I am a manipulator.

[Tanyasinclair]

It... would seem so in some areas, at least. And although I will admit that I did get some pleasure out of it, I have also kicked myself over it many times. (Or sometimes, other people did the kicking for me, depending on who I ticked off or when. And sometimes I deserved it.)

 

If you're bored, lonely, lost, confused.... there will always be certain buttons you can push in another, especially if they sympathize with you and your problems, and particularly if you have enough genuine problems.

 

If you're around people enough, and if you're the quiet little observer, you can start to observe patterns. And sometimes... you can either get something out of it, or you can be a fire-starter, although...

 

I don't know, there are cases where I'm not exactly sure where more of the blame should rest, considering I'm responsible for my own attitude and actions, and the things I say, but.... sometimes, other people can get set off so easily, or even played so easily.

 

I mean, I currently have healthy interactions where some people have set boundaries with me without even being mean or anything.

 

One example:

 

With one of my former friends, anytime I started to act like a crybaby, anytime I started to complain about my depression or that this or that upset me, he would listen, sympathize, or sometimes even give me a gift to make me feel better.

 

With one of my other friends, I tried one time to use one of the same lines I used on the guy mentioned above, and this friend was basically like, "Look, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or anything, but I'm not responsible for your mental/emotional health. I like talking to you, and I don't mind listening sometimes, but I have problems I am dealing with myself that I'd rather not discuss, and I can't handle heavy topics all the time."

 

In the case of what happened in the second paragraph, I simply respected his wishes and I backed off, and I've tried my best to keep any topics I have with him more limited or just... well, less heavy.

 

But in the case of the former dude... I don't know. I'll admit it's the same dude I had a bad crush/infatuation on. It's just... the thing is, I also know that he was hurt and used by people before, and in his own way he has such a dear kind heart, it's just....

 

I don't know. It just seems like... I've had cases over the years where.... yes, I would be a bleeding heart, I will even admit I have been a major leech to some degree, (especially during times when I was very emotionally distraught), but... it's almost like some individuals can... welcome it? Even reward it to a degree even if that is not their intent?

 

I guess that is also the sign of a toxic interaction, but... for a time, this person was one of my rocks, and he did make me feel better, but... because of how willing he was to give to people he felt for, who he considered friends, whom he felt he could help....

 

Well, bear in mind that I am crazy and I have kind of a sadistic imagination and I have also written some pretty sick stories and discussed sick concepts with people, so... I have a twisted mind already. But... something about this guy... he was always so... so very understanding of people, he believed that everybody was basically good, and that there was a reason behind anyone's attitude or behavior no matter what they have done. And if you felt bad, he wanted to listen if he could, and he wanted to make you feel better.

 

I think... unfortunately, this kinda lead to some bad behaviors in me at times, because... well, please bear in mind that for a long time, I was also used to drama and toxicity, so perhaps I had to outgrow this a bit. But I kinda did things like.... I talked about self-harm, I discussed many different angles of depression and having bad thoughts, and he left me wanting to come back for more. I even found myself wishing and wishing that something horrible would happen to me in my life again, just so I'd have a very legit excuse to go wailing to him and get his care and concern.

 

I will say... I have definitely been knocking off that habit especially since I cut ties with him and a few other people.

 

And I also feel like the people I am aroundish now are not quite so prone to encourage or put up with that kind of whiny or manipulative behavior in me, and they don't really do anything to instigate or help intitiate it or... feel like I want to go down that road.

 

Just.... I don't think anyone even did anything intentional, and I'm not trying to blame others for my own bad behavior or put anything on them, it's just.....

 

I don't know. Sometimes, I think some people can just be... toxic, in the way that they are enabling. Especially if they somehow leave you wanting to come back for more of whatever it is.

 

So... I don't know, do you think I am/was a manipulator, if I did prey upon and play people in this way, even if... they did allow it? :/

[Sweetfish]

You simply manipulate because if you were your true self... you are afraid no one will have compassion. So you use normal problems to feed off other people to substitute your real problems. Those who can't see your really hurting or see your true side you don't respect.

 

Those who see you for who you truly are or close to it and those that you have to seek for attention because they are not enablers...you value them more.

 

is that about right....

 

Yes..you are a manipulator.

 

So when you do fall for someone and you learn their patterns you will eventually devalue them..