Anyone have to deal with BW spreading lies?

[Birdies]

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but you are waaayyyy to invested in his ex wife's mental health, and it's not good for you. I suspect she's doing what she is because it gets a reaction. As hard as it can be, stop reacting.

 

Anyone who listens to her and believes her without verifying is not your friend anyway. Try and find new friends. you can even use it as an opportunity to bond with your so by joining clubs or other activities together and meeting new people.

 

Truth. I'm so over caring about this. I've really just been ignoring all this for a long time and not really talking or thinking about it except with exMM some, but now it's all getting vented here. Thanks though, I know you're right. Cue Elsa.... "Let it go! Let it goooooo!"

[Birdies]

Omg m y h's XW is an alcoholic with a horrible temper and an axe to grind!

 

It's been years and still we find ourselves dealing with her garbage. You just have to ignore it and don't interact with her. If someone brings her up just change the subject. I know it sucks but you can't let it harsh your Zen.

 

I am wishing you luck and sending a hug because it is so frustrating and, while the guilt may be there, you have to forgive yourself and not let it ruin your life.

 

We have a really good life and are really happy. We ignore the haters. And there aren't many. Most of the friends were my h's.

 

Hang in there.

 

Thanks for this. I know that time is the best remedy. I'm glad things have worked out well for you!

[Birdies]

Yes, there are a couple of us here who have. Replying to the OP however is difficult as it then opens you to personal attacks and accusations of threadjacking. But essentially, I don't think it's that unusual for MM who have emotionally unstable / abusive wives to land up seeking solace elsewhere - and having an A. And yes, from the safety of the sane, stable R (he A) they can plan their escape from the difficult M, and (at least) sometimes escape from the M to a FTR with the fAP. So I don't think that part is uncommon; nor do I think the OP's story is incredible in any way, as I've lived through similar.

 

Once these MM escape their M, the BW's emotional instability doesn't magically disappear: continued harassment of the couple (especially the OW) seems t be more the norm than the exception. There was a thread on these boards of a XBW who openly boasted of her continued persecution of her xH and his W (fOW) long after his D and remarriage. So the situation the OP describes of the XBW spreading lies etc really isn't extreme, uncommon, or hard to believe. Reading these boards shows several stories of such, from both sides.

 

I've lived through a mentally unstable XBW doing her damndest to upset the apple cart. My advice based on my experience is to ignore the attention seeking, but to take firm and decisive action when it crosses into harmful or illegal behaviour. I wish we'd shut it down far quicker, instead of trying to be understanding and tolerant - it would have spared the kids a great deal of discomfort and embarrassment, besides anything else. As for the friends - they'll soon enough see it for what it is, so I wouldn't bother trying to counteract the lies. At the point they start to question the crazy version, they'll come and ask for the OP's version, to get it straight. Any that don't aren't worth keeping as friends, anyway.

 

OP - good luck with all this. It can take a long time to settle - a year is nothing in the mind of a mentally unstable XBW. I hope your harasser settles faster than ours.

 

Thanks coco. I appreciate the advice from someone who's been there, done that! I will stay the course. I don't think this exBW is dangerous like yours, luckily for us.

[Birdies]

I don't know that I have much advice, but you have my sympathy.

 

This is a common process in your situation. I have several friends who are now in their 70s who started their current marriage as an affair. I just found out that someone I've known my whole life did this.

 

Oftentimes, people do have to start over socially. There former friends haventhe fear that you will try to take their husbands. I'm even guilty of that. I have a friend who poached my boyfriend and told me to get over it because he "liked her better than me". Then the latest thing she did (20 years later) was to take her best friends' husband because the friend "didn't treat him right." I'm not her friend anymore and she has a tough time keeping female friends because it is hard to trust her. I used to tell the men I dated that unless they wanted drama, they were to be cordial to her, but if they exchanged contact information with her, I was done. I did have one man tell me he gave her a fake phone number - so she asked under the guise of getting computer help. She never told me she asked for his phone number.

 

Now, I'm mot saying that is the kind of person you are at all. I tend to ramble. If a woman has the least bit of insecurity about their body, their sexual ability or their marriage, they will avoid letting their husbands socialize with someone who may be perceived to be better in any of those areas OR may be predisposed to poaching and justifying it.

 

I'm originally from a small town. One thing you and your now boyfriend can do is invite the absolute two worst gossips and their husbands to dinner. Lay out the truth. Pile on your empathy of the BS very thick. Your boyfriend should feel free to tell them about her infidelity. Fall on your swords, admit you were wrong, but correct the lies.

 

I'd wait until the divorce was final to do that. But, if you do this right, she looks bad and people are often intolerant of mental illness when they *think* the person has some control over the drama they are causing.

 

You are starting a new life with your former MM. Make new friends, make new lifestyle choices, make new habits.

 

Oh - and since all the people I know who went through what you're going through are old, this probably won't work for you in this day and age, but most of them moved one town or one county over and gave themselves a fresh start. They did have to really like each other as well as love each other since for quite a few years they only had a few friends. They had to be friends to each other as well. Most of them had joint hobbies and enjoyed the time they spent together.

 

Thanks much. Just a note, they're divorced and she's moved away, so that's good. You're right about circling our wagons and being there for each other as we go through this. Luckily we enjoy all the same hobbies and just really enjoy each other's company, so that's easy. New friends via joining new groups or something is a good idea.

 

Appreciate your empathy here. It's been remarkable to me in this past year or so, how people who have seen a bit more of life tend to understand the non black-and-white nature of marriages and morality, more so than folks my age (30s) do. Not that I'm justifying what we did at all - but eventually it seems like everyone makes some sort of big life mistake or sees their loved ones do it, and so you realize it's perhaps unreasonable to villainize those people 100%.

[Birdies]

OK folks I think I've done enough thinking and discussing on this topic. I appreciate all the comments.

[minimariah]

I'm getting fed up and came here asking for advice on whether to change strategies.

 

well, GOOD!

 

i also don't agree with the -ohhhhh, i deserved it... karma so i have to keep quiet and put up with it- attitude. like... NO. you really don't have to put up with it and you didn't deserve it --- if she's spreading hurtful lies and damaging you and your life DIRECTLY... that doesn't have an excuse and you shouldn't view that as a punishment. you don't HAVE to tolerate ANY of this.

 

i understand that you have mutual friends but can't you tell them to STOP bringing her up? straight up. who knows if she'll go away. she can follow you around for years, i mean... that's a possibility, no? i think the best that you can is to clean the air around you. as in, don't allow folks to mention her or speak about her, block her on everything and just... don't think about her. at all. realistically, she can't do ANYTHING to you or your life... she cannot affect you in any real way. obviously, you have enough material to take her to the court so maybe it is time to let her know that you're ready for that step. have your lawyer call her or something - usually, that alone makes people stop.

 

p.s. i posted before i saw your last post, sorry.

[Birdies]

well, GOOD!

 

i also don't agree with the -ohhhhh, i deserved it... karma so i have to keep quiet and put up with it- attitude. like... NO. you really don't have to put up with it and you didn't deserve it --- if she's spreading hurtful lies and damaging you and your life DIRECTLY... that doesn't have an excuse and you shouldn't view that as a punishment. you don't HAVE to tolerate ANY of this.

 

i understand that you have mutual friends but can't you tell them to STOP bringing her up? straight up. who knows if she'll go away. she can follow you around for years, i mean... that's a possibility, no? i think the best that you can is to clean the air around you. as in, don't allow folks to mention her or speak about her, block her on everything and just... don't think about her. at all. realistically, she can't do ANYTHING to you or your life... she cannot affect you in any real way. obviously, you have enough material to take her to the court so maybe it is time to let her know that you're ready for that step. have your lawyer call her or something - usually, that alone makes people stop.

 

p.s. i posted before i saw your last post, sorry.

 

No worries, and thanks. Yeah I think just complete ignoring of the exBW is the best strategy going forward. Thank you for your thoughts, honestly. I appreciate it, even all the scolding. I'm not used to drama and inexplicable behavior in my life, so this past couple years has been a lot to handle (both my own really shocking, immoral actions and having so badly hurt someone whom I loved the most in the world - and then having to deal with a really unpredictable and malicious person with a tenable grasp on reality). So perhaps I've focused more on it than I should, just because it's all so unbelievable, you know? And as exMM and I were both going through the most traumatic experiences of our lives, I wanted to be there for him and be a listening ear, as he'd kept all of this private from everyone for so long so as not to turn others even more against his wife than they already were. And this has been brought. Ack into the forefront of my mind by some of her recent actions....

 

But we need to find our own life completely divorced, so to speak, from the difficulties of the past year. "Let it go....let it goooooo!" Thank you Elsa, and thanks agin all. I appreciate a space to discuss without people resorting to just the most basic tropes about OW/MWs, MMS, and BWs.