable of cheating I've been with my husband 11 years all together and not once has it crossed my mind. I was completely devoted! I wonder if it is just boredom or that he has changed so much and not really in a good way and that's making me rethink my decisions. I don't know I just know I'm really struggling and really want these feelings to go away but I don't know how. That is why I am on here...not to be made out to be a bad person...if I was a bad person I wouldn't be on here I would be off sleeping with my ex without a care the world!!

 

You're doing right in coming here with this. The answers you're getting may sound harsh but that's because when you're in a haze it's hard to see. So we're taking this illusion you have that is your ex and farting next to it. Maybe you still aren't out of the haze (emotional distance from hubby) but you know that that illusion will taste just like we're warning you it will. Like poop.

 

What I see for you is two things that can help:

1) honesty to your husband. You're scared of this and we get that. But excuses are excuses. Could be he'd

2) stop acting like a victim of your own emotions. If emotions controlled people I'd probably have committed murder every time I gotta do my taxes. No emotion lasts forever.

[NTV]

*could be he'd welcome you both and be happy to share you if you shared her. (Continued from fragment)

[smackie9]

Go meet your friend...if things are as they were when you left off, follow your happiness and tell your husband it's over. Get a lawyer and start the proceedings. There is noting worse in staying in a marriage with someone who is in denial.

[Miss Peach]

When things were bad in my marriage, I started thinking back fondly of exes. I really didn't care at all about getting back together with any of them and I decided against all of them for very valid reasons. It was just a distraction back to happier times before him. I wonder if that's what's happening to you. It might be nothing to do with her and everything to do with your situation with your XH.

 

I would recommend meeting her in public (and consider telling your husband or inviting him). There's a big chance she may not be all that is building in your head and that you realize it's just a distraction from the issues in your marriage.

 

You mention he has a temper and a few other things. Does he own that? Is he doing anything about it?

[Lostlady38]

I chose not to meet up with her.

Still can't stop thinking about her and have talked to her loads recently just as friends. But I'm finding it too hard and have asked her for us to have some space for a month which she understands and has agreed to.

[Lostlady38]

Miss peach. I think you are completely right. I wasn't thinking about her when I was about to get married I was so in love and happy with my husband. Have things improved in your marriage now?

Thanks

[Miss Peach]

Miss peach. I think you are completely right. I wasn't thinking about her when I was about to get married I was so in love and happy with my husband. Have things improved in your marriage now?

Thanks

 

I divorced my XH. I just couple get past how horribly he treated me and how unhealthy our relationship was. I developed really bad anxiety around him. Anger and jealousy were issues. That is why I was curious if he owned his anger issues and was going anything to correct that. Anger issues can be a downward spiral; especially if you are sensitive to people taking out anger on you as I am.

[kvolm2016]

I chose not to meet up with her.

Still can't stop thinking about her and have talked to her loads recently just as friends. But I'm finding it too hard and have asked her for us to have some space for a month which she understands and has agreed to.

 

If you want to talk about it, what was it that led you to the decision not to meet together with her? And during this month of no contact, what do you hope to sort out/determine for yourself?

[Lostlady38]

I knew the temptation would be too much and I really don't want to poison my marriage with guilt. I am hoping to get over my obsessive thoughts about her and to think much clearer about things and to hopefully realise that I can get over her again and be able to let go of her for good. But it's day 2 now and I'm already missing her. Any tips apart from keeping busy during no contact to try and help me through the it I would really appreciate it.

[kvolm2016]

Sorry if you already mentioned this and I missed it, but do you think talking with a counselor/therapist would help you to identify why these feelings have resurfaced so strongly and to help you work your way through them?