Letting WS read story thread?

[Overtaxed]

Was wondering if anyone here ever pointed or told their spouse to read their "story" thread on this board? I think some parts of it could be helpful to my WW, other parts, I'm concerned the feelings/emotions are too raw. Of course, there's no way to tell if she's already read it, it's an open forum, but we've discussed many of the things said in my "story" thread and a lot of the responses, I'm wondering if just letting her read the whole thing might be helpful?

[brigitte 1]

Was wondering if anyone here ever pointed or told their spouse to read their "story" thread on this board? I think some parts of it could be helpful to my WW, other parts, I'm concerned the feelings/emotions are too raw. Of course, there's no way to tell if she's already read it, it's an open forum, but we've discussed many of the things said in my "story" thread and a lot of the responses, I'm wondering if just letting her read the whole thing might be helpful?

 

Does she know you posted on this forum?

[JS84]

I'd recommend directing her to another forum that deals with infidelity that she can learn from instead of your own personal thread and site you frequent.

 

You should really have your own space just for you where you can get advice, vent, use as a sounding board, ask questions, etc without her being able to read every detail or circumvent advice given to you because she's ahead of it.

 

Not going to give links to other marriage sites but I can PM you some if you like.

 

Your situation isnt unique. You can find similar stories without her having to read the details of yours.

[LivingWaterPlease]

There've been couples who've posted here together on the same thread in the past. Mrs.John Adams (ex WW) and her husband come to mind. Dkt3 and his ex WW, LovinDkt3 come to mind. There was another WW and her husband who both posted here for awhile, too, can't recall their names. He was a musician and his WW (now ex WW) had an A with his best friend.

 

The Adams and the Dkt3s stayed together. The Adams seem very happy and the Dkt3s, not sure about. Both Mrs.John Adams and Dkt3 post from time to time so you could probably pm either and discuss what it's like to have your WW read your posts.

[Ronni_W]

I'm wondering if just letting her read the whole thing might be helpful?

If it will be a helpful way for you to express some of your own thoughts and feelings -- which is sometimes difficult when we're 'live and on-the-spot', as it were -- then it will surely be helpful. BUT. I'd suggest to perhaps consider 'copy-pasting' into some document that you can edit, etc.; of course, deleting all identifiers.

 

Being somewhat anal myself, I'd probably keep a private copy with all the live links/user names, so that I can easily refer to them if needed in the future, and then do a 'save as' and edit the second copy to give to my spouse.

[brigitte 1]

It might just hurt her feelings depending upon what was said in your story thread.

[JohnAdams]

Was wondering if anyone here ever pointed or told their spouse to read their "story" thread on this board?

 

I did have my wife read my thread on another infidelity forum.

 

 

Before you direct your wife to your thread, a few questions. How does your wife feel about infidelity forums? If she seems receptive, that is a positive sign. Does she know you post here? If not, she may see that as you being secretive. Are you ok with her seeing your posts and others responses?

 

 

Overall, I think letting her read your thread may be a good thing. She can read your thoughts that maybe you could not or have not as yet told her. She can better see the hurt she caused. It may be good therapy for the two of you and create better dialogue and may help you in healing.

 

 

If she reads it with an open mind, it may be a good sign that she is willing to put in the work for a successful reconciliation.

 

 

Good luck in whatever route you choose.

[understand50]

In general I think it is a good idea. I showed my wife the link and that I post here. It can give then a insight into what you are thinking and what other think. Prepare her for all that she will read, but having her also read other stories may help.

 

My main reason was to not have secrets. Her keeping things from me was a big issues we had in the marriage, one we are still working on. I felt, that I had to be open as well.

 

I wish you luck.

[JamesM]

It was recommended to me once that I share my threads here with my wife about our sexless marriage. It is slightly different but yet similar. I considered it but never did for a few reasons.

 

One, my thoughts at the time were written from my emotions. They were not written with the idea that she would read them. Hence, wording was different than if she would read them. The thoughts were the same, but the wording was not always considerate of her emotions.

 

Two, it is entirely possible that reading my threads were make things worse. She would read them and because my emotions were shown, then she would become angry and retaliate. Possible even if not necessarily probable. It could cause her to retaliate and start her own thread with her own perspective. While her side may or may not be right, it would not be a step to reconcile or improve the marriage.

 

Three, once she had read my threads here, my privacy on LS would be gone. If I wanted to post about anything whether our marriage or my personal life, it no longer would be private. If I wanted that, then I would need to find a different board.

 

And lastly, she may wonder why I kept this private, and then the inevitable thought that we all have even if it isn't true, "What else are you hiding?"

 

You may have other reasons why you wonder if it is wise to show LS to your WW, but these are mine.

[heartwhole]

I don't think there's anything wrong with doing this, but personally I'd probably use posting to help me vent and clarify my thoughts and then try to address the issues more directly with my WS. In the early days when there still may be trickle truth and gas lighting I think the BS is entitled to sharing on forums without their WS's knowledge, but later in the process of reconciliation it falls under the "no secrets" policy that I think healthy marriages should adopt. I mention to my WH that I post on such and such forum and he can access my laptop if he wants but I really don't think he wants to pore over my every word. If I asked him to, I'm sure he would.

 

In the early days when I shared about his infidelity with our best friends and my sister and he was able to see the reaction of people who weren't me, it definitely opened his eyes to how far off track he'd gone. Because with me he was still in a defensive/combative mode and trying to blame shift, but when people on the outside were outraged and horrified he had to shift his mindset. So definitely outside perspectives are helpful but you can get that apart from a forum as well. Here there will be the usual WW-bashing which may overwhelm her.

[understand50]

I forgot to add the question: " Does this hurt or help your reconciliation in your mind?"

 

I wish you luck...

[Overtaxed]

I don't think there's anything wrong with doing this, but personally I'd probably use posting to help me vent and clarify my thoughts and then try to address the issues more directly with my WS. In the early days when there still may be trickle truth and gas lighting I think the BS is entitled to sharing on forums without their WS's knowledge, but later in the process of reconciliation it falls under the "no secrets" policy that I think healthy marriages should adopt. I mention to my WH that I post on such and such forum and he can access my laptop if he wants but I really don't think he wants to pore over my every word. If I asked him to, I'm sure he would.

 

In the early days when I shared about his infidelity with our best friends and my sister and he was able to see the reaction of people who weren't me, it definitely opened his eyes to how far off track he'd gone. Because with me he was still in a defensive/combative mode and trying to blame shift, but when people on the outside were outraged and horrified he had to shift his mindset. So definitely outside perspectives are helpful but you can get that apart from a forum as well. Here there will be the usual WW-bashing which may overwhelm her.

 

That's kind of my goal with sharing it, to try to get her to see how far off track she went. But I'm afraid of the WW bashing, if you've read my thread, most of those posting aren't exactly defensive of my wife (not that I want them to be, but I'm afraid it might be too much for her). But; there's still some blame shifting going on, and we've not told many people (any, really) on the outside exactly what's going on with us. So I fear she's getting too much sugarcoating from those we've shared limited details with (her family, we've contained it to an EA though, when in fact it was a EA/PA with some really hurtful elements on the PA side).

[Overtaxed]

I forgot to add the question: " Does this hurt or help your reconciliation in your mind?"

 

I wish you luck...

 

It helps; in my mind. But there's some really hurtful stuff in that thread, both shared by me (nothing rude, just raw emotions and unvarnished truth) and some really raw advice from posters (She doesn't love you, get out now).

 

I'm thinking that perhaps seeing it from other, 3rd party eyes might help her see it the way I do without me having to be the "bad guy" in some areas. Not sure though, I don't want to do it and just have her wind up hurt. And I also don't want to do it and have to stop posting here as our R or D unfolds.

[Overtaxed]

I did have my wife read my thread on another infidelity forum.

 

 

Before you direct your wife to your thread, a few questions. How does your wife feel about infidelity forums? If she seems receptive, that is a positive sign. Does she know you post here? If not, she may see that as you being secretive. Are you ok with her seeing your posts and others responses?

 

 

Overall, I think letting her read your thread may be a good thing. She can read your thoughts that maybe you could not or have not as yet told her. She can better see the hurt she caused. It may be good therapy for the two of you and create better dialogue and may help you in healing.

 

 

If she reads it with an open mind, it may be a good sign that she is willing to put in the work for a successful reconciliation.

 

 

Good luck in whatever route you choose.

 

She's not really expressed a "feeling" about the forums. She does know I post online, and she's "concerned" about it because she thinks that people will tell me to leave (and she's right, a lot of the posters have said that). What you say as "may be a good thing" is exactly my reason for considering sharing it. I'm not sure she realizes the depth of pain. I'm not sure she realizes how all of this looks from my point of view. And I think that may be hurting her in doing what she needs to do to bring this back together.

[oldshirt]

Remember we are merely strangers on the internet with our own ideas, agendas, bias' and hang ups. Noone here has any professional training or education in therapy or counseling.

 

Additionally many of the people here are BS's and harbor animosity, resentment and sometimes outright hostility towards WS's.

 

These forums are good places for people to vent, get things off their chest and gather a variety of opinions, perspectives and pointers. But it is no way shape or form to be considered therapy or counseling or professional advice.

 

I think any WS being directed to read the posts and comments by the OP and the posters here will feel attacked and vilified and will just build up more animosity and judgement against the BS/OP.

[JamesM]

I think any WS being directed to read the posts and comments by the OP and the posters here will feel attacked and vilified and will just build up more animosity and judgement against the BS/OP.

 

Very good point.

 

It would be like if the WS brought the BS to a forum where affairs were approved and where the people involved rationalized why the affair was necessary. The BS would be the villain and the WS would be the victim. Nothing good could come from it.

 

A better way would be (as may have been suggested) is to copy/paste your thoughts into a journal or blog and share that with your WW. It may be that you want her to see what others thought because those thoughts are yours too, but to her, it will probably be you showing her that others think she is horrible too.

[oldshirt]

I see directing a WS to a thread by the BS as akin to directing someone with cancer to folk-remedy forum where any Tom, Dick and Harry can post recipes for strawberry seed extract and hazelnut butter for a poultice, when what the person really needs is board certified oncologist using the latest treatments based on western medical science.

[oldshirt]

I see directing a WS to a thread by the BS as akin to directing someone with cancer to folk-remedy forum where any Tom, Dick and Harry can post recipes for strawberry seed extract and hazelnut butter for a poultice, when what the person really needs is board certified oncologist using the latest treatments based on western medical science.

 

I hit send to quickly.

 

My point is, infidelity is a cancer to a marriage and requires proper treatment by a credentialed professional - not folk-remedies by untrained strangers on the internet.

[Ronni_W]

What you say as "may be a good thing" is exactly my reason for considering sharing it. I'm not sure she realizes the depth of pain. I'm not sure she realizes how all of this looks from my point of view.

Well...it's up to you - your responsibility - to find your own words to express your own thoughts and feelings, your point of view and pain.

Have you, individually, for the sake of your marriage, each read:

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

, by Linda J. MacDonald

[aliveagain]

It helps; in my mind. But there's some really hurtful stuff in that thread, both shared by me (nothing rude, just raw emotions and unvarnished truth) and some really raw advice from posters (She doesn't love you, get out now).

 

I'm thinking that perhaps seeing it from other, 3rd party eyes might help her see it the way I do without me having to be the "bad guy" in some areas. Not sure though, I don't want to do it and just have her wind up hurt. And I also don't want to do it and have to stop posting here as our R or D unfolds.

 

Friend, nothing posted is as bad as she has done to you or your marriage with her affair. Third parties have nothing to gain by the outcome. The best we can do is help you avoid some of our mistakes. There is a lot of anger on some of the threads but sometimes seeing how total strangers are affected by their actions helps them understand how much worse it is for you because your living it. Once you disclose this site you lose your private place to vent.

[JohnAdams]

Friend, nothing posted is as bad as she has done to you or your marriage with her affair. Third parties have nothing to gain by the outcome. The best we can do is help you avoid some of our mistakes. There is a lot of anger on some of the threads but sometimes seeing how total strangers are affected by their actions helps them understand how much worse it is for you because your living it. Once you disclose this site you lose your private place to vent.

 

I was thinking the same thing. You are worried about her feelings reading your thread, yet she did not seem to mind hurting you in the worst way.

 

 

It may even be good for her to see the other BS's venting. This infidelity club is one that no one wants to be a member. She has changed your life forever. Seeing how infidelity affects people may be good for her.

[aileD]

I've never directed WH to this site, to read my stuff and he's never asked to. He knows it helps me cope.

 

That said, he has access to my phone and all that stuff so he could (who knows maybe he has) look at any time and I wouldn't care.

 

We are 5 mos into reconciliation

[brigitte 1]

I was thinking the same thing. You are worried about her feelings reading your thread, yet she did not seem to mind hurting you in the worst way.

 

 

It may even be good for her to see the other BS's venting. This infidelity club is one that no one wants to be a member. She has changed your life forever. Seeing how infidelity affects people may be good for her.

 

It won't be good for her. It will make her feel worse and perhaps make her want to throw in the towel. I don't think a "Look at what you did to me!" approach is the answer.

[aileD]

If anything direct her to the OW forum so that she can read the same story over and over and over again and maybe realize that her affair was probably textbook and not special or star crossed or soul mates.

 

It's an eye opener

[kgcolonel]

Overtaxed, first and foremost, I am very sorry you are going through this ordeal.....I would like to ask a couple of questions that I know have been asked and answered prior but sometimes those answers change as time and either progress or lack of progress occurs. So here goes:

 

I am not sure as to why you have shielded your WW from the full truth in disclosing to family etc....was it to protect her or to lessen the bridge to R should you begin on that path? It would seem to me that by only revealing the partial truth, you are not allowing her to fully comprehend the consequences and damage she has done with the full blown A.

 

Secondly, what is your WW telling you regarding her desire to R vs go her own way? Is she apologizing and asking what she needs to do to make you feel safe with her going forward etc? Also, (trying not to mix threads) what about the future sexual relations with her, is there any discussion or more likely thoughts as to how you can meet in a way that is acceptable to you both?

 

Thirdly, STD testing? This step for her may be the reality check needed to physically let her know just how far out of bounds she stepped in the even that she has not already understood this.

 

One final thought, polygraph would allow you to get the answers that you feel you need and show a level of commitment to R on her side....just a thought.

 

I for one would let her read the thread as it is the raw truth and even if it did shake her up, maybe that is what is needed to understand where you two are without any filters or disguises....