MM and children

[Serendipity55]

Hello,

 

I am a little nervous to post but I'm hoping others who have been in a similar situation can provide some much needed advice.

 

I have slowly become an OW. It's not something I am remotely proud of and have tried to end many times...well maybe not tried that hard otherwise I wouldn't be here now. I do want to end it though because I want to do the right thing.

 

We have been friends for many years and more for 1. I have a little girl (I am single) and he has a young daughter too. He has met my girl. We have mutual friends who we used to see together but now separately because he is worried they will see what is really going on between us. These friends have all met his daughter.

 

I still haven't because he feels it is not fair on his wife. I'm trying not to react selfishly to this but it does hurt, especially because I can't understand the moral standpoint on this issue when he is doing what he is doing...can anyone shed any light? Thank you.

[changedforever]

The advice is that you should back off. When his wife finds out, which is likely, the damage of knowing that he took you to meet his child would be horrible.

 

It is incredibly disrespectful to ask to meet his child.

[eye of the storm]

Serendipity, you haven't met his daughter because you and he are not dating. You are having an A.

 

He doesn't want you to meet his daughter for many reasons. 1. He wants to keep his family separate from you. 2. She might mention to her mom something about you and he does not want to have issues at home.

 

You want to be treated like a girlfriend. Which is why you are getting your feelings hurt.

 

You are not his GF []. You are a secret. Which is why you two don't hang with friends anymore. He is ashamed of your relationship.

 

Im sorry. It hurts. The only way to fix it is to move on. Walk away.

Edited February 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[aileD]

If you are making the decision to be an OW then you need to know your place and stay in it (or date a single guy)-

 

-Family comes first

-Don't expect to see him on holidays or any day important to you

-You get the scraps left over after he's done with family obligations

-You don't get to complain about it

-You have to stay out of public with him

-Kids are OFF LIMITS.

-When his wife finds out, and he dumps you NC, you have to suck it up.

 

Sounds like a fun life doesn't it?

 

Read around here and see what your future holds when you choose this life.

 

You know you deserve better right?

[Ronni_W]

Serendipity55,

By introducing your daughter to him, you did not actually put anything important or of value at risk; however, as eye of the storm has pointed out, he has many valid reasons to not reciprocate this gesture. Additionally, when his daughter grows up and finds out how he misused his parental authority - to bring her, unwillingly and unknowingly, into a situation that is clearly against her mom's mental and emotional best interest - that is another risk and relationship adversely affected, for him but not you.

 

As difficult as it is, and even in an affair relationship, there are still matters and situations for which one must remain objective, fair and reasonable. This is one such instance.

[minimariah]

...can anyone shed any light? Thank you.

 

sure.

 

he's a married man & has a child. this child has a mother and it's not you.

 

now... if he was to introduce you to the child, the child would most likely report back to the mother and the mother will start with the Qs. if he eventually decides to divorce the wife and date you openly - the wife will remember you, she'll put the 2 and 2 together and brand him an unfit and irresponsible father.

 

you can't play house while one of you is still married with an intact family. in other words, you're not a part of his daily life and you have no business having ANY type of contact with his child UNLESS the child's mother is fully aware of the situation and consented. does it really needs to be explained why exposing your child to the A is a REALLY bad idea...?

 

also - you, as a single mother, should introduce your daughter ONLY to those men you have serious and longterm plans with + WITH the informed consent of her father. there are 2 parents in this story, only one of them is responsible & with common sense and it's most definitely not you. good luck!

[Southern Sun]

It's just sort of painful when you are hit with the reality...he is doing something he knows is wrong, and by not introducing you to his daughter, he is also reminding you it is wrong. And yet...he is willing to continue doing it anyway. It just takes the shine off of it all.

[somanymistakes]

depending on the circumstances it may not be possible or AT ALL appropriate for the 'informed consent' of the child's bio-father to be involved.

 

it's okay for a child of a single mother to be aware that mom has friends. not okay for every random date to try and act in a parental manner, of course.

 

but for the MM he has plenty of reasons to say no

[whichwayisup]

Hello,

 

I am a little nervous to post but I'm hoping others who have been in a similar situation can provide some much needed advice.

 

I have slowly become an OW. It's not something I am remotely proud of and have tried to end many times...well maybe not tried that hard otherwise I wouldn't be here now. I do want to end it though because I want to do the right thing.

 

We have been friends for many years and more for 1. I have a little girl (I am single) and he has a young daughter too. He has met my girl. We have mutual friends who we used to see together but now separately because he is worried they will see what is really going on between us. These friends have all met his daughter.

 

I still haven't because he feels it is not fair on his wife. I'm trying not to react selfishly to this but it does hurt, especially because I can't understand the moral standpoint on this issue when he is doing what he is doing...can anyone shed any light? Thank you.

 

This isn't about you, it's about his daughter and his wife. No way should you meet his daughter! You can feel hurt by this all you want but when the time comes you two get busted (and you will!) his wife will FLIP OUT if you spent time with HER daughter. This also isn't fair to your daughter either, she's going to be hurt in the midst of this too. He isn't her dad and never will be, so allowing this to continue will only hurt more people let alone yourself.

 

End it. Get counseling and understand what it is that's broken inside of you, because the choices you're making aren't healthy for you and your daughter. I say that with respect so even though my words may come off harshly, I say it with care. No good can come of this affair you're having.

 

Those friends who have met his child are safe and not having an affair with him.

[cocorico]

[]

 

To get back to the OP's question - it's good practice with any R to keep young kids out of it until the R is very serious and long term, for reasons others have cited and others. For example - your daughter gets attached to him, and then you and he break up, and she continues to ask after him, reminding you of your loss. Or, his daughter asks awkward questions about your and his R. Or, you get attached to her, and start having views on how she should be parented - which are different to his BW's... Far better to steer clear of that. If, one day, the R does become FT and you do blend families, it can be faced at that point.

Edited February 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~6

[FoundMyStrength]

I'm trying not to react selfishly to this but it does hurt, especially because I can't understand the moral standpoint on this issue when he is doing what he is doing...can anyone shed any light? Thank you.

 

As others have said, you are being hit with the reality of the affair. You are a secret affair, not a girlfriend. He doesn't want you to meet his child for the obvious reasons. Children go home and talk about their day, and it's likely his wife would find out that daddy is hanging out with another woman.

 

The reason it hurts so much is because that's what affairs do to you as the OW. I remember when a friend of my xMM stopped by our workplace. xMM and I weren't even in the full-blown EA yet, and the coldness with which xMM treated me during the friend's visit was mind-blowing. Not just neutral, not just co-worker friendly, but cold.

 

That's the reality of an affair. You don't get to meet friends. You don't get to meet family. You most definitely don't get to meet kids. If you run into him on the street and he's with them, expect to see a different, colder version of your xMM. You are his secret, not a part of his daily life.

Edited February 7, 2017 by FoundMyStrength
correction

[noelle303]

sure.

 

he's a married man & has a child. this child has a mother and it's not you.

 

now... if he was to introduce you to the child, the child would most likely report back to the mother and the mother will start with the Qs. if he eventually decides to divorce the wife and date you openly - the wife will remember you, she'll put the 2 and 2 together and brand him an unfit and irresponsible father.

 

you can't play house while one of you is still married with an intact family. in other words, you're not a part of his daily life and you have no business having ANY type of contact with his child UNLESS the child's mother is fully aware of the situation and consented. does it really needs to be explained why exposing your child to the A is a REALLY bad idea...?

 

also - you, as a single mother, should introduce your daughter ONLY to those men you have serious and longterm plans with + WITH the informed consent of her father. there are 2 parents in this story, only one of them is responsible & with common sense and it's most definitely not you. good luck!

 

Agreed. Not only do I see it as common sense for the MM not to introduce you to his child, but I also strongly believe that it was wrong for you to expose your own child to all this.

 

Look, affairs are messy and full of drama most of the times. Kids need stability and peace. It just doesn't mesh well. He is not a stable partner that you can introduce to your daughter, he has a whole other life and family. He knows to keep that family away from what's going on between you two and to protect it. You need to protect your family and your child from being damaged by this relationship that most likely will not have a pretty ending.

[imsosad]

My AP did bring his kids along once during our affair. One was a young child, the other a baby.

We are now together, but I still hold it against him. It was a very bad judgement call on his behalf. Extremely disrespectful to his wife and potentially harmful for his kids.

I objected to it then (he never did it again).

Of course you can't meet his child!

Who is he supposed to introduce you as?

Also, kids are so sensitive and receptive, this encounter with you could potentially be something she understands in retrospect.

Not to mention, if his wife ever finds out about you, this could be a deal breaker.

We have both been divorced and legitimately together for almost a year now, and I am only now just about ready to introduce him to my children.

I agree with the others who say you just don't understand your position. You are treating this as a normal relationship, when in fact he already has a primary relationship. Your affair is an extra to supplement his substantial relationship, his marriage.

Don't get confused, you are not as important to him as he is to you.

Time to see things for what they are.

[aileD]

I didn't even consider YOUR child...people are right...

 

 

Why would you introduce your child to a married man? Do you want your child sitting in a therapist's office someday saying "well my mom ran around with married men and I had to see that" or something to that affect. Your child may be too young to realize all this now but one day when they're an adult or teenager, the light bulb will go off and you will have lost serious respect from your daughter.

 

Also...That you didnt see a problem in this, it goes to show just how IN DENIAL you are about the status of your AFFAIR. You're not a girlfriend. You are a mistress. You are the other woman. You want to act like this is a real relationship and it's NOT.

 

You need to reevaluate.

[Serendipity55]

Thanks for the advice - my daughter's father is sadly no longer with us so I can't check in with him! It's impossible. My child is still a baby and has only met MM once briefly, she has no idea who he is or what his connection to me is. There is no risk to her whatsoever - she is protected and comes first.

 

Objectively I can see why it wouldn't be fair or right but neither is having an affair when you are newly married and have children so my question wasn't asking whether it was right to bar me from meeting his child (I know it is) but rather how can an MM have such varying moral standards? How can he willingly betray his wife over and over but then claim to be respectful of her feelings? There is a massive disconnect there surely?

 

Perhaps this is different but he also sends pictures etc of his family life and speaks about his child all of the time.

[RecentChange]

No! No no no no.

 

You do not include children in affairs!! You do not introduce a child to the woman daddy is cheating on mommy with. NO!

 

I am not a mother, but I can only imagine how ballistic I would go if a situation like that happened. Getting his Willy wet is one thing, bringing HER child into the mix? Yuck, just no.

 

Like others have pointed out, you are not his girlfriend, you are his mistress, you will not be playing a role in his family life.

 

Now, please protect your daughter from him. He should not be a part of her life. He can't and won't commit to you, therefore your child should not be exposed to this. She needs to know what commitment and security are about. Not to learn about relationships from this terrible model.

[aileD]

rather how can an MM have such varying moral standards? How can he willingly betray his wife over and over but then claim to be respectful of her feelings? There is a massive disconnect there surely?

 

Perhaps this is different but he also sends pictures etc of his family life and speaks about his child all of the time.

 

because he's selfish. He can separate what his dick wants from whats good for his kids. Plus if he involves his kids then there's a chance the wife will find out and then his dick won't get what it wants anymore

 

C'mon. He's a cheater...why do you even want him in YOUR life?

[Serendipity55]

Again, thanks for the clarity. I don't want him in my life - you've all been helpful in that it is a sharp reality check. He must be selfish because he is very blase about his W finding out - he says he keeps all our messages etc and she and their child have full access to his phone (they often have it he says), so she must trust him implicitly (and doesn't look at his phone) which makes me feel, rightly so, terrible.

[Serendipity55]

He's also invited me and my d to his home several times - obviously when his family aren't there. I was flabbergasted and obviously refused.

[aileD]

He's also invited me and my d to his home several times - obviously when his family aren't there. I was flabbergasted and obviously refused.

 

 

gross. yeah, run. I'm glad it was a wakeup call.

 

also he's probably lying to you about the phone.

[BTDT2012]

Thanks for the advice - my daughter's father is sadly no longer with us so I can't check in with him! It's impossible. My child is still a baby and has only met MM once briefly, she has no idea who he is or what his connection to me is. There is no risk to her whatsoever - she is protected and comes first.

 

Objectively I can see why it wouldn't be fair or right but neither is having an affair when you are newly married and have children so my question wasn't asking whether it was right to bar me from meeting his child (I know it is) but rather how can an MM have such varying moral standards? How can he willingly betray his wife over and over but then claim to be respectful of her feelings? There is a massive disconnect there surely?

 

Perhaps this is different but he also sends pictures etc of his family life and speaks about his child all of the time.

 

He sends pictures and speaks of his family to keep you in your place.

[Serendipity55]

also he's probably lying to you about the phone.

 

Do you think he is deleting everything from me and any other women?

[Serendipity55]

He said he feels guilt at introducing his child to someone he loves but also someone whose presence could hurt his child's mother. I do get that. I really do but it still smacks of hypocrisy as he is hurting her already surely.

[springy]

He said he feels guilt at introducing his child to someone he loves but also someone whose presence could hurt his child's mother. I do get that. I really do but it still smacks of hypocrisy as he is hurting her already surely.

 

Serendipity...why? Why continue to engage? There are so many single men out there. Why set yourself up for so much pain?

[Serendipity55]

Very good question...I think I felt vulnerable after losing my husband and I also didn't feel and don't feel ready for a real relationship. I know, however, it is painful and wrong for all involved.