Letting WS read story thread?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I did have my wife read my thread on another infidelity forum.

 

 

Before you direct your wife to your thread, a few questions. How does your wife feel about infidelity forums? If she seems receptive, that is a positive sign. Does she know you post here? If not, she may see that as you being secretive. Are you ok with her seeing your posts and others responses?

 

 

Overall, I think letting her read your thread may be a good thing. She can read your thoughts that maybe you could not or have not as yet told her. She can better see the hurt she caused. It may be good therapy for the two of you and create better dialogue and may help you in healing.

 

 

If she reads it with an open mind, it may be a good sign that she is willing to put in the work for a successful reconciliation.

 

 

Good luck in whatever route you choose.

 

I will admit ... at first I was angry that my husband was sharing about me on a forum. I felt sort of betrayed... not in the sense of infidelity betrayal but that he was secretive and saying bad things about me and others were saying things about me and they did not even know me!

 

It hurt...but then as I read the thread ... it did help me to understand much better... what he was looking for... remorse true remorse.

 

I joined and also started sharing... which is dangerous because a lot of bs circle to attack wayward wife's like sharks... and they did

 

I cried buckets of tears... but as I look back

It All led to healing and turned out to be a very good thing.

 

It is not for the weak ... she will have to be strong to survive really looking at herself from strangers eyes.

 

I don't regret it because it helped us. But I recommend that you be there to support her ...

[brigitte 1]

Go to marriage counseling with your wife. All the facts need to be explored in a safe environment and an online forum isn't one. It's a great place to vent but it isn't safe and open for public viewing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Go to marriage counseling with your wife. All the facts need to be explored in a safe environment and an online forum isn't one. It's a great place to vent but it isn't safe and open for public viewing.

 

And we had a horrible mc that did more damage than good in our situation.

 

Everything has to be weighed and thought out.... and there is no one size fits all answer.

 

What worked for me may not work for you.

[Whoknew30]

Your whole pattern is "3rd" party. In your first post, you talked a lot about how others perceive your relationship, then you waned to talk to her friend bc "she" could have prevented your wife from doing this. Now you want not to be the bad guy & have her read other's thoughts to make a change in your marriage.

 

IMO, there really something off with that type of logic in a marriage. If you want to truly save your marriage than it has to come from you. Yes, getting advice is helpful but ultimately you are going to live with her. So every time you have a problem or want to say something she doesn't like, you're going to have other people talk to her.

 

You are going to have to work on personal communication, actually coming from you, if you want your marriage to work. Advice & therapy are to help YOU to be able to get things across yourself. Not as a substitute to go to bc you're not sure how to communicate with your own wife. Good luck

[Mrs. John Adams]

Your whole pattern is "3rd" party. In your first post, you talked a lot about how others perceive your relationship, then you waned to talk to her friend bc "she" could have prevented your wife from doing this. Now you want not to be the bad guy & have her read other's thoughts to make a change in your marriage.

 

IMO, there really something off with that type of logic in a marriage. If you want to truly save your marriage than it has to come from you. Yes, getting advice is helpful but ultimately you are going to live with her. So every time you have a problem or want to say something she doesn't like, you're going to have other people talk to her.

 

You are going to have to work on personal communication, actually coming from you, if you want your marriage to work. Advice & therapy are to help YOU to be able to get things across yourself. Not as a substitute to go to bc you're not sure how to communicate with your own wife. Good luck

 

Forums can be used as a tool just like suggesting reading a book or attending a seminar.

 

Ultimately there has to be communication between the two of them... but sometimes therapists or books or forums open that line of communication between them.

 

Forums have helped us tremendously... they opened dialogue and ideas and provided many useful tools toward our healing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I will even add this... we would not be where we are today in our relationship without forums.

[Marc878]

Any attempt to try and manipulate her to get her to do what you want is fruitless. She'll either come to terms or she won't but that'll be her issue to fix. You can't do it for her.

[wmacbride]

While I understand asking for advice o this topic, the reality is that no one on here knows her or how she could react to viewing your posts on a forum.

 

Some people can learn a great deal from it, while others see is as some form of personal attack, and some are humiliated that their life has been burst open for strangers to see.

 

I agree with the idea of starting an anonymous online blog. You can post your thoughts ad background story, and she can do the same and respond to your posts. It can do a world of good to write things out.

[Whoknew30]

Forums can be used as a tool just like suggesting reading a book or attending a seminar.

 

Ultimately there has to be communication between the two of them... but sometimes therapists or books or forums open that line of communication between them.

 

Forums have helped us tremendously... they opened dialogue and ideas and provided many useful tools toward our healing.

 

Agreed...my H is on another forum & it's helped.

 

This OP though is trying to actually use the fourum so he doesn't have to actually communicate with her. That isn't going to work. Spouses sometimes need a push but a couple isn't going to make it, if one spouse (especially a BS) is scared to communicate & or be open about what they want to.

 

She cheated & he's scared to be the bad guy...a couple isn't going to have a real reconciliation that way & it's making the marriage prime target for another A.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Agreed...my H is on another forum & it's helped.

 

This OP though is trying to actually use the fourum so he doesn't have to actually communicate with her. That isn't going to work. Spouses sometimes need a push but a couple isn't going to make it, if one spouse (especially a BS) is scared to communicate & or be open about what they want to.

 

She cheated & he's scared to be the bad guy...a couple isn't going to have a real reconciliation that way & it's making the marriage prime target for another A.

 

Well we don't really know his heart or hers.

 

I won't say what he is thinking because I dont really know.

 

You always risk something backfiring when the outcome is not predictable... and it might be a risk he is willing to take...

 

On the other hand... he can also choose to continue to do nothing and find himself losing regardless.

[Overtaxed]

Agreed...my H is on another forum & it's helped.

 

This OP though is trying to actually use the fourum so he doesn't have to actually communicate with her. That isn't going to work. Spouses sometimes need a push but a couple isn't going to make it, if one spouse (especially a BS) is scared to communicate & or be open about what they want to.

 

She cheated & he's scared to be the bad guy...a couple isn't going to have a real reconciliation that way & it's making the marriage prime target for another A.

 

Well, I'm not sure I'd agree with this 100%. We're communicating like crazy. Hours of deep conversation every night. So it's like I'm letting her sweep this under the rug, or just talking here and keeping it all from her. However, some of the things said in my thread; I just don't know how to get her to see. For example, she had sex in our home with the OM. Yes, I flipped out on her, yes, she knows it's wrong. But I don't think she understands how bad that part of it was; just so far over the line. And I don't know how to communicate that to her other than the dozens of replies in my thread that said "Whoh now, that's ridiculous, you need to leave".

 

I'm playing the bad guy, but, some of this stuff, how do you make them understand?

[Whoknew30]

Well we don't really know his heart or hers.

 

I won't say what he is thinking because I dont really know.

 

You always risk something backfiring when the outcome is not predictable... and it might be a risk he is willing to take...

 

On the other hand... he can also choose to continue to do nothing and find himself losing regardless.

 

He said "I don't want to be the bad guy"...his wife had an A & he's not afraid to go speak to her friend to blame her for his wife cheating but he's afraid to be the bad guy to the women that actually cheated on him.

 

He needs independent counsel ontop of MC...for his own sake. I think his mind is all jumbled & he shouldn't make any move until he gets himself help to clear his head.

[Overtaxed]

He said "I don't want to be the bad guy"...his wife had an A & he's not afraid to go speak to her friend to blame her for his wife cheating but he's afraid to be the bad guy to the women that actually cheated on him.

 

He needs independent counsel ontop of MC...for his own sake. I think his mind is all jumbled & he shouldn't make any move until he gets himself help to clear his head.

 

See my post above. I'm not afraid to be the bad guy, but, at the same time, I really don't think some of it getting through. My hope with sharing would be that seeing what other people harp on (which is the stuff that bothers me the most, in many cases) to realize that those things are specifically hurtful.

 

Nevertheless, I'm thinking that perhaps it's not the right idea or the right time.

[Mrs. John Adams]

He said "I don't want to be the bad guy"...his wife had an A & he's not afraid to go speak to her friend to blame her for his wife cheating but he's afraid to be the bad guy to the women that actually cheated on him.

 

He needs independent counsel ontop of MC...for his own sake. I think his mind is all jumbled & he shouldn't make any move until he gets himself help to clear his head.

 

He just answered this for you

 

His interpretation of bad guy and your definition may differ

 

Sometimes... in my case... my bs tried to express to me his pain...but I never really understood it.. until I read case after case... story after story..and could literally see the destruction for others did I really then understand what I had done to him.

 

In my case and I can only speak for me... forums opened my eyes and took me to another place outside of my own world.

 

Some of us need more help than others... I was one of those.

 

Maybe his wife is like me... and maybe a really rude emotional awakening is exactly what she needs.

 

Like I said it could backfire... he has to decide if he is willing to take the risk and in the long run ...does he really lose anything if it makes her slam the door in the relationship?

[Whoknew30]

Well, I'm not sure I'd agree with this 100%. We're communicating like crazy. Hours of deep conversation every night. So it's like I'm letting her sweep this under the rug, or just talking here and keeping it all from her. However, some of the things said in my thread; I just don't know how to get her to see. For example, she had sex in our home with the OM. Yes, I flipped out on her, yes, she knows it's wrong. But I don't think she understands how bad that part of it was; just so far over the line. And I don't know how to communicate that to her other than the dozens of replies in my thread that said "Whoh now, that's ridiculous, you need to leave".

 

I'm playing the bad guy, but, some of this stuff, how do you make them understand?

 

OP...it's not your job to get her to see. If she can't really see what she's done, then she doesn't care. I hated my H at the time of my A but as soon as I saw the look on his face when I told, I fully understood what I did & felt like the biggest scum of the earth.

 

Guilt & true remorse have to come from her bc that's what actually she feels. If your face & emotions didn't show that to her, why would you think a bunch of comments strangers are going to make her feel that way? & if that is true, is that what you want to deal with...a spouse that doesn't take your emotions & feelings to heart? Where does that end?

 

I'm just being logically honest with you. I can't speak for everyone but if a bunch of strangers comments were taken more serious by my H vs my feelings, I'd be extremely upset. I'm not saying she doesn't feel bad but if to take someone into your home, speaks volumes about her character to begin & if she really doesn't "get" how hurtful that is, that doesn't sound like she's learned or truly feels bad about it. Knowing something is wrong doesn't mean someone feels bad about it. You have decide for yourself, if you're ok with what your seeing & getting from her.

 

Doesn't sound like you're seeing what you want...the ball is your court not hers. If you don't see what you want, you can't force it. It's all I'm saying.

[Mrs. John Adams]

OP...it's not your job to get her to see. If she can't really see what she's done, then she doesn't care. I hated my H at the time of my A but as soon as I saw the look on his face when I told, I fully understood what I did & felt like the biggest scum of the earth.

 

Guilt & true remorse have to come from her bc that's what actually she feels. If your face & emotions didn't show that to her, why would you think a bunch of comments strangers are going to make her feel that way? & if that is true, is that what you want to deal with...a spouse that doesn't take your emotions & feelings to heart? Where does that end?

 

I'm just being logically honest with you. I can't speak for everyone but if a bunch of strangers comments were taken more serious by my H vs my feelings, I'd be extremely upset. I'm not saying she doesn't feel bad but if to take someone into your home, speaks volumes about her character to begin & if she really doesn't "get" how hurtful that is, that doesn't sound like she's learned or truly feels bad about it. Knowing something is wrong doesn't mean someone feels bad about it. You have decide for yourself, if you're ok with what your seeing & getting from her.

 

Doesn't sound like you're seeing what you want...the ball is your court not hers. If you don't see what you want, you can't force it. It's all I'm saying.

 

If she doesn't see it is because she doesn't know what she is looking for and he has not been able to tell her....

 

It is not because she doesn't care. I cared.. I cared big time... but he couldn't tell me what he was looking for and I thought I was giving him what he needed.

 

Look he can point her here and she can say screw you... I am not reading it. Or she could say ... now I understand....

 

But you are making some judgements about the both of them based on your own experience and your experience is toatally different from mine.

 

And neither one may be applicable to her....

[aliveagain]

Bringing another man into your home and having sex with him is about as disrespectful as a wayward spouse can be towards the betrayed spouse. Defiling his temple, his sanctuary takes a harder toll on the husband, his ego and his feeling of safety. Not only can you not go to her to be consoled but you now have no place that feels sacred or safe. She let a predator into your home willingly, she not only defiled you but everything that feels safe to you.

 

My recommendation is to get rid of everything he touched or used that now stinks of him. Your couch, the towels, glass's, coffee cups and anything he used that facilitated their fornication. Make her pay for everything you replace even if she needs to get a part time job(assuming you don't get rid of her with the couch). Guys have a really hard time reconciling with a wife that disrespected him in his own house. It shows just how little respect she has for him or their marriage. Think hard if this is who you want to grow old with.

[aliveagain]

Forgot, feel free to print and show her my post.

[Overtaxed]

Bringing another man into your home and having sex with him is about as disrespectful as a wayward spouse can be towards the betrayed spouse. Defiling his temple, his sanctuary takes a harder toll on the husband, his ego and his feeling of safety. Not only can you not go to her to be consoled but you now have no place that feels sacred or safe. She let a predator into your home willingly, she not only defiled you but everything that feels safe to you.

 

My recommendation is to get rid of everything he touched or used that now stinks of him. Your couch, the towels, glass's, coffee cups and anything he used that facilitated their fornication. Make her pay for everything you replace even if she needs to get a part time job(assuming you don't get rid of her with the couch). Guys have a really hard time reconciling with a wife that disrespected him in his own house. It shows just how little respect she has for him or their marriage. Think hard if this is who you want to grow old with.

 

Yeah, tell me about it man. As I said in my other thread, I know I could step out if I got myself into a compromising situation. I further know I could lie to her, as she did to me, and turn all the problems around on her while I was sleeping with another woman on the side. I see this part of myself, and, while I'm not happy about it, I know I have the capacity to do it to her, and I try to make sure I protect against being in situations where things can escalate.

 

But in our home? Holy s**t. That's just another level. I can't imagine doing that. Frankly, if we D, and I stayed in this house, I think I'd have trouble bringing another woman here, just because this place would always be seen, in my eyes, as "our home", even if she was gone. I know I'd move, regardless of the situation, simply because it would eat me alive over time; seeing her in the rooms, thinking about what we did/talked about in each of those locations. I couldn't do it, and this is AFTER A D.

 

I can say with absolute certainty (and I can't say much anymore with that level of clarity), I couldn't do it. Doesn't matter how hot the woman is. How mad I was at my spouse. I've never been madder at her in my entire life than I am right now; she already did it to me, I'd be "justified" in returning the favor. And I still couldn't do it, not in our home.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Bringing another man into your home and having sex with him is about as disrespectful as a wayward spouse can be towards the betrayed spouse. Defiling his temple, his sanctuary takes a harder toll on the husband, his ego and his feeling of safety. Not only can you not go to her to be consoled but you now have no place that feels sacred or safe. She let a predator into your home willingly, she not only defiled you but everything that feels safe to you.

 

My recommendation is to get rid of everything he touched or used that now stinks of him. Your couch, the towels, glass's, coffee cups and anything he used that facilitated their fornication. Make her pay for everything you replace even if she needs to get a part time job(assuming you don't get rid of her with the couch). Guys have a really hard time reconciling with a wife that disrespected him in his own house. It shows just how little respect she has for him or their marriage. Think hard if this is who you want to grow old with.

 

The one thing he touched that means the most.. is his wife. The other things are just "things" and I understand your feelings to get rid of them...and I also understand getting rid of the wife that defiled them.

 

But if a man chooses to keep his defiled and dirty wife... he has to understand that holding on to this mindset of removing defiled things ... will prevent reconciliation.

 

If you continue to look at your wife as filthy dirty and defiled...

She will never be able to see you as a forgiving man....

 

Don't misunderstand... I know that for some divorce is the only answer...

 

But this man seems to want reconciliation...

[Overtaxed]

It would depend on how volatile she is around the story? Does the slight mention of it even upset or anger her?

 

It would be great to let her know your side of the story but remember, things seen cannot be unseen!

 

No, she's pretty reasonable/rational when we discuss it. Yes, she's upset and cries sometimes, but I wouldn't say the "slightest mention" upsets her. She's just generally upset, talking about it doesn't seem to have a huge impact on her overall happiness.

 

Yup, for sure. I know I need the details about the sex, but, man, some of it I'm terrified to hear in her words. I already know much of it, and hearing the rest will be very difficult, and; there's no way to stop the mind movies once you know the "script". And that's why I'm a bit worried about letting her loose in the thread, she'll see things in there that she can never unsee. I suspect some of it will haunt her.

[BoaConstrictor]

I had a short online-only emotional affair and my husband posted about it on a forum he regularly goes to. He only mentioned the comments to me, and one really, really irked me. I did not find it productive at all. It doesn't matter the content of it, but there's absolutely no way I would want to read any of the betrayed spouse forums here on LS if I were the wayward spouse. I think it's a big risk with very little gain for you, to be honest.

 

If you really want her to see, then why don't you cut and paste the things you think she should see and filter out the blunter or harsher comments about her?

[aliveagain]

The one thing he touched that means the most.. is his wife. The other things are just "things" and I understand your feelings to get rid of them...and I also understand getting rid of the wife that defiled them.

 

But if a man chooses to keep his defiled and dirty wife... he has to understand that holding on to this mindset of removing defiled things ... will prevent reconciliation.

 

If you continue to look at your wife as filthy dirty and defiled...

She will never be able to see you as a forgiving man....

 

Don't misunderstand... I know that for some divorce is the only answer...

 

But this man seems to want reconciliation...

 

Mrs. J.A. I respect you and John and what you both post. I have to tell you though I can relate to Overtaxed regarding bringing the affair partner into his home, that's a direct hit on him that is above the infidelity. I remember what it was like to find another man's used shirt hanging in my walk in closet.

[understand50]

Overtaxed,

 

Again the question, does help or hurt the reconciliation? (If that is what you are seeking) Is having her read about your struggles something that may open her eyes, or will it just hurt her? I think that because of what she has done and how she has done it, there will be a lot of hurt for her, just facing up to what she became, is going to be painful. This can be a good thing, as Mrs. J.A. has suggested.

 

You also need to decide, if having sex in your home is a deal breaker. I have read both things from you to I am not really that upset about the Sex, compared to the emotional component. Some guys are able to see past the sex, and fix on the feelings part. You need to decide, as it is your life, not ours. Aliveagain's story is really pretty bad as to what his wife did to him, and the child in question. It is a bar that is really low. Mrs J.A. and my wife, had a ONS, and that proved to be more forgivable in the great scheme of things. There are other examples. Aliveagain was not able to reconcile, and truth be told, if the same happen to me, I would have divorced as well.

 

Both Mr Adams and I were able to forgive and reconcile, and build a strong marriage. Where you fall, and where you fit, will be up to you, but also with your wife. Remember, your wife is a free agent here, and does have decisions to make herself. Does she want to try and reconcile? Is she willing to put int he hard work? Are you? The sooner both of you decide to commit to reconciliation, the sooner you both can work to heal. Then reading what you have wrote, may just be part of the "Fix"

 

I wish you luck.....

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mrs. J.A. I respect you and John and what you both post. I have to tell you though I can relate to Overtaxed regarding bringing the affair partner into his home, that's a direct hit on him that is above the infidelity. I remember what it was like to find another man's used shirt hanging in my walk in closet.

 

I can't "relate" to it because I never experienced it... but I can certainly imagine how devastating it must have been.

 

My point wasn't a slam to you my friend... my point was if he thinks of her in the way you have described.. reconciliation most likely will not be successful. And if he is not contemplating reconciliation then there is no need for him to bring her here to read his thread.

 

If you cannot get past the sin and still care for the sinner .. you may as well throw her out with the sofa and the dishes.