Anyone have to deal with BW spreading lies?

[winterkeep]

If you were the BW and an OW was slandering you the advice given here would be vastly different. If her claims are slanderous you do not have to put up with it, her behaviour is abusive and illegal and NO ONE should be treated in such a manner.

 

You wronged her but it doesn't make you a target who should just accept abuse for the rest of your life either (and yes, this is abusive behaviour regardless of the gender or circumstance of the perpetrator). Seek legal advice and have her issued with a cease and desist letter this isnt healthy for anyone.

[LivingWaterPlease]

The solution is to live in such a way that no one will believe what she's saying.

[angel.eyes]

Living her life in such a way that the ex-BW statements wouldn't be credible....like not cheating with the woman's ex-husband? Unfortunately, the horse fled the barn a long time ago on that one!

 

ETA:

OP, unfortunately some of her statements probably come from lies her ex-husband told her about you as he was trying to save his own reputation and make it look like it was all your fault...Just as I'm sure he's told you lies about her.

Edited February 7, 2017 by angel.eyes

[minimariah]

Try to lay out "the truth" to a few mutual friends?

 

there is no such thing as MUTUAL friends, post-divorce.. unless the divorce is SUPER amicable and even then - friends always have a much better relationship with ONE spouse. so that's a lesson #1: those are not YOUR friends.

 

Her issues are more the result of an untreated permanent emotional condition, but of course these events have surely worsened them and like I said, I have tremendous empathy for that

 

oh, stop.

 

you don't have empathy for her --- you're writing about her in an extremely patronizing way... in a -poor she, it's not her fault she's sick!... but GUISE! i feel bad for her, i really do! FOR REALLY REAL, pinky swear!!!"- way.

 

you're doing the same thing she's doing, your audience is anonymous - that's the only difference. you apparently know this woman inside and out because "you've seen proof! you've heard them talk...! you KNOW STUFF!" --- you want to slander her SO BAD but the need to present yourself as self-aware and with a bit of conscience (because you're socially conditioned that way) is bigger - just let it ALL go... yes, including those mutuals who keep being the BS's radio. yes, them. go and find yourself some new friends - that is the best advice you'll get.

Edited February 7, 2017 by minimariah

[cocorico]

there is no such thing as MUTUAL friends, post-divorce.. unless the divorce is SUPER amicable and even then - friends always have a much better relationship with ONE spouse. so that's a lesson #1: those are not YOUR friends.

 

 

Or, they're your friends but no longer hers, sincemtheyve seen how she's behaving. Which was what happened with our friends.

 

This woman has emotional problems. And she's clearly losing it. It's a matter of time before she exhausts their sympathy with her dramatics.

[minimariah]

Or, they're your friends but no longer hers...

 

that's obviously not the case here though - hence this thread.

 

This woman has emotional problems. And she's clearly losing it. It's a matter of time before she exhausts their sympathy with her dramatics.

 

i don't know these people - do you?

[elaine567]

YOU rode into her territory and stole her husband.

You now want her to bow out of her own territory as she makes you feel uncomfortable and insecure.

"I WON and she needs to recognise that and move on", is what you are basically saying.

BUT life often doesn't work that way. Feuds can last for centuries.

 

She cannot just forgive and forget, as what you did to HER was HUGE.

She wants you out of her territory and in reality she most likely wants you ridden out of town. She is obviously not prepared to just slink away and let you ride roughshod over her

Both of you are now fighting for the same space.

YOU may have won the husband but it is no longer really about him.

She is not prepared to have you take her place, so she is mobilising the troops against you. You may have stolen her husband but she is not prepared to let you steal her life too.

She is now rolling the big guns out.

 

She has the moral high ground and no matter how much you rage against her and try to say she is "insane", you will still be seen by many as the sneaky, conniving OW who broke up a marriage.

Any distress shown by her is thus seen as highly understandable.

Men are often "allowed" by the general society to trade in for a "better" model, "allowed" to cheat, they are even "allowed" to be cruel to the ex wife when they desert her, but women are "supposed" to be empathetic and caring.

Nothing empathetic and caring about a woman who is prepared to break up another woman's marriage*.

(* similar mentality exhibited when women kill, women are not "supposed" to kill, so any woman who does MUST be pure evil.)

 

"She seems OK BUT she is obviously a loose cannon, her boundaries are non-existent, she is a liar and a cheat, is she safe to leave around MY husband...?" is what many of those "mutual friends" will be thinking.

The wife is thus most likely preaching to the converted here.

 

Most are well aware of the hurt and emotional damage to the BW caused by an affair, so few "mutual friends" are going to be truly on your side in reality, whatever they may say to your face to keep the peace.

You may find the men want to remain friends with the husband, especially if he is viewed as a "good guy", so the wives/gfs will then tolerate you.

The only ones you may be able to truly recruit to your side, are the ones who never liked the wife in the first place, but even then, that doesn't mean they will necessarily want to be your bosom buddy.

 

My advice to you is to stay away from her and stay away from anyone else you think may be on her side too, as they will just pretend to be your friend and then relay the info back to her.

I am sure this is not really what you signed up for, but when people are very hurt by the actions of others, they tend to want to retaliate and others will join the throng to bash the "wrong doer" too..

It may or may not be exactly "fair", but it is often par for the course.

 

YOU need people who will take you as a couple at face value and not as a MM and his OW.

Therefore YOU need to find some new friends, cultivate a new circle, friends who do not know your history well, friends who do not know "the wife".

[wmacbride]

I'm guessing the op feels a shred of empathy for a human being whom she helped to hurt. As unpleasant a truth as that may be to some, it's the reality of the situation. Sure, the mm in this relationship could have found a difference ow, but he didn't. He chose the op, and the op chose to get involved.

 

In all honesty, in her situation, I find this ability to feel empathy a positive sign for her relationship, as it indicates she has engaged in personal emotional growth and accepts responsibility for her role, and she also places it on the head of her former mm, now full time relationship partner.

 

OP, you need to decide if this gossip is the hill you want to die on. If she's simply talking to your circle of friends and telling lies, your true friends won't believe her, and those who do aren't your true friends. Let it rest and as soon as the next interesting thing comes along, they'll stop talking about you.

 

I she's spreading gossip to your employer, etc., that is a different story. If that's the case, I would suggest you see a lawyer and discuss your situation and what your options are. they know the legalities, and can give you unbiased advice on what steps to take.

Edited February 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[gettingstronger]

Every storm runs out of rain- I would not try to set the record straight, it only amps up the drama- sounds like the one person that truly matters, your husband, is on your side-

[Furious]

Ha, I know, I did bury the lead about her own affair, and it's because I don't think she deserves all this to happen just because she was a shltty wife in some ways. I'm very wary of even unconsciously trying to use her affair to justify our own actions. Yet clearly it bothers me that she's "getting away with it" so to speak, at least in the court of public opinion. But I need to let that go. Thanks again kg. I do need to be reminded that the world is not fair, especially when it's in reaction to my own very unfair and cruel decisions.

 

That must be frustrating because the betrayed wife's former cheating is something you really can't condemn because you cheated on your own husband too.

 

Seems as though it's a very complicated situation.

[Birdies]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

 

Yes she has some long term untreated emotional problems that are causing her to exaggerate this story well past any sembalance of the truth into slander territory (accusing me and MM of some heinous and illegal things) - but as I've said, I do understand that that's part of the shltstorm one gets when one involves the self with a married person and helps to hurt the other spouse.

 

Yes I feel a tremendous amount of empathy for her, and I don't really care who here believes that or not. If I didn't, I wouldn't be asking these questions, because I would have already long ago tried to correct the lies as well as spread the news of her own affair. Instead, I have been consistently trying to be the bigger person (never to late to start, right?) and not wade into the mess. If her way of coping with this horrible situation is to actively try to poison the well with not just the facts, which would be plenty sufficient, but also a bunch of pretty horrendous lies, then I've tried to let that go and hope it helps her move on. (Again, frankly I don't care if you all don't believe that and think I'm some heartless witch, as the OP is often stereotyped. In reality, we humans are complicated beings who hurt people and also feel remorse for it.)

 

No I don't believe anyone can "steal" a husband, which is why I use that terminology in quotation marks.

 

Anyway, I appreciate the advice to just rise above it and not wade into the drama. Luckily this isn't anything that would greater my employment (although there was a concerted effort for a while) or safety, so it's probably best to just ignore. The overlap of friends is fairly narrow so whatever.

 

Thanks all.

[Birdies]

That must be frustrating because the betrayed wife's former cheating is something you really can't condemn because you cheated on your own husband too.

 

Seems as though it's a very complicated situation.

 

I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic or sincere, but yes, it's complicated. I am not the spokesperson for infidelity. I think it's cruel and selfish, and hurting my exH in that way is by far the worst thing I've ever done, and I so wish I could undo that harm done to him. So yes, I also think it's cruel and wrong of her to have cheated on him and then deny / minimize / rugsweep it, and I judge her harshly for it, as I judge myself and the MM harshly. But yes - obviously not standing on a pillar of moral high ground here....

[Birdies]

If she tells people you're the devil incarnate or a clingy idiot, those aren't liesu, they're matters of opinion that can't be proved true or false. Otoh. If she says that you tortured a golden retriever puppy on Tuesday and also wear compression hose to bed, then those would be lies if not true. What exactly is she saying that you object to? Is it factual lies or just expressing opinions about you?

 

Yes, it's more of the tortured a puppy variety. As I've said, clearly she's welcome to tell people I'm a home wrecking whore because, well, I have been. The lies are serious accusations of illegal, really wrong things and are directed at both MM and me. Because the truth wasn't dramatic enough I guess! (Sorry, don't want to get into identifying details.)

Edited February 7, 2017 by Birdies

[SoleMate]

So, what would you do? Try to lay out "the truth" to a few mutual friends? Or just let it go?

It totally depends on exactly what was said, and whether it was true or not. Let me give examples:

 

BW said, "OP tortured puppies" and it's false. --> More than one report of this, I'd be talking to a lawyer about defamation.

BW said, "OP is a homewrecking whore". That's an opinion as 'whore' is clearly used as a generic pejorative. --> Ignore

BW said, "OP had sex with my husband." and it's true. --> Ignore

BW said, "OP has had sex with half the men in town." and it's false. --> Ignore or lawyer, depending on how credible and insistent BW appears to be.

etc.

 

The above answers all seem to come readily easily, which is why I'm still scratching my head over these "lies". Are they purportedly factual claims? (Or maybe just smack talk, put downs etc.?) Are they stated as if BW intends for them to be believed? Are the "lies" generally believed by the listeners? Do you have friends who will ignore these obvious lies? etc.

Edited February 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to threadjack ~T

[Birdies]

It totally depends on exactly what was said, and whether it was true or not. Let me give examples:

 

BW said, "OP tortured puppies" and it's false. --> More than one report of this, I'd be talking to a lawyer about defamation.

BW said, "OP is a homewrecking whore". That's an opinion as 'whore' is clearly used as a generic pejorative. --> Ignore

BW said, "OP had sex with my husband." and it's true. --> Ignore

BW said, "OP has had sex with half the men in town." and it's false. --> Ignore or lawyer, depending on how credible and insistent BW appears to be.

etc.

 

The above answers all seem to come readily easily, which is why I'm still scratching my head over these "lies". Are they purportedly factual claims? (Or maybe just smack talk, put downs etc.?) Are they stated as if BW intends for them to be believed? Are the "lies" generally believed by the listeners? Do you have friends who will ignore these obvious lies? etc.

 

Ha, well of your examples, she is saying all four types. It's the "torture puppy" variety that is bothering me - basically accusing MM of some heinous things and me of lying under oath to cover for him. However, I don't think a cease and desist letter or defamation suit is probably the answer, as the burden of proof to show actual harm from the defamation is pretty high.

 

Are they purportedly factual claims? Yes. She is trying to amplify our actions and her pain and suffering by inventing some serious illegal / violent activity on our parts, but also needs a way to explain why the legal system dismissed her (fraudulent) claims, so clearly we need to have committed perjury in addition to the other claims.

 

Are they stated as if BW intends for them to be believed? Yes. And I think she believes them herself - as I said, she has a thin grasp on reality which borders on delusion.

 

Are the "lies" generally believed by the listeners? Probably... I would assume people would think, why would someone make up a bunch of BS? Especially when we've already done something egregious like an affair, additional egregious things are probably fairly believable to some.

 

Do you have friends who will ignore these obvious lies? Yeah, for the most part the overlap is small, or I don't know the people well enough to reach out, so I'm letting it drop. Just pondering whether to broach it with a couple people. She's moved away so there's not an issue of physical overlapping of social circles.

 

I'm just oscillating between the camps of "Don't take the bait, you'll just look even worse, let it die down" and "I would like to correct slander so people at least have all the information and can make up their own minds from there". The responses here have been a helpful nudge toward the more mature response.

[BTDT2012]

Who is passing this information to you?

[SoleMate]

Is there any chance MM may have provided some of the info that BW has that makes her appear delusional to you?

 

I know we don't trust a single word the MM ever says here on LS...

 

I don't agree. I would say there is a lot of skepticism of self-serving reports from known liars. CMM (Cheating Married Men) can and do tell the truth, AND they as a group are also some of the most energetic, convincing, and shocking liars. As a group they lie extravagantly.

 

I would look equally askance on Actively Embezzling Bookkeepers (who swore to financial probity).

 

Anyhow....have you consulted with an attorney? I understand you can't provide us with all the facts (nor should you if doing so violates your privacy), but given that we can't really provide meaningful advice. You could give an attorney all the exact facts and get a better action plan as to legalities, liabilities, risks, calculation of damages etc.

 

For the non-legal aspect, I'd just say that going classy and discreet would put you in the best position. Good luck!

[minimariah]

why is his BS even a SUBJECT in your relationship? why on Earth would you read her mails, letters and legal stuff...? why did you even bring her up in convos with your mutuals..? it's like she is some kind of project you collected all this info about. i don't understand, logically, why would you involve yourself so deeply into something that is - essentially - absolutely none of your business. that's HIS ex and HIS divorce, am i right? and why do these friends keep feeding you info about her...? why didn't you tell them to stop because you don't want to know and move forward?

Edited February 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Whoknew30]

OP...going by what you're saying, if she does have issues & saying things to others, that's how you need to respond "she has some emotional issues" & go on with your day. It's all you can do, don't let it eat at you too much.

 

There's a reason he left her & I'm sure you've heard his reasonings. You & her aren't friends & empathy at this point doesn't mean anything bc if you had real empathy for her, you wouldn't have done it (all is fair in love or war) so just don't let her know she's getting to you...good luck

Edited February 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sandylee1]

As the lies are about both you and her Ex, is he bothered by them too? Is he thinking of doing anything about it? I would have thought you'd deal with it in a united way.

 

If your comment on her mental health disorder is true, then I'm not sure that any legal action would be successful and furthermore, she'll just tell all those people and more, how it wasn't enough that you destroyed her marriage, but now you have taken legal action against her, ... Making it seem that everything she said was true and you'll look even worse.

 

And I find as much as people may tell you these things she says, when it comes to giving evidence that she said it (you'll need proof), nobody will want to get involved.

 

They won't want any part of it, because at the end of the day, one undeniable fact is you had the affair. That's enough for some people to think you're capable of anything. Especially if it was a long affair. Lies, deception,.. They tag it on to other stuff.

 

There are some BW/OW who continue with the hate smear campaign forever.

[William]

Had to do a little clean-up this morning as some parts of the discussion had gone astray. Several have heard from me already, but I'll remind everyone that if you don't have anything relevant to the topic to post, there are plenty of other threads to choose from that would benefit from your insight/experience rather then leading another thread off-topic. ~Thank you

[Birdies]

why is his BS even a SUBJECT in your relationship? why on Earth would you read her mails, letters and legal stuff...? why did you even bring her up in convos with your mutuals..? it's like she is some kind of project you collected all this info about. i don't understand, logically, why would you involve yourself so deeply into something that is - essentially - absolutely none of your business. that's HIS ex and HIS divorce, am i right? and why do these friends keep feeding you info about her...? why didn't you tell them to stop because you don't want to know and move forward?

 

Lol trust me, I wish she weren't a presence in my life! That's what happens when you get involved with a married person though, and so obviously I'm not going to bltch about it. I don't bring her up - as I've stated repeatedly, I've ignored all this BS for over a year now. Hence the question at hand.

 

The main reason I'm informed about all this is because that's what happens when you are subpoenaed / named in various legal filings..... you get to read the filings and see all the attachments, etc. We live in a no-fault divorce state so she's got to stoop to all these other claims in order to get me involved.

 

Anyway, I'm all ears if you have any actual advice.

[Birdies]

Is there any chance MM may have provided some of the info that BW has that makes her appear delusional to you?

 

I don't agree. I would say there is a lot of skepticism of self-serving reports from known liars. CMM (Cheating Married Men) can and do tell the truth, AND they as a group are also some of the most energetic, convincing, and shocking liars. As a group they lie extravagantly.

 

I would look equally askance on Actively Embezzling Bookkeepers (who swore to financial probity).

 

Anyhow....have you consulted with an attorney? I understand you can't provide us with all the facts (nor should you if doing so violates your privacy), but given that we can't really provide meaningful advice. You could give an attorney all the exact facts and get a better action plan as to legalities, liabilities, risks, calculation of damages etc.

 

For the non-legal aspect, I'd just say that going classy and discreet would put you in the best position. Good luck!

 

No, he's as (more) POed than I am about all of this but recognizes that this is what happens when you cheat on your crazy wife.

 

I was being a little tongue-in-cheek about never believing MM on LS - but there's a clear and persistent stance that MM lie about their marriage and make their wife out to be a crazy, emotionally abusive, sexually frigid nightmare, when that's not actually the case. So the 1% of the time when that's more or less true, there is clear and understandable skepticism. I get it, and I have appreciated the general advice here to recognize the inherent bias in the MM's take on their marriage.

 

Thanks for the general advice on things. I concur that staying classy (better late than never right?!) and is the most mature and effective response.

[Birdies]

As the lies are about both you and her Ex, is he bothered by them too? Is he thinking of doing anything about it? I would have thought you'd deal with it in a united way.

 

If your comment on her mental health disorder is true, then I'm not sure that any legal action would be successful and furthermore, she'll just tell all those people and more, how it wasn't enough that you destroyed her marriage, but now you have taken legal action against her, ... Making it seem that everything she said was true and you'll look even worse.

 

And I find as much as people may tell you these things she says, when it comes to giving evidence that she said it (you'll need proof), nobody will want to get involved.

 

They won't want any part of it, because at the end of the day, one undeniable fact is you had the affair. That's enough for some people to think you're capable of anything. Especially if it was a long affair. Lies, deception,.. They tag it on to other stuff.

 

There are some BW/OW who continue with the hate smear campaign forever.

 

Yeah, he and I have talked about this plenty and he has a much larger impact in his own life, with a much larger circle of mutual friends of course. He's spent the last year+ just ignoring it all but is considering reaching out to a few people now that the dust has settled a bit.

 

Agreed on the "you had an affair so people may believe anything"... I made that same point in my original post. I get it, karma, etc. Clearly I'm not some innocent victim of a smear campaign, that my actions have prompted all this... that's why I've just laid low, but like I said, after many many many months of this self-described concerted effort to poison the well, I'm reaching the end of my tolerance with being slandered. (Sorry if that term sounds dramatic but it's perfectly fitting here. Home-wrecking whore I'm fine with. Her making up/deluding a bunch of really crazy illegal/wrong stuff and spreading it as far and wide as possible is less tolerable.)

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. Are you now a stepmother to her children? Are there kids on either side? That would change my advise...