Anyone have to deal with BW spreading lies?

[Birdies]

Hi. Are you now a stepmother to her children? Are there kids on either side? That would change my advise...

 

No, no kids on either side. Thankfully. I don't think I would be able to destroy kids' lives that way - but then again, I didn't recognize myself once going down this slippery slope, so who knows.

 

I hope you're doing well SL <3

[heartwhole]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I guess that while MM may have felt the marriage was over before your affair, she may feel differently, and therefore blames the end of her marriage on you/the affair. In any event, it's fortunate that there are no children involved.

 

My advice would be to focus on making new friends. Maybe that is throwing the baby out with the bath water, but it doesn't like any genuine, long-time friends are caught up in this, are they? Just that in some larger circles of acquaintances, there is gossip and side-picking. Well, life's too short for that. I don't know if you generally participate in such things yourself, but I'd hope not, and that therefore you wouldn't have much room for people like that in your life anyway. Perhaps it's time for a clean slate . . . seek out some new hobbies or volunteer opportunities or a faith community and invest in people who aren't so shallow.

 

Did I read in one of your old posts that you lost a lot of friendships in your divorce too? I can understand how that would leave a void, but again, my advice is the same. Don't be the sort of person who has room for judgmental gossipers in your life. You made some mistakes but that's in the past and no one's business who wasn't married to either of you, and people who make it their business are not true friend material anyway.

 

Perhaps there are some second marriage couples that would be more understanding and new friend material?

[Birdies]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I guess that while MM may have felt the marriage was over before your affair, she may feel differently, and therefore blames the end of her marriage on you/the affair. In any event, it's fortunate that there are no children involved.

 

My advice would be to focus on making new friends. Maybe that is throwing the baby out with the bath water, but it doesn't like any genuine, long-time friends are caught up in this, are they? Just that in some larger circles of acquaintances, there is gossip and side-picking. Well, life's too short for that. I don't know if you generally participate in such things yourself, but I'd hope not, and that therefore you wouldn't have much room for people like that in your life anyway. Perhaps it's time for a clean slate . . . seek out some new hobbies or volunteer opportunities or a faith community and invest in people who aren't so shallow.

 

Did I read in one of your old posts that you lost a lot of friendships in your divorce too? I can understand how that would leave a void, but again, my advice is the same. Don't be the sort of person who has room for judgmental gossipers in your life. You made some mistakes but that's in the past and no one's business who wasn't married to either of you, and people who make it their business are not true friend material anyway.

 

Perhaps there are some second marriage couples that would be more understanding and new friend material?

 

Thank you heartwhole for your thoughts and kindness.

 

Yes it's certainly the case that she is blaming me/us 100% for the failure of their marriage, despite her own affair, her having already moved out due to their ongoing problems, etc. It sounds like extreme victimhood has always been a pattern associated with her emotional instability. Nonetheless, I accept that I am the easy target given the situation AND I certainly did contribute to the abrupt nature of their divorce, so I get it.

 

No, I'm generally not someone who engages in drama or gossip...my life has been extremely stable up to this point and I don't like gossiping about other people, let ALONE being the subject of it - so it's a big change, lol. That's partly why I haven't engaged in any of this "he said, she said" stuff for the past year+. Just trying to rise above, despite my actions having helped created the situation in the first place.

 

And yes, while I've certainly lost some friends that were mutually mine and my ex's in the process, I don't blame them. A divorce with infidelity tends to lead to people choosing one side or the other, and usually that of the betrayed spouse. I'm appreciative to my ex for not bad-mouthing me or asking people to choose sides (in fact, quite the opposite), and many of my true friends are still around. The ones who have taken the "other side" at least did so based on an accurate accounting of the situation - which is what bugs me about the mutual friends who overlap with the ex-wife who is making things up / delusional. But life's not fair I suppose, especially when I helped to create this mess in the first place with my very unfair actions.

 

We live in a fairly small town (although fortunately the ex-wife has moved away) so it's tough to escape the stigma - again, hindsight is 20/20. But I appreciate your advice on trying to make new friends / friends who have been through their own relationship issues and agree that with time, that might be the best approach.

 

Anyway, thanks again

[minimariah]

That's what happens when you get involved with a married person though...

 

it doesn't.

 

lots of OWs who are now with their MMs - children included! - who never had your problems.

 

...you get to read the filings and see all the attachments, etc.

 

OR you get a lawyer and he does that for you. but you did mention knowing stuff about her through mutuals & family sooooo... i assume they started talking all on their own and you were too polite to tell them to shut it...?

 

Anyway, I'm all ears if you have any actual advice.

 

wrote it in my very 1st post on the thread.

 

find new friends --- that's... about it, really!

 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Birdies]

it doesn't.

 

lots of OWs who are now with their MMs - children included! - who never had your problems.

 

OR you get a lawyer and he does that for you. but you did mention knowing stuff about her through mutuals & family sooooo... i assume they started talking all on their own and you were too polite to tell them to shut it...?

 

wrote it in my very 1st post on the thread.

 

find new friends --- that's... about it, really!

 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

Not sure why you're being argumentative? What is your goal here? If you don't like me / my thread / OW in general, then there are plenty of other threads to visit. Nevertheless I'll answer your questions.

 

Ok I should have said, that's what happens when you get involved with a person trying to get out of his marriage to a crazy person

 

No I don't see that wasting money on a lawyer so I don't have to read my own legal documents is a good idea (?!?). Yes people have talked about her to me occasionally over the past several years and no I'm not telling everyone to shut it. Partly because it matters to me whether formerMM is a liar like they are usually portrayed on LS, or whether mutual friends / family share the view that she's emotionally unstable to the point of abusive. It has been affirming to learn the latter. I would much rather be with a man who was fumbling about trying to get out of his bad marriage to a crazy person and doing it in a bad, selfish way - than a man who lies about his healthy marriage to a fulfilling spouse in order to get laid.

 

Yes find new friends I think is a good solution. Thanks for that, honestly. Sometimes the simplest answer is the right one, lol.

Edited February 11, 2017 by Birdies

[minimariah]

Not sure why you're being argumentative?

 

because LoveShack is a FORUM & discussing is its basic point. i'm just asking questions and i think i'm being ontopic.

 

No I don't see that wasting money on a lawyer so I don't have to read my own legal documents is a good idea (?!?).

 

right. well, one would think that hiring a lawyer when sued is actually a GOOD idea & far from wasting money. maybe that's just me though.

 

Partly because it matters to me whether formerMM is a liar like they are usually portrayed on LS, or whether mutual friends / family share the view that she's emotionally unstable to the point of abusive. It has been affirming to learn the latter.

 

OK - buuuut... why were you even INTERESTED in his wife's mental state? why was that even important to you - to verify that his wife is, indeed, a looney...? why are you here - a YEAR later - discussing her mental state & analyzing her...? and you don't even KNOW this woman. when you meet a person who is being abused, you'll support and help them by finding a lawyer - you won't involve yourself into their personal war OR act as their AND the abuser's therapist... because you can't be objective. that's why professional therapists don't consult their family members. you're emotionally EXTREMELY negative towards the BS, going so far to discuss her trauma and diagnose her - and i've read your previoua threads, you did this before already.

 

also - what does it say about your lover that he CHOSE this woman to be his wife and spent YEARS with her? was he blind and deaf back then? i mean, do we put some responsibility on HIM or do we just act like she's Satan's daughter and he's the ultimate victim...?

[Birdies]

No one said I was being sued. Not yet at least I'd certainly lawyer up then.

 

The answer to your other questions are summed up pretty succinctly in my previous post, which I'll repost here.

I would much rather be with a man who was fumbling about trying to get out of his bad marriage to a crazy person and doing it in a bad, selfish way - than a man who lies about his healthy marriage to a fulfilling spouse in order to get laid.

 

As to your other question re: what does it say about him to be with her. He is rather conflict avoidant and she has become much less stable during recent years while refusing to seek treatment, hence their stalemate. If you continue to lurk my previous posts on other threads (lol), you'll see I've had this understanding all along. He's not innocent in this at all - he should have pulled the trigger on their divorce years ago but was too conflict avoidant to do so and royally f---ed things up instead.

 

For someone who wonders why I even care abut her / them, you're awfully curious about all the backstory! This all completely beside the point of my post so I'm going to refrain from discussing it further.

[Whoknew30]

because LoveShack is a FORUM & discussing is its basic point. i'm just asking questions and i think i'm being ontopic.

 

 

 

right. well, one would think that hiring a lawyer when sued is actually a GOOD idea & far from wasting money. maybe that's just me though.

 

 

 

OK - buuuut... why were you even INTERESTED in his wife's mental state? why was that even important to you - to verify that his wife is, indeed, a looney...? why are you here - a YEAR later - discussing her mental state & analyzing her...? and you don't even KNOW this woman. when you meet a person who is being abused, you'll support and help them by finding a lawyer - you won't involve yourself into their personal war OR act as their AND the abuser's therapist... because you can't be objective. that's why professional therapists don't consult their family members. you're emotionally EXTREMELY negative towards the BS, going so far to discuss her trauma and diagnose her - and i've read your previoua threads, you did this before already.

 

also - what does it say about your lover that he CHOSE this woman to be his wife and spent YEARS with her? was he blind and deaf back then? i mean, do we put some responsibility on HIM or do we just act like she's Satan's daughter and he's the ultimate victim...?

 

He chose his wife...then left her for someone else. Since that's a rare occurrence, it's evident he wasn't happy married to the BS.

 

OP, is asking if anyone else has had to deal with an unstable ex w...someone else's mental state bc others business when it's affecting them. The Ex is affecting the OP & she's asking how to deal with it. I'm sure that the MM here has spoke to OP about his soon to be ex W...so she's probably pretty sure that she is unstable....nothing wrong in asking if anyone has been in this same situation.

[cocorico]

He chose his wife...then left her for someone else. Since that's a rare occurrence, it's evident he wasn't happy married to the BS.

 

OP, is asking if anyone else has had to deal with an unstable ex w...someone else's mental state bc others business when it's affecting them. The Ex is affecting the OP & she's asking how to deal with it. I'm sure that the MM here has spoke to OP about his soon to be ex W...so she's probably pretty sure that she is unstable....nothing wrong in asking if anyone has been in this same situation.

 

Yes, there are a couple of us here who have. Replying to the OP however is difficult as it then opens you to personal attacks and accusations of threadjacking. But essentially, I don't think it's that unusual for MM who have emotionally unstable / abusive wives to land up seeking solace elsewhere - and having an A. And yes, from the safety of the sane, stable R (he A) they can plan their escape from the difficult M, and (at least) sometimes escape from the M to a FTR with the fAP. So I don't think that part is uncommon; nor do I think the OP's story is incredible in any way, as I've lived through similar.

 

Once these MM escape their M, the BW's emotional instability doesn't magically disappear: continued harassment of the couple (especially the OW) seems t be more the norm than the exception. There was a thread on these boards of a XBW who openly boasted of her continued persecution of her xH and his W (fOW) long after his D and remarriage. So the situation the OP describes of the XBW spreading lies etc really isn't extreme, uncommon, or hard to believe. Reading these boards shows several stories of such, from both sides.

 

I've lived through a mentally unstable XBW doing her damndest to upset the apple cart. My advice based on my experience is to ignore the attention seeking, but to take firm and decisive action when it crosses into harmful or illegal behaviour. I wish we'd shut it down far quicker, instead of trying to be understanding and tolerant - it would have spared the kids a great deal of discomfort and embarrassment, besides anything else. As for the friends - they'll soon enough see it for what it is, so I wouldn't bother trying to counteract the lies. At the point they start to question the crazy version, they'll come and ask for the OP's version, to get it straight. Any that don't aren't worth keeping as friends, anyway.

 

OP - good luck with all this. It can take a long time to settle - a year is nothing in the mind of a mentally unstable XBW. I hope your harasser settles faster than ours.

[Lady2163]

I don't know that I have much advice, but you have my sympathy.

 

This is a common process in your situation. I have several friends who are now in their 70s who started their current marriage as an affair. I just found out that someone I've known my whole life did this.

 

Oftentimes, people do have to start over socially. There former friends haventhe fear that you will try to take their husbands. I'm even guilty of that. I have a friend who poached my boyfriend and told me to get over it because he "liked her better than me". Then the latest thing she did (20 years later) was to take her best friends' husband because the friend "didn't treat him right." I'm not her friend anymore and she has a tough time keeping female friends because it is hard to trust her. I used to tell the men I dated that unless they wanted drama, they were to be cordial to her, but if they exchanged contact information with her, I was done. I did have one man tell me he gave her a fake phone number - so she asked under the guise of getting computer help. She never told me she asked for his phone number.

 

Now, I'm mot saying that is the kind of person you are at all. I tend to ramble. If a woman has the least bit of insecurity about their body, their sexual ability or their marriage, they will avoid letting their husbands socialize with someone who may be perceived to be better in any of those areas OR may be predisposed to poaching and justifying it.

 

I'm originally from a small town. One thing you and your now boyfriend can do is invite the absolute two worst gossips and their husbands to dinner. Lay out the truth. Pile on your empathy of the BS very thick. Your boyfriend should feel free to tell them about her infidelity. Fall on your swords, admit you were wrong, but correct the lies.

 

I'd wait until the divorce was final to do that. But, if you do this right, she looks bad and people are often intolerant of mental illness when they *think* the person has some control over the drama they are causing.

 

You are starting a new life with your former MM. Make new friends, make new lifestyle choices, make new habits.

 

Oh - and since all the people I know who went through what you're going through are old, this probably won't work for you in this day and age, but most of them moved one town or one county over and gave themselves a fresh start. They did have to really like each other as well as love each other since for quite a few years they only had a few friends. They had to be friends to each other as well. Most of them had joint hobbies and enjoyed the time they spent together.

[sandylee1]

The number of BWs who are crazy and mentally ill is amazing at times.

 

If I met a man who was married to a crazy woman, I'd seriously question his judgement or be asking at what point in the marriage she became so crazy .... Or even whether he's the one who drove her crazy.

[dreamingoftigers]

Not trying to control what she's saying, just wondering if it's worth trying to delve into the truth and correct some of the slander, vs stay out of it as I've done since the beginning. This isn't just "she's a homewrecker who stole my husband" stuff, which would be understandable.

 

But as I said, I know it's karma. Her turn to lie, I suppose.... I'll just let the chips fall where they may.

 

Yes, her ex and I are together.

 

Er yeah. That won't silence itself soon, if ever at all

[Grammie]

Hey all - anyone have their affair blow up publicly and have to deal with the other wife not only telling anyone who will listen about the A (which is certainly her right), but also spreading malicious lies? She has some serious emotional issues that she keeps pretty well hidden to the outside world, and they make her either delusional or a pathological liar - not sure which. She's been very proactive in spreading a lot of pretty wacko stuff to mutual friends / acquaintances, and although it seems completely crazy to me....so does an affair, so I'm sure a lot of people are eating it up with a spoon.

 

Obviously, this is a case of karma biting me in the ass, and not shltting where you eat, and I get it. I deserve it. But I do wish that if people are going to judge me harshly, which is 100% anyone's right to do so, they at least do it based on a vaguely accurate version of the truth. (I'm appreciative that my ex-H hasn't gone this same route - he's been amazingly mature and kind to me, and I'm grateful to him for that.)

 

So, what would you do? Try to lay out "the truth" to a few mutual friends? Or just let it go? This is more than a year later and their divorce is very much final. I'm getting to the end of my "I was a shltty person so I deserve this smear campaign" rope, for better or for worse.

 

PS - I should add that I have a lot of empathy for this woman and know that her actions are a result of a very difficult situation that I helped create. My post sounds fairly businesslike, but that's a just product of me focusing on the specific question at hand, not a lack of empathy toward her.

 

I kinda got stuck on your post at the bolded language. The "other wife"? She was "the wife", right?

 

Mental health is not something to be joking about or calling her "crazy". Does that make you feel superior to her to call her that? You aren't a part of her medical team, I am guessing, so you really don't get to judge her based on her choices in dealing with HER mental health. You may choose differently if it was your mental health choices, but ya know, to each their own. I just couldn't sit and read the constant references to this "crazy" person, as if that minimizes the pain and heart ache she went through when her husband chose to lie, betray, gaslight and hurt her. If she had an affair, that is between her and her now ex husband. You don't get to comment on it because her husband obviously chose to forgive her. It isn't her rug sweeping her affair - it was her husband that chose to do that. So to try to condemn her because of that really doesn't sit well as you continue to try to say you have empathy for her. You keep bringing up her affair and her mental health and calling her "crazy". I feel sad for you that you need to belittle her and her mental health. I have a family member who is bi-polar - I know a TON about mental health issues and it isn't a joking matter nor would I call this person "crazy" just because she has BPD. As an FYI - people don't get to choose if they have mental health issues -- it can be genetic, it can be brought on by trauma, it can happen because of other issues. So if you really do have empathy for this woman, please stop calling her "crazy" and taking jabs at her mental health.

 

With regards to what she is saying, I agree with others who state that your now partner may have been a party that stuff she is saying. You have no idea what he told her during the affair -- or after it came to lite -- because you weren't in the home with them while she dealt with the fall out of her husband's betrayal, his lies, his deceiving her, his gaslighting her.

 

Like others, I think you need to find new friends. I think you need to let go of the anger you have towards her. I think you need to look at your new partner and realize he may not be the wonderful person you think he is - he was able to cause so much hurt to the person he married (as did you with your exhusband). When people are able to do that, to someone that they dated, married and built a life with, it shows a huge problem with their morals and their ability to life an authentic life. I totally understand divorce - people falling out of love with their mate. But how you handle that to me shows a persons true character. Choosing to cheat instead of owning your feelings (and saying someone is conflict avoident doesn't excuse their actions - in fact, it makes it worse because obviously it wasn't so hard to choose to cheat -- but it is hard to man up/woman up and be honest?) is a choice you and the MM made. You chose to do what you did, instead of being honest with your spouses. That is something I think both of you need to explore in counseling because if you don't figure out why you chose to cheat, you are more than likely going to do that again the next time some person comes into your life. You (general you) have shown you have the ability to hurt someone deeply by choosing to betray their trust and love -- I think that needs to be explored with a counselor so whatever is broken can be fixed within yourself.

 

Good luck to you

[Birdies]

I should mention now that I'm ignoring any response that doesn't address my question. I'm not asking about whether cheating is wrong, whether playing a part in hurting someone who is already emotionally volatile is wrong, whether I have cause to be concerned about the mine or my MM's ability to be an honest partner, whether I should be in therapy, etc etc. Those all have obvious answers that I've spent the last year plus soul searching - yes, with my therapist and with MM and with friends and family. Some of your all's assumption that those issues are entirely untouched is overly simplistic and tiring. (Oh is the earth round too!?)

 

I welcome any advice on the question at hand and I appreciate those who have offered it.

[Birdies]

The number of BWs who are crazy and mentally ill is amazing at times.

 

Indeed, such an amazing coincidence. Almost like there's a correlation between emotionally unstable / abusive wives, and men who are unhappy in their marriages and stray!

[LivingWaterPlease]

The number of BWs who are crazy and mentally ill is amazing at times.

 

If I met a man who was married to a crazy woman, I'd seriously question his judgement or be asking at what point in the marriage she became so crazy .... Or even whether he's the one who drove her crazy.

 

sandylee, I often appreciate that you write good solid advice but to me, this conclusion is way off base having known a lot of wonderful men with good judgement over my lifetime who are married to unstable, crazy women; and wonderful women with good judgement married to unstable crazy men.

 

It seem to me there are many valid reasons this could be the case. I began to list some of them but deleted as I don't want to thread jack.

[ShatteredLady]

When I had a baby in the USA I became a member of a mothers club. After a while a small number of us became 'friends' & hung out together. I guess most know what I mean? Mostly women become 2's & those 2's make-up the 8 who hang together.

 

Anyway, my friend was miserable in her marriage for a long time. When she finally left there was a LOT of drama. Her husband was/is very 'challenging' & drags her into court/mediation over everything/anything he can think of.

 

Many of the women in the group turned against my friend. One day she started defending herself to me & I simply stopped her saying, "You are my friend. I like you!". It's true! She's my friend for better or worse. I have her back. That's what friendships about really isn't it?

 

The women who turned their back on her initially surprised me until I spotted the pattern. It was those who were more insecure in their marriages than they were trusting & loyal to her. Their loss. She's a great lady.

 

If her lies are hurting you financially then do something legal about it. If it's just loosing you relationships they have their own reasons & bias (They TRULY do!) & you can't change that.

 

I continued to invite all of my acquaintances to gatherings, kids parties etc. within a couple of years most (not all) forgot about everything & just socialized with MY FRIEND.

 

These things bother me too....probably more than they should! I'm a selfconfessed people pleaser. Best wishes.

Edited February 12, 2017 by ShatteredLady

[minimariah]

For someone who wonders why I even care abut her / them, you're awfully curious...

 

i'm BRUTALLY curious, indeed... with an incredible memory so i remember pretty much everything and everyone - including your previous posts back when you 1st posted.

 

i guess i just cannot, for the life of me, understand why is this BS STILL a factor in your life. see, they don't have any kids... right? so nothing REAL ties your man to her - one would think that it would be pretty simple getting her out of your lives. i didn't understand the legal stuff at all... is she suing you? what are the papers about? what is she even...? you know, it doesn't really matter because obviously the legal stuff aren't the only source of your information about this woman. and finally - she's spreading rumors around. SOMEONE is telling you all of this, the question is WHO and why didn't you tell them that you don't want to hear it because you're trying to move on? the solution seems so simple yet you're making it soooooo, SO complicated. like, your entire story is 1000x more dramatic than it needs to be and i'm trying to figure out WHY.

[Whoknew30]

i'm BRUTALLY curious, indeed... with an incredible memory so i remember pretty much everything and everyone - including your previous posts back when you 1st posted.

 

i guess i just cannot, for the life of me, understand why is this BS STILL a factor in your life. see, they don't have any kids... right? so nothing REAL ties your man to her - one would think that it would be pretty simple getting her out of your lives. i didn't understand the legal stuff at all... is she suing you? what are the papers about? what is she even...? you know, it doesn't really matter because obviously the legal stuff aren't the only source of your information about this woman. and finally - she's spreading rumors around. SOMEONE is telling you all of this, the question is WHO and why didn't you tell them that you don't want to hear it because you're trying to move on? the solution seems so simple yet you're making it soooooo, SO complicated. like, your entire story is 1000x more dramatic than it needs to be and i'm trying to figure out WHY.

 

I don't think I the OP is. Rung dramatic at all...sounds like she's fed up with the BS not leaving the situation alone. Once someone leaves you, it's done. If the H left her bc she's mentally unstable, maybe she should be more concerned with changing herself vs blaming the OP...also whoever is telling OP evidently doesn't like what the BS is saying about her.

 

All she was asking was advice if anyone else had dealt with this situation...it's easy to say "she's making it complicated" but we don't know if what exactly this woman is saying can cause any real effects to OP...if it does, then she has the right to be upset & want advice on how to handle it.

[cocorico]

 

i guess i just cannot, for the life of me, understand why is this BS STILL a factor in your life.

 

 

I'm betting the OP is wondering that too. As am I, regarding the XBW who refused to move on in our situation, or any of the other fOW who post here with similar issues, or the FOW (now W to the xH) of the XBW who posted on these boards who still saw the xH as "her" H despite being D for many years... why don't some XBW move on, when their xH clearly has, and is happily settled with the fOW? Is it somehow related to the "emotional instability" said many of thos BWs display? There seems to be a strong correlation, from the stories presented on these boards, but that would be mere speculation in the absence of hard data. So of course the OP is curious, and of course she is seeking advice from the several of us here who are, or have been, in a similar position.

 

Believe me, as a fOW, there is nothing I would have liked better than for the XBW to disappear in a puff of smoke and have nothing further to d with us, ever - and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. That the OP's SO's xW keeps on hanging around like a bad smell probably leads the OP to feel likewise. So, asking the OP why the woman that's harassing her keeps hanging about, and implying that the Op is somehow inviting it, is likely to be barking up he wrong tree. It would be more productive to ask why this kind of BW who gets dumped can't just move on with dignity when it's clear the xH and his partner want nothing to do with her - which is a question thoroughly explored in other threads, to no satisfying conclusion other than "such an XBW should probably seek help".

[Birdies]

I'm betting the OP is wondering that too. As am I, regarding the XBW who refused to move on in our situation, or any of the other fOW who post here with similar issues, or the FOW (now W to the xH) of the XBW who posted on these boards who still saw the xH as "her" H despite being D for many years... why don't some XBW move on, when their xH clearly has, and is happily settled with the fOW? Is it somehow related to the "emotional instability" said many of thos BWs display? There seems to be a strong correlation, from the stories presented on these boards, but that would be mere speculation in the absence of hard data. So of course the OP is curious, and of course she is seeking advice from the several of us here who are, or have been, in a similar position.

 

Believe me, as a fOW, there is nothing I would have liked better than for the XBW to disappear in a puff of smoke and have nothing further to d with us, ever - and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. That the OP's SO's xW keeps on hanging around like a bad smell probably leads the OP to feel likewise. So, asking the OP why the woman that's harassing her keeps hanging about, and implying that the Op is somehow inviting it, is likely to be barking up he wrong tree. It would be more productive to ask why this kind of BW who gets dumped can't just move on with dignity when it's clear the xH and his partner want nothing to do with her - which is a question thoroughly explored in other threads, to no satisfying conclusion other than "such an XBW should probably seek help".

 

Thanks, yeah, this is basically exactly the case. He had wanted a divorce for a couple years but was fairly terrified of what he knew would be her scorched-earth, "I will hate you for eternity and try to destroy you" reaction, even given HER affair, etc. - and that was what he knew would happen with just a regular, "I'm sorry but this isn't working for me and I'm not in love with you anymore" type divorce. So add in our affair and DDay, and yes, she apparently is completely fixated on how we destroyed her life and is making up (or is delusional about) all sorts of really heinous stuff to further paint us badly. I know many people here think I'm completely callous about this, but honestly, I feel completely horrible and I wish I could undo the pain to this woman.

 

She apparently is seeking help in the form of therapy, but for people with this particular emotional condition, they manipulate the counselor to where the therapy is just a form of validation of their own victimhood, rather than an invitation to dig deep and explore one's issues. He saw that happen for years, and in the situations when it couldn't happen (joint marriage counseling where she couldn't spin everything), she refused to continue going because "the counselor was a sexist pig who hates women." Same thing with the judge in their divorce case, he's a misogynist and that's why he wouldn't give her 90+% of their assets like she wanted. Etc etc.

 

Also, I want to note that they are very much divorced. I should have said "exBW". She filed well over a year ago, and drug it out for many many months (while successfully cleaning out their entire savings) after she realized a divorce meant the gravy train would come to an end.

 

ANYWAY! I am really just annoyed at having this be a part of my life, while also understanding that I 100% invited it in, and I am trying to figure out what to do. Venting anonymously is quite helpful as, like I've said, I don't discuss this with anyone IRL - so thanks for listening! I'm just going to stay the course and stay above it all and continue to be happy with my guy, while also continuing to address and remedy my poor life coping skills / boundaries that put me in this situation in the first place.

 

Thanks again to those who have been helpful, I really really appreciate it.

[goodyblue]

Omg m y h's XW is an alcoholic with a horrible temper and an axe to grind!

 

It's been years and still we find ourselves dealing with her garbage. You just have to ignore it and don't interact with her. If someone brings her up just change the subject. I know it sucks but you can't let it harsh your Zen.

 

I am wishing you luck and sending a hug because it is so frustrating and, while the guilt may be there, you have to forgive yourself and not let it ruin your life.

 

We have a really good life and are really happy. We ignore the haters. And there aren't many. Most of the friends were my h's.

 

Hang in there.

[wmacbride]

Thanks, yeah, this is basically exactly the case. He had wanted a divorce for a couple years but was fairly terrified of what he knew would be her scorched-earth, "I will hate you for eternity and try to destroy you" reaction, even given HER affair, etc. - and that was what he knew would happen with just a regular, "I'm sorry but this isn't working for me and I'm not in love with you anymore" type divorce. So add in our affair and DDay, and yes, she apparently is completely fixated on how we destroyed her life and is making up (or is delusional about) all sorts of really heinous stuff to further paint us badly. I know many people here think I'm completely callous about this, but honestly, I feel completely horrible and I wish I could undo the pain to this woman.

 

She apparently is seeking help in the form of therapy, but for people with this particular emotional condition, they manipulate the counselor to where the therapy is just a form of validation of their own victimhood, rather than an invitation to dig deep and explore one's issues. He saw that happen for years, and in the situations when it couldn't happen (joint marriage counseling where she couldn't spin everything), she refused to continue going because "the counselor was a sexist pig who hates women." Same thing with the judge in their divorce case, he's a misogynist and that's why he wouldn't give her 90+% of their assets like she wanted. Etc etc.

 

Also, I want to note that they are very much divorced. I should have said "exBW". She filed well over a year ago, and drug it out for many many months (while successfully cleaning out their entire savings) after she realized a divorce meant the gravy train would come to an end.

 

ANYWAY! I am really just annoyed at having this be a part of my life, while also understanding that I 100% invited it in, and I am trying to figure out what to do. Venting anonymously is quite helpful as, like I've said, I don't discuss this with anyone IRL - so thanks for listening! I'm just going to stay the course and stay above it all and continue to be happy with my guy, while also continuing to address and remedy my poor life coping skills / boundaries that put me in this situation in the first place.

 

Thanks again to those who have been helpful, I really really appreciate it.

 

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but you are waaayyyy to invested in his ex wife's mental health, and it's not good for you. I suspect she's doing what she is because it gets a reaction. As hard as it can be, stop reacting.

 

Anyone who listens to her and believes her without verifying is not your friend anyway. Try and find new friends. you can even use it as an opportunity to bond with your so by joining clubs or other activities together and meeting new people.

[minimariah]

As am I, regarding the XBW who refused to move on in our situation...

 

here is the thing --- there are NO children in the OP's situation. YOUR situation with the xBW has 0 similarities with the OP's situation. also, in YOUR situation... the reason for xBW not moving on was super obvious and logical considering the situation she found herself in (and no, i'm not referring to her mental health)... in this story...? not so much other than a hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

 

So, asking the OP why the woman that's harassing her keeps hanging about...

 

i'm not asking the OP that though - i'm asking her why is she doing NOTHING about the sitution. why is the BS still a factor in the OP's life when she can so easily ignore her entire existence...? they're divorced, no kids... and a year later - she's still not capable of telling the mutuals that she really doesn't want to hear about the rumors...? someone is telling her about every BW's move and i wanted to know WHO and WHY is the OP entertaining it - i doubt folks are coming up to her unless they know she wants the juice. and it's not about the legal stuff either, this is purely about the rumours - as the OP wrote in her original post.

 

It would be more productive to ask why this kind of BW who gets dumped can't just move on with dignity...

 

there is no such thing as a this kind of BW and i'm surprised you - out of all people - would allow yourself such a gaffe. do better.

 

it wouldn't be productive at all to discuss this BS' actions for one simple reason: she's not posting here. we can't discuss with her, we can't change her behavior so what we CAN do... is discuss the OP's behavior and exchange opinions. worrying about the BS is nonsensical because the OP doesn't even know her, cannot influence her in any way -- so analyzing the BS is as nonsensical as it gets. again... the OP is getting the info from someone, i'm still wanting to find out from WHO and how does the BS even pop up in convos.

 

i find this thread bloody fascinating. i didn't see this much unnecessary drama ever since Lost ended.

[Birdies]

here is the thing --- there are NO children in the OP's situation. YOUR situation with the xBW has 0 similarities with the OP's situation. also, in YOUR situation... the reason for xBW not moving on was super obvious and logical considering the situation she found herself in (and no, i'm not referring to her mental health)... in this story...? not so much other than a hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

 

 

 

i'm not asking the OP that though - i'm asking her why is she doing NOTHING about the sitution. why is the BS still a factor in the OP's life when she can so easily ignore her entire existence...? they're divorced, no kids... and a year later - she's still not capable of telling the mutuals that she really doesn't want to hear about the rumors...? someone is telling her about every BW's move and i wanted to know WHO and WHY is the OP entertaining it - i doubt folks are coming up to her unless they know she wants the juice. and it's not about the legal stuff either, this is purely about the rumours - as the OP wrote in her original post.

 

 

 

there is no such thing as a this kind of BW and i'm surprised you - out of all people - would allow yourself such a gaffe. do better.

 

it wouldn't be productive at all to discuss this BS' actions for one simple reason: she's not posting here. we can't discuss with her, we can't change her behavior so what we CAN do... is discuss the OP's behavior and exchange opinions. worrying about the BS is nonsensical because the OP doesn't even know her, cannot influence her in any way -- so analyzing the BS is as nonsensical as it gets. again... the OP is getting the info from someone, i'm still wanting to find out from WHO and how does the BS even pop up in convos.

 

i find this thread bloody fascinating. i didn't see this much unnecessary drama ever since Lost ended.

 

LOL that's exactly what I've been doing for the past year and some. NOTHING. Ignoring it entirely. I'm getting fed up and came here asking for advice on whether to change strategies.

 

BS pops up in convos because we have mutual friends, because we're all in the same industry, because their divorce drug out for a year with her subpoenaing me, and because BS herself has reached out to MM in various ways lauding her ability to poison the well and all that. It's all been IGNORED - but unlike a three-year-old, I sadly know that covering my eyes and ignoring the situation doesn't actually make it go away. Hence the question about changing strategies.

 

Again, I appreciate folks' advice to accept that "real" friends aren't going to tolerate all this drama, cut my losses with some folks, make new friends, and keep ignoring it.