Letting WS read story thread?

[Whoknew30]

If she doesn't see it is because she doesn't know what she is looking for and he has not been able to tell her....

 

It is not because she doesn't care. I cared.. I cared big time... but he couldn't tell me what he was looking for and I thought I was giving him what he needed.

 

Look he can point her here and she can say screw you... I am not reading it. Or she could say ... now I understand....

 

But you are making some judgements about the both of them based on your own experience and your experience is toatally different from mine.

 

And neither one may be applicable to her....

 

No, I'm making judgements based on his own words...not my experience but it also doesn't take much experience to feel & see true remorse.

 

If one doesn't understand remorse, that goes far beyond a problem tahy can be pointed out on a computer screen...it's one thing to look for advice but no forum or therapist in the world can make a person feel remorse if it didn't already come naturally.

[Mrs. John Adams]

No, I'm making judgements based on his own words...not my experience but it also doesn't take much experience to feel & see true remorse.

 

If one doesn't understand remorse, that goes far beyond a problem tahy can be pointed out on a computer screen...it's one thing to look for advice but no forum or therapist in the world can make a person feel remorse if it didn't already come naturally.

 

and most have no clue what true remorse is....for example....a wayward who still has feelings for her om...does not have true remorse......

[Jersey born raised]

Are you using a MC or IC? I liked the idea of cut and paste your posts and others and sending to your MC to discuss. Yes your raw emotions where displayed, but those are exactly the one's that need to be healed !!! You will be posting here for the rest of your life if you do not confront your wife with them. They are the heavy lifting we refer to you!!

[Overtaxed]

Are you using a MC or IC? I liked the idea of cut and paste your posts and others and sending to your MC to discuss. Yes your raw emotions where displayed, but those are exactly the one's that need to be healed !!! You will be posting here for the rest of your life if you do not confront your wife with them. They are the heavy lifting we refer to you!!

 

IC yes, MC not yet (we're still looking for one who has an appt open this century, seems they are pretty busy!). We're going to go though, that's for sure.

 

I like this idea as well.

[bigman1]

Not to be argumentative, but I don't think telling her to come here helps at all. You still are trying to protect her and maybe even group think her into becoming a good wife.

 

Despite what steps she's taken, she is not a good wife right now. She's a Cheater. You love her, but your paternalism is hardly helpful.

 

You are worried she will get slammed. That means you will filter your thoughts to minimize that. That leads to rug sweeping. You want to show her that you shoul d not have secrets so you are opening up this place and your thoughts. The thing is, she cheated. She kept that secret. She needs to learn to be open and why she was not and not from you. What is your plan? To show her how to be a good wife? Wrong. She has to show you that she can be a good wife.

 

I get wanting to R with your wife, but dude... she's gotta do the work. And, because of what you have written, I think you neeđ to do some work to, by yourself.

 

Don't bring her here. It does neither of you any good.

[merrmeade]

Was wondering if anyone here ever pointed or told their spouse to read their "story" thread on this board? I think some parts of it could be helpful to my WW, other parts, I'm concerned the feelings/emotions are too raw. Of course, there's no way to tell if she's already read it, it's an open forum, but we've discussed many of the things said in my "story" thread and a lot of the responses, I'm wondering if just letting her read the whole thing might be helpful?

Sounds like you're getting lots of opinions, and to tell you the truth I'm not sure which one I'd agree with if I hadn't already gone through this myself. As it is, I can't explain to you from a position of empathy why a WS would react this way, but I can tell you how mine reacted and why I think he did, since it is consistent with other reactions he's had.

 

Here's my experience:

WH took my iPad on a trip. I forgot (or didn't bother) to delete my LS history. I started a thread during this trip (probably "

BS

Shame/Revelation Terror" but not 100% sure). It was some time during his return trip home, the browser took him to LS, my sign-in. I think that some my posts said or suggested that divorce was not entirely off the table. And lots of other unflattering things (about his ability to communicate and help me recover from his multiple infidelities covering a 30-year period). By the time he got home, he was furious, irrational that I would talk about him 'like that' online, especially at the conversations about divorce.

 

He hadn't read the whole thread or any other threads probably because he's simply not engaged by the in-depth thinking and writing we do. At the same time, he wasn't keen on being called a rug-sweeper or any of the other descriptions and labels of him and his behavior that strangers (to him) freely used. He was shocked that I could share

so

much of our life that he considers private.

 

I tried to explain (as I always have done) that he's difficult to talk to honestly BECAUSE this is his reaction and that is WHY I came to LS. I added that I always wished he would read and be interested and how discouraging this reaction was.

 

I won't bore you with what I said, but just

so

you know - it was water off a duck's back. Didn't take any of it to heart and found the criticism of strangers threatening. I think the fact that I was still considering divorce angered him because he feels that he's tried

so

hard, thinks he's worked constantly to make me happy, literally confined himself to the house

so

as not to encounter women, etc.

 

Without dredging up the particulars of my situation, I see a wayward profile that falls on a spectrum. Pardon my lack of optimism and even ideals, but I think that few waywards meet the 'true remorse' standard. I still agree that expecting no less on the part of the BS is the only way the WS will develop understanding and empathy for the BS and stop acting out of selfishness. But how far they get up the continuum (and stay) can vary a lot imho. I think that this means betrayeds must decide where their bottom rung is on that spectrum.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I guess I have the attitude of...what can it hurt?

 

If your wife is not "seeing" the things you want her to see and not "doing" the things you want her to do....is reconciliation still a possibility for you? and how long will you allow her to live in her "own world"? How much time are you willing to give her before she "sees the light"?

 

IF your attitude is...she has 10 minutes to get this....and then i am filing for divorce....then what can bringing her here hurt...or accomplish?

 

This place may be the shock factor she needs...or it could send her straight to the lawyer.

 

SO the bottom line for you is...what is it you truly want?

 

By the way....my husband was VERY protective of me...and circled round and defended me when others attacked.....he even got banned for it.

 

So feeling protective of your cheating wife is certainly not a bad thing....after all...you love her. SO I would expect if you brought her here...and others were tearing at her skin....you WOULD come to her defense. It might even show her just how much you care.....and even though cheaters are very selfish people....they have the same needs as betrayed spouses....they want to know they are still worthy of love.

[understand50]

So feeling protective of your cheating wife is certainly not a bad thing....after all...you love her. SO I would expect if you brought her here...and others were tearing at her skin....you WOULD come to her defense. It might even show her just how much you care.....and even though cheaters are very selfish people....they have the same needs as betrayed spouses....they want to know they are still worthy of love.

 

It is one thing to have her just read, it is another to have her post. Reading may help, and can give her an idea of what you are thinking. Her posting will be hard for her, as there are those that will work to dump on her. If she takes that step, she will get some support here, but some real push back. If she understands this, then it also can be of help. I think you only want her to read, so my vote is a yes.

 

Some WS, may never really get what they did or know what remorse is. They just may not be capable of it. Where your wife falls, is where she falls, but you should give her the chance to try, and make an environment where she feels safe and has your support in doing so. Bottom line, is that we still love them, and despite what they did, will fight to protect them. Mrs J.A. shows a good point, that while the ES needs to show, or try to have remorse, the BS must show by action that the WS is still loved, and will be going forward. This is needed for a good reconciliation.

 

I wish you luck.

[AnneP]

OT, my H and I have shared things with each other posted on forums. In your case I wouldn't let her read it. You talked about manipulating your wife through using "game." I don't think it's wise to show her everything that's been said by you.

[bigman1]

I get being protective of your spouse, but there is protective and there is paternalistic. I don't see a healthy relationship underneath all of this.

 

Mrs. JA, I remembered you and Mr. JA from another site as well. By the time you came to the site, you were years into R, but Mr. JA did not really know what was need on some painful points and you did not either, BUT you were actively looking to provide that. In fact, Mr. JA said words to that effect when asked. As a result, you were unfairly attacked despite the fact that you were "all in", 100% committed and your husband was still in need of something. In short, you were both actively looking to finish repairing what you had damaged long ago and had committed to trying to fix long before you came to that forum or this one.

 

On the other hand, that is NOT what we have here. It seems to me that OP is not coming from that frame of mind. He seems more like he wants his wife to see that "everyone else" thinks he's right and she's wrong so that she changes. It is almost like he's "telling on her". Words escape me now, due to lack of food, but his is a twist on "pick me". It's more of like, "do what they say and pick me".

 

Protecting a long ago wayward and long established remorseful and penitent spouse is expected. Protecting a spouse who is not nearly on that path is just not productive in my opinion. Also, he needs a place away from her to toughen up, de-fog, get direction, strategize, and help him clear his head.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I get being protective of your spouse, but there is protective and there is paternalistic. I don't see a healthy relationship underneath all of this.

 

Mrs. JA, I remembered you and Mr. JA from another site as well. By the time you came to the site, you were years into R, but Mr. JA did not really know what was need on some painful points and you did not either, BUT you were actively looking to provide that. In fact, Mr. JA said words to that effect when asked. As a result, you were unfairly attacked despite the fact that you were "all in", 100% committed and your husband was still in need of something. In short, you were both actively looking to finish repairing what you had damaged long ago and had committed to trying to fix long before you came to that forum or this one.

 

On the other hand, that is NOT what we have here. It seems to me that OP is not coming from that frame of mind. He seems more like he wants his wife to see that "everyone else" thinks he's right and she's wrong so that she changes. It is almost like he's "telling on her". Words escape me now, due to lack of food, but his is a twist on "pick me". It's more of like, "do what they say and pick me".

 

Protecting a long ago wayward and long established remorseful and penitent spouse is expected. Protecting a spouse who is not nearly on that path is just not productive in my opinion. Also, he needs a place away from her to toughen up, de-fog, get direction, strategize, and help him clear his head.

 

Fairly stated.....thank you

[CaliforniaGirl]

Rightly or wrongly, if I were the WS in your situation and were asked to "read the thread" and saw what was there - TONS of indictments from furious, broken BSs, as you know - I'd see it as my BS attempting to shame me into saying "oh, he was right after all, I was wrong, I'll forget all the things I was missing in our relationship because I am just soooooooo ashamed...and I'll just do what he wants from now on as a thoroughly chastised spouse who's finally seen the light" and I'd feel pretty manipulated.

 

Not absolving your wife or anything. She obviously did something very wrong. But yeah. I'd see it as an attempt at manipulation and my BS cherry-picking a "posse" as backup to "make me see the light," like I was a stupid trained monkey or something who would respond quickly to Herd Mentality, and...I don't know. I think I'd go running to my therapist who, according to your descriptions on here of hers, would most likely say "This is only uglier than ever and I can't see any fix...time to leave."

 

So yeah. Be careful. Because you know, and we all know, and she will certainly know that you ARE hoping she'll read the thread and feel worse than ever and that she'll be a good girl from now on and never never neeeeeeeeeeeeever do That Bad Thing (capital T, capital B, capital T) again and...yeah. Just saying. Could have the total opposite of that desired effect.

 

Here's something you could do. Rather than manipulating her with this intermittent reinforcement thing or whatever that was and by oops, showing her a lot of strangers saying she is TERRIBLE and should be sad and ashamed and very very good from now until forever...if you have something to say, say it to her. Without manipulating her via an internet posse piling on. And she'll listen...or not. And whether she stays or goes will be at least partly her own decision which, "bad bad" wife or not, she does have a say in, just as you have a say in what you do from here on out.

[merrmeade]

Rightly or wrongly, if I were the WS in your situation and were asked to "read the thread" and saw what was there - TONS of indictments from furious, broken BSs, as you know - I'd see it as my BS attempting to shame me into saying "oh, he was right after all, I was wrong, I'll forget all the things I was missing in our relationship because I am just soooooooo ashamed...and I'll just do what he wants from now on as a thoroughly chastised spouse who's finally seen the light" and I'd feel pretty manipulated.

 

Not absolving your wife or anything. She obviously did something very wrong. But yeah. I'd see it as an attempt at manipulation and my BS cherry-picking a "posse" as backup to "make me see the light," like I was a stupid trained monkey or something who would respond quickly to Herd Mentality, and...I don't know. I think I'd go running to my therapist who, according to your descriptions on here of hers, would most likely say "This is only uglier than ever and I can't see any fix...time to leave."

 

So yeah. Be careful. Because you know, and we all know, and she will certainly know that you ARE hoping she'll read the thread and feel worse than ever and that she'll be a good girl from now on and never never neeeeeeeeeeeeever do That Bad Thing (capital T, capital B, capital T) again and...yeah. Just saying. Could have the total opposite of that desired effect.

 

Here's something you could do. Rather than manipulating her with this intermittent reinforcement thing or whatever that was and by oops, showing her a lot of strangers saying she is TERRIBLE and should be sad and ashamed and very very good from now until forever...if you have something to say, say it to her. Without manipulating her via an internet posse piling on. And she'll listen...or not. And whether she stays or goes will be at least partly her own decision which, "bad bad" wife or not, she does have a say in, just as you have a say in what you do from here on out.

Well, yes, the gist of this was the gist my post but the reality was never in our worst moments ever this insensitive. His interpretations never reached this level of insensitive. This is a pretty extreme version of impervious. I can't imagine your wife going this far to rearrange reality.