Tanyasinclair Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 So... the last several years, my parents have been having some very serious marital problems. It has finally gotten to the point over the last year or so where they are no longer exploding or screaming at each other, and I am extremely grateful for the fact that.... well, there is relative peace, at least as much as I can ever hope to expect at this point. There is also the fact that Mom at least has shown genuine remorse and has been bending over backwards trying to make things up to me in any way she realistically can, and I know she is genuinely sorry. And in fact, I do forgive her, even if she gets on my nerves at times (really, what family member doesn't get on your nerves at times?) the one I really can't forgive is Dad. Long story short, Dad is apparently an emotionally damaged computer, (we have suspected that he has Aspergers and possibly depression), and he's apparently always been the type to go with what feels good/looks good/sounds good at the moment, (especially if some person happens to smile enough or give him enough warm and positive attention), and... I don't know, I think in some ways he is just a sad and lost individual who never got the kind of love and understanding he needed throughout his entire life, and... he probably needed professional help, which probably wasn't readily available or understood back in his youth as it kinda is today. But basically... what happened (among other things) is that a few years ago, he cheated on Mom by getting involved with a couple of women online. And ever since then, they have been hashing out what went wrong, Mom's been trying to determine where they both went wrong, and so on and so forth. But anyway.... I overheard them having one of their discussions tonight, where Mom was upset, and well..... She demanded an answer from him, an answer she has been trying to get out of him for a long time now. She demanded to know how he could have done the cheating behind her back in the first place, and especially... why didn't he tell her? He said that it was because he knew she would go berserk. And indicated he just didn't want to deal with that reaction. She then said that if he knew that he was going to get that reaction from her for his actions, then shouldn't he have known that what he did/was doing at the time was wrong? He answered, very clearly, that just because he didn't want to deal with her reaction it didn't mean he did anything wrong, just that he didn't want to deal with her reaction over it. Which..... has opened up a can of worms, methinks, as anyone with ANY insight into the female psyche and any woman's emotions would definitely understand. Frankly... they have definitely been kinda over this thing before, too, and I overheard the same words I've heard many times. Apparently, Mom has also pointed out (not the first time) that if he just wanted women for sex, there probably would have been plenty of females he could have simply had that with out there and no-one would have cared, but.... considering his cold attitude toward human nature, and how inconsiderate he is of other people's feelings, why did he get married? Though my personal theory is that he wanted one woman all to himself and that he still wanted the freedom to do whatever, annnnd I think he also felt the pressures of society, because.... well, especially if you had a relatively Christian influence in your life, you get taught that sex outside of marriage is no-no, etc, (although even though *I* was taught that you shouldn't have sex until after marriage, I found out in recent years that apparently they'd had sex before THEIR marriage). Just... I don't know. I am just accepting the fact more and more that my parents are crazy, and in some ways I'm probably just as crazy as they are, even if I think I've managed to learn some life-lessons that they still haven't quite learned. Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 what's the question? it's your parents relationship and not yours. you can be thankful for that. So long as you don't repeat the pattern... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tanyasinclair Posted February 7, 2017 Author Share Posted February 7, 2017 I just... I don't know. In some ways I just can't help but feel like I am personally involved, because I have a way of getting mentally caught up in other people's ongoing drama like its some kind of narrative. I guess it's just... I'm trying to determine whether there is any right or wrong in that relationship, or if it really is all a matter of perspective and perception. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 I just can't help but feel like I am personally involved, because I have a way of getting mentally caught up in other people's ongoing drama But you are NOT personally involved. Researching ways, and utilizing tools and techniques, to gain full and proper control of your mental and emotional processes would be your best and sanest option to extricate yourself from the potential to muddle through life being tossed hither and yon, like some out-of-control ship struggling, unwanted and uninvited, through other people's stormy seas. Link to post Share on other sites
fivegrands Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 It is very difficult not to feel emotionally involved in your parents' problems because you care so much about each of them and want them to be happy. However, you don't have to continue the patterns of your parents into your generation. It is important that you figure out for certain what you believe to be right or wrong, and follow your own moral code and value system. Parents always want a better life for their children, so sometimes what they try to instill in you is different than what they have lived so that you don't have to go through some of the issues they have experienced due to their life choices. It might be helpful to seek the counsel of a pastor, to help you sort through your emotions and assist in your search for answers. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Their house, their rules. Dont like it? Move. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 I don't know how complex your father's issues are. But his situation doesn't really sound all that different from all of the other cheating spouses on here or anywhere else. Wanting to keep a marriage,while at the same time wanting to cheat. Cake eating I think is the term they use. Not right by any means, but also not indicative of any deep individual problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 the family dynamics "EFFECT" this poster, ergo Its HER business to understand. She is asking for perspective and some leeway as she goes thru the after effects in which her father created. I disagree that the MOTHER "demanding" answers is the healthy way to resolve this long stemming discretion. OP- Contingent on how healthy you are in conveying your view point, a sit down with the family is in order. They both need to hear how its effecting you. I'm sincerely sorry that you are experiencing this....I've endured this as a young adult with parent figures...and no one can really give a one size fits all for the family healing....But Talking it out does ease the transition.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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