"A Mans Best Friend" - Secretive Husband

[1Nico7]

Hello, let me tell you a little back story on my husband and myself. my husband and I have been together for about a year now.

 

Previous to my marriage he was married for 5 years. They had two children within this time frame. His ex-wife and him divorced because she cheated, started drugs, and starting going back to her old ways.

 

Fast forward 7 years to when him and I started dating. I fell in love with him and his kids. I am personally unable to have children so the children were an honest to God gift that I cannot provide. The kids do not see their mother because she is physically abusive to them. We dated, during that time we met eachothers friends and family growing very close. Then got married. It was a small wedding, very quaint and romantic. It was between his family and mine. We shared vowes, celebrated and now we are here a year later.

 

During his time spent with his X-wife he befriended a couple. They soon divorced as well and my husband and the other wife remained friends. He tells me they were never romantic and I believe him. She says the same thing. She is not his type of woman (always at bars, flirting with anything she can, staying out late, not taking care of her kids). Originally, she was very kind to me. Coming over, dropping her kids off or bringing us food. But it seems lately I am very uncomfortable with her.

 

She calls him on the phone almost every day (it is always her calling him). He will answer and talk to her, she will blabber on for 20 or 30 minutes about her life. I get irritated but I try to remember their previous relationship , prior to myself.

 

I had began to talk to him about my concerns within her constant neediness of his attention. 1. Her not taking an interest in being my friend anymore. 2. Her trying to show me up, or tell me she knows my husband better than I. 3. He now forwards her call when he is around the family or myself but will talk to her any other time. 4. She will buy him things or ask to hang out with him with out myself. 5. When ever we do all hang out she will try and get very touchy with him, hanging on his neck or giving him an over exaggerated hug. Trying to pull him away from our conversation. ( here is the real kicker that keeps me up late at night.) 6. When we got married it was a small wedding, and pretty much only our family and close close friends were invited. (30 people.)

 

After I listed these things and tried to share how they made me feel towards this situation. AND towards her his response was, anger at me and told me that she was someone in her life who was always their for her and he doesn't want to burn that bridge. He said that she has always helped him raise his kids when I wasn't their. That he has known her a lot longer than me and he can trust her. He said he feels bad for her, considering the problems in her life and just wants to help her the way she helped him.

 

I stared at him in disbelief and I felt a fire rage inside of me. Now, instead of being angry at just her, I hated her. I was angry at my husband, and I knew exactly what game she was playing. I stopped sleeping well and I began to change. Instead of being bubbly and happy all the time I was quiet and thoughtful.

 

After the conversation didn't go the way I thought it would I attempted a different approach. I thought that maybe my body language wasn't enough. So I tried again. After one of our dates I spoke with him deeply and listened to him as well. I shared again my feelings and fears. Again, it left the night feeling with a presence of anger. Another date ruined.

 

Finally, I decided to write a letter. I topped the letter off with compliments of all the things I adore and appreciate about him. And with brevity I explained my uncomfortableness about the situation. I really thought this would work... again I was let down.

 

He folded the paper up, stuck it in his pocket and went outside. I waited and waited and before we fell asleep I asked him if I had angered him. He said, "yes." And that was my goodnight. I cried myself to sleep and when we got up he told me I was restless within the night. I know that means he was as well...

 

Our sex life is not strained (like at all) and he will buy me flowers. I make him dinner and we work very very well together. I know he loves me, I feel it. I know he does. I love him too. We write notes to each other and go on weekly Friday night dates. But this other woman's "friendship " with my husband is going to come to an end one day.

 

I find myself reading posts on the internet and crying because I am afraid of the road we are going down.

 

Please help. Solutions? Am I wrong about my feelings? What are some ways I can bring this to peace without having to become a dictator and demand he never speak to her again... or worst situation: answer his phone out of anger and tell that bitch off for myself.

[Space Ritual]

I have a perfect solution. Because there is no way around it. not one.

 

Get a divorce.

 

Your husband is carrying on at the minimum an Emotional Affair right under your nose. His actions suggest it is not only emotional but physical as well.

 

 

This one is a no brainer. If you want to live in constant anguish and remain with this jerkwad. be my guest. But you are fooling yourself if you think he will cut her out of your life just because you are married to him and you want him to.

 

He does not care. And he never will. So your best bet is to cut your losses.

 

Just remember that you didn't do anything wrong. This is all on your husband

[BluesPower]

To help you understand better...

 

At the very least, he was sleeping with her when him and his wife divorced.

 

I am not saying he was cheating on his wife, I suspect that it happened after the divorce. I am betting that he is sleeping with her right now. I am not a hundred percent sure about right now, but I say the odds are that they are sleeping together.

 

Your husband is dead wrong about the things that he said to you. You have every right to be concerned.

 

And please everyone, don't PM or post and say, "You don't know that!", or "Don't tell her that, you don't know!".

 

No I do not know. But how many times have I been wrong?

[PegNosePete]

What are some ways I can bring this to peace without having to become a dictator and demand he never speak to her again

You divorce him, and tell him he can do as he pleases and speak to whomever he pleases.