His ex at Xmas????? AH! How do I fit in with this family????

[fudgit]

His ex comes to family events!

 

So, I guess it's not so much jealousy, it's me feeling insecure. His ex of eight years who happens to be the mother of his child is always invited to his mother's house for family events that we attend. Where does this put me? I've only been in the picture for six months and I know he loves me and is saving up for a ring but....

 

I can't help but feel out of place when his family still includes her in celebrations and get togethers. I feel like everyone is always comparing me to her.... when I'm sitting next to her, politely smiling and trying to maintain my composure while not letting anyone know that I'm dying on the inside...... are they all silently judging which of us is prettier, sweeter, kinder, more fun, etc?

 

I've gone out of my way to say nothing but nice things about the ex. When her name comes up in conversations, I comment about what a nice talk I had with her last time I saw her. Whenever their little boy tells me that he loves his Mommy, I say "That's wonderful! And she loves you too!" I'm trying so hard to be the supportive and understanding girlfriend that my boyfriend deserves but SERIOUSLY!

 

The worst thing is that I know she wants him back. And though I have no doubts about his love for me, I can't help but feel like she's working his family! She knows that his family still cares for her. Obviously they do! They invite her to everything! But sharing a table with her at Easter is not easy to stomach when I see her looking at him....... ugh.....

 

This weekend is another event and I find myself sitting at work, not working, but trying to figure out what I'm going to wear so that I wont feel like I'm in her shadow. I go to these events and tollerate the time that I should be enjoying... I wait impatiently for the day to end so that I can drop the act.

 

Any advice on how to find my niche in this new family? Or at least on how to not let her get to me?

[whichwayisup]

She should drop by with their child when you are not there. She is NOT part of the "family" anymore. You and him are together now, so it's not fair to you at all to go for family gatherings, Christmas etc. Talk to your boyfriend about it and let him know how it makes you feel. I'm sure his family will understand. Puts alot of pressure on you and it's definately not the most comfortable situation either.

[d'Arthez]

Technically speaking she is the mother of your bf's child. So if she were not there, and the child were there, she would not be behaving as a responsible parent, would she? Could you explain to a young child, why its mother is not to be present on these family get togethers? I doubt that.

 

You are only in the picture for 6 months - hardly long enough to know that the relationship will still exist in 5 or 10 years. The kid will be confused, and may even start to resent you, if you were to let his his ex be kicked out of the family get togethers. Are you willing to risk that?

 

And to celebrate Christmas on two days may be possible. But it's kind of hard, when there is only one Thanksgiving, one July the 4th etc.

 

All in all, I think you would be wise to talk to your bf, and talk about your insecurities.

[fudgit]

The thing is, he doesn't want her there either! It's my bf's family celebrations and he's none too comfortable with her being invited either. He doesn't get invited to HER family's Christmas or other holidays. But he can't control who his mother invites to her own home. I don't think it would be irresponsible of her to choose not to attend HIS family's events. There are plenty children being raised by divorced or seperated parents in this world. I was one of them! I spent Thanksgiving with Dad, Xmas with Mom, Halloween with Dad, Easter with Mom, etc. I can't help but think that it's rude for her to accept these invitations now that I'm in the picture.

 

Yes. I am insecure. I know that his family still loves her and it's difficult for me to form a relationship with his mother and sister when I know they already have one with her.

 

I want to marry this man someday but I know that when you marry the man you marry the family.

 

So, HOW DO I GET OVER THE INSECURITY?

[Jlmic1]

Sounds like a pretty s***ty situation-

 

There is NO REASON WHATSOEVER why this woman should be at HIS family functions. She is not his family. When there is a child to consider, then the parents have to simply explain to the child the reasons why the child will no longer be with both parents at the same time.

 

It is absolutley ABNORMAL for situations like this to continue. I don't blame you at all for being upset.

 

I would voice my opinion if I were you. You are not being insecure, in my opinion.

 

You're upset about something that any human being in their right mind would be upset about.

 

The best course of action is to talk to your bf. You said he doesn't want her at his family's functions either, so maybe that will get the ball rolling.

 

No woman would deal with that situation for too long, if at all.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

I think it's great .. My mom used to be invited to my parties growing up by my dad and step mother..

 

Makes for a well-adjusted child.

 

The problems you are having are your problems.. If it upsets you so bad talk to your husband and have him talk to his mother.

 

 

I do think you need to put aside your inscurities for these times.. You are the step mom ... Act like one

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by Jlmic1

There is NO REASON WHATSOEVER why this woman should be at HIS family functions. She is not his family. When there is a child to consider, then the parents have to simply explain to the child the reasons why the child will no longer be with both parents at the same time.

 

Neither should she then. She is not married to her boyfriend. They (as far as I know) are not even engaged.

 

In fact barring a tragedy, the child will be a permanent part of the family. And with that also the childs mother, and not only from a legal point of view. She can't run off to the other side of the world with the child, and neither can OP and her bf.

 

Explain that to a child? How would you do that? The child will see it as a punishment without doubt - and as it is younger than 8 years, how can a child defend itself, against all the soft lies its parents would need to say why it is necessary? It is only necessary becasue someone does not want to deal with her own insecurities.

[fudgit]

By all means I would invite this woman to our home for a birthday party or something of that nature. I believe she would do the same for me. Don't get me wrong...... I want to be supportive of her the relationship this child has with all of his parents. But there's got to be a line where our family is divided from hers.... right?

 

As far as talking it over with my boyfriend, he understands my situation. But there's no changing the rest of his family. So, when you can't change the world, the only choice is to change yourself. My burden now is to figure out how to accept that I will have this woman in areas of my life where she isn't welcome..... ugh....

[fudgit]

HOLD IT! GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE THERE!

 

PLEASE REFER TO MY ORIGINAL POST WHEN I ASKED FOR HELP IN DEALING WITH MY INSECURITY OVER THIS ISSUE. DON'T GO SAYING THAT I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH MY INSECURITIES. I DO!

 

THIS IS NOT A MATTER OF WHO SHOULD BE PERMITTED WHERE. THIS IS A MATTER OF ME ASKING FOR HELP DEALING WITH MY FEELINGS ABOUT IT. THERE IS NO BLAME HERE. I'M MERELY TRYING TO UNDERSTAND AND WORK THIS OUT FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE.

 

SO CHILL. IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, DON'T SAY IT AT ALL.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

I did think you were married.. Sorry my bad .. Just replace step mom with future step mom

 

I don't know if there is anything anybody can say to get you to have more security in this situation.. As the GF you don't have much power in these type of situations.. You just gotta live with 'em

 

Try and look at it from the point of view that it is best for the child..

[Jlmic1]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

Neither should she then. She is not married to her boyfriend. They (as far as I know) are not even engaged.

 

In fact barring a tragedy, the child will be a permanent part of the family. And with that also the childs mother, and not only from a legal point of view. She can't run off to the other side of the world with the child, and neither can OP and her bf.

 

Explain that to a child? How would you do that? The child will see it as a punishment without doubt - and as it is younger than 8 years, how can a child defend itself, against all the soft lies its parents would need to say why it is necessary? It is only necessary becasue someone does not want to deal with her own insecurities.

 

With all due respect, are you currently with someone who has a child?

 

How would you feel being at your wife or girlfriends family functions rubbing elbows at the dinner table with her ex?

 

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I do believe she is reffering to general family functions, not parties for the kid. If the child's mother were present at the childs b-day party etc.. with the family, that would be different than being with his family at parties that are not being thrown soley in the child's honor.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by Jlmic1

How would you feel being at your wife or girlfriends family functions rubbing elbows at the dinner table with her ex?

Not comfortable. But I would also remember that my gf / wife would have chosen to be with me, and not with the ex. Sure he may be present, and the ex and I might be compared. But that will happen, whether the ex is present or not. It will happen when the gathering is over too. Behind my back. Or do you believe, that things like that don't happen? And the only judgement that really counts, is the judgement of my gf / wife.

Sure he may look at her, touch her, but in the end, I know she will go home with me, and not with the ex.

 

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I do believe she is reffering to general family functions, not parties for the kid. If the child's mother were present at the childs b-day party etc.. with the family, that would be different than being with his family at parties that are not being thrown soley in the child's honor.

 

How would you explain it to the child? Even if it were rallies for either of the big political parties, a child does not make all these "classy" distinctions adults make. That is one thing to consider, how much you'd hate that. Yes, that means putting up with the occasional uncomfortable situation.

 

It is uncomfortable for the OP, true. I never denied that. But because she is 6 months with the guy, it does not mean that the ex and the relationship between the child and his mother have ceased to exist. The relationship between the bf and his ex will in all likelihood continue to exist, at least until the child is of legal age.

 

There may be a detachment from the family with his ex, but it is far from a certainty that it will happen. To the parents of the bf, this woman is still the mother of their grandchild - and even if the family is not plotting to get OP and the ex back together - that is a bond that cannot be undone. Clearly, as it is not the bf that invites the ex over, it will probably be his parents who do so. Perhaps because they like her, or solely because of the familial bond. It could be a combination of the two. The only way to "remove" her, is when you and your bf confront his parents. Again, don't expect the child to simply understand the consequences.

 

6 months is a short amount of time. You will need time to build up a bond with the family too. There is absolutely no guarantee that she will fade out of the picture at family gatherings. But either way, you will grow more confident in the family functions, and the more you do, the less you will be concerned about comparisons. Remember there are reasons why he is with you and not with her anymore.

[Jlmic1]

I would be concerned, that the mother and father of the child being together at family functions would give the child a sense of false hope that someday, his parents might get back together.

 

Not only that, but being a small child, he might begin to resent his dads girlfriend for what he may see as intruding on his family.

 

In a fairy-tale, it might seem like the right thing to do for everyone. But in the larger picture, it seems like a disaster waiting to happen.

 

It's true that when you date/marry someone with a child, you have to expect them to deal with the ex, and that the ex is going to be a small fraction of your life. SMALL fraction. There will inevitably be situations with the ex that are uncomfortable. But I don't think that she should be sharing Christmas dinner with her boyfriends ex

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by Jlmic1

Not only that, but being a small child, he might begin to resent his dads girlfriend for what he may see as intruding on his family.

Yes, his father's gf is already doing that, by having a relationship with his father. In the luckiest case, he will consider himself having two mothers, who care about him. If you make the child something that stands between the two women, the child will understand that, in all likelihood as a failing of the child himself.

 

It's true that when you date/marry someone with a child, you have to expect them to deal with the ex, and that the ex is going to be a small fraction of your life. SMALL fraction. There will inevitably be situations with the ex that are uncomfortable. But I don't think that she should be sharing Christmas dinner with her boyfriends ex

There is a child between the ex and him, and that alone means, that either the child is present, or that he or she can be called practically every moment of the day. Concerning his health, visitation rights, school, you name it. If you drop of the child at the ex, parental responsibilities don't disappear, until the little kid is entering your place again.

 

Logically speaking, the mother has the right to withdraw the child from 50% of the family functions. Be it Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday celebration et cetera. If you don't put up with this, it would also mean, that the family events would have to be planned around the kid, or that the kid simply would not be present. If there are more kids in the family with separated parents, it would become almost impossible to arrange for these gatherings.

 

The above are things to consider for the family too. It might be easier for them to have the ex around, so that you don't have to wonder who the kid is when he is 18, because you barely saw him. Especially for the cousins, and uncles and aunts.

[fiatflux]

Is your boyfriend aware that she still has a thing for him? Has she done anything else to indicate that she wants him back besides staring at him longingly at these events? I don't think you would be nearly as insecure if she was showing no interest in him ... yes it might still be a bit awkward, but you wouldn't feel threatened.

 

If your suspicion is correct, then no wonder that you feel insecure. You feel like you are still having to compete for his affections. Maybe what actually needs to happen is a conversation between your boyfriend and his ex ... so that he can lay it on the line with her that there is no chance of a future together, and ask her to please stop 'mooning' over him in your presence.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

YOU have the guy, therefore YOU are in control. Think of how she feels sitting there with YOU at her ex's side and this family isn't even really hers anymore, and to her it is looking more and more like all that was hers will be YOURS. Doesn't that wipe away some of the insecurities you have?

 

All you need to do is be classy about it.

[fudgit]

Thanks to everyone for your input. The weekend worked out really well and I think I'm starting to form what might even be considered a friendship with the ex. I think I was just in panic mode. After this weekend I realize that I AM in control and I shouldn't feel insecure because he's with me. If he wanted her, he could have her. And if the family still cares for her.... good for them. It's tough to find my place but I know that when I get there, they'll care for me as whole heartedly as well.

[kitchwitch]

I've been with my husband for 13 years. He has a daughter from a previous marriage. For the first year of our marriage, my husband's ex-wife LIVED with my in-laws (and we were 20 minutes from all of them). She wasn't just there for holidays, she was always there...it was her home. I'm not going to lie and say that it wasn't strange, difficult and emotionally exhausting. It was all of those things and so very much more. But I will tell you the thing that got me through it. I thought about how it would be if he and I were divorced (gag...not like that's going to happen, but the rationale helped). I thought about how I wouldn't want to just farm our children out to various family members without my presence. I thought about how it would feel to lose what was my family b/c he decided to have another one. Those things would hurt and I don't want to be the kind of person who causes someone else to hurt. It gave me peace in my own spirit and that kept peace in the family.

Best of luck to you. j.

[magda]

If your boyfriend doesn't like having her there either, he needs to talk to his mother, and everyone else who's doing the inviting. Just because it's his baby momma doesn't mean she needs to be at every event or that the child will endure punishment because she is not. Your boyfriends mother doesn't want to let go... if I were you I'd try to sucker up to her a little when She's not around.